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1. Mr. Cabana does a lackluster job and is fired by the second game, construct a table displaying how long he will continue to complain about how the team misused him. 2. Formula: F(x) = _______?

Seriously. This is also a show that allowed three guys to kill off an entire Mexican drug cartel and still easily get out of Mexico... This is a show that had a guy get half his face blown off and walk out of the room and adjust his tie before he died... It wasn't exactly 100% grounded in reality. It was an amazing show (possibly the best ever) but you have to give a little dramatic license.

Your Jaeger name: GIANT BABA

Angel was awesome.

I look at that and this is literally all I can see:

Yeah, gonna have to disagree with you on that one...

They need to bring Leo Kruger up to the main roster to hunt the awesome bull mascot.

(too lazy to construct a table) Two of the "minor league baseball teams" will not pay Mr. Cabana. Two more teams will short him and pay him less than the agreed-upon amount, One will pay him, but the check will not clear. Mr. Cabana will decide not to work one event and will therefore not be paid for event. He will not call them beforehand to notify them that he will be absent. The correct answer is $56.

Of course these guys were all over the Browns nuts. Jim Fucking Brown was in the house. He would have come down and beat the shit out of all of them if they said a bad word about the Browns. He almost scared the lisp right out of Mike Mayock.

If you were a kid when Kindergarten Cop came out, and neither "boys have a penis, girls have a vagina" or "it's not a tumah!" did not become catchphrases for you, your childhood sucked.

Kevin Smith's podcast used to be sponsored by Fleshlight. So.... It could be worse.

Haha... did the exact same thing to a similar shot with Cena and The Rock, years ago. I mean, it's hard to NOT see that...

From WWE.com, this made me wish they ran that as a six man tag on the go home show

Loving Renee's 2Pac shirt

I am so happy to see this match, in large part due to this show being Glacier's debut and that also being the same day I got my cat Gracie. Despite being super-old now, she's still kicking.

I completely forgot he debuted against The Gambler, one of my favorite jobbers ever. I loved that gimmick.

Damn Cthulhu took the referee out! (added bonus: Kevin Nash taking the only bump he can still take.)

NXT RETRO WORKRATE REPORT – January 16, 2013 (by PHIL RIPPA) Well the cable is out but the Internet is still working, so I will crank out one of these instead of live tweeting Impact. This might be one of the better decisions of my adult life. WHAT WORKED Cool – the show opens with a recap of the Big E Langston title win and it is getting the WWE video package treatment. This is all sorts of neat. I especially liked them putting impact tremors on the screen for Big E hitting his finisher. Also – no one else might but I really dig the NXT Title belt. Seriously? How did TNA not already do the giant fucking X as a belt for the X Division Championship? Outside of the obvious “It’s TNA” answer? William Regal – Color Commentator Wait. Wait. Wait. Kassius Ohno is sitting in on Color. Are we teasing the Ohno/Regal feud??? Did Regal just threaten to turn Ohno into a vegetable? Pants on the ground! Pants on the ground! Acting like a fool with your pants on the ground!!! I’m gonna ignore the irony of having to take the belt off of Seth Rollins because he got promoted to the main roster and putting it on a guy who was about to get called up to the main roster. I’m gonna ignore it because it means I get things like Big E Langston mic time. And we also get Langston destroying Camacho. FIVE! FIVE! FIVE! There was enough stuff that was enjoyable in the Antonio Cesaro/Damien Sandow vs. Tyson Kidd/Justin Gabriel match to be here. At least the actual match stuff. I have other issues down below. (In the column, not on my body. At least not that I know of. I am going to move along now.) I will give Sandow a lot of credit for really working with the crowd and making it a good time for all instead of just mailing it in just because they are in front of the random back lot crowd. Him yelling “WE HAVE RULES!” got a legit chuckle out of me. I also am humored that he ate the pinfall. So clearly not only is NXT for developing the WWE’s future roster but it’s also where guys can get an early start on their “push”. Poor poor Money in the Bank winner. WHAT DIDN’T WORK As teased last week – Adrian Neville (who I will most assuredly call Aaron Neville at some point) makes his NXT debut. And he is wrestling Sakamoto who is making his return to NXT after the whole Tensai second fiasco (but I don’t think we are supposed to know that). Since this a WWE development match that means CHIN LOCKS FOR THE SAKE OF CHIN LOCKS!!! RANDY ORTON DOES IT!!! And then the former Pac hits the Corkscrew Shooting Star Press and that’s it. The match is rather disappointing but Regal talking British wrestling almost – ALMOST – dragged this to the Northern side of the column. Trent Baretta vs. Leo Krueger had the misfortunate of being the backdrop for the Ohno/Regal stuff so it really was just there. And since it had a commercial break smashed into middle of it and it really just keeps going on. Maybe another time. Someone should probably get in Tony Dawson’s ear and tell him that just because Vince yelled “WHATAMANUEVER!” doesn’t mean you should. This isn’t a NXT thing per se but during this viewing Hulu decided to keep showing the Chase commercial where the guy is some sort of superfan geek and dreams of going to a Comic Con type convention. But when he goes the dude doesn’t cosplay and that makes the entire commercial totally unbelievable for me. Stupid Chase. I’m not really sure why Sandow/Cesaro are teaming and why they are teaming on NXT but here we are. I mean one would think they would promote it more. Or at least take advantage of having the actual US Champ wrestling in your building to help elevate one of the younger guys. But nope. I am realizing though that this just might be one of those wacky NXT things that I am just going to have to get over.

Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paperboy, evening TV?

Would you rather they say "From the Director of a movie most of our target audience will be sleeping through when their English teacher gives up trying to make them read the actual play"?

I'm 100% serious that if there is some sort of WWE MOTY balloting I'm going to place Santino/Emma vs. Fandango/Summer Rae as Top 10 somehow. It was pretty much a perfectly executed match for what it was looking to do. I enjoyed it to a ridiculous degree. Not everything has to be a serious affair to be great. There have been a lot of great "serious" matches this year but there are only a few matches this year I enjoyed watching more. Cena/Bryan, Punk/Lesnar, Sami/Cesaro, and a whole slew of Shield six-man stuff. But other than that, I'm not sure.Santino is so criminally underrated.

Were you spying on us?!!?

The problem with IM2 is all the fucking talking and bullshitting that goes on for the whole movie that by the time it ends, you wonder if you actually saw any kind of progress.

Werner Herzog directing Boondock Saints would've been fascinating.

Come out from hiding Reds pitchers. Dusty can't hurt you anymore. (Dusty Baker fired by the Reds)

It's been dying pretty consistently for years, though. I think it helps to see it for what it is, which is just a crappy wrestling show. Like most of Raw and Smackdown. And just watch Gary Hart promos and Freebirds matches all day.

If the booking ever requires his team to just get destroyed in every match, I'd be more than happy to lend a hand. I've always thought that "standing on the apron, watching my partner dominate, tagging in, immediately getting demolished, being pinned, and apologizing profusely to my politely-pretending-to-not-be-frustrated-that-this-keeps-happening partner" would be a great role for me. I think Suwama would be pretty damned great in the "Buck up little camper, we'll win the next one!" role, too.

I'll be sure to give you some semen in the anus online

So what you're saying is what we've seen is all he has to offer?

I have a confession: I don't see what the deal is with Chris Hero/Kassius Ohno. He's not impressive ringwork wise, and I don't see anything in his personality that says "dollar signs." Someone help me...

Is this going to be a go? I'm looking forward to the spectacularly bad movie I'll be assigned.

^ Post/sig combination

I don't know if I can explain this well, but Barrett was sort of exciting for 2010 WWE. It seems like we're in a different world now though, a Shield six-man tag world, a nearly post-Sin Cara world, a Cesaro world, a CM Punk champion for a year world, a NXT personality class world, a Bryan Daniel super-over main eventer world, even a Bray Wyatt world. ADR and Barrett were both pretty exciting at one point when they debuted because they weren't more of the same. Now there's barely a "same" out there anymore.

I think you guys are missing an obvious one: The Honky Tonk Man People forget that when Honky came to the WWF, he was supposed to be a face. He had two months of vignettes to build him up, and when he debuted, crickets chirped. And the more desperately he pandered to the fans, the more they turned on him. Really wish Youtube had it, because it's WWF at its worst: a crowd refusing to go along with it while Vince cackles manically over how great he is. I'd also throw Outback Jack out there but since his debut was the only TV match he ever won, I can't really say it is.

Jesse: stay out of it bull killer. Slater: make me slave trader. Audience: Wooooooooo

That 70's Show absolutely should have ended with Kelso moving away and Eric going to Africa.

Wyatt Family and 2 Gators as a traditional Survivor Series team? Sign me up!

One of these things is not like the others.

Not within a week. First week, the Stud Stable return to the national scene. Second week, Buck wins the vacant TV Title in a Gauntlet Battle Royal beating Eric Young when the ref is distracted by ODB/Park scuffling with Meng/Colonel on the floor and Bunkhouse brains EY with a cowbell. Third week, Roode beats Buck for the TV Title when the ref is distracted by Meng killing Bad Influence outside the ring and EY runs in and knocks Buck out with the cowbell. Roode wants the TV Title due to the title's new gimmick being that for every week the holder successfully retains he earns a weekly bonus of $20 grand thus allowing the champion to potentially earn a $1 million bonus if they retain for a year. Roode/EGO continues feud with Aries now revolving around the TV Title. Fourth week, Colonel issues a challenge for Young to meet Buck in a cowbell on a pole match at the next PPV. Next couple of weeks show vignettes of Park training Young to climb poles and ODB showing him how she works a pole. At the PPV, EY easily gets the cowbell due to his pole training but after he whacks Buck with the cowbell and goes for the pin, Meng rams Park into the pole busting him open and causing him to lose control which distracts EY long enough to give Buck the opportunity to recover and knock Young out with the cowbell and pick up the victory. Next Impact, EY and Park say that TNA isn't big enough for all of them and issue a loser leaves town challenge to the Stud Stable. A no holds barred 'Bunkhouse Brawl' is set for the next big event. Stud Stable win. See EY and Park sadly walking out of arena. Next Impact, Borash asks ODB about EY but she hasn't seen or heard from him. Next week, cameras catch EY and Park living on the streets. When ODB is asked about it she doesn't know why EY doesn't move into the trailer with her since they are married and doesn't know why Park is on the streets since he's a rich lawyer. The next week, Borash catches up with EY and Park and we learn that EY is adapting well and has declared himself "Hobo King" and has amassed a small group of followers on the streets but Park isn't doing so well and he cracks and takes off running into the darkness. A couple of weeks later, the Stud Stable are celebrating another victory when a gang of hobos run in from the crowd. Stud Stable disposes of them easily until more hobos attack led by the Hobo King Eric Young along with his Hobo Wench Claire Lynch and followed by The Hobo Monster Abyss... Now at least four months later, #HOBOARMY. The Stud Stable/Hobo Army war continues through at least the holidays and will involve a turkey suit match and Hobo Claus. Gonna be a while before Bunkhouse For Glory and the World Title.

The booking meetings would always include FSW petitioning for Punk to be relegated to jobber duty while everyone else reminds him that Punk doesn't work for TNA.

Dixie on her knees begging Hulk to stay and him just walking off indifferently is actually a great symbolic visual for all that has went wrong in TNA.

Who did Hogan fuck more? TNA or Bubba's wife?

I could've sworn D-Von was using his awesome Eyes of Rightessnous theme song. They have got to recycle that for someone at some point. The screencap preview of the "Eyes of Righteousness" make it look like D-Von is the dude who leaves those things in the restroom of Starbucks that look like $50 and $100 bills, only when you pick them up and unfold them, they're these religious tractlets that start off with, "Disappointed? Don't be, because you're far richer in the kingdom of Heaven than" blah blah still not $50-100 in my pocket blah. I used to bus tables at a restaurant when I was in high school and I remember a table of 15 Mormons came in. They were polite but racked up a gigantic bill and ran me and the waitress around for like an hour getting drinks, nacho refills, etc. The whole time we were thinking, "well, at least the tip will be worth it." After they left, we were cleaning the table and we saw what looked like a folded piece of paper with two $100 bills in it, along with a credit card and on the note it said, "Here's a tip..." The waitress unfolded it and it was one of those tracts with fake bills and the tract said, "Here's a tip...how to get to heaven, read the Book of Mormon blah blah blah". The actual tip they left was like $10 on a $150 or so bill. I remember the waitress just started bawling in the middle of the restaurant (thankfully it was close to closing time) and the manager felt so bad he gave her $40 or whatever out of his own pocket and let her go home. I didn't get any extra money or get to go home but the bartender at least let me drink in the bar for an hour or so after I finished bussing tables. Cool story bro.