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"Please don't get hurt. Please don't get hurt."

Please tell me that video is fake. Not the fat guy, the one with Batista winning the Royal Rumble.

It took 24 pages, but finally this thread offers some good points.

Hulk Hogan doesn't point at the Wrestlemania sign. The Wrestlemania sign moves to wherever Hulk Hogan is pointing.

How much do I need to donate to get Gonzalez a permanent timeout?

Sid tweeted that this Rumble sucked. When the master and ruler of the world says it, I guess that makes it official.

Too bad HHH married the boss's daughter and became successful at his chosen profession because he totally missed his calling as a message board troll. That opening promo combining Gonzalez's mic skills with FSW's workrate was a thing of absolute beauty.

I want all three members of the Shield in, but they have to share a pod, so they lose because they come in last and are all sore from being crammed in there

Birds gotta fly, fish gotta swim, and Gonzalez gotta miss the point entirely.

He's an AERIALIST. Hence the paratrooper jacket. Also, an architect, and a surgeon. Seth Rollins is Art Vandelay.

They should have played Bryan's music for number 30, but then have Bad News Barrett come out.

It's 13 years since WCW folded and I still marked out for that

Batista can't have paid his air bill to Mark Henry with how winded he was.

This made me smile. Heath Slater @HeathSlaterOMRB @ZackRyder can you play the drums 11:51 PM - 26 Jan 2014

Browns guy on Tumblr could have called this one.

Imagine you could delete quotes aside from the one you were directly answering so that they weren't dominating entire pages?

HEY GUYS BATISTA'S COMING BACK WOOHOO! -- This board, 8 days ago.

If I was religious, this is what I would imagine God would look like getting ready for judgment day. If you're curious where we are, we're inside the universe inside his fists. Have you been good? (That's a trick question. It doesn't really matter.)

Okay - here is the deal. I fucking love Andre. Andre also passed away on my 18th birthday... which is today. (My birthday... not the 18th one. God - if only it was my 18th birthday.) I decided that in celebration of my impending doom - I was going to highlight some of my favorites this week. In one of the NXT threads - Matt asked me what my favorite Andre matches were. The answer might honestly be "almost all of them". Clearly I am not going to revisit the jobbing to Warrior in 30 seconds ones or the Japan matches during his last days on Earth ones. I mean - while sad - his early 90s All Japan run provided at least goofy matches (like Andre in a tag match against Foley) so they had that value. If I every introduced some sort of "You Must Watch These 5 Matches Before Being Able To Post On This Board" system - Andre vs. Stan Hansen would be one of those 5. I thought about not including it here because of how cliched that would seem. But it is fucking Andre/Hansen and you don't need a fucking excuse to watch it. http://youtu.be/bp0Wo7hLTIE While embarrassing to look back at. I am glad that my moment of discovery of this match was recorded thanks to this very site.

I'm busy gluing beards to Guy Fawkes masks to sell to these people

Ambrose somehow being even more sleazy in his media appearances totally saved that bit. "You think I would hang out in a room with CM Punk, Wayne?" followed by "In fact, why don't you and her switch places." That magnificent bastard had them rattled. I'd like to think that the newsroom has a union hair stylist, and when Ambrose showed up she called her shop steward over unsafe working conditions. Take two, this time even a little worse: I'd like to think that the newsroom has a union hair stylist, and when Ambrose showed up she called her shop steward over unsafe working conditioners. Oh, yes. That was the spot.

PLEASE BE REAL. I want to see Bray do the Spider Walk at Sting and Sting respond by pounding his fucking chest and flexing.

Rumblings are that Sting has signed with WWE.

Sticking with the Haiku gimmick/ The Royal Rumble Bastista in, Bryan out All the fans say No! Orton and Cena A million times they fight No one gives a shit Roman Reigns is boss I guess the Sheild will break up Hello Kevin Nash Many rising stars When we say Us you say O Debut of Russian Batista was gassed He won the Rumble again He gave the finger.

Cm punk head butted an USO and it hurt punk! Everyone is sleeping on this. You don't head butt Samoans.

Yes, that's why they booed Rey Mysterio. Because they wanted to chant more.

For heaven's sake, I've never seen so many people be proud of being jaded, cynical fuckheads. And getting actively angry at people who still get some joy out of wrestling.

Can you even begin to fathom just how badly the Mania crowd (75,000 of your smartest, most diehard fans from all over the world) will shit on Batista/Orton? I mean what in God's heavenly kingdom can they do to make people care about that match that doesn't involve inserting Bryan into the equation somehow?

You guys don't know it, but this is actually an example of WWE getting ahead of the curve. Because I was going to leave Daniel Bryan out of March Madness.

Yup. That's about right.

Your God is stuffed in Henry's locker.

I don't think I'd have changed a thing about JBL's appearance. It was played just right. And yet Bryan was denied, for the sake of JBL's ... how many seconds was he in there? I'm going to go out on a flyer & say that JBL isn't the reason that Bryan wasn't in the Rumble match. In fact I'm going to say that's abysmal logic.

But the floor is lava.

Ryback really needs an interview segment called the RyShack.

I was thinking about the Royal Rumble during my run this morning, and I remembered a few other nice touches, interesting moments, and glaring facts: Big E Langston's multi-backbreaker on Sheamus. Holy God! The elimination of Kofi (Reigns making sure that he wasn't able to stop himself from hitting the floor). The sheer display of awesome young talent . . . and a bright future (as long as WWE manages to keep their writing mediocre). The sheer pointlessness of The Miz. Swagger and Rusev's brief back-and-forth. The fact that it took four or five guys to eliminate Rusev! The crowd's anger when Ziggler got eliminated. (Brief anger, but pretty noticeable all the same.) Zeb's signs. Ryback calling Batista "stoopid." Poor Seth Rollins, who got eliminated by Reigns after keeping Ambrose from eliminating him! Reigns's sliding dropkick to Punk before even getting in the ring. Cesaro being sexy. And uppercutty.

I eagerly await Stephanie's op-ed in the WSJ comparing WWE fan resentment to Kristallnacht.

There were so many kids he could have shown his ass to all down that ramp. Dude's out of touch with the industry.

So many likes, so little time. Capped off by Cobra Commander pointing out about Batista showing his ass to kids which is just cracking me up right now. Kid yelling at Batista: "Batista, you suck!" Batista: "Oh yeah, how about this?" *pulls down pants, shows his ass* Kid: "That's very nice but..."

It thrills my overworked heart to know that Dewey Fuckin' Foley turned into the kind of smarky smark that made his dad a household name...

I don't care about anything else in the thread except whether or not this exists. Please confirm/deny thanks.

Did I miss one of the straight-to-DVD movies that Batista did to make him a name outside of the wrestling bubble? He's going to be in the biggest movie of the summer. Godzilla?

On the bright side, we did get old school Royal Rumble promos.

Yeah, it looked to be all downhill from there. Although them getting the shot makes sense, gotta love Trip's buddies getting one last title run. The best part was remembering we had half a RAW thread that was about almost nothing but how awful it was to have to sit through their schtick every fucking week. Oh, you didn't know? PBS is running Antiques ROOOOOOAAAAAADSHOOOOOOOOWWWWWW Seriously, you might want to give that a shot, Monday night at 9:00! Sometimes they actually pay off for the people who show up.