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So, How's It Going?

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4 hours ago, Cliff Hanger said:

Then a friend says something stupid, "I can't imagine what his personal life was like to lead to this" and I'm fucking crying-at-work broken. I've had one session of serious suicidal ideation in my life, with no attempt, and now all I can think is "no one understands" and "what if one day I get there? If my depression ever reaches that point I am as good as dead. Because some of us lose."

My brain goes to the most macabre black humor when this comes up, and I concoct a joke like "Hey be positive, maybe you'll fuck up your attempt?" and I have no idea if that's helpful or even the least bit funny to anyone else.

It is to me cuz 9 years ago when I attempted, I did, and I'm still here. I chose a method that it turns out has a low success rate cuz I wanted a peaceful out, and since that didn't work, the path of least resistance shifted and I ended up putting my life back together.

Best advice I have is just keep a dialogue going with someone you can talk with, whether that's a friend, a family member, or a paid professional, (having all three available is a big help IMO.) Gives you a chance to talk anything out before you do anything.

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3 hours ago, Lamp, broken circa 1988 said:

medical malpractice might kill my adopted sister this week

Jesus Christ, that’s lousy. I’m sorry to hear it.

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Under two bills and at my lowest weight since summer '95. Enjoying my first full week of vacation since '12. Earlier this year work was really insane, leveled out for a month and is about to get insane again. We have been in need of drivers, we find a guy that lasts more than a month and one of our best(if not the best) drivers decides to go back to farming full time. The reefer units on the trucks have been having all sorts of issues. Friday I got cornered by one of the owners as I was getting back from my route and was told I was getting a "significant" raise. That shocked the shit out of me. Considering that you can get your truck stuck under a railroad bridge and not get fired(wasn't me. I promise), then this means either they really think highly of me and value me or they are just hurting for people and don't want any more of us with experience to go elsewhere. I have been at this place for almost four years and I admit that running up and down(okay, more of a walk) a ramp with a loaded cart has contributed to my continued weight loss(as has eating one good meal a day and lots of coffee), but sometimes I get so fucking frustrated with things(either management or the trucks) that I want to look elsewhere, but I realize that nowhere else that I could go would keep me in the shape I am in.

Clothing wise I am in a 36" waist and an XL shirt. I could probably wear a large but the XL helps keep certain things masked. I guess I should be pumped as a mother fucker, but I am not, because it's just another day in the life.

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My boss seems to be on a kick of listening to Bach in his office. So, naturally, I find myself thinking of Bojack Horseman 5 damn times a day.

"If you're such a nerd, who's your favorite Baroque composer?"

*baaaaaaawk*

"Bach? Not Vivaldi? You're insane!"

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My aunt is in hospice after an extremely long and grueling battle with aggressive leukemia the past 9-10 months. She was doomed from the start, but they did literally every possible thing(bone marrow transplants, all the chemo, experimental stuff) they could try. Lots of false hope. Depressing as Hell. Any day now she will pass away at 63 after beating cancer 4 times previously, but GETTING cancer a fifth time from the drugs used to beat it. What a fucking cruel joke of a world.

All I can do is think of my uncle(the blood relative) and her daughters and super young grandchildren and just barely stop myself from crying. I'm usually okay with funerals, but having been through this type of ordeal before, I dread going through it more times in the future. I don't know how my family copes with this stuff. They're all religious, but when your odds are like 5% or less, no amount of praying's going to change a damn thing. You either beat the odds or you don't.

I just hope her suffering ends quickly as this has aged my uncle about 20 years as he was her sole caregiver most of the past 5 months out of sheer dedication to the woman. It's how he was raised, but if you know what all goes into taking care of someone that weakened and on a ton of cancer drugs and chemo all at once, you know exactly how horrible it is. I couldn't do it. I'm not that strong. Not looking forward to the next 3-7 days or whatever she has left if not less. I'm rambling, but felt the need to just let it out somewhere else than with family and friends who already understand. Mental Illness is no friend during times like this.

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My thoughts are with you Ryan.

I'm very frustrated with my Dad. After my Mom died a year and a half ago my sister and I became his caregivers. He has heart failure, COPD, cellulitis, and a host of other health issues. 

Because his health is so poor we are responsible for a lot. We do all his shopping, cooking, laundry, house work etc. Also because my Mom handled the finances and such he is terrible at keeping track of his bank account, paying bills etc. So we took all that on too.  Plus I transport him to all his doctor appointments (about 3 a week) which given his weight and lack of physical ability is generally a three to four hour ordeal of getting him dressed, into my car, out of my car, etc.

We have taken this on because we love him and he took care of us and was a good Father. What is frustrating though is that he will make no effort other than the bare minimum in improving his life. 

He is on a special diet to try and lose weight and reduce his sodium intake. We cook him recipes to stay within this diet. Does he eat what we prepare? Or does he order pizza and wings three times a week?

He constantly puts off or cancels doctors appointments. He had a nurse and a physical therapist coming out to his apartment to help him but he blew them off so often the program stopped sending them. 

He has exercises to try and strengthen his legs and help his mobility. He refuses to try. He saw a therapist a few times to help him deal with moms death. He quit going and won’t return. 

My sister has tried teaching him how to pay his bills online and keep track of his banking. He ignores it and lets it fall to us.

ive explained to him that he is making his life worse and our lives harder. We both work we both have small kids we have spouses and homes to keep up. Since Mom died it’s like each of us suddenly has a second full time job to keep up with. It’s exhausting and his refusal to do the things he needs to do makes us question why we are working so hard for someone who has seemingly given up on himself. 

We've come to a point where I wonder if a nursing home is a better option. I know he would refuse and I’d never force him unless I felt it was necessary for his health, but the toll it’s taking on my sister and I is heavy and it’s hard to stay patient with him. 

Thanks for letting me vent. 

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He's getting to the point where it sounds like there's about to be a break. One way or another. He's actively harming himself by not even remotely trying. There's a lot more going on in his mind than he'd ever let on and he sounds very stubborn. I don't envy any choices you have to make. Sometimes you have to put your own well-being ahead of others even if it seems selfish, it isn't, it's just the nature of aging.

My grandparents didn't end up in a home on my mother's side because they had plenty of children to spend time with them and they were very independent people until the last years. My grandmother had nurses visit after he passed away and she started to get worse down the line. They had the money and family with money to support it. My other grandmother on the other side had to be put in a home due to health issues and couldn't live alone, but she was very old already. I have no clue what it will come to with my parents, they are in generally good to very good health and have the genetics to live a long time, but I'm sure once they get into their 70's, things might start to change. Luckily they have a will and all that junk and being an only child makes it a lot easier whenever something does happen.

To cut off my rambling, do whatever you have to do for the best interests of your family. That's all you can do.

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She just passed away a little while ago as expected. I've been through this with family on my father's side, it's going to be rough for some people on my mother's side of the family because there's so much of it and she wasn't that old(62) in relative terms. I'm doing fine, but I'm sure the emotional impact will hit me at some point once the realization completely settles in. I'm mostly feeling a little numb and relieved, but massive empathy and sympathy for my uncle and his immediate family and how they're going to deal with all of this. Cancer is a fucking asshole if I can personify it and I can only hope they figure out something in our lifetimes for at least some forms of such a complex group of diseases. I wasn't as close to her as I would have liked to have been in hindsight, but I love all my family.

RIP Kathleen Smudde.

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I'm sorry Ryan. Fuck cancer. 

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Minor compared to recent posts, but I've spent $1100 at the vet's since Saturday.  I can afford it, they ended up fixing the problem, and I'm glad my cat is (or at least seems to be) ok now and purring happily again. Just wish I didn't have to spend that amount of money.

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On ‎6‎/‎23‎/‎2018 at 3:10 AM, Ryan said:

I couldn't do it. I'm not that strong.

I've been dealing with my dad's dementia for a while now and one thing I have learned is that you can handle more than you think you can.

The key is to set up a daily or weekly ritual for yourself that is dedicated to de-stressing.  Now you know why I play video games so much.

Give yourself time to grieve so that you purge all of that negative energy out of your sprit.  That way you can go on with your life remembering the happy times when your aunt was happy and in good health.

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I can't even say we had a good run...

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It was nice knowing you @Betsy Zeidler, enjoy uh....Canada?

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One of my two closest friends from childhood died Wednesday.  Either OD or suicide.  Guessing the latter.  The the other one killed himself right about eight years ago.  I think I've hit the anger phase of coping now.  I just wanna break stuff.

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Well, those certainly put my problems in perspective. 

But...

Go to leave for work today, and the front door to the building is open. Again. For the billionth time that my 3 apartments' worth of neighbors have failed to notice when they leave. Not because the door is broken - not entirely - but because 6 other fucking adults with keys (plus idiots from UPS and USPS) can't be arsed to, oh, stick the key back in the lock and turn it until the door closes. So finally put a Post-it on the door. "MAKE SURE THE DOOR ACTUALLY CLOSES."

Come back from work, and guess what's open?

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At this point, I think someone's doing it just to mess with you.

On the topic of my Aunt, the funeral went alright, I did the best I could and what not, just had to get through it. Thanks for any condolences. It's appreciated.

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I'm pretty much feeling as low as possible right now. I interviewed for a job yesterday, and felt like I nailed it. I took a tour of the facility with the administrator, and we seemed to hit it off. I check my email today and find one from the county marked "Regret Letter" - so you can guess what the news was.  My father in law is friends with one of the HR people, so he called to see what happened. From what she told him, the HR rep and the two administrators I interviewed with all felt that I was the best choice for it. But, the other person they interviewed had more of a background in the field, so they had to go with him. At first I felt a little better knowing that they all felt I was the best choice, but now, that's what making feel lousy. Because it wasn't anything I did, or didn't do, that made them choose the other person.

 

I can apply again in six months, and I hear that there's a lot of turnover, so, I should get another shot. In the meantime, I'll just spend the rest of tonight feel like shit, and then tomorrow I'll see what other openings I can apply for.

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Mike:

If there's that much turnover, there has to be a reason. Sure you want to work there? 

Not to minimize anyone's shitty time of it, but since two of my four sisters-in-law (the ones I'm closest to) were here today and can't be here tomorrow, I got some birthday cake and ice-cream a day early. Yum, yum, yum!

BTW: Gifts will be gratefully accepted from one and all, if you don't have time to shop, PM me for my PayPal addy, cash is fine, I'm easy to please!

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Hi, so, I have an update. Good news- she's pulled through

Here's the short version of what happened: oral surgeon left a file in her face a decade ago. It randomly got EXTREMELY infected. It's too dangerous to remove it, so instead they just removed all her molars on that side. Also the infection spread so far that it reached her brain and airways. It's since receded, and the "plus side" of it is that she has very little memory of the whole thing. What matters is, she's survived. She's survived a hellish amount. She's the strongest person I've ever met, and if it was her against the world, I'd bet on her every time.

and if you think you should yell "SUE THEM," don't think we haven't all lined up and told her this

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