Movie [MOVIE] 2016 UPCOMING MOVIE TYPE THINGS:

[J.T.]

I don't think that people crapped on the Askewniverse movies until they began to say out loud what Kevin was thinking until he went on enough counterculture podcasts and talk shows to say those things himself.

I never minded mildly preachy Kevn Smith from Clerks or Jersey Girl, but extremely preachy Kevin Smith from Dogma and J&SBSB really got on my fucking nerves and even those movie had some extremely funny and brilliant moments.   To this day, WHEN GOD? WHEN'S GONNA BE MY TIME~? never fails to make me laugh until I piss myself.  Kevin proved his worth by continuing to drag greatness kicking and screaming out of Ben Affleck.

Now Kevin just makes mean spirited movies that say out loud what he's thinking in his head without the levity of comedy to balance things.  Tusk is nigh unwatchable because it is just a brutal movie full of dark jokes that only Kevin would laugh at.  The torture and disfigurement that Kevin makes Wallace endure are the things he like to do to his critics.  Hahahaha, that's really funny ~!

Only it's not because it seems like the second act of Kevin Smith's career consists of making projects that continue to lash out at the people that "do not get him" and we've heard this joke told numerous times before.  Hell, Jay and Silent Bob literally beat the shit out of proxy naysayers in Strike Back and if the rumors about Moose Jaws are true, then we will literally see the demise of the Askewniverse in a most vivid manner.

 

[(BP)]

He recently took a meeting with Warner Brothers, so the Askewniverse sequels might go on the back burner if he takes a gun for hire job with them again (like Cop Out...yay.)

It's a shame he didn't stick to the newspaper article Yoga Hosers was actually based on in his podcast. It was a weird piece about a hippie dippie Canadian yoga enthusiast/pot dealer who runs afoul of federal and international authorities when it turns out a statue he bought from a street vendor was actually a piece of ancient Middle Eastern art stolen from a museum.  It could have been a sly comedy of manners, but I don't think he has any interest in anything that subtle at this point, if he ever really did. 

[Elsalvajeloco]

7 minutes ago, (BP) said:

He recently took a meeting with Warner Brothers, so the Askewniverse sequels might go on the back burner if he takes a gun for hire job with them again (like Cop Out...yay.)

It would be extremely hilarious if Kevin ended up replacing Seth Grahame-Smith on The Flash since he's been so outspoken that Gustin should also be their cinematic Flash. I would love to hear his justification of that.

[RIPPA]

 

[Jingus]

Well that looks turrible.  We're really going back to 1990s-style paranoid thrillers about the dangers of The Information Superhighway, complete with websites that talk with robotic Speak-N-Spell voices?  From the makers of Paranormal Activity 4, just to spice things up.  

7 hours ago, J.T. said:

Now Kevin just makes mean spirited movies that say out loud what he's thinking in his head without the levity of comedy to balance things.  Tusk is nigh unwatchable because it is just a brutal movie full of dark jokes that only Kevin would laugh at.  The torture and disfigurement that Kevin makes Wallace endure are the things he like to do to his critics.  Hahahaha, that's really funny ~!

The thing is, that's simply not true.  I laughed at plenty of the jokes in Tusk.  And there's plenty enough lighthearted and goofy shit, especially the Johnny Depp parts.  You've seen at least one or two entries in the Saw series, right?  That's what I'd call a truly brutal movie full of torture and darkness, not one which involves the main character jerking off a petrified boner, or two glorified Peter Sellers caricatures having an absurd conversation about hockey and outhouses.  

As for the character of Wallace: that's not supposed to be his critics, that guy is a barely-veiled expy of Kevin Smith himself.  I mean, c'mon: a professional podcaster who makes lots of Nazi jokes, is generally oblivious to the real world around him, has somehow managed to marry a hot chick who is improbably out of his league, and the guy is even turned into a big fat walrus.  

[RIPPA]

 

[J.T.]

10 hours ago, Jingus said:

The thing is, that's simply not true.  I laughed at plenty of the jokes in Tusk. 

The irony that you qualifying the humor in Tusk by saying that you laughed at the jokes is not lost on me and it proves my initial point.

I am going to try to like Assassin's Creed.  It probably won't happen.  I will try to enjoy it in a Prince Of Persia movie What If History Books Were Written By Electronic Arts sorta way.

I can find no reviews of Cranium Intel and it comes out in a couple of weeks.  This frightens me.

[Technico Support]

20 hours ago, Curt McGirt said:

Those two minutes of random, self-indulgent stupidity finally got me on the "Kevin Smith Sucks" boat. 

 

20 hours ago, EVA said:

You're gonna have to swim hard to catch up.

I hated Clerks.  I am the captain of this fucking boat.

I saw it when it came out and thought it was boring and juvenile.  Other people said, "oh, you need to have worked in retail to have really enjoyed it."  Really?  That's your target audience?  Wow, that's some narrowcasting there.

[Dolfan in NYC]

So, am I the only one who saw Marion Cotillard and thought "Arya Stark?"  

Also, I'm pretty sure Kanye makes more money on trailers than he does on records. 

[J.T.]

3 hours ago, Dolfan in NYC said:

Also, I'm pretty sure Kanye makes more money on trailers than he does on records. 

Everyone does.  My friend is the co-founder of a small tech start-up and all they do is compose and record incidental music for marketing and advertising purposes (commercials, trailers), video games, business use (elevator music, radio filler), and the like and they make a fucking mint.

You don't have to be a rock star or a music industry wage slave anymore in order to make money composing or recording your materiel.

Music licensing is mad profitable now which is why the catalogs of successful artists like Kanye and Prince (RIP) are worth like five or six times than they were back in the day when only radio airplay and record sales mattered.

No one really cares about getting a Grammy, but EVERYONE wants their song to be one one of the GTA radio stations or to be the starting menu track for Madden.

[J.T.]

55 minutes ago, Technico Support said:

I saw it when it came out and thought it was boring and juvenile.  Other people said, "oh, you need to have worked in retail to have really enjoyed it."  Really?  That's your target audience?  Wow, that's some narrowcasting there.

Eh, I felt that Clerks was an interesting character study and it is a very smart movie. 

We've all run across that asshole who felt that being a customer gave him the right to be abusive or the level of entitlement that most retail clerks seem to have.  Odd how the wait staff at a restaurant will complain about cheap customers giving lousy tips as if their poor customer service was not a factor.

Case In Point: 

I always thought it was funny how despite being a total jerk, people still came into Randall's video store.  Why do we have such an easy time showing our displeasure with elected officials by voting for another candidate, but we refuse to vote down a business by not shopping there?  Do Randall's regular customers not share their negative experiences with each other? There is obviously a better video store in town because Randall rents from there rather than his own store!  How does Randall's video store stay in business?

It also goes to show just how much people pay attention to us and how we act when we are running around being oblivious to life.  Randall and Dante have developed an archetype for every single kind of customer that comes into their stores.  They take note of what people do an can almost unerringly predict how they will behave and the customers have no idea, because the customers assume that retail clerks are idiotic automatons.  I think that is the core theme of the movie.

[Tabe]

8 hours ago, RIPPA said:

 

I hate that they're including the modern day nonsense and hate even more that it's not even true to the games.  But...I am very hopeful that this will be good.  I like what I saw.  But then I am almost certainly the #1  Assassin's Creed fan on this board.

[Dolfan in NYC]

Red Band... and awesome. 

[J.T.]

So it is like Cast Away but with a stranded guy that is more insane than Tom Hank's character was, but in a good way..

They have substituted a corpse for the volleyball.

[Cristobal]

5 hours ago, Technico Support said:

 

I hated Clerks.  I am the captain of this fucking boat.

I saw it when it came out and thought it was boring and juvenile.  Other people said, "oh, you need to have worked in retail to have really enjoyed it."  Really?  That's your target audience?  Wow, that's some narrowcasting there.

https://nrf.com/news/survey-shows-most-americans-have-worked-retail

[HumanChessgame]

9 hours ago, Technico Support said:

 

I hated Clerks.  I am the captain of this fucking boat.

I saw it when it came out and thought it was boring and juvenile.  Other people said, "oh, you need to have worked in retail to have really enjoyed it."  Really?  That's your target audience?  Wow, that's some narrowcasting there.

I first saw Clerks when I was 16 and working my first job in a small town grocery store and found it moderately amusing at best.  The attempts to bring in actual philosophical or nerdy conversations just came off as trying too hard and annoying.

For the most part his other movies have done little for me, Mallrats was a lame juvenile comedy that hasn't aged well, and the entire plot of Chasing Amy was utterly asinine and came off like something a lonely loser would write about a girl who friendzoned him.  I remember liking Dogma well enough when it first came out, but trying to re-watch it, I think I checked out about halfway through.  JASBSB was slightly funny, but not memorable.  There was actually a good movie somewhere in Red State, but the ham handed political statement it tried to make towards the end really took away from that. 

Ironically enough, I liked Clerks 2 and find it the only one of his movies I'm interested in watching.  I'm not in the same station in life as Randal and Dante, but it's actually kind of relateable as far as describing being listless in life in your early 30s goes.  The actual statements he tried to make about life and friendships/relationships in his other movies actually came off as sincere and somewhat accurate.

[Curt McGirt]

We need to dump all this back in the Kevin Smith thread

[Elsalvajeloco]

 

[Casey]

I'm super pissed they made an Assassin's Creed movie before a Half-Life one. Come on, (insert who I should blame here). 

[J.T.]

2 hours ago, Casey said:

I'm super pissed they made an Assassin's Creed movie before a Half-Life one. Come on, (insert who I should blame here). 

I am still waiting for my Metroid trilogy.

[Dolfan in NYC]

Yeah, but we both know that until about 2 or 3 years ago, the CGI required just was not there and it would have been insanely expensive to do with practical effects. 

 

That being said.... get Margot Robbie as Samus, and you've got yourself a deal. 

[Raziel]

Problem with a Metroid Trilogy is you have to run it like Other M and Fusion so you have other characters, because you can't just have one character running around shooting things for 2 hours.

 

And Other M was all over the map quality wise

[J.T.]

Emily Blunt or Alicia Vikander as Samus would make everything alright. 

I'd redesign the space pirates to have a more humanoid look, but I think that Metroid still works with Mother Brain's hollow planet base as the sole set piece since Metroid is pretty much DieHard In Space.

I'm not sure how you handle the Dark Samus and Other M insanity.  Probably best left out.

[Dolfan in NYC]

Magneto finds a baby:

 

[Dolfan in NYC]

Percy Jackson Goes To College...