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The Awesome/Annoying TV COMMERCIAL Thread


piranesi
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Another thing I'm sick of: commercials that show families falling apart when the dad is left in charge. You know, there are spaghetti stains all over the walls, laundry everywhere, etc. Do ad agencies really have that low of an opinion on women that they think they just have to tell them "Your family wouldn't be able to dress themselves without you, now buy our brand of paper towels!"?

 

That's been going on for years and years, it's the "dad's an idiot" formula.  Also prevalent in pretty much every form of media.  When was the last time a dad on a sitcom wasn't a moron who had to be saved by his wife?

 

 

King Of The Hill

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Another thing I'm sick of: commercials that show families falling apart when the dad is left in charge. You know, there are spaghetti stains all over the walls, laundry everywhere, etc. Do ad agencies really have that low of an opinion on women that they think they just have to tell them "Your family wouldn't be able to dress themselves without you, now buy our brand of paper towels!"?

 

That's been going on for years and years, it's the "dad's an idiot" formula.  Also prevalent in pretty much every form of media.  When was the last time a dad on a sitcom wasn't a moron who had to be saved by his wife?

 

 

King Of The Hill

 

Well Homer gets saved by Bart and Lisa as much as Marge. . .  .LOL

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So much irrational hate for the hipster kid with the Amazon phone.

 

What's irrational about it? Those kids suck. I hate precocious kid commercials anyway but those take the f'n cake.

 

Also, what kind of parents gives kids that phone in the first place? Or I am I just out of touch?

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The best penis pill commercials are the ones that correlate the throbbing strength of your shaft to how good you are at your job fixing a printing press or driving a horse to a farm whatever.  Basic message: cock prowess = competence.

 

Alternate message: You can't drive the horse all the way into the stable if all your tools don't work.

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The best penis pill commercials are the ones that correlate the throbbing strength of your shaft to how good you are at your job fixing a printing press or driving a horse to a farm whatever.  Basic message: cock prowess = competence.

 

Alternate message: You can't drive the horse all the way into the stable if all your tools don't work.

The truck commercials are the same way. "NO LITTLE TRUCK WILL DO FOR YOU. YOU NEED THE BIGGEST TRUCK AROUND."

 

I just wish the background music were:

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Funny thing is at the same time their making fun of old dudes and their sad drooping melted dongs, they're also stroking the ego of the old guys, showing them doing all this stuff like sailing around Cape Horn all alone or gelding a wild stallion or cranking a locomotive drive shaft back to churning life.

 

They don't show them withering away on casino night or spurting sad nap drool all over the arm of the couch or complaining about how "the aol is only showing me Rachel Maddow!  I hate Rachel Maddow and AOL KNOWS IT!  GODDAMMIT I CAN'T GET A BONER NOW!!!"

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American advertising has gotten so homogenous that there's a commercial that always airs during football where I'm not sure if it's for:

 

  • Dick pills
  • Big fucking trucks
  • Shitty American lager

Until the actual product shows up.  Essentially, they're all "manly men doing manly things, manly, definitely non homo things that you need our product to do."

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Funny thing is at the same time their making fun of old dudes and their sad drooping melted dongs, they're also stroking the ego of the old guys, showing them doing all this stuff like sailing around Cape Horn all alone or gelding a wild stallion or cranking a locomotive drive shaft back to churning life.

 

They don't show them withering away on casino night or spurting sad nap drool all over the arm of the couch or complaining about how "the aol is only showing me Rachel Maddow!  I hate Rachel Maddow and AOL KNOWS IT!  GODDAMMIT I CAN'T GET A BONER NOW!!!"

 

Probably not the first boner Rachel's killed.

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You know how sometimes someone will make a funny observation about the weird jumpsuits people always wear in Sci-Fi movies and wonder how that every would have happened.

 

Well...we almost made that turn.  We almost got there, people:

 

 

But people JUST WOULDN'T GET WITH THE PROGRAM!!!! And now you're all fat AND not even in a spaceship.

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CORRINE BOHRER COMMERCIAL-VERSE: PART III: THE UNLEASHENING

When we left Corinne Bohrer's commercial odyssey we had a body count of two (that we could confirm).  Of course, has anyone seen Paul Reiser since 1998?  Yeah.  There could have already been dozens.  We last saw her in an elevator, draped in layers of clothing.  A twitching murderous mess coming to terms with her...different-ness.

AT&T had decided to tap into her growing and uncontrollable powers to help them win the long distance wars.  It worked in the short term.  10-10-321 is gone.  MCI?  1-800-collect?  Ground to so much bloody meat under her thrall.  But at what price?  She was at that point in a hyperactive melt-down state, growing in power as she shed layers of sanity with each faltering attempt at human interaction.  To exploit that was irresponsible and twenty years later we are all paying with our lives.

And so we move forward and get a glimpse into her crumbling reality just as it reaches a point of rupture.  A woman haunted by demons...well a demon.  A hideous gargoyle.  This time courtesy of Pier 1.



Note the dark apartment.  Note how she lurks about in her own home...a shut-in, avoiding people as much as possible.  Note how, once again, she shields herself in massive amounts of wool.  Another turtleneck as she attempts to hide herself away from the world like CARRIE under the staircase.

But she is haunted, pursued and pestered by a hideous entity that sings mockingly to her, follows her, dancing like at a witches sabbath, circling and cackling, that promises her gifts, implicates relationships, family, friends that don't exist, cannot exist for this singular creature.

Is she concocting the bellowing ghoul out of guilt for her many murders?  Out of shame of her difference?  Or is she being selected by some ancient powers? Awakened through the mechanism of a braying harpy sent as messenger or a kind of shrieking psychic alarm clock?

And where does this evil pied piper lead her?  Into a terrifying landscape of candles and glassware.  Furnishings, mocking symbols of a home that she does not have but will soon seek to create for herself.

The breakthrough comes courtesy of Tostino's Pizza Roles.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJjWANw7trY

It is a brief moment.  But we can see that she has moved away from the city and attempted to preserve her hold on our plane and avoid more casualties by isolating herself in the countryside.  She has idealized the "kitchen space" as the one that will be safest for her.

But to no avail.  The power of the Old Ones punctures physical reality once again, reaches through the apparently fragile walls of our dimension and makes it clear to her, once and for all, that she cannot remain here among us.   That does not mean we will not be a part of her life-cycle, centuries or millenia..unknown yet.  But she will make use of us to create a stable home for herself.
 
That desire...her desire for a place to belong.  For a home.  It will eventually destroy us all.  And we see it take shape...thanks to Windex.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zHypOiN5BjE

As she begins to embrace and master her powers we are now thrown into a sorceress whirlwind of unnatural activity.  The dark, cramped apartment has given way to a vast white space.  A blank canvas on which she can concoct a homeworld.

At first she explores furtively, but eventually with lunges and thrusts, she begins to bend reality.  Refrigerators and stoves, more symbols of "home" multiply.  The fabric of space splinters and stretches.  She is modeling this world on the idealized feminine domestic spaces of her commercial origins, the last vague memories of that adorable Chicken McNugget girl with the smooth Gillette legs and the naive Texas drawl.

But it spins out of control and soon she is merging strange chemicals and towering over smudges and stains.  It is at this point that we realize with horror, dear reader, that her world is not outside of ours, but around it.  We are within her grasp.  She has found her purpose.  And she gathers us up one spongefull at a time.

The chapters ends...but no...suddenly she turns and we see them.  Among her mergings and creations she has forged two younglings.  She will send them into a middle space between our dimension and hers.,a conduit to feed our life energy into her.  It is what she needs to maintain the walls of blissful order she has constructed around her.

 

Their words?  In unison, the most ominous we might imagine: "Mom!  We're Huuuuuuuuuungry!!!!"  Dear God...what has been spawned?

We know one of these creatures.  We know her as the Ciabatta Baconatress. The Baja Smoked Gouta Pecan Destructress.  We have explored her middle-dimension quite a bit in this thread.  We all know the hypnotic paradise of office-cubicle and hipster-apartment mirages that await us in her Sarlacc-Stomach purgatory realm.  And for the first time we have gotten a glimpse at the final stop in the process of consumption for one of the many hipster slugs under Wendy's Lady's control...Corinne Bohrer's "Kitchen."

And now, thanks to these recent revelations, we can see the connections.  We learned a few commercials ago that there was a power higher than Wendy's Lady.  And now we know of her origins and we have something like a picture of our own true universe.  A cosmological map by which we can begin to strategize...or perpare for supplication and surrender.

Screen_Shot_2014_09_14_at_1_08_39_AM.png

 

It is terrifying...and enthralling to imagine the layers through which we will each be digested and assimilated.   I eagerly await the summoning of the Red-Haired Broctoon of the Pretzel-Baconsphere.

 

And the other child?  A savior perhaps?  A New Hope?
 

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Dear Kevin Smith,

 

Fuck you for all the ads you bought on Youtube for your shitty horror movie Tusk.  I've probably had to sit through the :15 second commercial about 20 times so far.  

 

I know you have your podcasting "empire" but I hope this movie loses so much money that you're forced to direct episodes of NCIS: Los Angeles (with special guest star Linda Fiorentino, no less) in order to pay off your investors.

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So much irrational hate for the hipster kid with the Amazon phone.

What's irrational about it? Those kids suck. I hate precocious kid commercials anyway but those take the f'n cake.

Also, what kind of parents gives kids that phone in the first place? Or I am I just out of touch?

Sadly, you're out of touch. For most people the landline has gone the way of the dodo, which means that when kids get to the age where they need to call their parents, they just get them their own phone. And you know how kids are - they get made fun of if they don't have the newest phone. It is actually kinda hard to find a decent non-smart phone these days too.

My wife teaches middle school, and she is constanly taking away iphones and whatnot from 8th graders.

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Eh I had a burner phone (Net 10) for years and it worked fine. In fact it got better reception than my Galaxy S4. Really no reason for 9 year olds on like on that commercial to have their own smart phone. Especially using apps like Amazon Prime on public wifi so they burn through your data plan.

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