Dolfan Watches Every Wrestlemania On Lockdown

[Dolfan in NYC]

DAY 126

Alright, after "the greatest match in pro wrestling history", and boy are those quotes doing a lot of heavy lifting there, we need a filler match to bring the crowd back up.  Well, we now have 4 guys making their WrestleMania debuts. 

Andrade "Cien" Almas had proven himself more than capable in NXT, briefly holding the NXT Championship.  He would go through the Vince McMahon patented "I can't pronounce that shit" machine, so he just became Andrade. He was originally slated to defend his US Championship at this point against Rey Mysterio, who may or may not have had COVID, I don't think it was ever made clear.  However, Rey did quarantine so he was off Mania.  So, they put Andrade and his manager Zelina Vega into a tag team with a very recent NXT call up, Angel Garza. 

Andrade went through another change and became Am Injured, so even though he and Garza had won the right to fight for the Raw Tag Titles at WrestleMania, Garza needed a new partner.  Well, a new kid had just debuted on NXT TV, 22 year old Austin Theory -- who I personally had just seen the previous summer wrestling as EVOLVE (rip) Champion (a delightful match against Roddy Strong) -- so I'm sure Vince got one look at him and said, "you'll do."  

They're here to face the Street Profits. It would be unfair to call them the 2020 version of Men on a Mission, but... I'll just say you can see the clear line from MoM to Cryme Time to the New Day to Montez & Angelo.  Seems to be a pattern with WWE.... *thought emoji*  

Anyway, HHH is not on this show, so I decide the Profits entrance is as good as any to do one last sprint to.  So I dutifully sprint as they dance their way to the ring, solo cups and Raw tag titles in hand.  I should note that Tez is shouting WrestleMania as loud as he can, which again, just draws attention to the huge weirdness of everything.  I'm sure he was told to amp it up to 11 despite there being no crowd, but it's just weird.  

The fact that he continues doing it as the match starts is enough to annoy both Garza and Theory. Once the heels take control, Garza even starts shouting "it's WrestleMania!!!" back at Ford, which makes me like him even more.  Theory basically says nothing in the whole match and is just there to bump around and fly high.  Because, frankly, that's what he's good at, and almost no one watching this knows who he is.  

It's a quick affair, as Theory takes the Profits' finisher as SP retains.  Zelina Vega and Angel attack Dawkins after the match to set up what appears to be the point of this whole thing...  introducing the newest callup from NXT:   Bianca Bel Air.  

Bel Air dispatches Vega, and the Profits deal with Garza & Theory and they all celebrate after.   Bel Air would go on to have quite the year and is, at the moment of this writing, still choosing between Asuka & Sasha Banks as the prize of winning the 2021 Royal Rumble.  So, good for her.  

The other team is so cursed, it's scary.  Andrade became a feuding partner with Garza for months after this. Eventually losing his US Championship to Apollo Crews. Getting turned on by Garza, and attacked by the Fiend.  He's hurt and hasn't been seen since the fall. Garza has been demoted to "creep who hangs out backstage giving women flowers."  Austin Theory was named in the sexual assault allegations wave that swept pro wrestling last summer and was taken off TV for months and sent back to NXT.  He's currently a member of The Way, Johnny Gargano's heel squad, where he plays an absolute idiot. 

And Vega....  well, she was let go allegedly after her OnlyFans site was discovered by management.  My understanding of her release though was because WWE felt that she owed them a cut of not only her OF, but her very profitable Twitch stream, where she played video games and talked about life, etc. She had also made it very clear she supported a union for pro wrestlers, another big no no in WWE. Her case is an extremely interesting one because it has ramifications for a lot of people in the industry.  But as of now, she is a free agent.  

Cursed team.  

[Curt McGirt]

3 minutes ago, Dolfan in NYC said:

Well, we now have 4 guys making their WrestleMania debuts.

That's a bit "if a tree falls in the woods", innit?

[Dolfan in NYC]

Gronk wins the 24/7 Title after diving onto everyone on the roster without a match.  Notably, Gronk really, REALLY didn't want to do the spot until Vince did it himself in rehearsals.  As Rippa said at the time, I can't imagine why he wouldn't want to do a spot he's never been trained how to do. 

--

When I saw Bayley for the first time, I remember thinking, "She's connecting with the crowd and all, but not that impressive after that." It's really, really amazing how much better she's gotten over the years. Her heel turn in 2019 has made some inspired work from her.  She works as an arrogant, yet deeply paranoid person, which is a very wonderful twist on her original character.  Before it was "god I hope they like me" and it turned to "oh god they like me".  It took a couple of months to find her footing, but her pairing with Sasha created some terrific work.  

She's here to defend her Smackdown Women's title in a multi-challenger match. Originally billed as a six pack challenge, it became a 5 Way when Dana Brooke had to quarantine.  The remaining challengers are Naomi, Tamina, Lacey Evans (her Mania wrestling debut), and... Sasha Banks.  

Leave it to the women to actually have what turns out to be the match of the night.  Because as I've complained many times before this, it's next to impossible to tell a story in a multi-person match, especially when it's winner take all. But they clearly said fuck all that, we can do this.  

First of all, they all do the *very* smart thing of collectively deciding, hmm Tamina is as big as the 4 of us combined, let's take her out first.  Tamina fights valiantly, but ultimately, even the largest animals will get exhausted if they get attacked over and over again by multiple hunters who are determined to take them down.  

After Tamina takes all 4 of the other's finishers, they all turn to face each other. The battle lines are drawn, Bayley and Sasha - long time friends vs. Naomi and Lacey - convenient partners, with Bayley doing a world of shit talking the whole time. Bayley and Sasha are actively working together and eventually get the break they need and split the two off each other, going to work on Naomi.  Though there are some bumps on the road, notably when Bayley accidentally kicks Sasha, and then has to use the height of her persuasive powers to calm Banks down to get her to focus on the task at hand, the former Boss & Hug Connection puts enough damage on Naomi to finally eliminate her. 

Lacey's down to two on one, but beats away Sasha and apparently has Bayley dead to rights.  Sasha gets Bayley out of the way and eats a Woman's Right from Lacey and is eliminated.  As JBL notes, Bayley may have been exhausted, but didn't exactly jump to Sasha's aid while the pin occurred.  

But it's all down to Lacey and Bayley, and after some back and forth between the two, Evans gets the upper hand back. But Sasha saves Bayley by attacking Evans from behind, and.... 

I don't know if Bayley's new finisher has a name yet (I know it was the 'Rose Driver' before), but I really want it to be known as I'd Like To Speak To The Manager , though Ding, Dong, Hello!  works equally well. 

The stepover DDT ends the match at just under 20 minutes.  The match was a LOT better than I'd remembered.  

Bayley's absurdly wonderful heeling was great.  Evans did quite well her role as straight-laced babyface who gets screwed. And Sasha was also just great as being caught between her ambitions and her friendship.   

That's it for this ride though.  Last ride ahead.  

End of Day 126. 

[Zimbra]

Hard to believe we're almost caught up to the present, here.  What a long, strange writing project it's been.

Thanks for doing these, Dolfan, they've been fun to read.

[Dolfan in NYC]

DAY 127

John Cena, movie star, is back inexplicably once again as a babyface.  But mostly because he said he will not wrestle at this year's WrestleMania. I still think he has one last heel Hollywood star run in him like Rock in 2003, but he has absolutely earned his right to do whatever he wants.  As someone on the board pointed out, there is no one on the current roster who is even remotely in the mainstream zeitgeist, especially with John Cena being gone.  But anyway, Cena's saying "I'm not wrestling" is Vince's way of him laying out a challenge.  

Well, Bray Wyatt and his new unstoppable Fiend character was recently obliterated by Bill Goldberg for the title at the last Saudi PPV.  (I'm guessing because MBS doesn't know.) Anyway, The Fiend's card is open, so he Points At WrestleMania Sign in a place where Cena can see.  And as David Attenborough has made very clear in countless nature videos, this is a challenge to a fight.  Cena accepts. 

The build is actually interesting as they do lean into the Cena-Wyatt match from 6 years before where everyone in the world just assumed Wyatt would go over.  Because it would be just stupid to not build your new hottest heel over the aging veteran who has a foot out the door.  (*sigh*)  They even point out, correctly!, that Wyatt's career never recovered from that loss. (Getting squashed by Undertaker, and then by proxy by the Rock didn't help either.)

So, the match is set, but the last twist.  It's a "Firefly Funhouse Match."  Which, again, no one knows what the fuck that means.  (I'll note, either they can't say Firefly Funhouse anymore or the announcer fucked up, because there's a notable dip in the audio and he just calls it a "Funhouse Match.")  

So, it's a cinematic match.  But we don't find that out until Cena's already in the ring.  

Wyatt and Cena roll through his career. They make detours to Saturday Night's Main Event (with Animotion's "Obsession" theme intact!) - to make the point that Cena did steroids? - and the nWo, to make the point that Cena has gone Hollywood. 

They spend a while on the Doctor of Thuganomics.  Again, it's very cute to see how Cena actively avoids going anywhere near the verses he would make in 2004, removing all misogynistic and homophobic references.  The verses he spits out constitute his 'offense', as it were, for the match.  

Eventually, we get back to modern Cena.  The Fiend has taken over Wyatt, Mandible Claw and Sister Abagail literally vaporize Cena. Wyatt stands triumphant and disappears too, having destroyed the thing that destroyed him 4 years before. Titus O'Neil makes a dumb face. 

The whole thing plays like a 70-something addled cokehead smoked pot and watched a David Lynch movie... let's say... Lost Highway.  He had no idea what he just saw, but after having it explained it to him, explained it to someone else. 

I am not complaining about this, btw.  They actually went for it and more or less got there.  It's entertaining, it moved, had a decent pacing to it, and actually told the story it wanted to. I will say that on the second watch, it loses a little, because you actually know where they're going with it.  But all in all, it was a good way to deal with the no crowd circumstance, and a very good way to dispatch Cena with him taking minimal risks.  Plus it got over The Fiend. 

That last part is critical, because The Fiend is clearly a building block for their company in the 2020s. And getting him over as an Alpha-level threat needs to happen if you ever plan on making any kind of money with him.  

Alright... it's here, we're down to the last match.  

[John from Cincinnati]

6 minutes ago, Dolfan in NYC said:

They make detours to Saturday Night's Main Event

YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THE WHOLE SEAT AND USE ONLY THE EDGE!

 

[Nineteen]

Interesting to bring up David Lynch.  I finally saw this match a few weeks ago and my thought at the end was "So Cena's trapped in the black lodge?"

I thought it totally delivered, it was a really gusty move to go and and finally have Cena face all his past actions like that and actually stick the ending.  The Fiend "got in" and that was the beginning of the end.  Also Rambling Rabbit getting down to Basic Thuganomics popped me pretty big.

[The Comedian]

The brilliance of the Firefly Funhouse match is that, under the guise of mocking Cena's career, it actually mocks Vince's formula for making the top guy. And most importantly, it finally tells us what Vince's"brass ring" really is. Like many others before and since, Cena starts out by assuming it's a ripped body. Only by accident does he actually figure it out through his rapper gimmick and the opportunity it affords him to do dis rhymes: Vince's brass ring is cruelty. The willingness to mock, destroy, and bury your opponent in an utterly self-serving fashion - that's what makes you a cut above in Vince's world. 

[Doragon]

They taped Drew vs Big Show so that's another match for you.

[Robert S]

On 2/25/2021 at 10:22 PM, Log said:

WWE likes to manufacture legends.  I'd say, other than HHH, Edge is their most manufactured "legend".  As in, he's a guy who's referred as one, but just doesn't have the resume or popularity to back it up.

I would put JBL above Edge for that. Everytime they announce the pre-show panel it is something like "Hall of Famer Jerry 'The King' Lawler", Hall of Famer Booker T and the legendary JBL". JBL had a good career, a better one that you would have expected in 98 or even in 03, but the only thing he is "legendary" in is (allegedly) being an arse and a bully.

[Dolfan in NYC]

New York City went on lockdown on the weekend of March 13th.  Things were getting crazy.  Hundreds and then thousands of people were being infected by the novel coronavirus.  A friend of mine had travelled to Brazil in early March and because of getting infected and hospitalized, didn't come back to New York until May.  Some other people I knew weren't so lucky. 

There's this bar I frequent called Rockbar. It's a small space (because every bar in New York is) where guys go and see friends, drink a lot for a cheap price, and have a very sleazy good time. About a dozen people I knew were infected by the coronavirus because they went to the bar that weekend. Four of them passed away in the following month. 

People became terrified of their own shadows.  Mask wearing became common, and New Yorkers would actively shame others for not wearing a mask. Social distancing pushed everyone away from each other.  By the time summer came around, though cases started to go down, I knew 6 people who'd lost their lives. 

Of course, when the virus went down here and in LA, they started to go up in other places, like Florida and Texas.  The first wave never really ended, people just decided to live with the risk of the virus - or worse, decided since they hadn't seen any one get sick, it wasn't a threat.  But, unfortunately, I knew just how real it was.  

One of my closest friends was intubated in March.  He miraculously survived the intubation and was discharged from the hospital in May.  I speak with him almost daily, and he still suffers with long term effects of the illness, but thankfully has mostly returned to his normal life.  (Personally, I can't wait to give him a gigantic hug.) 

By the time 2020 ended, 3 more people I knew passed away. Thankfully, my senior citizen parents both began their vaccination in December, and finished in January. 

In mid-January. I became eligible for the vaccine in New York and got my first shot.  

Then Covid came for the rest of my family...  My uncle, aunt, and 5 cousins and spouses all tested positive early in February.  I lost my uncle Marcos to the virus 3 weeks ago.  Thankfully, they rest of the family survived.  

The morning of February 20th, I saw Drew McIntyre kick out of 3 F5's.  I saw him Claymore Brock Lesnar into oblivion and win the WWE Championship.  Drew McIntyre fulfilled his dreams that day last year. 

I got my second shot later on that cold February afternoon.  

When I started this thing last year, I honestly thought this was something that would be done by the summer. I can tell you, I didn't know if I'd actually finish it. And I honestly didn't know if my $125 bike would actually survive somewhat daily usage for the better part of a year.  

1900 miles later, Drew McIntyre held the WWE Championship above his head.  I write now, vaccinated and feeling accomplished. Feeling mournful for the 11 family and friends I have personally lost in the last year. But, feeling hopeful for the future.  

For those of you who have come with me on this voyage, I am grateful.  We'll see what comes next, but I have an idea or two.  

In the meantime, this is your humbled writer, simply saying: 

Thank you. Stay strong. Wear a mask. When its your turn to get vaccinated, please get your shot.

We will get through this, together.  

-Kelvin

[John from Cincinnati]

Thank you for this, Dolfan. I appreciate you and I'm sorry you've had to experience so much of this thing. I'm glad you got to share this with all of us.

[Sublime]

Thank you Dolfan. This thread has been a great read and a one of the consistent ways I’ve been able to take my mind of the virus over the past year. Also I’m sorry you’ve been impacted so much by it. 
The past year has been stressful for us all. As someone who works in public health and holds an advanced degree in it as well, this year has been frustrating as well, watching as basic public health measures are undermined, ignored or mocked. Having outlets like his has been great for my mind. 
I and my immediate family as well as some extended, contracted the virus in December, we were exceeding careful but through contact with medical services were exposed, I’m lucky that none of us got the worst of it and no one had to be hospitalized. 
I want to just say to everyone please don’t start relaxing things now because the vaccine rollout has improved. The spread can still go up and the more it spreads the more chance it will have to mutate. The isolation sucks even for an introverted homebody like me but keeping it up for longer is really important.

[twiztor]

thank you for this, @Dolfan in NYC. My sympathies for what this pandemic has brought to your family and friends. I know your writings have brought me joy, memories, and reflection.

I hope this thread lives on, with March Madness and the Sleaze Thread, amongst others, as a legacy of this board. And come what may, i appreciate what you've done here.

[NikoBaltimore]

Thank you so much for doing this.  It's been very fun reading your take on all the WMs and your writing style painted one helluva picture in describing everything that happened.  As for the virus I'm fortunate that I got the vaccine and thankfully my family all got their first dose recently.  Second one's in a couple weeks for them but once my wife's able to get it then I'll be a lot more at ease.  Of course we'll all still take precautions and everything but I fear that many will not do the same thing once they get it.  Or there will be those that won't get it at all which is something I'd rather not get into here.

But I know it was a quick match but what happened during Drew/Brock was largely irrelevant.  All that mattered was the post-match celebration that should have been in front of a packed stadium.  He's said in interviews that while it sucked nobody was there he had to find some way to connect with them.  So between waving at the corner camera and the celebration on the second rope he wanted to do everything he could to make the best of it.  He also said that he waited until after the show aired to take the belt out of storage and let it sink in that he's champ which was nice.  So while I always liked Drew I liked him that much more for how he carried himself through this crazy time.  Poor guy really deserves to be in front of crowds and I hope he's able to get a big win in front one once possible.

[Brian Fowler]

I've been, all told, "lucky" in the pandemic. A few family members have gotten symptomatic Covid, and a few friends tested positive without symptoms, but nobody I know was hospitalized or died. I'm an "essential" worker so I didn't lose my job, and though my hours got real short during the brief period the country really took everything seriously, the expanded unemployment benefits were a lifesaver.

I miss hanging out with my friends. It was WrestleMania last year that I first really felt that, not going to Travis's house to drink and watch Mania the way we do nearly every year for over a decade. I miss simple things like being able to go to a store in the middle of the night when nobody is there. 

But I've been lucky, and now I'm just desperately hoping that can hold up for however much longer this nightmare continues.

Edited March 1, 2021 by Brian Fowler

[Spontaneous]

@Dolfan in NYC, thank you. This has been a fun read. I have been fortunate to not lose anyone to COVID-19. I'm sorry for you and everyone on this board who has lost someone from it. My sister in law and father are still winded and brain fogged almost a year later. 

[Curt McGirt]

Sorry for the losses man. 

66 pages. Does this make it the longest thread in board history? 

[John from Cincinnati]

36 minutes ago, Curt McGirt said:

66 pages. Does this make it the longest thread in board history? 

Not quite. Just for fun, I had a look at what's archived in the comic book movie+TV folder. If we're just going by pages, there are a few threads over seventy pages in just that section alone. There's an absurdly long one that went 173 pages. 

 

Edited March 3, 2021 by John from Cincinnati

[Robert C]

There's at least one 500 page thread in the gaming folder.  I'm responsible for an embarrassing amount of it.

[Curt McGirt]

I doubt I've ever even visited the game folder. Of course, I stopped playing games around the time of Doom II and the first Playstation. I was always terrible at games, with ones I've beaten I think I can count on one hand (Castlevania, Kirby on Gameboy, cheated the shit out of those two Dooms and Wolfenstein 3D, Sonic 1 and 2, almost beat Operation C on Gameboy but died on the last level. I never even beat Mario). 

[Robert C]

Dolfan, I wanted to add my thanks for this.  Best I can remember, I've never seen any full match from any Wrestlemania, and I've never seen a bunch of the WWF/E folks from the last 20 years wrestle at all (I know I've never seen a Cena match, and I don't think I've ever seen a full Rock match, for example).  Despite that I read and enjoyed the whole thing.  A lot of it got read in my son's room at night while trying to get him to go to sleep, and helped me to stay awake till he was out.  Good stuff.

Edited March 3, 2021 by Robert C

[RIPPA]

I promised Dolfan that I would put these on the main site as to not lose them.

I say this so folks can hold me accountable as I continue to hate wrestling and do nothing

@Curt McGirtyou sweet, sweet summer child

There are 2 posts in this very folder within a half dozen threads of this one that are above 100 pages (Not from the Now and Old School Questions)

[AxB]

The sleaze thread went 100 pages, before it got locked. But 70 pages of that was people saying they created an account just to say that they liked the thread.

[twiztor]

On 3/3/2021 at 12:01 PM, Robert C said:

Dolfan, I wanted to add my thanks for this.  Best I can remember, I've never seen any full match from any Wrestlemania, and I've never seen a bunch of the WWF/E folks from the last 20 years wrestle at all (I know I've never seen a Cena match, and I don't think I've ever seen a full Rock match, for example). 

you've never seen any full match from any WrestleMania?

i literally can't even comprehend how that is possible. what do you watch? how did you dive into wrestling when your fandom turned full blown? how have you avoided Hogan/Andre?