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piranesi

piranesi

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1984 now adds some big guns: Tony Danza, Tracy Scoggins, Parker Stevenson...and for NBC..

 

 

JANE BADLER AND MARC SINGER!! FROM V!!!!!!

 

If I see Jane Badler in a bathing suit, I'm fucking done, man.  Just overwhelmed.

 

 

Also, I did not remember that these people were competing for money...like, for themselves...$20,000 each for the winning team.  How fucking bizarre?  Why was this tolerated?

 

 

Kayaking!Michael J. fox  vs. Tony Danza vs. Parker Stevenson.Tony Danza is an inept fool.  No sruprise.Kim Fields vs. Heather Locklear vs. Charlene Tilton.Tilton is all muscle.  Locklear has apparently passed out from malnutrition.Teri Coply is the purest distillation of the 1980s I've ever seen.Devane and Shatner are in a fight over Tony Danza interfering!  The decision will be made by Commissioner Bob Uecker.  Devane has apparently assaulted Uecker.  This is serious business.  $20,000 is a month's worth of cocaine if you are William Devane.

 

 

Mark Harmon vs. Shatner are QBs in the touch football finals.  The O/D lines are three plays men, then three plays women.  It is bizarre.Teri Copley is playing corner.  She's mauling Tracy Scoggins.  They are actually fighting now. Marc SINGER tips Shatner's pass and Mark Harmon intercepts!!!! And a 2nd Singer pick!!  Shatner is Matt Schaub!Oh, shit.  That hot chick from HUNTER is in!This all falls apart, though, when no one can cover Michael J. Fox.  It's kind of unfair, because he's like 15 and the rest of them are all on Quaaludes.Mark Harmon is way hairier than you might think.  Like, his shoulders are hairy.  Like, Peter Falk hairy.Cossell just called Mark Harmon "an egoist of the worst possible magnitude."  He is also complaining that NBC chose Kim Fields when they had obvious free safety Mindy Cohn right there.

 

 

 

Brenda Vaccaro is making a mockery of the dunk tank event.  Joe Buck is outraged "A disgusting act!" 

Meanwhile, Mark Singer's package is magnificent, but there is no reason he needs to be in a Speedo to throw the balls at the dunk tank.  Come on, man!  Leave Podo and/or Kodo in your trousers. (anyone who gets this has just unlocked the TBS programming achievement)

 

After messing up on the obstacle course, Teri Copley had the folloiwng exchange with Cosell:

 

"But I did so much better in rehearsal."

"In sports, dear, we call it practice."

"What?"

 

Kim Fields literally could not get her boobs under the trampoline.  She is stuck.

 

WE ARE WINNING THE COLD WAR, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!

 

 

Where the fuck is Jane Badler?

 

Your 1984 winner:

Kim Field's Boobs!!!!!

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piranesi

piranesi

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Cosell is replaced in 1985 by Dick van Dyke.  Uecker is replaced by Earl Weaver. and we've moved to some resort hotel in Mexico?  Fuck that, this is an L.A. thing and it's supposed to happen at a summer camp or something.  It's supposed to be all about tank tops and stripey short shorts and orange slices.  Sadly, the naive fun of the 70s/early-80s has been replaced by the decadence of the middle Reagan years.  It's all so cold and corporate now.  Even the graphics have changed, getting all shiny and computery.

But forget all that the new prettiest faces include Erin Gray, Lisa Bonet, Ted McGinley, Mary Frann,  Jenilee Harrison (THREE'S COMPANY's version of Shemp).   Mary Frann's big 80s hair cannot actually fit into a swimming cap.  It bursts out and the swimming event is cancelled while she is extracted from the filters.

Oh, My God Emma Samms!!!!!   I just re-experienced by first wet dream...but, like, awake.  Is there a term for that?  Incontinence?

Hey someone from FINDER OF LOST LOVES!  Does anyone else remember FINDER OF LOST LOVES?  It had Ephram Zimbalist.  It lasted, like, five episodes.

Philip Michael Thomas!!!! vs. Doug McKeon?  In a foot race?  That seems like a mismatch.  Doug McKeon is like 4 ft. 6. Guarantee you don't see Don Johnson doing any of this.  Actually I'd be amazed if he wasn't technically the subject a "missing person" report during any given week in 1985.  

Lisa Bonet is adorable.  She's so into this.  She's not all dark and moody and artsy yet.  But they keep calling her a "little firecracker."  I'm not comfortable with that.  I mean, I don't think it's racist or sexist, but I'm still going to back away from it.  I wonder if that's what drove her over the edge?  Thanks Dick Van Dyke!

Have I noted that Bubba Smith has replaced Shatner as ABC captain.  I thought it might be for BLUE THUNDER, but that was over by '85.  So apparently it is because he was in a show called HALF NELSON, which starred Joe Pesci as a New York cop who moves to Hollywood to become an actor but is considered too short, so he starts a detective agency...of course.  Bubba Smith, Dick Butkus, Fred Williamson, John Saxon, and Dean Martin were all in this thing. That is all amazing, and I would link to a clip on Youtube, but Victoria Jackson is in it too and that is hard to take.

The kayak race proves to be too difficult for everyone involved since for the first time it's not in a pool, but in the actual sea.  This was a drastically poor idea.  They literally do not finish. Lisa Bonet is washed into the sea and Tony Danza has somehow broken his leg.  Bubba Smith weeps.  A young Stephen Speilberg is reminded of the Normandy Landing.  Film history is set in motion.

Since that went so well, we are going to do another boat event?  A possibly incredibly questionably titled "Mexican fishing boat race."  That just doesn't sound right, guys.  Where is the dunk tank?  Where is frisbee toss?  Where is the tug-o-war?  You know what, this whole thing has become way to corporate and big for its own good.  I remember when BATTLE OF THE NETWORK STARS still had inegrity and authenticity.  Now it's all big-budget action pieces an helicopter-camera shots and Tiki bars and Dick Van Dyke will NOT BUTTON HIS SHIRTFORTHELOVEOFGOD,MAN YOU ARE SEVENTY-SOMETHING YEARS OLD!!!!!!.

The Tug-O-War is back!  But it is no contest as one team has a Bubba Smith and the other does not.  It is over in seconds.  Have they not seen POLICE ACADEMY????

 

Goddamn you, Brandon Tartikoff, you've destroyed the sanctity of this event!  I can't go on.

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pipGofern

pipGofern

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Man, you know you're old when Piranesi posts his Battle of the Network Stars Workrate Reports and you not only recognize the names, you can instantly tell what show they were on and what character they played. Ah...youth...

 

By the way, Emma Samms pops up on General Hospital from time to time and still looks pretty spectacular.

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Tabe

Tabe

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By the way, Emma Samms pops up on General Hospital from time to time and still looks pretty spectacular.

Just did a Google search and you're right.  She still looks fabulous.

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Ace

Ace

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 Come on, man!  Leave Podo and/or Kodo in your trousers. (anyone who gets this has just unlocked the TBS programming achievement)

 

All the likes, ever. Even if you did get no prime Gabe Kaplan domination viewing.

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piranesi

piranesi

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 Come on, man!  Leave Podo and/or Kodo in your trousers. (anyone who gets this has just unlocked the TBS programming achievement)

 

All the likes, ever. Even if you did get no prime Gabe Kaplan domination viewing.

 

 

I can only hope they are going to cycle back through them all.  Last night they just did the last three.  Maybe they'll start back at the beginning and we'll get:

 

Gabe Kaplan vs. Telly Savalas vs. Robert Conrad!!!!!

 

Obviously, on paper, Robert Conrad would dig Telly Savalas' grave with Gabe Kaplan's spine.

 

BUT THAT'S WHY WE PLAY THE GAME, Tony Kornheiser!!!!

 

that's why we play the game.

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J.H.

J.H.

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I've been after that TBS Programmign achievement forever! I'm hoping to get the tifecta of a Braves game overrun interrupting 2 hours of wrestling followed by Beastmaster and The Osterman Weekend!*

 

*you can swap out The Osterman Weekend with a random airing of Car Wash or The Sons of Katie Elder

James

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piranesi

piranesi

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They're Back!!!!!  ESPN Classic is finally living up to its potential:

 

I don't understand the order of these?  Last night was XV, XVI, and XVII...But tonight starts with XIV and then...?  Are they going to go backward now?Morgan Fairchild cohosts with Cosell.  He is wearing the exact same blue suit jacket as last year.  He has one outfit per sport.  Fairchild, meanwhile, has six costume changes.  She looks like a magnificently confused bird.  Her hair is literally in the same style as Big Bird, at least in front.  The highlights are similar too.An astounding number of early 80s television stars were mustachioed, and I don't just mean Nancy McKeon.Jesus, they are playing Simon Says!!!!!!Catskills comic Lou Goldstein is Simon!!!!  Goldstein is forcing the women to perform sex acts on him to stay in the game.  If you think I am kidding, just funny message board foolin' around?  You are sadly mistaken.  This is happening.  Until he comes across Betty Thomas.  He does not ask Betty Thomas to molest him.  She Thez presses him.  You go, girlfriend.  She is taken out by security her final works "I'll [expletive] in your mouth, Goldstein!!!!  I'll [expletive] your actual mother!!!"Goldstein is surprisingly good at tricking them (or they are profoundly stupid.  But Mr. T is UNBEATABLE.  He understands the need for authority.  He is setting an example for the kids out there.  He has disciplined his mind to control every nuance of his bodies movement.  Betty Thomas tries to tickle Mr. T to distract him.  He is unreachable.  Goldstein calls him out of the game. he refuses to move.  Goldstein is telling him to leave and he will not.  He is staring straight ahead...the thousand yard stare...The End of Days Stare.  He is Ghost Dog.  He is, in his mind, being interrogated by the Viet Cong . Goldstein relents.  Mr. T has DEFEATED the Simon Says system by refusing to acknowledge the reality around him.  He has proven that his mind is stronger than the entire political system.  He is, in his mind, reliving Ali's fight over Vietnam.  He is Kunta Kinte'ing this thing...does that mean "Simon" in Simon Says is Simon LeGree?  Mr. T has brought together history, politics, literature, and celebrity competition in a work of grand performance art.  I am shattered.Heather Locklear actually gives an interview about how she collapsed earlier in the day due to "some dizzyness".  She weighs between 70 and 80 pounds.  She is laughing about this like it is a normal part of her day.  She is the Mr. T of not eating.With Locklear pulled aside to have carrot juice intraveniously administered behind her knee (the only spot on her body that is where a needle will not bend against bone), we are down to Addrian Zhmed, Nancy McKeon, and Mr. T. Goldstein uses his Simon Says powers to take T's jewelry.  T threatens him and he retreats and orders Zhmed to attack Mr. T.  Zhmed convinces T to eat a muffin that he has laced with sleeping drugs.  As always, T falls for this.  With his last breath he peels Zhmed's head like a grape.  Goldstein had not given Zhmed permission to die screaming and he is out. Joe from Facts of Life is your winner.ABC wins the competition so early, that the infamous Tug-of-War is meaningless.  But because they are actually playing for actual money, like, money to take home for themselves!!! NBC and CBS will still do it, because the difference between 2nd and 3rd place is $5000 apiece.  In 1982, there is a recession on, so this all makes total sense to the average viewer that Tom Wopat needs that 5 large, baby.  He's in deep to a fat little man in a white suit.Most of these moustache guys are from, like DALLAS and FALCON CREST, and weird shit that my parents watched.  Hey, Tracy Nelson!!!! That's SQUARE PEGS!!!!!! I had such a crush on her!!!!

 

One of the Tug-O-War teams has Tracy Nelson and Danielle Brisbois on it...combined weight 130 pounds.  The other team has Mr. T and Nancy McKeon..combined weight 743 pounds.  This should be over almost instantly.  HOLY SHIT, MR. T Lost this????  This shit is worked!!!  T has that same look that Brett always had after a loss. 

 

His comment: "I don't make no excuses.  They're the best.  They won.  No excuses.  Although, I probably shouldnt have eaten that cupcake that Face Man gave me just before the contest.  I'm kind of sleepzzzzzzz"

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piranesi

piranesi

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The next one is earlier, but must actually be a few years in...1978?  79? Because we start by recapping the contentious ending of the previous year.  The running storyline turns this into a Wargames style feud between Team Robert Conrad, Team Gabe Kaplan, and Team Telly Savalas.  I know I would want to be on team Savalas, just for the smooth jazz you know is coming out of his trailer and for the laid back orgies he hosts where you don't have to participate, but you can if you want to...no pressure...and no shame...your body is what your body is, friend!  It all feels the same, baby! 

 

Meanwhile I bet Conrad makes you do pull ups and shit...and Gabe Kaplan also hosts orgies.  Gabe Kaplan orgies.[shiver]Damn...we go dark early here as Robert Conrad pulls the all the wrong cards:"Savalas is Greek. He's from a long line of athletes.  Gabe is Jewish.  he wants to arbitrate.  I'm German, I want to kill both of them!"I love cheap heat, too, Bob...but Jesus, this is all a work, you know!  It's for the kids, Bob...for the Kids!Another running story is that the obstacle course features OJ Simpson vs. Bruce Jenner.  If we only knew then!  If only now-Me could go back and take out the man who caused the greatest trauma to us all in the following decades.  Admit it, you would have a hard time choosing too.  You realize that in decades from now, this will be studied by alien cultural historians reconstructing the end of the American Empire?None of this matters, as Kristy McNichol is like 14 years old and is literally flying past everyone.  She Rudy The Rabbit's the shit out of this thing.  Later generations who learn from this will always have a Michael J. Fox or a Scott Baio or an Emmanuel Lewis on the team for just this event.Jane Seymour!!!!!!! Game, Set Match....They show her falling in the obstacle course in super slo-mo.  There is lierally nothing she can do that she does not look breathtaking doing.  She says, "After this, I think I'd like to become a sportsman!"  Sportsman!!!! That probably means, like Fox hunting and squash to her...OH, My God, how much do I love her!!!Kristy MicNichol!  She was on, like, every teen magazine I ever saw back then.  The guy who played Grizzly Adams!  Barney Miller!  Washington from the Sweat Hogs!!!!!  This is stacked.  Bald Bombshell called it. This is so much better tha the 80s casts.  Mike Farrell????  Sonny MOTHERFUCKING BONO!!!!! this is frighteningly awesome.Dunk tank toss.  Hal Linden is the first dunk victim.  He is going full speedo like Marc Singer from last night but his package is sad in comparison.  Abe Vigoda's head appears in a Garrett Morris style circle.  He mocks Hal Linden's manhood. That seems a little much.  No one else is treated like this.  They give up on the baseball tossing altogether and decide the contest based on overall scrote weight, determined by water displacement.  Sonny Bono takes it.  Who knew? (Cher, I guess?).KURT RUSSELL IS IN THIS SHIT?????? For what? Something called THE QUEST, which is apparently like an epsisodic version of THE SEARCHERS, which is a terrifying thought.Penny Marshall is doing the driving range.  Her hsuband Rob Reiner screams "Don't embarass the family!"  Seriously, Rob Reiner?  You are saying those words?  I wonder why we can't have Carl Reiner vs. Gary Marshall in a who's socks are higher battle?Jane Seymour is in something called SEVENTH AVENUE at this point.  She is so fucking beautiful.  Emma Samms, the second most beautiful woman in the world, is a piece of crap in comparison. I know that's cruel.  But beauty is exponential.Levar Burton, Loretta Switt, Linda Lavin??  There were giants then.  Leading to the commercial breaks they do this great Laff-A-Lympics thing where they have the cartoon heads of Kaplan, Conrad, and Savalas, smiling or crying based on who is winning.  What a world!  Now it gets real as we do the football thing.  Conrad is chewing glass.  he is all muscle and anger and I'm pretty sure he wants to reach through the t.v. and slap me in the face for not painting the garage.  Fuck you, Robert Conrad/Dad!  I Like Books and Comics and Video Games...DEAL WITH IT!!!!!Damn, I let a little too much out there.  BAT of the NET STARS brings these things to the surface.  Somehow the connection of Gabe Kaplan to Penny Marshall is unstoppable, though, and the Jewish Football dominance that we all remember from the late 70s is in full effect.  Conrad is burning copies of The Diary of Anne Frank.  Come on, Robert!  It's a Fucking Game!!!!!Tug-O-War is once again Team-Conrad vs. Team-Kaplan.  It goes on forever.  This is about more than the 20 grand.  This is about everything in human history.  Kaplan is tryign to pull out Conrad's arms.  Conrad is screaming SCHELL JUDEN!!!! SCHNELL!!  It is a terrifying display of what is buried deep inside men.  It is the beginning of 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY.  We are animals.McNichol is in tears.  This is not for children.  We are revisiting the darkest corners of our history.  She doesn't realize.  How could she?  She should have been protected from this.  We all should have been protected from this.The tape moves first toward Kaplan.  Minutes later, it drifts back.  Conrad is exhasuted.  He is bleeding.  I've never seen anything like this.  The crowd is chanting "Please End This" "I am Scared" and "We are not enjoying this!"  Kaplan is weeping tears of blood.  He is communing with the dead.  A young Quentin Tarantino watches at home and begins to write a story.  He calls it "The Basterds."  Film history is set in motion yet again.Five minutes in, Kurt Russel is convulsing now.  Telly Savalas is in his trailer ordering Chinese takeout, "Battle of Where?  Are we in Reno?  let me sing you a little song, baby..."  At least someone in this has retained their sanity.The tape slowly drifts back toward Kaplan.  Ron Howard is drenched in sweat.  He looks so scared.  I feel for him, but I can't help him.  I have to look out for myself, kid.   Conrad has wrapped his legs around the rope.  He is praying in a tongue I do not recognize.  This is astounding.  Kaplan is giving up. He is in so much pain.  If you've never seen this, you have to find it on Youtube.  You can see his eyes die.  You can see the ghosts of his people release him from his struggle.  Kaplan's team is dead weight now.  The only question is does Kurt Russell, the only one still conscious, have enough strength left to pull their limp bodies forward on his own?Oh, God!  Conrad has won!!!!!  Dear God!  The crowd is throwing bottles.  Kaplan's corpse is carried off the sand by Rob Reiner who eerily is heard murmuring "waste not, want not."I can't go on.  There are more on tonight, but I'll have to DVR them for later.  I have so much to process.  Too much has been forced up from this.  Goddamn you, Network Stars!!!!!!

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Eivion

Eivion

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I think Person of Interest is the most underrated1 show on tv right now

 

1I say underrated because I don't know anyone else that watches it and have rarely seen it discussed elsewhere

Its odd people here watch it, but we rarely talk about it. I do recall it having generally favorable mentions here.

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pipGofern

pipGofern

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Found this clip where CBS had Lou Ferrigno in the tug of war. How is that fair? To Lou's credit, he gave the ABC team enough to lose with dignity. 

 

I'm pretty sure I watched the same clip. ABC deserved to lose just out of utter stupidity. I don't know how they picked the teams (Cosell said something about each team having to field one woman) but ABC fields beanpole Billy Crystal, effeminate teenage Scott Baio, and Dick Van Patten, who legit looked like he was ready to stroke out?  You are right about Lou being a nice guy because I'm pretty sure he could've jerked the whole team into the drink 20 seconds in.

 

Oh and speaking of the mandatory female teammate, CBS had Daisy Duke and damn if she still didn't look smokin' in those 70s era granny shorts woman had to wear on family friendly TV. Hey, Piranesi had his Emma Samms and Jane Seymour (Anglofetish?), I had Catherine Bach and Lynda Carter.

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Burgundy LaRue

Burgundy LaRue

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Found this clip where CBS had Lou Ferrigno in the tug of war. How is that fair? To Lou's credit, he gave the ABC team enough to lose with dignity. 

 

Even without Ferrigno, CBS would have won.  ABC had Robert Urich and Richard Hatch as the anchor was decent, but the middle of their team was too sad to overcome.  Gary Sandy and Patrick Duffy canceled out Urich/Hatch, a pre-crash and burn Garrett was the teen Idol to support over weakling Baio and Bach was more coordinated than Richardson.  Dick Van Patten was old even then--who thought putting him on the team was a good idea?  All CBS needed was another guy with average reflexes and they still would have bested ABC.  What a pitiful team

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