Just Dave Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 @Cliff, about 5 yrs. ago I was in an incredibly unhealthy relationship with a girl not that dissimilar from what it sounds like you're with. I dated this girl for a little over two yrs because i was scared to be alone and because i was afraid i wouldn't do better. Im not saying thats true with you, but if it is, please know that you're never going to outrun insecurity by trying to look for external solutions. You gotta know how awesome you are before convincing someone else you are. I hit the gym, lost a bunch of weight, got a new job, not because i was afraid no girl would find me unattractive, but because i didnt like me. When I'd taken care of myself, the rest took care of itself... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tabe Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 I'll talk to her about it, but I don't know if it's a good idea. She has alienated basically all my friends by repeatedly talking shit to A about B behind B's back (including one case where A and B were married). She's threatened to steal my house key to clean my apartment while hers remains toxic (I can't spend more than 30 minutes there because of the odor of cat pee and Febreeze, and she won't even open the door to her bedroom when I'm there.) She has made it clear that her shitty eating and exercise habits are non-negotiable but gets excited when I say I'm going to the gym, and has noticed that I've added a few pounds of pudgy because we have deep fried carbs with nearly every meal. My therapist thinks shes bad for me. The things I love about her are there, but the experience of dating her isn't one of them. I think that I have to invoke the "love you but not in love with you" cliche. The speed with which she wants to escalate is kind of the final straw, but by no means the sole reason I want to break up. I'll talk to her about the changes I would require, but I think even that amounts to a breakup.Don't bother with the list of changes. This is not the woman for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cliff Hanger Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 yeah, that went poorly, and it's my fault. I started by explaining that I was uncomfortable with the speed at which we were proceeding. She asked why, I gave examples, she gave counter-examples ("I would go to Dragoncon even if you weren't, because friends have been begging me to go for years.") I started to stumble, explaining that I just wasn't as grown up as I thought I was, and I was terrified of real commitment. I said "I have to hide" twice. She said "maybe we should go on a break" with the kind of finality reserved for a funeral. She then offered repeatedly to drive me home (legally blind, remember). I refused twice, acquiesced on the third. We rode in silence, she turned off the music when a song we'd bonded over ("Like a Friend" by Pulp) came on the radio. I started babbling, talking about how I thought she can really change the field of computer science and make it more woman-friendly, and whether we come out of the break together or not, I wanted her to be a crusader. Dead silence. She dropped me off, and I said "Thank you for everything. I'm sorry." I spent two hours on the phone with my dad and my best friend and drank a whole bottle of wine. I feel like I made the only possible choice. I also feel like a terrible person who broke a young girl's heart three days after her best Valentine's day ever (by her claims). Right now, I would punch a baby to have my 20s back, to make all those stupid bullshit mistakes and hard choices then so that even if they weren't "easy" at this point in my life, I wouldn't have been in terra nova after a month of neither of us melting down. I feel like since my infamous(?) Halloween 2013, I've done a lot better about not oversharing my trivial awkward bullshit around here. Today I kind of had to, and I'm sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cliff Hanger Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 One of my bosses passed away today. He'd been fighting leukemia for awhile and got out of the hospital not too long ago. It looked like he was close to beating it. We didn't hang out much but I'm close with his fiancée. It's hitting me harder than I thought it would, probably because he died so young and it was sudden. I was just asking about him on Saturday night. Gonna have a few drinks tonight in his honor. RIP CT. It was an honor to have known and worked for you. Fuck cancer. My condolences in your time of loss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lazlo Woodbine Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 Turns out I'm allergic to everything. Or rather, allergic to methylchloroisothiazolinone, potassium dichromate, nickel and cobalt. Looking at product labels around the house, that covers pretty much everything. Fuck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Victator Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 So I am kind of an arrested development case--strict religious upbringing, depression disorder and near blindness created a pretty hardcore basement dweller who made it to his mid 30s without ever having a significant romantic relationship, or "growing up" in a lot of other ways before turning things around some in the past 2 years. Last December I started dating a significantly younger woman (37 vs 25) who had chased me pretty hard as soon as I broke things off with the more casual partner I was feeling guilty about last fall. At first, she felt like a perfect match--similar hobbies, musical tastes, politics and world outlooks--but she is moving the ball way too fast down the field. When her lease expires in April, she's moving to my neck of south Austin to rent a house. The implication was clear, but she made it explicit last week when she said I needed shelves for my action figures "but we'll have them when you move in with me in the fall." Fifteen minutes later, before she left for a week away, she said she loved me. I said I loved her too, and I think I do, but not the way I need to to be a partner to someone whose own social awkwardness rivals my own and is alienating my friends, and who bought vacation tickets six months in advance as a surprise after 6 weeks of dating. So tonight, I get to break the heart of someone who didn't do anything but love me, who was genuinely excited at the prospect of making me an Ant-Man helmet for con season, who makes more a year than I do in four. I'm going to go be the asshole and say no, there's nothing she can do to change my mind. I am the bad guy here, there's no way round it. But we both deserve someone we can't imagine living without, not someone we can't imagine living WITH. And then I will be getting fucking drunk on a Tuesday. I would keep her, some day you will wish you had. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bustronaut Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 All due respect to Vic, but don't follow his advice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cliff Hanger Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 We are officially on a break. I talked for two hours to two of my 3 best friends in Austin, a married couple who didn't like her. They asked me four times if I was sure I wasn't just dropping her because she doesn't get along with my female friends. And I'm not sure. I don't know if I'm lying to myself about that, I don't know if I'm just scared because I'd never slept with the same person more than twice and freaking out over the prospect of a LTR, or if all the little things really ARE adding up, or if I'm just being a huge asshole because I want to go out and find women to play with who are closer to my physical ideal. Today I guess none of that matters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JRGoldman Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 Cliff, I think it's telling that after having this conversation and "going on a break", you are feeling more introspective about your own issues than you are regretful about your decisions over the past few days. Ultimately, a relationship boils down to feeling good enough about yourself to put another person first a lot of the time, and it doesn't sound like that's something you are sure you can do right now. Which is perfectly okay! From everything that you have said thus far, her behavior doesn't seem to help you feel good, even though it is probably coming from a place of love on her part. You seem to have a pretty good handle on yourself and your needs right now, so I would listen to your instincts. Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk or get anything off your chest. Sometimes it can be good to just blather on to someone that doesn't have a vested interest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tabe Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 We are officially on a break. I talked for two hours to two of my 3 best friends in Austin, a married couple who didn't like her. They asked me four times if I was sure I wasn't just dropping her because she doesn't get along with my female friends. And I'm not sure. I don't know if I'm lying to myself about that, I don't know if I'm just scared because I'd never slept with the same person more than twice and freaking out over the prospect of a LTR, or if all the little things really ARE adding up, or if I'm just being a huge asshole because I want to go out and find women to play with who are closer to my physical ideal. Today I guess none of that matters.Dude, we're talking about a woman whose place you can't stand to be in for more than 30 minutes because she doesn't properly take care of her cats. This was not the woman for you. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OSJ Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Folks: This is for everybody, not just poor Cliff. If the person you are contemplating being in a LTR with requires changes to satisfy you or that you change to satisfy them, keep walking this is not the person that you are looking for. People don't change fundamental things about themselves to make others feel better, they change because they have an overwhelming desire to do so. If you're not wiling to accept them warts and all for who they are, move along, you will just by guaranteeing misery for at least the two of you and probably a lot more folks before all is said and done. Is Mrss. OSJ perfect? No, she has some habits I don't like. I can't understand dropping $100 in a slot machine or sitting there for six to ten hours. She can't imagine (well, she can, as she's seen me do it often enough) drop over $100 on a book that I want to read that's readily available on Kindle or in paperback for a fraction of the cost. You accept the small things because they DON'T MATTER. A woman not taking care if her cats is to me unacceptably selfish, she wants their company but won't do fuck all to provide basic care. Screw her. CH: I've read enough of your posts to know that SF fandom is one of your things. Cons a great way to meet lots of people, however, and here's where I piss off a lot of folks. Fans are a funny bunch, I'm in my 50s and emotionally in my 20s, I know that I'm far, far from alone. Fandom tends to draw the slightly to horrifically broken people, know in advance that anyone you meet through his sort of venue my well have some "issues". Are those "issues" things that you can overlook? Therein lies the big question... 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jumbojustice Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Dude, we're talking about a woman whose place you can't stand to be in for more than 30 minutes because she doesn't properly take care of her cats. This was not the woman for you. Also, if these sorts of things are bothering you while you're just dating the person, imagine how much worse it would be if you were living together. It sounds to me like you're making the right move. It sucks, but if you already have these sorts of serious doubts, it's a lot easier (and more fair to the person) to get out now rather than waiting until your relationship is more advanced. Her being manipulative to and not respecting your friends is, to me, a major warning sign. That sort of thing isn't likely to change. And I wouldn't put too much blame on yourself. As much as our culture romanticizes love, just loving someone isn't enough to make a long term relationship work. You also need compatibility on the more mundane aspects of your lives and personalities. Especially if you want to happily co-exist after that "new relationship glow" has worn off a bit, and you have to get down to the nuts-and-bolts of actually living together. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bustronaut Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Honestly Cliff seeing what was going on and deciding to end it sounds a lot more mature than a lot of relationships I've been around. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robert C Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Been sick for a damn week now. Also managed to pass it to my wife and 6 week old son, though thankfully he seems to recovering faster than his folks. Now I've also got a raging ear infection, to the point where I can't hear out of my left ear at all. Added injury to insult by hurting my ribs turning as far to my right as possible to sneeze while holding my son in my left arm. So all in all, I'd like to send a giant fuck you to people that feel the need to come to work sick. Thanks for sharing asshole. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrianS81177 Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 In addition to my dad going through chemo, my mom had a small stroke yesterday. 2015 is not off to a great start. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patrick B. Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 In my case, I probably need someone to change me and kick my butt into gear to clean up the house and yard...heh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hammerva Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 I know this goes into the 'GET OUT OF MY LAWN' mindset but in this area some of the counties have closed school for the day because it is cold (not snowing or raining just cold) pisses me off/makes me extremely jealous. The argument is that there is no central heating in these schools. I live in Fairfax County VA which is way too expensive cost of living. How do you get schools without heating. Were these buildings created in 1940 without maintenance? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brysynner Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 I'm just a little bit north of you in Charles County, MD and my son just had a 2hr delay. Which I get the delay, if you start school later it might be warmer for kids who wait for the bus 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 So Peyton Manning is the keynote speaker at our annual conference in Vegas, only his people have been sitting on the contract for weeks and now we're almost a month behind on mailing out the brochure to promote him. Cue the "slow white Bronco" jokes. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt D Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 We had a 2 hour delay in Howard County, MD, but apparently the bus arrived 25 minutes late on top of that so instead of standing outside for 3 minutes minute in 3 degree weather, my middle schooler got to stand outside for 25 minutes in 10 degree weather. On the other hand, he's been talking back a lot lately. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cliff Hanger Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Just popping in to offer massive thanks to everyone for their kind words, advice, support and offers to chat. I am doing way better today after having a short exchange with Kass yesterday (she thought she had left her iPad at my place). She has business trips each of the next 3 weeks, so we are waiting til she returns for one more sit down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Victator Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 I am homeless, apt above mine burnt down. I am grateful nobody was hurt and my belongings are safe. But I lived there was for ten years and built up a lot of memories. It sucks to have your life shaken up because some pill popper decided to cook while being doped up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Burgundy LaRue Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 So Peyton Manning is the keynote speaker at our annual conference in Vegas, only his people have been sitting on the contract for weeks and now we're almost a month behind on mailing out the brochure to promote him. Cue the "slow white Bronco" jokes. In the same room as Peyton? Hate you so much right now. Signed, The Colts Fan on This Board (it should be me!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Fresh Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 I am homeless, apt above mine burnt down. I am grateful nobody was hurt and my belongings are safe. But I lived there was for ten years and built up a lot of memories. It sucks to have your life shaken up because some pill popper decided to cook while being doped up. Jesus, man. Sorry to hear that. That's awful. Will you get to move back in after they fix everything up, or are you forced to leave permanently? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hammerva Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 can someone tell why everyone (at least everyone on Twitter) is talking about the color of a freaking dress? I mean it is a dress with no importance what so ever. COME ON PEOPLE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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