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2014 MOVIE OMNIBUS THREAD


RIPPA

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For me, anyways, Bay's over-the-top style overcomes most scripts, good or bad.  There are large chunks of his Transformers movies where literally the only thing

 

I suddenly care more about 'Random Doomed Dog in the Background' than I do about anyone else in Mr. Nanny.

 

Well, even though he didn't have lines... or screen time.... or anything else, really, the dog is still the best character in the movie.

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Well, if you want my opinion on Michael Bay movies, the thing you have to really consider is the way that situations

 

I suddenly care more about 'Random Doomed Dog in the Background' than I do about anyone else in Mr. Nanny.

 

Whereas nobody cares if the dog made it off the boat or not in the Usual Suspects.

 

EDIT: I put boar and not boat. That would be a different movie entirely.

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That reminds me of when I saw Mr. Nanny as a kid. I think, if I recall this correctly, that we rented that and 3 Ninjas (or a sequel of it) to watch with my cousins. Somehow I managed to rent Sorority House Massacre 2 as well and I don't remember whether I just watched it with the older one after the younger went to sleep, or if I just saved it for myself so as to not get in trouble later. 

 

There was also the time my folks went to Vegas for a week and I had the whole time to myself in my grandfolks' attic with a TV and VCR. I rented Two Thousand Maniacs, Basket Case, Evil Spawn, like three others... same video store I bought my first Motorhead, Napalm Death, and Sodom records at.

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I don't actually think Bay is an Ed Wood-levels of inept director. Like many have claimed. You can give him a good script and he can work with it. Problem is, he usually gets stuck with abysmal scripts and he can't get past it.

 

He's actually a pretty fascinating director.  In some ways, he's really as much of an auteur as just about anyone working today.  There are very few directors working today whom you can see a frame or two of their movie and go "that's a (Guillermo Del Toro, Wes Anderson, Lars Von Trier are the only others who come immediately to mind) film!" as much as Michael Bay.  In the Oral History of MTV book I read a while back, Tarsem Singh talked about how when he was in film school they were charged with making a music video and you've got this class full of hipster film students and they're all doing like Leonard Cohen etc. and being all film school-y and he said Michael Bay (who was also in his class) set his to Berlin's 'Take My Breath Away' and had all these gorgeous women in it and Singh said you "could tell that it just spoke right to his fucking' soul".

 

That said, I also think he badly needs an editor to step in and go "There's no way that Transformers needs to be almost 3 hours, lose some shit!" and some of his stuff is borderline unwatchable ('Transformers 2'!).  But I do find him fascinating.

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I don't actually think Bay is an Ed Wood-levels of inept director. Like many have claimed. You can give him a good script and he can work with it. Problem is, he usually gets stuck with abysmal scripts and he can't get past it.

 

He's actually a pretty fascinating director.  In some ways, he's really as much of an auteur as just about anyone working today.  There are very few directors working today whom you can see a frame or two of their movie and go "that's a (Guillermo Del Toro, Wes Anderson, Lars Von Trier are the only others who come immediately to mind) film!" as much as Michael Bay.  In the Oral History of MTV book I read a while back, Tarsem Singh talked about how when he was in film school they were charged with making a music video and you've got this class full of hipster film students and they're all doing like Leonard Cohen etc. and being all film school-y and he said Michael Bay (who was also in his class) set his to Berlin's 'Take My Breath Away' and had all these gorgeous women in it and Singh said you "could tell that it just spoke right to his fucking' soul".

 

That said, I also think he badly needs an editor to step in and go "There's no way that Transformers needs to be almost 3 hours, lose some shit!" and some of his stuff is borderline unwatchable ('Transformers 2'!).  But I do find him fascinating.

 

 

I think the things that bug me about Bay are just too much to overcome.

 

1) His action sequences have a really poor sense of place which disorients the audience and not in a good way.

2) The seizure inducing shaky hand camera shots.

3) Over reliance on big explosions

4) Too much sophomoric humor.

 

Pain and Gain was his idea of an "ambitious art house film." It was even at odds with itself to the point that it skewers all of these subjects without any real focus.

 

The Rock's performance is maybe the only redeemable thing about the film.

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The thing that gets me about Bay movies is that the camera is never still.  Even in a scene where two people are just talking the camera will be zooming and spinning.  It's headache inducing after a while.

 

The length on Transformers 3 might have not been all his fault.  A major portion of the fianacing came from Mainland China and that audience feels cheapened out with shorter movies.  It's pretty rare for a Mainland production to be under 2+ hours.

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I don't mind most Bay movies. I never watched anything Transformers so the first two movies were acceptable enough popcorn blockbusters. I love the Bad Boys movies. The Rock, Armageddon. I owned all of those on DVD at one time or another. I'm in no big hurry to see the next Transformers movie but that has more to do with me not really giving a shit about Transformers. I am very excited for the Turtles movie though. If he was as bad as people make him out to be and if his movies were "unwatchable" I don't think he would be the 8th highest grossing director of all time. 

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I'm a bit mad at Bay because the absurd shape he got in for Pain & Gain is probably the reason Rock's going to explode one day.

 

Maybe even before our eyes. Like, he'll be cutting a promo on Cena then just, like, explode.

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Its hard to believe that guy used to be pretty flabby and even dare I say "small" compared to others in his profession. Now I can't think of anyone "in this business" as Paul would say that is more jacked. He's bigger than HHH was in 2002 and dare I say he's bigger than Warrior and Hogan even at their peak or he certainly comes across as that huge. Maybe he wouldn't look so big standing next to guys "his own size". Seems like just yesterday he was getting surgery on his fatty pecs. 

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I can't wait for Rock's version of a Lance Armstrong/Oprah interview.

 

"Did you take steroids for movie roles, Rock?"

 

"FUCK, YEAH. AND I AIN'T EVEN ASHAMED!"

 

He proceeds to Rock Bottom Oprah. 

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I can't wait for Rock's version of a Lance Armstrong/Oprah interview.

 

"Did you take steroids for movie roles, Rock?"

 

 

"Do you use that stairmaster in your living room to store the overload from your walk-in Cheetos pantry?  IFYASMEELLLOELELELFLFLFFJEOJGOJGOJGLMLGLG

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So I was thinking about my favorite movie villains the other day and I realized I'm more disgusted by the parents in The Parent Trap and Uncle Frank in Home Alone than I am by Hannibal Lecter or Darth Vader.

 

HOW CAN YOU NOT TELL YOUR TWIN DAUGHTERS OF EACH OTHER'S EXISTENCE? WHY ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE YOU DESERVE A HAPPY ENDING WHEN YOU'RE BOTH HIDEOUS PEOPLE?

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Kevin's whole family is so fucking shit in Home Alone, that you sympathize with him becoming a deranged psychopathic trap-master. 

 

You know Kevin McAllister grew up to be Jigsaw.

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See, I've always assumed the last few years that Kevin's dad 

Petermccallister.gif

 

grew up to be Vivid CEO/pornographer (the guy behind the Tommy Lee/Pamela Anderson video sales) Steven Hirsch

stevendesk.jpg

 

Then, everything kinda makes sense.

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Kevin's whole family is so fucking shit in Home Alone, that you sympathize with him becoming a deranged psychopathic trap-master. 

 

You know Kevin McAllister grew up to be Jigsaw.

 

Kevin's parents lost all sympathy for me when they let Uncle Frank talk to their kid like that. It's the most uncomfortable part of the film because it's actual psychological abuse.

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Now I feel like we should have gotten an alternative ending where Kevin teamed with Harry and Marv and they all got together to rob the house and murder the family when they returned.

"Rob Zombie presents: Home Alone"

Sheri Moon Zombie as Kevin's Mom:

"Why don't you ask fucking Santa Claus for a new goddamn family?" *high-pitched baby squealing laugh*

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