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NOV 2017 WRESTLING DISCUSSION

RIPPA

By RIPPA
in The PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING

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cwoy2j

cwoy2j

Posted
Posted
10 minutes ago, Victator said:

Sir I will tell you what I told the gentleman at the Peninsula hotel, no means no. 

You shouldn't have been wearing that dress

 

Quote

The SmarK Rant for "ECW" December To Dismember

 

- Live from Augusta, GA

 

- Your hosts are Joey Styles & Tazz

 

MNM v. The Hardy Boyz

 

I wonder how much it was killing Tazz to talk about "Team Extreme" with regards to Matt and Jeff?  Joey guarantees that it's a one night only reunion, for both teams.  Well, that's good, because I know this is a company that lives up to stipulations and keeps its promises!  Matt grabs a headlock on Mercury to start, and they do a stalemate sequence that leads to a STAREDOWN.  Oh, they mean business now.  Matt works on the arm and trades off with Jeff, but Mercury escapes and brings Nitro in instead.  Jeff slingshots in with a dropkick on him that gets two, and it's more double-teaming from the Hardyz.  They add a double wheelbarrow suplex for Mercury to get rid of him, and work Nitro over in the corner.  Nitro counters Jeff's jawbreaker by kneeing him in the head, and Jeff gets double-teamed in the MNM corner.  Mercury gets two, and Nitro gets a neckbreaker before missing a standing shooting star press, which brings Matt back in.  Blind charge hits elbow, but Nitro goes up too soon and Matt brings him down with a Splash Mountain for two.  Sadly, Matt's anger issues with women surface again, as he chases Melina and gets clobbered, and he's YOUR pretty boy in peril.  Now there's a sign that he needs more therapy. 

 

Double gutbuster follows,and Nitro adds a running knee in the corner for two.  They draw Jeff in for some ref distraction and a double-team faceplant gets two for Mercury.  They try a double suplex, but Matt reverses to a double neckbreaker, but MNM cuts off the hot tag.  They continue working Matt over, and hit their own Poetry in Motion on him.  Twist of Fate by Mercury is blocked, however, and it's the hot tag to Jeff.  Flying forearm for Mercury and legdrop gets two.  Front suplex on Nitro and it's BONZO GONZO, as Mercury hits the floor and Matt follows with a pescado.  Nitro follows with a nice tope con hilo, and Jeff finishes with a bodypress off the top. Back in, they hit Mercury with Poetry in Motion and the Twist of Fate, but Jeff misses the swanton and splats on the mat, so it's apparently Extended Rock N Roll Express Formula. 

 

Nitro springs in with a dropkick on Jeff that gets two.  They send Jeff into the turnbuckle and Mercury goes to a surfboard, and then they send him into the corner again.  Nitro with the breakdance legdrop for two, and he dumps Jeff for some abuse from Melina.  Back in, double legdrops from MNM get two, as Mercury works the count.  Always a wise move.  A variation on Demolition Decapitation gets two for Nitro.  Jeff tries a sunset flip, but Nitro makes the blind tag and Mercury saves.  He goes to the chinlock and rolls up Jeff for two, but the kickout puts him on the floor.  This would seem to be an ideal time to tag, but Mercury smartly scoots over and gets Matt involved in a brawl, while Nitro drags the groggy Jeff back to the heel corner again.  These are guys who obviously watched a lot of NWA wrestling in their youth.  Finally Jeff comes back with the Whisper in the Wind in the corner to take out both of MNM, and it's hot tag to Matt.

 

Matt slugs the heels down and gets the corner clothesline / bulldog combo, into the Side Effect on Mercury, and another one for Nitro.  That gets two.  Yodeling legdrop gets two.  They set up for a top rope powerbomb on Nitro, but Mercury helps Nitro counter into a rana instead, which gets two.  Nitro goes up, as does Mercury, and soon it's a double superplex spot that leaves Jeff and Nitro alone.  Melina distracts the ref and Jeff is all "Ew, icky, girls," and gets the rollup on Nitro for two.  MNM comes back with the Snapshot on Jeff for two, but Matt saves.  Matt gets tossed and they put Jeff on top for an apparently top rope Snapshot, but Matt brings them both down with a double Diamond Cutter, and Jeff hits them with a swanton to finish Nitro.

 

(The Hardy Boyz d. MNM, Jeff swanton bomb -- pin Nitro, 22:36, ***1/2)  Actually a bit longer than it needed to be, which kind of hurt the momentum a couple of times, but otherwise a tremendous slice of old-school tag teamery. 

 

Matt Striker v. Ballz Mahoney

 

This is under Striker's Rules, which is no eye-gouging, no hair-pulling, no moves off the top rope, and no foul language.  Well, Bill Watts would like the first three, but would get disqualified ten seconds in for the last one.  Striker pounds away to start, and Ballz manages to blow a leapfrog before taking Striker down with a cross armbreaker.  Striker bails, and attacks on the way back in.  Mahoney charges and hits the post, and Striker starts working on the arm, but starts working the wrong one before remembering that we work LEFT in North America.  Of course, he pulls the hair, thus showing his hypocrisy.  EXTREME hypocrisy, because it's ECW.  He keeps working the arm, thus completely taking Ballz out of the only type of match he can work, until Ballz slugs back.  Sideslam gets two.  He goes up and Striker brings him down, then takes him down with a rolling armbar that forces Mahoney into the ropes again.  He makes the comeback and backdrops Striker, and a spinebuster gets the pin? 

 

(Ballz Mahoney d. Matt Striker, spinebuster -- pin, 7:24, 1/2*)  Say what?  That one was totally building to a Striker cheap win, and he does a clean job out of nowhere to a transition move?

 

Meanwhile, someone has attacked Sabu, and he's OUT of the match.  That's a shame.

 

Elijah Burke & Sylvester Terkay v. Little Guido & Tony Mamaluke

 

What kind of a heel is named "Sylvester",unless he's chasing Tweety Birds?  Sometimes a name change is appropriate. And speaking of which, what was the problem with "Nunzio" as a name?  Does anyone care if he's "Guido" or "Nunzio" in the long run except for the hardcore ECW nuts who won't watch this crappy knockoff anyway?   Burke takes Guido down to start, and Guido returns the favor and steals his hat.  Mamaluke rolls up Burke for two and starts on the arm, but Terkay comes in and pounds him with knees in the corner.  He misses a charge and Guido tries a bodypress, but Terkay catches him and casually dumps him to the floor.  Back in, Guido gets worked over in the heel (?) corner and Terkay gives him a high kick, and Burke adds a high knee in the corner into an STO for two.  Hot (?) tag to Mamaluke, who dropkicks Burke and takes Terkay down with a low dropkick.  Double flapjack for Burke gets two.  Burke comes back with The Stroke to finish Mamaluke.  Wow, ripping off Jeff Jarrett, that's EXTREME.  Terkay goes one up on him, using a Muscle Buster to take out Guido afterwards.  Tazz and Joey having to be all "Duh, duh, we don't know who does these famous wrestling moves, duh duh" was really sad and insulting. 

 

(Burke & Terkay d. The FBI, Burke forward legsweep -- pin Mamaluke, 6:41, 1/4*)  This was not only boring and filled with Terkay blowing simple spots, but didn't even fulfill the basic idea of the match, which was to get Burke & Terkay over by squashing dramatically smaller opponents. 

 

Daivari v. Tommy Dreamer

 

Daivari bails right away and hides behind Khali, then sneaks in and attacks Dreamer.  Dreamer gets a hiptoss and Daivari runs away again.  Back in, Daivari gets a dropkick and then follows with a baseball slide, but Dreamer whips him into the railing.  Khali gets a cheapshot to turn the tide, and the ref sends him back to the dressing room.  Oh man, referee's instructions are EXTREME.  Oh no, he might disqualify Daivari!  Oh woe is me!  Back in, Daivari goes to an EXTREME chinlock.  Boy, is this show ever false advertising.  Tommy fights out, but Daivari gets a sleeper, which Tommy valiantly fights out of and slugs away.  Inverted DDT gets two.  Dreamer charges and hits elbow, which allows Daivari to go up and miss a bodypress by a mile.  Tommy hangs him in the Tree of Woe and dropkicks him.  Wow, so extreme.  Daivari gets an EXTREME rollup to finish out of nowhere. God, the finishes tonight are just awful. 

 

(Daivari d. Tommy Dreamer, rollup -- pin, 7:23, 1/2*)  Stupid and pointless, and totally lacking in drama. 

 

- Afterwards, Khali gives Dreamer a chokeslam on the ramp, which the announcers sell like he's dead or something and give us a million replays of.  Yeah, OK, no one cares, next.

 

 

Meanwhile, Paul Heyman offers Bob Holly the last spot in the main event.  You can actually hear the groans from the crowd. 

 

Mike Knox & Kelly Kelly v. Kevin Thorn & Ariel

 

Oh, here comes that sinking feeling again.  Thorn pounds away on Knox to start as the crowd has no idea who to cheer for, and Knox comes back with a clothesline and also pounds away on Thorn.  Thorn gets his own clothesline.  OK, so now we're even.  Tazz and Joey are already giving up on the match and babbling about whatever comes to their mind as Knox slams Thorn for two.  Big boot gets two.  Well, he's no Test.  He goes to a neck vice and facelock as Tazz and Joey are so bored that they talk about how tough Tommy Dreamer is, as though anyone cares or will remember after this show.  Thorn tags Ariel in, so Knox has to tag Kelly in.  Fans are excited until they actually have to WRESTLE, at which point it becomes apparent that Kelly is the worst wrestler in recorded history.  I mean, really, REALLY bad.  Ariel chokes her in the corner and she can't even pretend to be choked properly, and doesn't know when to sell shots from Ariel.  She fights over to tag Knox, but he walks away from the match.  And ECW, as he was fired soon after this.  Well, I guess she got the last laugh on that one.  However, the true suffering is mine, as I have to watch Kelly work the rest of the match. 

 

(Thorn & Ariel d. Knox & Kelly, Ariel slam -- pin Kelly, 7:41, -**)  Hey, our first negative star match of the night!  I was waiting for that.  Sandman attacks Thorn afterwards to set up another feud that went nowhere and no one cares about.  I always love when they put time-wasting shitty matches on PPV to set up shitty matches that will get paid off on free TV. 

 

- Well, we're all out of midcard matches to fill time with and only 90 minutes into the show, so here's Paul Heyman to waste more time.

 

ECW World title / EXTREME Elimination Chamber:  Big Show v. Rob Van Dam v. Bob Holly v. Test v. Lashley v. CM Punk

 

So we start with RVD v. Holly, and Rob clotheslines him before walking into one of Holly's. Rob slugs away, but gets whipped onto the STEEL walkway, where he does the Spider-Man spot by clinging onto the chains, before missing a dive at Holly and clotheslining himself on the ropes.  Holly sends him into the chains and goes up, as though anyone would expect him to hit a splash onto the steel like that.  And indeed, Rob gets his foot up in the spot I hate so much.  Rob follows with a nice Rolling Thunder over the top and onto the steel, but Holly suplexes him back into the ring.  That gets two.  Holly gets the dropkick for two, but CM Punk is the next guy into the ring.  He springboards in with a clothesline on RVD to wake up the crowd, but Rob hits him with the chair and monkey-flips him onto it.  Punk ducks a spinkick and legdrops RVD onto the chair, albeit in an awkward spot.  He puts the chair in the corner and sends Rob into it, but goes after Holly and gets sent into the chains outside.  That gets two for Holly.  Back in, sideslam gets two for Holly. Holly suplexes Punk on the top rope and turns his attention back to RVD, but then superplexes Punk, which allows RVD to sneak in and get two.  And Holly gets two as well.  Punk isn't exactly getting much offense here. 

 

Next into the trainwreck:  Test and his crowbar.  Punk takes more abuse as a result and Test works on Rob's cut with it, but Rob keeps fighting.  He superkicks Holly and gives Test an EXTREMEly protected chairshot, then dropkicks the chair at Punk, who is looking like the extreme jobber.  Frog splash gets rid of Punk, and the crowd is PISSED.  Test boots Holly for two, but Holly disappears so I guess that was a pin.   Rob hits Test with a dropkick and goes up on top of Big Show's pod, which allows Test to hit him with a chair and bring him down the hard way.  Test also goes up onto the pod and drops an elbow to finish Rob at 13:58.  And if you thought the crowd was pissed before, that's nothing.  Who booked this crap?  I guess the idea is supposed to be Lashley fighting against all odds against Heyman's goons, but C'MON. 

 

Next up, it's Lashley and his table, but Heyman's hired goons prevent him from coming in.  Fine by me.    Lashley comes in via the top of the pod and goes after Test, and he's a house of fire!  He whips Test into the pods, but Test comes back with the choke in the corner.  Lashley boots a chair back at him and throws his dizzying array of clotheslines, then grabs a crowbar.  Uh oh, black guy with a crowbar.  Spear finishes at 19:46, and we're left with everyone standing around while we wait for Show's pod to open.  Why even wait for the rest of the minute?  It's not like it's some big shock who's coming out last. 

 

And yes, Big Show is the last guy out, and he's got a barbed wire baseball bat.  Lashley blocks the BAT OF RAGE with a chair, but Show gets his bat caught in the chains and loses it.  Lashley sends him through the pod's "glass" and Show starts bleeding, but he tosses Lashley back into the ring to take over.  Clothesline and AAAAAAAAAAAAHchokeslam, but Lashley reverses into the DDT.  They slug it out and Show misses a charge, and Lashley spears him for the pin and the title.

 

(Lashley d. Punk/RVD/Holly/Test/Show, spear Show -- pin, 24:47, *1/2)  Show could barely even move out there, and Lashley was never really put in any peril, as all the work was done for him by the other guys.  Even worse, the rest of the match was disorganized and poorly booked, with people that the crowd had no interest in seeing.  This was supposed to be a big deal, but the crowd is so burned out that they barely even pop for it.  And we're done, 2 hours and 15 minutes into a $40 PPV. 

 

The Pulse:

 

Are you kidding me?  It was promoted as a two-match show (literally, because they only planned two matches in advance) and had they both delivered I might have given it a marginal, pity thumbs up, but they couldn't even deliver on the main event, which they had a MONTH to plan out and which was filled with weapons!  ECW used to put on some pretty crappy PPVs back when they were alive, and this show somehow managed to continue that tradition by being EVEN WORSE. 

 

Thumbs way down, but download the Hardyz-MNM match if you get a chance.

 

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cwoy2j

cwoy2j

Posted
Posted
Just now, joseph2112 said:

Any chance for spoiler tags on these novels?

Sure

 

Spoiler

The SmarK Rant for WWE Bad Blood 2003

 

- Man, I got HAMMERED on the Play-Per-View prediction contest over at www.stablewars.com this time around, getting nearly every match wrong to the point where it became a running joke throughout the night up to and including me predicting Nash kicking out of the Pedigree and being wrong about that too.

 

- Live from Whitney Houston, TX.

 

- Your hosts are JR & King. The worst thing about this split-PPV deal is having to listen to them for three hours now without Michael Cole and Tazz to break up the monotony.

 

- Opening match: The Dudley Boyz v. Chris Nowinski & Rodney Mack. Tragedy immediately strikes as Teddy Long stands at ringside as a manager instead of doing color and spewing accusations of haterizing. And aren’t they taking the “Why does D-Von always get the tables” thing from a Bill Simmons column a while back? I seem to remember someone making that joke a while ago. Might have been me, come to think of it. JR expects a very fast-paced, offensive minded intense matchup. And I expect the Canadian dollar to drop to 30 cents US any day now so I can retire on my advance. I don’t think either will happen. Nowinski takes D-Von down to start, but runs afoul of Bubba and gets headlocked. Bubba pounds away in the corner and awkwardly walks into a clothesline from the apron by Mack. He slugs it out with Nowinski and pounds away on both of the oppressed, and then dumps them. Nowinski comes back in and gets double-teamed and splashed by Bubba, which gives D-Von two. Why must D-Von aid in the oppression of his black brethren? They need to bring back the Mean Street Posse to back up Nowinski. A cheapshot from Mack turns the tide and he drops an elbow for two. Mack gets the MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER for two and Nowinski splashes him for two. Flying elbow misses and Bubba gets the hot tag and cleans house with elbows and dumps Mack. Sideslam for Nowinski gets two. Nowinski blocks the Bubbabomb, but walks into a boot and Bubba gets a crossbody for two. Nowinski takes a swing with the mask, but misses. Mack sneaks up with the cobra clutch, but Bubba reverses him to the Whazzup drop, and D-Von seems to have moral issues with getting the tables. Hey, remember when Bubba was going to turn heel and join Chief Morley for about three weeks until they forgot about it? Mack finally gets his mask shot in for the pin at 7:07. Total TV match that had no place on PPV. ** I guess they’re giving up on Mack’s single push already. And here Wade Keller wrote that inspiring article about how he could be challenging Goldberg for the World title after Summerslam.

 

- Round one of the Redneck Triathlon sees a burping contest between Austin and Bischoff. Did they actually write this on paper and think it would be a good idea? They trade pre-recorded burps (complete with mis-timed burp-synching) and Austin wins easily. Nothing like watching one of the all-time greats ease into retirement with dignity.

 

- Winner gets Stacy: Test v. Scott Steiner. Test is actually trying to act charismatic tonight. Maybe he’s high on maple syrup. Speaking of high, Steiner dives at Test and gets the first unintentional comedy spot of the night as he trips on the apron and falls flat on his face to the floor. Back in, elbowdrop and pushups follow (it’s hard to look cool after that miscue, though) and they brawl out again, which Test wins. Test is being all badass arrogant Canadian and stuff. He pounds away in the corner and does his own pushups while hitting on Stacy. He’s a PLAYA. Main Event Sleeper (someone call HHH!) but Steiner fights out and then walks into an elbow. Test goes up but gets caught with a slow-motion overhead suplex (with Steiner barely getting the rotation needed not to drop Test on his head), and Steiner makes the comeback with a powerslam and chops in the corner. Test comes back with the full-nelson slam, but Steiner ducks the big boot and gets the inverted DDT for two. Pumphandle slam gets two for Test. Test stops to show Stacy some Canadian lovin’, but he’s too much man for her and she slaps him away. Big boot gets two on Steiner. He goes for a chair and shoves Stacy away in the process, but hits himself with it and Steiner finishes with the downward spiral at 6:24. I don’t get the point of jobbing Test right after they finally found a storyline that allows him to work all fired up (or lit up, not that I’m making any accusations) and Steiner was his usual useless self. Maybe Test can find a nice Canadian girl to abuse now. *1/2

 

- Meanwhile, Bischoff introduces Austin to a bevy of women for the pie-eating contest. They’re never gonna let him live down the Gold Club thing.

 

- Intercontinental title: Christian v. Booker T. Booker wins a lockup and overpowers Christian, and they criss-cross into a Booker hiptoss and headlock. They work off that and Booker backdrops him for two, and ges the MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER for two. They head out and Booker hits the stairs, and Christian hits the chinlock in the ring. It’s here I notice the two guys in the front row dressed like Winnie the Pooh and Tigger. Man, the celebrity endorsements are really getting sad these days. Christian goes up and lands in a flapjack, and both are out. Booker slugs away and gets a sideslam for two. That’s like the official transition move of this PPV. Sidekick gets two. Christian goes for the Unprettier, but Booker reverses to an inverted DDT for two. Booker’s rollup out of the corner is sloppily reversed by Christian for two. Christian Bottom gets two. Booker suckers him into an inside cradle for two. Christian tries to toss him, but Booker does a nice axe kick onto the top rope, and heads up with a missile dropkick that gets two. Harlem sidekick and Spinarooni set up the axe kick, but Christian ducks out and takes a walk. The ref does the usual “Get back in the ring by 10 or lose the title” deal, and Christian immediately decks Booker with the belt for the intentional DQ to retain at 7:52. Wow, they teased us with one retarded screwjob and then SWERVED us with another retarded screwjob. If I’m Booker, I develop the flu every time they go through Houston. Match had a two minute stretch with some nice stuff, but the rest was mostly a miss. **

 

- The second part of the Triathlon is the “pie-eating contest”, and since they not only can’t book a segment without throwing some juvenile double-entendre into it, but are also incapable of booking a segment without doing a bait-and-switch (visions of a 400-pound woman were dancing in our heads) we get Mae Young as Steve Austin’s hand-picked pie for Bischoff. You’d think they’d realize that the joke got old in 1999 (along with much of the people in the main event now) but just in case we don’t get that Bischoff is an EVIL BASTARD who dared raid the talents of Vince McMahon, Last Independent Spirit In Wrestling, he gets to not only make out with the decrepit old woman, but gets to endure a broncobuster from her as well. Which is apropos, because the entire segment was roughly akin to having…no, sorry, I can’t even use it as a metaphor without throwing up. I mean, really, who besides Vince McMahon can possibly find this entertaining and a better use of 10 minutes than, say, WRESTLING? How would you feel if you’re Ivory and Jazz and the agents were like “Sorry, girls, we had you penciled in for 10 minutes, but it turns out we need the time to do a skit that features Eric Bischoff being forced to perform cunnilingus on a 90-year old woman. But I think we can fit you in if the dwarf-tossing finals go short.” And even worse, although you’d think that two brutally stupid segments that add nothing to the show would be enough to convince the higher-ups that Kevin Dunn is a retard who should skip the middle-man and start producing “One Life to Live” instead of wrestling and thus save everyone the trouble of having his “vision” of what the sport should be forced on an unwilling audience every two months because he gets a bright idea about a worked burping contest on a $35 PPV while sitting on the toilet and reading Soap Opera Digest, there’s still ANOTHER one coming. And speaking of non-wrestling segments…

 

- RAW tag title match: Kane & RVD v. La Resistance. JR, master of unintentional irony, tries to refute the xenophobia of the French team by noting that anyone who doesn’t like America should just go back to their own country. Like rain on your wedding day, indeed. God bless you for giving me material enough for a lifetime, Jimbo. Rene Dupree wins a lockup to start and does some prancing. Note to the kids: Study some tapes of 1988 Rougeau Brothers. It can only help, honest. An intense shoving match between a stoner and a French guy follows (i.e., it’s like a slapfight in a gay pride parade) and RVD gets a quick cradle for two. Some double-teaming allows Dupree to get a DDT for two, as apparently RVD is already your face-in-peril. Punch punch kick kick in the heel corner and Dupree hits the chinlock. You’ll notice (or not, because really who cares?) that Dupree is doing much of the work here for his team. Hot tag to Kane, who unleashes the usual CLOTHESLINES OF DEATH and keeps up the sideslam motif for two. Always good to see the consistency of EVERYONE IN THE PROMOTION using the same move. Flying clothesline gets two. The match breaks down (as though it was ever unbroken to begin with) and Kane no-sells a double-neckbreaker and hits them with…wait for it…another clothesline. Kane brawls out with Grenier and Rob follows with a plancha that grazes Kane by mistake, and somehow this cripples the offensive onslaught of RVD and he falls victim to La Crepe at 5:46 to give the Evil French the belts. Totally heatless mess. Ѕ*

 

- Goldberg v. Chris Jericho. Funny how they have Goldberg, who they’re paying millions for and publicly denounced as disappointing in their conference call for the quarter, and yet they’re still pushing him over people who they DO kinda have faith in because, hey, they MIGHT suddenly figure out how to get him over if they keep pushing him hard enough. That’s WWE logic for ya. I mean, think about it – his entire sum total of use was a match with Steve Austin, and a match with Brock Lesnar. So what’s his first match in? The Rock. They tumble out to start and Jericho hides behind the ref for sanctuary, and then tries a cross-body, which goes badly. Goldberg fights off Jericho’s weak striking offense, and then presses him onto the top rope and kicks him out. He drops him on the railing and then tries a spear through it, but Jericho sidesteps it and Goldberg goes through the unforgiving, cold…uh…foam rubber. Well, it’s the thought that counts. JR is worried about a separated shoulder. Bah, Mel Gibson had TONS of separated shoulders in Lethal Weapon 2, and he STILL kicked that South African diplomat’s ass. Remember, kids: Movies don’t lie! Jericho dropkicks the shoulder and gets two. He stays on it, working right for some reason, perhaps feeling his Mexican roots, and an armbar takedown into a Herb Kunze armbar follows. You know, if they gave a crap about getting submissions over, this might mean something. Goldberg mistimes a kick on a rebounding Jericho to take over, and then shoulderblocks him down with the remaining good shoulder. A Bret Hart special puts Jericho down, but Jericho comes back with another armbar takedown for two. Goldberg takes him down with a judo throw, but Jericho dropkicks him again. Bulldog and Lionsault get two. See, why work on the arm for 10 minutes and then try to finish with a moonsault? Another Lionsault is sort of caught by Goldberg and he slams Jericho to set up another try at the spear. This one works, but he hurts his own shoulder doing it. Jackhammer is countered as Jericho hammers his jacks, and then it’s the Walls of Jericho, which Goldberg powers out of. Another spear sets up the jackhammer for the pin at 10:58. In other news, Jericho turns water into wine tomorrow. *** This was very reminiscent of the basic layout of DDP-Goldberg, down to the selling, but without Goldberg’s enthusiasm for the sport.

 

- Shawn Michaels v. Ric Flair. Strut off to start and Flair grabs a headlock. Flair seems to be free to Whoo tonight. Shawn slugs him down and also Whoos. I give the edge to Flair in the owl impersonation category. They work the mat and Flair makes the ropes and then does an awesome sell of a shot to the jaw, hopping on one leg as if knocked off-balance by it. Back to the ropes again, and Shawn slugs him down again and dumps him. He follows with a pescado and they head back in, where Flair starts chopping. Shawn goes back to the headlock, however, drawing some HARD chops from Flair. Shawn tries to hang with him, but he might as well be French. Flair clips him, way too early given the way a Flair Broomstick Match generally goes, and he works the knee in the corner. He then goes to a figure-four, but eschews the old-school groove by NOT yelling “NOW…WHOOO…WE GO TO SCHOOL!” Must have been cut when they snipped this from 30 minutes to 14. I mean, seriously though, if you’re gonna build this as a nostalgic meeting of two 80s legends, at least give me the traditional spots. Flair chops him down again and keeps working the leg. Shawn comes back with an enzuigiri and they cross lines of communication in the corner, but cover with a slugfest that is won by Shawn. Backdrop, but Shawn runs into an elbow and Flair goes up. You know what happens next. Flair blocks the superkick and goes for the figure-four, but Shawn counters to a small package for two, and his own figure-four. Flair quickly breaks with the old thumb to the eye. Super-weak ref bump and they do a double-reverse rollup sequence that gets two for both. Flair Flip and he goes up again, but gets caught with a clothesline coming down. Time to retire it for good, Ric. They head up and Shawn brings him down with a superplex and heads out to set up a table. That’s so unnecessary. I guess they just didn’t know how to work on their own and needed Johnny Ace’s guidance on how to build a match. Flair ends up going through the table via a flying splash from Shawn, who stops to fight off Randy Orton. Back in, Shawn gets two. Flair uses a rare DOUBLE NUTCRACKER to take out both the ref and Shawn (everyone except the Russian judges give it 6.0), but Shawn makes the comeback with the flying elbow. The superkick is interrupted with a shot to the head from Randy Orton’s Sweet Chair Music, and that gets the pin for Flair at 14:18. The result was completely unimportant – either guy winning wouldn’t matter – since the match was built on the promise of a half-hour classic, more or less. What they delivered was 10 minutes of a **** match and about *1/2 after the table spot, complete with a run-in screwjob finish, so we’ll call it ***. The big point was to hammer home the push of Orton, which is okay.

 

- The redneck triathlon finishes up as they start to do a singing contest, but Bischoff gets tossed into the pigpen to end it because Austin rigged the wheel. Why they are wasting time pushing Austin like this? Entertaining the fans in skits is one thing, but dedicating nearly 30 minutes of a PPV to drive home the Sledgehammer of Plot (AUSTIN AND BISCHOFF ARE ENEMIES) is WCW level stupid.

 

- Heck in a Cell: HHH v. Kevin Nash. For those curious about the mindset of the insane, HHH has told the writers that Hell in a Cell is “his” match at various points. They head out immediately and back in, and Nash slugs him down. And up again. HHH comes back with his own punches, but so does Nash. Ooo, COUNTER WRESTLING. Nash dumps him and they fight by the cage, but HHH goes into the post and gets whipped into the cage. OH MY GOD! IT’S BRUTAL! HORRIBLE! Oh, wait, sorry, I just flipped over to TNN and caught a commercial for “Stripperella” there. HHH takes a backdrop on the floor and they head back in as Slow Motion Theater continues. Nash unleashes the move of the night and gets two. Big Lazy Elbow and then Nash grabs a chair and hits HHH with it. They head out and do what appears to be prison rape in the corner of the cell, complete with homoerotic grunting, and then Nash tosses HHH into the stairs. Nash grabs said stairs and tosses them at him, but it misses and hits the wall of the cell. That normally, with non-crippled wrestlers, would be the signal to leave the cage and climb. Let’s all reflect on Kevin Nash trying to climb the cage and have a good laugh. HHH fights off a powerbomb on the floor and slugs away, and then finds a toolbox under the ring. And then in the true bit of genius, uses the ALUMINUM TRAY to go after Nash before deciding to use the ball peen hammer on the knee instead. HHH seems to have shrinkage issues with his sledgehammer. Back in the ring, Foley steals the hammer and picks a fight with HHH over it. What happened to “I’ll just be there to count”? HHH hammers away as Nash does a GIRLY bladejob. HHH then rubs his HAIR into the CAGE. You BASTARD! The only worthwhile thing on Nash is his head of hair, and you’re DESTROYING IT. JR calls the match cruel and unusual punishment. HHH then ups the ante by using a screwdriver. I bet when HHH called the spot Kevin thought it was time to stop for a drink. We get some indy-level stuff as HHH brutally rams the screwdriver into Nash’s head (with four sets of hands protecting it the whole way) and Nash seems to bleed LESS. Next up, the barbed-wire 2x4 (although not flaming, because I guess HHH didn’t want too many hints being dropped about him and Nash) but the vicious hand of irony slaps back and Nash gets the 2x4 and uses it for no good. HHH does a better job of bleeding and bumps for the piece of wood some more (and Flair was probably sitting in the back thinking that he could get a *** match out of it) as Nash makes the superhero comeback and drops HHH on the 2x4 with Snake Eyes. And then we all stand around. It finally gets two. The stairs come back in again and HHH leaves and hits him with an apple crate. An APPLE CRATE. Why not use a bag of popcorn while you’re at it? HHH finally whips out his sledgehammer, but Foley again sticks his nose in and takes it away. So HHH goes to Plan B by running at Nash with the stairs in a manner only useful for getting taken down, and indeed Nash uses a drop toehold for two. I’m just waiting for someone to pull out a pair of scissors and start running with them so JR can really hammer home the danger involved. HHH chairs both Nash and Foley (and really, can you blame him) and even Foley bleeds. But he retaliates by using the Mandible Sock on HHH (as, in a surreal moment, I have to stop and explain to a newer fan watching with us why this is supposed to work) but a low blow stops that. Nash knocks both of them down with the stairs and covers HHH, but Foley is out of it. He gets up but takes another bump into the cage, the best of the MATCH, and Nash counters a Pedigree into a catapult into the barbed wire to set up the Poochiebomb, which Foley charges into the ring to count a fast…two. All that was missing was Vince Russo adding a baseball bat shot for HHH to kick out of, too. And then, just to really hammer home the point, HHH recovers first and gets the KICK WHAM PEDIGREE after a sledgehammer shot, for the clean pin, with a slow count after one of HHH”s patented “Make the guy lay around for a minute” sells, at 21:01. Hunter and Big Kev are so exhausted that they cuddle, too tired to even 69, and bask in the afterglow. Isn’t that sweet. Evolution runs in for the beatdown on Foley afterwards. Some people were expecting this to be the worst HITC match ever, but really that’d be giving Nash too much credit for being able to move able his usual level of mediocrity in the big match. As it was, the cage itself wasn’t even a factor, and Foley’s participation only served to have him put over HHH yet again. I wouldn’t say it was good, but Nash lot, so I’ll be merciful. **1/2

 

The Bottom Line:

 

While certainly not the WORST PPV ever (or even of the year), it’s certainly one of the most uninteresting, as it took me nearly 5 hours to slog through the entire rant while I tried to motivate myself to continue. And really, what was it? An extended RAW.

 

All I was looking for was for Flair-Michaels to deliver, and they didn’t, so thumbs down. Easy as that.

 

And now I get to watch RAW.

 

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cwoy2j

cwoy2j

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, Zartan said:

“It’s not a good match because they are in the clique” 

Wasn’t Mr. Keith the Olympic torch bearer for the “O-M-G they won’t push Benoit” crowd back in the day? 

Spoiler

The Netcop Rant for WCW/nWo Superbrawl VIII

- Live from the Cow Palace in San Francisco, thus guaranteeing a
built-in fanbase for Raven's Flock.

- We start with another lame black & white promo, which is ironic,
considering...

- Hosted by Eeny, Meeny and Miney.  Mo is delayed at LAX due to weather
problems.

Okay, I was of two minds during a show more than a few times, so for a
lot of the matches, I'm going to divide my review into Good (net)Cop and
Bad (net)Cop.  Try and follow my lead.

- Opening match:  TV Title match #1: Booker T v. Rick Martel.  Martel is
once again in full heel mode and my interest in him is gone because of
it.  Booker is OVER.  The Flock's entrance at ringside is highlited at
one point during the match.  They really get some time to stretch out
here, moreso than on Thunder or Nitro, and they don't really take
advantage of it.  It was just kinda slow, that's all.  Goes about 18
minutes before Martel comes off the second rope with whatever and Booker
nails a Harlem sidekick in mid-air to block, which puts Martel's lights
out.  And we have a two-time champion in Booker T!  Yah!  ***

- TV Title match #2: Booker T v. Saturn.  Saturn charges in immediately
after the previous match and they start it up right away as Saturn
hammers on Booker.  The announcers inform us that Martel tore some
ligament, which will hopefully mean I won't have to watch him wrestle
for a while (I hate the heel Martel).  Match is very lethargic as Booker
seems winded and Saturn just sucks.  Lots of time spent outside the
ring, as Booker gets virtually no offense in.  Tony blathers on about
who the referee for the main event will be.  Finally it gets good about
12 minutes in as both guys exchange some high-impact stuff.  Booker goes
for the Hangover and misses, but Saturn can't capitalize as Booker hits
the Harlem Sidekick and gets the pin to retain the title.  *1/2

Good Cop sez:  I liked the booking, which put Booker over as a bigger
badass than ever and really established him as a top face, and hopefully
put an end to this triangle feud.  Time to move onto Eddy.  The matches
were pretty disappointing, however.

Bad Cop sez:  Who cares about the match quality?  BOOKER T RULZ!

Concensus:  Good opening.

- La Parka v. Disco Inferno.  Fans are pretty into La Parka now.  He
whips the chair at Disco before the bell, nearly getting him right in
the head.  Total "charisma over talent" match as both guys dance, stall,
play to the crowd, and basically do everything *but* wrestle.  And as a
result, the crowd is pretty dead.  And of course NOW Tony talks about
the match.  Sheesh.  Finally, La Parka brings in the chair, but
Disco...very....slowly....stops him from coming off the top rope and
using the chair, slamming him off the top onto the chair, then hitting
the Stone Cold Chartbuster for the pin.  *

Good Cop sez:  Really poor match for both guys, and putting Disco over
made no sense on several levels, unless they're priming him for another
run at the TV title.  This sucked.

Bad Cop sez:  BOR-RING.  And La Parka didn't even get to hit him with
the chair afterwards.  This sucked.

Concensus:  This sucked.

- JJ Dillon reinstates Nick Patrick with no conditions, but tells him
that he will, under no circumstances, be involved in the main event.
This, of course, tells us that he'll be involved in the main event.
Patrick actually kisses Mean Gene in his happiness.  That's a bit too
much information...

- Brad Armstrong v. Bill Goldberg.  We take a pool to bet on how fast
Goldberg will destroy Brad Armstrong.  Estimates range from 46 seconds
(me) up to 3:16 (CanSen).  Time of the match:  2:25, which means that
Zenon wins.  Oh, yeah, the match:  Goldberg does some sloppy, dangerous
moves which I'm sure RSPW will cream over, spear, jackhammer, yada yada
yada.

Good Cop sez:  I'm sick of Goldberg and I don't need to see him squash
Brad Armstrong on a major PPV.

Bad Cop sez:  GOLDBERG SUCKS!

Concensus:  Save this crap for Nitro.

- Cruiserweight title v. Mask:  Chris Jericho v. Juventud Guerrera.
Jericho leaves the belt on until Juvy kicks him there.  Tony, at one
point, calls a Juvy move a "flying body attack," which may be *the* most
generic move description in the history of wrestling.  If you don't
know, just let Tenay call it, dude.  Some other stuff happens, and then
Juvy hits the 450, but Jericho has, like, 3 of his appendages in the
ropes, although the announcers nevertheless act like it was a close
call.   Then it's a super hot ending, as a flurry of offense from both
guys nearly gives each the win before Jericho blocks a rana into the
Liontamer for the tap-out.  D'oh!  **1/2

- Jericho makes fun of Juvy as he removes his mask, which ruins the
whole Juvy mystique for me.  Sigh.

Good Cop sez:  I think Jericho is on the bottom rung of the whole
Cruiserweight talent ladder, but he continues to get a bigger push based
on his whining in the ring and in real life.  I didn't like this match,
and their styles aren't really compatible.  It just never clicked for
me.

Bad Cop sez:  Cruiserweights suck.  But unmaskings are cool.

Concensus:  Disappointing.

- Steve McMichael v. The British Bulldog.  This was *so* bad.  Not as
bad as the main event, but still pretty wretched.  After hearing me
complain about lack of ring psychology, Mongo proceeds to sell a wrist
injury to the point of stupidity (I mean, not being able to do a
three-point stance because of the wrist injury?) before Bulldog puts him
in an armbar for the submission, although the announcers act like he
never gave up.  -*

Good Cop sez:  It makes me sick to my stomach to watch Davey Boy Smith
deteriorate before my eyes like this.  And Mongo hasn't had a good match
since WarGames.

Bad Cop sez:  BOR-RING!

Concensus:  Save this crap for Nitro.

[Note:  The crowd is just dead silent by this point.]

- US Title match:  Diamond Dallas Page v. Chris Benoit.  And they blow
it again.  Terrible match for Benoit.  Restholds galore, and the only
markout moment of the match was the triple german suplex which Benoit
seems to be adding to his usual repetoire now.  WHOMP ASS~!  But it's
for naught, as DDP reverses a Benoit move into the Diamond Cutter for
the pin.  FUCK!  **

Good Cop sez:  Benoit jobs again.  And the match did nothing to advance
the Raven storyline or give Benoit more credibility as a title
contender.  DDP just can't keep up, it's that simple.

Bad Cop sez:  BOR-RING!

Concensus:  Disappointing, but at least it was clean.

- Tony says by the way, Giant won't be here tonight afterall, but tune
into Nitro because he'll be there.  Hey, more WCW bullshit.  Whoo-hoo!

- No-DQ:  Randy Savage v. Lex Luger.  Oh, like you need me to tell you
a) How bad it was; b) Who won or c) Who ran in, but I will anyway.  a)
It was pretty horrible.  b)  Luger wins with the Rack.  c)  The nWo runs
in and beats up Savage so Luger can win.  -**

Good Cop sez:  Why did Luger win?  Savage is the one getting the push.

Bad Cop sez:  Bounce, Liz, bounce!

Concensus:  Save this crap for Nitro.

[Note:  The crowd is almost comatose right now.]

- "Unified" tag team title match:  The Steiner Brothers v. The
Outsiders.  Yeah, unified, sure, whatever.  Thankfully Scott punks his
brother a mere two minutes in, thus saving me having to watch these four
stink up the ring again.  Dibiase gets creamed by Dusty and the nWo do
everything but play catch with the carcass of Rick Steiner before
pinning him to regain the titles yet again.  It did, however, completely
reawaken the crowd.  DUD

Good Cop sez:  Finally Scott turns.  Thank god.  Match was incredibly
bad, of course.

Bad Cop sez:  Hey, I liked it.  I thought it was cool to turn him right
at the beginning of the match, and I liked watching Rick get killed.

Concensus:  None, really.  Bad match with a fun angle that was three
months too late.

- Uncensored promo which directly rips off the Game Boy commercials.

- Main Event:  "Unified" World title:  Hulk Hogan v. Sting.  And what
the FUCK does it unify, huh?  And what the hell happened to Sting?  This
is a HORRIBLE match, featuring not one, but TWO ref bumps, and Sting has
been reduced to Lex Luger's level:  Take an ass-kicking, then come back
with a repeated move (the Stinger splash) and a lame finisher
(Deathdrop) to get the win.  Which is what happens, as the entire nWo
runs in, but Sting fights them off as Randy Savage bops Hogan with
something and allows Sting to get the pin.  Nick Patrick makes the
count, of course.  -**  Sting claims the belt, then spraypaints "WCW" on
the fallen Hogan, end of show.

Good Cop sez:  I never, ever want to watch Sting wrestle again if this
is his ceiling.  DDP was able to carry Hogan to a better match than his
kick-and-punch festival.  Dallas fucking Page!  And why couldn't they do
this ending at Starrcade, when it would have been appropriate and meant
something?

Bad Cop sez:  YEAH!  STING KICKS ASS!  nWo SUX!  STING FINALLY WINS!

Concensus:  Wretched match with an ending they should have done three
months ago.

The Bottom Line:  Wrestling wise, this was easily the worst PPV I've
seen in quite some time.  There was no match I'd even classify as "good"
after the opener, and even the Martel-Booker T match was on the fringes
of being "good" and was flirting with "okay".  The only thing, and I
mean the ONLY thing that saved this show was some really good angles
that were long overdue.  If Hogan had gone over in the title match, it
would have been a cinch as "Worst Show of the Year".

On the other hand, I kind of liked the show on a markish level, as Sting
finally got his revenge and Scott turned in a cool way and Juvy
unmasked.  So it wasn't all bad.

Just most of it.

Later.
 

 

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cwoy2j

cwoy2j

Posted
Posted

Oh and here's his re-rant of the Benoit/DDP match 

 

Quote

-         US title match:  Diamond Dallas Page v. Chris Benoit.  This was just before DDP’s big feud with Raven, and his sudden revelation that adding the word “scum” to anyone’s name could make him sound cool.  This mini-feud with Page was actually a neat bit of politicking on his part, as he saw the incredibly heated Raven-Benoit feud and decided he wanted a piece.  So he had Benoit moved into a “respect” feud with himself (which had the advantage of giving the illusion that he was a great wrestler) and then phased Raven into the feud as a result of that previous Raven-Benoit rivalry.  Once Raven was in, he then segued the feud into DDP-Raven, and sent Benoit crashing back down to the undercard again.  Isn’t backstage politics fun?  Have I mentioned recently that Benoit beat the Rock on RAW last week?  Who’s Page beaten recently?  Anyway, Page works the arm to start here.  He whips Benoit into the corner and gets a rotation gutbuster.  Benoit suplexes him onto the top rope in retaliation.  Quick crossface attempt, but Page makes the ropes.  Pinfall reversal sequence, then DDP gets a backdrop suplex.  Benoit dodges the Diamond Cutter by rolling out.  He gets back in and they have a staredown, and it occurs to me that the natural progression would be for Benoit to slap the smirk off DDP’s face, and HE DOES!  A really loud one, too, that gets the crowd ooo-ing and aaah-ing.  They get into a slugfest, and Benoit hits a cheapshot.  Rollup gets two.  DDP counters that with an ocean cyclone suplex for two.  Benoit dropkicks the knee and goes back on offense.  He uses a cobra sleeper, but DDP escapes with a jawbreaker.  Benoit hammers on him in the corner, to a big pop.  DDP responds in kind.  Benoit pulls out the snap suplex for two.  I love it when he uses that.  Back to the sleeper.  DDP escapes, but Benoit tenaciously goes right back at it.  DDP dumps him over the top in desperation.  Benoit goes to the top, but gets crotched.  DDP gets a superplex for a double knockout spot.  Slugfest follows as they get up, and DDP mounts a comeback.  Spinning lariat gets two.  DDP goes upstairs and hits a flying clothesline for two.  Suplex attempt is suddenly reversed to a crossface, and the crowd goes NUTS.  DDP makes the ropes.  Suplex attempt again, this time reversed to a cradle for two, and again reversed by DDP for two.  Page gets a belly to belly for two, but Benoit comes back with the rolling suplexes for two.  The crowd is DEEPLY into this.  Double knockout, then DDP comes back with a jumping DDT for two.  Diamond Cutter attempt, but Benoit blocks and goes for a backslide, which Page flips out of and hits the Diamond Cutter out of nowhere, and it’s academic from there.  He retains at 15:43 in an awesome match for Page.  ****1/4  Lodi offers sage advice via a sign:  “Benoit, We Knew You’d Lose”.  Work, shoot, it’s all the same thing.  I panned this match in my original go-around because of my initial bitterness at Benoit’s loss, but time has mellowed me to it, because really it’s all worked out just fine for Chris, while all the jerks who held him back are busy sinking with the Titanic right now.  Instant karma IS gonna get you.

 

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cwoy2j

Posted
Posted

Here's another gem

 

Quote

-         US title match:  DDP v. Raven v. Chris Benoit.  Three-way lockup to start.  Now that’s neat.  We hit the floor in short order, where DDP hits the stairs.  Raven & Benoit go inside the ring.  Benoit gets two, then DDP takes Raven out.  Benoit baseball slides Raven, and DDP hits a pescado on both.  DDP neckbreakers Raven for two, Benoit suplexes Raven for two.  DDP pancakes Raven for two.  Benoit drops the flying headbutt on Raven for two.  Rough night for Raven so far.  DDP stomps Raven for two after Benoit gets off.  DDP & Benoit brawl, and Raven follows with a pescado on both, then covers each in turn for two.  DDP & Benoit fight up the aisle, Raven follows.  Several two counts result.  Raven grabs a trash can, and winds up wearing it, and DDP & Benoit double-team him with a pair of crutches.  Benoit slams the garbage can into DDP’s often-injured ribs, and Benoit and Raven then team up to toss DDP through a convenient video wall.  Neat spot.  Benoit nails Raven with a kitchen sink, just to be cute.  Raven retaliates by suplexing a table onto him.  Raven sets the table up, but goes through it.  They head to the ring, and Raven gets a low blow.  He sets up a chair but Benoit hits his own drop toehold onto it.  DDP crawls back to the ring.  Benoit & Raven continue beating the tar out of each other.  Benoit gets a sleeper, and DDP runs in for the triple sleeper spot that I hate so much.  Benoit hits Raven with two of the rolling suplexes, and DDP suplexes both at once in a cool spot that the Radicalz lifted at Judgment Day.  Benoit holds DDP, and Raven gets a stop-sign from Lodi (still playing Raven’s lackey at this point) and nails DDP.  Another table gets set up, but Benoit gets his own shot on Raven with the sign.  DDP is on the table soon after, and Benoit tries to superplex Raven through DDP and the table, but DDP recovers, pushes Benoit down to the floor, and hits a bad-looking Diamond Cutter off the top, through the table, and pins Raven to retain at 17:10.  I was about a hundred billion times more impressed with this match after seeing it this second time.  ****1/4  Benoit supplied the match flow, Raven supplied the booking, and DDP probably supplied the autographed pictures of himself. 

 

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Brian Fowler

Brian Fowler

Posted
Posted

I never understood all the anti-DDP bullshit. Guy had good matches basically every night out for three years (minutes a drunk basketball player or talk show host) while constantly being ripped on for being friends with Bischoff or pre-planning his matches.

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cwoy2j

cwoy2j

Posted
Posted
5 minutes ago, Brian Fowler said:

I never understood all the anti-DDP bullshit. Guy had good matches basically every night out for three years (minutes a drunk basketball player or talk show host) while constantly being ripped on for being friends with Bischoff or pre-planning his matches.

Spoiler

- Live from San Diego, CA.

- Your hosts are Tony, Mike & Bobby.

- Mean Gene shills the hotline while the sound crew works on that
Spanish overlay problem the WWF was having in 1995.

- Opening match:  Raven v. Saturn.  Lodi is dressed like ECW's Hat Guy
in honor of the garbagy ECW-style match which will undoubtedly follow.
Saturn is wearing tights again, thankfully, which means he now looks
like a wrestler instead of a mongoloid circus freak.  Saturn kicks
Raven's butt for a few minutes, but misses a top rope legdrop, and then
the match goes to hell.  Raven rolls out and grabs a table (called a
"chair" by Tony, thus proving once and for all that he's lost his mind),
but it doesn't get used yet.  Is this what Raven is reduced to now?
Going right for the lazy garbage spots two minutes in without even
attempting to wrestle?  Repeat after me:  Spot, rest, spot.  Saturn has
now become the bastard mutant offspring of Taz and Sabu, incorporating
their worst parts.  Okay, so now Saturn's trying some wrestling, and
then a chair gets brought in and Nick Patrick gets bumped.  AAARRRGH.
Then in yet another inane spot, Saturn sandwiches Raven between two
tables in a series that takes about three minutes to set up and never
gets paid off because Kanyon pulls Raven out of the way.  Saturn
proceeds to blow the spot anyway.  Back in the ring, Raven with the DROP
TOEHOLD OF DEATH, but it only gets two.  The Flock attacks, Saturn
fights them off, Raven with the shitty DDT for the pin.  (tm) Dusty
Rhodes Inc., all rights reserved.  *1/2  What a bunch of overbooked
nonsense.

- Kidman v. Juventud Guerrera.  Okay, now we're talking.  The Flair
chant makes it's debut here.  Poor Lodi gets creamed a couple of times.
Kidman gives Juvy a nasty hotshot on the railing, kicking off a bunch of
psychotic spots with very little wrestling in between.  When I say
psychotic, I mean we're talking totally brutal stuff.  Kidman takes a
sunset flip off the apron (which Tony calls a "sidewalk slam"...WHAT THE
FUCK IS HE SMOKING???) and his head bounces on the floor.  Ouch.
Finally back in the ring and Kidman kicks out of a Juvy Driver, but
misses the shooting star press.  Juvy with the 450 splash for the pin.
Man, you absolutely cannot fault them for effort in this one.  ***
These guys should be fighting for the Cruiserweight title, not Jericho
and Deano Machino.

- Stevie Ray v. Chavo Guerrero.  The point of this is basically to
establish that Stevie is in the building tonight.  Stalling by Chavo,
then he offers Stevie a handshake, which proves to be so painful for
Chavo that he drops to his knees and submits right there, saving
himself for Uncle Eddy.  DUD.

- Chavo Guerrero v. Eddy Guerrero, hair v. hair.  Stall, stall, stall.
Chavo's character entails way too much cheap comedy match stuff.  Lots
of hiding behind the ref and biting the butt and stuff like that.  Then
it finally gets going and Eddy is in stiff mofo mode.  A good match
ensues, which I liked much better than the one last month.  They trade
each other's finishers, with Chavo missing a Frog Splash and Eddy
hitting a tornado DDT.  Eddy wastes time playing with the scissors and
Chavo gets his own tornado DDT.  Then Chavo wastes time with the
scissors and Eddy cradles him for the win.  Cheap ending to a good
match.  ***1/4  Chavo snaps again and Eddy runs off, so Chavo proceeds
to do a Jimmy Valient job on himself.  He looks better bald, actually.

- SPECIAL ADDED BONUS MATCH!  Disco Inferno (w/ Alex Wright) v. Gonnad.
Total time-filling comedy match.  Luger and Nash accompany Gonnad to
ensure that it'll be a squash.  Gonnad does the usual mike-routine, and
then we get to see Disco completely devolve back to his original
gimmick:  The disco dancing goof who worries so much about his hair that
he blows the big match.  What a shame, he was showing so much promise
until that match with Miss Jackie flushed his career down the crapper.
A couple of minutes of Gonnad offense, then Luger takes out Wright on
the outside, which distracts the ref and allows Nash to powerbomb Wright
and Gonnad gets the win.  (tm) Dusty Rhodes Inc., all rights reserved.
DUD.

- Giant v. Kevin Greene.  Certainly not as horrible as it could have
been.  Greene stays out of his way for a bit, then Giant takes over.
Greene certainly has enthusiasm, can't fault him for that.  Greene with
a good flying clothesline, but then he charges Giant in the corner and
gets chokeslammed.  See ya.  *1/2  The point of this eludes me as
always, but one of these days WCW will stumble upon an angle to go with
their PPVs, hopefully.

- Chris Jericho lets us know that he wants us to want him, and proceeds
to do a softshoe.  Well, no, because JoJo Dillon instead offers him a
challenger to defend against tonight.  Hey, what's that coming down
fifth avenue...oh, it's just a blatantly obvious WCW angle.

- Chris Jericho v. Rey Mysterio Jr.  Rey looks *good*.  Bulked up and
tanned.  Good start, and then *whoosh*, right down the commode.  After
about two minutes of good wrestling, they suddenly brawl to the prop
beach and do some goofy spots on the sand (Tony:  "Sand can be very
irritating")  Then back to the ring, where they use a chair.  Hey, this
is supposed to be a CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE MATCH.  Save this bullshit for
Raven's matches.  Just boring garbage wrestling, which neither guy is
particularly suited for, which indicates that Rey's knee is not up to
snuff.  Rey blows the rana (not a good sign for the knee) but Chris
can't get the Liontamer.  He tries again, and Rey reverses for the pin.
Deano Machino can't make it out in time to distract Jericho to make the
reversal make sense, which just makes this that much more of a mess.
Mysterio is the new champion.  **  Dean and Chris brawl to the back,
where Arn Anderson holds Jericho, but nothing else comes of it.  And
that's that.  Not a good match, at all.

- TV title match:  Booker T v. Bret Hart.  How art the mighty have
fallen.  Bret has to win here, period.  If he doesn't walk out with the
TV title, it's pretty much a write-off for him in WCW, I'd say.  Bret
works on the knee, and then goes back to the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM.  Which
usually indicates that Bret can't be bothered to make an effort.  Fans
are catatonic.  Booker T comeback, axe kick, pancake, missile dropkick,
but Bret's in the ropes.  He rolls out and smacks Booker with a chair,
drawing a lame DQ.  (tm) Dusty Rhodes Inc., all rights reserved.  The
Splotch of Evil is all over this show.   Bret destroys Booker's knee
(which already has a huge brace on it).  Stevie Ray saunters out and
sort of makes the save, in that Bret eventually stops at a time that
happened to coincide with the moment that Stevie finished his walk to
the ring.  Geez, just start the latest brother v. brother feud already
and get it over with.  I'm personally counting the days to Stevie Ray &
Big Poppa Pump v. Rick Steiner & Booker T in the match to demonstrate
once and for all that WCW is completely lacking in creativity.

- A special look at GOOOOOOOLLLLLLLDBERG which pretty much buries Scott
Hall (as if that match didn't do it already).

- WCW World title squash:  GOOOOOOLLLLLDBERG v. Designated Victim #112.
I think that the blond guy used to be World champion at one point, but
it was so long ago....hey, look, it's Goldberg!  Wow, he's added a
clothesline and everything!  What a guy!  Oh, look, it's been almost
three minutes, he'd better hurry up before the fans get bored.  SPEAR!
JACKHAMMER!  Wow, what a champion.  I'll give WCW one thing, if Goldberg
keeps squashing his contenders in under four minutes the WCW title will
regain some prestige pretty quick.  Oh, yeah, he was fighting Hennig,
forgot to mention.  1/4*  Cue the canned chant, next match.

- Hulk Hogan & Rodzilla v. Karl Malone & DDP.  I take that back, I'd
rather watch the last match 6 times to fill the half-hour that this
match has to fill.  The announcers seem awfully defensive about the
mainstream coverage that they're telling us this match will receive.
Here's a hint, Tony:  Rodman drunk at a Pearl Jam concert was a fairly
major entertainment story, this is not.  That is where this match stands
on the media totem pole.  DDP and Malone have matching outfits, aww
isn't cute.  Let the stalling begin!  And what stalling!  Hogan must
have coached Rodzilla for weeks on how to avoid actually wrestling.
He's the best, you know.  Stall, stall, headlock, stall, stall.  Hogan's
in and it's...more stalling!  Then just for a change, they stall some
more!  Bodyslam, DDP's in, and it's more stalling!  Massive "Boring"
chant erupts at various points during this excrutiating feeling-out
process.  DDP and Rodman have a spitting contest.  Armdrag by Rodman,
and MORE stalling.  Another "Boring" chant, and I mean a LOUD chant,
breaks out again.  Rodman with two leapfrogs and then he fucks up a
shoulderblock, drawing boos instead of "boring" chants.  I'm giving 2:1
odds that he was on some illegal substance tonight.  Hogan and Malone
in, more stalling.  Finally, Malone gets decked by Rodman and something
resembling a wrestling match starts up about *10 minutes* in.  I kid you
not.  Two of Hogan's World title victories could be fit into this match
so far.  Malone gets choked like the Jazz did.  Page tags in and gets
beat up, too.  Then Hogan and Rodman set the wayback machine for 1987
and pull out every two-bit tag team cliche that the fans were sick of in
1988.  Rodman chokes DDP in the corner, DDP tries to fight out of a
front facelock to make the tag, the heels beat on DDP while the ref
escorts Malone out, etc.  Finally Malone gets the hot tag and cleans
house with some devastating bodyslams, and then patiently waits for
Rodman to get into position so he can do a DOUBLE-NOGGIN-KNOCKER, just
to send the business back 10 years again.  Does Hogan *really* think
this rinky-dink shit still works today?  DDP with a Diamond Cutter on
Hogan and Malone with a Diamond Cutter on Rodman, but the ref escorts
the basketball players out, allowing the Disciple to complete the 80s
booking by Stunnering DDP and putting Hogan on top for the pin.  (tm)
Dusty Rhodes Inc., all rights reserved.  1/4*  Malone takes out the ref.

- The nWo celebrates as though anyone cares about them.

The Bottom Line:

If there's a direction for the company buried in all this, I sure can't
see it.  Jericho-Malenko is the Energizer bunny feud of the year, Rey is
the new champion and no one cares, the fans got three minutes of
Goldberg after basically sleeping through the entire undercard in
anticipation of seeing him, Bret is going nowhere, Nash is reduced to
cheap run-ins against jobbers, and what *is* the Wolfpac doing these
days, anyway?  That whole angle is just absolutely running in circles
thanks to backstage politics. And please, enough with the non-wrestlers
in main event matches.

I guess I could be positive and say that Juvy-Kidman was pretty good,
but I have two or three **** matches between them on my Thunder tapes,
so tonight's match left me pretty cold.  And Jericho-Mysterio was just
sad.

This federation needs an enema, pronto.  Fire all the bookers and let
someone with new ideas give it a go.

Thumbs down.


 

 

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Guest Edwin

Guest Edwin

Posted
Posted
Quote

- NWA World title:  Ric Flair v. Road Warrior Hawk.  Who thought THIS was a good idea?  I mean, seriously, old-school NWA fans, did you ever buy tickets for a show thinking "Oh, boy, Hawk is challenging for the title, this should be awesome!"  That's like trying to promote HHH v. Bubba Dudley for the title!  Who would be that stupid?  Oh, never mind.

I get what he's trying to say, but... No, just no.

He seems miserable. Like a Jim Cornette ranting about his hatred for Vince Russo miserable.

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OSJ

OSJ

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, Curt McGirt said:

This is why you don't read Scott Keith

I had forgotten just how bad he was, now I'm not at all sorry that I helped run his ass off the 'net. (Or at least places that I frequent). Oh well, what can you expect from someone who cuts his own hair with the propeller of a toy submarine and whose favorite band is Def Leppard?

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OSJ

OSJ

Posted
Posted
9 minutes ago, Michael Sweetser said:

Pasting Scott Keith rants in here should be a bannable offense, just for the Benoit god-complex.  

Here's your weekend project Mike, search for the phrase "Canadian Violence"! and ban every nimrod who used it in an un-ironic way.

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OSJ

OSJ

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, EVA said:

My question is, did @cwoy2j have this encyclopedic knowledge of Scott Keith reviews BEFORE today, or did this self-destructive behavior start after Miami lost to Pitt?

I think the former might be more troubling, honestly.

I think almost all fans go through a Scott Keith phase, it's like dry-humping, nothing much comes of it and you've wasted a good deal of time that could have been much better spent doing something else.

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