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Matt788

10 jokes a day

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3 hours ago, Matt788 said:

Dolphins are just educated fish who haven't fell into the tuna net yet

DUD, as stated, they are mammals.

The easiest way to make water ice is to force a snowman to drink cherry juice and then murder him.

DUD, I'm confused.
A squirrel is just a rabbit with a meth problem.

*, dumb.

The difference between a koala bear and a teddy bear is a bad eucalyptis habit.

**1/2, Kind of clever.
David Bowie could set off gaydar up to 50 miles away.

-***, He was openly bi-sexual, so this is just stupid.

The difference between a professional golfer and a professional disc golfer is a wife and kids.

DUD, that's not even a good stereotype.
If you ever want to end the American opiod epidemic, just put hashish wax in Milky Way bars.

*, that wouldn't help

NRA members like pistols more than rifles because they are easier to fit up each others assholes.

**, just because I support insulting the NRA.

The coast guard are just boat cops trying to steal your weed.

DUD, that is sort of their job.

Amsterdam is just stoned Germany.

*, Germany demands an apology.

and a bonus:

I'm not worried about the tigers escaping from the zoo. I'm worried about the clowns escaping from the circus.

*, What about Tiger Clowns?

 

Alright, let's get this shitshow over with.

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I'm happy I'm not the only one scratching my head about the snowman joke. I have no idea what's happening. All you're doing is making watered down, unsanitary cherry juice. 

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Maybe the cherry juice is supposed to be blood?

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Water ice or italian water ice is surely somthing you've heard of. It's a popular desert in philly. Anyway thanks for the critiques.  More DUDs tomorrow for sure!

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Me? Sorry if i offended you, not my intention. 

 

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CLOSE THE THREAD(CLAP CLAP, CLAP CLAP CLAP)

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These jokes remind me of this guy I went to high school with.  He tried to be a comedian and would do whatever shows (somehow even got on 98 Rock just to be made fun of)  I haven't see what he's up to lately but holy shit was he awful.  I still can't believe I paid to see two of his shows.  The only good thing that came of is I became friends with some awesome people who wanted to make fun of the guy.  So if it helps any compared to this guy these jokes aren't as bad as the stuff he did.  But I can definitely see why this didn't get published.

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There's always self-publishing. Maybe it's some kind of anti-comedy. He's the next Neil Hamburger. Only not in on the joke.

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A few jokes are OK but some are offensive and or don't make much sense like they've come from a kind of random joke generator. Perhaps try and build on your better jokes if you want to continue. Self publishing is the way to go too.

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It took me about 2 minutes to skim through all those jokes. I want those 2 minutes back. 

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3 minutes ago, BrianS81177 said:

It took me about 2 minutes to skim through all those jokes. I want those 2 minutes back. 

If the Board gave refunds, we'd all get six Marches back.

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Just now, Matt D said:

If the Board gave refunds, we'd all get six Marches back.

Now THAT was a good joke

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****1/4, needs more Davey Richards.

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Everything needs more Davey Richards.

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As for our would-be comic, even his offensive jokes don't have enough bite to be at all funny and I for one, can appreciate some pretty offensive shit, (I'm Irish, it comes with the territory, you've no idea how many "drunken Paddy" jokes I've sat through coming up on thirty years sober).

Anyway you want funny and offensive. Back in the late seventies I hit on a great way to meet women. While most of my bros were doing the bar scene, I hung out by Jim Brown's house. I figured sooner or later he'd throw me one out the window...

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@OSJ congrats on the thirty years sober. That is awesome.

 

As for my jokes from the book I realize that supply is greater than demand so I'm just calling the book a failed venture. Thanks for the honest opinions.

 

 

 

 

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How many ears has Captain Kirk got?

No, 3.

A left ear, a right ear, and a final Frontier.

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Okay that was the best joke of the thread. A low bar to clear, granted.

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What do you call a cow with a nervous twitch?

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1 hour ago, Brian Fowler said:

What do you call a cow with a nervous twitch?

I haven't a clue. Conversely, why do you wrap a hamster with duct tape?

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Beef jerky.

Because they don't make hamster tape?

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5 hours ago, Brian Fowler said:

Beef jerky.

Because they don't make hamster tape?

I'll PM you the answer so RIPPA doesn't ban me...

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I want 10 OSJ jokes a day. None of them will be allowed to be printed because of all the celebrities he goes after.

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