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Matt788

10 jokes a day

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So I wrote a book of 250 jokes that no one wanted to publish so I present to all of DVDR 10 jokes a day:

 

1% of all canned tuna is Sea World employees who fell in the dolphin tank.


If anyone makes you pay to use a toilet, pour a bottle of laundry deterdent in with your pee.


When your doctor asks for a stool sample, ask him if it's for business or pleasure.


What if mimes are just clowns who have been raped into silence?


If a man has hairy palms he is a masterbator. If he has hairy palms and no dick he is a werewolf.


The statue of David is just a naked dude who looked at Medusa.


I quit the proctology business. Every customer was an asshole.


You are the kind of reader who goes to the sperm bank and asks for a "medium to go."


Why does no one see George Washington'  s ghost? Because he's got a lot of explaining to do about hemp and slavery.


I'm starting to believe Bill Cosby was Michael Jackson's doctor.

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2 hours ago, Matt788 said:

So I wrote a book of 250 jokes that no one wanted to publish so I present to all of DVDR 10 jokes a day:

 

1% of all canned tuna is Sea World employees who fell in the dolphin tank.

**
If anyone makes you pay to use a toilet, pour a bottle of laundry deterdent in with your pee.

*, logistically difficult
When your doctor asks for a stool sample, ask him if it's for business or pleasure.

**
What if mimes are just clowns who have been raped into silence?

DUD
If a man has hairy palms he is a masterbator. If he has hairy palms and no dick he is a werewolf.

*1/2, good attempt, confusing premise. 
The statue of David is just a naked dude who looked at Medusa.

***
I quit the proctology business. Every customer was an asshole.

-**
You are the kind of reader who goes to the sperm bank and asks for a "medium to go."

*
Why does no one see George Washington'  s ghost? Because he's got a lot of explaining to do about hemp and slavery.

DUD
I'm starting to believe Bill Cosby was Michael Jackson's doctor.

DUD, confusing. Unless you're intimating MJ looked like a woman to Cosby.

I shall now star rate jokes out of five. *1/2, check your spelling. ;) These are lame enough to be in this old intentionally offensive joke books from the 80s. Minus the racism and other things.

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That is true. I was more thinking ethnic, dead baby, gay, etc, but that fits in. Also, find a comedy writer.

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10 more for your consideration:

 

Do you enjoy clubbing? ...why would you do that to a baby seal?


JFK was a poor pasta chef, he lost half his noodles.


What's black and white and red all over?  ...a bludgeoned panda bear.


Prove to me that the Pyramids are not just half buried cubes.


A little table salt will make food taste good. A little bath salts will make faces taste good. Hooray for American science!


Elton John wrote "Goodbye Englands rose" about Princess Diana. All of his other songs were about sex with dudes.


Cancer was caused by too much smoking. AIDS was caused by too much sex. The next great disease will be caused by too much porn.


Smoking a cigarette is like performing oral sex on a running car's tailpipe and paying 8 dollars for the experience.


If anyone tells you that you have a small penis, tell them you know a way they can make it grow larger.


The ice cream truck is a great invention. If only it had a way to make more annoying sounds.

 

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47 minutes ago, Matt788 said:

10 more for your consideration:

 

Do you enjoy clubbing? ...why would you do that to a baby seal?

**
JFK was a poor pasta chef, he lost half his noodles.

*1/2
What's black and white and red all over?  ...a bludgeoned panda bear.

* Poor Panda
Prove to me that the Pyramids are not just half buried cubes.

DUD?, I think that's fairly simple to do with sonar and likely has been done.
A little table salt will make food taste good. A little bath salts will make faces taste good. Hooray for American science!

***, almost topical!
Elton John wrote "Goodbye Englands rose" about Princess Diana. All of his other songs were about sex with dudes.

DUD, how is that a punchline in 2017?
Cancer was caused by too much smoking. AIDS was caused by too much sex. The next great disease will be caused by too much porn.

*, Faulty premise.
Smoking a cigarette is like performing oral sex on a running car's tailpipe and paying 8 dollars for the experience.

***, it may actually be worse than that.
If anyone tells you that you have a small penis, tell them you know a way they can make it grow larger.

**, doesn't work in mid-coitus though.
The ice cream truck is a great invention. If only it had a way to make more annoying sounds.

*, you could go so much darker with this one.

Keep at it, you'll reach Don Rickles status in 4000 years.

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20 hours ago, Ryan said:

I shall now star rate jokes out of five. *1/2, check your spelling. ;) These are lame enough to be in this old intentionally offensive joke books from the 80s. Minus the racism and other things.

Except I might actually laugh at one of those. Don't quit your day job, unless this is it, then you need to quit it. . . .

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Today's 10:

 

North Korea has been working on a way to destroy the Gangnam Style song for years. No progress has been made.


A rude drunk is a problem. A polite drunk is a Canadian.


Marijauna cures cancer in much the same way whisky cures dry mouth.


If you are feeling blue you need a friend. If you are feeling purple then that friend slipped you LSD.


Lager is a beer that already tasted like vomit so you don't have to bother throwing it up.


If you see a flyer for a Tom Petty Concert, don't go. It's just Tom Petty trying to steal your weed!


The difference between a doorman and a polite guy is a job.


The difference between getting a ride and getting a taxi is 25 dollars.


At 18 you can vote. At 21 you can drink. I think 35 is when you can smoke crack cocaine.


Food stamps are the Pirate Bay of grocery stores.

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30 minutes ago, Matt788 said:

Today's 10:

 

North Korea has been working on a way to destroy the Gangnam Style song for years. No progress has been made.

DUD
A rude drunk is a problem. A polite drunk is a Canadian.

*
Marijauna cures cancer in much the same way whisky cures dry mouth.

DUD
If you are feeling blue you need a friend. If you are feeling purple then that friend slipped you LSD.

**
Lager is a beer that already tasted like vomit so you don't have to bother throwing it up.

N/R, I don't drink, so no point of reference.
If you see a flyer for a Tom Petty Concert, don't go. It's just Tom Petty trying to steal your weed!

DUD
The difference between a doorman and a polite guy is a job.

*
The difference between getting a ride and getting a taxi is 25 dollars.

*
At 18 you can vote. At 21 you can drink. I think 35 is when you can smoke crack cocaine.

1/2*
Food stamps are the Pirate Bay of grocery stores.

-***, you use SNAP at grocery stores, this is confusing. Also, don't make me hit you.

You didn't workshop these did you.

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Now you've done it. *steals whatsisname's gimmick*

  1. Forget tweeting and China. If you want peace on the Korean peninsula, give them unfettered access to a Costco and you'll get half the North Korean army to defect.
  2. A blended margarita is basically a tequila-infused Slurpee.
  3. Mushrooms and poisoned berries are proof God didn't want to make it too easy for us.
  4. Every time someone in the Trump Administration gets fired, Oompa Loompas should appear and sing a song about the perils of whatever got them canned.
  5. I was once hired to score the music for a pornographic movie. I showed up on set but then they told me to get the hell out of the studio and take my one-man-band with me.
  6. The last time I was in San Francisco was in 2014. I was there to march in a parade. Depressingly, when there I got asked if I really belonged there. I told him love was love and everyone was free to be who they were. He just insisted I wasn't really Pablo Sandoval and to please get back behind the barricade.
  7. I have a fair number of British friends online, and they're fairly politically outspoken. This isn't, y'know, a problem per se, but it kind sucks in that one of the benefits of being American is that I should be blissfully unaware of world events, and yet somehow I know the last Prime Minister accidentally left Europe and fucked a pig.
  8. I think Google is trying to get me fired. I searched for Killer Kowalski, and it asked "do you mean 'Kill your boss?' ...I probably shouldn't have spent so much time clicking all the links.
  9. ...still better than Bing, though.
  10. The KFC twitter account follows 11 people. 5 of them are the Spice Girls, and the other 6 are all men named Herb. I don't so much have a punchline with this as I'm wondering who gets paid to do this shit and how did Donald Trump miss his calling?
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10 more:

 

Truck-nuts are not a substitute for actual testicles.


Telemarketing is just phone sex where a masochist calls you.

 

DB Cooper was just an ambitious crack addict who went to parachute school.

 

Mike Tyson can knock you out with one punch. So can Bill Cosby.


VR porn is like gluing degenerate sex to your eyeballs.


I'm starting to think that some of those rap stars drinking lean do not really have a severe cough and cold problem.


If the Queen of England was a bigger tax sponge she would have to live in a pineapple under the sea.

 

Scorpions are just spiders who go to the gym and watch a lot of MMA.


Owls are just crows who have spent time in bird prison.


If science cross breeds the mountain gorilla and the bonobo it will have the perfect rape machine.

 

 

 

 

 

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No idea what's going on here but I'll throw in a favorite of mine.

What's the last thing you want to hear when you're blowing Willie Nelson?

"I'm not Willie Nelson."

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6 hours ago, Matt788 said:

10 more:

 

Truck-nuts are not a substitute for actual testicles.

**1/2, common, but true.
Telemarketing is just phone sex where a masochist calls you.

***

DB Cooper was just an ambitious crack addict who went to parachute school.

**

Mike Tyson can knock you out with one punch. So can Bill Cosby.

**, not topical enough.
VR porn is like gluing degenerate sex to your eyeballs.

**, define degenerate sex.
I'm starting to think that some of those rap stars drinking lean do not really have a severe cough and cold problem.

*, eh....
If the Queen of England was a bigger tax sponge she would have to live in a pineapple under the sea.

**, Spongebob Squarepants! /chant

Scorpions are just spiders who go to the gym and watch a lot of MMA.

DUD
Owls are just crows who have spent time in bird prison.

DUD
If science cross breeds the mountain gorilla and the bonobo it will have the perfect rape machine.

-***

 

 

 

 

Don't sweat the technique.

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Dolphins are just educated fish who haven't fell into the tuna net yet

 

The easiest way to make water ice is to force a snowman to drink cherry juice and then murder him.


A squirrel is just a rabbit with a meth problem.

 

The difference between a koala bear and a teddy bear is a bad eucalyptis habit.


David Bowie could set off gaydar up to 50 miles away.

 

The difference between a professional golfer and a professional disc golfer is a wife and kids.


If you ever want to end the American opiod epidemic, just put hashish wax in Milky Way bars.

 

NRA members like pistols more than rifles because they are easier to fit up each others assholes.

 

The coast guard are just boat cops trying to steal your weed.

 

Amsterdam is just stoned Germany.

and a bonus:

I'm not worried about the tigers escaping from the zoo. I'm worried about the clowns escaping from the circus.

 

 

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