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piranesi

Halloween: Pre-season-of-the-witch UPDATE: It's on!

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RadIo fucking Clyde - Glasgow, Scotland, taking my Scotch wife home for work this evening,...

DEAD CATS HANGING FROM POLES I REMEMBER HALLOWEEN!!!!

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If the weegies are cool with playing the Misfits on their radios, I'm cool with them. 

 

74 days until I sing in Teenage Martians again...

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Sadly today we have to report on some F&*CKING SLACKERS!!!  I AM LOOKING RIGHT AT YOU RITE AID YOUR LIKE BING BING BING GOING RIGHT DOWN NOT UP LIKE WINNERS!!!!

 

Everyone else is all over this and here is what we have at Rite Aid.  One half shelf of...like...old lady Halloween stuff.  You know the kind, not even Halloween really but "HARVEST TIME!"

 

IMG_1292.jpg

 

Harvest Blessings?  Unless you're talking about the harvesting of souls to create a demon sperm enhancement mist, then I DO NOT BLESS YOUR HARVESTINGS@@!!

 

It's all so cutesy and like Mayberry.

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WHY ARE THESE OWLS NOT WARNING ME ABOUT THE BLACK SABBATH BLOODBATH THAT IS APPROACHING???? WHY ARE THESE OWLS NOT MIMICKING HUMAN CRIES TO LURE ME INTO A HAUNTED SWAMP?????

 

And is that a fucking squirrel next to them?

 

THERE IS NO HOLIDAY ASOOCIATED WITH SQUIRRRRELLS!

 

Like, I know the good stuff will get here...but why the middle-ground phase-in period?  You're either in this or you're not and MY GOD

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THESE ARE NOT EVEN HALLOWEEN CUPS.  THESE ARE JUST THE MOST ORANGE-Y MUGS FROM TEH GWYNETH PALTROW "EARTH TONE CAPUCCINO YOGA FART LIFESTYLE" line and they plopped them over here like I WOULDN"T RECOGNIZE A GWYNETH WHEN I SEE IT!!!!?????

 

BUT

 

As always, old ladies are among the most accidentally scary people in the world.  And the line between cutesy banjo Mayberry style and "your-mouth-looks-pretty" banjo Mayberry style is as thin as the line between the life-world and the death-world is getting by the hour.

 

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FUUUUUUUUUCK MEEEEEE!

 

What nightmare is this?  What cackling emissary of satan takes the form of these two demented madness totems?  How far can I get away from these before they sprout long spindly teriffying legs and chase me down for sport and food???  Dear God, Gramma WHY WOULD YOU HAVE THESE IF YOU AREN"T ROSEMARYING MY BABY?????

 

But really, bad show Rite Aid.  The only thing in your store that almost redeemed you was this:

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NEVER STOP BEING YOU, MAD MAGAZINE!!!

 

Also, just down the street at my local meat/produce store was this:

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Not much, you say! HA!  These are the hay bales they will be using to put their GIGANTIC PUMPKINS ON in a few weeks.

 

WHAT IT IS IS IT IS WHAT IT IS OH YEEEEEAH  STING YER THE COOLEST DUDE IN THE WORLD AND THAT"S JUTS FINE WITH ME BROTHER YEEEEEEEAH! MY PUMPKINS ARE 1 MILLION PERCENT. THAT IS BETTER THAN A HUNERD PERCENT!!! OHYYYYYYYYYEEEEEAH

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An old Columbo is on MeTV right now.  The one where he goes to London and

solves a murder

committed by two Shakespearean actors.  For you MST3K fans, one of them is Richard Basehart:

 

Gypsy.jpg

OH GOOOOOOD< RICHAR BAEHSTARRT!!!

 

Who can blame her, right?

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He's LOVE BOAT sexy.  Clearly the kind of guy who ends sentences with "won't you, my dear?" as in "Could you hand me that cheek bone sharpener, won't you my dear?"

 

But that's not the cool part.  This episode is lousy with awesome mid-century British actors

 

including this guy:

tve10941_78_13_0.jpg

 

who plays a stage manager who ends up unwittingly carrying around a key piece of evidence.  This guy? 

 

Is Arthut Malet...which means that guy...

 

 

 

 

 

is this guy:

 

halloween_cast_then_now_14.jpg

 

EVERYTHING IS HALLOWEEN FROM THIS POINT ON!!! MARK IT DOWN< BROTEHR!

 

 

I remember over in Russellville, old Charlie Bowles, about fifteen years ago... One night, he finished dinner, and he excused himself from the table. He went out to the garage, and got himself a hacksaw. Then he went back into the house, kissed his wife and his two children goodbye, and then he proceeded to...

 

woodloom_standard_saddle_tombstone_judit

 

OHYYEEEEEAH JUDITH MYERS YOUR IN THE DANGER ZOOOOOOOOENENENENEN*

 

* Danger Zone refers to the marginal space along the crumbling wall between the world of light and the world of darkness.

 

From Nicholas Rogers, HALLOWEEN: FROM PAGAN RITUAL TO PARTY NIGHT, Oxford U. Press (2002):

 

In Celtic lore, it marked the boundary between summer
and winter, light and darkness. In this respect, Samhain can be seen as
a threshold, or what anthropologists would call a liminal festival. It
was a moment of ritual transition and altered states. It represented a
time out of time, a brief interval "when the normal order of the universe
is suspended" and "charged with a peculiar preternatural energy.

PJROegs.gif

AHM COMIN TO GETCHA, JUDITH Wit pECULIERR ENERRRGY!!!!!

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Local Grocery Store #2 has created a foundation for a really nice display:

 

IMG_1326.jpg

 

It's like the fog slowly rolling into the cemetery in RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD only this time instead of reanimating corpses, it's awakening the twin evil's of Men's Health Magazine cover models and grotesque smiling babies on diaper packages.  ONE CAN OUTSMART YOU AND THE OTHER CAN OUT-CROSSFIT YOU!!!! AND BOTH ARE PROBABLY LEAKING FECES!!!!

 

RUN< MOTHEROFUVCKLERS!!

 

It's also a bit like THE MIST in that the cobweb/fog seems to be providing a home for some horrifically large spiders, eyeball-eyeball eating ravens, a few demonic snakes and

 

IMG_1327.jpg

 

this charming fellow, who seems to be breaking the surface of the fog like a shark lunging for a sea lion.   Maybe he just really wants a snausage snack...or maybe he just needs someone to show him some affection for once in his life.  But he is also most certainly carrying lycanthropy, necro-scurvy, Clu-Gulageriasis, and Boris Karl's-Jr.s-By-Proxy.  BEWARE!

 

Bravo, grocery store weekend manager who set this up without consulting the head manager and probably got a demerit for it. YOU HAVE RISKED EVERYTHING FOR YOUR ART AND WE SALUTE YOU!!!!! Remember this, that even after that combover dick manager has transferred you to "meat department custodial" and you are shoveling up ground beef bits at 12:30 a.m.,

WE WILL REMEMBER WHAT YOU DID!!!!

 

and for the rest of you numbskulls, you might enjoy that some old Halloween-themed posts have reappeared in new glossy, revised, collector's edition form (complete with BONUS GIFS!!!) on my website, which google-analytics tells me has been visited by as many as sevens of people in a single month:

 

http://www.terrachimp.com/

 

I will try to keep them coming over the next six weeks, weirdos.  Here's a taste of the wonders available so far:

 

001.jpgil_570xN.371178168_tljq.jpg8d8155cc317c02e620b83512680a4c8b_wix_mp_

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Piranesi, I can't help but crack up at that Count Yorga statue.

If only there were some THING-like creature that showed up in the actual film.

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Did anyone see the trailer for The Witch? It looks pretty fucking good.  I will watch that. I will watch Crimson Peak. I'm not sold on Green Inferno. It looks goofy.

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Yeah, I posted it in the upcoming movies thread. It looks phenomenal but doesn't come out until next year.

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I took my daughter to K-Mart, where they have an array of skeleton rats, cats, and dogs, all with hinged jaws. When we left, I can neither confirm nor deny that one of the cats was biting a dog on the butt.

Plus, she's picked out her costume: a Dia de los Muertos honeybee.

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I don't know about contests, but I'm going to start setting up the Havoc this weekend, probably Sunday.

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Anyone know how the Big Lots output for Halloween looks? The nearest one is a bit out of the way, but they usually have decent stuff ... if not, I'd rather not waste the trip.

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I'm the Merchandising Manager for a Big Lots, and we've already moved on to Christmas. Unless the store near you got way more/better stuff than we did I wouldn't go out of your way if it's a hike to get there.

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Anyone know how the Big Lots output for Halloween looks? The nearest one is a bit out of the way, but they usually have decent stuff ... if not, I'd rather not waste the trip.

 

Dollar Tree, my friend.  All the Chinese wares for a dollar each! :lol:

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Got this today for my wife:

 

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It's a pen...that does this:

 

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Which is great in itself...but particularly great because it gives me a chance to display the elegance and subtlety that you've all come to expect from this thread.

 

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WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING??? THIS IS MY LEVEL OKAY!!!

 

PRESEASON ENDS IN THREE DAYS

 

This message brought to you by

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