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Posted

Really the only appropriate guy to do today as I can barely feel my fingers as I type this.

Stupid Smarch weather

 

 

http://youtu.be/miBXkAlGN9A

 

And apparently - Ray Lloyd is still working the indies... at least as of 18 months ago

 

Posted

Glacier was part of the chain of evidence that proved that any wrestler can be made to look awesome when he uses the Asian Spike as a submission finisher.

 

 

IT'S THE ICEPICK, BITCHES~!

Posted

I miss Perry Saturn's WCW run.   Dean Malenko may have had 1000 holds and Chris Jericho may have had 1004, but Perry had like ten thousand finishers.  Today I will use the Rings of Saturn, tomorrow, the Death Valley Driver, next week an Avalanche Release German Suplex or a Top Rope Elbow Drop, the week after that the Moss Covered Three Handled Family Credenza..

  • Like 1
Posted

I thought there was a match where Fit Finlay beat the shit out of Glacier and looked to no avail. Dammit. 

 

Glacier was so WCW, it was one of their supremely lame gimmicks that even as a kid you never bought. He was basically Lenny Lane with makeup, suit, and a light show. At least Mortis had a skull mask and cool moves.

 

The Rings of Saturn is still the #1 submission finisher NO-FUCKING-BODY EVER EVER EEEEEEVER uses. 

 

EDIT: And speaking of seasonal wrestlers and Malenko, did we already do him? Because he was "the Iceman"...

Posted

My fondest memory of Chikara's King of Trios 2008 finals was my friend starting a "Blood Runs Cold" chant that popped Glacier big time and got the rest of the crowd to follow suit, making Glacier one of the most over guys that night. You could tell he was beyond pleasantly surprised.

  • Like 1
Posted

I think Iceberg from NWA Anarchy was going to team with Snow/Glacier (GET IT?) at KOT that year but he no-showed for whatever reason.

Posted

I think Iceberg from NWA Anarchy was going to team with Snow/Glacier (GET IT?) at KOT that year but he no-showed for whatever reason.

 

It was unseasonably warm that weekend.

  • Like 2
Posted

The entrance video didn't show it well, but Chikara did the snow effect by having the dude on the ladder pouring instant mashed potato flakes into the fan.  It was fantastic.

  • Like 1
Posted

I got nuthin' much to say that everyone else hasn't already said.  Limited performer, ridiculously prolonged gimmick that was ripped off of a video game that was already obsolete by the time they were doing it.  And since this is WCW, they stuck with it and tried and and tried and tried and failed.  I'm glad that he's a good enough sport to mock all that bullshit Chikara-stylz.  

And as a footnote, he was in one of those TERRIBLE wrestling-centric movies that Kurt Angle keeps appearing in (digression: holy shit, Pro Wrestlers vs Zombies was unfairly bad!), a long slow horrible movie called River of Darkness...

 

...yeah, I reviewed it, I reviewed the SHIT out of it.  I got nothing else for his forgettable spin-kicky in-ring career (I don't think I ever asked Jim Mitchell a single Glacier question when we were briefly hanging out together), so here's my phoned-in content.  

 

River of Darkness: 1/10
Holy fucking shit, this was BAD. Worse than I expected. And considering that this movie stars no less thanfour professional wrestlers, I was already expecting it to be really bad. River of Darkness is a downright embarrassment, made by people displaying a humiliating lack of talent. There is not one single moment in this entire godforsaken “film” (shot on cheap video) which displays even a rudimentary competence in the art of cinematic craft. Its laughable script is the worst I’ve seen in recent memory; and this is coming from a guy who rewatched Nic Cage’s The Wicker Man just yesterday. 

Our tale takes place in a generic small town situated on, guess what, a river. Some mysterious murders happen. The local sheriff (Kurt Angle) investigates the murders, very poorly, while the body count racks up. And that’s pretty much the entire story. Oh, there are subplots, sure: the killers are apparently some ghosts, back from the dead (played by Kevin Nash and Psycho Sid!), who were unjustly murdered by a lynch mob thirty years ago. And there’s some stuff about a local redneck dumbass (Ray “Glacier” Lloyd) who wants to take the law into his own hands. And some stuff which really doesn’t fit into the plot at all, about a team of college kids on a ghost-hunting expedition. It all blends together about as seamlessly as a ten-car pileup. 

The most noteworthy thing about this wretched, wretched flick is how fucking terrible the acting is. I mean, the wrestlers are nowhere near the worst performers here. I don’t know if writer-director Bruce Koehler is just THAT poor at coaching his actors, or if he simply didn’t know any professional thespians, but either way it’s an astounding smorgasbord of shitty line readings and wooden emoting all up and down the board. You could damn near make comparisons to The Room, it’s seriously that bad. Kurt Angle tries his best as the alleged hero (he never actually accomplishes anything), but he’s given so little to work with that he couldn’t possibly save this crap even if he had Marlon Brando‘s level of ability. 

The script… oh man, I don’t even know how to describe how unbelievably awful it is. The story has deep problems, we’ll get to that in a minute, but let’s start with the dialogue. HO BOY THIS FUCKING DIALOGUE. It legitimately invites comparisons to the work of Ed Wood. It’s so awkward and phony, never ever sounding like anything a real human being would utter. People never say the natural thing, instead torturously reciting exposition to each other in a robotic fashion. Do you remember the lady dispatcher from Twin Peaks, who always spent way too long explaining everything in endless run-on sentences? Everyone in this goddamn movie is like that. And it’s got a bizarre fetish for constantly saying names, too. “Call Bob. You know Bob, at Bob’s Boat Yard. Bob will help me. Bob? Hey Bob, I need your help Bob. Okay Bob? Bob. Great, Bob! Bob, thanks, Bob. Bob. Bob. BOB.” Over and over and over again. 

And then there’s the plot holes, oh the plot holes! Including, but not limited to: why are the vengeful spirits killing a bunch of random innocent people who have no connection to them at all? How has the town sheriff, who’s apparently lived here all his life, never heard of a triple-homicide which occurred during his lifetime? After several serial killings over the course of several days, why do no outside investigators come to help this town’s massive police force of a whole two cops? Why does nobody treat the cops like cops, routinely breaking the law in front of them or aiming guns at them or flatly refusing to answer important questions or other bullshit which would get anyone locked up? And what the fuck was with that final plot twist?! Not only was it nonsensical, but I’m not even sure what it was supposed to mean, it was explained so clumsily. 

This low budget film is one of those amateur-hour exercises where you notice that they seem to spend a lot of time watching people getting into and out of cars. Literally half the scenes in the film either start with someone driving up, or end with someone driving off, filmed in agonizingly slow real time. That’s always a common symptom of the very worst amateur films, when they spend so much time on entrances and exits which are so fucking banal. The movie might have been funny in a so-bad-it’s-good sort of way, but it moves at such an unbelievably slow pace that there’s no joy to be found here. Even at a measly 84 minutes, it’s very padded and dragged out much longer than it can sustain. It’s basically a Tales From the Crypt episode stretched out to feature length. And then, when the end mercifully came, I found myself howling in disbelieving laughter when the end credits scrolled backwards, coming down from the top of the screen. That says it all, man.

 

 

EDIT: and apparently Ray Lloyd has starred in a few OTHER looks-freaking-awful horror movies, as per his IMDB page, and even had a guest role on Burn Notice of all ironically-titled things.  I dunno what his acting skills are, but I certainly wish him the best in his future endeavors.  

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