The Grindhouse Report

[OSJ]

If it had some kung-fu it would be perfect.

[piranesi]

Well if you need some Jackie Chan-esque risk taking, H.B. Halicki died at the beginning of filming of GONE IN 60 SECONDS 2 when a stunt when wrong and a telephone pole fell on him.

 

 

He had personally purchased over 400 vehicles to wreck in that movie.

[nate]

I would purchase a Videohound-sized book of reviews of B-Movie TV type films, written by you, dude.  Seriously.

[OSJ]

9 minutes ago, nate said:

I would purchase a Videohound-sized book of reviews of B-Movie TV type films, written by you, dude.  Seriously.

We have found the Joe Bob Briggs for this century.

[piranesi]

I keep stumbling onto amazing things I'd never heard of...this time again on Bizarre TV (Roku).

I see some grimy c. 1970 footage of New York Harbor and think NEW YORK RIPPER? But no, the title comes up

 

"Sweet Trash" (1970)

It actually took awhile to find anything about this online as it seems to be of less interest than most grindhouse films.  It's not horror or blaxploitation or kung fu, but the less interesting today real grindhouse...a movie whose main purpose is to display some burlesque dancing and some slow humping of hairy naked 1970s people. This is the real grindhouse stuff that we forget about...one of the endless stream of "Naughty Ingrid" "Swedish Stewardesses" blah blah blah sex movies that kept the grindhouses going before there was like porn everywhere.

I usually don't bother...but there was something so amazing about the opening scene.  This goofy balding, super hairy middle aged dude is grindhouse grinding away on this lady.

We find out she's a prostitue as she starts talking about the club she works at and how this guy is so cool and good at sex stuff that she could get him work.  He asks her if he could get arrested and she tells him some of her connections that would make sure that won't happen.

She's really gorgeous too...And she's nice and a real stratigh-talker and I'm thinking "There may be more to this.  I like this dame."

And then out of nowhere the guy pulls a gun a shoots her.  As she lays there gasping and dying he kneels down next to her and says "You see we got this computer now and it analyzes problems and it told me to find out if you know too much and if you talk too much and then I should decide what to do.  Well, you know too much.  And you talk too much.  Sorry, baby."

And I'm like..."Holy shit am I in!" A computer...a 1970 computer..being used by some shadowy mafioso group to decide who lives and dies!!!!

And then we go to this mansion where a messenger lady comes in with a portfolio of papers and this old dude immediately takes off her dress and starts making out with her while all these other people stroll by.  There is no reason for this but to keep the film distributor happy.  It happens and then they stop and get on with the actual scene.  He looks at the papers and says the computer ahs determined they need new hitman, one who is strong but naive and easy to dupe.

"Like so much sweet trash...a prize loser with a specific attitude toward his work, his women, his friends."

This is literally only the third or fourth line of dialog and my mind is spinning at the coolness of this.  In it's way it is Seijun Suzuki-like...clearly a writer/director was given a small budget and the order "give us a sex scene or nudity every 8 minutes and we don't give a damn about the rest". and so through sheer style and panache and a masterful eye for how to create a strange, twisted plot with almost no actual dialog and having to constantly divert the action to sex and/or stripping...but without it feeling outside the "world" he's creating.

There is a kind of genius to this.

I mean, the decor and clothes. So much thought into them, into finding cool looking locations to give this thing a feel beyond cheap softcore porn. It reminds me a bit of Abel Ferrara in that over the course of a fragmented plot that amounts to almost nothing we get to meet a dozen cool or weird or goofy characters and see a bunch of different characterful snapshots of New York. 

The dupe they find is a drunk but nice longshoreman. His life and apartment is a chaos of rundown peole and rundown places. His mom sleeps on a foldout bed in his kitchen where his friend also brings women to have sex with it.  It's cozy and demented all at once. He has a 1930s windup Phonograph player right there in the kitchen next to the sink. These details make all the difference.

The changes in decor from space to space are shocking in terms of color, from the grim but homey little shanty apartment to the Mafia's "waiting room" which is Kubrick-like in its garishness.

 

Part of the fun is that it plays out like a little travel book of all the different kinds of places tucked away in New York in 1970.  Like Julius Knipl: Real Estate Photographer but with much much much more nudity.

When the dupe decides to say "fuck you" and go rogue it becomes a simple tale of the mafia trying to kill him for defying them.  Very Suzuki-like in fact, but with lots and lots of Irish people.

and of course lots and lots of jailbait humping

 

So the writer/director in question is named John Hayes. Among aficionados he does seem to be something of a legend. Tarantino has singled out his GRAVE OF THE VAMPIRE and JAILBAIT BABYSITTER as influences.  He seems to have had a special knack for making creative movies in a wide range of genres within the grindhouse circuit: Westerns, War movies, horror, mob films.  All with ambitious plots that somehow unfold within the confines of "You get five lines of dialog between people taking their clothes off."

He is also a genuinely good director.

He knows how a camera is supposed to move and how to edit a scene to give it rhythm and narrative. And as absurd as the plot is, he manages to create strange characters who have real dimensions to them.  like, we see the main villain exactly twice in the first hour of the movie and one of those times is a sex scene...and yet I have a strong sense that he is both ruthless and completely out of his mind, surrounding himself in a kind of stuffy delicate formality while running drugs and prostitutes and engaging in sudden occasional bouts of bizarre sexual role play with a stable of "kept girls."

Tell me this doesn't scream "Seijun Suzuki!"

 

Be careful, there is a version on Youtube that cuts a bunch of scenes including this amazing one where the hero meets and wanders the night city with another drunk, a Puerto Rican lady. It's like a scene from MIDNIGHT IN PARIS...until a bunch of longshoremen working for the mob show up and murder her...That's Grindhouse.

There is a nice article about him on the Fandor website that is definately worth a read.  Apparently he is still a fairly mysterious figure and many of his films are considered lost. 

https://www.fandor.com/keyframe/breaking-the-hayes-code

He was also nominated for an Oscar for an early short film...and he got to work once with Christopher Lee "who played a priest overseeing a convent of nuns—but really they’re all space aliens—in 1977’s End of the World,":

 

I think I have a new favorite director. If you need an excuse to enjoy the pleasantly rounded and naturally...downy....bodies of your grandparents generation...now you have one! And you can pretend it's because of "The Cinema."

[odessasteps]

For a second, ithought that was patrick mcgoohan.

[piranesi]

2 minutes ago, odessasteps said:

For a second, ithought that was patrick mcgoohan.

They had him lined up but then he wouldn't put on the school girl outfit.

 

[piranesi]

It turns out Patrick McGoohan guy was actually named Duncan McLeod.

 

DUNCAN MCLEOD!!!! THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!!

 

And he was in both BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS and BILL AND TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE

[bazzil]

On 3/19/2017 at 2:51 PM, piranesi said:

If you've never heard of the rarely seen 1987 goofy-ass gore and trash fest called BLOOD DINER I would highly advise you to find and watch as soon as possible.

There is an entire scene a character that appears to be a 3 ft tall mannequin of a Mexican goucho who's face/mouth do not even pretend to move when he speaks and this is never explained.  

 

I just watched this amazing movie (its 1am Sunday here in Australia so that gives you an indication as to the type of life I live) and while I'm almost ashamed to be trying to make sense of this I think his voice is supposed to be done by the chef he's with. when the cops are talking to him there is a few seconds where the Mexican puppet is 'talking' and they show the soon-to-be-hand-less chefs mouth moving slightly.

 

[piranesi]

It's 1987.

Fade up on the dingy, barely furnished offices of Overseas Film, a company that would eventually amass a catalog of three movies and then fold within two years. Sitting in front of the producer's desk are young actor/writer Jeff Moldova who recently took the industry by storm with his work as "deputy No. 2" in the t.v. movie Vengeance: The Story of Tony Cimo. Next to him sits Randy Grinter whose entire resume reads "Key Grip: Sometimes Aunt Martha Does Dreadful Things"

What could possibly convince you to give these two idiots your money?

Let's listen in to their pitch.

    "Okay, you take the Canonball Run concept of broad stereotype casting gathering together in teams, but instead of a car race...ready?....

 

...it's a paintball tournament."
    
     "Yeah. Like Enter the Dragon but everyone is really good at paintball playing. Like the best paintball players IN THE WORLD!"

    "In the world?"

     "Well, in Florida."
    
     "Paintball is that hot?"
    
     "Oh my GOD, DUDE!!! It's THE WAVE OF THE FUTURE! There's a paintball center in Van Nuys. It's like everywhere! By the way remind me to tell you about a really great investment opportunity in Van Nuys when we're done with this."
    
      "But they're not called "paintball players" they're called 'blasters' because that's the culture. You gotta know the culture."
      
      "We've done a lot of research on the culture."
      
       "Then you add a slasher killer/whodunit component!"
       
       "Will there be lots of hillbillies?"
       
       "How many can you take?"
       
       "I can take a lot of hillbillies."
       
       "Done."
       
       "Ninjas?"
       
       "One."
       
       "Overt racism?"
       
       "Why? Is that a minus for you?"
       
       "Not at all."
       
       "Then we're good."
       
       "Will there be hot guitar licks blazing constantly?"
       
       "Is it 1987?"
       
       "You know it!"
       
       "So wadda you think?"
       
        "Almost sold. Do you have a poster?"
        
      
        
        "Oh God. Is that a gun made out of hillbilly woman?"

        "A paintball gun made out of hillbilly woman."

         "Do you see that pile of money? I just orgasmed hundreds of thousands of dollars I made selling bootleg depeche mode cassettes for you to use on this project."
        
        "Hundreds of thousands? Dude, We need like 10% of that."
        
        "You don't want it?"
            
        "Don't need it. Here we already mocked up some proof of concept stills."
            
              
                
                  
        
            "Whoa."
            
            "Yeah. And this is our lead."
            
              
                    
        
        "Oh. Oh, god! yeah, that looks terrible.  Here let me just scoop most of that money back up."
        
        "Good call, Broheimer."

        "Do you have a director?"

        "Yeah! Well...we have a stunt guy who says he can direct. He's so cool too. He did stunts in, like The Terminator and TRON and Sharky's Machine! He's so badass."
        
        "Okay, but has he ever directed anything?"
        
        "Huh? Nah."

        "nothing?"

        ".....

 

        ......nah."

        "Has he ever done any 2nd unit directing at least?"
        
        "Oh, yeah!"

        "Anything I might have seen?"
        
        "Uh...I think so. Just a little thing called Soggy Bottom U.S.A."

        "....."

        "No? Nothing? I really thought you would have heard of that. Ok, how about HIGH SCHOOL U.S.A.?"

        "WITH MICHAEL J. FOX, NANCY MCKEON, AND TODD BRIDGES?"

        "THE SAME!"

        "THE MOVIE WHERE TODD BRIDGES INVENTS A ROBOT????"

      "YOU KNOW IT!!!!"

      "CAN I MEET THE ROBOT?"

      "The robot was pretty obviously a laundry basket on top of another laundry basket. It's not real."

        "Can I meet Todd Bridges?"

         "We'll need to get him a day pass.'

         "Get me a meet with Bridges and I'm in."
        
    three weeks later:

 

    
                    
        
                        
       

[nate]

An entire book, dude.

[(BP)]

High School U.S.A.

Soggy Bottom U.S.A.

What was it about the 70s/80s audiences that they needed to be reassured the movies took place in America? The Cold War? The elderly's concerns about the creeping revenge of the Kaiser through infiltrating popular entertainment? 

[piranesi]

In defense of one of those, if you left off the U.S.A. people wouldn't be sure if it was a place or if they were there to watch some seriously weird fetish movie.

They could have maybe gone with "Soggy Bottom Prefecture" or "Sovereign Village of Soggy Bottom" or Unincorporated Soggy Bottom County".

Looking at the cast list it looks stacked:

Don Johnson

P.J. Soles

Brion James

Jack Elam

Anthony Zerbe

Dub Taylor

The lady that used to chase Jack Tripper around on Three's Company

The guy who was Perry White on Lois & Clark

The guy who was Dr. Silbrman in all the Terminator movies "There are 215 bones in the human body."

[(BP)]

Has anyone seen The Incredible Melting Man? I wonder if the movie lives up to the amazing  line, "He seems to be getting stronger the more he melts!" 

 

[piranesi]

2 hours ago, (BP) said:

Has anyone seen The Incredible Melting Man? I wonder if the movie lives up to the amazing  line, "He seems to be getting stronger the more he melts!" 

 

 

[piranesi]

B Movie TV brings the goods tonight by playing the legendary unreleased work print (that finally leaked in 2007 or so onto Youtube as a "fan cut") of GRIZZLY II (1983).

Since there is no poster for this unreleased film, I give you instead a GIF of a stunt man in a bear head laughing while the FUCKING WOLRD BURNS!!!!

TOP A THE WORLD, MA!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

 

This is the stuff of legends, my friends.  The attempted sequel to the surprise Indie hit of 1976, GRIZZLY (naturally), this aborted monstrosity was talked about in hushed tones by VHS collectors for years as existing in some form obtainable from some weirdo with ties to Eastern European gun runners. Now it's out there...IT"S OUT THERE!!!

Yes, it is only a workprint, which only adds to the exotic allure.  There are moments in the finale when you can hear the Hungarian director (hired secretly by the producer to film these scenes cheaply in Hungary) yell "action" and "cut."

But beyond that it is amazing for many many reasons.  Somehow this horrifically no-budget sequel to a low-budget drive-in cheapy stars:

Jonathan "Indy? Indy!" Rhys-Davies who plays the "Quint" if this were compared to JAWS which is a bit like saying that Steven Seagal is the "greatest of all time" if "eating deep fried cookie dough" is compared to "being Michael Jordan."

 

Louise "Nurse Ratchet" Fletcher (Oscar Winner)

Deborah FREAKING Foreman (Pre Valley-Girl)

FREAKING ADORABLE!!!!

GEORGE CLOONEY (Pre literally everything)

LAURA DERN (16 years old...asked to do a nude scene...her father Bruce denies threatening to kill the director)

teenage Laura Dern tries to be "sexy" by scratching her butt in front of George Clooney.

 

CHARLIE SHEEN (reportedly turned down KARATE KID to be in this ON THE ADVICE OF HIS FATHER!!!)

YNGWIE MALMSTEEN!!!!! (supposedly allegedly, but I didn't see him)

file footage of Yngwie slaying a three-headed dragon with his detachable penis flames.

 

What in the actual hell????

Also, there is never really a grizzly because the mechanical bear they built didn't work so they scrapped all that footage and were not able to complete finding a substitute...

And, yes, the producer disappeared with all the money and showed up in jail a few months later somewhere in like Yugoslavia...

And yes, the working soundtrack for the print is tracks from Michael Jackson's THRILLER...

But really, the reason to watch this is the concert that the bear attacks at the end.  Apparently, the producer could not get permits to film in America so he left his director without telling him and went to Hungary, ARRANGED AN ACTUAL MUSIC FESTIVAL TO FILM...and film he did...there was a lot of movie to fill since large chunks of the footage they had filmed was useless...live mics, no mixing...it sounds like this:

 

That horror show is courtesy of Toto Coelo, archetypal New Wave one hit group who charted at #8 in the UK and #66 in America with this track:

This is seriously the best Thatchers bloody Britain could do. Theresa May? We're looking at you!

According to legend, the producer handed the script to his Hungarian caterer who rewrote it. The result is that the movie is basically a 1/2 hour of prelude and then a very long and amazing concert film of the Hungarian pop music scene c. 1983...with bear cameo.

Here's a little bit more of what they sounds/looks like (technically this is "rehearsal" footage but still...I think you'll enjoy it).

 

Since this isn't technically a finished movie I can only give it two large bear puppets begging to be killed rather than appear in this move out of a possible three.

But that's not too bad, friends. Not. too. bad.

 

 

[nate]

B-Movie TV is taking my request and playing

Spookies

tomorrow night at 8pm, and I'm psyched.

[FluffSnackwell]

On ‎5‎/‎6‎/‎2017 at 11:11 PM, piranesi said:

B Movie TV brings the goods tonight by playing the legendary unreleased work print (that finally leaked in 2007 or so onto Youtube as a "fan cut") of GRIZZLY II (1983).

Since there is no poster for this unreleased film, I give you instead a GIF of a stunt man in a bear head laughing while the FUCKING WOLRD BURNS!!!!

TOP A THE WORLD, MA!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

 

 

 

Holy jesus, is that Alf? Benevolent visitor from the planet Melmac my ass.

[piranesi]

 

Click for NIGHTMARE BEACH!!!!

 

Spoiler

I can summarize most of what you need to know about the fantastic NIGHTMARE BEACH (1988)

 

with two lines of dialog from the script:

Number 1:

Quote

"You live here alone?"
"My sister used to live here with me...until she was murdered."
"What? Did they ever catch him?"
"They electrocuted him last year. But he vowed to rise again and get revenge on Spring Break."
"Huh. Wow."
"Yeah..."

Number 2:

Quote

"Stop being such a wank! Let's Party!!!" [cut to a wet t-shirt contest. Musical cue - hair metal]

I shouldn't have to even say anything else to convince you to watch this. But I got nothing else in my life so here goes.

This trailer is in Italian but you will understand every moment:

 

- It is an 80s Spring Break movie and that is pretty good.
- But it is also an 80s slasher and that is even better
- and it is also partially Italian giallo with a lot of amazing fantastic hair metal and that is glorious
- and you know what? It is also a pretty dark and sardonic movie that it amazingly on the nose for 1988.

1988...If you haven't seen the fantastic documentary SPRING BROKE, I'll tell you this is two years after MTV stormed Fort Lauterdale and turned Spring Break from a local cash cow into an international militarized douche industrial complex. It's also two years after the annual Spring Break death tolls became a thing as drunk bros fell to their deaths by the dozens every year trying to dive into hotel swimming pools.

 

 

So by '88 it was time for some serious reflection.  And in America that meant it was time for a Spring Break slasher movie and Umberto Lenzi...yes the CANNIBAL FEROX and NIGHTMARE CITY guy was just Italian enough to make it happen...although he didn't end up directing he was on set throughout as a "consultant."

Make no mistake, despite the fantastically mid 80s USA look of much of the opening Spring Break scenes,

 

this movie has the glorious garlicy stink of Italian cinema all over it. The music is by Claudio Simonetti (DEEP RED, SUSPIRIA). The characters have wicked deep backstories and there are so many of them that there is a whodunnit feel where eventually the masked killer begins to stalk the snooping protagnists back.

I mean, it starts as a slasher, with a biker gang guy getting electric chaired and vowing to come back.

It would seem all you need is to have him kill some teenagers and you're done. That's the American way!

But that's not how giallo works. That is all red-herring for a complex whodunnit in which at least ten people are given various motives for wanting to wreak havoc on SPRING BREAK WHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Also the killer is basically accompanied by a dastardly halo of prog metal keyboard squeeling, which is a huge giveaway as to what film dialect we are in here.

But before we go any further I need to mention some neat cast stuff which includes:

John Saxon because OF COURSE JOHN SAXON IS IN THIS!!

Lance Legault (also known as "we couldn't get Martin Landau but I know this guy...")

Lance Legault played the evil Col. Decker who was constantly being outwitted by THE A-TEAM...So royalty, basically.
YES THAT IS GEORGE PEPPARD"S BEAUTIFYL BEGLOVED HAND!!!!!!

Fred Buck (also known as "we couldn't get Bruce Dern but I know this guy..."

Michael Parks who just passed away about two weeks ago.
You might know him as Earl McGraw, the recurring character in Robert Rodriguez/Quentin Tarantino movies
http://deathvalleydriver.com/forum/index.php?/topic/5735-in-memoriam-2017/&do=findComment&comment=645688

Here is in FROM DUSK TIL DAWN.

 

- The lead guy, the all-american quarterback who sucks at football was played by an Italian dude who would go on to be a pretty solid editor, working on some big action movies including LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD

- And the lead girl, Sarah Buxton, went on to do a lot of soap opera work, but I only mention that because I want you to see her.

Holy shit! She should be seducing James Bond, not some dimwit college mimboi!

And, just because he's the best...Buffy Dee who played one of the happy-go-lucky call girl's gross clients.  Buffy Dee was a Miami club owner and sometime drummer for Carmen Cavalliaro's "lounge piano band."

he looked like this.

 

and this...

 

 

and this...

 

Buffy Dee! If I asked you to draw a cartoon of a "Miami club owner" you would likely draw a big fat circle, put a little head on it and put it in a striped suit of some kind...and you would have drawn Buffy Dee.

Dude lived to be 72!

But beyond that...guys...

THERE IS SO MUCH GOING ON IN THIS MOVIE!!

- The mayor is a standard "cover everything up so we don't fuck up Spring Break" mayor.
- The Police chief meanwhile is a power hungry thug with a BDSM fetish who keeps pictures of murder victims at home for spank material
- The local coroner is a drunk pill-popping closeted homosexual who buys sex form college guys
- There is a biker gang roaming the streets committing random acts of violence including murder
- But they are also used by the evil police chief to cover up other crimes
- But the biker gangs leader was executed for murder
- But he may have been framed
- But they are very violent and dangerous anyway

- The lead guy is a failed college football quarterback re-evaluating his life
- But he is surrounded by a culture of testosterone and grossness including his best friend who is pretty rapey
- The lead girl's sister was murdered by the biker gang
- Unless they were framed
- But learning her murderer is still out there wakes her up and gives a reason to live and a chance to escape town life

- The preacher believes the biker gang guy is back from the dead
- But he is an insane moralizing weirdo
- But he is right about the revolting exploitation taking over his town
- But his daughter hates him and is cruising Spring Break for sex
- And he is trying to hold onto her but by doing so is losing her

In the midst of all this there are the following running sub-plots

- A hotel manager is a pervert who spies on women in their rooms
But he is also miserably bullied by the horrible Spring Breakers

 

- A really cute girl who sets up a temporary brothel for herself in her hotel room and cavorts with an assortment of gross dudes and who is kind of hilarious and very charming and kind of stole the movie

- A dude who keeps stealing peoples wallets after chatting them up
- a reporter trying to get the mayor to own up to all the violent deaths
- A preacher's daughter trying to break free of her opressive father and him trying desperately to hold onto her
- a failed athlete trying to regain his confidence
- A girl coming to terms with her sister's death
- A town overwhelmed by immorality and money
- a guy who plays practical jokes with gorey makeup
- a running war between a corrupt police department and a biker gang

and in all that I DIDN"T EVEN MENTION THE ACTUAL MAIN STORY...a mysterious biker who goes around burning and electrocuting people to death. Remember that? The slasher in this "slasher" movie? He's almost an afterthought. But he does melt people with his "electrified" bike...

 

so...

 

you know...

 

THIS MOVIE IS INSANELY STACKED!!!! Unlike a lot of shitty slashers, you cannot look away for a second. Because LITERALLY ALL OF THIS IS INTEGRAL TO THE PLOT!!!! IT IS A DELCIATE HOUSE OF CARDS AND IF YOU REMOVE ANY OF THIS THE WHOLE STRUCTURE WILL CRUMBLE!!!!

 

Honest assessment though:

There is a surprising depth to this movie. It manages to be both exploitative of 80s Spring Break-ism with endless shots of bikinied booties strutting to hair metal and poolside boob bobbings, but also takes a sharp stab at the whole cultural moment.

The entire edifice of 80s spring break is presented as a combination of grotesque corporate slobbery and corrupt small town politics. Everyone in the town is either a

1) disgusting pampered douche spring breaker
2) a miserable towny service worker
3) a corrupt town politician or business owner sucking on the teet of Budweiser Lime Cool Breeze Ice whatever.

The lead girl is a bartender and literally murders every drunk dimwit she sees with her gigantic hate-filled eyes.  She's actually pretty great and I love her for that. Meanwhile like every Spring Break kid is literal garbage. There is a guy who is in no fewer than six scenes who never says anything other than "GO GATORS!! WHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

He is us.

The entire thing is infused with this bleak pessimism about the inevitability of "fun" being turned into wretched for-profit stupidity and what that says about the nature of us. No one really fights it or even complains much. Spring Break is as inevitable as any other human-made plague.

But even while it goes after the empty debauchery of the era it also goes after the puritanical zealotry that lived in a symbiosis with it and profitted from condemning it in the proselytizing family values preacher.

But it also parodies the media, breathlessly chasing after stories and pictures of death and drunken violence with feigned outrage, all the while lining their pockets with the ratings gold that results.

Really...there is a lot here...

There are mis-steps. The killer does not focus his energy on the grossest people but instead kills some fairly innocent ones, focusing most his anger on the same random poor dumb girls who are already getting date raped and groped into submission by the Spring Break Inc....There are way more deserving people to kill. This is somewhat explained by the fact that the killer isn't a kind of moral greek chorus speaking on behalf of the audience and bringing justice to the immoral like we might hope him to be, but is instead an asshole in his own right and for his own reasons.

You see...everything is a let down in life. Spring Break. The Spring Break killer. There is no way toward redemption. The empire is dead!

But that doesn't mean that the corrupt don't get killed too. Because of the insane intricacy of the plot, there are as many deaths resulting from "non monster" things as there are from faceless biker guy.

Guys, this is a great movie.  The music is great. Randy Piper fo W.A.S.P. is on there:

 

I have to tell you my hopes were high going into this...and I am happy to report that I can give it:

THREE RICHARD BELZER'S SOMEHOW PLAYING BASS AT A BEACH PARTY OUT OF A POSSIBLE THREE!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

[nate]

My god.

[Curt McGirt]

Was that the Demons logo on the back of the biker's jacket? I mean, given the Italian pedigree, I wouldn't be surprised...

Also, there is no reason this shouldn't be in full on Youtube, yet it isn't.

[piranesi]

Oh god...I mean Oh GOD....frey Ho how I love and hate you Godfrey Ho.

At first I saw the words "directed by Joe Livingstone" and I thought "I have no idea who that is."

But then I saw hopping vampires and thought..."hmmmmmm. Joe Livingstone is an awfully honky name for hopping vampires"

and then I saw this title:

and the words (c) Filmark international LTD.

and I knew instantly that Joe Livingstone was really Godfrey Ho. Calling Godfrey Ho the Roger Corman of Hong Kong does not give Roger credit for the times he actually paid a crew to make a movie instead of cobbling together leftover footage of Boris Karloff getting dressed and Jack Nicholson being stoned.

It turns out Godfrey got hold of some footage of an abandoned hopping vampire movie and an abandoned Robocop ripoff and decided these two could be spliced together if you just called the whole thing Robo Vampire.

It works perfectly! with one glitch.  

Spoiler

THERE IS NO FUCKING ROBO VAMPIRE!!!!

This is a robo guy who is totally a robot and not a guy in a suit made out of those foldable windshield sunscreens.

Check

This is a vampire.

So that's a check.

This is a robot FIGHTING some vampires.

check check check check

There is even a Gorilla vampire!!!!!

That's pretty neat! and, of course, means that eventually a robot will fight a gorilla vampire and that's brilliant planning.

But do you know what none of this is?

A ROBO VAMPIRE!!!!  WHERE THE FUCK IS THE ROBO VAMPIRE IN ROBO VAMPIRE?????

A fucking outrage, Godfrey Ho. I was warned about you Mr. Ho! I was warned and I did not listen. And now here we are.

Look.  Here's the main problem with this movie, apart form it being a huge fucking lie. Any scene that is not a gorilla vampire fighting a robot is useless and there are waaaaaaaaaay to many of those.

I'm afraid I can only give this movie two enraged Gorilla Vampires literally smoking from the head at the indignity of this movie

out of a possible six.

[J.T.]

Quote

Syfy is tapping into the classic grindhouse movie tradition with Blood Drive, which has received a 13-episode straight-to-series order.

The drama, from Universal Cable Prods. and executive producers John Hlavin (Underworld: Awakening) and David Straiton (Bates Motel), who will also direct, is described as a high-octane, over-the-top scripted series set in a near-apocalyptic future that centers around LA’s last good cop who is forced to join a twisted, gory cross-country death race — with cars powered by blood and a dangerous femme fatale partner who sees people as fuel.

James Roland wrote the pilot under Hlavin’s supervision and will serve as supervising producer. Fredrik Malmberg (Conan The Barbarian) and Mark Wheeler will serve as producers.

“This highly stylized roller coaster ride is a throwback to 1970s grindhouse cinema,” said Syfy president Dave Howe. Added UCP president Jeff Wachtel, “The combination of gritty action and dark humor can push the envelope in some fun and unexpected ways.”

Syfy has been ramping up its series slate in the past year or so, often employing the straight-to-series model, including for upcoming alien drama Hunters, also from UCP as well as studio-based producer Gale Anne Hurd, and space opera The Espanse, from Alcon.

In addition to Blood Drive, Hlavin also has pilot Shooter, based on the Mark Wahlberg movie, at USA and UCP.

I expect to see a compact review of the entire series once it concludes, Piranesi.

[piranesi]

Holy SHit. I don't know where else to put this but people need to know!

I subscribe to Night Flight Plus (a very easy $3 a month to spend) and they now have full streaming episodes of Dr. Ruth Westheimer's crazy late night cable call in show from 1990 "On the Air with Dr. Ruth."

This is from that amazing mid./late 80s moment when stations like Lifetime and CNBC would throw crazy ass call in shows on late night to compete with talk radio and they were amazing and almost always about aliens or sex. Pre-internet, my young teen virgin self gobbled these up like I was learning all these secrets directly from porn stars who tended to be the guests.

It was a nightly parade of low-level celebrities and fringe lunatics and then just regular people calling in. CNBC would put any fool on the air with a phone and a couple of chairs to talk about "the female orgasm" or "psychic phenomena" Think Larry King Live but with like 'Adult Film Star Torre Wells" taking calls from teenage boys on what they should do to make a vagina work. It was heaven.

Right now there are 12 full episodes of Dr. Ruth. One has Jerry Seinfeld. One has Anthrax. One has Jackie Mason!!!! One has LL Cool J.

They've also added some old wrestling comps.  Cheapo comps like 1983 Memphis Wrestling Yearbook, Best of Billy Jack haynes, Wrestling Video Magazine: Spring 1981.

 

And a whole section of Larry Hankin stuff. This is added to their Something Weird stuff, some Full Moon things, a ton of music documentaries and concerts, episodes of T.V. party and of course more recently they are adding full episodes of Night Flight WITH THE ORIGINAL COMMERCIALS!!!!

 

Guys, Night Flight Plus is bringing it!

[piranesi]

 

If you care about cinema even a little bit, you need to see the movie enclosed in these spoilers. I'm not effing around, guys.

Spoiler

B Movie TV tonight gives me THE STRANGER (1995)

I was not expecting much based on this poster.

Note: This trailer gives a LOT away.

"Didn't anyone ever teach you not to pick on girls?"

You will notice that in the trailer, a number of scruffy-looking guys call her "bitch." You will also note that all of them end up CHUMPED TO DEATH!!!
 
Here's the thing though. I am not going to dick around. This is the greatest movie I've ever seen. It's a female High Plains Drifter/Pale Rider/The Crow set in the 90s on motorcycles with kickboxing. You shouldn't need more than that and thankfully you don't get more than that. This is not a movie that wastes an ounce of its premise. From the moment it begins it is nothing but a straight arrow from one awesome ass-kicking to the next.

Premise: Dessert town is run by an evil biker gang (who are awesome) led by a guy named "Angel" (who is awesome). Seriously "Angel" is played by Andrew Divoff who looks amazing.

I mean I would watch Andrew Divoff in anything. But LOOK AT THIS:

 

And among his henchmen is a youngish Danny Trejo!

And Nils Allen Stewart.  This is Nils Allen Stewart's head shot:

How badass is that? All the bikers look amazing in that "Bad Guys in Another 48 HOURS" kind of way that 90s bikers do.

Almost instantly a lone biker appears at a gas station right after a young girl seems to pray on her necklace

 

I wish you could hear the score which is a screeching harmonic stolen right from ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST. In fact the entire score is including the high soprano singing in emotional moments and the little fiary tale music that goes with Claudia Cardinale but here for the Stragner's relationship with a feral child (more on that in a second. I know! A feral child! This is getting to be too much for one movie right?)

Here's a little bit, but not the best bit by far.

 

That lady up theree, by the way, is Kathy Long, the epitome of pre-UFC WORLD KARATEE KUMITE BLACK BELT CHAMPION DEMOK KICKBOXING WORLD CHAMPION!!!!!

SPECIAL BATMAN SECTON!!!!!

I'm not going too far into the story, but it is worthy of the High Plains Drifter comparison. Because it's not just ghost lady kicking bikers asses (although that happens at least every 6-8 minutes) but also a bunch of gross townspeople who really mostly aren't worth saving anyways.

- a drunken sheriff whose fiancee was raped/murdered by the bikers and has essentially surrendered his town to them. The sheriff is alternately a cowardly drunk and a moralizing hothead which makes him both nonsensical and interesting.
- Of course the Stranger reminds everybody of his dead fiancee because SHE'S HER FUCKING GHOST HERE FOR REVENGE!!!! YEEEEEAHH!!!!!
- Unlike Pale Rider, her being a ghost does NOT...I REPEAT NOT prevent her from sexing dudes up. She is both a ghost and a fully actualized woman.
- Early 90s Adult Film STAR Ginger Lynn as a skeevy shopkeeper who wants to marry the sheriff and will scheme and stop at nothing to keep her hold on him
-  A literal feral child...which is weird because this is literally happening in America in the 90s and there are like cops and everything but this grim-faced dirty Newt-From-Aliens just skitters in and out of shops nibbling bits of garbage like it's Balde Runner days.

- Seriously what the fuck is up with that feral child thing?
- A big fat mechanic who hides out the Stranger while she wreaks havoc on the town. He's awesome because he is played by one of the greatest fat guys of all time Andre Rosey Brown

- A corrupt deputy and mayor who scheme with Ginger Lynn to kill the Stranger to appease the gang and keep their hold on the town
- The sheriff is pretty corrupt too but seems to be saveable
- The mayor is also maybe dealing on the side with the bikers or something

Seriously there is a lot going on here and it is shockingly unpredictable and interesting if not always logical. Like characters shift from emotion to emotion on the turn of a dime but it keeps you watching. And if you watch you get to see what really matters...and that is awesome skeezy biker dudes getting FUCKING CHUMPED by a lady kickboxer!

Like she straight up murders two fools in her first scene. The first guy's first line of dialog was:

[to other biker while eating moon pie] "Hey, you wanna moon pie?"

In fact you can still see him holding his moon pie while she FUCKING CHUMPS HIM and eventually NECK SNAPS HIM TO DEATH!!!

All while delivering awesome burns like
"You wouldn't know what or who killed those two cats would you?"
"Curiosity."

BOOOMMMM!!!! SHIT!!!!!

Remember guys calling her a bitch? Her usual reply is "My name is not bitch." Followed immediately by
 

CHUMPING FOOLS TO DEATH!!!!

and...

"You've been here less than six hours and I got four dead bodies. What's you're side of the story."

"They messed with me. I killed them. The end."

 

At one point when she questions the sheriff she does that thing that dudes always do to helpless ladies in shitty movies where she basically slowly molests him with her knife, running it across his tender vulnerable trembling flesh

 

and they go:

"I don't know if you want to Kill me or take me to bed."
"That could be dangerous."
"So which is it."
"I'll let you know."

 

And when the whiny drunk sheriff who for some reason gets to do sex stuff with her finally mans up and joins forces with her...it's awesome because they go to take on the gang and she's like

"Are you ready for your assignment?"
and he's like

"Yeah!"

and she straight up punches him out to keep him out of the way because SHE DOESN"T NEED THAT TWITTY LITTLE TWIG IN THE WAY WHILE SHE FUCKING CHUMPS A THOUSAND FOOLS!!!!

Like she hangs their bodies on the porch as a taunt to Divoff! One of the random bikers has this inexplicable monolog where he laments having given up his former life as a college educated law school dropout with a wife and family who became fascinated with the biker lifestyle. It's stunning and strange and destabilizing.

There are so many great little touches like that but at the same time it is gloriously formula and delivers everything you want going in.

Note: It was directed by the guy who directed Children of the Corn
Also note: The guy who wrote it is now writing THE EXPENDABLES 4...so put that on your calendar because IT CAN"T GO WRONG!!!!

In short. This movie is perfect. You cannot find it soon enough and watch it enough times enough. Do not search Youtube because the version on there is one of those unfocused, cropped-up-to-avoid-DMCA versions. And you need to see this in at least 4:3 glory of a solid VHS tape.

I give this the highest possible rating which is: FOUR AWESOMELY 90s BIKERS EATING A MOON PIE JUST BEFORE CALLING A GHOST KICKBOXER THE B WORD AND GETTING CHUMPED TO DEATH out of four