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Okay, I knew that Emanuelle herself, Laura Gemser, was a costume designer, but ... seeing her name as costume designer for "Troll 2?"  That was my weird random credid observation for the day.

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On 4/5/2016 at 9:06 AM, nate said:

Okay, I knew that Emanuelle herself, Laura Gemser, was a costume designer, but ... seeing her name as costume designer for "Troll 2?"  That was my weird random credid observation for the day.

She did costumes for  a Fulci movie even.  I mean I don't know if that's a big thing...I always just assumed he told everyone to bring their own clothes that they didn't mind being ruined.

 

Also note: After like six months of running the trailer I finally am getting to see ANGEL TOWN on B movie tv. OLIVIER GRUNIER IS JUST A HUMBLE KICKBOXER WHO IS HAUNTED BY FLASHBACKS OF HIS TEMPER LEADING TO HIS TEACHER'S DEATH AND AFTER DEDICATING HIMSELF TO WINNING THE OLYMPICS TO REDEEM HIMSELF JUST WANTS TO COME TO AMERICA AT THE AGE OF 30 TO HUMBLY STUDY ENGINEERING AT EAST L.A. UNIVERSITY AND TO PHONETICALLY READ HIS DIALOG TWO ONE-SYLLABLE WORDS AT A TIME!!!

HE NEVER WANTED TO GET INVOLVED IN YOUR DAMN GERALDO-ERA GANG WAR VATO!!!!

The fight scenes in this are terrible.  But the upside is they can't go more than 3 or 4 mintues without one.  Like Olivier Grunier is literally fighting this hispanic gang in the afternoon when he rents a room.  And then again at school.  And then again walking home later that night.  Then he wakes up and leaves the house and fights them again pausing only long enough to pick up an old lady and carry her around for awhile leading to a big fight between him and the gang.  Then he gets to school and fights his professor (intellectually!) and another student (physically). And then he stops for lunch and fights the gang for awhile.  has a nice evening out where he defends his date against the gang.  Then head's home for a gang fight and some shuteye.

It's amazing.  I've been watching for about 20 minutes and somehow I think I've seen 13 or 14 fights...terrible terrible french kick fights.  This movie is like a paradox that would tear Donald Trump apart.  I mean, terrible Mexican-types are getting beaten up constantly.  But by a French immigrant college student.

Oh, shit.  Joe Pesci's wife form RAGING BULL is somehow in this thing.  And Rain from BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA and Mark Dacascos as someone's driver in like his first movie role.

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B Movie TV never fails to hit me with something random I've never seen before but which is amazing.

Tonight I turn it on and see Bill Paxton flying a tiny little like glider thing with a prisoner handcuffed in back.  His voice is driving me crazy until I realize it's BOB FUCKING PECK From JURASSIC PARK ("Clerver girl..."). 

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I have literally never been so excited to see someone in a movie.  There is no way this or any movie could top Bob PecHOLYSHIT MARK FUCKING HAMILL IS IN THIS MOVIE!!!!!

slptasker.jpg

 

He looks absolutely badass.  He is amazing as a presence.  MARK HAMILL IS JUMPING AROUND SHOOTING GUNS AND KILLing PEOPLE!!!!  I think he just killed Robbie Coltrane! GOOD FOR YOU MARK HAMILL!!!

What in the fuck is happening????????

Mark Hammill has a tiny little computer that looks a lot like a label maker and he is sending reports about something.  He seems to be hunting humans because they are horrible and I tend to agree..but then what is he???  DON"T SAY MIDICLORIANS!!!! A vampire?  An alien? A robot?

I finally found this on IMDB....The movie is called SLIPTSTREAM

MV5_BMTAz_NTk5_Mzgx_MDRe_QTJe_QWpw_Z15_BEveryone's heads are turning into wind because wind is somehow a big part of this.

and it's from 1989 and Bill Paxton has a stunning home perm. 

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I think he's trying to look like Jason Patric trying to look like Jim Morrison but he ends up in roughly the same place as Dolph Ziggler.  Unacceptable. 

1989!  Before it was like a song or something it was a year!  I was still in high school and no one believed in dinosaurs yet or that DNA existed or that Newman could work a computer.  But all that happened and so did this movie.

So Bob Peck is wanted for murder?? and Bill Paxton is a bounty hunter, maybe? Bob Peck has the power to heal people by magic or just by really fast surgery????.  In this world most people seem to fly around in balloons? or maybe they live in balloons?  No one is really letting me in on any backstory. Maybe I missed an opening scroll. 

Apparently this is directed by the guy who did TRON and is the movie that literaly broke the career of Gary Kurtz who had co-produced all of Lucas's movies through Empire.  An opening scroll is a strong possibility here.

Mark Hamill's partner is played by Mark Knoplfer's wife.  She's pretty amazing looking.

tumblr_nv1ezcmr_Lu1tl3xo0o1_500.jpgShe's basically Daniel Craig as a woman. Which is confusingly hot.  

I mean unless you're dumb enough to put her next to Mark Hamill in which case she basically looks like a pile of poo because I could stare at Mark Hamill literally forever...LOOK AT MARK HAMILL!!!!!

The main running theme is that Bill Paxton is the most unattractive human to ever walk the earth (if we are on earth, I still can't tell) and an idiot who is incompetent at every aspect of bounty hunting and flying and not getting his ass kicked and not being an annoying presence on screen.  Every time he is on screen I feel like he is the visual depiction of body odor.  Did I mention that he is supposed to be the hero?  Look at how tiny his head is in the poster and tell me they didn't realize too late what a mistake they had made.

Sadly, there is a long stretch with no Mark Hamill which is just stupid. LIke, they do a whole section where everyone who is not Mark Hamill wanders around for, like, ever.  This is a huge mistake and I don't want to keep watching until Mark Hamill is back.

 

UPDATE: Wait is Bob Peck a robot?  This is the most confusing movie I've ever seen.  I don't want to just look it up and read the plot but they are not helping me at all.  Bill Paxton just said that there is a cult that worships the wind.  But they're not the balloon people.  

UPDATE: They have found a weird ballroom where people are drinking champagne in like a bunker under a mountain.  I think this is supposed to be social commentary and this thing is supposed to be like Apocalypse Now but it's really boring like that deleted scene in the French Chateau from Apocalypse Now.  This whole movie feels like a huge reel of deleted scenes from different Bill Paxton movies which is the literal definition of Hell.

 

UPDATE: It's been approximately 487 minutes since the last Mark Hamill sighting.  They are still dancing  This is interminable.  It's like a test to see how much pain I will endure just for more Mark Hamill.  I am ashamed that I have passed the test.  Wait.  they've just upped the difficulty level to "Bill Paxton sex scene."  I don't know if I can make it

 

Update: You're not going to believe this, but there is a scene where Bob Peck is sneaking around a fake "jungle" display pretending to hunt a lady. 

How is that possible?  How did they know?  I am starting to believe this is a fake movie made last year just to fuck with me.

 

UPDATE: Wait did I just see Ben Kingsley AND F. Murray Abraham?  Aren't they like the same person in real life?  HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE????  Hollywood trickery.  Next they'll have Bill Pullman show up just to really fuck with me.  THEY WON'T STOP TALKING!!!! I can't believe only four years before this F Murray Abraham was in Amadeus.  It's hard to imagine a bigger fall...except maybe if someone had been in STAR WARS or something.  This is the worst movie I've ever seen.  Luke Skywalker just pistol whipped Antonio Salieri and I felt nothing.

Update: Bill Paxton just forced himself on Mark Knopler's wife.  He's spposed to be the rakish hero but he is a human slug.  This is followed by the worst gunfight I've ever seen in a professional movie.  Question: If the world has fallen apart and everyone is living in a subsistence struggle using little or no technology WHO THE FUCK IS BUILDING PERFECT HUMANOID ANDROIDS????

I hate this movie so much. 

In the final credits F. Murray Abraham is billed as "Special guest appearance by"  I've never seen that before.  Even the credits are ashamed for the people in this movie.

Just try to grasp the level of disgust in that.

"We could put 'special guest: F Murray Abraham'"

"No.  Special guest appearance by."

"That doesn't make sense.  Of course you appear in the movie.  You're in the movie."

"No I'm not.  I appear to be in the movie.  and only as a guest.  In fact, a special guest.  But I'm not in it."

"But..."

"I'm NOT IN IT!"

 

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I bought a copy of Slipstream in a 7/11 probably ten years ago. It was in one of those thin sleeves that just had the title and an unrelated picture of Bill Paxton from his IMDB on the cover. I never watched it, but now I'll probably just skip around to see Mark Hamill and poor Salieri. 

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If anyone has Amazon Streaming they have a ton of Grindhouse films. I just saw The Big Dollhouse for the first time. Tons of Blaxploitation too like Foxy Brown, Sheeba Baby, Monkey Hustle and JD's Revenge just to name a few.

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Albert Pyun never fails to amaze me.  Or more properly it never fails to amaze me how whenever I stumble onto some bizarre over-the-top movie that is a mixture of the most obvious action tropes and the most outlandishly off-the-top-of-his-head concept and track down the IMDB I end up saying "Of course it's Albert Pyun."

So as I watched with astonishment as we begin tonight's B Movie tv feature by having an all star cast of B movie heavies force a young native American girl to stab her own mother to death the only thing that made it all make sense was seeing that credit "Directed by Albert Pyun"

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It's called RAVEN HAWK and it was somehow produced by HBO in 1996.  That surprised me given what prestige proects they produce now.  But looking at the list of HBO movies for 1996 shows me exactly one (THE LATE SHIFT) I would consider a big deal. The rest are a bunch of weird looking small potato movies:

- GOTTI
- CRIME OF THE CENTURY (about the Lindbergh kidnapping)
- NORMA JEAN & MARYLIN with Ashley Judd and Mira Sorvino
- Alan Rickman playing RASPUTIN
- DEADLY VOYAGE which sounds like a cheap thriller but is actually a true-life story of the murder of a group of Afircan stowaways by the crew of a cargo ship
- DON'T LOOK BACK which appears to be NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN but with Eric Stoltz and Billy Bob Thornton if you can picture that.
- and THE CHEROKEE KID.  Now I don't knwo what the Cherokee Kid is but I can tell you that it somehow stars Sinbad, James Coburn, Burt Reynolds, and Gregory Hines.  If, for a moment, that makes you think, "Man, I need to see that," let me quickly disabuse you of that idea:

 

 

el_cherokee_kid.jpgYeah.  That's what it is.

 

So it was a weird time at old HBO studios...just weird enough that Albert Pyun got the greenlight (and probably his biggest budget since THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER.

There are two things that mark an Albert Pyun movie in particular.  Armies of bad guys who are as gross as they can possibly be in every possibly way, and the idea that purity (and vengeance)  are attached to a kind of mysticism and detachment from the world. It can be alien or asian or Cyborgian, but it's that special magical something that makes someone indestructable.  In this case he takes that Pyunian concept and applies it to native american mysticism.

It's the kind of idea you have for a half a second and then dismiss, unless you're Albert Pyun in which case you convince a major premium network to give you $5 million to film it.

When I say an all-star cast of B movie heavies I mean:
indasgsdgdsex.jpgWilliam "dickless" Atherton
shocker_2.pngMitch "Shocker" Pileggi
MV5_BMTM1_ODk4_MTg4_Nl5_BMl5_Ban_Bn_Xk_FEd "Every movie yo've ever seen" Lauter
thomrotld.jpgThom "Return of the Living Tommy Doyle" Mathews

Q_portrait.jpgand John "Q" de Lancie

I know, right?  How could this not be amazing?

Any number of ways.

Now since this is a movie about Albert Pyun's wet dream about what mystical Injuns are like, of course the revenge will come from young Shadowfeather's ability to commune with and control animals.

She, by the way, is played by Ms. Olympia 1980, 1982 Rachel McLish. 

rachel_mclish_10.jpgFunFact.  In 2008 Coco Crisp bought her house for $3 million.  Fuck yeah, bodybuilding!

She escapes from the near Rob-Zombie-esque pervert prison van driver when an actual fucking bull suddenly appears in front of him causing an actual fucking crash.

Then she kills another dude by having his abused horse kick him right the fuck in his tit.  She then rides that horse into battle with the next dude.

9c67b297b55a63b0f50f33ab48a32325.jpgand bows and arrows.  Lots of bows and arrows.

Another Albert Pyun thing is that these vengeance heroes are blank.  They cannot and will not ever be fixed or righted.  They are practically without speech and with no other motivation than revenge. In fact, in place of dialog they get mystical flutey new-agey exotic music hovering around them as they train and wander and stalk and kill (and if you think Albert Pyun will not film Rachel McLish's glistening abdomen during myriad training and/or "native-american oil annointings" (which we all learned about in history class) then you have not seen an Albert Pyun movie.

So the movie is simply a string of scenes where she finds and murders the small army of men who killed her family.  And it drags, which is a drag, because Albert Pyun at his best can be a dizzying mishmash of ambitious and disjointed inspiration and comfortingly familiar tropes.  But this is just dull.  Most of what dramatic momentum there is comes form just residual outrage as the crime committed in the opening scene is so horrific that you really feel like you can't rest until you see the last body hit the floor.  But once that opening scene of brilliant mood, tension, and outrage passes...man, it's blandsville.

In what seemed like a decent little turn the movie suddenly turns into the Oulaw Joanie Wales as Dickless Atherton hires a small platoon of bounty hunters to eliminate her as she sneaks from dessert hut to dessert hut among a small network of supporters and dsicovers the murders were committed so tosic waste could be dumped on the reservation.  But from there it's just run, jump out of a tree, run, climb some rocks, run, jump off a rock, run.

The end has all the tilted Albert Pyun camera angles and faux John Woo gunplay you could ask for.  But it is generic to the point that the final big bad (dickless) sits in his giant dessert mansion awaiting the hero while listening to I pagliacci.  Of course, because that's the only piece of opera music that exists in Hollywood.

I give this stinker 2 sad clowns

71q_Yx7_M07r_L_SL1024.jpg71q_Yx7_M07r_L_SL1024.jpg

out of ten.

 

But don't despair.  Enjoy this low-fi recording of the bland, depressing RAVEN HAWK song made through the speakers of a 1987 AT&T touch tone cordless phone:

 

Listen to this approximately 30 times in a row and you will have experienced something similar to watching this movie.

 

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I just looked up the trailer for Ghost Writer (1989), which I probably saw when I was no older than five and remembered as a serious exercise in supernatural horror. As it turns out, it was actually a B-grade sex comedy and the ghost was a whacky parody of Marilyn Monroe who needs a journalist living in her old apartment to help solve her murder by a political cabal. The cast includes Audrey Landers from Dallas, David "Bosley" Doyle, John "Sloth" Matuszak, and Jeff Conway. 

I don't know if I'll follow up and watch the entire movie, but the trailer has a pretty astounding time capsule of a tag line: "Now, it's the dearly departed against the nearly retarded!"

 

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That trailer is glorious. It is a made-for-t.v. movie but the whole trailer just screams Touchstone Films in the 80s to me.

It looks like the concept was maybe one good meeting away from starring Shelly Long and Kim Catrall and being in theaters with Peter Cetera on the soundtrack.  I kind of love it already.

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  • 1 month later...

I hadn't been able to take in much tv, part from occasional Raw eps, but I checked in on B-Movie TV last night.

I dig the Sequel Night theme, I really do.  But whatever Ilsa sequel they showed last night was a bit more than I was prepared for.

Just found out it was "Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks".  Yeah ... woof.

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I just watched American Grindhouse and I'm in the mood, baby, so let's see what B Movie TV is serving up to honor our fallen heroes this Memorial Day Weekend...why it's Demonwarp: (1988)

F6nS9Jp.jpg

starring George Kennedy who wikipedia says is somehow not a veteren despite everything his face and body and posture and attitude and every movie he's ever been in would seem to indicate...he's actually just a rolly-polly ball of cute.  So I am already going into this shaken a bit in my core beliefs.  Hollywood has somehow deceived me about something. You know what, I'm pretty sure Wikipedia is a fucking liar.  I love you Hollywood! I will always believe you first!

After a cold open that shows a creepy old-timey western wanderer with like a mule cart in like the old west reading the bible and seeing a meteor maybe? crash we completely forget any of that happen and instead flash to George Kennedy playing trivial pursuit with his daughtANDBIGFOOT JUST BROKE DOWN THE DOOR AND DRAGGED GEORGEKENNEDYSDAUGHTERINTOTHEWOODS!!!

Guys, meet Bigfoot!
XbCWvEX.jpg

Yeah. So let's not put a lot of stock in the Bigfoot factor itself to carry this movie.  Why do you ask, is Bigfoot the main antagonist in a movie whose title is made of the words "Demon" and "Warp"? Since Bigfoot is an idyllic woodland creature who admittedly occasionally crosses the line into hiker-murder and/or dragging-people-off-to-be-his-sex-slave and not either a demon or a time travler, this seems odd?  Well, the connection is not really evident until literally the final ten minutes or so of this ridiculous movie.

We now flash to a bunch of teens driving into the woods.  So if you're keeping track so far we into at least our third movie opening in this movie andHOLYSHITIT'S BUDDY FROM JUSTONEOFTHEGUYS!!!!  

uNC90Bx.jpg Buddy from Just ONE OF THE GUYS is literally y favorite film character in the history of film.

KgJo1XJ.jpg

He is completely unchanaged, like a smidge taller, and so I am going to assume this is, in fact, Buddy, and this is the unofficial sequel to Just One of the Guys and maybe Bigfoot is writing a story for his school newspaper about teen relationships and this is all a big misunderstanding.

So the slasher-teen-fodder are at this cabin to find the uncle of one of them who has disappeared and I am assuming is being mated to various Bigfeet against his will.

This is a good time to mention there are not nearly enough good Bigfoot themed horror movies, though nothing could really live up to the sheer terror I felt when I heard Leonard Nimoy narrate "In Search of Sasquatch" in 1978.
taqMf04.jpg

 

At one point Bigfoot drags a guy wearing a bigfoot mask (to scare his friends) off to his cave, so, yes, if you were wondering if they were going to skip over the Bigfoot-sodomy angle, they didn't.  Bigfoot is definately spending a good part of this movie nailing that guy in his lady-Bigfoot mask.


George Kennedy is wearing overalls.  

h0ljBzo.jpg Adorable

and he killed seven Nazis with his bare hands on the eastern front.  Yeah, that's right, he paratrooped into Stalingrad because Normandy wasn't intense enough for him FUCK YOU  WIKIPEDIA, GEORGE KENNEDY IS A WAR HERO!!!!! And if you know CREEPSHOW 2 this seems like his wheelhouse, clothing-wise.  He says "THere's a thing out here.  It took my little girl.  I couldn't stop it then, but I'm gonna stop it now."  That is both a good summary of the film and the subtitle of Heidi Cruz's father's autobiography. Political!

We settle into a lot of boring direct-to-video level boobie and innuendo junk as the teens settle in for the night.  I'm guessing one of the reasons this movie was greenlit was that they got a Penthouse pet (Michelle Bauer)

Yzbizwa.jpgHello, 1988, you were pretty hot in a big-haired Sam Kinison kind of way!

and knew they could drop at least 15 minutes of late 80s VHS slow motion lingerie massage in there.

Buddy is playing around with some advanced Squatch-sound equipment and the soundtrack (and presence of girl towling off after a shower) tells me its time for some Bigfoot action. Buddy takes this as a chance to feel her up, which is exactly what the Buddy-from-Just-One-of-The-Guys that I know and love would do.
w6XqunU.jpg

and FUCK BIGFOOT JUT KILLED BUDDYFROMJUSTONEOFHTEGUYS!!! What the fuck purpose could there be to watching the rest of this?
 
rmRMtlY.jpg  ILOVE YOU BUDY!!!

After this we just get Bigfoot stalking and killing random hikers Jason style including a nice head-tearing-off which really hits home because that is exactly the shit Nimoy warned me about. Also a disembowling with a dull stick which Nimoy didn't say a godamned thing about! But this goes on awhile and it pretty badly done with the sad synth score doing most of the lifting while we just watch people run around acting scared.  Now, I mean, we know something is fishy when we see Bigfoot disabling an explosive device but who knew...

at 11:04, approximately 64 minutes into an 80 minute movie, the following happens (from the evil lying Wikipedia):

- It is later discovered that one of the campers came there to find his uncle. His uncle is later found to be the Bigfoot, and

- that a bigoted Catholic priest used him (turned him into Bigfoot) for his own evil plans.

- Actually, the priest thinks an alien who arrived from an unknown planet 100 years ago is an angel who is here to be served by him.

- and to do this work he is creating a horde of mindless zombies,

- to defend the hidden spacecraft inside the cave they used to hide it.

The living fuck???? All of that is just sort of vomitted out of the 15 minutes or so of this movie..

Also we find the guy in the bigfoot mask who has been literally butt-raped into submission by Bigfoot and he just kind of expires from sheer rectal exhaustion (which is a thing.  It's called R.E. in the squatch-chaser community).

 

And hey, ZOMBIE BUDDY FROM JUST ONE OF THE GUYS!!!!!!

B8hQtym.jpg

 

Somehow this all leads to

t0TO5wW.jpg


Brain guy from late-era MST3K

FUCK YOU M KNIGHT SHYAMALAN...you lazy fucker, I demand you wathc DEMONWARP to get your twist mojo back because this was 10 times more satisfyng than the ending to THE VILLAGE and made more sense than the ending to SIGNS.

And everyone remember to take a moment in the next few days to honor the sacrifices of George Kennedy, who singlehandedly saved the crew of PT-109 after it was torpedoed by the VietCong at the Alamo.  And if Wikipedia says otherwise, you know who you really trust.

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6 hours ago, nate said:

I hadn't been able to take in much tv, part from occasional Raw eps, but I checked in on B-Movie TV last night.

I dig the Sequel Night theme, I really do.  But whatever Ilsa sequel they showed last night was a bit more than I was prepared for.

Just found out it was "Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks".  Yeah ... woof.

That is actually the most light-hearted and entertaining Ilsa film (unless you are a complete and utter sadist). Uschi Digard in the nude helps. 

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I saw the end of that and looked it up.  The wiki page is insane.

- "The film was originally screened in its original three-hour-long version titled The Cuckoo Clocks of Hell in 1973, and purportedly caused theater riots in New York City and Chicago, the latter of which's theater was claimed to have been burned down."

- "For over two decades following its theatrical release, the true identities of the director and cast were unknown to the public, with the credits being made up of pseudonyms. This led to a multitude of decades-long rumors about the film, most famously that it had surfaced from underground cinema circles in New York and had featured actual footage of real murders."

- "Watkins stated that at the time of making the film, he was an amphetamine addict, and that only about $800 of the $3,000 budget was spent making the film, while the remaining $2,200 was used to buy drugs."

- The whole thing was made in Oneonta, NY with SUNY students.

What I saw of the movie was both pretentious and unsettling.  It was like a 70s Boorman film (complete with Zardoz mask) if Boorman had a heart attack after writing the a two-line outline of an idea and then it was taken over by Hershell Gordon Lewis.  But the super 8 POV stuff was pretty forward looking.  I guess it was supposed to be a commentary on mass media culture and its effects on people, which I guess has been a hot topic nor about 40 years now.  Resonance of Natural Born Killers and Scream but with that really unsettling 70s gore that is both unrealistic and just "low-fi" enough to look like something horrible actually happened.

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I bought Last House on Dead End Street in some rare DVD double-disc for beaucoup bucks and only watched it once. The documentary with the director talking about his drug problems was more interesting, IIRC. Is it actually worth a rewatch, maybe if I get really plastered before and during?

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7 hours ago, driver said:

BIGFOOT in a movie called Demon Warp? That, children, is what we call a swerve.

Omg "Demonwarp" is a film that I hadn't thought of in fuck forever, probably not since USA Up All Night went off the air.

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Yeah, the only time I saw Last House On Dead End Street was on YouTube and despite being plastered it was still damned boring. Besides the crude gore, I still chuckle thinking about the director, who may have in fact been played by time travelling Rainn Wilson, shouting at the top of his lungs over and over "I'MDIRECTINGTHISFUGGINMOVIE!"

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Wait is that the shit with the girl on the VHS cover holding football helmets over her tits in the guys' locker room? I probably should see that one of these days. I'm surprised I haven't yet. You might be overselling it though, I mean the bar for under-the-radar 80's cult comedies is pretty high. Hell I've probably seen Casual Sex? at least 25 times.

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