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DEATH VALLEY DRIVERETTE 5232014- MOTHERFUCKING DIASUKE IKEDA! SERENA DEEB!

DEAN

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in The PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING

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DEAN

DEAN

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DRIVERETTE 5232014

 

BEHOLD,  THE PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING!

 

$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$% PRO WRESTLING NOAH- 5/17/2014

Nothing looks more boring than your average NOAH card line-up.  So many anonymous gaijin.  So many Japanese guys you stopped being excited about seeing ten years ago.  But then you actually watch the NOAH and most of it is as tedious as you expected- but then you realize why you used to get excited about some of these guys.  Hope springs eternal until the first boring ass juniors match throws you out of the sky, plowing into the hard earth below...

 

MITSUHIRO KITAMIYA vs HITOSHI KUMANO:  Ha!  The youth of NOAH are unknown to my aging eyes.  I shall let the RESEARCH! wash over me.(1)  These guys have 3 years experience betwixt them so I may just count the dropkicks.   Kitamiya was trained by Kensuke Sasaki so maybe he will crush the other littler fella.  We can always hope.  Oooo, Kumano is a wee fellow.   Kitmiya towers over Kumano and owns a giant man-rack.  He will crush Kumano with his mighty boobs!  Instead, they have a basic rookie opening card match.  The highlight of the first half of the match is a keylock by Kitamiya.  One always wonders how these make it on TV.  Well, at least we have it that Kitamiya will lay it in- as being trained by Sasaki and Masa Sato would dictate.  Dropkick number one!  Kumano is all fiery with his forearms to the head of Kitamiya, so Kitamiya gets in his own dropkick to get us up to our second dropkick.  And then a counter dropkick- number three.  Kumano hits a very nice Fisherman Suplex and bridges deeply the bridge of bridging.  Ooo, fun nearfalls by Kumano.  Kitamiya cuts him off with the Abdominal Stretch and the crowd starts chanting something, I'm guessing "Take it home!" but my Japanese language skills are non-existent.  Kitamiya applies the half crab and we are in the homestretch.  The crowd gets behind wee Kumano's fighting spirit as he tries to fight out of the Octopus Hold but it is no use.  He taps like a tiny rookie will tap.  You could whole life without seeing this, but I didn't hate this match at all.  It was a fine rookie match- but there is nothing more unneccessary than a televised rookie match.   But I'm not your mom, man.  Do what you want with this thing.


 

MOTHERFUCKING DIASUKE MOTHERFUCKING IKEDA vs HAJIME OHARA:  I know that a Hajime is a clasp one uses with a scarf,  I'm assuming HERE that a Hajime is a wrestler who gets the holy dogshit beaten out of himself.  At one point, Diasuke Ikeda was my favorite wrestler on this planet Earth.  Then he disappeared almost completely, except for a Futen match here and there- which were usually motherfucking awesome.  And then you get the occasional mailed-in NOAH tag match.  Here's hoping that he feels the power of the BattlARTS in this singles match and we all get to feel bad about Hajime Ohara never remembering any of his times tables ever again.  Speaking of Hajime Ohara, let me sink my arms deeply into the RESEARCH.....(2)  Allright, come on, Ikeda.  Make me not hate NOAH Ikeda.  Ikeda has the big sword and Ikeda is attacked before he get his robe off.  Ohara throws him into the rail because in NOAH, everyone gets thrown into the rail.  Ohara double dropkicks Ikeda straight into the buttocks and I can only assume that Ikeda is going to fucking maul this guy at some point.  En Lieu, Ohara hits a Vertical Suplex and applies a comical submission- as Ohara wrestled in CMLL and wants to show this to everyone in the building and TV and on the internet.  Ikeda begins the ass-beating section of the match with a flying spinning savat crescent kick to the face.  Then Ikeda kick him in the face two more times- and I can't lie, I'm feeling it for this match.  ikeda kicks him dead in the face three more times and goes for the pin.  Ohara, obviously losing all memory of the career of Diasuke Ikeda due to the 7 kicks to the face, kicks out at two.  Ikeda keylocks and Ohara's basic motor skills are saved.  Ohara makes the ropes and Ikeda, being Daisauke Ikeda, starts kicking him as he is rolling on the mat.  Ooooh man, that's the stuff right there.  And he pump handles Ohara's arm and kicks him in the face a few more times.  Ohara flashes back to 2002 and whips out a Backstabber as we snicker to help go through a small barrage of Lucha Libre roll ups- as he wants to emphasize his lucha background with a Shootstyle guy for whatever reason.  At 8:55, he decides to trade elbows to the face with Diasuke Ikeda- which would be like me trading elbows with Diasuke Ikeda.  Nobody should do that.  Ohara gets a couple of shots in but Ikeda rolls through them as if he was in motherfucking BattlARTS for ten years- and then just fucking destroys Ohara with a headbutt to the bridge of the nose and a roundhouse kick to the back of the head.  YEESH!  You forget over time that Ikeda really doesn't give a fuck about you and your whining about it being 3/4 legit..  Ohara opts against every good decision he could make in his life and kicks out at two.  Ikeda just fucking SLAUGHTERIZES the mortal reamins of Ohara with a lariat and MAAAAAAN, does falling in love with NOAH Diasuke Ikeda feel great.  Reunited and feeeels soo goooood!  Reunited and it's uuuuuunderstooood... JILLION motherfucking STARS. 


 

DIASUKE HARADA vs QUIET STORM (wait, what?) vs ZACK SABRE JR:  Quiet Storm!  I haven't seen him wrestle since.... man, 2003?   This is like the other day when my youngest daughter had an art opening for her art class in the city (RVA! Richmond! Richmond, Virginia!) and me n my oldest daughter went to Martin's in Carytown  to get a raw veggie platter for the snack section of said art opening(3).  We went to the place where you scan it yourself and who was at the next scanner?  My friend Andy!  I hadn't seen him in months!  He had a new band that needed a singer.  I said, "I can sing!"   I bring you this mundane story because I am killing time.  I am WAAAY to stoked about Ikeda beating someone's ass- and it is time for all my good feeling to smash into the earth, as my euphoria morphs into a flaming zeppelin- as I have to watch- Jebus, fuck THIS- a fucking three-way match.  Three way matches are fucking horrible.  

 

THINGS THAT I WOULD RATHER WATCH THAN A THREE-WAY MATCH:

1. One of those matches where someone hypnotises her opponent and makes her dance and act like a chicken.(4)

2. One of those matches where they all do the match is slow motion because HILARITY is so much better than any inkling of KAYFABE!(4) 

3. An indie ladies match where one of the ladies checks her watch in the middle of a headlock.(4)

4. A Disney Channel Memorial Day Dog With A Blog 18 hour marathon.(5)

5. 100 of those videos on YouTube where guys play Minecraft and talk about it while both my sons watch intently like it was the fucking moon-landing.(4)

 

Oh well, let's get on with this.  Okay, QUIET STORM!  I think I will just let YOU, my beloved gentle reader, think of a hilarious "smooth jazz" joke like we used to make about his name back in the olden days.  I dig Zack Sabre Jr from the two or three matches I have seen.  Quiet Storm is all beefy now!  He looks like Glenn Danzig between the time when the "Mother" video came out and the time where he became an aging lesbian.  Hey, let me research Harada- as I have skipped over about 600 of his matches in the last two years.(6)   This three-way makes me think that I would like a Sabre/ Harada match.  It also makes me think that there is nothing fucking more useless than a three-way match.  I mean, the work is perfectly fine- what with Quiet Storm being the 5'7" Scott Norton of the Junior set.  Zack Sabre bumps like a true hoss for Storm off the toprope to the floor.  I wander off to the read the Quiet Storm page on cagematch.de while this match roils into the usual three-way spots that YOU obviously love and I hate.   Hey, I didn't know that he was Canadian.  At some point in his career he was the Summer Santa.  I will note that Zack Sabre is trying like a motherfucker to try to make me not hate this match- so kudos to you, young man.  But it's like my hatred of Alt country, you can make your points but at the end of the day, I ain't listening to it.  But yeah, Zack Sabre is building up goodwill that will carry over to a match that I watch that he is that isn't designed to be retarded.  Scott Norton is your winner!   


TO BE CONTINUED

 

!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@ NEW ENGLAND CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING- 4/10/2014- (DEAN RASMUSSEN)

We will continue to review random episodes from the giant stockpile of current New England Championship Wrestling- skipping over the ones that BORE me.  This one doesn't BORE me.  So la-de-dah, let's take a gander, shall we?  This episode starts off well with Miss Sammi Lane calling the Canadian newcomer, Jasmin, a "CHIPPIE"!  Oh hell yes!  A chippie!  I love this gal.  She is accusing the canuck gal of being slatternly!  They stomp on the foot of the shleppy announcer guy.  They call him a useless lump and he tries to hide is audible boner.  Sammi Lane then follows up the "chippie" slur by calling her True North counterpart a "bimbo"!  Can "trollop" and "Jezebel" be far off?  I sooo love the NECW ladies.

 

MISS SAMMI LANE vs JASMIN:  Nikki Valentine is at ringside so this is before she was banished from the Sisterhood.  They have a pre-match interview with Jasmin and she doesn't call Miss Sammy a "tarted-up hussy", so way to drop the ball Miss Maple Syrup.  And on to the action.  Well, for someone questioning the modesty of her opponent, Miss Sammi is dressed just as much like a harridan!- what with the cleavage and lace leggings and tiny leather paunts.  Jasmin does a one armed cartwheel and I contemplate trying one those myself- and I wonder how quickly my arm would snap into an impossible direction.  Miss Lane says, to herself, "Oh fuck the gymnastics!" and knees the adorable wee Canadian in the breadbasket.  Vikki Valentine CHEATS! Hot chicks who are mean girls- Jesus Christ, Sheldon Goldberg, how many Russ Meyer films have you watched?  I'm not saying you should stop or anything, I'm just wondering.  Sammi hits the is Lateral or Vertical Suplex- the one where are in a Brainbuster position.  Anyway, that with a bridge for two and you can say that Sammi Lane is beating some heat onto the cute little moose-hugger.  Sammi is using basic offense but it looks pretty good.  The teeny Jasmin faceplants to TRANSITION~! after escaping the screamy chinlock of Sammi Lane.  Jasmin hits some spunky lowgrade highflying things like some hysterically loose lariats and a knee to the face to the corner.  Sammi responds with two bitchy looking- if not overly Kohei Sato-ish- forearms to the face.  Nikki Valentine PLANTS THE SEEDS OF HER EXILE by fucking up the Holding Of The Face Wrestler So The Heel Wrestler Can Elbow Her In The Face thing.  Jasmin goes all Memphis with the roll-up for the 3 count, causing the hatred betwixt Miss Sammi Lane and Nikki Valentine to begin to boil.  After the pin, Jasmin makes the face that heavy metal guitar players make mid-solo when they can't believe how awesome they are playing.  I really dig Miss Sammi Lane and not just because she reminds me of bad girls I used want to date in high school- but I didn't smoke so I wasn't slimy enough to father their children before graduation.  Jasmin is adorable but really needs to work on laying it in.  Postmatch:  Announcer boy gets on Sammi's nerves and Sammi proceeds to browbeat Nikki Valentine a little.  And then they kind of wander off.  

 

JOHNNY THUNDER vs  MASSHOLE MIKE McCARTHY:   Prematch, Mike McCarthy spells a bunch of words and I'm too tired to try figure out what he's spelling.  So I deem this PROMO~! as .... BAD!  Johnny Thunder goes for the low-key Jake Roberts PROMO~! and THAT you never see anymore.  Bravo, young Mister Thunder.   Thunder controls early with not quite yet hilariously unstiff indie punches and lariats- but they are edging close to it.  Thunder in the mount throws the bare minimum level of worked punches before they become giggle-worthy.  And then they get worse after they both stand-up.   McCarthy goes on offense and his stuff looks waay indie house show loose.   Nothing looks good in this but it isn't embarrassingly bad- I just don't buy any of it.  Remember the words of Johnny Valentine- I don't have to make them think wrestling is real, I have to make them think I am real.  Or something awesome like that.  This is every match you ever saw in the middle of every card you ever saw at a county fair- except there is no deep fried Oreos. The finish is scewy and elaborate for no reason.  Actually, it's the same finish from the laaadies match- except the ladies' match was 40 times stiffer.  And that match wasn't that stiff.  Wait for episodes with The End in the main event- though the ladies match was perfectly fine.

   

 

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@SINGLES

##############################GOING

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$STEADY

 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAA- CRAZY BOY/ JOE LIDER vs JUVENTUD GUERRERA/ STEVE PAIN- 2/15/2014:  God, it was forever ago that Juventud was pumping out good matches 10 times a week in WCW and in Mexico.  It's good to check in on him every now and then and lament what could have been if wasn't fucking crazy.  Crazy Boy and Joe Lider slosh into the middle of all Lucha Libre.  Lider will take a preposterous bump every now and then- so he will always have that.  I think Crazy Boy is Super Crazzy's brother (actually....)- and I believe he is quite the Eddie Payton to Super Crazzy's Walter Payton.  And Steve Pain is Canadian, I believe.(7)  Very little of what I just wrote stands up to the actual research, but I will leave it there to show the perception of sloggy random wrestlers versus the hard truth.  This is a fun little brawl to start.  Man, Juventud is expanding into middle age fatness - and he has the Brett Michaels dead eyes thing going too, so lets all get together and die a little inside.  After a few crappy chairshots, it settles into a sorta tagmatch- in that they are all in the ring as opposed on the floor.  Juvie stands on the back of Lider's neck and it gets a bit listless.  They crush Lider and Crazy's testicles with chairs and yeaaaah, you really got to strain to remember when Juventud and Rey Misterio Jr were on the same path to superstardom.  I'm trying to remember just where it all went to hell for Juventud.  Naked and on drugs in the lobby of the Australian hotel maybe?   Here, he gets outworked by fricking Joe Lider.  Steve Pain does hit a fucking spectacular springboard from the second rope INSIDE the ring somersaulting over the toprope Tope Con Hilo.  Nino Hamburguesa(8) makes a cameo with  an AWWESOME fatboy  Shiryu Tope.  He also uses his fat to crush people in corner.  Juventud hits a nice snap suplex on Crazy Boy and then takes a nice powerslam by Lider.  This match is really sloppy in structure and really precise in execution- which means that this match has no excuse- though the style the Tijuana guys wrestle IS this sloppy meandering style- with way too much reliance on 1990's ECW-ish garbage spots replacing any sort of build to anything memorable.  They finish is big as Juventud takes a Rolling Hills from the toprope through a table by Lider and Strong is Death Valley Bombed through a burning table by Crazy Boy.  Hey, don't get wrong- I'm a total vampire fan when it comes to ridiculous spots but this is back-yarder shit; stunt work; psychology-free rehashing of a Pitbulls match.  The table was a nice touch though.  Pray for Juventud...  


 

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ BEAUTY SLAMMERS- SERENA DEEB vs BEAUTIFUL BEAA- 4/30/2014:  Trying to keep current on the ever awesome Serena Deeb and it appears she did a Canadian tour through New Brunswick and Nova Scotia.  This match was in a sports bar in Dartmouth, Nova Scotia.   The whole tour is on youtube but this match had the most people attending so it didn't make me depressed to watch.  It also reminded me of that awesome West Carolina University college redneck bar where all the OMEGA guys would wrestle.   Serena meanders to the ring- appears to try to hook-up with one of the guys sitting at the table and then trolls the drunken rubes by keeping her jacket on and THUS not allowing 700 pound drunk Nova Scotians to gaze at her chest pets and thus deny them fuel for jacking it as they pull off the side of the road on the way home.  I think this would be called "psychology".  The STORY is that Serena Deeb is from Oakton, Virginia- which is between the sacred soil of Richmond, VA and the pit that is Washington, DC.  The Beautiful Beaa is from Port Colborne, Ontario.  Deeb grew up with people who became supercommuter douchebags populating the seven rings of hell that is the Exburbs of Northern Virginia.  These jerks do yoga and BowFlex and whatever else exercises people with too much cable TV can be conned into doing.   Beaa understands the Nova Scotians.  If the giant drunken Nova Scotian doesn't blow off some steam (so to speak), his heart could explode like a poutine-coated red dwarf gone super-nova.  These men have families, god dammit!  Beautiful Beaa is a Canadian hero for deciding that THESE Canadians paid their hard-earned money!  They will see Serena Deeb's magnificent rack!  They will coat their snow mobile with viscuous, jalapena-popper-scented mangravy TONIGHT! So help her, Margaret Trudeau!   Or something.  Let's watch the match.  It's not very long.   God, Serena is such the total bitch to our hero the Beautiful Beaa.  Arm-dragging her with great velocity, messing up her hair, and laying across the top turn buckle LIKE A JERK!  The fat Nova Scotians chant for our hero.   Man, Serena Deeb will fucking bump all over the ring like a QUEEN.  Beaa taunts the evil Serena and the crowd and Serena seem to be having a good time.  The Nova Scotians chant for the Removing Of The Coat and an enraged Serena beats the shit out the Beautiful Beaa and sends her to the floor.  Serena taunts Beaa and makes with the comedy spot with the ref- allowing Beaa to rip off Serena's coat- as a hundredish Canadian pairs of pants just lost a bit of their moisture integrity.  Serena then goes back to pummelling Beaa.  The Canadians actually start a "We Are Creepy!" chant and this is way into the God, I Wish I Could Have Been There area of Pro Wrestling Viewing.  Those folks seem like folks who would drink five 40s of Mongoose with you.  Serena opts to pull the Americans Are Better Than You Stupid Canadians card and this is truly the finest example of how to deliver the most match in a sports bar in Canada.  They trade forearms and I dig the fire of our Canadian hero, the Beautiful Beaa.  She lays it in harder than Deeb's opponents in most of the Japanese matches I've seen Serena Deeb in.  Beaa hits a nice Stone Cold Stunner for two.  Serena goes all Lawler and tries to leave, but Beaa beats on her all the way back to ring.  This match is a hoot.  Serena throws her jacket over Beaa's head, hits the Malenko Rib-Breaker and steals the match.  Serena Deeb is so fucking great.     

  

 

-------------------------------

ENDNOTES

1. I go to the cagematch.de for THE REEEEEESUUUHCH~!~!   Mitsuhiro Kitamiya is 25 years old, 5'8", 209 pounds.  Ooo! Thick!  He has been wrestling 2 years and was trained by Kensuke Sasaki and Masa Saito.   Hitoshi Kumano is 22 years old, 5'7", 165 pounds.  He is a rookie.  I await dropkicks.

2.  Oh man, reading his Wrestling New Classic section in wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hajime_Ohara) it seems that the booker of WNC booked Ohara as if Ohara was fucking  the booker's girlfriend on the grave of the booker's mother every night.   After he jumped to NOAH, it appears that the NOAH booker is booking Ohara as if Ohara was fucking the NOAH booker's mom on the grave of the NOAH booker's grampa every night.  Luckily, he gets to wrestling motherfucking Diasuke Ikeda.  Possibly, someone should tell him about the simple rewards of driving a forklift.  Two breaks a day, the boss doesn't fuck with you, you lift a bunch of stuff off trucks but actually have to touch anything.  It's a sweet gig.  Or maybe assembling scaffolding for a living.

3.  Being a hog, I ate 85% of the raw vegetables that I brung.

4. This actually happened.

5.  I don't think this has happened but I wouldn't put anything past those motherfuckers at Disney. 

6. Per cagematch.de,  Diasuke Harada is 27 years old, 5'6", 198 pounds. Hmm weird: wee AND thick.  He has been wrestling 7 years and I hope he isn't as bland in the ring as he is in this personal data list.  Who would date this man when the distinguished picture of Masashi Aoyagi is right there on the same NOAH 2014 page?  No one.  That's right.

7.  Cagematch.de proves what a FOOL I am!  Crazy Boy is Super Crazzy's cousin.  He is 36 and Super Crazzy is 40.   Steve Pain is not the guy I was thinking of.  I was thinking of the guy who was with Taya Valkyrie- which, actually, looks like it was Steve Pain according to cagematch.de. Maybe the Canadian paleness of Valkyrie made Pain not look as Los Angelean and more Albertan.  Either way, Steve Pain is from Los Angeles and was partly trained by motherfuckin RIKISHI!  Taya Valkyrie, who has nothing to do with this match- is 30 years old, 5'8", 145 pounds and has a background in ballet and bodybuilding.  She hails from Victoria, British Columbia.    She was trained by the beloved Lance Storm.   Just to be overly thorough, Juventud is now frickin THIRTY-NINE now.  He has been wrestling 22 years.

8. Nino Hamburguesa is EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD?

 

TOMORROW:   See yins after Memorial DAY!

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Dewar

Dewar

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Serena's hair now looks fantastic again. Also, building the first half of her match around wearing a jacket to cover up the sweater puppets that someone gave her = WIN. Nikki Bella's next heel turn better involve her wrestling in sweaters that your grandmama would wear.

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Sky Blue Sam

Sky Blue Sam

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Man, what the fuck happened to Quiet Storm? I always liked him, guiltily, in CZW as a kind of low-rent midget Benoit, but now he looks like 3MB Hornswoggle if there was no such thing as wellness testing. So bizarre.

Zack Sabre Jr is greatness though, his match vs Pete Dunne this January is quite probably the best match I've ever seen live. It's also great to see the guy I first saw breaking out in a tiny working mans club in Cov now holding gold in Noah. Good for him.

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DEAN

DEAN

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Ah, I need to EXPLORE the Zack Sabre Jr in Europe matches.  

 

As for Quiet Storm, he's 5'7". He's shorter than most Japanese JUNIOR heavyweights so I guess he feels the need to...uh... work out everyday really really really hard to bulk up to stick out as an import.

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Alan4L

Alan4L

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Does he still use the STORM CRADLE DRIVER?

 

I dunno but in that match he does a ridiculous call for a "QUIET! STORM!!! ELBOOOOW!" or something along those lines.

 

 

Dean, if you want more Zack in Europe I'd start with this gem!

 

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DEAN

DEAN

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Does he still use the STORM CRADLE DRIVER?

 

I dunno but in that match he does a ridiculous call for a "QUIET! STORM!!! ELBOOOOW!" or something along those lines.

 

 

Dean, if you want more Zack in Europe I'd start with this gem!

 

 

I stockpiled a couple but will be starting with that one.  I assume that was on Togo Retirement Tour.

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DEAN

DEAN

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Man NOAH Ikeda is such a shadow of FUTEN Ikeda, I am always left bummed

Well, that's true- but in that I've so deeply actively despised every Ikeda NOAH match, the fact that this match actually making me give a shit about Ikeda in NOAH was a giant victory.  This match was a giant step forward compared the incomparable shittiness of the usual Ikeda NOAH tag match- so I am having a moment of optimism.

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