2013: UPCOMING MOVIES/CASTING/RUMORS/ETC

[Fat Spanish Waiter]

I envision a poster of Mark Henry in an astronaut suit with the tag line "In space.... you still have to pay your air bill"

Mark Henry is floating outside the International Space Station when some debris causes a major catastrophe. As he floats in free space, the voice in his helmet speaker says "You have to grab onto something before you float away from the earth's gravitational pull!"

Mark Henry grabs the earth and brings it to him.

Yeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssss

[Fat Spanish Waiter]

Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan exchange e-mails. They get really into each other. So into each other, in fact, that Hanks starts ignoring his e-bills. Including...an air bill.

 

Mark Henry spends 90 minutes extracting a month of air out of Hanks' corpse.

[BrianS81177]

Oh so we're branching him out from horror/sci-fi now? Well then I have 4 words for you:

 

Mark Henry: Pet Detective

[piranesi]

Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan exchange e-mails. They get really into each other. So into each other, in fact, that Hanks starts ignoring his e-bills. Including...an air bill.

 

Mark Henry spends 90 minutes extracting a month of air out of Hanks' corpse.

 

 

The image of a flattened, deflated, Tom Hanks corpse resting on Mark Henry's knees as he casually reaches down and extracts another puff is so heartening to me.

 

"This puff is for Forest Gump"

 

"And this puff is for that new Disney Man movie"

 

"You know what...I'm taking two puffs for that movie with Michael Clark Duncan.  That was pandering and made me feel objectified as a black man."

 

'Now I'll give you a puff back for BACHELOR PARTY.  I liked that"

 

And he puffs into hanks who inflates like a puffer fish for a second and almost floats away before Henry grabs him...

 

"AH, ah, ah, you ain't goin' nowhere.  we haven't even gotten to you producing BIG LOVE.  What was up with that ending?"

[Fat Spanish Waiter]

At this point I just want Mark Henry to be wrecking someone for some reason.

 

Mark Henry is left behind by his parents when they go on a Christmas vacation. Two crooks decide to steal from his house. Mark Henry beats the everloving shit out of them for 85 minutes, without using homemade gimmicks and gadgets.

[Fat Spanish Waiter]

I'm out of likes, but I will make them up to you guys tomorrow.

[Fat Spanish Waiter]

And probably over the next few days if we're being honest.

[piranesi]

At some point we're just pitching movies about Mark Henry sucking the life out of people we don't like.

 

I'm perfectly fine with double-dipping.  We could do a TERRA CHIMP and a separate MARK HENRY Arcade Fire and let the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences decide which was better.

[Fat Spanish Waiter]

Mark Henry's daughter runs off to Paris to chase U2. She's kidnapped but when the bad guy picks up the phone, he hears "This is Mark Henry..." and they drive her to the airport, put her on a plane with half a million dollars and wish her all the best.

[HumanChessgame]

This week on Syfy - Mega Shark vs. Mark Henry

 

300 foot long shark is released from a trench by an earthquake and proceeds to terrorize the coast (featuring Eric Roberts as the local sheriff).  Mark Henry is out fishing when accosted by the shark.  He suplexes the shark off of a building. 

[piranesi]

The Incredbile Hulk is asked by the military to deal with Mark Henry once and for All.  Hulk gets in a three-point stance and takes a running charge at Mark Henry.  He bounces off Mark Henry's chest and falls backward.  We see a single green tear emerge from his eye as he looks back to the army battalion, shrugs his shoulders and sadly lowers his head.

He knows what is about to happen as behind him Mark Henry reaches out with one hand and clutches Hulk's skull.

Cut to Mark Henry holding a 30-foot steel pole with an open semi-trailer on the end of it.  Hulk dangles from the pole on a thick piece of wire (torn from the Golden Gate Bridge) that is wrapped around his broken neck.  Mark Henry playfully sweeps Hulk up and he bounces off the side of the trailer.

"Dang" says Mark Henry, "Almost."

He sweeps Hulk up again and this time Hulk lands inside the open trailer.

"Yay...Hey guys, did you see that!  That counts! Second try!"

[Brian Fowler]

A full scale Kryptonian Invasion runs into Mark Henry.

 

He picks up the entire group at once and World's Strongest Slams them into the Earth's core, where they melt in the lava, and Mark pulls up a lawn chair and catches up on his reading.

[Fat Spanish Waiter]

Doomsday kills Superman.

Mark Henry klls Doomsday. Nobody misses Superman.

[Brian Fowler]

Iron Man blows up all his armors.  Armored bad guy attacks.  Mark Henry says "don't worry Tony, they didn't pay up their air bill."

 

Tony Stark watches in awe, and then gives entire fortune to Mark in order to make sure his bill is NEVER late.

[piranesi]

Iron Man blows up all his armors.  Armored bad guy attacks.  Mark Henry says "don't worry Tony, they didn't pay up their air bill."

 

Tony Stark watches in awe, and then gives entire fortune to Mark in order to make sure his bill is NEVER late.

 

 

Mark Henry responds by saying "Thanks.  Now, how you gonna cover tomorrow's bill?"

 

Tony Stark weeps.

[Brian Fowler]

Air Bills:  A touching and funny romantic comedy about two star-crossed lovers who met Mark Henry one day.

 

All their problems were solved.

[Fat Spanish Waiter]

Iron Man blows up all his armors.  Armored bad guy attacks.  Mark Henry says "don't worry Tony, they didn't pay up their air bill."

 

Tony Stark watches in awe, and then gives entire fortune to Mark in order to make sure his bill is NEVER late.

Hahaha YES!

 

Thanos kills the Guardians of the Galaxy, en route to a meeting with the Avengers.

 

Unfortunately, Rocket Raccoon was Mark Henry's unofficial pet. He used to feed him unneeded steak. When he hears of his demise, Henry flies up to Thanosworld and eviscerates every living thing.

[Brian Fowler]

I just realized we've missed the best idea:  Mark Henry's Hall of Pain, a new reality series on EVERY SINGLE NETWORK, including the all-new Mark Henry 24/7 network.

 

Celebrities meet Mark Henry, and get a very special honor:  Inducted into the HALL OF PAIN

[Fat Spanish Waiter]

I just realized we've missed the best idea:  Mark Henry's Hall of Pain, a new reality series on EVERY SINGLE NETWORK, including the all-new Mark Henry 24/7 network.

 

Celebrities meet Mark Henry, and get a very special honor:  Inducted into the HALL OF PAIN

They have to plead for their lives but the catch is Mark Henry doesn't give a fuck and will induct them anyway.

[Brian Fowler]

Imagine the acceptance speeches!

[Niners Fan in CT]

Mutant League Football: The Movie starring Mark Henry as the lone survivor for the second half of play.

[piranesi]

Opening Credit shot:

 

RELEASE MARK HENRY:

 

[Fat Spanish Waiter]

Rita Repulsa escapes from whatever that fucking thing was, sends a giant monster down. Unfortunately it knocks over Mark Henry's begonias. Mark Henry throws the monster through the moon, and then throws the mangled mess of both through the sun.

[Brian Fowler]

Toho's new Mark Henry: Destroy All Monsters, in which he ACTUALLY DESTROYS ALL THE MONSTERS.

[Brian Fowler]

Rita Repulsa escapes from whatever that fucking thing was, sends a giant monster down. Unfortunately it knocks over Mark Henry's begonias. Mark Henry throws the monster through the moon, and then throws the mangled mess of both through the sun.

 

 

Lord Zedd shows up.  Mark Henry has been waiting, and not patiently.