BEN!

IWGP United States Championship Match: The Motion Picture presented by New Japan Pro Wrestling A screenplay by BEN! Open wide with an establishing shot of a desert. An Ennio Morricone-style soundtrack plays throughout. A black SUV drives into the scene. Two black-suited dark shades-wearing men of Asian descent exit. "Get out gaijin dog!" one orders as he opens the back door. In the back sits the IWGP US Champion Jon Moxley blindfolded. The other suited man removes the blindfold and barks, "Time to fight!" "Bout time," Moxley coldly mutters as he headbutts the suited man. A NJPW ref arrives from seemingly out of nowhere and intervenes screaming "No no! Opponent over there!" Moxley's opponent [____] enters the scene. The two fight for about 15 minutes in the desert wasteland before Moxley hits the Death Rider, cause this is absolutely not taking place in the US where it would be called the Paradigm Shift, and gets the pin and retains the IWGP US Championship. He then attacks the other suited man and leaves him laying. Moxley enters the SUV and drives off. Same wide shot as open but now with the SUV driving off into the desert night kicking up dust. Roll credits.

Kate Kane isn't even the most important character in the show. Batman's clothes rank higher than her. Why do you need Kryptonite to kill her since she's gotten clunked upside the head and knocked out and captured several times? Just hit her in the head some more. Or shoot her in the mouth. Or drown her. Or throw her off a great height. They should have Alice kill her off and take over her bar and turn it into a diner and when bootleg Tommy Lee Jones comes to arrest her, she tells him to kiss her grits. These TV people got some real temerity to keep pitching Batman shows that don't have Batman doing Batman stuff.

Stadium Stampede was not cinematic. It was like a bunch of barely stitched together WWF Hardcore Title matches. My cinematic sports entertainment power rankings: 1. Scott Steiner/Josh Mathews vs. Joseph Park/Jeremy Borash 2. The Sting/Cheatum trilogy 3. The Final Deletion The Hardy stuff only works with Jeff, the guy everyone knows is shoot crazy, playing the straight man during all the madness. I haven't gotten around to WrestleMania or MITB.

I'm so far behind there's still people in the crowd but I looked at the Slammiversary card and the selling point for the main event being someone recently fired from WWE debuting is the real "old school rules" match. Instead of saddling Moose with Dreamer they should just put him in the main and make it a KOTM match cause he's actually got a belt. Should probably put Mack in there too cause he's the only guy on the roster that knows the KOTM rules.

The interview with the The Hulkster, The Warrior, and The Arriba Man is the best part. How could anyone hope to contend with the combined might of Warrior Wildness, Hulkamania, and Arriba Derci! Seriously, the best part of any Survivor Series are the crazy coked-up group pre-match interviews.

It's too bad Tenta didn't get a uniform but it's fun that he looks like he's wearing an Earthquake-colored Tugboat outfit.

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EbMXowHWAAEXhB8?format=jpg It was hand-sized.

Bull Of The Woods Championship. Instead of a title belt they get a hilariously oversized cowboy boot and maybe a cowboy hat too. Like the TV title with 1 fall, 10-minute time limit matches but with each victory Tony Khan shoves a wad of money into the boot. Champion can cash out and take the money and run or choose to keep the title and let it ride for double the bonus money with the next defense and the bonus money continues to double with each defense. Champ retains on a draw but receives no cash bonus. If the champ loses then they lose the entire pot to the challenger as well.

EC3's got a weird sense of humor that doesn't seem like the kind of thing Vince would like at all. I find AEW generally alright-ish. Dynamite's settled into not being anything all that much different than a standard WWE broadcast though. One week opened with a 20-minute Moxley promo followed by an invisible camera vignette. The character development is really lousy though. Four months in and I don't know anything more about Riho and Nyla Rose and a litany of others than I did before AEW started. Did you guys know Britt Baker is a dentist though? The storytelling is real lacking too. People talking up Cody getting whipped and I just don't get it. Like why would he find himself in such a predicament? MJF was the deciding factor in AEW's first PPV World Title defense. You'd think AEW officials would want to put Cody and MJF together right away yet MJF somehow has the stroke to make demands of the guy whose ring entrance has it's own entrance. Page wanted to get away from The Elite yet someone keeps putting him in tag matches with them. Pac has to stalk Michael Nakazawa every week to get a rematch with Omega for some reason. Also, one week it looked like Pac disappeared him and then he was back the next week as an interpreter with no mention of what happened. And why 10 lashes and a cage match with an unknown? It's not like Cody got MJF in a caged area and whipped him with his weight belt leading to MJF having to debut a bodyguard. Wardlow needs to murder somebody Wednesday cause he didn't even stop someone from getting to MJF last week. And remember when The Dork Odor (***) laid out all the top guys with an army of some fat guys they molested in the woods to end the show and then the next week the top guys just moved on like nothing happened. I'm sold on the idea of Matt Hardy being the Exalted One though. Mainly, just cause I want to see which AEW higher up gets sick of his wife's shit the fastest. My money's on Brandi.

No, no. AEW's women's division is the one that needs help. They should sign the 1000lb women. I don't really think they've got a lack of talent issue with the women. I haven't seen every show by any means but the only time I've seen Sadie Gibbs is doing a run-in and I've only seen Shanna wrestle once (where she got way too much against Shida who should've been their top girl from the beginning). Conversely, I feel like I've seen either Riho, Britt Baker, and Nyla Rose every time I watch.

She hasn't said how she would've said it though.

The PWF Heavyweight belt. Those trophy shop cover-up plates looked so bad. It would've been easier to just slap some black paint on one of the 6-man belts or something.

She said she didn't say the n-word. She shouldn't apologize if she didn't do it. The rest is whatever. Locker room shit should be settled internally not publicly. And just so some people can expand their sample size past one. TELEVISION PARTNERS/COUNTRIES IMPACT 12/67 NWA 0/0 YOUTUBE SUBSCRIBERS IMPACT 3.08M NWA 183K TWITTER FOLLOWERS IMPACT 547.7K Tessa Blanchard 153.4K Allysin Kay 85.8K NWA 71.1K

Hopefully not. They only name these things to exploit the deceased.

They've spent a fortune on talent if the $100 grand a year minimum number Cody was throwing around is true. There's no way to make that money back on some of these guys especially if they aren't even entertaining the idea of running house shows. Why did they still do the Dark Order thing if they didn't have the guy they wanted cause it wasn't like it was something that was advertised much less teased? Not like Scurll was gonna be the savior. Open up wide and swallow up this flavor. News is back with another verse/I promised TSN I wouldn't fucking curse/Oops, I'm a liar. A goddamn heel/I gotta keep it salty to keep it fucking real/Now put your hands in the air and wave 'em like you do care/If you don't you gon' face my icy evil glare/Now wave 'em to the left and then to the right/Wave them fucking hands back and forth all fucking night/Now here goes Uno and there goes Stu/If you join Order, Uno might sit on you/I got a Beaver Boy One and a Beaver Boy Two/These two boys smash more beaver than any of you/I brought my whole squad to help expose all the frauds/You nerds treat Elite like they some kind of gods/We hit the scene hard, left no room for survival/Blew the walls off the dump like a Shockmaster arrival/Nick and Matt suck. Cody does too/Kenny's on his knees cleaning up the goo/Page aight. He don't mess with us/If he ever do, I'll Chartbust his cowboy guts/Order gon' spit mo nasty than Tessa on gas/Order gon' get mo nasty than Brian Knobbs' ass/Order running this shit. Deal with it mark/The Order is here and it's gonna get dark. Yo baby, yo baby, yo.

Jimmy Havoc as The Exalted One would be a failure of the analytics department cause his WAR can't be any better than Uno's. Not better on the mic, not better in the ring, somehow even dumber looking. I got an idea though. DJ Ran, get all up in their area and drop that beat! https://youtu.be/gCXdhWWQTyU Go on marks, let me hear all those boos/The Rapmaster's back and that's not fake news/Like a blind chick at a bukkake party/You never saw this coming, I ain't no Marty/I'm leading Dark Order to kick The Elite's butts/You don't like that you can lick my salty nuts! Yo baby, yo baby, yo! I said yo baby, yo baby, yo! Word to Dark Order.

I'll tell you what they should do, baby! Open the show with Reigns Goldberging Corbin. Shirts off for The Big Dog! Men's Rumble second. Lesnar at 1. Big E 2. Lesnar tosses E. Rusev from Rusev Day at 3. Bob from Lana Day at 4. Lesnar tosses Rusev. Then Elias plays out at 5. Lesnar tosses a distracted Bob. Kofi at 6. Lesnar tosses Elias. Otis at 7. Tucker at 8. Now Lesnar's getting rocked a little by the triple-team. Ali at 9. Lesnar clears the ring. IT'S BIG DOG TIME at 10! Reigns eliminates Lesnar. 11 Styles. 12 Bob Roode. 13 An Uso. 14 Ziggler. 15 McIntyre. >>FAST FORWARD>> Remaining after 26: Reigns, Styles, Another Uso, Murphy, Rowan. Seth Rollins in at 27. Big Show at 28. Rowan, Uso out. Clock ticks down for 29 and it's BUNKHOUSE BUCK! Show, Styles eliminated. Corbin at 30. Reigns tosses Murphy. AOP and Murphy help Rollins eliminate Reigns. Corbin tosses Rollins from behind. Buck clocks Corbin with his boot and wins the 2020 Royal Rumble! It's sign-pointing season in Bucksnort, baby! It's The Fiend vs. Bunkhouse Buck for the WWE Championship at the Showcase Of The Immortals, WrestleMania!

If the Undertakers asked for a yearly fee on the name instead of being marks and asking to work matches then they really would've made out. Or The Undertaker would've gotten a different name. And hasn't Slaughter been invited to the White House multiple times? If there was something questionable about his service record then you'd think someone would've caught it then.

I did pitch The Stable Of Studology to TNA. Reverend Robert Fuller and Dr. James Golden teaching losers how to become studs by purchasing Dr. Jimmy's Golden Elixir to nourish their body and the Reverend's teachings to nourish their minds and souls. They'd debut with a black gospel choir and Fuller banging a tambourine and telling the people to stand up and clap for the Reverend one time if they feel good. Clap two times for the Reverend if you want to feel good. Stand up straight, boy. Suck in your gut. Keep sucking, fella. Puff out your chest and act like somebody. Some of you pathetic excuses for men look like the only place you got to take a date is up to your clock tower. I got up one morning and looked in the mirror and thanked the good lord for giving me so much. Tall as a tree, strong as an ox, fast as a stallion, and as handsome and debonair as can be. And then I look out at the masses and wonder why the lord has forsaken so many of you. So I've turned over a new leaf. No longer are The Stud Stable a bunch of hell-raising ruffians. From now on we're devoting our lives to helping you sad sacks help yourself. So please, empty out those pockets and donate to the Stable and begin your journey to becoming a real man, baby! Then Eric Young on a losing streak buys in despite ODB's protestations. The Reverend takes his money and the Stable start helping him win matches. Then after a few months, EY runs out of money so the Stable lays him out and tosses him out into the street. ODB tries to help him up but he pushes her away and wanders off into the night. [INSERT Lonely Hulk music] The morning comes and we see EY digging through the trash where he finds an old donut but before he can take a bite, a hand snatches it away. It is Cody Deaner who appears to have fallen on hard times since getting dumped by ODB. He tells EY that he's in the wrong territory and if he wants to eat he has to fight. EY asks him , "You and what army?" EY is suddenly surrounded by hobos. An army of hobos. THE HOBO ARMY! They glom him and Deaner tells them to take EY to the queen. We see an old toilet sitting in an alley. A tall, skinny yak wearing an old bathrobe and a crown made of tin foil sits upon it. It's CLAIRE LYNCH! She raises a toilet plunger and declares that EY is trespassing in Hobo Army territory and if he bests her general Cody Deaner then he can sit beside her as the Hobo King. EY and Deaner do hobo combat in a dumpster match and EY dumps Deaner in the dumpster to become Hobo King. Now more crazed than ever, Hobo King Eric Young declares that the Hobo Army is expanding their territory into the Impact Zone! ODB continues searching the streets, under bridges, and hanging up posters looking for Eric Young. She encounters the returning Pope D'Angelo Dinero who tells her that the streets are talking and it's bad news for TNA, daddy. The Hobo Army invades the Impact Zone. ODB and Pope try to reason with EY. Young screams that Pope's got lust in his eyes for ODB and tries to take Pope's eye out which leads to a blindfold match between the two. Jeff Jarrett would return to tell Fuller to cut the Studology crap and give EY his money back and the Stud Stable would revert to their old hell-raising roughhousing ways and lay him out leading to a feud with Jarrett/Angle/Sting vs. The Stud Stable where if the Stable won, Karen Jarrett would become Fuller's maid for a month but if the faces won then Fuller would become Jarrett's butler for a month. The faces win and we'd get vignettes of Fuller having to deal with Karen and Jarrett's Brady Bunch-ass gaggle of kids until Bunkhouse Buck on a jetski leads a Stud Stable rescue mission outside the Jarrett's house. In conclusion, The Dark Order is too lame for Robert Fuller.

Matt Hardy would be a step backwards for IMPACT. He'd be a better fit for ROH these days. Vanguard-1 versus the Briscoes on the chicken farm. PCO running amok on the Hardy Compound. There's only been 4 WHC belts after the NWA split. Two with Panda and then the GFW and current one. They just painted the blue parts red.

Don't drop it to Rock. Intro The Shield there for a no-contest finish. Go into WrestleMania with The Ryback as champ against both Cena and Rock so "Once In A Lifetime" doesn't happen twice in a row. Roll with him til he breaks. How The Shield guys get affected is what's really important cause even then Reigns was obviously going to be the guy and Ryback was pretty much their whipping boy.

Corgan did try to merge all of TNA's titles into the Impact Grand Championship. Although he's also had like 4 NWA Women's Championship belts made so maybe he's just a belt mark now. The 6:05 time limit is so silly. I love JCP probably more than the next guy but the point of a TV Championship was so the people watching on TV who couldn't make it to the arena for a house show could see a title match on TV and the 10 minute time limit was because they had TV time. The NWA doesn't even do house shows and they're on the internet. They don't have any TV time limitations. Flair called himself a 60-minute man cause he'd wrestle for an hour. The NWA TV Champion, a 6-minute 5-second man.

It is minor and they could've easily pushed it back a week with a storyline explanation with either the eye or just her being an alien that boops but instead they spotlighted their mistake and their correction doesn't make any sense cause now Riho is being punished with having to defend against 3 opponents instead of just 1 including Baker who she already beat and who also just lost the number 1 contendership as well Nylalala being rewarded with a title match coming fresh out of suspension.

Nikolai Volkoff was homeless. He still managed to get good seats for every WWF show even before DiBiase bought him. Jameson looked like a bum but I'm not sure what he was supposed to be. He also managed to get really good seats. That might speak more to how poorly the WWF was doing at the time. Deep South Wrestling had The Bag Lady (Melissa Coates aka Super Genie). And hobos aren't really homeless. They're more like home-free.

In 1985, the closest Bret Hart's getting to a match with a Nature Boy is Buddy Landel. I just don't think he ever had the fire to make it in a Southern territory. In 1992, he wanted to jump with the IC title so he wouldn't have even been a WWF headliner yet. He'd have to be a heel in WCW cause he's using the top guy's finisher. Maybe say he came to the WCW cause he was tired of waiting for a World Title match in the WWF and since Sting had beaten Flair then he was actually the real World Champ. Then Sting beats him and he goes down the card to the US Title and feuds with Steamboat or Dustin Rhodes. Flair wanted Cornette as his manager as a Kentucky colonel for his WWF run.