MGFanJay

After so much time in a state of limerence, I finally have a nice sense of peace that things will work out no matter what happens. And after so much chaos mentally, just having peace feels good.

I hope we get the return of the YAMMA FIGHT PIT!

This has the potential to be MMA HUSTLE or just really sad - or both.

I've never done anything to stalk her - she's the one who initiated every part of our interactions online. I didn't have ulterior motives with her - but the time away has helped me focus on myself and heal a bit. Not feeling 100% there yet, but every day, I feel a bit better that things worked out for the best given how toxic things were for both of us at the end. If things are meant to be, then she'll reach out - the ball has been in her court since she ended things - beyond her having a friend get involved and message me, which was a bit weird.

Felt a great sense of peace today after watching more Thais Gibson content about avoidants and anxious attachment styles and how they can be great or oil and water and how broken bonds usually rebuild at the 6-8 week mark - and Kadie and I are at week 5, so...yeah I'm feeling pretty hopeful that she's in her healing phase alongside me.

Sorry the last month has been so trying for you, Natural. Trigger months are no joke. This past 6 weeks has been tough because my closest friend of the past few years ended things 11 days before Christmas, which is already a tough time and that's a week before my late mother's birthday - but the good thing about it is while I may have lost her, I gained so many other people. She and I were co-workers and had an instant rapport and things grew to where we were chatting constantly on insta, snap, text, twitter, and messenger at all hours of the night - including when she moved to Alaska in April for work. This past November, things got rocky when I asked if she saw us as a possible couple after she used even more pet names to describe me than usual and brought up wanting to have someone in every city she's in and I thought hey well this is the time given that she just that morning used one - but she nixed that, I told her I was fine with and practically - hey she's a million miles away, cool. But she got really snippy on snap for a long time after and then in her last snap told me that everything I did was with the ulterior motive to date her - and I thought okay, well I'd blown her phone up a few weeks prior overthinking and I"m just going to give her time and space because that's what she needed. I did that and got a text the next night ending the friendship without a chance to respond to anything - and that hurt pretty badly because I don't care how mad you are - you can talk to someone and clear the air. I sent her a message on her second insta because she hadn't blocked me there and just showed her my texts that she didn't see after blocking my number and said hey look we need to chat and this is a giant misunderstanding. She told me off - and okay, it's the next day, I'm not too shocked by that but the next week, her friend hits me up on messenger and threatens me for mentioning her on FB. I got rushed to the hospital during work on 12/17 because I collapsed - I hadn't been eating, had the runs and was really dehydrated and it took 3 liters of fluid for me to feel normal. I did mention her name on FB, but I was blocked so it shouldn't have tagged her and apparently it did and that must have set her friend off or family or something because her friend that she moved to AK for is ranting at me for being a stalker and she shut up about that when I brought up Kadie bringing me into every other social media aspect of her life - and it took me 2 months to text her back. She told me to never talk to her (the friend) again - but I did thank her the week later for giving me a sense of clarity because regardless of what my intentions were, Kadie was shaken by everything and that wasn't my goal. In going through all this, it let me really working on myself, researching attachment styles - realizing that Kadie fits the avoidant type and this is common behavior and I'm definitely anxious and I started therapy yesterday and felt better just doing that. I had a heart scare in November and told Kadie that the hope of seeing her again in April was a motivator in me wanting to get this done soon because I didn't want to be like my dad and die of a preventable heart attack young or like my mother just being too stubborn to ever get seen. Things were great there, but she seemed weirded out and I chatted with an online friend out of the blue via messenger and he said that her feeling gaslit by me could have been from the heart thing - but hopefully stuff works out because it does all feel like a misunderstanding. If not, then at least I'm working on myself for good reasons and not just for her benefit and I do believe in my heart that things will work out in time - a long time. Went through another break with my best high school friend Melissa where someone came between us and we didn't talk for 2 years - but that gave us a stronger bond for 20. With Kadie, I think her friend got in her ear and changed the narrative of everything I said - and I think that will come out in the wash down the road. I sure hope so because goddamn did we have some crazy bond and I miss her - but also see her flaws more clearly and realize that my support group was a lot stronger than I thought it was. My therapist helped me a lot by allowing me to see that Kadie may have just seen things as transactional given that I got her gifts like a laptop so she could keep streaming on Twitch - and I did that to boost her morale because she was really scared moving without her family or dog. She's also moved to a new part of Alaska in October and that adds to my thought of her being a bit out of sorts and being on-edge. Luckily, I still have all the good memories and thank God for that because I accidentally deleted our insta history - but still have the feelings it gave me of knowing that we aided each other and had some fun chats about reality TV, going to shows and just chatting about life. I want nothing more than to have her in my life again in a positive way - but we each need to do work on ourselves to ensure that things work out better in the long-run. I still hope to see her in April, but with far better circumstances overall than we would have had before.

I got a Pure Plank and love it - makes doing planks with iffy knees and a bad wrist much easier. Leaning out a bit and feeling better than I have in years

Goddamn that closing angle ruled. Just wrote 1,400 words about it for the Observer site - hopefully it goes up.

The Killer Kross interpretive dance shit is overkill.

Dusty's tits gained a cup size between belts.

Johnny Swinger having a career resurgence in 2019 and 2020 is unreal - but his act is great. I love that right away they leaned into the '80s Memphis-ness of it with a goofy music video.

When I saw that it was Impact's 16th anniversary, I had to do something here. Without me having fun blasting Impact here, I never would've gotten into regular wrestling writing via the Observer site.

I also had a ton of fun at the show. It was a huge improvement from my first ROH show in Manassas 8 years ago, and they did a great job pacing things out.

Roman vs. Cena was the best bad for business segment ever. And we also got this.