DEATH VALLEY DRIVERETTE 572014- RAMPAGE mfn BROWN! DEMOLISHION DAVIES! Ms DEEB!

[DEAN]

DRIVERETTE 572014

 

I wasn't in a Lucha Libre mood today.  Maybe tomorrow.  I jumped over to the current stuff holding my interest.  So yes, BEHOLD,  THE PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING!

 

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I'm in distress, I need a carress- what do I get?

 

########### DANSK PRO WRESTLING- KILLER KARLSSON vs DEMOLITION DAVIES- 11/17/2014:  Karlsson(1) trained yesterday's Swedish hero, Harly Rage.  Here, he wrestles the guy that Harly Rage wrestled yesterday.  The thing here though is that Demolition Davies is- in this match- the exalted CHAMPION of DENMARK!  I can only assume that while begirdling the belt that he is sullen and melancholy-  as he imitates the traits we the Danes posses while he champions over us.  Under his mask, his brow furrows as he stares into the abyss of existence- his soul as cold and lifeless as a Scandinavian winter.   Will the Swedish MENTOR to the hotbed that is Swedish pro wrestling have the grim determination of the Swedes to bring the belt out of Denmark and off the uncircumnavigatable waist of this Gothic interloper?  Kaarlsssonis a much lankier Swede than his ERRAND BOY- SENT BY SWS- TO COLLECT A BILL- Harly Rage!  He is 6'3" and 202 pounds.(2)  Meanwhile, across the ring, Davies is fifteen tons of buttery devastation.  What strategy can Karlsson use?  Was he fool to drive to Denmark?  Or was it one of those EuroRail thingys I read about?  Since Denmark is all about existential dread and stoic helplessness, the rotund German is the face and the fellow Scandinavian is the heel.  So I guess this is like going for Ivan Koloff when he wrestled Cowboy Bill Watts.  So shameful.  So Scandinavian. So Scandishameful.   The hated Swede tries to work the arm early but Davies uses so much of his life-sustaining fat to fling our heelish Swede straight overhead to the mat.   The crowd assumes that it is already over but Karlsson gets a shoulder, all just to get in position for Davies to use an impossible amount of fat to crush him in a Samoan Drop.  Karlsson, not wanting to become a Living Squeezed Tube of Toothpaste, battles out and crawls down Davies' back and shoots for the Sunset Flip, but there's too much Germanic Crisco in the can and Karlsson, luckily for him-  avoids the Industrial Refridgeration Unit-level ass-drop that Demoltion Davies tries to bring to Karlsson's face.  The story of the match is that Demolition Davies is much much much fatter than Killer Karlsson.  Which is actually A SHOOT when you think about it.  Davies goes into that mode-  like when he wrestled that 18 year from Denmark that we watched a few days ago.  Davies kind of  wallows around a bit disoriented and Karlsson tries all these wrestling holds that helplessly bounce off the Berlin Butterball!  Davies then crushes him with a corner clothesline- assuming the roll of a Teutonic Commando Boone, and then he assumes the roll of a Teutonic Rikishi by crushing Karlsson's face with Bison-like ass.  Karllssson survives and actually gets in a flurry of comical offense- hitting a really nice elbow drop in there somewhere.  And I mean comical not because it is performed well, but is performed on someone who towers over him in Fatness.  I mean, I like this Killer Karlsson guy.   He stays on offense a while.  THEN.  Davies counters with beautiful clubbing forearms.  How would I describe a Clubbing Forearm?  The wondrous sound of a 5 pound tube of hamburger being slapped against a cement floor; perhaps the melody of a pillowcase of tapioca pudding being flung against the wall.  Ah but a pale comparison of the true beauty of you- you sweet Clubbing Forearm.  Killer Karlssson chops and punches with all his strenghth but he does not have the FAT to control a man of so much FAT.  Davies crushes the Swede's heart with a punch and the Swede collapses like the US dollar.  Davies misses a Bossman Splash and it is all Karllllsssson can hope for- Fat working against Fat.  He tries a toprope splash but there is enough Swedish ass in his trunks to topple the Behemoth of a Thousand Spare Ribs.  Davies jumps up and lands with his several metric tonnes CHANNELLED into his ass and drives his wide-loaded keister directly through the chest of the Swede. And Killer Karlsson- in respects to this match- is no more.  493 Stars for 632 pounds of totally bodacious awesome.

 

 

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ WRESTLEBRATION 4- RAMPAGE BROWN vs MARK HASKINS- 7/2012:  It's our man, Rampage Brown from 2012.  He is from Leeds and Mark Haskins is from Oxford- so I'm guessing that they naturally hate each other-  as one is lead to believe because on the TV all British folk hate all other British folk from different counties or boroughs or whatever they're called.  Or so it seems from my experience of watching the Benny Hill Show.  I also assume that in Britain,  buxom young ladies find all kinds of ways for their clothes to be ripped off and all old bald guys are always being smacked very quickly on top and back of the head.(3)   I don't recall seeing Haskins wrestle before (which doesn't mean that I haven't seen him.  I am a million and I don't sleep much with all the night peeing.  Hey!  He was on the TNA?)  He slaps hand with all the kids- because what I've learned RECENTLY about Britain is that every child in Britain goes to every wrestling match every where.  So this means that British parents drop their kids off at wrestling matches like American parents dropped used to drop their kids off for Saturday matinees.  OR Great Britain is now morphing into Louisiana in 1986 for some reason.  Hopefully that means that Britian will develop an Anglo version of the Dirty Dozens Brass Band.  All we really need to know is that Haskins is really good at being a good-lookin' blond baby face- BUT THEN tries to crush the children he professes to love by crushing Rampage with million dollar fully out of control Tope Suicida to the rails and it is awesome.   Rampage is delightful because he will bump all over the ring for you and lean into your European uppercuts and make them look great- and then he will go on offence and just beat living dogfuck out of you.   Aaaaaaaaaand Rampage is done bumpin' and sellin' for the moment.  Arg, the flapjack, the drape across the toprope, THE ELBOW DROP, THE HEAD BUTT- so simple, so great looking.  Rampage will truly beat some heat onto a babyface and here he is just beating a forest fire on this fair-haired flower child.  JESUS.  Rampage fucking CRUSHES Haskins with psychotis forearms.  FUCK ME RUNNIN'.  Man, I think it is apt to compare Brown to Fit Finlay.  It's not that Finlay is the stiffest working guy on earth, it's just that everything he does looks GREAT.  And I would say the same with Rampage.  I dig this Haskins guy- his stuff looks really good too.  I am giving him the short shrift because Rampage is pretty much everything I want in wrestling.  But Haskins is fucking tough as nails for taking this ass-beating and I do appreciate that.   It takes a while for Haskins offense to attempt to reach the intensity of Brown's , but he does take a swing for it and it approximates the intensity so that you buy his comeback.  Jesus, Rampage counters the fourth superkick of the match with a freaking OVERHAND FALCON ARROW- the finest of the 5 I have seen in the last 8 days.  Haskins gives his all but this is continuously on the brink of a true Lorenzoing of Haskins- and it's really grreat as they head for the finish, as Haskins tries to beat his way out of the Lorenzo Zone and try to move more into the Finlay In The WCW US Title Division Zone.  He lands squarely in the middle- as Rampage cuts off his flurry by suplexing him over the toprope to the floor.  And its a time limit draw.  That was fucking great.  Postmatch, they almost ruin it with a threat of an indie postmatch hug. 

  

 

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ SMASH- SERENA DEEB vs TOMOKO NAKAGAWA- 7/15/2011:  Man, Smash should not have sauntered off this mortal coil so quickly.  It was such the new WRESTLE AND ROMANCE.  Except WAR didn't have a ladies division.  Here, Serena was going through the awkward phase of growing her hair out- though she does get Legit Heel heat for looking like that bitch at HR who won't approve your expense report.  Tomoko Nakagawa I vaguely recall.(4)  This is a wee match of 6ish minutes so we are looking at one of your higher grade TNA Knockout TV matches.  Something with a fired up Gail Kim would be comparable to this.  Kim and Deeb are both kinda buttless so it works on a couple of levels. (HA! Zero to creepy in only three sentences!)   They work out of the headlock and it leads to Nakagawa armdrags and dropkicks- as nobody in Joshi seems to want to whip anybody's ass anymore.  Deeb isn't based in the current Joshi so she does want to whip someone's ass and that makes all the difference in the world as she drops Nakagawa into a full Rib-breaker.  They do some nearfalls until Serena kicks Tomoko dead in the stomach and hits a spear for the win- as I guess we move on to SMASH's version of a 15 minute Dixie Carter promo. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKHQWomcHp0   

 

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ENDNOTES

1.  Or Karlson, if you want to believe Cagematch.net.

2.  http://www.cagematch.net/?id=2&nr=11511&name=Killer+Karlson

3. Ha!  Stupid Brits!  Be carefeul what send to America for syndication on late night TV in the 1980s!  

4. Cagematch.net sez she is 32, 5'1" and weighs- could it be? Omigod, it is!- 125 pounds.  She has been wrestling 9 years and do believe I have completely missed her career.  There is no mention of her using the Judo.

 

TOMORROW:  FUCK IT!  MORE RAMPAGE BROWN!  MORE SERENA DEEB!

[Dewar]

Serena's hair looks good in that match. Not as good as the boot to the ribs she delivers before the spear, but good.

[Curt McGirt]

 

 

Since Denmark is all about existential dread and stoic helplessness

 

and King Diamond. Don't forget about that.

[RazorbladeKiss87]

Serena's hair looks good in that match. Not as good as the boot to the ribs she delivers before the spear, but good.

Agreed.

 

I fully approve of the use of DMX in the pre-match graphic as well.

[BrianS81177]

Serena's hair looks good in that match. 

I didn't notice her hair. Attention was elsewhere...