SECRET SATAN 2023

[J.T.]

I love the seriousness of the characters in Horror Express even when they are talking about completely absurd shit like how an alien telepathic killer Neanderthal mummy, or whatever the fuck that thing is, murders people by emptying its victim's brain of all memories.

Telly Savalas is so pimp in this.  I want a pair of his Cossack riding boots.

Edited November 1, 2023 by J.T.

[Curt McGirt]

Lawful, thank you. Who knew mine would be the thorn in your paw? I'm glad you enjoyed it though (and your review is hilarious). 

Telly stomping around the train swilling from a bottle of vodka, wielding a sword and talking shit might be the best thing about the movie. And that's in a movie with alien-possessed zombies that are bleeding from the eyes! 

[Lawful Metal]

1 minute ago, Curt McGirt said:

Lawful, thank you. Who knew mine would be the thorn in your paw? I'm glad you enjoyed it though (and your review is hilarious). 

Telly stomping around the train swilling from a bottle of vodka, wielding a sword and talking shit might be the best thing about the movie. And that's in a movie with alien-possessed zombies that are bleeding from the eyes! 

I loved it.  Having to watch it in such a fractured way in spite of all the craziness in my life going on it really helped that the movie was, y'know, actually great.  I didn't even mention my own trip to the ER!

Lawful Jr. tells me his review will be done any minute. 

[RIPPA]

THE RUINS (Carter Smith, 2008)

IMDB

SELECTED BY @Lawful Metal

My daughter just read the book and was thoroughly traumatized, so can I request The Ruins?  No idea if its been done before, but damn I loved the book.

REVIEWED BY @Curt McGirt

This might as well have been tailor made for me. Beginning of last week I missed a step and had to start running down some stairs, kept running (this was an outside staircase up to a second-floor landing, and the house was set on a hill), and went down on my knees in the parking lot... which was made of large, sharp rocks. I got two puncture wounds, skinned both knees and ended up with seven stitches in the right one that have to go on Sunday. As you'll see -- fitting. 

Anyway, this opens with two couples of 20-something white kids at a Mexican resort in Cancun or somewhere, lounging around the pool. They drink margaritas and talk until one notices a missing earring and says a gobstopper of a line: "That was my favorite earring." Not "these are my favorite earrings", THAT... was her favorite earring, singular. Well! Now that we know what we're in for... 

The earring is immediately found by some young stud with a deep German accent and apparently his brother is out scouting some location in the jungle and he's supposed to meet up with him tomorrow, would you young pieces of cannon fodder like to come along? Of course they do! So, in the morning after one of them drinks too much and pukes in the toilet that morning, they pay some random Mexican to drive them up to somewheres in the jungle and find a spot prior mapped out that was apparently ancient Mayan ruins. They move like two, three branches and voila, the path! Which is extremely stupid for soon obvious reasons. The kids go down the trail and find an immense Mayan temple covered in vines that have what look like cannabis leaves on them. Soon as they show up some locals do too that don't even speak Spanish, are yelling at them in probably Mayan or something, and they end up shooting the dude that came with the German right in the face after an arrow in the shoulder. Uh oh -- up the temple they go! To quote the immortal Knights of the Holy Grail, "RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY!" When they hit the top they find a shaft to the center of the temple with a winch and rope, tents of prior visitors, and like the complete jackasses they are decide to go spelunking. Ze Yerman falls down the shaft and breaks his back. They manage to get him out, but keep hearing a cell phone ringtone down below, and decide to investigate again. Things... get worse. 

I really hated these kids right from the jump, so this was just an invitation to laugh at their misery, and suffer they do. It turns out all those vines on the temple are aliiiiiive, and end up infecting them, crawling under their skin; they steal away dead bodies; they have little flowers on them that parrot sounds (thus the ringtone), and meanwhile as they discover this the rest of the villagers have taken camp below to make sure these white pieces of bread don't get any further than the canopy. They even shoot a little kid that touches some vines. All sorts of grisly shit gets gotten down to with another choice line being "Let's take a vote. You know, raise your hands if you wanna cut off his legs."  So, the connection to my hospital visit last week: amateur surgery, including guess what... big sharp rocks! And boy, it is not pretty. Also, one of the girls ends up first jacking off and later outright sleeping with the boyfriend of the other couple while all this shit goes on! I guess you gotta fuck away the pain? 

Some of the actors are vaguely familiar in a "these kids were in a bunch of shit in the 2000s" way, specifically the two male leads, one of whom was Iceman in X-Men and the other was in the Texas Chainsaw remake (1st one) and Hostel. The production values and effects are high quality, CGI looks convincing, gore is VERY convincing. And that's what we're here for anyway, isn't it? The other benefit this watch has is its short run time as it flies by in an hour and ten. In, out; kill the kids, let's go bowling. I expected to dislike this a lot from the beginning and boy does it come off stupid still (well-obscured, that pathway! And so far from a fucking resort) but as nature-runs-amok goes this is fun. 

EDITOR'S NOTES

My apologies to Curt as he sent me this ages ago and it got lost in the shuffle (probably when the board was eating my posts).

It's on Paramount+. There are versions on Youtube but who the fuck knows what their quality is like.

[Lawful Metal]

I think it’s a little suspicious that Curt got Kurt’s movie and Kurt got Curt’s movie. Coincidence? Or Psychic Phenomenon?

[Lawful Metal]

4 hours ago, RIPPA said:

THE RUINS (Carter Smith, 2008)

IMDB

SELECTED BY @Lawful Metal

My daughter just read the book and was thoroughly traumatized, so can I request The Ruins?  No idea if its been done before, but damn I loved the book.

REVIEWED BY @Curt McGirt

This might as well have been tailor made for me. Beginning of last week I missed a step and had to start running down some stairs, kept running (this was an outside staircase up to a second-floor landing, and the house was set on a hill), and went down on my knees in the parking lot... which was made of large, sharp rocks. I got two puncture wounds, skinned both knees and ended up with seven stitches in the right one that have to go on Sunday. As you'll see -- fitting. 

Anyway, this opens with two couples of 20-something white kids at a Mexican resort in Cancun or somewhere, lounging around the pool. They drink margaritas and talk until one notices a missing earring and says a gobstopper of a line: "That was my favorite earring." Not "these are my favorite earrings", THAT... was her favorite earring, singular. Well! Now that we know what we're in for... 

The earring is immediately found by some young stud with a deep German accent and apparently his brother is out scouting some location in the jungle and he's supposed to meet up with him tomorrow, would you young pieces of cannon fodder like to come along? Of course they do! So, in the morning after one of them drinks too much and pukes in the toilet that morning, they pay some random Mexican to drive them up to somewheres in the jungle and find a spot prior mapped out that was apparently ancient Mayan ruins. They move like two, three branches and voila, the path! Which is extremely stupid for soon obvious reasons. The kids go down the trail and find an immense Mayan temple covered in vines that have what look like cannabis leaves on them. Soon as they show up some locals do too that don't even speak Spanish, are yelling at them in probably Mayan or something, and they end up shooting the dude that came with the German right in the face after an arrow in the shoulder. Uh oh -- up the temple they go! To quote the immortal Knights of the Holy Grail, "RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY!" When they hit the top they find a shaft to the center of the temple with a winch and rope, tents of prior visitors, and like the complete jackasses they are decide to go spelunking. Ze Yerman falls down the shaft and breaks his back. They manage to get him out, but keep hearing a cell phone ringtone down below, and decide to investigate again. Things... get worse. 

I really hated these kids right from the jump, so this was just an invitation to laugh at their misery, and suffer they do. It turns out all those vines on the temple are aliiiiiive, and end up infecting them, crawling under their skin; they steal away dead bodies; they have little flowers on them that parrot sounds (thus the ringtone), and meanwhile as they discover this the rest of the villagers have taken camp below to make sure these white pieces of bread don't get any further than the canopy. They even shoot a little kid that touches some vines. All sorts of grisly shit gets gotten down to with another choice line being "Let's take a vote. You know, raise your hands if you wanna cut off his legs."  So, the connection to my hospital visit last week: amateur surgery, including guess what... big sharp rocks! And boy, it is not pretty. Also, one of the girls ends up first jacking off and later outright sleeping with the boyfriend of the other couple while all this shit goes on! I guess you gotta fuck away the pain? 

Some of the actors are vaguely familiar in a "these kids were in a bunch of shit in the 2000s" way, specifically the two male leads, one of whom was Iceman in X-Men and the other was in the Texas Chainsaw remake (1st one) and Hostel. The production values and effects are high quality, CGI looks convincing, gore is VERY convincing. And that's what we're here for anyway, isn't it? The other benefit this watch has is its short run time as it flies by in an hour and ten. In, out; kill the kids, let's go bowling. I expected to dislike this a lot from the beginning and boy does it come off stupid still (well-obscured, that pathway! And so far from a fucking resort) but as nature-runs-amok goes this is fun. 

EDITOR'S NOTES

My apologies to Curt as he sent me this ages ago and it got lost in the shuffle (probably when the board was eating my posts).

It's on Paramount+. There are versions on Youtube but who the fuck knows what their quality is like.

Great review! So I think the movie works, but the book is 500% better. The movie shifts the characters and predicaments a bit and has a much darker ending. It’s also written brilliantly — no chapter breaks and a relentless pace of nonstop brutality. It’s one of my daughters favorite books! Highly recommended! 
 

Speaking of endings, when we rewatched it on paramount plus, the ending was different than I remember in the theater way back when.

 

Spoiler

In the rewatch, Jenna Malone’s character escapes, the Greeks show up, yada yada. 
 

what i remembered is this:

 

I think the second one is better for the movie, but again it’s all different and actually less dark than the book.

And sorry about the falling down the stairs and the puncture wounds. As someone who recently sprained my ankle horrifically (and then was in trial for the next three weeks straight on a walking boot and cane) and also suffered puncture wounds (albeit from knives) I can relate. Get well and keep trucking.

PS the new Panopticon is fucking brilliant.

[RIPPA]

BONUS REVIEW: DON'T LOOK IN THE BASEMENT (S.F. Brownrigg, 1973)

IMDB

REVIEWED BY @Curt McGirt

Been wanting to watch this lil' chunk of sleaze for many years now. It was reviewed in John McCarty's Official Splatter Movie Guide (which I bought as a kid) and I knew it as a feature released on countless uncopyrighted and public domain horror collections out there, so it was an instant find on Youtube. 

What a hoot. This piece of crap was released to piggyback off the success of The Last House on the Left, so Hallmark Releasing tagged the same "It's Only A Movie..." catchphrase onto it, as seen in the trailer above. What was on the celluloid was... well, let's say, not quite as transgressive and powerful as Craven's seminal work. I think Z would about be the Grade on this one. We start with a nurse saying goodbye to what are clearly a series of loonies: a guy who thinks he's a sargeant in the Army, a big simple black dude who plays with a toy boat, a girl who cradles a doll like it's a baby and threatens to kill anyone who touches it, etc. She goes down to tell the doctor she's quitting her babysitting job for this gang of goobers while he's encouraging this guy to chop wood with an axe, and go figure, he axes the doc right in front of her! She goes into damage control mode but one of the patients in this "clinic" kills her too. 

Next day a new nurse shows up, and is told by someone who's supposed to be a second nurse but is immediately identifiable as also a patient and pretending tells her the doc's dead, but she can stay on as new nurse. And then we get an hour plus of people acting completely batshit. There isn't another movie with more bulging eyeballs, screaming, yammering, gesticulating, moaning, and general bad acting that I can think of. It's like every single person was shown Barbra in Night of the Living Dead and said "here is your spirit animal, find your own version". One lady is obsessed with somebody "loving" her. There's an old lady who ends up cutting her tongue off but not before she croaks some creepy warnings to the nurse. There's a curly haired, barefoot goof that jumps out and scares people all the time. Another guy thinks he's a judge and is SUPER overwrought. Why the legitimate nurse doesn't understand she's in for it and jumps ship immediately is baffling; there is no procedure, no phone calls made to authorities by her (they cut the phone too of course), none of the patients have any security procedures keeping them from wandering around and screaming all the time, and that's what we get, a lot of wandering and screaming. It's really pretty funny. 

Of course things come to a head and we finally get a fair amount of blood -- okay, a lot -- though without any, you know, effects or anything that would involve actual movie magic. Some of the murders, you don't even know how they happen, they're so poorly shot! It really is amateur night here, let's-put-on-a-show type stuff, but that makes it entertaining, if you can deal with the screaming. I'd advise getting some weed for this one. Again: Grade Z, with a bullet. 

EDITOR'S NOTE

Can be found a lot of places. Full JustWatch listing

 

[Curt McGirt]

I'm still scabbed up but pretty much recovered from the fall. Took me three visits to get the stitches out (they took two out the first time, told me to come back later, second visit refused to even touch it because they couldn't find the sutures, third time I had it cleaned out and they got em out). In retrospect I liked the movie more than I let on, it was a nasty little piece of work. People doing dumb things is kind of a feature of horror movies anyway, not a flaw. Or however that line goes. Also, I stole the movie off Soulseek so I had no problem finding it  (Reminds me, I got Prey waiting on me. Meant to review it in time but oh well. I also wanted to get in a watch of Night of the Bloody Apes but no cigar.) 

[J.T.]

Yeah, the novel, The Ruins, beat me up pretty badly  I had hopes that the movie would be just as good but I also knew that if it were as bleak and gory as the novel, it would zero dollars at the box office.   I think that the movie is as close as it could be to the novel and still remain watchable.

Scott B. Smith kinda reminds me of Kiyoshi Kurosawa.  I don't think he intentionally sets out to write crime noir or horror.  I think he just has an idea about a story he wants to tell and then follows the rabbit hole wherever it leads.  

At it's heart, The Ruins isn't a novel about killer plants.  It's about Mother Earth telling us to go fuck ourselves for not being better stewards of the planet.  Just like how A Simple Plan is a novel / movie about dysfunctional family relationships that just happens to be a great crime thriller.

I'll tell you one thing.   I think The Ruins did for Mexican tourism what Jaws did for weekends at the beach.

Edited November 2, 2023 by J.T.

[Lawful Metal]

31 minutes ago, Curt McGirt said:

I'm still scabbed up but pretty much recovered from the fall. Took me three visits to get the stitches out (they took two out the first time, told me to come back later, second visit refused to even touch it because they couldn't find the sutures, third time I had it cleaned out and they got em out). In retrospect I liked the movie more than I let on, it was a nasty little piece of work. People doing dumb things is kind of a feature of horror movies anyway, not a flaw. Or however that line goes. Also, I stole the movie off Soulseek so I had no problem finding it  (Reminds me, I got Prey waiting on me. Meant to review it in time but oh well. I also wanted to get in a watch of Night of the Bloody Apes but no cigar.) 

which ending did you get?

[RIPPA]

SOFT & QUIET (Beth de Araújo, 2022)

IMDB

SELECTED BY Rippa

The simple reason is because it was on Netflix and it showed up on a bunch of MOST UNDERRATED HORROR~! lists. The bigger reason was around my feelings with what folks actively look for in movie reviews nowadays and how much of it is about the movie itself vs how much is it about *waves arms* whatever the fuck it is they want to perceive in the world.

REVIEWED BY @Execproducer

I went into Soft & Quiet completely blind, not having ever heard of it nor ever seeing a trailer. I was, however, somewhat primed for it by reading a news story about a Franklin, Tennessee mayoral candidate who showed up to a meeting escorted by a white nationalist group and telling her audience "you reap what you sow". Film opens with kindergarten teacher Emily (Stephanie Estes) in a school restroom having an emotional reaction to a pregnancy test.  She soon gathers herself and exits outside.  The film purports to be in real time so the camera follows her out. We then get a Richard Linkletter-style shot where she passes by a Latina custodian and the camera reverses course ahead of the woman as she moves forward until her path is crossed by a young boy and now the camera is following him around the front of the building where we see Emily emerge from the front entrance, now carrying a pie. The boy is a former student of her class so she chats with him while he waits for his mother to pick him up. Emily asks him if he'd like to see the pie and removes the tin foil covering it to show him something we can't see (yet). Noticing the custodian inside the building, she convinces the boy to go tell her that she is never to mop while there are still students who might possibly injure themselves slipping on the wet floor. While that is going on the boy's mother arrives and Emily tells her that he was nearly seriously injured! Fuck, I can see where this is going. Emily, pie in hand, then heads towards a nearby church for a planned meeting with other like-minded women. She is forming a community group to, umm, address some local issues. This being "real-time" we get the obligatory walking scenes. Along the way, she receives a collect call from jail that she ignores. We will learn later that this is her brother. Near the church she runs into Leslie (Olivia Luccardi). Fresh out of prison, she is the new employee of Kim (Dana Millican) , a local store owner who has invited Leslie to attend the meeting. Everyone arrives and adjourns to the meeting room of the church where Emily proudly reveals her homemade cherry pie to the group.

 

Of course there is a fucking swastika carved into the crust.

 

And so begins the inaugural meeting of the Daughters for Aryan Unity. Soon the group is individually airing their grievances. There is Marjorie (Eleanore Pienta), passed over for promotion in favor of a Columbian co-worker. Next is Alice (Rekah Wiggins) who goes on a mini anti-BLM rant. Then Jessica (Shannon Mahoney), daughter of a former KKK leader who says she is "active in StormFront" and pregnant with her fifth child. Then store owner Kim chimes in with her antipathy for Jew bankers, illegal immigrants and "colored kids". She wants to use her journalism degree to help the group counteract that damned Jew controlled media. And finally Leslie, who misses her racist prison friends and being in an environment where she is told when and where to go. She believes she has found that kind of "stability" with Kim and her family. Her desire to be a follower will be somewhat contradicted later as her and Emily will ultimately come into conflict for control of the group.

 

A priest pulls Emily aside and tells her to take her group and leave. Yes, it is a Catholic church. I guess these idiots aren't old school enough to know they're supposed to hate them too! Not that the good Father expresses any moral objections to what is going on here. He just doesn't want any trouble. That is probably a little harsh, but this movie has me a LOT harsh.  Like I'm about to J.T. my TV. Emily makes an excuse to move the proceedings to her home. Alice and Jessica depart for other commitments and the rest of the group head out to Kim's store to get some refreshments before going to Emily's place. At the store, two Asian-American sisters, Anne (Melissa Paulo) and Lily (Cissy Ly) enter  to purchase a bottle of wine. Kim, obviously fired-up from all of that sweet flowin' hatred, works against her own economic interests by attempting to throw them out. This leads to a brief conversation about federal law and Kim being, in Lily's words, " a tired old cunt", thus having insufficient reason to deny service. Yup, that is going to set this group off. Anne recognizes Emily and lets her sister know that she is "his sister". So it becomes clear that he is in jail for sexually assaulting Anne. Also sheds light on why she ignored his call. Race betrayer!. 

 

Anne wants to leave but Marjorie blocks the door. Emily bullies Anne into paying $300 dollars for a bottle of wine. As they attempt to leave again things get heated with slurs and pushing and shoving. Kim pulls a gun and tells the sisters to leave. Outside, Lily offers the parting shot that Emily's brother is likely to learn what it means to be raped in prison. This naturally causes Emily to freak out just as her husband Craig (Jon Beavers) arrives. With the group now riled up, Leslie has the brilliant idea to go vandalize the sister's home which is met with enthusiastic approval from the other ladies. Though clearly not a good guy, Craig nonetheless isn't down with his wife going around committing felonies and attempts to de-escalate the situation. This leads to Emily delivering one of the cringiest rhetorical castrations you are ever likely to hear. Well, if you can't talk sense to them, join 'em! Craig instructs everyone to leave their phones behind and is lauded for his knowledge of avoiding police detection. Emily knows where Anne lives because she has been keeping tabs on her. They find the house empty except for a small pup and locate an extra key stashed outside and enter. Craig stands guard and gives them five minutes to do what they want but his attempts at maintaining mission discipline go largely ignored. 

 

They hear Anne pull up and Craig tells everyone to hide. Anne opens the door but senses trouble and attempts to flee. Craig grabs her while trying to assure her it's all a joke and they are going to leave but this is where Leslie starts to go full crazy and ties Anne up. Craig tries to get everyone to follow him but runs into Lily outside and ends up dragging her into the house. Unable to get anyone to follow his lead, he basically decides he has committed his last felony for the day and leaves, no doubt to get his affairs in order. This is where things rapidly fly downhill as the group dynamic boils over like teenage hormones as some wilt and others rise to the sick occasion. What happens next is torture, rape with an object (fortunately off, or more accurately, beneath screen), a death and a hint of possible justice. 

 

Let me just get the few positives out of the way. The real time aspect was achieved by filming run-throughs over a four day period, beginning at the exact same time everyday in order to match the day to night time frame. The bulk of the film comes from the fourth day with bits inserted from the previous ones. The actresses are mostly familiar faces though Olivia Luccardi is  the only one I immediately recognized from her stint on Orange is the New Black. The acting is also uniformly good though I found Luccardi just a touch over the top. This appears to be the first feature for director Beth de Araújo and she is clearly talented. The film is well paced and even the couple of walking scenes are effectively used for character development. 

 

Yeah, for me at least, that about does it for positive. I've read a few reviews that talk up the suspense but I felt none at all. I found everything that happens after the Daughters meet the sisters to be fairly predictable with actions leading to obvious reactions. Torture via rubbing food all over someones face and jamming it into their mouths? Bet someone has a food allergy. Yup. This is a slow moving, disgusting, infuriating car wreck. Even the very last shot is telegraphed a mile away. I'd watch a double feature of Requiem for a Dream and Grave of the Fireflies a hundred times before I'd ever watch this again. Apparently inspired by the Central Park bird watching incident, it plays more like a twisted, hateful, female version of Lord of the Flies. I guess I'm just not into the kind of horror that actually occurs in real life and quite frankly this doesn't even qualify as horror. It's American History X minus any type of redemptive angle. Maybe I'd have a slightly less negative opinion if not for the times we live in but probably not. So, with sincere apologies and absolutely no judgement towards whoever chose this, FUCK THIS FILM!!!!

 

Looking forward to next year. 

EDITOR'S NOTE

Well well well - look who ruined Exec's Halloween this year.

 

It is on Netflix

 

[RIPPA]

I have one more official selection to post - which I will do tomorrow (Friday)

I will double check for any bonus reviews that I haven't posted (but I think I got them all)

If you are planning on doing a bonus review - please get it to me by Monday so I can close up shop

[Curt McGirt]

9 hours ago, Lawful Metal said:

which ending did you get?

The one you posted.

[RIPPA]

EVIL DEAD RISE (Lee Cronin, 2023)

(Red Band Trailer)

IMDB

SELECTED BY @J.T.

REVIEWED BY Lawful Jr.

Evil Dead Rise is a 2023 film directed by Lee Cronin, about a reunion between two estranged sisters that gets cut short by the rise of flesh-possessing demons, thrusting them into a primal battle for survival as they face the most nightmarish version of family imaginable.

As someone who has never seen any of The Evil Dead movies, this is a very interesting introduction to the franchise as a 90 minute horror flick that is unapologetically silly, disgusting, and obscenely violent. It features quite possibly the greatest opening and ending title cards I’ve ever witnessed in any movie, and while it does take a while to get going it’s an absolute blast once it does get going.

And as an introduction to the concepts of The Evil Dead franchise, it’s great too. While the way it’s actually introduced in the film is a bit cliche and underwhelming (Evil audiobook turns off the power and demons spawn in the area) everything else was great. The Necronomicon and it’s audiobook equivalent are both great (especially with end credits showing the amazingly illustrated pages of The Necronomicon) and the audiobook having the priest say that cutting apart the demons results in the remnants still coming after you, to have the crazy mass of flesh and arms that is the fusion of the demons be thrown in a wood chipper is great.

All in all Evil Dead Rise is a very fun horror flick that does what it sets out to do and is great even for people who are not familiar with Evil Dead.

[J.T.]

Lawful Jr. had to watch my pick?  I am the worst internet uncle ever.

His review is very concise.  I am impressed!

[Lawful Metal]

On 11/6/2023 at 3:27 AM, J.T. said:

Lawful Jr. had to watch my pick?  I am the worst internet uncle ever.

His review is very concise.  I am impressed!

He’s 17 he can handle it! Lawful Jr is NOT the author. 

[Curt McGirt]

Just thought about this: Don't Look in the Basement would be a shoe-in for MST3K/Rifftrax.