assfax

Finally got Pilotwings 3DS for 6 bucks used with box, manual and club nintendo code unredeemed. That's the nice price. My observations: The 3D sucks on this. I never thought I'd flat ass turn the effect off but the game is blurry on all settings to my eye. Other than that it skews closer to the N64 one that I never liked. So far no parachute jumps or secret stages. I know there's more but right now it's just plane, jetpack and hang-glider. Everybody knows hang-glider sucks. This should be 9.99 on eShop. I would've bought it then. No I wouldn't've. Amazon had some shitty browser extension that gave you five bucks off so I had a half decent reason to get DK tropical freeze. People weren't shitting when they said the boss fights take forever. Just that first walrus guy was like 7 minutes. Good stuff but on the other hand the amount of shit to collect per level is just going to infuriate me when I couldn't even get all the puzzle pieces on any of the stages from the first world. Did get the secret exit tho'. If they had a time limit on this shit I'd crack the disc in half. Cranky is the superior buddy in my experience. Club nintendo reward was a free game so I also got DKC Returns on 3DS. Was kind of resigning myself to skipping this in favor of just going to the Wii U one but for fucking free I had to get it. I started out trying to get boxed games for 3DS but then was an impatient bastard with a cheap 32 gig SD card. That's what they have over Vita. That, and more games I'd actually pay money for. Coincidentally I also got tearaway used for vita. First game cartridge I actually own. Everything else is PS+ shit, PS1 and digital only shit (Spelunky, Olli Olii). I put it in but hain't even played it. It took me a while to figure out how I actually put a game into the system. I remember not loving the demo. Mainly 'cause it was one of those ponderous platformers where you can't attack enemies. Feels very Namco. Little big planet guys made it right? Hated LBP.

What's next? Yew gonna say the embossed VHS box for Black Roses is awful?

New Conan movie: More like Keanu the Barbarian. (nailed it) The parts where I said "that's lame" outweighed the parts where I said "movie fucking rules!". I remember Conan doin' a lariat and picking up a big chain to hit a horse. That part where he has to fight 50 sand warriors was the worst level in the game. All throughout I kept noticing how shitty the pacing was. They rushed everything that wasn't a major effects shot. Also lame was that witch daughter where she had real shitty CGI to remove her eyebrows but on blu-ray it just looked like everything above her temples had no texture. Also I had to look it up to confirm that it was actually Rose McGowan. Also lame was how the fucking badguy at the end didn't even get extra powers. At least Skeletor turned into gold at the end of Masters of th' Universe. Also lame was how that disembodied hand didn't come back and annoy Conan when he thought the coast was clear. Also, never knew the hero lady's name. They probably yelled it real fast at the end of one of those truncated exposition scenes. 'member that PS3 Conan game with Ron Perlman that I almost enjoyed save for the final boss? Way better. Not this Harry 'n' th' Hendersons shit. Beginning of the movie = Twilight Princess + Assassins Creed III + Rise of Nations. Should've had the Cast a Deadly Spell ending where the pure blood wasn't pure 'cause Conan gave her the ol' crushing blow. The Shawshank Redemption voiceovers also dropped off the face of the earth. 2 dollar blu ray tho'. There were a couple titties as well.

Nightbreed Director's cut blu ray is coming out. Bet yer ass I pre-ordered the limited edition. I never do that.

Scanners comes out this month and should be on the B&N deal.

Even though I don't have a PS4 you bet your ass I go on the website and add the free games to my queue.

I was enjoying Mario Kart 8 for a few weeks, then realized I could steer with the regular d-pad. Now it's godly. I get beyond angry when the cpu fucks me over in the last race and keeps me from getting the 3 star shit. Online, I never get mad because it doesn't matter. Soon as I get all the characters I'm never playing the computer again.

Games I want to play that actually come out soon. Captain Toad: more of that great Lolo/Mole Mania type shit please. new dragon age: can't suck as much as the last one did. Far Cry 4: want to shoot the shit. ===- mario maker needs a thing like super meat world had where you can string levels together to form worlds.

I had a gnat stuck between the outside and the display of my LED TV. Of course you don't think it's inside at first. So you brush it with a scrap of paper. Then, upon it's indifference, you use a little pressure. Then, realizing you just killed the motherfucker you angrily consult google. Then you stand up and look around your big fucking TV. You blow into the back vents. You entertain notions of a late night excursion to Wal-mart to get a can of compressed air. Then you read about a suction cup method. Initially disregarding it because you assume the bug is smeared inside and slowly immolating itself into incandescent immurement. Then, at peak anger, you start looking for a small suction cup. I went through some old toys thinking there had to be something that had one. I never liked spider-man so no such luck. But suddenly, ho, SEGA SATURN STEERING WHEEL. I contemplate pulling one of the cups off but think better. I carefully position this heavy sumbitch over the afflicted area. It eagerly inhales. THE BUG DROPS... about three inches. This thing was in the middle right of the screen. I realize that the suction cup isn't letting up gracefully. I wonder if this will fuck up my screen. I can't get a digit in to fingernail it. I just pull back hard. The outer film pulls further than you'd think. It breaks free, no visible damage or weird rainbow gas puddles appear. I move the hulking peripheral into the new spot, then pull again and slide it down to the bottom of the screen. I exclaim wordlessly and with great enthusiasm. While writing this bullshit a small gnat flew onto my screen. It was in front of it. Was it the same cocksucker? I grabbed that previously mentioned scrap of paper and got it to land upon it. Then crushed it and confirmed the kill. A man's TV on the weekend is sacred.

That's where you tamp your ashes.

Hold the shit on. They aren't going to air their own TV show on the network? This is the only time I've been sitting right at fucking home on a monday since this started. Don't even use this thing as a night-light anymore. Supreme bullshit.

What exactly is the point of any sort of paid news when anything of actual import will be pigeoned across the world upon utterance? Paid opinion seems to be what people actually want. Or is that one of those questions that answers itself?

When UFC comes out, that will determine if I go and blow 500 bucks next month. If it's good that is. Does it retain that good Pride mode which was the only thing I thought was good on the last one? Is the striking all full of molasses like the EA MMA? I kind of liked aspects from both of the last two MMA games. Hated the stupid keep-away octagon submission system. Some of the position jockeying shit was intuitive. Seems like you should just keep most of that shit hidden behind stats and the time in which you impugn your skill. Cut out straight ahead bullshit where someone can flat-ass go for the gusto on the outset but let lambs be slaughtered. BUT do not disallow the fact that a well placed blow can annihilate a motherfucker. This goes against fighting game logic but it doesn't go against simulation logic. Have yer arcade mode where I can have insane openweight freakshow matches. Sentoryu vs Giant Silva. Main thing I'm saying is that Muggsy Bogues is Muggsy Bogues.

Did I just double quote myself? The answer is self evident.

I'm reading more than I ever did when I was way into it but do not follow any of the news/creator bullshit. Last I recalled DC did that bigass new 52 reboot. My question is: Was there another reboot after that? I struggle to understand a lot of how new big name books chronologically play out. If those old Wizard price guides still existed, each issue would be 900 pages. Marvel also did a reboot but they didn't call it a reboot and kept most of the lineage right? This Jason Aaron Thor shit seems to be the greatest Metal Hurlant story ever, and also seems about as far from Dr. Donald Blake as a Jheri curl. DC kinda did a clean slate except for Batman as far as I know. MAIN THING: was this actually about getting new #1s out the goddamned or what? Thing that's confusing me is where I was reading that new Mark Waid Daredevil and then it started over but it was the same shit. I can take the lameass intervallic explanation with how they wanted to get from Shadowland to status quo. I am getting foggy, pun intended after the fact, on whether things like mortal injuries or deaths got reset. I ain't keeping up with monthlies at fucking all. Maybe I don't even fucking care as long as all old stories I'm reading get brought to their full conclusion. Even abiding tales brought prematurely to their end by a higher power. Quoting Simpsons: We want closure. Especially if I'm blasting through years after the fact. This will always be an issue won't it? At least for named superheroes. I recall reading a shitload of goddamned great Greg Rucka Wonder Woman and then it suddenly had to deal with that horseshit where WW snapped Maxwell Lord's neck and it was filmed and shown out of context. Same thing happened with that good-ass Incredible Hercules comic where it always seemed 3 steps away from greatness yet it always had to stay in second gear out of fucking deference to some confound committee. Gonna stop now because this is all just sounding like an argument within my own head.

Scrawny-head 90s Hulk just shows why he never got any great Golan-Globus films. Even after he tried to deflate his fucking gigantic stop sign, he always had that old Jewish army general face. Especially after he slimmed down. You can't pull off something like the Double Trouble "sink-litterbox-workout-neighbor-orgasm" scene with that leering, kid TV host smile. I mean, quoting "It's the 90s, we're going to sue you" only takes you to the outskirts of town as far as I'm concerned these days. Answer the goddamned clarion call and stick to wrestling more aesthetically pleasing shitty actors underneath a fucking rubber costume. SHIT

Just a couple more years before we get an amazing Butcher movie starring Seth Gilliam.

Did Samoa Joe die or something? What's with the sudden inexplicable resurgence? He's sucked longer than he was good as far as I know.

Sin & Punishment and Marble Mania are two games that were better because they were on Wii.

Just imagine if they kept the ending where the lady shows up at his school as a new girl.

Angel Heart: First off, fucking amazing movie. I have two gripes with it. As soon as he meets De Niro my mind instantaneously unraveled the entire twist plot. Second, that fucking baby at the end had me laughin' my ass off when I should've been goin' "Holy Shit!". Movie was fucking amazing but I wish I was stupider so that I wouldn't Stay-Puft the movie in the first fifteen.

Dressed to Kill, one word review: Ponderous.

So I watched this first movie on this Samurai Trilogy deal. I spent the entire movie not understanding why all these fuckers were trying to catch the guy. That was most of the movie and it didn't seem to explain clearly why. Even reading the wikipedia page right after; it just says that he's a fugitive after that initial battle. Why? Then there was this part where all the old fuckers got a posse together and were going to kill him and the girl. Then it's never followed up on. I understand there's two more movies but this was mainly a mess when it came to showing why things were happening. Then again they probably needed to jam the first 500 pages of hallowed legend into ninety minutes so they could get to the main shit in the sequels. Seems like you'd want to do a little more than just read books for three years and do no real application of that knowledge until after. Room must've stank like a million farts.

This is what happens in the king's room next week.