DEATH VALLEY DRIVERETTE 02182016! EDDY motherfucking GUERRERRO~! APOLO DANTES~!

[DEAN]

WELCOME TO YOUR DEATH VALLEY DRIVERETTE~! for 02182016!

 

PRO WRESTLING HEAT UP- 1/7/2016

[RASMUSSEN]

 

My new motivation:  I typed out the matches so I might as well review them.  Plus, I need some less great wrestling to even me out.  I assume this will even the crap out of me. I am fascinated by Pro Wrestling Heat Up- mostly because I haven't watched enough of it to go, "P'ffffffff!  Not that shit again!" But YOU know that I have been wrong before.  Let us explore the slimy underbelly of the slimy world of Japanese Indie Wrestling.

 

HIROSHI KONDO/ HIROSHI WATANABE vs FUMINORI ABE/ MASA TAKANASHI: Maaaaaaan, you want indie?  YOU!  I'm talking to YOU!  You want indie?  Well, this here is indie.  Of these four guys, only Masa Takanashi has a cagematch.net profile.  Do you know how nigh impossible that is?  That's like finding an unbroken electronic device in my house.  This is like finding three unbroken devices with original cords attach to them.  Hell, it would be easier to find a virgin at Radford University!  (HA! We kid the slatternly ladies of Radford!  FUN!) Takanashi is an Ultimo Dragon trainee because a UD trainee is as much a part of Japanese Indie Wrestling as the ropes and the ring and the 15 dollar pictures with Goro Tsurumi.  I use Cagematch AGAINST ITSELF! and search for Kondo's name in the results and he has been wrestling for Heat Up since May 2014- so if you add up the opening matches in Union Pro, GUTS World, Freedoms, Asuka Project and Style-E matches, he's probably got a hundred matches under his belt.  C'mon, ya German psychos!  Get this man a profile! Mostly, so I can see which of these guys he is.  I hope he is the shleppy bald guy who looks like he started working out at a gym where Kenichiro Arai worked out and eventually he ended up here, hopefully because of a fixed horse race wager gone awry.  "You wrestle for 6 months for me for free or we take your pinky!"  Takanashi looks like the second replacement rhythm guitar player for Church of Misery, except scrawnier. This match itself is really fun, actually.  They don't do anything amazing or awesome but they hit everything well and you don't think that these were put on the card because their uncle owns the ring.  Though I'm sure there is an indie story here somewhere.  Takanashi is actually got some pretty nasty looking offense, in that he will lay it in, in a first match level that makes one wonder if he would be fun getting the hell beaten out of himself on a Big Japan strong style undercard tag match.  He is really great at getting you to hate his smug little face five minutes after you see him for the first time ever, and that is rare and good in wrestling.  I could see Kazuki Hashimoto getting fed up with him and slaughtering him with kicks to everyone in Japan's delight.  Scrawny bald man is also fun as he gets in the Offence Of The Damned, posing in babyface glory before Abe and Takanashi beat him to death.  Baldness does a sweet backbreaker hope spot and THEN HITS A FUCKING EVEREST GERMAN SUPLEX FOR THE WIN!  So far, Pro Wrestling Heat Up is HEATING UP up my interest in watch more HEAT UP matches!  Finest WCW Main Event opening match in the history of Japanese Indie Wrestling!   

Coming up over the next couple of days:

GENERAL TY YAMADA/ SUPER TAKESHIMA MACHINE 1/ SUPER TAKESHIMA MACHINE 2 vs MUSHUKO NO SEKIKO/ MUSHUKU NO SEIKO/PSYCHO:

CHANGO vs AMIGO SUZUKI: 
KOTARO NASU/ SHINYA ISHIDA vs DAISUKE KANEHIRA/ KOJI IWAMOTO:
KAZUHIRO TAMURA vs KENICHIRO ARAI:

~!~

Heartbreaker soul shaker

I've been told about you SINGLES GOING STEADY steamroller midnight shoulder

What they been saying must be true

~!~

 

EDDY GUERRERO /APOLO DANTES/ CESAR DANTES vs FUERZA GUERRERA/ EL SUPREMO/JACQUE MATE- EMLL- 11/10/1991- [RASMUSSEN]:  Eddy, Eddy Eddy. My aunts from my dad's side were visiting us in Arkansas the day that Elvis died.  My aunts are Hawaiian so there was different bond with Elvis.  They were not from the South so it wasn't like blue haired ladies weeping about the man who was the soundtrack to their youth.  With my aunts, it was sullen, silent weeping- like a friend had died.  It was the Elvis/Bruce Lee type thing that I still don't really understand, there are things that bind my dad's side to things Asian by proximity. I have trouble getting their perspective on things because it is so different than the mid-atlantic perspective of my mom's side.  My guess is that Elvis was an outsider that won the hearts of my aunts right before they left Honolulu in 1959 and they carried it with them to California, then Virginia in 1960, and all that culminated in the triumph and merging of "Blue Hawaii" or something.  Its mystical and vague like the entire poverty-stricken lives of my dad's side of the family.  SO there are a lot things outside of my experience that I notice since I am first generation on the mainland.  Elvis dying was one of those things.  Eddy Guerrero was Elvis in this comparison and my aunts are we first generation internet wrestling fans.  Eddy was outside of most of the ideas of wrestling that I was raised on but he was awesome from the first time I saw him, I accepted him on his own terms and was a die-hard fan to the end.  Everytime he pops up like this on my YouTube feed, or like last week when they showed a match against Rey Misterio on WWC to promote Rey Misterio coming to Puerto Rico, it's like my aunts when "Are You Lonesome Tonight" comes on the Music Of Your Life station they listened to when they played Canasta for 9 hours at a stretch.  It's easy to get sentimental about Eddy Guerrero, even at this point after so many wrestlers have died and made many of us fans hardened and immune to the process.  The thing about this match is that it also has Apolo Dantes in it.  I've seen maybe ten Apolo Dantes matches.  For me, the most important match of these was the first one I saw- which was from 1995, if I remember correctly, and was a singles match against Silver King.  It was important for me as a wrestling fan because it was a breakthrough- as I had pretty much summed Lucha Libre in my mind at the time as fun outfits and crazy highspots and I was ready to settle my opinions of it and veiwing habits accordingly.  This was the first time I said, "WAAIIIITTT. Lucha Libre can have really great singles matches?  I will start watching more of them."  The thing is that the Dantes/Silver King match is, in hindsight, not even all that close to the strengths of a great Lucha Libre singles match.  There is no blood, no hate, no primal violence.  But it was the doorway to actually paying attention to the next El Hijo del Santo vs Negro Casas match- which then leads you to looking for the unique characteristics of a great Lucha Match- blood, hate, manliness, pride, revenge, honor- you know, the reasons that make pro wrestling actual art.   So that is where I start with this match.  ONE can only hope that it doesn't suck ass. The match starts with Cesar Dantes who is a better looking than his brother, I believe- though I am not a man who finds other men attractive I keep telling myself. Supremo is coated in gold!  He and Cesar do the arm wringers and arm drags and one gets to ease into the match with little things to entertain you as you start to get the blood flowing for the EXCITEMENT to come. Apolo Dantes tags in and body slams Supremo and I remember why I like Apolo despite him being hideous compared to his gorgeous brother (probably.  Not gay.)  Jacque Mate and Apolo Dante do basically the same as Ceasar and Supremo but it is more intense because Apolo makes really great faces to make your mind attach to the submission hold.  That is the difference in a lot of wrestling, it matters not from where it comes.  But we are still easing in as Eddy Guerrero and Fuerza Guerrera start even more tricked out mat work. Eddy and Fuerza start pulling each other's hair and the fun actually starts as they trade suplexes and Fuerza gets pissed at Eddy being such an upstart punk.  Fuerza just starts beating on Eddy and everything breaks lose as EVIL kicks everybody's ass.  Cesar gets some offense in and this is where I notice that this is a good example of the father-like yammering that I subject my children to (and I know that they will one day have children and force them to listen to THEIR insane bullshit about stuff nobody else could possibly give a shit about, so it is all cool with me.  I can see the big picture and that big picture will be about how 2-d video games were better than these hologram video games, or some bullshit that will annoy my ADOOOORRRRRABBBLLLE grand-children.  I will give them candy and money and tell lie to them about their parents.  It's gonna be awesome.  "You know I caught your momma eating a stick of butter once.  She was 15!"). My 11 year old is into the WWE (though he is being lured into the NBA- by having just started playing NBA 2k16.  I love that about him.  He gets really into something for a few months then puts it on the backburner once he gets really into something else.  Then he re-visits them later.  I miss him being really into Kiss and AC/DC.  I do not miss him being really into Minecraft.) He watches Smackdown and RAW and NXT (he used his birthday money to get the WWE Network.) and he will record Impact. He likes the action but he hates all the talking. Everytime we watch RAW and he fast forwards over Stephanie McMahon talking for 15 minutes, I sometimes talk to him like my uncle used to talk to me about rock and roll in the 50s- "these GODDAM kids today don't know how to do it! I was playing with a combo at navy bars in Ocean View until FIVE in the morning!" I should show my boy this match to show him that your OLD SCHOOL guys didn't need a five week set up with 180 minutes of talking to tell a wrestling story.  Your GREATS could do it all in the ring.  LIKE THIS!  Eddy is a technico in this.  I didn't realize that when it started because Apolo Dantes was always a rudo.  Supremo and Jacque Mate are on the periphery of my Lucha Libre experience so they could have gone either way and I wouldn't have been surprised.  Fuerza is a rudo and that is the only constant I had going in.  I don't know who hated who or who did what to who to set-up this match or if there was even anything to get these 6 particular wrestlers together in ring at this particular time.  But I watch the match and I know the story because they pick it up cold off the floor and make it come alive as soon Apolo Dantes makes the first facial expression of intensity and annoyance at Jacque Mate,and kicks into gear when Fuerza gets fed up with the upstart technico Guerrerro and starts punching everyone.  The story is told through wrestling- Eddy and Fuerza are both very technically proficient and both can totally go on the mat in a classic Lucha Libre style, SHOWING you this in the first 45 seconds they lock up.  The difference is that Eddy is younger and thus a hair faster- thus all the tricky take-downs.  Fuerza is a victim twice, escapes, grabs Eddy's hair, gets up, looks at his life passing him by as this smirking kid makes him look like chump- AND THESE FUCKING FANS CHEER FOR HIM- and he says, "Fuck them, fuck this guy and fuck those guys." They trade SWEET suplexes and Fuerza keeps getting more pissed off to the point of just up and attacking the technico corner.  The rudos feel unity and also love a good fight, so a brawl breaks out.  Nobody has to translate anything from Spanish or direct you towards a Youtube synopsis of the contract signing or whatever.  It's all right there in the ring.  And it's a pretty basic story here.  Great lucha goes deeper then any other style, when it comes to being able to tell a story completely in the ring. I love the whole sub-context that Fuerza knows pretty much all the technical moves that the young technicos know but there is no way the young technico knows the depths of cheating that Fuerza will sink to get the edge.  And THAT story is as old as wrestling that I can remember.  That is every Ric Flair NWA traveling champion match. The Lucha Libre aspect that adds to the allure of this match is seeing what a great bumping rudo Supremo is and how fun the Dantes are with the tagteam moves.  Eddy takes the first fall with a missile dropkick and pins Fuerza with one knee across the chest WHICH I'm assuming WILL NOT STAND. Fuerza is ELECTRIC on the apron, clapping for Cesar as he outwrestles Supremo all the way out of the ring, but clapping for Cesar just enough to give him a false sense of security as Fuerza tries to jump on him as he turns his back.  Little details of rudoness are the key.  Apolo tags in and Fuerza walks over to Eddy and says, "Tag this young punk.  I want him."  Apolo refuses and Fuerza tries to shake his hand but kicks him in the stomach instead, because Fuerza is awesome.  Apolo responds with three hiptosses and double armdrag to the floor.  Apolo tags Eddy and Jacque Mate gets a chance at the young fella.  Eddy tries to match strength with Jacque and almost wins after bridging all the way to his back and powering back up, just to have Jacque kick him in the stomach for this effort.  Eddy has learned a valuable lesson about the advantages of not giving a crap about the rules, or the fans, or the ANYTHING else that gets between you and WINNING! Eddy and Jacque have an awkward exchange that is completely smoked by Apolo Dantes and Fuerza Guerrera just fucking killing it a million miles an hour running the ropes.  Fuerza gets monkey flipped by the end and bails out to the floor.  Jacque comes over and calls him a pussy, and you get another layer. Jacque punchs Cesar in the face and mauls him with a headbutt and they maul him some more in the corner as Jacque beats on Eddy for trying to make the save.  Fuerza sees an opening and goes to settle Eddy's hash as Jacque holds him and punches him in the stomach, throws him to the floor and beats on his punk ass right their in front of his stupid fans!  Supremo meanwhile gets the last recorded pinfall from a lateral suplex in the history of wrestling (probably)and then all three grab an Eddy limb and twist and spindle to get the pinfall of EVIL!  They kick Apolo as he drags Eddy out of the melee because they are evil and don't give a fuck.  Fuerza is in the ring and is all up in Eddy's business, daring him to get back into the ring.  So the third fall is Eddy and Fuerza to settle the score.  Fuerza punches him dead in the face and they pummel him in the rudo corner until Hermanos Dantes makes the save.  Eddy drags Fuerza to the middle of the ring and Eddy is fired up!  He hits the Ricky Steamboat forearm and bounces Fuerza all over the ring while Cesar, Apolo, Jacque and Supremo stomp each other at ringside.  Then Eddy holds Fuerza so Apolo can hit him with a dropkick after hitting the belly-to-belly but Fuerza ducks.  Eddy wrangles him back and Apolo goes up top for a Missile Dropkick but Fuerza ducks again and Apolo nails Eddy, allowing Fuerza to get the pin and then stand on Eddy as people take pictures.  Post-match, Eddy goes crazy and beats on the Dantes like a maniac!  Eddy turns evil and one of the greatest heel runs in wrestling history kicks off!  And you didn't even have to have to know anything about anybody this match to understand every aspect of the turn.  This is great.  Eddy is fucking awesome because he does a really great fired up babyface comeback in the third caida and THEN does a fucking AWESOME total psycho rudo ass-stomp on Cesar and Apolo Dantes postmatch.  The man had range.  He was a charismatic face which folks will likely forget in time, because he was just so much fun as a heel.  Ah man, fuck the world, Eddy is dead.                                

 

Tomorrow:  Oh, there will be review!

[Patrick B.]

Gotta watch that six-man tag soon.

 

Dug Apolo Dantes from what little I saw of Super Astros.  TAPE TRADING~!

[Curt McGirt]

All that writing about your son reminded me of my dad telling me that his dad (who I only have vague memories of; he died of a heart attack when I was maybe three or so) used to watch wrestling and would bitch about "that damned Harley Ray". I so wish I had a time machine to sit there and watch Wrestling at the Chase with him, or at least know how truly crazy he was (he was a frontier-style sheriff who had to be put on pills, and this is back in the '50s. Yeah, I come from some interesting stock). 

[J.T.]

Dear God, that Heat Up match is fucking king sized.  Now I have something other than GUTS to keep up with.