Fuzzy Dunlop

I did the same damn thing one time in Saint Denis, I was going to get on my horse but I wasn't quite close enough to it and the Y button made me tackle some random fucker instead and so every lawman in the place descended on me because you can't fucking fart near a Saint Denis resident apparently. Anyway, after they killed me, I killed a bunch of Saint Denis residents in an okay, I mistakenly tackled one of you fuckers last time but now I'm going to give you an excuse to come after me this time kind of way. Then the lawmen killed me again.

Steven Gerrard, Gerrard, he slipped on his fucking arse, he gave it to Demba Ba, Steven Gerrard, Gerrard... ...is my ringtone. It's not really but it'll never not be funny especially after he literally said THIS DOES NOT FUCKING SLIP after that one match. And then he slipped. It wouldn't be as funny if it happened to someone in the current Liverpool team because they actually all seem like swell chaps. Okay, it would still be funny.

Yeah, when I wrote all that shit above, I realised I completely forget about Spurs. In my defence, everyone forgets about Spurs. As much as I'd want them to win the league over City and Liverpool; lads, it's Spurs.

Guardiola OUT.

I've never wanted any manager in the history of football to succeed more than I do Ole. But, then, succeed this season means what? They're an absolute mile behind Liverpool and City and, rightfully so, because they're better teams than United are and United possibly aren't going to finish in the top 4 but if he strings wins together and they score goals and play actual, you know, football (a concept Mourinho didn't seem to grasp) seeing as it's an entertainment business, I'll be happy. I know it was only Cardiff (whatever that means) but it wasn't so much them just winning, it was how they won. They never played like that under fuckface. I'm not so biased as a Man United fan to believe they have the divine right to win the league every year, they had 20 years of it under Fergie and runs come to an end but I do believe that you have the right to watch entertaining football. Write off this season, the damage has already been done by that other fucker, start again next season with Ole or whoever as the new manager and go again. But, then, as much of a critic of Mourinho I was, he's not solely to blame. The whole set-up of the club seemed poisonous from the top down but, for now at least, it's an optimistic step in the right direction

I wanted socks. I got socks. I'm in my 30s so I'm old therefore socks are the best. I also got a mini SNES and lots of other random shit. In the case of the SNES I had been dropping hints to my wife for months in basically the same subtle way Father Dougal dropped hints to Father Ted.

Nice baubles. Ah, someone had to say it.

You ever heard Taylor Swift's 'Don't Blame Me'? Fucking great, isn't it? 4 months after the last post in this thread and, I don't give a shit, I'm whiter than white and completely uncool but Taylor Swift is fucking great and, yet, the point remains, that Dua Lipa's IDGAF is still the best pop song released this year bar none.

I watched the 1st series of Mrs. Maisel a while back and I liked it but, I dunno, Mrs. Maisel isn't...that...funny. Shit, her manager is way funnier than she is. The funniest act in the whole thing is the ventriloquist act ('how big are their tits?'). I posted a while back too that I was re-watching The Sopranos from the start. I'm half way through series 5 so far. So far, there is no series of The Sopranos which is as good as the 1st series and there is no character who is as good as Livia.

IT'S CHHHHRRRIISSSSTTMMAASSS!!! The darts is on. Yeah, it's weird but I automatically equate the darts with it being Christmas because the darts are fucking great.

So, now that I've finished the game and I'm just generally pissing about, I've only now discovered my new passion which is to lasso and then hogtie random strangers and then dump them alive on the train tracks because why the fuck not? I haven't seen them get murder death killed by any trains so far because I generally just dump them on the tracks and then piss off elsewhere but I figure, there's gotta be a lot of gore and intestines and that, right? I also decided to go on a murder rampage down in the Bayou just because. So I had 87 lawmen after me who I could have tried to take care of but I figured, fuck it, instead of being murderised by the pigs, I jumped in the swamp and was mauled by a gator. Suicide by alligator. That's a new one, I guess.

You know, Raheem Sterling should really learn not to antagonise racists by picking up a football and smiling. I also don't think the whole being a young, rich, successful black man helps matters either so maybe he should tone that down a little. He brings it all on himself, he really does...

I finished the game a few days ago but I haven't posted since because of how devastated I was:

Cena and Hailee Steinfeld were guests on The Graham Norton Show over in this neck of the woods and, man, I know it's been joked about before but dude is basically a robotic simulation of what a human being should be. My damn teeth were itching over how cheesy and cringeworthy he is. He can't even sit on a fucking seat like a normal human being without looking awkward as fuck. Anyway, the only thing we learned was that fellow guest, Matthew McConaughey was once thrown out of a building for throwing rotten tomatoes at Skandor Akbar.

I bought myself a mean as fuck looking bear head hat from a trapper that made me look about 8 foot tall and I thought I was the baddest looking motherfucker on the planet but then all these posh twats in Saint Denis started making bitchy snide comments about how ridiculous I looked with my bear head hat and it took all of my restraint to stop myself murdering everyone in the whole damn town. I would have too except you can't fucking jaywalk in Saint Denis without 57 lawmen putting 257 bullets in you.

I was on that mission where Sadie and I killed the everliving fuck out of a bunch of O'Driscolls and, after, I tried to ride up this big fucking mountain in the Grizzlies just because but, turns out, this was a stupid mistake seeing as I was basically vertical trying to ride up this big fucking mountain and so my horse fell and rolled over about 107 times and then died but I didn't have any horse reviver left so the only choice I had left was to kill my own horse but I panicked and ended up shutting down my X-Box instead because I didn't want to lose another fucking horse. Anyway, I didn't lose my horse and lesson is to kill more fuckers and stock up on more horse reviver so that shit never happens again. Another lesson is...I love you Sadie Adler, you terrifying lady you.

So, I may be in love with Sadie Adler and by 'I' I don't mean Arthur Morgan, I mean me, in real life, an actual human being in love with a computer character. It's all very creepy. What a (computer simulation of a) woman though. FUCK Micah and FUCK Dutch, Sadie and I should rule this kingdom and sit on the Iron Throne.

Well, the fucking Murfree Brood are damn sure gonna replace the whale in my nightmares.

Holy shit, achievement unlocked; I now have the lowest honour level you can get. This is a proud day. I'd just like to take the time to thank all those horses, shopkeepers and blind fortune tellers I shot in the face.

Well, shit, I made myself look like a fucking idiot. Turns out you don't permanently lose all your shit after all. Dutch can still go fuck himself though.

Man, fuck that Saint Denis bank robbery and FUCK Guarma. That shit led me to lose around $6000, my damn horse (named Horsey McHorse) I'd had for a billion years, all my murder souvenirs I looted from dead fuckers (only some of them deserved to die too) that I hadn't fenced yet AND my spiffy top hat I splashed cash money on in the tailors. Fuck Dutch too.

Finally, my first Klan encounter. Waited until the cunts actually burnt the cross then chucked in a couple of sticks of dynamite, dead eye on, picked off the rest of them with rifle headshots and then piled all their bodies on top of each other at the foot of the burning cross to create a little KKK bonfire of my own. And, yet, still it wasn't satisfying enough. I still wish you could skin humans... Also got pickpocketed in Saint Denis but then I'M the one who gets the bounty for chasing down and beating the dude to death? Granted the punishment doesn't fit the crime for the $4 he stole probably to feed his hungry children but, still, Saint Denis is my town and that's some bullshit. Ah, who am I kidding, I still love you, Saint Denis.

'Dutch has asked the gang not to use weapons or cause trouble in Rhodes.' Man, fuck you Dutch. Arthur Morgan will never be employee of the month. I also nearly evacuated my own bowels hunting that white cougar in the cave, shit was terrifying. Took me a couple of maulings before I figured on using that eagle vision shit to slow everything down and see in the damn dark so I could take that fucker down. Herr Strauss can collect his own fucking debts after that one.

Holy shit, Mongo seems pretty accurate for what I am in this game. I'm both the dumbest motherfucker and the meanest motherfucker and that's not a good combination. I only wish I could knock horses the fuck out with a single punch though. And I hate candy. Yeah, large parts of my map are red as fuck now because I am dumb and mean. I had paid off a bunch of bounties and tried being a nice guy but life just isn't as fun if your whole world isn't surrounded by red. I just chug down a bunch of dead eye shit and kill the fuck out of bounty hunters on my tail and if I die, I die. I have enough money now that I don't miss it that much. Besides, I don't buy that much anyway, although I did splash out on a new coat and a haircut in Saint Denis and I'm now a shaven headed, moustachioed, duster sporting dumb and mean motherfucker. Shit, I don't even do that much of the actual story, I'm only now at the new camp and whatnot.

I spent way too long trying to find the edge of the park like I'm Ed Harris in Westworld. While way out west I get mauled deader than dead by this fucking bear who blind sided me like a huge hairy ninja because, in a panic, I forgot where the fucking B button was and by the time I tried to remedy myself, it was too late. Spent the next half hour trying to find this bear (or at least, a bear, cause I figure it's either gotta be him or someone related to him, a 2nd cousin maybe) so I could shoot him repeatedly in his big, dumb, cuddly, ferocious face. I also got bitten on the foot by a rodent. Little fucker. Wanted man in Strawberry now after stealing the general store's illegal moonshine stash from the basement. But the law weren't after me for that, I could have just walked away with the $50 and the shopkeeper wouldn't have reported it but, nooooo, I had to steal a measly $5 from the till and a few supplies from the store. And shoot the shopkeeper, to be fair. And throw dynamite at the lawmen but I only killed maybe 2 or 5 of them on my way out of there, what's the big deal?