DEATH VALLEY DRIVERETTE- 02042016- Neo-MUGA~! KAZUKI HASHIMOTO~! HIDEYOSHI KAMITANI~!

[DEAN]

WELCOME TO YOUR DEATH VALLEY DRIVERETTE~!

 

And it begins again.

 

 

~!~

Honey, I saw you yesterday on my way home

Baby, I craved for you today SINGLES GOING STEADY so I decided to phone

So why don't we get together soon and get on our own

~!~

 

DAICHI HASHIMOTO/ KAZUKI HASHIMOTO/ TAKUMI TSUKAMOTO vs ATSUSHI MARUYAMA/ MASAYA TAKAHASHI/ TOSHIYUKI SAKUDA- BIG JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- 2/2/2016- [RASMUSSEN]:  Hey!  YOU MIGHT WANT TO SKIP TO....  This is your old pal, Dean.  I used to be somebody in the online wrestling community and now I just kinda write wrestling reviews when I finally defeat all the reasons I have for not writing- each of which are preposterous, thus making their grip on the writer that much more infuriating.  I am in the middle of writing the next sentence and I am noticing that it just might be the biggest run-on sentence I've ever written- which is impressive because I suck at a crazy little thing called restraint and truly love a good ridiculously long sentence, and I believe THAT I MUST BE FREE! The Hashimoto boys are actually called collectively Team Yamato and I will now figure out if I've seen Tsukamoto before, much less if I have ever seen the three fellas they are wrestling; because the problem with driving 85 hours of wrestling directly into your head every couple of months- as I have kind of settled into a seasonal viewing/reviewing cycle, in that I quit watching wrestling for month and now I have actually been watching a lot of wrestling the last couple of weeks- especially after being hipped to the RuTube channel for whoever used to post everything I wanted to watch on Dailymotion, having actually found a DEEP NET-ESQUE place to put all the fabulous wrestling that has spoilt us for so long- and also there is the development where- for those who used to read these in the 1990s when I was a struggling, comical drunk, note that I haven't been drunk in 15ish years and I have four children, ranging from 10 to 19, SO note that the first three of my kids brushed off all attempts to ever really give a shit about wrestling until my 10 year old got WWE Y2K16 (or whatever its called) for his million dollar PS4 and is now just fucking PSYCHOTICALLY into wrestling.  It's like the first time you watched the Super J Cup or the first time you ever got a Dave Scherer comp (or your first Schneider comp for you slightly younger folks.)  THUS I have actually been forced into watching WWE after a like 10 year hiatus.  Man, is WWE annoying.  I hate the whole enterprise.  But it is also really fun to see wrestling through the eyes of a child so it is also pretty great.  Fatherhood is pretty awesome.  So anyway, the POINT is that I have probably reviewed matches with the non-Team Yamato guys in the last two years, but memories of them did not survive the last giant three month Shoving Of Puroresu Guys Into My Head epoch and THUS YOU get to be ENRICHED by the knowledge that I am looking at these punks with fresh eyes and YOU the gentle reader can revel in the fact that I can't remember what the fuck I said before and I have not the WILL to go back and try to defend anything I said.  Well, that was lot of build up but I didn't want to act like nothing happened between the last Driverette and today.  ...........HERE.  Tsukamoto is Largish-For-DDT DDT guy. Maruyama has mask of a tiger and was a Osaka Pro guy it appears- since he was trained by Super Delfin.  Takahashi is from the Asuka Project (yes! The Asuka Project! Kenichiro Arai is their champion. He beat this same Takahashi for the title.  After watching this match, I would watch that.) and has been a death match guy for 3 years with a major in JUDO! Sakuda is a Big Japan rookie.  I assume his teeth will smashed into powder by Kazuki Hashimoto.  What a weird card.  This feels like a young lions tournament- if your young lions are actually guys working in a sun glasses kiosk at the mall during the day.  Let us view the YamatoCARNAGEmatchBASHING~!  Man, Tsukamoto looks even scummier in this match than his cagematch.net mugshot.  He is taller than... WAIT!  That's Daichi Hashimoto- MAN, he is getting fat and seedy looking.  I BACK HIS PLAY ONE HUNDRED PER CENT!  YOUR DADDY WAS SHINYA HASHIMOTO.  If you want to be a second son wastrel, scouring the underbelly of the industry that your daddy helped create, looking for part-time construction workers to punch in the face, I am all over it.  Talk about pathos.  Sakuda gets in a lot hilariously botched offense early to set up  his immediate death later, as one who has watched these matches for a few decades would assume. Takahashi tries to bring the STIFF to Daichi Hash and thus we rejoice, as this gets all skull-busty and fun.  Tsukamoto is also really seedy looking and he will lay it in.  I might have to follow him if I can remember him past May.  I need to note also that Takahashi will take a beating and fire back, so I dig him.  A third guy tags in and he doesn't have a mask so I'm guessing it isn't Maruyama.  Unless he lost his mask.  YOU, the beloved reader, will probably not lose sleep over this detail.  Rookie boy and Takahashi beat up on DDT guy until Daichi Hashimoto tags in the fucking crushing and bashing and stomping and annihilating and smashing and stretching and gouging and mauling of the rookie kicks in.  They don't totally murder him but they do hit the median amount of justified kicks to a rookie's teeth to warrant pinning him, so you have that.  Nine minutes of WORTH IT just because you can catch up on Daichi Hashimoto transforming into 1995 Tommy Rich right before your eyes.

http://rutube.ru/video/1a58fb4e6b9e38a4ecb0fc1fcf566dfb

 

SEIYA SANADA vs TATSUHIKO YOSHINO- BIG JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- 2/2/2016- [RASMUSSEN]: I watched TNA for a while but I missed the Sanada X-Division title reign.  You, the one reading, and You, the one who follows TNA very carefully, will inform your gentle writer if I should lose sleep over that fact. Yoshino is from fuckin GUTS WORLD!so I know who I am going for.  I'm pretty sure I reviewed his title match against Diasuke and I think I liked it as much as I liked the Diasuke vs Gannesukke match.  I'm sure there is a 4 star match against Mr Gannesukke sitting next to some really disturbing pornography on the hard drive of the GUTS World audio-visual specialist.  This match has a chance to be cool because Sanada was trained by Osamu Nishimura and GUTS World is actually a really thread-bare version of MUGA, THUS they actually start the match with a lock up and arm bar sequence.  HA!  I am fucking into this now.  MUGA! MUGA! MUGA! Dradition. Straight into a kneebar/headlock sequence!  DRADITION!  Front Chancery!  DORY FUNK, BITCH! Then Sanada reverses into a tricked out takedown that Yoshino reverses into a standing kneebar!  TATSUMI FUJINAMI, MOTHERFUCKERZ~!  Headlocks and reverses into take-overs into a first nearnfall.  This is fucking WAAAAAAY WAAAAAY more than I thought this would be.  If there is no highspots, I will declare this an early Match Of The Year Candidate, 70's Throwback Match division. CRAVATE, fuckin CRAVATE out of a quarter Nelson.  IT SAYS FUCKING "WRESTLING" ON THE MARQUEE, MOTHERFUCKERS! Sanada is back to the kneebar until Yoshino escapes and gets to a VERTICAL motherfucking BASE!  GORDON SOLIE, DADDY!  Sanada loses his cool in a MUGA way by- AND THIS IS THE MOST FUCKING MUGA/DRADITION/FUJINAMI/NISHIMURA way to lose your cool- he doesn't go for a headlock, he INSTEAD lands a European Uppercut.  If you can't dig that, then go back to your thing you young people do. Euro-UpperCut and the hideous concession to the Modern World by dropkicking Yoshino while Yoshino is sitting down. Oh man, that shit needs to go away ten years ago. Sanada returns to the 70s by hitting a Murdoch elbow across the throat of Yoshino while Yoshino is hanging off the ring apron.  I await Yoshino to punch Sanada in the face and Sanada to check if his tooth is still there.  En Lieu, a dropkick to the head as he dangles and Sanada follows up with a piledriver to the mat.  Yoshino becomes confused and sells the pile driver as he rolls in the ring- in that he is stuck in a netherworld.  I saw Blackjack Mulligan piledrive Harley Race onto the cement floor of the Norfolk Scope in 1979.  Race sold it and bled like Blackjack shot him in the face with a gun.  The modern piledriver in Japan is a transition move in these junior heavyweight affairs to set up your 120 pound wee folk to do a 360' spinning thigh-slappin' Backstabber! for TWO!  Yoshino feels the Dradition and holds his head as Sanada gets the second nearfall of the match. Yoshino sells it as Sanada LEANS INTO A CHINLOCK! This match is fucking awesome.  EUROPEAN UPPERCUT! And then Sanada puts Yoshino on the toprope and we are about to lose our MOTY-70sTBD candidate, but first the ninth commercial for that Witch movie.  Damn Russians stealing Daily Motion's most annoying business models.  Yoshino elbows Sanada to the mat and hits a Missile Dropkick, thus skipping the 80s and heading directly to the mid-90s.  Yoshino hits a DDT- which is 80's- but it isn't the finisher, so it is a 90's DDT.  Yoshino goes for the nearfall and goes directly into a kneebar at two- which is a 90's Kazuo Yamazaki type of thing.  Sanada hits the ropes and does a little selling before clamping on a headlock- 50's/60's/70's wrestling- and they start trading chops (all wrestling ever).  Yoshino unviels his 90's FMW Gannesukke roots by hitting a Thunder Fire Powerbomb for a nearfall. Sanada hits a Missile Dropkick and they trade a really elaborate and fun roll-up sequence. Sanada hits a Diamond Cutter, a Tiger Suplex Hold and then wins a perfectly nasty Dragon Sleeper Variation.  I THOUGHT THIS WOULD SUCK!  It didn't!  The dream:  They have a 45 minute 70's match in GUTS World.

http://rutube.ru/video/8d6246e5c7deab72aec68b9a024946b4

 

TOMORROW!  I'll write about something if I find something I am interested in!  

 

WORD.

[RIPPA]

I have a three day weekend... so it might end before it begins.

 

So much to write...

[AxB]

Sanada's TNA run was alright to be begin with, but it was trying to hard to be Tajiri's ECW run. Altough Tajiri's ECW run was really good, so it worked. Then he got kidnapped and brainwashed into becoming The Great Sanada and was a Muta tribute hanging out with Abyss and Khoya and it kind of sucked. Then he lost a match and disappeared forever because of Global Farce wrestling or something... none of the guys who left TNA for GFW were a part of the GFW invasion angle in TNA. Because they all left to get away from that shit, so why go back? Just because it makes storyline sense, doesn't mean you'd want to subject yourself to paper plates  and fucking plastic ridiculous (TM Scott Steiner).