assfax

I've only encountered four bullshit moons: the two where you have to get a score of 100, the ruined kingdom rock that takes like 40 hits to break and the one where you have to fly a bullet bill across the damn desert. They don't explain that you get just a little more distance if you shake the controller like a moron while also accelerating. Holy jeez that killed my fucking hand. Couldn't even do it with pro controller, had to use the joycons. Those other moons share a common theme, unnecessary repetition. They could've cut those numbers in fucking half. The jumprope and volleyball don't even get faster after 50 so why have that be the halfway point and not the end?

Dude, why didn't anybody say this Boone bounty hunter movie was awesome? Rampage Jackson was the drizzling shits but there weren't any super lame CG effects that ruined a good thing. Better than Machete 2 with all that garbage green screen shit. Not as good as the cream of the Lorenzo Lamas oeuvre.

It ain't over by a damn sight.

I've seen the credits but there's a ledge beyond the edge. I'm somewhere in the mid 500s and they're just dumping new moons on me. I thought the roll would be more used but nothing has required it. The thing where you jump, throw yer cap then dive towards it then dive again is the lifeblood of this game. You can do all sorts of shit you shouldn't be able to do.

This game combines amusement parks, aquariums, being inside a slot machine, perceptual learning, taking a really hot bath and being the "10 banana cream pies" guy.

Why isn't that Uproot guy called Vineguy? I'm calling him Vineguy and he needs 7 spinoff games. Also this thing in the hole in the desert after you thaw the desert with the moving columns and bullet bill that's wearing a hat is driving me up the goddamned wall. I ain't gonna watch no bullshit you tube video neither. Hell, only reason I'm not playing right now is because I'm eating after work.

My main concern goin' in was the whole motion hat stuff. Right when you start it says to try using the split joy-con style. So I tried it. I mean I use it all the time for every other game when I'm portable with a table. Then I bopped over to the pro controller and you can do all the useful stuff exactly how you would intuitively translate it. Short little boomerang swing. The only move that doesn't seem to work is that zelda spin thing where the cap circles around you. That move is unreliable with the joy-cons though. 'member how on Breath of the Wild they had all those shrines that looked the same? Then they had all those seeds scattered everywhere? This is like that but damn near everything is unique and awesome. Throw the hat at everything. Other than that I'm about to play this until I nod off and I've already put seven hours into it today.

Amazon sent Mario Odyssey and it arrived about 15 minutes ago. 'bout time I got one of these things earlier than I should've.

Played that Mummy game at work tonight. Looks great, controls great. Then they have a bunch of tiny bug enemies. Then they load up on like nine different Medusa type infinitely respawning enemies. These bats shoot acid at you and the acid can travel through solid walls. Then they have shit fly out of doors when you are about to go through them. Then when I finally died for the first time at the second boss, reupping my health and ammo was super tedious before retrying the fight. Seems real goddamned stingy with the health. They like to keep giving you ammo pickups when you are full. Just have the goddamned save station refill yer health. They have the super simple smooth platforming of Symphony of the Night with the knockback damage of Castlevania 1-3. You can't run forward and shoot diagonally down like in Contra. They also have the roll trigger when you hit jump while crouching. There's this running upgrade that just seems kinda weird. It doesn't really look like yer going any faster but if you move about half a screen you can suddenly jump further. Bosses seem to clash with the pixel-art. Other than that, seems good.

Beat steamworld 2 last night and was looking for another game to play before mario comes out on friday. I'm lookin' at the eshop and the first damn thing is Mummy Demastered. I'm thinkin' "why in the hell is there a damn mummy game for that mummy movie everybody didn't watch?".

Amazon has a warehouse deal where 2 used games gets 20% off. Got Diablo 3 ultimate and Crash trilogy on PS4 for 40 bucks.

Juice Newton Queen of Hearts dude.

Golf RPG is good. Visually looks like GBA Pokemon and Mother 3. Writing hews towards Bill Towner in House 2 and that "I kick arse for the lord" guy in Dead Alive. It's great to just huck golf balls at peoples faces point blank. Satisfies that urge like when you just want to bean people in a baseball game. Seems like pokemon too in that it's this place where everybody is just into this single thing and the whole world exists just for golf. I'm liking that they weren't afraid to just have gear where you can clearly tell it's flat-ass better than what you already have. Kinda like Ys used to do before all the bullshit crafting seeped in. So far I'm not seeing any lame, incrementally statted gear where you have to squint at it to see if it's better. I want a 200 million dollar, AAA ,first person Darts RPG where it's just you walking around and then you see a dartboard pattern in some obscure place and throw darts at it to get money. My characters name is Treble Toneighty. I mean, shit, were those old fishing RPGs this fucking good? What the hell was it called? Legend of the River King? I beat Rayman Legends, Metroid Returns and Donkey Kong 3DS within the past month and I didn't write up a big multi-paragraph screed at three in the mornin' for that shit. Some slight niggling issues are the inability to quickly restart a long challenge when you know you don't have enough shots left and some camera issues. More like when I'm lining up a tight shot or want to see where exactly the hole is. Sometimes the camera will get hung up and your man will be stuck near the top of the screen and you can't read text boxes. I found that just taking another shot and recentering the camera fixes it. I've had the ball get hung up and just vibrate in place. Like on the mini-golf course I had to close the game and restart. It seems to autosave after any progress though. I also thought the frisbee golf controls weren't clearly explained. It steers like old weird car controls on NES where even if it's going horizontally you still use left and right to move.

Beat Skyblazer on super nintendo. There's a part in the underwater level where you can get infinite 1ups and my ass definitely needed 'em for that last boss. He's got this laser thing that is real finicky to jump over and kills you in two hits. Played on emulator on my Vita. I was playing that Trails in the Sky game then realized I fucking hated it. I'm at the part where there's a big martial arts tournament in the final chapter and I gotta go find this big bear guy in the woods and I just don't give a fucking shit. Super slow combat that is 99% simple. Then they toss in this fucking penguin boss that has an assload of health and can heal like 800 hp indefinitely. It doesn't do anything else but it took me like 40 minutes to gradually chip this thing down even though it wasn't doing anything offensively to the party. Oh, then there was the part where they spent 12 hours on this boring ass orphanage "mystery". There's like 7 times where someone will do that thing where they say "hmm... no, never mind.... it's nothing important.". Y'know, that anime bullshit where people don't communicate shit to each other like humans. Not to mention all this silly "he's not blood related" horseshit. Then there was the part in the first town where I didn't understand that bracer jobs would just expire if you didn't just haul ass to them immediately. I played Fire Pro world like 3 times. It's exactly what I want but I've got no impetus to play it. I don't have that thing where I want to make Vigo the Carpathian for the 8th time. The workshop stuff intimidates me too because even if I did make a good Tony Halme, I never want to fuck with doing the CPU logic shit and so it would be one of those incomplete wrestlers. Kinda wish the camera was a little more zoomed out as well. Beat Wolfenstein Old Blood. Still don't like how the overcharged health just dissipates. Makes exploring less enjoyable. Big robot section kinda sucked 'cause there was no way to swat zombies off once they jumped on. Last boss was lame too. That was some PS2 style stationary shit right thar. Beat Blaster Master zero on switch. I never really understood why you wouldn't just always be using that #8 wave laser. The power up system mystified me. If I understand it correctly. You get pickups and it fills the meter but the guns themselves have unlimited ammo so there's never any reason not to nuke bosses with the best gun. The strafe button and diagonal aiming kills shit lickety split. Took me a while to figure out how to look at the map. Really just should've been a button because you never need the subscreen menu to switch weapons. Or they could've had one of those deals where if you hold start it goes to the map but tapping goes to the menu. Also needed a way to look at other areas maps. Last area was super ass easy on top of the rest of the game being super ass easy. Beat Cave Story on switch. Then looked up how to get the good ending and it's a bunch of bullshit. Also, didn't really appreciate all those instant death spikes. Played a shit load of that End is Nigh game. Movement is more deliberate than meatboy with more Mario 3 type shit where you bounce on enemies. I don't like how down is the tetris butt stomp button and you'll accidentally hit it sometimes. Shoulder trigger is good enough for that shit. Got to the dark world equivalent and didn't notice my tumors were depleting until anguish 10. Then I ran out on anguish 19. Then I tried the next day and just couldn't rebeat anguish 10. got a ps4 pro and am playing that Horizon game finally. S'okay. I'll like it more when I get the upgrade that let's me recover all the tripwire traps that the goddamned dinosaur robots nimbly avoid. Little bastards. Is the main lady crosseyed? Looks kinda weird. Mustaches look weird too. Every time people talk it seems like they're on the verge of weeping.

Yeah, I don't like how you have to select the voice before you preview it. Slows down the process when you don't know what the hell you want yet.

Kinda finicky to set favorites and signature move on your man. Not understanding what all the repeat faces are for either.

I beat that Chronicles version of Ys 1 & 2. 1 is ok but tons of bullshit bosses and the progression just didn't flow naturally for me. Like, that bat boss is complete horseshit. Last boss will take you 90 minutes of dying to beat. Ys 2 is fucking amazing and didn't require me to look shit up every fifteen minutes. Bosses kicked way more ass too. Napishtim, I played on Vita and found the lack of warping super tedious. There's this extended part in a really dark cave that was just plain hard to see on the handheld. Felghana is amazing all the way through and kicks tons of ass on PC. Ys 7 I played on my vita at work, then transferred the save onto my computer to play it on a PSP emulator. It's the ultimate Dreamcast game. Bullshit bit at the end where they have you use all your characters so make sure you keep your levels kind of balanced. Celceta was kind of lame with a really weak end game stretch. No huge boss. Ys 2 is the one that really blew me away.

Ain't no way Vanquish is worse than that bullshit space marines game.

OK, I'm finally playin' that new Nier game. First thing I do when they let the mad dog loose is sell my OS which kills me. Then when I get into the game I go into the desert area and kill some dudes. Then, I come back into the city area and climb a radio tower. Then I try to kill a gigantic boar and get smoked. Moose and boar are the toughest enemies in the game. Digging the dual stick shooter shit when the camera gives you the MGS on PSX view. Also had slight hiccups on PC version where I needed that FAR progrum to actually play the sunuvabitch.

I'm down to the last 3 shrines and I know exactly where they are. Two mazes and I'm going to do Eventide Island last. Tip for those trickier apparatus shrines: detach both controllers and just spin the right one. Got the guidebook and realized there was a type of Korok puzzle I did not even know about. I'm not enthusiastic about trying to find all of them. I do have the giant fold out map though. I could slowly mow the lawn. I did that feather shit on Assassins Creed 2 and none of those were fun or memorable.

I tried to watch it but it cut out after DDP and never came back on. I also didn't give a shit to keep trying either. Is this typical for live shit on the network with hot programs?

I guess I get the HHH hate. I still think he's about three tiers below Undertaker. I still say that your ass didn't get a little promo at Lemmy's funeral. Fuck you.

Biggest exploit I discovered was using a shitty fire rod with the warm doublet when sniffing around them there icy mountains. You can even slowly melt icebergs just by standing near them. Also forgot to bitch about the king sounding like a 28 year old guy trying to do a Shakespearean Keith David gravitas type deal. No. I also was worried how to start a second playthrough without getting rid of my clear game. Make a new profile. I don't wanna get burnt with how the DLC shit will be integrated. I'm fixing to dip back in tonight. Now that I'm not all tip-toeing around shit I'm just going to plow through Eventide Island. When I first hit it, 7AM was nearby and I was kinda offput by getting dragged into an extended deal. This is a game where I ordered the official guidebook after I beat it. It better have real good printed maps showing everything because right now I'm just avoiding using the internet for most shit out of habit. My Zelda spoiler discipline was pretty goddamned heroic. I deleted Giant Bomb and Neogaf and only checked out Fire Pro World shit for this entire month. I was never worried about story shit but I went in not even knowing about how the dungeons worked. That main Kakariko thing even after I know what the fuck I'm doing just kinda came to a standstill with material requirements that wouldn't cooperate. Then, as soon as I bend it to my will it's over. I've never found the shiekah sensor plus to be worth a shit for tiny bugs and lizards.

See, I never even seen that bug lady.

Beat it last night. Pretty fucking good. Castle and Ganon were kinda lame. 91 shrines and 189 seeds. I was thinking there was going to be like, 300 seeds but no. Other than that first big ass night where I got super drunk and played it for 13 hours straight where I had to look up how to control the divine beast from the map.. Went through the whole goddamned thing without knowing shit or getting actually stuck. Boomerangs stunk. Longest lasting sword I had in the game was Scimitar of the Seven. Hardest enemy was that silver lynel I didn't even have to beat out in a corner tower at the castle. You get 4 ancient arrows, but y'gotta blow through 3 swords and keep quaffin' just to stay alive. I was gonna go for upgrading the hero tunic and got 1 shard of the dragon's horn. Then, the next time I went for it my goddamned arrows went right through it and I just said "fuck it" and beat the game. Got all the memories. I thought the hardest one was going to be that nondescript forest one with no discernible landmarks. Nope. None of 'em were hard if you were actually looking for them. Hated finding test of strength shrines and was mildly disappointed by blessing ones. I beat the desert labyrinth by just dropping in and lucking out. The other two I just kinda gave a half-assed attempt and then moved on after about 15 minutes. First divine beast I did (mammoth) was awesome. Great lead up, the whole schmear. Then you do another one and the formula is apparent. Boils down to figuring out where the little ATM is and then Dancin' on the Ceiling. How the fuck do I get this golden ball in Impa's house? Give me that marble rye you old bag. Played a shit-ton of it handheld at work. Focused on just kinda lawnmowin' shit that I wouldn't've done at home. Console review. When I tried tabletop mode the first thing I noticed was kickstand stinks. There's only one angle. It was better just kinda laying on my sockhat. Split controller is super comfortable and you can just kinda hunch over like yer trying to beat Jackal on an old portable 5" black and white tv. Sound is great too. When ye get those korok hide 'n' seek flowers you can really follow your ear.