Jingus

It's a hell of a litmus test. I mean, really, if we ever wanted to be sure if an out-of-our-league girl could possibly be into us, it's the perfect trap to lure her to a movie about the ugliest, nerdiest guy in the world who has a lot of disgusting habits and super-disturbing fetishes and always says all the wrong things (yet still sometimes scores way-out-of-his-league women). If she winds up being super into it, then I'd say that you've got a golden ticket.

Welp, I might as well just turn the computer off, because I could go to all the greatest websites in the world and search all day in vain to find anything more awesome than Sasha doing MVP's entrance, only to be topped by Bayley doing STEVE BLACKMAN'S entrance and flail around with a couple of game controllers as if they were nunchucks.

Maybe I overstated the nature of the pro-animal sentiment in the movie; I was just shocked to find that in any Italian genre flick from that era at all. And the movie pulls a major plot swerve that I never saw coming when . How often does THAT happen in any action flick ever?

I don't remember the DVD I saw being nearly as dim and foggy as you're describing it, I wonder if El Rey had a bad copy (as they're sometimes known to do).

Oh please do, it's awesome, and it was so hard to find on video for such a long time that hardly anyone has seen it. (It's an ANTI-ANIMAL-CRUELTY Italian exploitation film, if you can fuckin' believe it.) But, does El Rey censor nudity and other naughty bits in its movies? Cuz Conquest basically doesn't have any female actors whose nipples you do not see, in its full unedited glory. And the best part of Robowar (well, ONE of its best parts, it's truly an everlasting gobstopper of ridiculously cheesy awesomeness) is how the heroes tend to go into "spray machine-gun fire randomly at the entire jungle for two minutes straight" at the drop of a hat. One time they managed to do this at A SKELETAL CORPSE which somehow hit them with a jump scare... in a tree that was like twenty yards away from the heroes.

In her debut role, as Paul's creepy little sister. She even kills the main villain, and does so with her bare hands! AND speaks the final lines in the movie. No wonder she's had such a bizarre career, after an introduction like that. But overall, yeah, Dune is one of the most bizarre collections of an all-time great cast, even though they're lost at sea with the inexplicable material. "We need a bunch of people for fairly irrelevant characters who were complex people in the book but in the movie they just show up in two scenes and then die... get me Brad Dourif, Linda Hunt, Dean Stockwell, and Max von Sydow!"

Also, there's a sliding scale when it comes to these sorts of things. The Pianist is a dark fuckin' movie about the Holocaust, but the atrocities in that one aren't quite as soul-searing as Schindler's List on the same topic. And neither of them have ANYTHING on something like Men Behind the Sun, which is just one of the most appalling experiences I've ever had while watching what's technically a "good movie".

$2.7 billion in worldwide gross, 83% rating on both Rottentomatoes and Metacritic, nine Oscar nominations and three wins. I'd say the consensus is on my side.

I refuse to be the slightest bit ashamed of being a total Cameron fanboy. (Well, aside from Piranha 2 and much of The Abyss.) I fucking loved Avatar (and that picture is totally wrong, hell yeah I can name half-a-dozen characters and quote plenty of its lines without having to look anything up) and I fucking loved Titanic and I fucking loved True Lies. Aside from them all getting a wee bit draggy in the middle act and having some clunky dialogue, I count them as legit works of filmmaking art. Cameron is a very cinematic director; he takes full advantage of all the ways that movies aren't like other artforms. Like, just one example: his sound editing. Your average moviegoer never notices the sound editing, but I do; and Cameron's is always a master class, up there with the best of Spielberg and with Coppola's 1970s run in terms of just how precise and perfectionist everything is. He's like that in almost every category: the framing and composition of the shots, his choices in lighting the subject, the timing of his editorial cuts, the seamless quality of his special effects; it's all the work of a guy who is truly brilliant at telling a narrative story with moving pictures. Ever notice how you practically never hear other filmmakers calling Cameron a hack? They know exactly how insanely difficult it is to achieve the results that he does.

To be fair, this statement is absolutely true in regard to practically any movie she's ever starred in.

I loved during his brief TNA run, when the crowd would start a "U-S-A!" chant for his opponent and the Heel Section would counter with "You... esse!"

I love the play-by-play match breakdowns, I wish he'd do more of them.

Okay, NOW it really hurts. Daffy's had at least half-a-dozen different voice actors, but Plucky was entirely Alaskey's creation.

I wish I could forget about him. Some things are just burned into your brain whether you like it or not. My own list looks something like this: 1. Mad Max: Fury Road 2. The Martian 3. Inside Out 4. Creed 5. Bone Tomahawk 6. The Hateful Eight 7. The Final Girls 8. Jurassic World 9. Regular Show: The Movie 10. Avengers: Age of Ultron 11. Mr. Holmes 12. Ant-Man 13. Spectre 14. Maggie 15. HUGE empty space 16. Jupiter fucking Ascending

I wish I could hear from some of the poor bastards who saw Grave of the Fireflies during its initial release... when it was paired as a double feature with My Neighbor Totoro. Apparently Grave went first, and most of the audience walked out after it was finished and didn't stay for the second movie. It's hard to blame them, that's like if Schindler's List was originally released as a double feature with E.T.

I think the secret to understanding Machete Kills is to accept that it's basically a cartoon which just so happens to star live-action people. It's got more in common with Looney Tunes and Saturday morning action cartoons from the 80s than it does with any serious action movie. But I would recommend dropping the "I always finish every movie I start" rule. I finally did that not long ago, and I've been much happier for it. And co-signed on Piranha 3DD being a total piece of shit. I didn't like the first one either, but the sequel was much worse. Hasselhoff's part was pretty much the only good thing in that movie, even moments which SHOULD have rocked (Ving Rhames shotgunning piranhas, David Koechner being a super-sleazy local business leader) ended up flatter than hell.

The giraffe, the elevator standoff, historically-accurate Amazons, Brock's fashion critique, homicidal Helper, and The Tragic Tale Of Night Dick all got legit LOLs from me. I fucking love this show, and I'm ecstatic that it's as sharp as ever.

What's with Ryan's terrible horrible no good very bad titles, anyway? They never reflect what the hell a show is supposed to be about. Terriers and Mad Dogs sound like they're about, well, DOGS and say nothing about the concept of the show. The Chicago Code sounds like an Asylum ripoff of a Dan Brown novel. Last Resort doesn't even remotely imply "the crew of a rogue nuclear submarine is on the run from a corrupt government". And let's never forget that he originally wanted The Shield to be called THE BARN, which is pretty much the single worst fucking title I can possibly imagine for a gritty urban cop thriller.

A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night is awfully damn stylish. So damn stylish, in fact, that the style alone will put it on my list. (Well, two really good lead performances also helped.) It's a good damn thing that it's so damn stylish, because the movie itself kept reminding me of a thousand different things: put together Jim Jarmusch, some French New Wave crime films, some American 1990s indy crime films, a little bit of David Lynch, and a surprisingly large amount of Let the Right One In and you've got this film. It especially doesn't help that the whole "disaffected, downbeat love story involving vampires, in which not very much happens between two people with amazing cheekbones who spend a lot of time puttering around a deserted urban wasteland" deal was already done recently and done better in Only Lovers Left Alive. But still: damn it's stylish, enough so to make it really enjoyable.

I am also not quite sure why anyone would want to blatantly rip off Cullen Bunn's brilliant comic book The Sixth Gun and cram its basic premise into an ill-fitting modern setting on Syfy.

Every time I think "there can't possibly be any more reasons to firmly believe that Eli Roth is among the very worst scumbags to ever walk upon the earth's crust, surely he must've hit bottom by now", he is just so damned determined to prove me wrong.

I am truly depressed that we're now remaking mainstream American movies from the 21st century. Especially when the last sequel was made just two years ago, and there's absolutely no business or creative reason why the series needed a "reboot".

That is the Reb Browniest movie I've ever seen which didn't actually feature Reb Brown. Also, I almost felt bad at enjoying that clip, simply because of how ludicrously huge those squibs were. Even veteran stuntmen will frequently bitch about how normal squibs are shockingly painful; these goddamn things here look like someone dropped a hand grenade into a gallon jug of Hawaiian Punch. I mean, this seriously might count as child abuse, with those little kids being subjected to explosions so goddamn huge that their clothes were literally being blown right off their bodies.

And I was JUST about to say "hey Madcap, just drop it, I actually agree with Elsa on this issue and I NEVER agree with that guy about anything else"...

NEVER FORGET: