DEATH VALLEY DRIVERETTE 582014- BIGELOW BASTARDS! RAMPAGE FKN BROWN! BARBI HAYDEN!

[DEAN]

DRIVERETTE 582014

 

Still easing into a Lucha Libre mood.  I will stick to a-pickin' and a-choosin' for now.  So yes.  BEHOLD,  THE PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING.

 

!@!@!@!@!@!@!@ NEW ENGLAND CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING- 3/6/2014- (DEAN RASMUSSEN)

 

TIM LENNOX/ BRANDINO DAVIS vs THE END:  Now that I have a hook to get me to watch all these NECW episodes that I have piling up in Youtube, we can both be thoroughly psyched to see The Bam Bam Love Children crush enhancement talent like some fucked up Yankee Moondog Clones.  I have seen a LOT of clubbing forearms this week.  Is it possible for there to be... too many...  clubbing forearms for me to see?  A cornucopia of clubby forearms lilt down from the sky- onto enhancement talent, like so many cinder blocks dropped off a highway overpass.  Splatting a meaty splat of pleasingness.  Both Bigelow babies have really fucking great elbow drops.   Brandino Davis is Lee Scottian in the taking the furious ass-beating.  Tim Lennox has his face ground into the mat, but unfortunately, they pull him up and fucking SMASH him in the corner with a running Lariat.  Postmatch, it MORPHES into TOTAL BIGELOW MOONDOG BABIES! as they beat enhancement talent to death with chains.  Squashy!  You will love this.

 

 

Between matches, Sheldon Goldberg is eating a Reuben.  Mmmmmmmmm,  Reubenzzzz.....  

 

MISS SAMMI LANE vs ALEXXIS NEVAEH:  Miss Sammi is wearing the Catwoman mask and a thousand nerd boners are launched all the way across Milton to Revere.   Mistress Belmont has purple hair and I flash back to comical drunken sex with Siouxsie and the Banshees blaring in the background.  I collect myself.  So to speak.  We return from a commercial and the Catwoman mask is off- but the leather tiny paunts of Miss Sammi Lane is catalytic in causing problematic teen laundry questioning all the way from Winthrop to Somerville.  Alexxis Nevaeh is subbing for that Casey Ray gal from the episode we spoke of IN THE FUTURE!!  It's not that my methods are sloppy and that I am just watching shit randomly; it's just that I have no real direction to where I'm going- viewing-wise, so I'm just watching stuff as I see them pop up.  Because as I think of excuses for this way of reviewing wrestling- and I have been doing this for 15 years now, sonny punk bitch- I will say that episodic TV is one thing but wrestling standing on its own is usually something else all together.   So here we are.  Alexxis is here.  Casey Ray shows up again in like 6 weeks- or maybe sooner to make with the twists turns that possibly happen between this match and the match with Sammi Lane and Mistress Belmont turning the other goth chick from the Sisterhood.  We'll see, unless there is the kinda crappy upper card stuff pemeating the in-between episodes- and if that is case, I will probably not bother to watch.  So as of now, NECW is TO ME: 1.) Bigelow Moondog Babies, 2.) Goth Chicks in the SISTERHOOD- because I dig the HEATHERS angle, American women work stiff these days, and it also facilitates teen masturbation jokes.   So here we are.  Alexxis storms the ring and I will buy into the fact that this is a big deal, the SISTERHOOD probably thought they had everything under control but Alexxis showing up was the last thing they wanted, etc.  Ooo, it is all catfighting.  Nevaeh is wearing yoga pants variations and she punches folks in the face.  The fact that she is slightly older than my oldest daughter creeps me out as much as you hope it would.  Sammi is kind of awesome in the ring- all hatefaul and kicky and smacky.  The giant heeled WHORE BOOTS! have got to hurt when thrust into your ribs and Alexxis is taking a suitably violent babyface ass-beating.  Sammi is evil and smiling as she inflicts her brand of slugging offence.  Alexis goes on offense with chops- ooooo  man, right to the Lady Pecs!  Nevaeh isn't the smoothest in the ring, but she hits a Fisherman Buster Suplex.  The Sisterhood CHEAT to get Sammi back in control- AND It'S LIKE TWO AGAINST ONE!  But ironically,  Belmont accidentally hits Sammi and Navaeh pulls the upset!  Better than your first month WOW match but not as good your lower end Serena Deeb matches.  Postmatch, Alexxis has a Boston accent, calls the Sisterhood bitches and then speaks of herself in the third person.  Confusing.   Alluring.  Confusluring.

 

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##############################GOING

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$STEADY

Johnny will fuck you always and always- he's got the energy, he will amaze

 

 

########### UPROAR PRO WRESTLING- JUSTINE SILVER vs BARBI HAYDEN- 1/11/2014:  I have no idea how this match got into my Watch Later bin, but I am excited because I was looking for the date of this match on cagematch.de and pulled up the Barbi Hayden profile. And. She. Was. Trained. By. Motherfucking MISTER MEXICO~!(1)  She is also from Texas- so I await a lariat the size of the Lone Star State.  Justine Silver is not in Cagematch.de so I dub her "mysterious." She wrestles some places as Mercedes Justine Silver to add to her mystery.   They are somewhere in Florida- above Tampa on the Gulf Coast, more Redneck Florida than every other type of Florida.   Being women wrestlers in America in the modern era, I assume this will stiffer than your usual indie fare.  They fiddle around early and Barbi tries to establish her evilness and she does with knees to the stomach and a nice Northern Lights Suplex out of Greco-roman knucklelock- which Silver doesn't release and she works it into a monkey flip!  Oh fun!  Silver is tiny- 95 pounds prolly, so her dropkicks lack ass, but is does make her more sympathetic when the FINALLY evil Barbi starts beating on her and yelling at the rubes.  Barbi doesn't really lay anything in, so you aren't going to lose your mind (past her tiny tiny pants,)  but she does actually throw a perfectly fine lariat.  And her forearms across the girlchests of Silver look pretty good.  She does this corner headscissors spot that rockets her to the top because you KNOW Mr Mexico said, "I used this move in the mascara contra mascara match with Mr Niebla.  I want you to use it."  Silver makes her babyface comeback and it looks good in places, it looks really bad in places.  This was almost thrown in the mid-level WOW match bin- but it is elevated a bit because Barbi Hayden's finisher is fucking NASTY.  Go watch it.   So yeah, this was a slight match overall, but it was enough so that I will keep an eye out for Barbi.

 

@@@@@@@@@@@ PROGRESS STRONG-STYLE PRO WRESTLING- RAMPAGE BROWN vs NATHAN CRUZ- 1/27/2013:   Cruz I don't believe I've seen.(2)  Whoever he is, he has foresaken Kingston-Upon-Hull and now hails from Hollywood, California!  U-S-A! U-S-A!  Being that I am a God-fearing American man, I must go for my sangre, young Nathan Cruz.  He needs a two by four and a flag.  And expensive sunglasses because he is from the Hollywood section of America.  So: 2x4, American Flag, Sunglasses, chewing tobacco, cowboy hat, bullrope.  California is the most West you can get, so go all Cowboy, young Nathan.  Come out to the best music produced in America- which was made in California: "Excuse Me I Think I've Got A Heartache" by Buck Owens or "Tonight The Bottle Let Me Down" by Merle Haggard.  When I think California, I think redneck.  Give em hell, Nate!  So, it is established that the crowd doesn't go for the Hollywood types, and thus Rampage Brown- the baddest motherfucker in Great Britain- is your face.  Luckily for us, Rampage doesn't change his wrestling style much when his hugging old ladies at ringside, he just doesn't scream at the children as much.  God, everything Rampage does looks like it would suck, as locking up becomes a hassle for our Yankee Doodle Boy.  Rampage does a front facelock like Johnny Valentine used to do a front facelock.  Cruz is pretty good at rousing the ire of the crowd as he plays the ninny that has to take short cuts to get the better of the waaaaaaaay stiffer working opponent.  Cruz USE THE COMMON SENSE America gave you! Don't trade chops with Rampage Brown.  But he does and its fucking great. Brown finishes the Stomping the Fuck Out Of Nathan Cruz section by hitting the fucking beautiful SUWA double dropkick throwing your opponent across the ring into the turnbuckles.  Ah man.  Then he kicks fuckin kicks his Cruz's back through his chest.  After suplexing Cruz to the floor- a spot Brown does every match because it just makes sense- Cruz and Brown really beat the hell out of each other.  Cruz's stuff looks really good too.  He has neat punches- kinda Windham-like.   They kinda muddle around in the mid portion of the match, as they hit stuff here and there but there is no momentum until Cruz hits a nice Brainbuster and the crowd comes alive.  Cruz continues to beat some heat unto Brown with stomps and some dickish dropkicks and punches to the face.  Yeah, Cruz is definately a new member of the DVDVR Good Worked Punches Team.  Brown goes on offense with a Flapjack! but sells the damage until they start trading gigantic forearms to the head.  This match is really fucking great now in this section.  GODDAM, this match goes from Stiff to BattlARTS Stiff in one second.  They smash each other's heads with headbutts and they hit some pro style stuff to get us towards the finish which they don't hit very smoothly- so Brown rights the ship by fucking KILLING Cruz with a powerbomb!  Cruz escapes a... type of... crossface and gets a nearfall with FALCON ARROW #9 of the New Era.  Brown hits his overhand FALCON ARROW #10 and refuses the three count to take Cruz up top.  Cruz fights out, misses a splash and escapes another (indecipherable) crossface.  Cruz then goes all Memphis with the roll-up, grabbing the trunks and the ropes!  For the win!  U-S-A! U-S-A!  Overall, waaay too sloppy in places.  That knocks the shine off the truly fucking harrowing parts of this match.  A mixed bag by Rampage's standards but way better than most everything else.

 

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ENDNOTES

1.  And Funaki, which is also pretty fucking awesome.  She is also 23 years old, 5'4" and weighs 6 pounds less than every Japanese woman wrestler active today.  There is no mention of Judo.

2. Oh man, Cagematch sez Cruz is 23.  It also says he debuted in 2006.  15?  Is he the new Harley Race or the new Terry Gordy?  He is also 5'11" and 185 pounds.  No Judo.

 

TOMORROW:  LUKE GALLOWS! RAMPAGE BROWN! SERENA DEEB!

[Goodear]

Hey Dean,

 

Cruz was in that 3-out-of-5 falls eight man in the 2014 Internet Match of The Year thread teaming with Thunder, Mastiff and Robbie Dynamite against Dean Allmark and Friends.  I don't know where Rampage Brown has been all my life but he is the truth and the light and I could watch him work 3 times a week.  I love the British Stuff that has popped up the last few months and I don't know if it all the enthusiastic kids in the audience or not but it is just so infectiously fun in a way that comedy feds just can't capture.

[DEAN]

Oh man, so he was the overshadowed by the majesty of Dave Mastiff.  Oh man, tomorrow!  Quest for Mastiff!

[wrasslinfan2009]

I love NECW   and huge fan of the sisterhood and Alexxis Neveah.    and Barbi Hayden is one to look out for imo

[DreamBroken]

Big fan of Alexxis/Lexxus as well.. great heel for WSU in 2010-2012. Also glad to see Barbi branching out and becoming a bigger name.