SirSmUgly

Starrcade ’99 notes: Scott Hudson runs down the card for the penultimate Starrcade. I see WWE brought the name back at some point based on my lookup for this show in Peacock, but I don’t count anything WWE did under this name, so “penultimate Starrcade” it will be. According to Hudson in that voice over, Vampiro is known as “The Dark Angel.” I thought that was Jessica Alba? The only babyfaces who have consistently come out on top in the build to this show are Disco Inferno and Lash LeRoux. The Mamalukes (w/Tony Marinara) need to win this tag opener to save any face. Well, they don’t need to. They could always lose this, then be relegated to the Worldwide/WCWSN circuit until this company closes. Or, you know, WCW could just release them instead of releasing better talents (Mona, for example). Vito beats down LeRoux to start. Bobby Heenan, on color with Hudson and Tony S., complains about how cheap LeRoux’s beads are. Heenan’s got to be near wrapping up with this company. I know WCW execs shed a bunch of salary in 2000, from Bret Hart to the aforementioned Mona. I complain about Heenan, but even 1999 Heenan is leagues better than Mark FUCKING Madden. Anyway, Disco is the only remotely interesting worker in this match, so after Lash comes back and tags him in, things are okay. Disco scores a couple of one-and-two counts on the Bull. While Disco takes a shot to the head from Vito and transitions to playing FIP, let me also say that Scott Hudson’s style reminds me a lot of Mauro Ranallo. Unlike many wrestling fans on the internet, I am exactly neutral on Ranallo and therefore Hudson as well. This FIP segment exists as a perfectly acceptable segment, honestly. The Mamalukes hit a couple of nice double-team moves. Vito takes waaaaaaaay too long to drop a second-rope splash, which allows Disco to score a hot tag to LeRoux. Lash lands punches and back body drops; the Bull and Vito cross wires when the Bull charges Lash in the corner and hits Vito instead. They again cross wires when whipped into one another; Lash and Disco score more offense. Disco and Vito spill outside while Lash and the Bull go at it in the ring. The Bull tries a springboard that he nearly blows, which seems about right, and misses a springboard guillotine legdrop. Lash puts the Bull down and Disco follows with a Frog Splash; Vito breaks the pinfall up with a diving double axe. Vito rolls the Bull onto Disco, but Lash saves. This finishing run actually ended up being quite good. Disco and Lash are the next – and last – to get their wires crossed, as Vito shoves his way out of a Chartbuster attempt, and then ducks a charging Lash who runs himself right into a blind Chartbuster from Disco. Vito hits an elevated DDT on a stunned Lash as the Bull holds Disco back and the ref counts three. Disco catches a beatdown after the match and gets chloroformed and stuffed in a body bag. The Mamalukes carry him out of the building. Boy, a ten-plus minute tag match with no run-ins, minimal outside interference from Tony Marinara, and a proper shine-heat-comeback segment with a nice finish. You know what? Maybe I’m overrating things because this match is a beacon of regular-ass quality wrestling in a sea of short matches, overbooking, and run-ins, but it’s (improbably, considering the workers in this thing) going on my Good Matches list. For some reason, after the Mamalukes take him backstage, they take time to rip Disco out of the bag and toss him in the trunk of their car before they drive off. Scott Hall is out of the ladder match with Benoit – bummer – so Hall is once again stripped of the U.S. Championship! It's the second time this year! Hall’s apparently nursing a knee injury. Benoit is now the U.S. Champ by forfeit. He comes out here to a nice babyface pop. Benoit was going to win that ladder match, I’m sure of it, and I wonder how *ahem* legit Hall’s knee injury is. Excuse me if he actually is nursing a knee injury, but it’s Hall. For obvious reasons, I wonder. Benoit issues an open challenge for his gold because he’s not about winning titles by forfeit. Evan Karagias (w/Spice) defends his WCW Cruiserweight Championship against Madusa in the second bout of the night. I could be paranoid since Russo is booking, but this screams swerve, right? I said it in one of the more recent reviews, but Spice showing up out of nowhere to get with Evan seems like exactly the type of misdirection Russo loves. Karagias is absolutely a joke character, so using him like this is fine. Using the Cruiserweight Championship like this is another story. Madusa attacks Karagias early and Evan gets a pop when he finally tags her back. He tries an Asai moonsault and misses; Madusa lands a jumping back kick and then a missile dropkick. Well, more like a front dropkick; she’s not shaped like a missile when she jumps. A second front dropkick is blocked, and Karagias goes back into control before Madusa bridges out of a pinfall attempt, then lands a very sloppy powerbomb. Karagias gets out of further control by snapping Madusa’s neck on the ropes, then hitting her with a top-rope splash at ringside. At this point, we go into the finish; Evan puts her back in the ring, so Spice distracts Evan by seducing him over, then weakly ballshotting him while Madusa equally weakly forearms him from behind. Poor old joke character Evan has to sell all this before Madusa hits him with a bridging German for three. Heenan, stating Vince Russo’s theory on womanhood after the match: “Women always set up men, and men always fall for it!” Norman Smiley’s wearing a Redsk Commanders jersey as he tries to cut an interview about wrestling Meng without freaking out. He freaks out anyway, then admonishes a producer for “making sudden moves like that…I almost soiled my pants.” Gene, looking at the seat of Smiley’s tights: “You did.” Heh heh. Meng, who I know is the final WCW Hardcore Champion, looks to win it for the first time against Normam Smiley, who brings the requisite bin full of plundah. Norm has a Champ Bailey jersey on, but his helmet does not sport the then-logo of the Washington Football Team. Meng clubbers. Meng plundahs. Norm screams. The match goes immediately to the backstage area. Tony S. gamely does his best to explain the screaming as a kayfabe strategy to shock a guy and get him to beg off for a second, theoretically giving Norm an opening. They brawl through catering; Meng misses a cinderblock toss. Norm sprays an extinguisher at Meng, then dives through a screen to escape when that doesn’t work. Finlay and Knobbs run up from out of nowhere and attack Meng. THA MONSTA hangs on for as long as he can, but gets clocked with a lead pipe and laid out. Smiley, who was hiding behind a table and under the cloth screen for that attack, sneaks over and pins Meng for three. The crowd thought that Norm was very funny and he got a nice pop for winning. After the match, Meng wakes up when the ref checks on him, and that poor bastard Nick Patrick gets TDG’d. Daffney’s sent another present to Dopey Dave: A golden crowbar. Dr. Death and Oklahoma get the latter’s mic ready in the locker room before their match. Oklahoma leaves the room while Doc is still tying up his boots, and the Misfits jump Oklahoma and drag him off somewhere. Recap: How did we get here with the Revolution and why are they feuding with midcard janitor Jim Duggan? Mike Tenay asks Duggan who his partners are, but he pledges to keep them a secret until the moment they hit the ring. He hits a HOOOOOOOO and the crowd also hits a HOOOOOOOO and, look, Duggan is still over as a babyface. I clown on the guy all the time, but he’s just over, man. WCW’s primary audience at this point is into him. The Revolution hits the ring. Shane “The Fraudchise” Douglas insists on doing some generic yammering over the house mic before the match. I get a kick out of Duggan’s TurnerTron video including shots of him cramming down Ex-Lax brownies and scrubbing a toilet. Duggan now insists on grabbing the mic and introduces his partners: The Varsity Club?! Hold on. Mike Rotundo and Rick Steiner? With Kevin Sullivan? And Kimona Wanalaya Leia Meow in a skimpy cheerleading outfit? I don’t even remember reading that the Varsity Club came back at the time. I have so many kayfabe-focused questions. For one, why would Russo give Kevin Sullivan a special dispensation to wrestle again after Sully was forcibly retired by Chris Benoit almost three years ago? Why would Rick Steiner, who we last saw was a heartless prick (except when he helped his buddy Sid away from ringside after Sid was mauled by Goldberg) agree to help Hacksaw? Which one of them contracted Leia for her managerial services? This match is what it is. Duggan works the match while ignoring his partners and getting his ass kicked; Douglas yammers on commentary. The Varsity Club finally rushes the ring after the Revolution all triple team Duggan at once. They clear most of the ring and hit Asya with a Sullivan charge out of the Tree of Woe before turning on Duggan and leaving him lying. Douglas gets up from commentary, slides in the ring, and covers Duggan for three. Then, he talks some more on the house mic. This wasn’t bad enough to make a list or anything, but it’s a perfect example of overbooked, over-talky nonsense from this era. Okerlund interviews the Misfits in an unidentified location. They’ve appropriated the shark cage from the Revolution or whomever had it last; Oklahoma’s in it as “can’t run, can’t hide” insurance if Vampiro does manage to take down Doc. Vampiro wrestles Dr. Death next; if Vamp wins, he gets a five-minute match with Oklahoma. The Misfits wheel Oklahoma to the ring as he begs Tony S. to use whatever stroke he has to get him out of the cage over the mic. Tony S. says he doesn’t have any stroke, then tells Oklahoma that the family says hello. Heh. So, this match exists. The big draw, depending on how you feel about Ed Ferrara’s ability to do comedy, is that Oklahoma commentates this match from the cage while alternating between confidence and terror depending on whether or not Doc is in control. They fight outside, get in the ring, and trade chops back and forth before Doc lands a couple of football tackles and takes over. Doc lands a gunshot of a chop in there, and he hits a big overhead superplex, too. The rest of this is nondescript. Doc is still good, but Vampiro sucks, so there’s a lid on the quality of this match. The Misfits flood the ring after the overhead superplex. They stink at fighting, but they give Vampiro enough time to recover and hit a spinning front kick. Vampiro next tries a wheel kick and gets back suplexed. Doc does some clubbering, tosses the ref away once when the ref tries to break it up, and then goes back to clubbering. He tosses the persistent ref away again, and that’s it. That’s the finish. Charles Robinson DQs him and awards the bout to Vampiro. Oklahoma, after initially freaking out that Doc lost, realizes that Vampiro is down after all that clubbering and wants to get out of the cage as quickly as possible to press his advantage. After security backs a crazed Doc away and the crowd starts a BORING chant, Doug Dellinger unlocks the cage. Oklahoma commentates his own beating of Vampiro. Black Snow did this sort of thing like a billion times better roughly a decade from then. So, get this: Oklahoma holds his own against Vampiro. He even gets a jumping DDT off and turns back an initial Vampiro comeback. Eventually, Vampiro hits a uranage and the Misfits jump in. They all beat up Oklahoma before Vampiro lands a Nail in the Coffin for three. Boy, we’re edging closer to the Dirt Worst list with each match. I have to think about if this makes it. Yeah, just the Oklahoma match does. Curt Hennig and Russo’s Mooks try to get some direction from Russo himself, but Russo's distracted by something big that’s going down later. Tenay interviews Harlem Heat. Booker is trying to paper over the cracks in this team, but Stevie is now jealous of Midnight. Stevie is always jealous of anything that gets popping without his direct involvement. Crab-in-a-barrel ass dude. He walks out on their team before the six-person tag they’re having against Russo’s Mooks. So, Curt Hennig and Creative Control think they have a three-on-two advantage against Booker T. and Midnight. Maybe they do! This seems like a place where Paul Orndorff might pop up, but as it turns out, he never does. Creative Control sucks, man, and Ga/oP barely understands the concept of getting into position for an arm drag at one point. This match stinks, and I have no interest in heel control segments with Booker selling for Creative Control and Hennig, which is what most of this match is. Most of the rest of it is Midnight selling for Creative Control and Hennig. Stevie comes out to make amends with Booker, but Book has finally had it with his jealous-ass brother. This match goes on FOREVER. This is the one time that Russo should have just had a two-minute special. PLEASE get to the finish already. Midnight finally dodges an ugly second-rope elbow and gets a hot tag, but Stevie distracts the ref. Hennig jumps in and punches Book with brass knuckles, and Pa/oG covers Booker while Stevie prevents Midnight from breaking up the pinfall. The best this dipshit Russo had for Booker is breaking up with Stevie again. Hmph. Anyway, this was fucking garbage. Remember when this show started out with a fun tag opener? It feels like years ago. Dustin Rhodes interviews with Mike Tenay. Dustin’s still mad about his dad being fired, but he can’t even finish the interview before Jeff Jarrett jumps him and they brawl toward the ring. It’s another weapon-heavy brawl, which again, is not what I want out of a Bunkhouse Brawl. I want punches with taped fists and cowboy boot shots. It’s too bad because I was interested in a bloody brawl between these two, or even a brawl with minimal or no blood. Instead, I get Dustin slamming Jarrett into a wheelbarrow, which is a dumb garbage bump for a dumb garbage brawl. I feel somewhat cheated, so Jarrett’s taking that bump for nothing as far as I’m concerned. They finally make the ring, and Dustin grabs a cowbell, one of the few appropriate weapons for this type of match. Eventually, Billy Silverman gets in the way to try and stop the brutality too much even though this is a fucking Bunkhouse Brawl, so Dustin duct tapes him to the ropes. He also tapes a yelling Silverman’s mouth, which gets a pop. Curt Hennig comes down to get involved. Oh my gosh, this is not the wave. Hennig frees Silverman while Jarrett has Dustin under control. The only spot in this match that I love is Jarrett slamming a kendo stick over Dustin’s back; half the stick flies into the crowd with a loud CRACK, and both Hennig and Silverman stop their spot over in the corner to watch the sliver of stick fly as the crowd goes OHHHHH. Hennig interferes from the outside and eventually, after Dustin covers Jarrett after a Shattered Dreams and Hennig yanks Silverman out of the ring, Dustin lands a Shattered Dreams on Hennig before being dumped back to ringside by Jarrett. They brawl back up the aisle, and eventually Hennig joins them. Dustin hits Hennig with a bulldog on the floor, but that gives Jarrett space to climb the ladder on the set and leap off with a guitar shot that gets three. Look, I can’t say that was a terrible match, but it was maybe the most disappointing match of the night. They worked another junk hardcore match instead of a proper hateful brawl. Backstage, David Flair uses his golden crowbar to beat another headless teddy bear that he’s received. Recap: The Page vs. Flair feud is being worked in almost every possible combination. Unfortunately. Okerlund interviews DDP about this Crowbar-on-a-Pole Match that should only last like two minutes. Page should kill this guy. I mean, Page should kill this guy after he finishes cutting this standard mediocre interview. Flair jumps Page with his golden crowbar before the match. Lil’ Naitch takes it away and tells Dopey Dave that he hasn’t won until he gets the crowbar on the pole. While Robinson attends to Page, let me tell you that it’s wild how quickly these feuds and angles pass now. Russo was only in power for a total of, what, seven months across two stints? Robinson consults with Penzer over DDP's fallen form, but Page stops Penzer before he can relay Robinson’s decision to end the match by forfeit. OK, shouldn’t Flair lose for attacking his opponent before the match? That’d be a DQ win for Page, not a forfeit loss for Page. Meanwhile, David Flair isn’t what you’d call good, but he’s acceptable enough. He’s a joke character, and he wrestles well enough for a joke character (who is, admittedly, crazed and therefore at least slightly dangerous). Page also bumps around for Dave quite nicely, which helps. DDP lands a discus clothesline to stop a Flair flurry, but Flair lands a ball shot and thinks about going up for the crowbar before deciding to lock a Figure Four on Page. DDP turns the hold over, so Dave releases it, goes after the crowbar, and grabs it. He gets down, swings wildly at Page, and whiffs; Page hooks him in a quick Diamond Cutter and gets three. After the match, Page puts Dave up in the corner and hits an elevated Diamond Cutter, then prepares to whack Dave in the nads with the crowbar until Daffney’s nutty ass runs down and covers Dave; Page backs off, threatens to hit Robinson with a Diamond Cutter, and decides to just leave the ring without doing any further damage to anyone. I typically dislike that goth look, but Daffney makes it work. I’m glad she’s going to be on WCW television regularly. Recap: Liz, Sting, and The Total Package have a feud over Liz’s managerial services. Sometimes friends, sometimes foes The Total Package and Sting (w/Liz) hook it up. This seems like an almost too obvious spot for Liz to swerve Sting. There is a “free Liz from her contract” stip on this match, by the way. I think this stip got mentioned at some point in the last week or ten days before this show, but I’m not sure if I relayed it in any of my reviews. Before the match, Sting makes Liz swap out her mace for his can of “super high octane” stuff. I’m so glad that Sting is smarter than he’s ever been before. Sting making precautions against getting screwed over is the best. So, the finish will involve Liz trying to mace Sting and only spraying water or something in his face. What else do we get as part of the finish? First, we have to go through the match itself, which starts with Package jumping Sting as Sting gets into the ring. There’s an obligabrawl early on, and speaking of things that happened and that passed by as if a blip, Sting was a heel this year. Do you remember that? He was a heel for like two months. This year has been something. Can you believe that this is the same year in which Rey was both a reluctant member of the lWo and an enthusiastic member of the Filthy Animals? He feuded with the ICP at one point! Boy, nothing felt even medium-term important this year except for DDP’s short run with the big gold and the Goldberg/Sid feud. Oh yeah, this match. A bunch of punches and a double-clothesline spot later, Liz gets in the ring with the can of mace. She checks on Package; Sting, back to his feet, totes expected this. She stands up and sprays Sting with silly string rather than the mace that she expects to spray at him. Package tries to jump Sting while Sting kicks Liz out of the ring, but it doesn’t work. Sting then goes back to kicking the crap out of Package and lands a top-rope splash for two. Sting follows up with a face crusher and a pair of Stinger Splashes, then locks on a Scorpion Deathlock…no, wait, Liz gets in there holding Sting’s bat. Sting releases Package and lectures Liz. She releases the bat, then as Sting turns around and wraps Package in a Scorpion Deathlock, she picks it back up and waffles Sting in the face to draw a disqualification. Liz quickly grabs a chair and wedges it on Sting’s wrist; Package Pillmanizes Sting’s wrist while Sting is still in night-night land from the bat shot. Recap: Kevin Nash and Sid think they’re each the best at powerbombing dudes, decide to try and powerbomb one another. Sid comes out to his un-dubbed theme. Actually, the Network dub of his WCW theme has definitely grown on me, though I still think they should have dubbed his WWF theme over his WCW appearances. Tony S. mentions that Scott Hall is out “for an indefinite amount of time.” It’s almost 2000; is last week’s Nitro the last we’ve seen of Scott Hall in WCW, except for his portrait cameo in that one Jeff Jarrett/Booker T. title match? If so, I’ll just reiterate what I said before: Hall might have been the most over guy in WCW during the Nitro Era, and yes, I’m including Goldberg. If Goldberg is 1, Hall is 1B at worst. Nash makes it to the ring, and look, I generally like Nash and I almost always like Sid, but they’re typically not good dance partners for one another. Nash dominates early, but Sid comes back with a quick boot and sets up for a powerbomb that Nash dodges with a shot to the nads. Sid spills outside, and Nash follows. He tries to powerbomb Sid on the floor, but Sid shoves him away and they have a slow obligabrawl outside the ring. Sid’s back is slashed open somehow. A chair gets involved, but it means almost nothing considering that almost every other match had a bunch of weapon spots. Back in the ring, Sid hits a clothesline and then a nice legdrop. I really like Sid’s legdrop. Sid signals for a powerbomb, but lands a body slam instead. He does look for a powerbomb after that, but Nash pokes Sid in the eye and then is reversed on a whip and sandwiches the ref. *sigh*, so after the ref bump, Sid barely gets a heavy Nash up for a powerbomb that the ref misses. Sid checks on the ref, Jarrett runs out and KABONGs Sid from behind, and Nash – get this – can’t powerbomb Sid because he’s selling a back injury from being powerbombed himself, so he just tells Slick Johnson that he hit a Jackknife and Slick calls for the bell. What THEE fuck. That finish launches this one into Dirt Worst territory. Even for WCW, that is a godawful finish. DDP and Flair are heel-leaning tweeners, so take them out. Tonight, the babyfaces have won THREE TIMES – Smiley over Meng and Vampiro over Doc and then Oklahoma. And Vampiro’s win over Doc was by DQ as Doc was kicking the dog shit out of him. Also, is Vampiro even a babyface? I really can’t tell. OK, the only guy who is clearly thought of as a babyface by the fans to win tonight is Smiley. Maybe Chris Benoit will win his special challenge match tonight? He tells Tenay that his challenge is still open to be filled in a backstage interview. Chris Benoit defends his United States Championship against THE CHO CHO CHOSEN ONE Jeff Jarrett, who I just know is going to win this thing as soon as his music hits [Editor’s note: WRONG, and I’m glad I was]. I like Jeff Jarrett, but Jeff Jarrett is being overused tonight. The crowd is kind of quiet when he appears. Though, look, Jarrett working a ladder match against past Horseman foe Chris Benoit is probably gonna kick ass. Jarrett: “I’ve already kicked one ass tonight; might as well make it two.” OK, that was a pretty good line. This is still a ladder match, so Benoit meets Jarrett in the aisle and brawls with him, then brings him back to the ring and lands chops and a superplex. This last move gives Benoit time to go out, grab the ladder, and bring it back to the ring. Jarrett hears Benoit dump the ladder in the ring, revives, and knocks Benoit outside before baseball sliding the ladder into Benoit’s noggin. Jarrett takes over as Benoit bleeds badly from being split open, either on the baseball slide or from being dumped face-first onto the ladder right after that. Benoit is able to dump Jarrett outside, but Jarrett catches him and crotches him as he tries to climb the ladder. Jarrett smashes Benoit into the ladder as Benoit’s facial wound spills blood onto the mat. Jarrett tries a whip into the ladder and gets reversed, but he’s able to crotch Benoit on the ladder, then hit a sort of elevated, ladder-assisted side Russian while Benoit’s leg is threaded into the ladder. That was a cool spot. Jarrett figures he’s got things under control after that and tries to club for the belt, but Benoit catches him and crotches him in the ladder, then hangs him Tree of Woe style on the ladder before attempting to climb up the other side while Jarrett’s caught. Jarrett frantically wrenches the ladder from side to side even though his knee is caught in it and eventually topples it. Ooh, that spot was also very creative and cool. A bunch of reviews ago, when I was talking about Scott Hall/Goldberg at Souled Out, I mentioned three good ways to develop the work around a ladder match gimmick: 1.) High-flying daredevil stuff using the ladders; 2.) Brutal spots using the ladder as a blunt force object; and 3.) Limb attacks to disable your opponent from being able to climb the ladder efficiently. Let me add a 4.): Creative ladder spots in which you use it as an assisting object to hit moves with or an object to obstruct your opponent’s movement with while you try to simultaneously climb it. Those last two spots were very much in the vein of 4.), and this match has been mostly an quite effective mix of 2.) and 4.). So, back to the match: Both men climb the ladder, meet each other at the top, and throw punches. Jarrett punches Benoit off the ladder, but Benoit lands on his feet and shoves the ladder from the front, knocking Jarrett into the ropes. Benoit goes up, but Jarrett shoves the ladder from the side and essentially Hot Shots Benoit across the ropes. Jarrett climbs, but Benoit does the same to Jarrett and Jarrett crotches himself on the top rope. Benoit goes up again, and Jarrett squirms off the ropes and onto the apron. He goes up and dropkicks the ladder from underneath Benoit, who takes a face-first fall onto the mat to a bunch of applause. This match rules so hard. Jarrett, who probably should be more tired from swinging weapons at Dustin Rhodes earlier in the night, is up to his feet first. The only remotely negative thing about this match is that Benoit should probably have a clearer advantage over a guy who already wrestled once. Jarrett tries to set up the ladder, but Benoit is able to stagger to his feet and dropkick the ladder into Jarrett. Benoit places the ladder and goes up, but instead of grabbing the belt, he drops a diving headbutt to a legitimate standing ovation from the crowd, then goes back up and unstraps the belt. That match was borderline great. No, you know what, it was legitimately great. It’s one of the best matches I’ve seen in this whole run. Benoit managing to have great matches even with Russo booking these shows is pretty amazing. Nobody ever talks about this match, either. Much like Sid/Goldberg at Havoc, it’s underrated and under-discussed because of the shitty booking going on around it. That’s a shame. As one final note before we move to the main event, Jarrett is one of Benoit’s best opponents. Benoit and Jarrett show up multiple times on the Favorites and Good Matches lists, and they’ve now placed two Starrcade matches against one another – in 1996 and 1999 – on one or the other of those lists. Recap: The Hitman is our crusading babyface World Heavyweight Champ! Aw yeah, babyface Hitman as champ! I’ve been waiting two years for this moment. I’m sure nothing bad will toss this off course. No career-ending injuries, no wonky Russo booking to turn Bret heel again for no fucking reason – nothing’s going to stop this Hitman babyface run! The Hitman interviews with Mike Tenay, and I have so much trepidation. I don’t want to see punch-drunk Bret work with a concussion that possibly (probably?) contributed to his life-altering stroke and ended his career. Bret once again guarantees victory before we toss things over to Michael Buffer. Michael Buffer’s Ring Announcing Quality Control: I don’t know how many more Buffer intros we get, so we might be retiring this one after tonight, but Buffer does fine. He even changes up his intro to make it a statement that we as an audience are ready for this main event, not a question. You know, I realize as Goldberg comes out here (second, even though he’s the damn challenger, BOOOO), he won’t do better than .500 at Starrcade. And you know, I’m not sure he makes it out of WCW with even a .500 record at Starrcade. My hazy memory is that he loses at Starrcade 2000 to Totally Buff and is forced to retire. Is that right? I’ll see when I get there at some point in 2025. So, like I said, I’ve been dreading coming to this match. This and the Sid leg-breaker match – I have no desire to watch either of them, but I'll do it for the sake of analyzing the pro graps. I’m looking away in the Sid match when he goes up top, though. I can’t even really concentrate on this opener or anything like that. I’m just waiting for WATCH THE KICK to happen, and it happens late in the game. Bret’s mentioned this, but I think it gets lost in the discussion about the kick, but he does a ringpost Figure Four spot before the kick and he bonks his head HARD on the floor because Goldberg doesn’t help him ease his way downward by holding Bret up with his leg strength. You can see that Bret hurt himself even though there’s a mat underneath him. I hate this match, is what I’m saying. I hate it because I know too much about it. Let’s just get to the finish. (I should note that there are cool spots in there, like Bret almost reversing a Goldberg roll-through legbar into a Sharpshooter. This could have been a good or even great match, but that FUCKING Goldberg worked himself into a shoot after bashing his head into his door and injured one of the true GOATs.) There are multiple ref bumps, obviously. WATCH THE KICK and a spear happen after the third ref bump, if I’m counting correctly. Roddy Piper walks down in a ref shirt looking dour. Bret jumps Goldberg from behind and locks on a Sharpshooter while Piper calls immediately for the bell because it’s 1999, and we will never escape the Montreal Screwjob. Never, never, NEVER! The Hitman chases down Piper looking upset, but Piper simply awards him the title and slouches away. That’s it! That’s how the fucking show ends! This was an awful Starrcade, but at least I had that fun tag opener and Benoit/Jarrett in one of the all-time great Ladder Matches. Take my advice and watch that last one for sure. The rest of this was just overbooked mediocrity with a bunch of babyfaces losing in cheap and shitty ways.

I would have loved that because, based on how Philly reacted to Sid, they would have absolutely loved Duggan appearing.

Pretty much everyone who is hyped in modern American wrestling today. I'll never run out of old stuff to watch, but I miss being into a modern weekly wrestling show. There's nothing like the anticipation of waiting for the next episode of a hot wrestling show.

That, or bust out a dance. Dancing will get you over all day, every day.

Thunder Interlude – show number ninety-one – 16 December 1999 "The WCW Gang manages to land most of their attempts at comedy, overbooked nonsense" It’s on to Thunder and then Starrcade…Let’s, as Tenay says, MAKE THUNDER SPECIAL AGAIN… Sid Vicious comes to the ring while Tenay moves on to promoting Starrcade…Scott Hudson joins Tenay on color…Cool!...Vicious is joined in the ring by Chris Benoit…They dap each other up…Sid drops the funniest HEY YO ever…They cut promos against each of the Outsiders…The talking is fine…Sid will powerbomb Nash to the core of the earth…Benoit’s seen those WWF ladder matches Hall had, and he plans to supplant Hall as the king of those matches…They challenge the Outsiders to a tag match for a little tune-up…Curt Hennig and Russo’s Mooks interject from the top of the ramp…The Outsiders are already booked for a House of Pain match with Goldberg and the Hitman…Also, TPtB doesn’t like all the demands…Hennig books them against one another tonight and says that Russo wants them to fight or they get suspended for six months with no pay…That’s how you know it’s a work…WCW would never suspend any of its wrestlers for six months without pay, no matter what they did… Tonight’s matchups, other than the ones I just mentioned: Vampiro vs. Buff Bagwell; Hacksaw Duggan and Midnight vs. Saturn and Asya; David Flair vs. Screamin’ Norman Smiley in a Hardcore Championship match; and Chris Kanyon vs. Diamond Dallas Page… Juventud Guerrera, still in a sling, comes out alone…Tenay describes his work with Juvi last week as “two hours of hell”…Juvi’s running gag is to shout out the town he’s in over the house mic, but of course he gets it wrong and shouts out the city Nitro was in the night before instead…Then, he yells IT DOESN’T MATTER WHERE WE ARE…This is absurd…It feels like Thunder episodes give me tons of chances to talk about how the Rock basically has every other pro wrestler in the U.S. shook in 1999… Sting (or someone who is dressed like him) jumps DDP as the latter warms up in his locker room… After a commercial break, Page is up and looking around for Sting…Hudson seems confused about why Sting would attack Page…Have you not been watching Thunder or Nitro lately, Hudson?...They’ve been side-beefing since Page got a cheapie victory over Sting a week ago… Vampiro wrestles Buff Bagwell while Hudson works out his confusion…Oklahoma is out five seconds into this thing…He comes to the desk…Four people are now on commentary…Four people on commentary, one of whom is Oklahoma, and Vampiro wrestling Buff Bagwell in the ring…This is textbook 1999 WCW…If I asked someone to describe what a random terrible late ‘90s WCW segment might involve, it’s this…But even then, one cool thing happens in this bout…Buff ducks a kick and counters a Vampiro leap up with a sit-out powerbomb that looks great…Juvi: “Nice move! That surprised me; he never does that move”…Juvi’s out here describing how I feel about these pro graps spots… Adrian Aaron Neville is in the crowd…Vampiro confronts Oklahoma…Dr. Death confronts Vampiro…Jerry Only jumps Dr. Death…In a dumb finish, both Buff and Vamp go up top in opposite corners…Instead of jumping down since their opponent isn’t anywhere near them, they stand up there until Oklahoma can hit Vampiro with a bottle of barbecue sauce…Vampiro sells the shot by leaping down and stumbling into perfect position for a Blockbuster that ends the match…FAAAAAAAAKE…Post match, Dr. Death murders Vamp with a double-underhook suplex on the floor…Whew, that was pretty sick…Two good moves in that whole thing didn’t make it entirely worth watching, but that’s better than we get in a lot of these matches… Before the break, Spice flirts with Evan Karagias as she walks him to the ring to face TAFKAPI… After the break, DDP is still looking for Sting… TAFKAPI and Paisley cut an interview…Well, Paisley cuts the interview…Which is probably a good call…Paisley: “Tonight we’re going to party like it's *beat* 2000”…What a gimmick!... Juvi declares this match “The Jabroni Match of the Week”…HAHAHAHA…Juvi’s out here unnecessarily burying these dudes…Anyway, Evan Karagias (w/Spice) hooks it up with TAFKAPI (w/Paisley)…They do their little mic deal where Paisley asks what TAFKAPI’s creative juices have produced and then TAFKAPI answers with one mysterious word….The bummer is that TAFKAPI is a fun worker!...He has a nice headbutt to the groin lower abdomen here…But the match breaks down almost immediately when Madusa comes out here…Madusa, Spice, and Paisley all get in the ring and bicker…The ref is drawn by this and misses Karagias hitting a missile dropkick and covering…Karagias gets up to get the ref’s attention and TAFKAPI schoolboys him for three…Juvi is confused about whether or not TAFKAPI won the title, and that sets Tenay off…Madusa slaps Karagias, and he leaves with Spice…Wait a minute, are we gonna get a Russo Swerve where Spice helps Madusa at Starrcade and it’s like THOSE TREACHEROUS WOMEN ALWAYS STICK TOGETHER, BRO, YOU KNOW THAT… DDP finally runs up on Sting in the back and brawls with him…Oh great, there was a second Sting…Alright, so someone in Sting clothing attacked DDP and now there are at least two (maybe twenty, who knows) Stings running around out here…Was one of the fake Stings Barry Windham, perhaps?... The Revolution comes to the ring…Juvi is as bored by them as I am…You’re not supposed to say it, bud, but yeah, they suck…The lights go out before Shane Douglas can talk…Midnight is in the ring, and Jim Duggan quickly joins her…Saturn locking it up with Hacksaw is some WCW-ass WCW shit…Midnight tangles with Asya and is run over by Saturn…She fights back as Douglas gets all edgy by dropping a “bitch” on commentary…Harlem Heat walks down…Midnight is FIP…Hey, a tag match in the Russo Era with proper shine-heat-comeback structure…WHOA…Duggan gets two on a running clothesline, and Asya comes in to spoil the cover…Midnight enters the ring and the match breaks down… Harlem Heat checks on Midnight after she gets dumped to the floor, but Stevie just tosses her back in…Stevie and Booker argue about that, and Midnight soon joins them in their spirited disagreement…Meanwhile, Shane Douglas runs in and tries to land a cast shot…He misses and hits Saturn…Malenko tries to interject by using Hacksaw’s 2x4…Hacksaw plonks Malenko, gets the 2x4, and hits Saturn with it, then covers for three…Harlem Heat leave ringside while squabbling, so there’s no backup for Duggan in this post-match beatdown by the Revolution…They strip him to his flag boxers and kick the shit out of him…Aaron Neville jumps over the railing, grabs the 2x4, and clears the ring…What a segment!...That was the most enjoyable WCW/Russo/1999 segment so far, maybe…It was dumb and busy and full of stuff, but it all somehow worked and was pretty fun to watch… Gene Okerlund tries to talk to a pacified David Flair…Dopey Dave’s upgrading from Torrie to Daffney…Good for him!…David tells Gene to pet his headless bear in a placid voice…Gene does, and Dave yells NEVER DO THAT, NEVER and storms off…That was actually pretty funny!... Sting is swinging a baseball bat in the back…The real one…Apparently, TTP was dressed as Sting in that initial attack on Page… Screamin’ Norman Smiley (in Crimson Tide football jersey and pads) faces a crowbar-and-headless-teddy wielding David Flair…There’s a back body drop in this thing…Huh…Dave wanders around like a lunatic, then gets hit in the head with a can lid and swinging slammed…In a genuinely funny spot, Norm starts a wiggle, and Dave gets up behind him like some sort of goofball slasher flick villain holding a trash can…Dave does the worst Running Man in the history of dance as Norm initiates a Big Wiggle…Norm feels someone behind him, turns around, and sees Dave finish his dance before delivering a trash can shot…Dopey Dave cackles after doing that, and man, that was so fucking funny to me…Dave tries another back body drop, but Norm blocks it and knocks him down…Norm, who next grabs Dave’s bear, tosses it at Meng when Meng comes out to face him…Norm runs and Meng destroys the bear…Flair gets up and freaks out over his destroyed bear, rubbing the bear’s fluff against his face and shrieking…I think I enjoyed this match?!...I mean, it was a Russo Special…There wasn’t even a proper match ending…Things just wound down…That should annoy me, but this match had like two actual wrestling moves in it, which is novel for a hardcore match, and the Wiggle/Running Man spot absolutely killed me…Yeah, this somehow finds its way onto the Charming Uniquities list…Whether you get a kick out of it, dear reader, depends on how funny you find the spots that are supposed to be funny…That’s Dave’s first appearance on one of my good lists, I think… We come back from break to see Smiley running like Trent Richardson (but you know, with better cuts) out of the parking lot while he screams…That was also very funny… Sting hits the ring…He’s irritated at TTP mimicking him and then calls Package out for a fight right now because he doesn’t feel like waiting another three days…Package’s heel schemer character is top-notch…No one noticed this because it’s 1999 WCW and most everyone was watching 1999 WWF instead for one, and 1999 WCW hits you with so much stuff that it’s easy to lose the few good crumbs in the morass of junk, for two…But Package has done excellent character and segment work since his return from the bicep injury…Package runs in dressed as Sting and gets his ass kicked… Juvi is genuinely confused over who was dressed as Sting and why…“I thought [fake Sting] was DDP,” Juvi says with what I am pretty sure is SHOOT confusion over this angle…HILARIOUS…I am enjoying this Thunder for only some of the right reasons…Liz comes out here as Package takes over…Has someone asked Tenay if he was actually annoyed with Juvi on commentary?...I feel like he is shoot annoyed, which only enhances the fun…This time, he goes off about Juvi deciding to double down on his confusion over this fake Sting angle…Oh yeah, so Sting comes back, hits a Stinger Splash, and gets a boot on another one…Package tries to hit Sting with a bat…Liz stops Package…Sting tries to rack Package…Liz just happens to get in the way (HMMMMMMM) and gets knocked over…Sting drops Package to check on Liz, and Package grabs the bat and whales away on him… Paramedics check Sting and ask him how he’s doing after the commercial…Sting: I GOT HIT WITH A BASEBALL BAT LIKE FORTY TIMES…ahahaHAHAHAHAHAHA, what an annoyed response from Sting...Genuinely funny…The medics asks where it hurts…Sting, now super-annoyed: MY BACK…Meanwhile, as Sting tries to get up and look for Package, we cut to Package hastily stuffing his suitcase in his car and driving away… Dr. Death (w/Oklahoma) is out here…Oklahoma gets back on commentary…Poor Tenay has already had to deal with Juvi trying to make a coherent comment about Doc and failing miserably…Berlyn is Doc’s opponent…THE WALL, BROTHER is with Berlyn again…Um, last we saw, TW,B was chasing Berlyn out of the BLOCK…So when did they make up again?...Well, never you mind…Berlyn sends TW,B into the ring to face Doc…OK, so it’s Doc/TW,B…Sorry about that…Doc hits a stalling body slam…That’s actually a pretty cool spot…Oklahoma, after a TW,B big boot: BIG BOOT, BIG BOOT, BIG BOOT…Juvi, after TW,B follows up with another big boot: SECOND BOOT, SECOND BOOT, SECOND BOOT…Oklahoma, perturbed: “Stop stealin’ my gimmick, son”… OK, that got me to laugh, as did Oklahoma spotting Chavo shilling some of his wares in the crowd and saying, “There’s Chavo, the only guy in this company who sells”…When even Oklahoma gets me to laugh, that’s how you know it’s a magical night where most of the comedy, whether intentional or unintentional, is landing…I just saw caley pan another joke of this type in a post that popped up as I edited this review…The difference between this Russo-riffic joke and the one on Nitro is that Ferrara delivered the punchline way better than Malenko did…Anyway, the pocket of the crowd in which Chavo is working starts a CHAVO chant, HAHAHA…What is even happening right now?...Oklahoma tries to hit TW,B with his boot, but Berlyn takes it away…That’s good…However, Berlyn then hits Doc with the boot in full view of the ref, causing TW,B to get disqualified…That’s bad…TW,B punches Berlyn in the face for screwing up his trip to the pay windah…Doc clotheslines TW,B to the floor, then walks out with Oklahoma…Weirdly entertaining segment… Recap: Nitro advances some feuds for Starrcade… Buzzkill passes around a petition to fans outside the arena…OK, fucking BUZZKILL makes me (and the fans) laugh with the following comment…Buzzkill: “This petition is to stop…uh...what is this petition for again? *pauses, thinks a bit* I forget, but it’s a GOOD PETITION! It’s gonna work!”…HAHAHAHAHAHA, perfect line delivery… Curt Hennig and Dustin Rhodes hook it up next…Dustin grabs a mic and gets bleeped for calling Jeff Jarrett a “slap happy bastard”…It’s so weird what they choose to bleep or not bleep…Dustin promises to be Jarrett’s “fat daddy” at Starrcade…Oooooh, kinky!...Shane enters the ring like right after the bell rings and gets hit with a Shattered Dreams…That might be the first one Rhodes has hit in this run within the company, at least on Nitro or Thunder…Hennig uses the distraction to jump Rhodes…Dustin’s music starts again as Hennig cranks his neck…Someone is floated to the ring in Seven’s garb…It’s Jeff Jarrett, who bashes Dustin with a guitar…Russo’s Mooks help Jarrett kick Dustin’s ass…Jarrett lands a Stroke… After the break, Jarrett cuts a promo on Dustin backstage…Jarrett calls Dusty and Dustin “two old hornyackers”…Auto-caption hears this as “two old horny actors”…HAHAHA, even the captioning is unintentionally adding to the fun…Jarrett can’t say “bale of hay”…He tries twice…First, he says “bay of hale,” then tries again and only gets it wrong in reverse by saying “hale of bay”…This Thunder is semi-unironically hilarious… Even Roddy Piper showing up in a ref outfit can’t bring me down… Syko Sid Vicious wrestles Chris Benoit next…This is a good pairing, though I doubt they’ll be doing much in a TV match during the Russo-Ferrara Era…Sid gets a mic and says he and Benoit are cool with six months off…That covers at least three months of softball season in the spring…Sid says before they roll out for their suspension, they want to fight TPtB…Sid wants ‘em to take of their girly-girl weaksauce dresses that indicate their physical and moral weakness and come out for a real man’s fight…Hennig and the rest of Russo’s Mooks respond…It’s a two-on-five handicap match…Sid powerbombs Shane, chokeslams Parka, and helps Benoit beat down CC even though Benoit’s holding them off on his own anyway…Sid beats up Hennig in the aisle while Benoit sets up a ladder in the ring…Benoit pulls off a cool spot where he rolls under the ladder after being shot into the ropes, then pops up and shoves the ladder onto CC…Benoit gets a Crossface on one CC member, but is jumped by the other one…Hennig cracks Benoit with the ladder, drawing a DQ loss for Russo’s Mooks…Sid gets back in and tries to help Benoit, but gets jumped with a ladder shot…The babyfaces almost never stand tall in the RFE, have you noticed?...That’s kind of a bummer… Gene Okerlund interviews Roddy Piper backstage…Piper stinks at cutting a promo…He’s refereeing the House of Pain match in a few minutes… Chris “Champagne” Kanyon (w/J. Biggs and ladies) hits the ring…Kanyon lets the crowd know that he’s now a star and no one can beat him…DDP is up against CCK tonight, as a reminder…The Jersey Triad EXPLODES…Again…Biggs yells at Hudson off-mic, and Hudson gives his headset to Biggs…Page and Kanyon have a decent match for the Russo TV era while Biggs talks about how much of a huge star Kanyon is…Kanyon shoves his way out of a Diamond Cutter, but walks right back into a huge uranage…Tenay calls that last move a Diamond Death Drop, but isn’t a DDD a Razor’s Edge?...I guess Page is trying to reclaim that move name for himself… Juvi keeps insisting that Chris Kanyon’s nickname is “Shampoo,” and when Tenay corrects him, Juvi claims that the guy just needs some shampoo for that greasy hair of his…Biggs, calmly responding: “I’ve heard it through the grapevine from The Powers that Be that if Juvi has a repeat performance [on commentary] like he did last week – green card”…Juvi yells SHUT UP, JABRONI, LOOK AT THE MATCH…Biggs is such a dick, man…He gets up and tries to help Kanyon cheat, but his punch tags Kanyon after Page reverses a whip…Page gets two on a rollup, then gets up and hits a Diamond Cutter on his third try after Kanyon blocks a second one…Biggs talks to the ref, and therefore Charles Robinson doesn’t see David Flair run down with his crowbar and hammer Page with it…There’s a standing ten count when Robinson turns around, and Kanyon manages to cover at nine and win the match…Bam Bam runs out to tell the ref what happened, so Kanyon crushes a champagne bottle over Bammer’s head…Juvi is incensed because he thinks smashing bottles of alcohol on people’s heads is his gimmick… Piper knocks out Creative Control when they try to bar him from the building, then makes sure production will play his music when he cues them… BREAKING NEWS: According to Gene Okerlund, Scott Hall has been attacked in the Outsiders’ dressing room…Roddy Piper comes to the ring…They set up a cage for a match that is going to go fewer than four minutes, if it goes at all…As Goldberg makes his way to the ring, Creative Control and Jeff Jarrett jump Piper at ringside…Bret Hart and Kevin Nash go at it in the cage…The bait-and-switch doesn’t bother me…Goldberg finally makes it out here and helps Piper fight off Jarrett and CC…Goldberg rips off the cage door, which was locked…Nash tries to cut Goldberg off, but Piper gets in the ring and clobbers Nash with a steel pip that Jarrett had brought out here…Jarrett comes back and lands a guitar shot to Piper…Jarrett lands a second guitar shot to Goldberg, who just gets up and spears the guy…Nash hits Goldberg with the pipe as Goldberg prepares to land a Jackhammer…Jarrett and Nash cuff Bret to the cage to get him out of harm’s way…They also handcuff Goldberg and land a couple pipe shots…They land one to Bret just for plausible deniability’s sake…They cuff Piper next…Oh yeah, since both team members are cuffed, that ends the match…This is the same type of match the Revolution had against the Filthy Animals that I forgot about until now…This poor crowd just wanted Goldberg to stand tall…They’re too dead to even boo that much…Goldberg rips the cuffs off the cage and the heels run away... On to Starrcade!...I will say this: I genuinely enjoyed this Thunder…In the immediate aftermath, I can’t quite explain why it worked for me when most overbooked Thunders don’t beyond the fact that I laughed pretty much all the way through this thing…I give it a WOO (surprisingly!)…

Haha, okay, I've seen this. It's even dumber than I remember, somewhat because he barely gets the springboard off in the first place. Mostly because that's a dumb bump to take on the floor, though. What a dope! Oh yeah, we used to watch those UFC tapes. I don't know that Tank doesn't care or that he just doesn't have the ability to project himself. I err on the side of giving him some grace. I think a lot of people don't really get pro wrestling and what an art/talent it is to project one's character outward in a believable way. They think it's all like Hogan and Macho yelling (which in and of itself is not just "yelling," but there's a cadence to how they do it, etc.) or spamming catchphrases like the Rock or Stone Cold (again, there's a cadence and art to it when done right). I think Tank came in and didn't understand that how to project his tough-guy KO artist gimmick because in a UFC cage, he just gets in there, throws heavy punches, and gets over. He's sort of like Kimbo Slice in that way. Sort of a boring, low-energy dude when not in a fight. Ken Shamrock got it, but I think Ken Shamrock is a special pro wrestling talent. If you stick him in WCW in 1997 and push him like Goldberg, I am convinced that he'd get over like Goldberg did in front of that crowd. Maybe not to Goldberg's extent, but not that far off.

I watched every single one of them to accurately log them all for the Absolute Dirt Worst list. The payoff of DDP destroying Bisch and the set in the last of FIVE of these segments did not make up for the pain of watching them all. This is too much pro wrestling, and I love pro wrestling. Check that: This is too much 1999 U.S. pro wrestling. Absolutely, though Russo has restrained himself so far on rapid-fire heel turns. I'm guessing that it only gets worse in his second stint. In fairness, I'm not also watching WWF C-shows or whatever the hell while I'm doing this. Just Nitro, Thunder, and PPVs. I find that I balance out remembering stuff I watched days or weeks ago with totally misremembering the stuff that I haven't gotten to yet, though.

Show #218 – 13 December 1999 “The one that sets in motion yet another pointless and stupid Bret Hart heel turn; if Russo and Bischoff ever want to bond over what they have in common, 'turning Bret Hart heel when everyone wants him to be a babyface'” It’s wild that Vince Russo just got into WCW, and we’re only like another five or six Nitros away from him being ousted for at least a little while! We open in media res, with Jeff Jarrett destroying Chris Benoit backstage before missing a briefcase toss, which allows Benoit to come back and whip him into a pile of boxes, then snot rocket him. Now we get the opener. The Artist Known Formerly as Prince Iaukea – TAFKAPI in the previous Thunder review and for as long as this guy is on camera in this gimmick going forward – comes to the ring with Paisley. I’m waiting for someone out there, maybe Russo himself in a backstage segment, to mention that her last name is PARK, BRO. Iaukea is trying to act like Prince Rogers, but Prince Rogers has flair and style, you know? It’s only replicable by comedians who have a gift for noticing his tiny quirks and adding them to an imitation based on the broad behaviors everyone associates with Rogers to make a full picture of their impersonation. In other words, effectively lampooning Prince as part of this gimmick is way beyond TAFKAPI’s talent in playing a character. Most people think of Dave Chappelle’s Prince impersonation in one of Charlie Murphy’s True Hollywood Stories sketches as a guiding example of what an over-the-top, but still realistic-feeling impersonation looks like (just the description you want for a pro wrestling gimmick), but you could also look at the comedian who played Prince knockoff “Charade” on Sherman’s Showcase as another reasonable example of what Iaukea would need to do to make this thing work at a bare minimum. Iaukea’s trying his best, but I just feel bad for him. We’re just going to get the obvious matchup – TAFKAPI vs. the Maestro (w/Symphony) – out of the way, I guess. These entrances with the music and such take legit like four or five minutes. I’m certainly that they’re going to be longer than this match, which has some energy and is perfectly fine for the length it gets. OF COURSE Symphony and Paisley get on the apron in tandem; each one slaps the face of the other lady’s charge. TAFKAPI rolls the Maestro up for three as he staggers backward from Paisley’s slap, but he doesn’t get long to celebrate because snobby country music star J E DOUBLE FF J A DOUBLE R E DOUBLE T, HA HA hits both of these musical frauds with guitars, then challenges Chris Benoit to a Bunkhouse Brawl later tonight. That sounds awesome, but again, it’s almost certain that twenty or thirty dudes will run in on that one just as it’s getting good. Other matches tonight: Tank Abbott vs. Meng; Syko Sid Vicious vs. Dr. Death; Sting and DDP vs. David Flair and TTP in a no-DQ tag match. I get a kick out of Tony having to promote the Jarrett/Benoit match since it’s part of the graphic that pops up to list out tonight’s big bouts and covering for it by saying that everyone just assumes Benoit will accept any challenge issued to him, so they put it on the list ahead of time. Evan Karagias is macking on Spice, which would be quite the upgrade on Madusa. Unfortunately, Madusa comes up on Evan and goes after Spice; security, back to work this week, swarms Madusa. Double champion Bret Hart, who is most of the way through being booked like an ace for a single month before Goldberg gives him such a terrible concussion that he has to retire, comes to the ring to cut a little promo in the ring about his Starrcade match against Goldberg. Hitman: “I’ve got nothing but infinite respect for Bill Goldberg.” Give it six days, buddy. The crowd starts a GOLDBERG chant while the Hitman speaks, and three guys try to counter with a GOLDBERG SUCKS *clap* *clap* *clapclapclap* chant, but it doesn’t take. Bret gets booed for guaranteeing that he’ll win at Starrcade, and I can only imagine Russo being certain that having Bret say that would cement that no one in the audience is predicting yet another Hitman heel turn. Goldberg comes to the ring to respond. He says that matches aren’t won on confidence level, then shows high confidence that he’ll win and that Bret is next. The Outsiders join this spirited discussion from the ramp. Nash facetiously feeds Hall his line, and Hall hits a HEY YO to rapturous applause. The Outsiders want the tag belts and make a challenge for them, and it’s a legit 60/40 in favor of the Outsiders when Hall makes the initial challenge. Hall quotes Something for the People’s single hit, then hands the mic to Nash, who says: “If you two can find it in your hearts to kiss and make up – I’ll wait, go ahead. Go ahead. *grins* How about a little embrace?” OK, that made me chuckle a bit. The Hitman accepts the challenge for his team. On another note, if Scott Hall could have stayed on the straight and narrow, he could have been the world champ in this company forever. He might be the most popular WCW wrestler in the whole Monday Night Wars Era. People love the hell out of Scott Hall. Since Mona got dismissed from WCW by Russo on Thunder, Gene Okerlund has now reduced himself to staring at Madusa’s cleavage. Madusa redirects his attention, then asserts that she’s going to wrestle Spice tonight. Ref Roddy Piper gets out of a car and yells about TPtB and New Orleans in general. Terry Taylor tells TTP the bad news about his match for later tonight. Luger: “The NITWIT David Flair in a tag team with The Total Package, *sigh*.” I again assert that TTP is really funny. This style of television really suits him - short matches as he gets worse and worse in the ring, but more speaking segments where he's asked to do comedy, which he's excellent at. David Flair, speaking of, scares a delivery person away with his crowbar. The delivery person drops a package for him that he picks up. Aw, that wacky Daffney has advanced to mailing things to her target. Soon, she’ll be shrieking in his ear and trying to scratch his eyeballs out. Madusa vs. Spice is next. Spice’s Eurodance entrance music rules. That’s some very ‘90s shit right there. Madusa jumps on Spice. Evan Karagias runs down and tries to stop Madusa, who wants Evan to punch Spice in the face. Evan doesn’t, and Spice ends up sandwiching Madusa into Evan in the corner, then covering Madusa while her body is halfway off the apron and somehow gets a three count. After the match, Madusa pretends to make up with Evan, slips behind him, and hits him with a German suplex, then kicks him. They bicker as they leave not-quite-together. Russo asks Shane if he’s got the remote control ready for use in Curt Hennig’s upcoming match, but before he can go over any more plans, Rhonda Singh jumps into the frame and boisterously asks for her next assignment. Russo refuses to talk to lower-midcarders and tells her that he’ll only talk to her agent. We know that’s a lie because Russo talks to Creative Control all the time. Russo sends Shane off in search of Roddy Piper. Recap: The Revolution has gone entirely off the rails as a gimmick. What the fuck?! Janitor Jim Duggan has had quite a few problems with the Revolution, and he gets interview time here in the Year of Our Lord 1999 with Gene Okerlund. In the ring, too, not just backstage. Amazing. The counterpoint to this complaint is that Duggan’s very over in the Midwest and South and especially over in Louisiana. He does his typical “for God and Country” shtick for entirely longer than he needs to before the lights go out and someone jumps Duggan in the ring. I guess this is Russo’s new deal for jumping guys in the ring and explains the remote control thing he was talking about earlier. Roddy Piper is given his next refereeing assignment: Curt Hennig vs. Buff Bagwell. Russo emphasizes that Piper should make wise decisions while reffing this match if he wants to keep his WCW career. The Total Package looks for Dopey David Flair, that nitwit. He’s just walking, but I get a kick out of Package’s frustrated insistence that Dave’s a nitwit. Roddy Piper comes to the ring to referee another Buff Bagwell/Curt Hennig match. I stopped to watch Piper’s best career match, which is against Keith David in They Live. Piper hit a gutwrench suplex to end that fight and force David to wear the sunglasses. I totally forgot about that; it was a sweet gutwrench suplex, too. That movie is more proof that Piper with some reins on him is pretty fantastic. That’s easy to forget after this Piper run where everyone got all laissez faire with him and let him just do whatever. Before the match, Piper declares this match a no disqualification match. A bunch of annoying kids are walking around on the hard camera side with huge signs that block the view of some frustrated fans. Where did they get that dumb idea from? Anyway, Buzzkill walks by the hard cam holding a sign that is at least smaller and blocks the views of fewer fans while Buff and Hennig have a match that is so bland that no one at this show probably even remembered that it happened the next day. Piper fast counts for Buff, who I guess he hates slightly less than Russo now that his heat with Buff over the summer has faded, and Piper slow counts for Hennig as the crowd, loving his antics, chants RODDY. Creative Control comes to the top of the ramp to survey the action; Buff makes a comeback, but leaps into knees on a splash. Piper makes Hennig break on his follow-up punches in the corner even though this is no DQ because it’s only no DQ for one of the men in the ring. Hennig gets in Piper’s face, and Piper clocks him. Buff jumps on top of Hennig and Piper counts a quick three. TTP, upon finding the door to David’s room: “Huh, he’s got his own locker room. [Takes after] his old man after all.” Package knocks, but hears weird noises coming from the room and cuts a very funny facial expression. Jeff Jarrett (w/prop guitar, barstool) comes to the ring for the Bunkhouse Brawl against Chris Benoit (w/ladder). Benoit is properly dressed for such a match: cut-off t-shirt and blue jeans. Jarrett goes with black jeans and no shirt, but he’s wearing elbow pads. Elbow pads? In a Bunkhouse Brawl? What a WUSS. This match has too many weapon shots and not enough punches. Further, in a proper Bunkhouse Brawl, the most commonly used weapon shot should be someone putting a cowboy boot over their fist and punching a dude with it until said dude is bleeding. In this match, a cowbell gets the most play. Acceptable, but not ideal. I also don’t think a ladder fits in one of these matches at all. Finally, there are ropes on the ring, which is fine, but I do prefer a ropeless ring in this type of match. Still, for a ‘90s style garbage brawl on free television, this is about as good as you’re going to get. You can see the clear step up from a random Hugh Morrus vs. Bam Bam Bigelow match of this type or whatever. Everything is just more crisp. Anyway, the finish: After Jeff Jarrett beals Benoit from the ladder by using the cowbell as a lasso in a cool spot, Dustin Rhodes runs in, punches Jarrett, and sets Jarrett up for a Shattered Dreams. Ref Charles Robinson blocks it, so Rhodes sets Robinson up in the other corner for a Shattered Dreams. Jarrett grabs another guitar and goes after Rhodes; he turns Rhodes around and swings it at the same time that Rhodes kicks his leg out. Rhodes gets bashed with the guitar; Jarrett gets punted in the balls. Chris Benoit gets back up, surveys the carnage, and heads up the ladder for a free diving headbutt on Jarrett. Benoit ends up taking a wild bump when Jarrett is able to recover and fling Rhodes forward into the ladder; Benoit lands flat on his face, and Jarrett sneaks away with a three count. TTP tries to discuss match strategy with David Flair, but Flair is too busy hugging the teddy bear that Daffney was hugging in last week’s Nitro Party video and apparently sent him in that package. Oh, I forgot two important details. One, Flair is creepily cackling as he hugs it. Two, the bear is now missing its head. So, a quick break here: I knew that Crowbar and Daffney were a pair, and I basically enjoyed them in 2000 WCW, but does Crowbar get his name as a result of feuding with Dopey Dave, whose signature weapon is a crowbar? I’m assuming something like this: Dave rejects Daffney at some point, and Daffney brings Crowbar in for revenge, giving him that name as a vestige of Flair’s once-preferred weapon. Also, Devon Storm had at least one or two matches on Nitro back in 1996, so it’s been awhile for him! He’s working WCWSN shows under that name right now, so at least he’s back on WCW television semi-regularly. Finally, which is the dumber weapon gimmick to try and work realistically: Dopey Dave’s crowbar or Hopeless Hunter’s sledgehammer? A nice Roadster pulls up. Who could be inside? WHO, WHO INDEED?!?!?!?! Russo tries to signal La Parka to attack Piper again, but Piper staves him off with a baseball bat. Unfortunately, he doesn’t see Curt Hennig coming and eats a chair shot while Russo crows at him. Tank Abbott stinks. Ken Shamrock is the perfect fit for WCW – can’t talk, but lots of physical charisma and is super-intense. Shamrock was never going to get very far up the card in 1998/1999/2000 WWF, which is flooded with great talkers, but he would have been a surefire main eventer in 1999/2000 WCW, I think. Abbott is like a facsimile of a facsimile of Shamrock. He has no physical charisma and can’t project intensity. He just looks like a dumpy dude in basketball shorts. He and Meng clubber one another to start this match. They clubber one another in the middle of it. They clubber one another to end it, as they clubber themselves out of the ring and into the aisle, where both men are counted out. So, here’s who was in that Roadster: Chris Kanyon, dressed up like a pimp; two ladies in low-cut dresses; and Clarence Mason. I didn’t make any of that up, I swear! I could have written anything about who got out of that Roadster, though, and it would have been roughly plausible in the Russo-Ferrara Era. But honestly, that’s really who got out of the Roadster. Piper got dumped out of TPtB’s office and is stopped by security before he can use a fire extinguisher to try and break the handle. Just like on Thunder last week with Stevie Ray and Saturn, Meng and Tank Abbott have an extended brawl through the arena. The Revolution is terrible. Also, they’re in the ring right now. I remind you once more, dear reader, that Saturn was over like rover after that Raven feud ended with their excellent Fall Brawl ’98 match. Then, he got over again by wearing a dress after doing nothing for a few months after that Fall Brawl match. I’m also baffled why he’s doing a slowpoke gimmick in the middle of a wider anti-American gimmick. Malenko tells Saturn that they have heat tonight, and Saturn blows off what “the boys in the back” are saying about them, but Malenko clarifies that he means that they have to wrestle Harlem Heat. Speaking of guys who are being bafflingly misused, here’s Booker T.! The lights go out when he and Stevie get to the ring, and I’m confused. OK, so Midnight shows up when the lights are back on, but Saturn is also pummeling Malenko. Was the idea that Saturn tried to attack in advance, but was too confused to tell that he was attacking Malenko? This is now a trios tag, I think, including Midnight and Asya. Or maybe it always was a trios tag. I don’t know. Stevie signals that he’s going to tag in Midnight, but Booker takes the tag instead. Oh great, more Harlem Heat discord! I love it! That hasn’t gotten old yet! Booker ends up as FIP, and I can say one thing: At least the babyfaces got some shine in this match. Booker uses a Book End as a transitional move to get a hot tag and end this truncated FIP segment. Book does get hung up on the ropes, but Saturn whiffs on a springboard forearm and takes out Asya. Shane Douglas, who was over on commentary, gets off commentary and tries to intercede, but he gets forearmed to the floor. Midnight leapfrogs Malenko, sells a knee injury on the landing, and Stevie gets rolled up by Malenko for three. Stevie is upset. *sigh*, let’s just do this fucking Harlem Heat feud. Again. Mike Tenay tries to interview TTP and David Flair, but Dave’s not very responsive and Package is more worried about getting an injunction against Liz managing Sting. Roddy Piper storms in after Package leaves, swinging a chair and yelling that he plans to get revenge on TPtB at some point tonight. Rhonda Singh runs down Clarence Mason (I know that won’t be his name in WCW, but I’ll go with that until we find out what his name actually is). She begs Mason to be her agent, but he declines. Chavo, who hears Singh claim that she can dance and is worthy of being represented by Mason, jumps in and tries to sell an interested Singh some dance outfits. Meng and Tank Abbott continue to brawl backstage. Hey, Paul Orndorff! I just remembered that Orndorff tried another comeback, got a stinger, and retired. Orndorff is greeted by Mike Graham and relays that TPtB have called him in from his position at the WCW Power Plant for reasons that he can’t fathom. The three heel Nitro Girls do a dance routine. Rhonda Singh jumps in on their routine in the dance outfit that she bought from Chavo and spoils the whole deal. Fit Finlay stands outside in that rural area which has apparently moved to New Orleans from Milwaukee and makes Knobbs do sit ups in a creek. Norman Smiley sports a Ricky Williams Saints jersey and a Saints helmet. He wanders into the BLOCK and gets his ass kicked. Meanwhile, Tank Abbott and Meng are still brawling, and they brawl into the BLOCK. Abbott and Flynn and Meng and Smiley pair off and go at one another and uh, the segment just ends? Vince Russo tells Paul Orndorff that he heard that Orndorff trained Midnight. Russo is apparently mad that Orndorff treated her kindly and fairly during her training, and probably even barely tossed racial slurs her way in the bargain. Anyway, because Midnight has turned out to be a pain in TPTB's ass, Russo fires Orndorff. Russo tells Orndorff to take his “Howie Long haircut” outta there, and Orndorff tells Russo to kiss his ass. Russo responds to that insult by booking Orndorff in a handicap match against Creative Control. Sid Vicious works out with a young man with Down Syndrome in the back; this young man named Seth is Sid’s ringside coach for tonight and shows supreme confidence that “[his] boy” Sid Vicious will kick the shit out of Dr. Death. YEAHHHHHH, Seth gets a front row seat for a chokeslam and hopefully a powerbomb, too. Dr. Death is out here with shitty-ass Oklahoma. Maybe we can get a powerbomb on Oklahoma for Seth, too. Anyway, Oklahoma craps on Saints coach Mike Ditka and then declares that this match has been made into a powerbomb-vs.-suplex match. Dr. Death jumps Sid while Sid escorts Seth to his seat at ringside. BOOOOOO, DR. DEATH, BOOOOOO. Oklahoma does his crappy Jim Ross impression on commentary while Williams tries and fails to hit a backdrop driver on Sid. Oklahoma gets up and slides his cowboy boot to Dr. Death, who clocks Sid with it. Vampiro runs out and chases Oklahoma around and then into the ring, where Dr. Death clocks him. Sid takes advantage of the distraction to try a powerbomb, and though Dr. Death gets away once, Sid big boots him and tries again, and that attempt is successful and ends the match. Sid follows up with a chokeslam on Oklahoma. The Outsiders run in, and the numbers game gets to Sid as the crowd begs for GOLDBERG. Alas, they get Nash landing a Jackknife on Sid. After the break, Sid sells a concussion and a neck injury backstage as medics check on him. Mike Tenay chastises the Outsiders for their attack on Sid, but they’re not particularly remorseful; in fact, they’re looking forward to defeating Bret Hart and Goldberg later tonight. The Total Package comes to the ring to tag with that nutty David Flair. Commentary hasn’t quite put together where that headless teddy bear Flair is hugging might have come from, which makes sense – it was a blip in a Nitro Party video that, in the context of these very busy shows, would be easy to forget a week later. Flair walks into the ring with his crowbar and his headless bear while Package poses and suspiciously eyes the dopey little guy. Diamond Dallas Page comes onto the ramp, and the way they switch camera angles, I almost suspect that Sting will jump him from the side. Page doesn’t get jumped, though. He makes it to the ring safely, with Sting eventually getting to the ring himself a couple of minutes later. Sting dominates Page even though they’re tag partners. Meanwhile, Package tosses Flair’s teddy away and jumps Sting, then grabs Flair’s crowbar while Flair scrambles for the bear in the crowd. TTP clobbers sting with it; Package tries to land another crowbar shot on Sting, but Liz runs down takes it away; then, she shields Sting with her body while Package tries to land a chair shot. Flair, miffed that Package tossed his bear away, sneaks back into the ring and hits Package in the lower lumbar with the discarded crowbar. Liz assesses the situation, then places Sting’s arm on top of Package’s body; the ref counts the three. Nonsense, busy nonsense…but entertaining busy nonsense, I have to say. If the whole show wasn’t just finishes like these, I actually would have liked that particular busy finish a lot more than I already did. Meng walks the halls, looking to re-engage with Screamin’ Norman Smiley, who is presumably hiding from him somewhere backstage. Chris “Champagne” Kanyon (w/ladies, Clarence Mason) thinks that his participating in the Ready to Rumble shoot has made him a bonafide movie star. Ah, I see, Mason is Kanyon’s Hollywood agent. Anyway, first Rhonda Singh clatters into the interview that Okerlund is holding with Kanyon to pitch her dance routine to Mason. She is very bad at delivering dialogue, even by WCW’s standards. Mason: “Who are you? Security! Get this woman out of here! Get this mad, crazed woman out of here!” Next, Bam Bam runs up, all excited to see his old Jersey Triad friend. When Mason cuts him off because he gets too close to the talent, Bammer turns on Mason and is jumped by Kanyon. Man, Kanyon used to be cool, but the money and stardom really changed him. Also, Mason’s WCW name is Biggs, I think. That’s what I’ll use for him going forward. After the break, Bammer storms to the ring upset that Kanyon did him like that. He calls out CCK (as Kanyon likes to be called) for a match, and CCK (w/Biggs and ladies) responds. Maybe this a take that no one ever makes because no one cares about Mason/Biggs, but I think Biggs is actually a fun little personality and a solid talker. I suppose if he actually defends cases in court in his day job as a legit attorney, he needs to have some good talking ability and solid charisma. Biggs gets a mic and prepares to set a few legal ground rules for this fight, but Bam Bam doesn’t have a lawyer on retainer and would rather throw punches than negotiate guidelines. Bammer dominates to start. He continues dominating, actually. He really kicks the shit out of Kanyon. Unfortunately, he slows down after the first minute or so and his shitkicking gets sort of boring. Well, at least until the point where Bam Bam drops a flying headbutt to Kanyon’s dick. I feel like that should get three, but Bigelow is distracted by Biggs getting on the apron, and Kanyon hits one entire-ass offensive move, a Flatliner, that gets three when Bigelow turns back to him. Wait, hold on, it’s not a Flatliner anymore. CCK wants it to be known as That’s a Wrap. Meng tracks Norman Smiley through the halls. Smiley is wise enough to drop pieces of his football uniform on the ground, breadcrumbing Meng down a long hall and away from the pillar that Norm’s hiding behind. Heh, that was pretty good. The Mamalukes make their first appearance on this show about ninety minutes in less commercials, which is a big part of the reason that I think I’ve had a better outlook on this show’s quality. Vito and the Bull plan to stuff Disco in a bodybag and dump it in a nearby river. Roddy Piper rants about how much he dislikes Curt Hennig and TPtB, then I guess challenges Hennig to a chair match? I think they’re wrestling one tonight? It seems like tonight, according to Tony S. Disco Inferno and Lash LeRoux are is wrestling as a tag team a singles match against the Mamalukes Big Vito in what is apparently a Body Bag Match as well as a tag team match. LeRoux is allowed to speak before the match because he’s in Louisiana, so the crowd is partisan and makes him come off like he might be more broadly popular. They even chant along with Lash when he speaks French Cajun. Smart move to let him talk in front of a crowd that is rooting for him. So, Vito and the Bull are not good at pro wrestling. I get it, the Bull crotches himself at high speed on a guardrail at some point, if I recall correctly, and tears his urethra. The dopey pro wrestler taking a super-dumb bump that isn’t on his head and neck is sort of novel, right? But these dudes STINK. Look, at this point in time, Elix Skipper, Kid Romeo, Mike Sanders, Sonny Siaki, and half the dudes in the future Natural Born Thrillers are getting in time on WCWSN. I’d rather watch any of those guys on Nitro than the fucking Mamalukes. This match is complete ass; I guess it is a singles match since Vito and Lash are the only guys to wrestle, so let me just fast forward to our finish. After some shitty control work from Vito – I don’t blame LeRoux for this part of things – Disco takes a chair and hammers the Bull with it, then hits Vito with it on a Vito rope run. The timing on this finish is WILDLY off. First, Lash forgets that to win the match, he’s got to put Vito in a body bag, so he covers Vito after the chair shot, and Vito has to kick out at one – the ref also forgot that this was a Body Bag Match – to avoid the dreaded WCW Special Finish (definition: the way the match ends is at odds with either the stipulation or the legal participants in the match). I give Vito credit for averting this even if he basically had to no-sell the chair shot to do it, but then he had to pretend to be hurt enough to lay there and get zipped into a body bag with no resistance even though he just kicked out at one. But, as Chavo might say if he were trying to sell someone backstage a set of knives, THAT’S NOT ALL! LeRoux also struggles to zip this bag up, so the Bull eventually has to pop up after selling the chair shot for fifty years and just club Disco in the back like he was probably supposed to do thirty, forty-five, maybe sixty seconds earlier. The ref sees this, and also sees the Bull entering the ring for the spot he’s very late to do at this point, and he calls the match for Lash even though Vito’s head and part of his torso are still sticking out of the bag because the Bull’s got to come in and club Lash from behind at some point, and they don’t have all damn night. The Mamalukes stomp out Lash and pop him with a chain, then bag his body and carry him out, presumably to dump him in the river. That was such badly timed and executed television that it can go nowhere else but on the Absolute Dirt Worst list. Truly an awful match in every fashion. After a break, we see the Mamalukes dump the bag and split off to find their car. They don’t recall where they parked it, you see. As soon as they're gone, Lash busts out of this poorly-zipped body bag. Paul Orndorff has his first Nitro match since (I believe) Show #15, when he defeated Disco Inferno. We hadn’t even made it to 1996 yet the last time Orndorff wrestled on this show. It’s a much different Nitro here in late 1999, four years and one Eric Bischoff firing later. Orndorff trying to come back in 1999 seems ill-considered even without knowing that he hurts his neck soon after. Orndorff dominates Creative Control for a while and even hits his Wonderful Elbow on Ga/oP. Then he lands one on Pa/oG. He even brought a rope to choke dudes with, as is standard for this devious old veteran. CC turns it around and chokes Orndorff with the rope, but Larry Z. and Arn Anderson come down and help Orndorff out by kicking the shit out of CC; Orndorff drills one of them with a piledriver and gets three. I assume that these three men might be helping Hacksaw Duggan in his quest to defeat the Revolution? Or maybe they’ll hire some other vets. Anyway, Slick Johnson is a heel ref again, so he runs out and overturns the decision. Hall wants to hit a strip club after the Outsiders win the tag titles, but Nash claims not to have any cash on him. Hall, accusatorily: “You never have any cash on you.” The Mamalukes come back to grab the body bag and check to see that Lash is still in it; he’s not, but Norm Smiley is, as he needed a more secure hiding place from Meng. Here’s this Piper/Hennig chair match. There’s been way too much Curt Hennig on this show, and in general, I’m just done with the guy. I’ve truly hated this WCW run. I talk all the time about wrestlers who have gone up in my estimation during this watch-through. Hennig is one of the guys who has gone way down in my estimation. So has Piper, obviously. They clash chairs before Piper goes low and swings high. Hennig gets knocked loopy as he bumps over the top rope, stumbles to his feet at around six, and walks away from the match. That’s it. It took under a minute, maybe. Tenay and Goldberg hover near the Hitman’s dressing room; the Hitman has been attacked! Or not so much, but you'd never guess that because no one is seeing this obvious heel turn coming. Hart fakes a concussion that presumably was given him by the Outsiders, for which Sid eating a concussion from the Outsiders has come in handy as a bit of extra cover. Aw man, the Hitman is out here faking concussions before getting a career-ending one on Sunday. This is some cosmic bullshit, ain’t it? Well, it looks like Goldberg might be about to lose match number three (not counting any losses in multi-man matches where he wasn’t pinned or submitted) tonight. In the back, Goldberg yells BRET, LET’S GO, then impatiently takes both tag titles and mutters, “I’ll handle this myself.” Uh, he’s the babyface, right? I mean, even though Bret is faking, he doesn’t know that. What a dick! I liked it better when he was polite to that doofus Jerry Flynn. Goldberg comes out here himself, and yeah, that superkick Goldberg hits looks stiff as hell. He hits Nash with one that looks sick. Goldberg dismantles Hall, gets two on a pumphandle slam, then goes back to forearming Hall until Hall falls backward and is able to finagle a tag. He pretty much dominates Nash, too, before a distraction from Hall causes him to turn around into a big boot. Goldberg plays FIP for a bit as he’s regularly doubled up on by the Outsiders. The Hitman charges out here to try and, uh, “help” Goldberg. Hart jumps in the ring and beats up both Outsides, then tries to put a Sharpshooter on Nash. He turns Nash over, but Hall clubs him almost immediately. Goldberg gets up and beats up hall as Bret stops Nash from landing a weapon shot on either him or Goldberg. Goldberg drills Hall with a spear, but Hart suddenly falls over “hurt” on that ankle that Luger worked over two months ago and that Hart is still selling lingering effects of. Nash covers Hart while Goldberg lifts Hall for a Jackhammer, and the ref counts the three and awards the tag titles to the Outsiders. We just saw Kanyon do this exact sort of spot before turning heel a few months back, so it's the first thing anyone who has been watching 1999 WCW regularly should think of after seeing this finish. WHYYYYYYYYY are Russo and Ferrara going to turn Bret heel a third time? And the crowd wants him to be a face! How do you turn a guy heel who was on the wrong end of the Montreal Screwjob and then the guy who did him dirty in that incident killed his brother through negligence eighteen months later? No one wants to boo Bret! Stop turning him heel! I hate it! Stop it! This show stunk, but it was way more watchable than the previous Nitro. -7 out of 5 Stinger Splashes.

I have more trepidation for watching Daffney in WCW than I did Benoit. I feel it will be tough to see her take head shots and dangerous bumps in the hardcore division knowing that the long-term chronic pain she attributed to those shots and bumps caused her to take her own life. How I'll extricate from that the joy I get from watching her be a fun all-around personality, we'll see.

Thunder Interlude – show number ninety – 9 December 1999 "The WCW Gang welcomes Juventud Guerrera to color commentary; Juvi on commentary provides us with the good (shitting on Shane Douglas's mic skills and asking about how The Total Package got all those muscles), the bad (his Wish.com Rock impression), and the ugly (using a homophobic slur to describe TAFKAPI)" We’re creeping up on a hundred Thunder episodes…Around the close of the Russo-Ferrara Era or so, we should get there… Tenay says that TPtB is determined to Make Thunder Special Again…I sort of want to get that printed on a blue cap (to match Thunder’s color scheme, of course) in late WCW-era lettering and wear it around…I’m a proud MTSA supporter, but I wonder: Was Thunder ever that special to begin with?... The Outsiders tease discord with one another as Hall makes a sulky Nash help him carry a ladder to the ring for their opening promo…Hall shouts out Chris Benoit for his wrestling skills, and Benoit gets slightly booed…A kid yells BENOIT SUUUUUUUCKS…People love the hell out of Scott Hall, let me tell you…Hall gives props to Benoit, but says that he’s better than Benoit in regular matches, much less ladder matches…He says that Benoit needs to go check out those WWF’s Greatest Matches tapes at Blockbuster…His ladder matches against Shawn Michaels apparently earned him enough money to buy his first house… Nash takes the mic and is annoyed at the dudes in the back with chips on their shoulders…He says that Sid must think this is a video game if he’s out here calling himself the “Master of the Powerbomb”…Nash thinks he’s a much badder man than Sid…This gets a mixed reception and some silence, as the fans like both of these dudes…Nash turns Sid’s threat from last week against Sid and threatens to powerbomb him straight to hell… Now Sid comes out and, aw man, talks about Nash holding him down with political games…No one wants to hear Sid talking about office politics…We want to hear him talk about kicking the shit out of a dude in a whisper, then shouts…And then maybe top it off with a crazed cackle…Russo and Ferrara have gone over the top with the shoot-bang shit in this promo…Now Nash responds to Sid’s declaration of powerbomb supremacy by asking him why he’s so sure he’ll win…“Is Vader booked?”…Because, you see, Sid was booked to win a similar type of match against Vader back in 1996 WWF…Whoa, it’s a reference to match that I know about!...Mindblowing!...Nash referenced something from another company to talk about a guy’s push!...What a clever thing to do!... Sid thinks Nash’s response is some cornball shit (which it is), and attacks Nash…He wins their punch battle, then shoves the ladder over with Hall still on it…Sid prepares to powerbomb Nash, but Hall recovers and hits Sid with the ladder…Nash prepares to Jackknife Sid into the ladder, but Dustin Rhodes runs down for the save…Jarrett is out fifteen seconds after and KABONGs Rhodes…Chris Benoit comes down and attempts a save, but gets his whip into the ladder reversed…The heels stand tall…Well, I can take a wild guess at what tonight’s main event might be… Mike Tenay is alone at the desk…Oh no, are they going to send Oklahoma out here to replace Larry Z. for the night?...Matches: Bret Hart and Goldberg vs. Creative Control for the tag titles (?!?!)…Evan Karagias vs. Rhonda Singh for the cruiser title (?!?!?!)…I actually thought it’d be Mona getting the shot and started to type her name in before Tenay finished his sentence…Madusa comes down the ramp, yapping immediately about Singh not hitting the 220-pound limit for the division…Probably, but Disco’s over 220, and they let him be champ, so my point is that caring about the cruiser division is over and DONE, sis…Madusa says it’ll happen over her dead body, then tries to be sexy…She fails, IMO… Other matches: Diamond Dallas Page vs. Sting; The Total Package vs. Buff Bagwell; TAFKAPI’s debut…And yes, Sharmell becomes Paisley, which I’ll use as her name going forward since it makes sense in reference to the gimmick that she’ll be a part of… Juventud Guerrera, arm in a sling, comes to the ring with Psicosis and does the Rock’s shtick…Yuck…Why would you do something like this?...It makes you look fiftieth rate...Juvi joins commentary…Juvi continues dropping Rock catchphrases because the Rock made him get in his feelings while randomly name-dropping him in a promo on RAW three months ago…Tenay: “That’s original…is this a rib?!”…But Juvi does make me laugh by saying, “I’m the new play-by-play announcer” and then cackling like a goof… Nitro recap: This show was a steaming pile of shit...More specifically, it was the steaming pile of shit on the glass table that Jimmy Valiant was laying under as he pleasured himself… Sid, Chris Benoit, and Dustin Rhodes are looking for TPtB to get a trios tag match made… The Revolution comes to the ring and Shane Douglas cuts a mediocre promo while challenging Jim Duggan to a fight…Weirdly, “jabroni” is dashed out on the auto caption…Not the C-bomb, though!... Juvi is starts out terribly on commentary, no selling Tenay’s questions and talking over or under the guy…But as he starts to get comfortable, he drops a few gems…In this case, he gets warmed up as Shane Douglas, cutting this bland promo in which he challenges Duggan and three friends to a Starrcade eight-person tag in which the loser has to be janitors for thirty days, yells SHUT UP at the crowd even though they don’t care…Juvi giggles and says, “The people [are] already quiet”…Yes they are, Juvi…Yes they are…Juvi’s out here exposing this fraud midcard chump on commentary, and it’s hilarious…Douglas says some boilerplate heel shit, and Juvi mockingly BOOOOOOOOOs before scoffing and asking, “What else do you have, you’re killing me”…The man is not wrong about Douglas being a net-negative on the mic!... Oh, also, a correction: Only the Revolution have to be janitors if they lose…If Duggan and his guys lose, Duggan has to renounce his American citizenship…Douglas shows his watch to the camera and says it’s worth more than anyone in the crowd makes in a year…Juvi, talking under Douglas: “He [bought] that watch in a subway”…HAHAHAHAHA…OK, Juvi should be on commentary specifically for Shane Douglas segments…Fucking hilarious…He roasted that dude…Malenko hates Penzer for some reason…Saturn gets the “united we stand, divided we fall” saying backwards…Juvi, about Saturn's mixing up of the saying: “That’s pretty good for him”…Holy shit, Juvi's cracking on Saturn’s mic skills now... Booker T. (w/Stevie Ray) comes to the ring…Juvi: “I like that guy”…Me too, Juvi…Me too…Douglas and Juvi are now BOTH on commentary while Booker and Malenko have a match…Booker is over…Do something with him…Booker misses a Houston Side Kick, crotches himself, and gets clocked by Douglas in the back of the head with Douglas’s cast…Malenko locks on a Texas Cloverleaf and gets a KO victory…So much for doing something with Booker…Fucking Russo, that moron…Duggan runs down after the match…Juvi is a fan…I’m kind of turning around on Juvi’s commentary…Juventud yells HOOOOOOOO and then asserts how much he likes Hacksaw, then yells HOOOOOOOOO some more…Juventud basically MS3TK’ing this show is kind of entertaining, which I didn’t expect… Dustin Rhodes, Sid, and Chris Benoit kick the hell out of Creative Control and Shane outside of TPtB’s office…Hennig and Russo talk about Russo's boys getting washed out there from the safety of the office…Russo wonders why Hennig’s not out there with them…Hennig’s too busy supervising the ass kicking his guys are taking… Sid, directly to Russo after the light work he took care of outside the office: WE WANT A MATCH WITH THE OUTSIDERS AND JARRETT OR I’LL REACH IN AND TEAR YOUR THROAT OUT…Yeah, that’s more like the Sid talk I’d expect and hope for… So, it’s okay to have this “Purple Rain” knockoff theme un-dubbed, but we can’t give a few pennies to Jimmy Hart and Howard Helm for all their knockoffs?...Of which I assume this is one?...If this knockoff is okay, tell me how the Cat’s James Brown knockoff isn’t?...Juvi: “THAT’S Prince Iaukea?! *hoots* That’s a great gimmick for the worst wrestler in the company!”…Hold on, I think the guy is a solid worker…He’s not, like, Adrian Byrd or Buzz Stern or Luther Biggs, y’know?...Juvi undoes all of the funny work he’s been doing recently by calling TAFKAPI a gay slur…It’s wild that he just casually dropped that word on commentary…Tenay, floored, is silent for a couple of beats before moving on…Juvi bitches about Vampiro copying his Juvi Driver as Vamp walks down to the ring with Jerry Only…Oklahoma stomps out here next…Tenay wants Juvi to stop talking about "the juice" on top of maybe cooling it on the homophobic slurs…Oklahoma joins color… This show is a complete disaster, if you couldn’t tell from this review…Oklahoma, Jerry Only, and Juvi all talk over each other on commentary while TAFKAPI does a terrible Prince impression…Of course, then he takes a WILD corner bump to the outside, bashes himself off the stairs, and rolls into the guardrail…We cut away to see Roddy Piper showing up at the arena…Oklahoma tries to hit on Paisley…He propositions her, and she slaps him…Vampiro lands on his feet out of a TAFKAPI monkey flip and lands a superkick for three…TAFKAPI attacks Oklahoma for macking on Paisley after the match…Dr. Death runs up on TAFKAPI and lands a backdrop driver…Oklahoma stomps TAFKAPI while Dr. Death applauds… Russo fires Mona while Shane tries to hit on her…Rhonda Singh walks in and takes her place and Shane is bummed…Singh offers a secondary plan just in case she doesn’t win to juice the ratings…She whispers it to Russo, who recoils…Whatever, I don’t care…Wait, I do care about the fact that WCW couldn’t find anything cool for Mona to do (I believe she’s released in 2000 at some point)…She can work and she’s incredibly physically attractive…Those are literally all you need to have as attributes to do well in the pro wrestling business regardless of gender!...Talking well is optional if you have those two traits, no matter what people might otherwise claim… Piper and Nick Patrick yammer on about how ref decisions are final according to a Russo memo…Piper encourages Patrick to use his newfound power to annoy TPtB, then thinks about how he might do that as well… So, I guess that Stevie Ray and Saturn brawled their way backstage during the Malenko/Booker match at some point because they’re apparently "still" (according to Tenay) brawling backstage… The Hitman and Goldberg talk about their tag title shot against Creative Control…Of course we need to get the tag belts on two feuding opponents…This is a Russo special…And if I’m wrong, and if CC somehow walk away with the belts, that would be a true swerve… Juvi is excited to see, and I quote directly: “The Excellence of the Execution and The Excellence of…uh…of the Killing Machine”…I’m going to start calling Goldberg “The Excellence of the Killing Machine” now…That’s a tremendous nickname for the guy… Evan Karagias (w/Madusa) faces Rhonda Singh…No wait, Singh faces Madusa…What the heck; I thought this was a title match?...Either I was mistaken or Tenay was...Karagias joins commentary, to Juvi’s consternation…Juvi and Karagias squawk at each other over who is the better cruiserweight before Karagias gets on the apron and watches Madusa hit a trio of missile dropkicks…Madusa makes out with Karagias, dodges a Singh charge that knocks Karagias off the apron, then rolls up Singh as Juvi cackles…Singh goes to plan be and stripteases in the ring while Juvi cheers…The lights go out before Singh can get more than her gloves off…She’s jumped by someone while the lights are off, and she’s out when they come back on… Gene Okerlund tries to hold a conversation with David Flair…Oklerund asks about Flair clanging Flynn with his crowbar on Nitro and then asks for a few words from Flair about his upcoming BLOCK match with Flynn tonight…Flair goes nutty and destroys stuff with his crowbar… Roddy Piper talks to himself about Russo’s ref memo…Who is nuttier and more incoherent, Piper or Dopey Dave?... Stevie Ray and Saturn are still fighting…Remember, there’s no security because they walked off the job at the end of Nitro… David Flair enters the BLOCK…Dave misses Flynn walking past him and is about to get jumped when Buzzkill tries to stop them from fighting…Flynn then finishes jumping Flair, who gets his crowbar knocked away and then quickly choked out…Tank Abbott jumps Flynn from behind, KO’s him with a punch, and says this type of fighting is HIS WORLD in the flattest voice possible…I appreciate Tank, as shitty as he is at everything pro wrestling, because he indirectly got Russo fired after Russo suggested putting the big gold belt on him…That’s the one bit of usefulness that chump has ever had… Creative Control seems to have paid off Slick Johnson, who walks with them and acts like quite the agreeable referee!...Goldberg gets his security contingent, despite security not really bothering to do anything else on this show… Creative Control defend the WCW World Tag Team Championships against Bret Hart and Goldberg next up…Bret and Goldberg take about two minutes to polish off CC and win the belts…Once again, this match has NO shine segment and goes straight to Bret in FIP for a few seconds before he makes a comeback despite Slick Johnson’s quick count attempts…Piper comes down after Slick tries to cheat for the heels, takes out the crooked ref, and counts the three/calls the submission for a stereo Sharpshooter/Jackhammer on the CC members…Bret wishes his tag champion partner and world title opponent good luck in their upcoming Starrcade bout after the match… Russo demands that Hennig bring Piper in, and Hennig gets Shane to do it for him instead… Stevie beats on Saturn right past a merch table and through the crowd as Juvi steals the Rock's catchphrases some more…They end up in the ring, and I guess this is a match now…Creative Control run back out and jump Stevie, helping Saturn get the win…Booker runs out for the post-match save… YA KNOW, PIPA, lectures Russo to Piper backstage, as he laments Piper counting the three in the tag title match…Russo cracks his knuckles to signal La Parka, but Piper cuts Parka off before Parka can swing his chair…He makes Parka SIT LIKE A DOG in the chair and then slaps him…I can’t wait until Parka can get out of this company and go be a star in Mexico…Russo wonders if Piper is on drugs before saying that he’ll run Piper out of pro wrestling if the latter ever does anything like he did in tonight's tag title match again…Piper leaves something on Russo’s desk in supposed friendship, but maybe I missed something…That’s easy to do with this show… Sting and Liz stand in the back…Sting yells at Okerlund about Diamond Dallas Trash and The Total Trashy Package and such…Sting’s a really bad mic guy in the late ‘90s, isn’t he?...I get his Surfer Sting stuff…It fits the times…I get his wry veteran act in TNA…But late ‘90s WCW Sting…Woof… The Total Package is on his way to the ring…Juvi: “The Total Package, he looks good, but, mmmm, I wanna—I wanna see some JUICE”…Are you sure you’re looking closely enough at The Total Package, Juvi?...Hahaha, this dude Juvi says this when TTP unveils: “Is that genetic? Nah, that’s THE JUICE”…You know if Luger heard that shit and confronted him, he was copping pleas and saying that English wasn’t his first language… Diamond Dallas Page joins commentary as Buff Bagwell gets in the ring and prepares to hook it up with TTP…Um, is Buff still feuding with Russo and Ferrara, or what?...Juvi, about a silent DDP: “I think he’s mad; I think he’s angry”…DDP: “Hey. Shut the hell up”…Juvi: “OK. *quietly* See, he’s mad”… Fucking Juvi. When he stops trying to get his Dollar Tree Rock act over, he’s actually pretty funny a lot of the time…For some reason, Buff and Page end up brawling a minute into this thing during an obligabrawl…Did they have beef at some point?...Package holds back Page and we get a wide shot for some reason…That’s it, the match just ends after a couple of minutes...I’m baffled by this Buff/Page thing…Maybe it’ll get an explanation on Nitro… Russo admonishes Duggan for trying to wrestle again when there are toilets to be cleaned, but Duggan wants to stand up for WWE America…Russo clears the room of his cronies to talk one-on-one to Hacksaw…Russo says that Americans can’t possibly care about Duggan because they don’t buy tickets to see him or buy his merch anymore…Russo: “This country stands up for three things: me, myself, and I”…Sometimes even the heels have a good point…Duggan has faith in America and Americans, and Russo sends him out there to fail because he thinks otherwise… Asya (w/The Revolution) faces Jim Duggan in a match…Juvi and the crowd both love Hacksaw…The ref sends the rest of the Revolution away from ringside, but Russo’s cronies run in and attack Hacksaw…It’s a four-on-one beatdown…The Revolution come back out with their flag and a bunch of hot dogs and apple pie… They jam Duggan’s janitorial suit with hot dog buns and squirt mustard on him while Saturn eats the apple pie…Who booked this crap?...Harlem Heat run down for the extremely late save… Gene Okerlund interviews Syko Sid, Chris Benoit, and Dustin Rhodes before their trios match with the Outsiders and Jeff Jarrett…They threaten their opponents…Sid > Rhodes > Benoit in terms of speaking in this promo segment… DDP turns right back around and makes his way out to face Sting (w/Ms. Elizabeth)…There are fewer than nine minutes left in this Thunder when Sting hooks up with Page…Sting dominates and locks on a Scorpion Deathlock, but Page gets the ropes…Page and Sting slug it out and then, maybe a minute in if I’m being generous, Page takes out the ref…TTP runs down and clobbers Sting with a bat…Page makes to check on Sting, but hits him with a back elbow and a Diamond Cutter instead, then pins him for three even though the bell rang wildly for a no contest when Package ran in… This trios tag is booked for just under five minutes after entrances…What, that long?...They rush through the shine to get to the FIP segment…It really irritates me that babyfaces don’t get much shine, if at all, in tag matches during the RFE…Part of the fun of a tag match is getting hyped as the babyfaces dominate early and tricking yourself into thinking that they’re going to coast to victory even though you know they’re not because of the obvious structure of American tag matches…Anyway, Dustin gets a hot tag three minutes in and the finish is chaotic…Nash wins it with a pinfall on Sid after Jarrett KABONGs the latter… The thing about this show is that it was an entire car wreck, like most RFE shows…Matches are extremely short and don’t really matter…The humor is often puerile at best and slur-or-stereotype-based “humor” at worst…There are a lot of annoying personalities on this show…I’ve thought a lot about why Russo and Ferrara shows are typically scoring so much worse than the worst Bischoff-overseen shows even though I also think Russo and Ferrara shows, as low in quality as they are, are far more watchable than the lowest-quality Bischoff ones…Especially the Nash-booked shows under Bischoff…I’d rather watch Russo shows than those, I think, maybe… The big reason that Bischoff-era shows score better is basically a much greater volume of quality matches…For example, SuperBrawl IX was a mediocre show that culminated a bunch of poorly-booked feuds and came off the back of a bunch of bad Nitros, including Show #179, which featured Ric Flair getting destroyed, left in a field, and driven back to the show by a rando to get destroyed some more…And that show still placed four matches on my Good Matches list… So, are terrible Bischoff-overseen shows (we’re talking mostly post BatB ’98 here) scoring better than Russo-overseen shows?...Yes, BUT…It’s only because the former put on good, if often aimless wrestling matches…I love good wrestling matches, but in an episodic show, they end up being empty calories of sorts…Russo shows move way too quickly and are filled with nonsense, but I can’t say they’re boring…Irritating, sure…Nonsensical, yeah…Illogical, of course!...But they do hold my attention better than, say, Bischoff doing an awful, ten/fifteen-minute-long Tonight Show bit week after week…Still, this Thunder holding my attention ended up being bad for its grade…All that attention I put on it revealed the depths of its sucktitude more than if I glazed my eyes over for a neglected Thunder with two good TV matches on it in the Bisch Era…OWWWWWWW…

Mongo's chihuahua was only the second-most over animal in the company with that name during the Nitro Era, funny enough.

Show #217 – 6 December 1999 “The one that demonstrates the unique challenges of doing comedy on a pro wrestling program and delineates key differences in the broad skillsets of the WWF and WCW rosters in 1999” Gene Okerlund is in the ring for what might be the first time in the RFE to interview the CHO CHO CHOSEN ONE Jeff Jarrett. What I hate about this dub is that it’s almost all twangy guitar, and the “Cowboy” knockoff, like most Kid Rock music from that era, liberally borrows from hip-hop. Also, why was Kid Rock called that when he is the progenitor of this awful-sounding modern country music that’s done with hip-hop production for the backing track? I digress. Jarrett conducts his own interview, drops the worst catchphrase of the Nitro Era, and complains about Dustin Rhodes screwing him out of the WCW World Championship while Milwaukee actually starts an asshole chant and Okerlund chuckles at their choice of profanity. Jarrett is annoyed enough to challenge Dustin to a Bunkhouse Match (that Dustin’s “old fat daddy” invented) at Starrcade. Huh. Wait, hold on, I vaguely remember Jarrett fighting legends around this time. Doesn’t Ricky Steamboat show up at some point? And I guess this tracks with Terry Funk coming in. I’m interested in some old WCW/JCP faces wrestling Jeff Jarrett, honestly. Bring it on. Jarrett says that in the meantime, he’s ready challenge the big stars like Bret Hart, Goldberg, or…Mike Tenay. Jarrett crows about bashing Tenay with his guitar and threatens to do it to Okerlund. This brings Tenay out to say that since TPtB is doing nothing about what Jarrett did to him, he’s going to bring matters into his own hands. Jarrett faux apologizes to avoid a lawsuit, but after he makes to leave, he comes back and knocks Tenay down, then puts him in a Figure Four until Goldberg runs down for the save. So Tenay is going to track down Dustin, use that connection to get in touch with Dusty, and get Dusty and his friends to come after Jarrett? Again, I’m actually interested in that. Tonight’s featured bouts: Kevin Nash vs. Chris Benoit; Scott Hall vs. Sting; Diamond Dallas Page vs. Sid; and Creative Control against Roddy Piper in an I Quit Match that Piper will also be assigned the ref for. OK, this sounded great until the last match. I note that this is what typically happens when Schiavone or Tenay lists the matches for the night. The first two or three sound really interesting, and then by the end, we’re getting stuff like Madusa vs. Evan Karagias in a Sex Toy on a Pole match or whatever. Tony Marinara and his mobster doofus buddies are already triggering the EWR-style “You overused these talents on the show” pop-up in my brain. We get a review of Finlay cutting Brian Knobbs’s hair before, what the fuck, we have Knobbs walking through a wooded area somewhere outside Milwaukee. Oh, no. OK, so last week, Knobbs called himself a “hardcore soldier,” but I didn’t think enough of the phrase to make note of it; I thought it was just more of Knobbs’s babbling. I didn’t even think enough of Finlay saying to the corner camera, after he’d cut Knobbs’s hair, that if Knobbs wanted to be a soldier, he’d look like one. But I should have mentioned those things, apparently! Do you want to guess why? Go on, guess! Yep, Finlay has Knobbs participating in Finlay’s own personal boot camp. Finlay is an IRA man, I guess? That surprises me; I always took him for a Protestant. I don't know, maybe Finlay’s a loyalist. Actually, who the hell knows Finlay’s politics or how he feels about the Good Friday Agreement and whether or not he voted for it. The point is, he’s using what he learned dodging and/or making bombs on the streets of Belfast to whip this chump Knobbs into shape. I’m pretty sure that’s the implication, but maybe I’m wrong. Probably not, though. Norman Smiley, in a Mark Chmura Packers jersey and a cheesehead, comes to the ring and declares that Fit Finlay is lucky that he’s in a forest somewhere and not in the arena, or Fit would see what it’s really like. Smiley offers up an open challenge to anyone for his Hardcore title, and Rhonda Singh answers that challenge. Actually, WCW uses what I think is the shoot spelling of her last name, Sing. I think they’re doing that with Knobbs’s last name too (Knobs). I’ll keep using the most well-known and oft-used kayfabe spelling of her name, though, as I do with Knobbs. Singh hits Norman with various plunder while he screams and she yells C’MON, BE A MAN. I don’t think you get to define manhood, ma’am. Milwaukee pops noticeably huge for Smiley clobbering her with a trash can, which I’m not sure how to feel about. Smiley is way over working this gimmick, even if I think it’s kind of a waste of him. Singh misses a corner charge and slumps over the ropes. The crowd begs for Smiley to hit her with a Big Wiggle, but she uses a fire extinguisher to shoot foam in his eyes before he can dance. Shortly after, Singh chargers herself into a propped-up table in the corner, and Smiley covers for three. WCW should stay in the Midwest forever because they love this company there. But maybe not in Milwaukee specifically, considering that the Maestro and Symphony try to tune their piano backstage while a contingent in the crowd chants a homophobic slur. Anyway, David Flair runs up, slams the top of the piano on the Maestro, and abducts Symphony. That hanger-on Virgil got himself another damn job. He’s there wearing a suit in Russo’s office, standing next to Curt Hennig and Creative Control. I’m sort of kayfabe impressed at his ability to keep finding a group to glom onto. Russo talks to Psicosis and La Parka about Liger being given a return bout for the IWGP Junior Heayweight Championship, but Juvi being too injured to defeng the title. Russo says that whichever of the two is still standing and able to walk out of the office first will stand in for Juvi. Psicosis wins that short battle. Psicosis/Liger sounds amazing in theory, but I know it’s going to be bullshit in practice. The Total Package tries to ply Liz with champagne, but she’s not interested. Package needs her, though, as he earned a shot at the big gold against the Hitman tonight by beating Sid on Thunder. He mentions the champagne as he tries to get her to be his manager again, and Liz relents, like some kind of secretly alcoholic wine mom who just needs one more glass of champagne to get through the day, or worse, like Chris Jericho. Pizza delivery for Tony Marinara! No, actually, it’s Disco and Lash, looking threatening. Jushin Thunder Liger tries to get back his IWGP Junior Heavyweight Championship (that he never really lost as far as New Japan is concerned) by beating Psicosis. This is the second title in like three months that Psicosis never won, then defended and lost in his first defense. It’s the third title in 1999 that Psicosis lost in his first defense, whether he actually won it or not. WCW, I’ll never forgive you for what you did to this guy. Nash is just Russo with height and a much more pleasant-sounding voice. We cut away from this opening to look at Buzzkill wandering around in the crowd, handing out flowers. You know what, showrunners, you’ve made it clear that this match between two awesome workers – one a legit top-ten guy ever in the history of wrestling – doesn’t matter. Liger and Psicosis barely get going before Liger induces Psicosis to take his signature bump off the ropes rather than in the corner and La Magistrals him for three. La Parka then runs down and crowns Psicosis with his chair. Tygress, Stacy, and Fyre talk shit about Spice while playing cards; the fucking mobsters show up and are fucking annoying. They eventually try to play strip poker with these ladies. I bet you can see where this is going. Package tries to woo Liz with this line: “What’s a train without the caboose? No, no, that’s not a good—Tracy and Hepburn? Sonny and Cher! What’s a bagel without the cream cheese?” This guy is really fucking funny. Anyway, Liz is still resisting Package's overtures. The difference between me never wanting to see these damned mobsters on my screen and me being open to The Total Package getting a bunch of blipments, in fact, is purely that TTP is funny and the mobsters are not. One major issue with Russo and Ferrara’s run is that they write a lot of comedy that is mediocre-to-bad, then expect the wrestlers to pull it off for them. You can get away with that in the WWF of 1999, where there are so many guys with awesome comedic timing and quick wit that it’s almost impossible to ask them to do something funny and have it fail miserably. In WCW, though, most of these guys can barely talk, and now you’re asking them to also be clever and funny on top of that. I wonder what we think of Russo and Ferrara’s run if WCW still had Chris Jericho and Raven under their employ. Those two would have been all over these shows saving these comedy sketches and making them work. I assume Russo and Ferrara still would have failed, but we’d think of their tenure somewhat more fondly because there’d be at least two or three promos or sketches that would still get endless views on YouTube and be mythologized as among the few classic things that late-stage WCW was able to pull off. The Maestro goes ballistic backstage screaming for Symphony. Gene Okerlund is still locked on Mona’s cleavage window. After she redirects his eyes, she promises to win this next Triple Threat Match between her, Evan Karagias, and Madusa for a Cruiserweight title shot at Starrcade. Since Evan is the champ, if he wins, neither of them get a title shot. They can’t find anything better to do with Mona? Come on, man. Some dude yells YOU’RE HOT, *wolf whistle* TAKE IT OFF right near the mic as she gets in the ring. This guy is annoying, man. Evan Karagias doesn’t even participate as Madusa and Mona wrestle. Instead, he walks over and gets on commentary, which he is bad at. Mona takes over and lands a missile dropkick, so he pulls Mona away from the follow up to protect Madusa. He leans over Madusa to check on her, and she cradles him for three. Jeff Jarrett runs in and tosses Karagias out of the ring; Madusa kicks him, and he KABONGs her, then grabs a mic and challenges Goldberg to a match. Disco and Lash tie up Marinara while the latter threatens to get his dad involved. Please don’t tell me that we’re expanding the mobster presence on this show. Package has finally convinced Liz to rejoin him for his title match tonight. He uncorks the champagne, and no, actually he hasn’t convinced her. She grabs the bottle, pours its contents over his head, and storms out. The Maestro looks for Symphony and fails to see Dopey Dave silently dragging her along the hallway behind him. Okerlund talks to Vampiro and Jerry Only; Vampiro threatens Dr. Death and Oklahoma, who will face them NEXT. Oh no, Oklahoma wears a headset to the ring so he can call the match as it happens. The worst thing about Vince McMahon taking bumps is that every goofy fuccboi writer and promoter wanted to do it, too. Vampiro stole Oklahoma’s cowboy hat last week, by the way, and he wears it to the ring. Here’s the bad thing about guys who aren’t funny trying to be funny, encapsulated in one match. I’ll give Oklahoma credit for firing himself up to start the match, then running to make a tag the second that Vampiro advanced on him. That’s the only comedy spot that landed at all. Dr. Death makes the hubristic mistake of pulling Vampiro up at two, then furthers that mistake by tagging Oklahoma in to finish off Vampiro…except neither move is a mistake. SWERVE, BRO, FUCK YOUR WRESTLING TROPES. Oklahoma hits a top middle low-rope elbow for three and reclaims his hat. DUD. I don’t even like Vampiro much, and I think this is absurd booking. The Nitro Girls divert the mobsters so they can yank cards out of their clothing and cheat to win, like some sort of female card-playing Eddy Guerreros. Lash and Disco prepare to tar and feather Tony Marinara. Gene Okerlund interviews the Outsiders. Hall threatens to put Sting in the trash along with the TV title and feels good about beating Benoit in a ladder match at Starrcade, especially with Nash softening him up beforehand in their match tonight. Bret Hart defends the WCW World Heavyweight Championship against The Total Package in our next bout. The Hitman has no time for Package’s unveiling and attacks him to a pop. We go right to an obligabrawl that Bret controls. I remember, oh yeah, Package destroyed Bret's ankle five or six weeks ago, so of course the Hitman is more aggressive than normal to start. TTP reverses a whip into the rails, but gets a post shot reversed and ends up right back where he started by the time Bret dumps him in the ring. Bret targets the knee and ankle after long; Package keeps trying to beg off, and eventually has to resort to raking the Hitman’s eyes as Bret tries a backbreaker. Liz comes down almost immediately, but Sting runs down behind her and asks her if she’s going to represent “garbage or…me.” Liz picks Sting, but this is an obvious future swerve, even if it cost Package the world title in the moment. Package watches Liz leave with Sting and is summarily side Russian’d and locked in a Sharpshooter that he quickly submits to. Wait, hold on, Hennig hasn’t quite gotten Virgil Vincent Curly Bill hired yet. Russo asks Virgil Vincent Curly Bill what his new gimmick idea is. Virgil Vincent Curly Bill: “One word. SHANE.” Russo is correct to say that he’s not sure if that or “Vincent” is worse, but takes Shane on at minimum wage anyway. I will note that Russo in kayfabe thinks that “Shane” is dumb, but he and Ferrara surely shoot giggled to themselves about that re-naming when writing this show. Rhonda Singh randomly busts into the room to demand an opportunity at the end of this blipment. She got one earlier tonight, so I guess she wants another one. Russo has decided that he likes La Parka even if Park is Mexican. Russo makes Parka his official chairman and tells him that whenever he gives the signal, Parka should clobber the person he points at with a chair. Harlem Heat (whom Midnight was walking around looking for before the break), comes in next, and you know what happens. After Russo gives Harlem Heat a tag title shot at Starrcade, he gives the signal, and Parka and Creative Control jump them. Roddy Piper gets out of a limo and screams incoherent insults about Russo. David Flair scrapes his crowbar on the concrete and muffles Symphony’s terrified cries. What the fuck is up with this David Flair gimmick?! Dopey Dave screams at the voices in his head, which appear to talk to him, but don’t seem to understand very well by the looks of things. I doubt they even bother to counsel this guy. Okerlund talks to an upset Jerry Flynn. Specifically, Flynn is upset about Berlyn breaking the rules of THE BLOCK by running in on his fight with THE WALL, BROTHER last week and makes another open challenge for this week. The Revolution comes out here dressed like they bought their clothes from Che Guevara’s catalog. This is so dumb, folks. It’s so, so dumb. What is happening right now? What are Russo and Ferrara’s major malfunctions? Asya is going to face Midnight, but not before Shane Douglas absolutely sucks on the mic. He threatens the American flag. Oh no, Shane! Don’t violate the Flag Code! That would make you as dastardly a heel as Madusa! Milwaukee just loves being crude, so they start an ASSHOLE chant. They actually have a flag with their logo on it. Saturn says they’re like the Black Panthers and throws a Black Power fist up. Saturn in the Nation of Domination…now I’m into that bit of absurd fantasy booking. Midnight shows up in the ring after the lights go out, and yeah, she’s rough, but she’s way better than Asya. She’s an impressive athlete. This match isn’t good, but huge swole (not Swoll) ladies hitting dropkicks and suplexes and stuff is pretty cool, even if the match isn’t great! They’re just very slow, especially Asya. Someone should have laid this match out better with more tests of strength and overhead backbreakers and shit. Anyway, the Revolution yank the ref out of the ring and attack Midnight. I suppose Harlem Heat are indisposed after that beating, but Hacksaw Jim Duggan makes and appearance with the foam 2x4. Milwaukee is very weird in that they pop for Duggan in general, but REALLY pop when he tosses Asya to the mat. This crowd is, like, super into dudes beating up women. Jarrett hammering Madusa with the guitar got a huge pop that stood out, too, and of course Norm cracking Rhonda with a trash can. Anyway, the numbers game gets to Duggan, and they knock him out and lay the Revolution flag over him. Larry Z. asks Mike Graham about this meeting that TPtB has asked him to attend, but Graham knows nothing about it. Piper is still ranting in an incoherent manner. Speaking of guys who can’t do comedy…wait, actually, Piper can do comedy when good writers write it for him and he sticks to reciting what they write, a la his appearances as the Mauler in It’s Always Sunny. But a Piper who is told to let his creative juices fly? Nope. Tony S. says that they’re bringing back Nitro Party tapes, and I’m like, really? And then this tape is from DAFFNEY! I fucking love Daffney! Daffney, AKA “Crowbar’s Personality,” hugs a stuffed animal while rocking back and forth; she looks like she might understand David Flair far more than the voices in Davey’s head understand him. And in fact, she says: “I just want to say that I think David Flair is totally cool” and, whoa, I now notice that she’s got a shrine to David set up behind her, something like Helga Pataki’s shrine to Arnold. Daffney fucking RULES; let’s get her on regular television ASAP. Roddy Piper doesn’t rule, and I hope we can get him off regular TV ASAP. He’s, if you’ll recall, the ref and competitor in this handicap match against these voids of charisma and entertainment Creative Control. Piper insists on talking before this match, unfortunately. He thinks that calling CC “Coneheads” is funny. Piper uses his ref powers to pat down both Pa/oG and Ga/oP. Milwaukee thinks this is funny. I guess Piper grabbing a guy’s junk is hilarious to some people. As Piper lays out the rules of this I Quit Match, I think about my favorite ever Looney Tunes short, “To Duck or Not to Duck,” and how it did the whole “crooked ref uses the pre-match period to abuse an opponent” thing to perfection. That short was hilarious when I was four, and it’s equally as hilarious to me now that I’m old. I don’t know whether the duck referee’s introduction of Elmer Fudd was funnier (“What a dog…what a tramp…you can have him” *cackling laughter at Elmer’s general pathetic nature*) or whether his introduction of Daffy was funnier (“That champion of champions, your friend and mine, Daffy ‘Good to His Mother’ Duck” *crawls into Daffy’s lap and affectionately nuzzles him*). I should have just watched that short again instead of enduring this segment. Piper does a lot of cheap shotting and trickeration to get the advantage, falls to the numbers game, and eventually is saved by Goldberg. Ga/oP that big goofy bastard, is like a lead weight as Goldberg tries to Jackhammer him. Meanwhile, Piper chokes out Pa/oG with a belt until Pa/oG quits. HOLY SHIT, THIS SUCKED. Piper raises Goldberg’s arm and kisses him on his dome, and Goldberg says that they’re now even for last week. We cut back to (too much) Disco, Lash, and Marinara. They muss Marinara’s hair and then tar and feather the guy. NO ONE CARES ABOUT THIS ANGLE. The annoying mobsters are getting washed at cards by the heel Nitro Girls. This is a sentence that I could only write in the Russo-Ferrara Era. The Maestro finds one of Symphony’s shoes. Recap: Dustin Rhodes throws off TPtB’s plans by hindering the title aspirations of their CHO CHO CHOSEN ONE. Dustin Rhodes hooks it up with Meng next. Young Dust still uses the Seven theme, which is funny. This match is what it is, which is to say that it’s below average. Jarrett runs down in a couple minutes anyway and gets the match thrown out. Dustin sets Jarrett up for a Shattered Dreams, but the Outsiders hit the ring and bail Jarrett out by jumping Dustin; Jarrett lands a guitar shot on Meng, but it takes a big boot from Nash to fully put him down. Nash then hits Dustin with a Jackknife. Larry Z.’s meeting with Russo goes poorly. Russo asks Larry why Thunder sucks, and Larry says that it’s bad because Russo sucks at booking. This is all SHOOT true. Russo agrees and says they’ll send more A-listers to Thunder, and while he’s at the business of making over Thunder, he’s going to replace a certain shitty-ass announcer. Larry’s like FIRE ME, I’M ALREADY FIRED BOOKED FOR EIGHTEEN HOLES AT A PENNYSLVANIA COUNTRY CLUB. Larry Z. says he’ll never stick around and be a puppy dog for TPtB like that washed up bum Curt Hennig. Hennig, standing right next to Larry, is not pleased with those words. Russo immediately books Larry Z. vs. Curt Hennig, and if Larry Z. loses, he’s out of WCW. Larry says that’s fine, as long as if he wins, Russo goes back to New York and fucks himself, and not necessarily in that order. He wasn’t nearly that harsh about it, but that’s basically what he intimates. Russo agrees. Well, I see The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea has gotten his new gimmick. Some knockoff Prince music plays while TAFKAPI allows a dove, which is not crying, to perch on his outstreched hand. Prince Rogers was an outsized personality, and Iaukea is not that, so this gimmick will never work. Did Sharmell get repackaged as Paisley, or was that someone else? Curt Hennig (w/Shane, *sigh*) faces Larry Z. next. Larry comes out to the classic Nitro theme. I MISS YOU, CLASSIC NITRO THEME *sob*. Uh, excuse me for that tiny breakdown. Anyway, Larry actually looks pretty good, but I guess he doesn’t have to wrestle that often, so he looks way fresher than washed-ass Hennig. There’s a ref bump maybe ninety seconds in, of course. Heenan: “Hennig is not employed by WCW; he works for The Powers that Be.” OK, but aren’t TPtB employed by WCW? Anyway, the ref is out on this simple corner charge for a long fucking time. Larry turns a Perfect Plex attempt into a guillotine choke, but Shane helps Hennig clobber Larry. Arn Anderson runs down with a weapon, batters Shane and Hennig, and Larry Z. covers Hennig for three. Alas, all the legal paperwork that WCW has to process means that TPtB will be in these positions until the end of January. No, wait, Creative Control run down and point at the replay for Charles Robinson, who knows where his bread is buttered and reverses the decision. Arn and Larry batter Hennig and Shane, but it’s too late. Now, hold on, shouldn’t Larry be the winner because Shane interfered first? No, never you mind, I’m using logic where none exists. Disco and Lash finish trussing Marinara by stuffing an apple in his mouth. At the poker table, Vito has lost his tighty-whities. I. Don’t. CARE. Did I tell you yet, dear reader, that Benoit’s new music starts with him yelling SILENT BUT VIOLENT? I never heard this theme before this watch-through of Nitro, since I wasn’t watching Nitro at all by late ’99, but every time I hear it, it gets worse somehow. Benoit faces Kevin Nash (w/Scott Hall, ladder). Hall joins commentary, but sits on the ladder instead of at the desk. Nash throws a few soupbones to start. Benoit eventually answers with chops and mudhole stomps. I can’t get too much into this match because we all know what’s going to happen. It doesn’t take all that long before, after an obligabrawl, Benoit snaps on a Crippler Crossface out of a Nash Jackknife attempt, and Hall runs in. There was a good match somewhere in here, though. They had good chemistry. Anyway, Hall attacks the ref with the ladder to induce a ref bump. Benoit fights both guys off for a bit, but his attempt at a diving headbutt gets diverted into a splash on Hall when Hall advances on him. That give Nash time to land a big boot and a Jackknife. Hall positions the ladder and puts Benoit in crucifix position, but Sid runs down and yanks Benoit out of the ring before Hall can land a Razor’s Edge across the ladder. After some dudes walk around backstage and a “Mayhem for the Holidays” sweepstakes is promoted by Tony S., we come back to Sting telling Okerlund that he’s trying to stay one step ahead of TTP by hiring Liz. Oh Sting, you fool. You foolish fool. Anyway, the Stinger steals a Scott Hall catchphrase and uses it to challenge Hall before their match later tonight. Vito and the Bull, and I guess I’ll call ‘em the Mamalukes now, come to the ring and are too damn much, man. Russo and Ferrara just love this gimmick and these performers, and I’m bewildered by it. Vito demands that Disco Inferno and Lash LeRoux get down to the ring, calling them two “John Travolta wannabes.” When did Travolta play a Cajun dude with sub-mediocre mic skills? Anyway, the twins from last week skip out here instead. The Bull plans to hit the ladies, but Disco and Lash jump them from behind. Tony Marinara apparently got free somehow; he runs in and attacks Disco and Lash with a pipe. The Mamalukes carry Disco and Lash out of the ring. After the Maestro yells a lot backstage, we see the Mamalukes stuff Disco and Lash into their car. They celebrate, but they are so busy celebrating that they forget the keys are in the car and Disco drives away. HARDY HAR HAR. Back to the Maestro, he accidentally wanders into the Block and gets into a brief brawl with Jerry Flynn. The way this is shot is almost fucking unwatchable, by the way. There’s a weird filter over the action and a shaky cam. Flynn quickly knocks out the Maestro, then walks toward a door to leave, and it opens; David Flair hits Flynn with the crowbar, drags Symphony over to a knocked out Maestro, declares YOU FOUND HIM, and then yells at her to shut up as he drags her away. Oh my goodness, so much bad television, so many shitty angles, such garbage gimmicks. Gene Okerlund talks to Nick Patrick backstage; Patrick says that the Outsiders and Jeff Jarrett have run in on matches way too often, and the refs are striking back! He bars everyone from ringside in the Sting/Scott Hall match unless they have a legal reason to be there. As it turns out, Liz just got her managerial contract with Sting signed and filed with WCW; she shows it to him as he makes his way toward the ring. There are two more Nitro Series videos out: One for Sid, and a second one for Sting. I’m actually interested in seeing those. Anyway, Scott Hall comes back to the ring with Kevin Nash at his side. Sting comes to the ring with Liz at his side. Nash gets on commentary, so I guess he can stay out here? I don’t know. Liz definitely can stay out here as Sting’s manager. Nash says that if Piper was allowed to search Creative Control before their match, “Scott should be able to search Liz with the same vigor.” Nash is absurd sometimes. He gets up from the desk early to attack Sting and is ejected from ringside. Hall goes with abdominal stretches and sleepers and chokes and punches. I’m not really into anything that’s happening right now. Sting eventually makes a comeback, lands ten punches in the corner, winds up a big eleventh one, and lands that, too. Hall gets control with an eye poke and lands a fallaway slam. Liz gets on the apron, so Hall walks over and crotch chops her; she maces him in response. Hall wobbles into the corner, blinded, and gets hit with a couple of Stinger Splashes and wrapped in a Scorpion Death Drop; he quickly submits. Commentary makes a point of noting that Sting didn’t see Liz commit that fuckery on the apron. David Flair drags Symphony behind him on his way to the ring, and Tony S. announces that Davey will face DDP at Starrcade (I think). Guess what kind of match they’re going to have. Go on, guess. That’s right, a CROWBAR ON A POLE MATCH. Russo is such a clown, man. Ferrara is too. I don’t want to forget him. Anyway, Davey comes out and yells into a mic that the Maestro had better get out here before he does something unspeakable to Symphony, but DDP’s music plays and Page walks out. Symphony escapes as Davey swings the crowbar at Page, whiffs, and eats a Diamond Cutter. Page insists on continuing to talk, this time about internet rumors. Apparently, the rumor was that Page wanted out of his contract with WCW to go to the WWF. Yeah, this vaguely sounds like something that got kicked around on RajahWWF back then. Page is a babyface again, maybe? He says he believes in loyalty, so he’s staying in WCW. That’s a babyface thing to say. But then, he says he’s only out for himself because people who were close to him have let him down, so that’s a heel thing to say. I don’t care, actually. I’ll find out soon enough, SHADES OF GRAY, BRO and all that nonsense. Tony S. announces that Dr. Death will face Vampiro at Starrcade; if Vampiro wins, he gets five minutes with Oklahoma. Harlem Heat will be joined by Midnight to face Creative Control and Hennig at Starrcade, but it’ll still be for the tag titles even though it's now a six-person tag. And yes, that Page/Davey match will be at Starrcade as well. My “Starrcade 1996 was the last good Starrcade” take becomes more apparently true by the minute. Page and Sid have like a ninety-second match that end when Sid blocks a Diamond Cutter, shoves Page into the ref to bump him while countering it, and hits a powerbomb. He calls for a second, and Nash runs down to interfere. So does practically every other main eventer in the locker room, and we get a giant schmozz. Security tries to break things up, but fails. Nick Patrick says that he’s sick of all the ref abuse, and they should just make Goldberg/Jarrett a lumberjack match because these refs have had it with the unsafe conditions and are walking out. Goldberg runs out to the ring as everyone brawls, and by that I mean all the main eventers and also Creative Control. The babyfaces rule the ring. As the only ref left in the company right now, Roddy Piper comes out and declares everyone out there but Jarrett and Goldberg LUMBERJACKS, one by one. YOU, LUMBERJACK. YOU, OUT, LUMBERJACK. Jarrett backs away from the ring, but a few linemen for the Green Bay Packers hit the ramp and bar his way; Dustin Rhodes comes from nowhere, jumps Jarrett, and tosses him in the ring. They should just run every show in Milwaukee, as this rotten piece-of-shit show has kept them pretty engaged all night! This Goldberg/Jarrett match is whatever. Jarrett gets beaten up, bails to the wrong side of town, and gets clobbered. Goldberg jumps into the heel side willingly to throw strikes. Jarrett eventually gets a spot of control on Goldberg by clobbering him in the head and back with a chair. The cover after those chair shots gets like 1.9. Jarrett slaps on a sleeper, but a mere sleeper won’t stop the supreme fighting machine that is Kama Goldberg. Goldberg fights up, avoids heel intervention, and eventually gets three with a Jackhammer on Jarrett to send the crowd home happy. But not me! I’m not happy with this show. Bad. -35 out of 5 Stinger Splashes.

Thunder Interlude – show number eighty-nine – 2 December 1999 "The WCW Gang throws spaghetti at the wall, also probably does a lot of acid while throwing spaghetti at the wall" Thunder is live, and I note no opening intro with the HOLLYWOOD sign…Could our long-awaited revamp be coming?...This show moved to Wednesdays sometime around this point, maybe at the start of 2000, so it’s possible that it’ll happen then…Can you believe we’ve almost survived 1999 WCW together, dear reader?... Norman Smiley, in judo gear (including helmet) opens the show by defending his Hardcore title against THE WALL, BROTHER…Berlyn comes out almost immediately, even before the match starts…He joins commentary, actually…Boy, there are a lot of dudes wrestling in suit clothes in this company right now…Berlyn gets on the mic and says that he accepts TW,B’s apology that I’m pretty sure TW,B never made…TW,B kicks the hell out of poor Norm…Smiley gets boots up on a TW,B corner charge as TW,B holds a trash can in front of him…Smiley hits a flurry of weapon-assisted offense and does a Big Wiggle instead of pressing his advantage…TW,B hits a Hot Shot and gets back to beating down Norm…Norm tries to break a goozle and gets help from Berlyn, who clocks TW,B (accidentally?) with the Hardcore belt…Smiley falls on top of the wall while still locked in the goozle and gets three, then has to work to extricate himself from the woozy TW,B’s grip…Smiley’s character work is getting these hardcore matches just barely on the side of watchable… Tenay offers tonight’s lineup: The Total Package vs. Sid Vicious, with the Hitman on color for the main event; Chris Benoit vs. Jushin Liger (!!); and Jeff Jarrett and Mona vs. Evan Karagias and Madusa, in a WCW-ass WCW matchup…Glad to see those WCW-ass WCW matchups are still happening even in the Russo Era, even if the match ending (all the ladies get KABONG’d) seems obvious… TTP is upset about being booked against Sid, but he didn’t exactly deliver on that Liz-in-the-mud deal for Russo…Package storms into the production truck and has them play back what Tenay just said about the main event…That FUBU-wearing pillhead is in total disbelief… Silver King and Villano V (R.I.P.) bust in on Oklahoma and Dr. Death…Ah, Silver King wants his check back from the pinata match a few weeks back that he feels he earned before Dr. Death destroyed all the luchadores…Dr. Death and Oklahoma are annoyed, but not annoyed enough to fight until Silver King says the magic words: FOOTBALL IS FOR GIRLS…OK, this was actually funny because that is what gets Dr. Death and Oklahoma to hold one another back in rage…Oklahoma says that Dr. Death will challenge Silver King and Villano V to a handicap match later tonight… Kaz Hayashi does this dumb dubbed dialogue shit with Gene Okerlund in the back…Then, he heads out to face the Maestro…Tenay talks about meeting up later in the week with TPtB over that Jarrett guitar attack on Nitro…He’s planning to ask for Jarrett to be suspended and fined…Who knows what TPtB will decide?...They’re capricious…Maestro and Kaz have a perfectly decent match…Where’s Symphony?...Tenay next announces that Hitman/Goldberg at Starrcade will be no DQ…Gee, I wonder if there will be any run-ins during that main event…David Flair and his crowbar make an appearance…The Maestro’s music has set Flair off one too many times, I guess…There’s a ref bump because there always is, all the time, here in WCW…Flair whiffs on a crowbar shot and yams Kaz with it…The Maestro runs, chased by Dopey Dave…Dave wants to know where Symphony is…So do I; that’s what I asked earlier…Kaz wins by count-out…*sigh*… Disco Inferno and Lash LeRoux drive their nice car up to the show, and let me guess, we are getting that car bomb spot that I just knew would happen at some point under Russo and Ferrara [Editor's note: Not yet!]…Johnny the Bull and Big Vito pull up shortly after, looking for those two stupid gavones… Chavo Jr. gets a call backstage…He sells something to someone on the other end… Terry Taylor catches The Total Package trying to sneak out of the arena…Taylor takes Package’s duffel bag for safekeeping to keep him in the building…Package: “Thanks, Terrence, you’re a nice guy"…Ah, Package is unconcerned because he was holding that bag for Jimmy Hart, who was holding his bag in turn…For what reason these two would hold one another’s bags, I do not know…Just ignore things like “logic” and “sense” and revel in TTP getting away free and clear after he gets his rolling case back from Hart and tells Hart that Taylor has his bag…Package pops his bags in the car and, uh, notices that he has FOUR FLAT TIRRRRRRRRRRES [(tm) Johnny B. Badd]…Just call a taxi, stupid… Chavo Guerrero Jr. (w/product) wrestles Buzzkill, who comes out to a New Age Outlaws-theme knockoff and cuts a Shopify.com version of Road Dogg’s opening spiel…This isn’t second rate or even third rate…It’s, like, eighteenth rate…Buzzkill lectures Chavo on the evils of capitalism…Chavo opens his briefcase and shows that he has a lot of tie dye that he’s got to sell at a low price…That and a bundle of incense…Slick Johnson approves of the scent of said incense… Chavo opens a box and gets a lava lamp sort of deal out of the bag…And it doesn’t work when he plugs it in, HAHAHAHAHA…WCW fucking sucks…The crowd is booing, but I do get a kick out of Buzzkill trying to save it…He’s supposed to be enthralled by this lamp, but it's not cutting on, so he sits down and looks closer, asking how they can get this thing to work…Chavo puts headphones on Buzzkill, presumably with some Deep Purple playing on the Discman…Buzzkill lays back to vibe out, and Chavo covers him for two…Chavo tries to sell some tie dye to Slick, but Buzzkill picks up the suitcase and batters Chavo with it for three…Buzzkill feels bad afterwards, and he borrows some money from Slick to give to Chavo, then takes off with the lava lamp that doesn’t work and some of the tie dye…Chavo wakes up and is just glad to have sold something…This was very bad, but it was unintentionally funny because a) the crowd vocally hated it and b) the lamp didn’t work…That’s what saves it from being on the Absolute Dirt Worst list for me…And yet, it wasn’t nearly funny enough on its own merits to get on the Dumb, but Entertaining list… Okerlund interviews Chris Benoit about his upcoming match with Liger…Benoit talks about his past experiences facing Liger…He respects the guy, but still feels confident that he will take it to the cruiserweight/junior heavyweight legend… Lash and Disco go to Meng’s dressing room and replace the notice that it’s Meng’s room with a notice that it’s Lash and Disco’s room…Did we ever get any explanation as to why Lash and Disco are pals now?... Evan Karagias is still trying to get a little something something from Madusa in exchange for that title shot, but she’s A FRIGID BITCH, BRO, YOU KNOW HOW CHICKS ARE, BRO, THEY’RE ALL FRIGID, NONE OF THEM WILL SLEEP WITH YOU, THEY ALL JUST LEAD YOU ON WHILE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOU, BRO…I mean, that’s not my experience, Imaginary Russo who probably has the same views as IRL Russo, but you do you, champ… Nitro recap: This show is busy as hell…I guess they weren’t allowed to show video of the food fight by Turner S&P and are only allowed to show stills…HAHAHAHAHA… The Total Package is a coward backstage…He tries to fire himself up for his match against Sid by looking at his own muscles… Sid is hilarious…As Okerlund asks him about the Powerbomb Match that he’s booked for against Kevin Nash at Starrcade, Sid plays with a TTP action figure in a goofy manner, then creepily whispers about powerbombing Nash to hell…He wants Package to get a glimpse of what he's going to do to TTP while TTP “ponders what the rest of his life will be like as a vegetable”…Well, Luger is able to stand for short periods now, but that’s a classic “Harsher in Hindsight” TV Tropes example…Anyway, Sid tears apart TTP's action figure while cackling…We cut back to Luger, and the look of horror on his face induces laughter from the crowd…He hurriedly yanks out his cell phone and calls for a cab…That’s what I said that you should do a few paragraphs earlier, dummy… The wider internet wrestling commentariat complained endlessly about ’99 – ’01 Luger at the time, but the wider internet wrestling commentariat was wrong, as usual… The mobsters are looking for Disco and Lash…These dudes are awful, man…Everything about them sucks…They shove some security guys around… Dr. Death (w/Oklahoma) faces Silver King and both Villano IV and V in that handicap match for the 10K check…Oklahoma barges in and kicks an upset Larry Z. off commentary…Larry storms to the back…Oklahoma’s not doing the Bell’s Palsy sneer anymore…He claims that the healing power of his barbecue sauce that the Misfits poured on him cured his palsy…GODDAM, this moron Ferrara sucks…Vampiro comes out a minute in and bullies Oklahoma, who barely has time to promote the Dr. Death/Oklahoma vs. Vampiro/Jerry Only match that’s booked for Nitro…Silver King takes the now unattended check from where Oklahoma was sitting and runs off while Dr. Death finishes off Villano IV with an Oklahoma Stampede… SOMETHING’S GOING ON IN THE BACK…Something’s ALWAYS going on in the fucking back…The Total Package walks past the mobsters to try and catch his cab…The mobsters ask Package where Disco and Lash are, and he points the mobsters toward the locker room with Disco and Lash’s names on it…OK, this next bit is actually pretty clever, and I laughed…That little delay in which Package told the mobsters where to look for Disco and LeRoux gives Silver King enough time to burst through the back of the arena, hop in the cab with the check, and take off…That was actually pretty good!...Package futilely chases the cab as it peels off… The mobsters find Meng’s incorrectly-labeled dressing room and loiter around waiting for Disco and Lash to come out of it…If only they watched backstage monitors like TTP does!... Chris Benoit comes to the ring for his match against Jushin Liger…What if they just gave these two fifteen minutes with no commercial break?...HAHAHA, no, Juventud Guerrera comes out in a sling before they can even hook it up, followed by La Parka and Psicosis…Juvi joins commentary…Juvi: “I used to see [Liger] as an icon, but now I think he’s a con…He’s a con man because he doesn’t have respect for the Juice”…The caption, which dashes out minor cuss words like “ass,” reads Juvi’s accented pronunciation of the word “con” as the C-bomb (!!!)…And that’s not a word that’s dashed out; it’s clearly spelled out in the captions (!!!!!)…Uh, someone at the Network might want to manually review the auto captioning in this episode… Anyway, this match has a promising feeling-out opening…So, I haven’t mentioned this in these reviews yet, but Juvi is currently in a one-sided cross-company feud with the Rock…I think it all got set off during Chris Jericho’s WWF debut, when Rocky said this to Jericho: “You think you impress the Rock? Why? Because a couple of months ago, you were down south beating some jabroni named Juventud?!” Juvi, since then, has made oblique references to the Rock into the camera during his matches, like hitting a move on an opponent and then asking YOU SMELL THAT? or whatever…Obviously, that burner of a line hurt the guy's feelings IRL…The Rock was burying everyone on the mic in 1999 Juvi; you have to let it go…But now Juvi is out here dropping every one of the Rock’s catchphrases…Which, again, is something that Randy Savage was also doing earlier in the year…He drops an IT DOESN’T MATTER and is now calling himself the Juice… This match is presented as though it basically doesn’t matter and is actually a showcase for Juvi the Juice to get himself over on commentary…Juvi claims that he made the Cruiserweight division, and Tenay cuts in to announce that Chris Benoit vs. Kevin Nash has been made for Nitro and that Benoit will face Scott Hall in a ladder match for the U.S. Championship at Starrcade…Liger hits a dive to Benoit on the outside…I feel like maybe I’m hallucinating again at this point…These shows are straight up fever dreams…Liger locks on a surfboard…Liger rules, man…Liger hits a brainbuster as things finally calm down a bit on commentary…Liger’s got Benoit reeling, but Benoit blocks a tornado DDT and hits a lariat…There’s a standing ten count…Liger gets up and tries an enziguri, but Benoit ducks it and drops an elbow…Snap suplex, angled back suplex, cover for Benoit, but it only gets two because Liger gets his leg over the ropes… I think this match has been quite good…I’m not entirely sure, though…I’ve been distracted by all the other nonsense with the commentary and captioning and match announcements…Liger catches Benoit going up top for a headbutt and hits a superplex…Psicosis and La Parka jump in the ring and stomp out Liger, but Benoit gets up and helps Liger clear the ring…The crowd applauds as Liger raises Benoit’s arm…I think that was legitimately good enough to be on the good matches list even with the fuck finish, but trust me – watch it on mute to fully appreciate it… Buff Bagwell promises to be a road block rather than a speed bump to Meng’s recent domination…No, Roadblock is a road block…You’re an annoying babyface… Russo and Ferrara giving a million segments to Vito and the Bull on every show is the dumbest shit ever…The mobsters bust in on Meng and get their asses kicked… Luger has me cracking up…Now he puts on maybe the worst attempt at a stereotypical German accent I’ve ever heard and pretends to be “Dr. Lipschitz,” Lex Luger’s father's doctor, in a phone call to Terry Taylor…I mean, this accent is fucking hilarious…It’s like a cross between Arnold Schwarzenegger’s real-life Austrian accent and Madeline Kahn's Germanic accent in Blazing Saddles...And of course, Package can’t hold the accent at all, which makes it even funnier…Unfortunately, Package makes this call right outside of the room that Terry Taylor is sitting in, so Taylor pokes his head out of the door and lets Package know that he appreciates the attempt, but it didn’t fool him… Can you believe that, as Buff Bagwell makes it to the ring to face Meng, we haven’t even made it fifty minutes into this show, less commercial breaks?...So much stuff has happened...My goodness...Buff tries to avoid the wrath of Meng by firing up with dropkicks and lariats…This is actually a solid little TV match because the crowd gets into Buff’s attempted comebacks…I mean, there are a lot of boot chokes, but if you can get past that, the layout itself is solid…Eventually, the mobsters come down the ramp…They jump both men in the ring…Meng destroys both mobsters, no help from Buff needed…Buff’s a little sneak fuck, though, and climbs the ropes…In an awkward spot, Meng and Vito both have to wander toward Buff so Buff can Blockbuster Vito after Meng ducks…Meng TDGs Buff when Bagwell gets up and the ref, who was earlier bumped, comes to and counts three… Okerlund interviews Mona and Jeff Jarrett…Okerlund’s eyes are locked on Mona's cleavage window…She notices…He tries to pretend that he wasn’t looking, but we all know he’s lying…Cleavage windows are almost impossible not to look at, IMO, so I can’t fault that skeezy bastard Okerlund for looking…But man, look away, give yourself some plausible deniability…And yes, Mona is scorching hot, IMO, but still, play it cool, Gene…You’re fucking it up for the rest of us who have the sense not to leer…Anyway, yes, Smellynetico has settled down... Mona is aggrieved that Madusa gets a Cruiserweight title shot when Mona won their Evening Gown Match…Jarrett’s like BLAH BLAH BLAH, STOP TALKING SO I CAN TALK and then complains that neither Goldberg or Dustin Rhodes are here and shares his plans to see them on Monday…He also tells Okerlund to watch himself when he conducts interviews, or he’ll give Gene some of what Tenay got… Why the fuck are we getting another Bull and Vito blipment?...These guys fucking SUCK…What is the point of watching them cough in pain and lust after cheese sandwiches?...There is none; that was a rhetorical question… Jeff Jarrett and Mona hit the ring for their bout against Evan Karagias and Madusa…Jarrett makes Mona wrestle Karagias because he’s a dick…This sparks a JARRETT SUCKS chant…Mona and Karagias have a very good feeling out process, to my shock…They do some smooth chain wrestling (?!?!)…Mona is good, obviously, but I didn’t expect that from Karagias…Mona does her best in this match, but she’s outnumbered with Jarrett refusing to even get on the apron… Madusa and Karagias kick the shit out of Mona…However, Madusa takes a long time to go up top and Mona recovers and presses her to the mat…Karagias tries to go up, but Mona crotches him and hits a top-rope Frankensteiner…Unfortunately for her, Madusa comes up from behind and lands a sick German suplex…Karagias follows with a corkscrew splash for three…What the fuck, that was really fun?!...Jarrett gets in the ring and dresses down Mona…Mona dropkicks Jarrett in frustration, so Jarrett clobbers Mona with the guitar…That looked gross as FUCK…There’s a lump forming on Mona’s forehead almost immediately after she takes that guitar shot…GODDAM…Was that good television?...I don’t think it was, but it did entertain the shit out of me…That’s one for the Charming Uniquities list…And maybe a great example of how Crash TV in pro wrestling can be entertaining, if not very nourishing… Review: Bret Hart’s career in WCW so far…I sort of dig the idea that Russo and Ferrara are going to build their big angles around the Hitman and Chris Benoit…Of course, the execution will involve the Hitman turning heel, so as usual, the idea doesn’t live up to the execution… Gene Okerlund talks to these dopey secessionists in the Revolution…What the fuck is up with this sudden turn in the Revolution's stated goals?...It’s so weird…Saturn has taken one too many hits to the head and thinks they’re really forming a country… The Total Package has been reduced to pleading with TPtB about unbooking this match against Sid…TTP wants to know what’s in it for him…A potential world title shot on Nitro is in it for him, at least based on Package’s end of the call…Someone in production got wise and cut off the Thunder outro music while Package was talking about halfway through the phone call so we could hear him speaking… Okerlund talks to Disco and Lash, who are facing a couple of Revolution members in a second…Disco thinks it’ll be easy to keep outwitting the mobsters…Lash is now on CATCHPHRASE STEALING ALERT after he actually dares to call himself the “Ayatollah of Shrimp Creol-e”…Also, you’re Cajun, not Creole…Ricky Starks is the Creole wrestling icon, dammit…Not you…Disco tells Lash not to do the Bourbon Street Blues since dancing is his gimmick… Lash LeRoux and Disco Inferno end up paired against Dean Malenko and Saturn (w/Shane Douglas and Asya)…Malenko does some sub-average mic work about how badly America sucks…Again, this twist in the Revolution's gimmick has come from absolutely nowhere…What a strange fucking twist…It makes no sense…Malenko is confused at how someone can be proud of being Cajun and American at the same time…Uh, what?!...My God, Douglas and Disco have a mic “battle” now…What the fuck, man…Douglas is like I HATE ITALIANS SO MUCH…Now the GODDAM MOBSTERS walk out here…The mobsters attack the racist secessionists…Disco and Lash roll out while Asya ball shots the mobsters…Wait, no, Disco and Lash jump the Revolution as security backs the mobsters out…I guess we’re having our match now… Shane unfortunately joins commentary…If you’ve ever played Divekick, you’ll recognize what I’m going to type about Mr. Douglas next: FRAUD DETECTION WARNING – FRAUD DETECTED *Certified 100% Fraud*…Might as well put this doofus in a dress shirt and tie and call him “Dean” again…He sucks…Douglas rants about his dead veteran father and how that gives him the right to hate on America…Larry Z. goes all “centrist who is actually just an embarrassed Republican" in commentary and I blame Douglas for setting off Larry's inclination to act like a guest on CNN's Crossfire…This segment has been pure hell, and Saturn and Disco having a nice match segment isn’t going to change things…But wow, as bad as this has been, I can’t say that I’ve been bored…It’s like watching a house collapse in on itself…This must be how it would feel to watch the House of Usher fall in on its creepy residents…It's horrible, but I have to look, you know?...In the finish, Asya distracts Lash at ringside so that Douglas can clobber him in the head with his cast…He rolls Lash back into the ring, where Malenko puts him in the Texas Cloverleaf for the submission victory…That was pure, uncut WTF?!... Sid Vicious and The Total Package meet in the main event…Bret Hart hits the desk before the competitors come out…It strikes me that this company is turning Bret Hart heel again in about two weeks…Now, Terry Funk must come into the company pretty soon because I feel like he interacts with the Hitman in some way and tells Bret that he’s probably badly concussed…I don’t have Bret’s book near me right now, but I think that’s what the Hitman wrote about his hazy post-Starrcade remembrance of things… Wait, hold on, The Total Package gets a mic and says that they can do it the easy way or the hard way…Sid wants to do it the hard way and then stops Package from using an international object that TTP had hidden in his tights…Sid controls until TTP lands a low blow…Liz walks to the ring maybe a minute in…There’s a weak double-forearm spot a few seconds after that…The crowd chants for SID, who unfortunately for them is sprayed with mace after Package takes it from Liz…Sid blindly powerbombs Charles Robinson while trying to defend himself…Package quickly rolls a still-blinded Sid up while a second ref runs in and counts three…I mean, Sid’s legs were in the ropes and everything…Sid powerbombs a celebrating Luger after the match… This show was straight fuckery…It landed matches in the Good Matches and Charming Uniquities lists…It also landed matches/segments in the Dirt Worst and So Dumb, It’s Entertaining lists…I don’t know, this has to be on the positive side of the ledger just for holding my rapt attention for ninety minutes…Even the terrible stuff kept me watching…Just barely, WOO…

I think they're as bad as one another in different ways. With Russo/Ferrara, the bad jokes and segments are short, but they're plentiful. With Bischoff/Nash, there are less bad jokes and segments, but they're longer. With Russo/Ferrara, every match is short and most of them skip or truncate whole segments. Hell, I've seen tag matches (e.g. Konnan/Kidman vs. Creative Control) that go right to the FIP at the bell, no shine for the babyfaces at all. With Bischoff/Nash, a lot of matches are vaguely dull and go on too long. There are too many Hugh Morrus vs. Rick Fuller type matches that get eight minutes on television for some fucking reason. I still think Bischoff's August 1998 is the most wretched month's worth of weekly television in the bunch, but if someone wanted to argue that Nash's July 1999 or Russo/Ferrara's November 1999 are worse, I wouldn't put up much of an argument. The thing Bischoff has to his credit is the stuff that came before August of 1998 that was mostly pretty good. I suppose he has Kevin Sullivan and Terry Taylor or whomever to thank for a lot of that, though. I actually don't hate the idea of running fight club-type matches in the boiler room, but yeah, it's obvious where Russo pulled this from. Ah, good to see that Russo is re-building bridges with New Japan that Sonny Onoo burned down. It felt like Lanny didn't ever get quite the push he should have as a serious threat. When I watched Mid-South, I was excited to see him come in, but they just settled him into JttS mode within a few weeks. The Genius is a ridiculous character and probably made him some nice money, but he was actually very good in the ring and deserved better. I'm excited because I still have that Chavo/Sugar Shane Helms feud to get to toward the end of this watch-through. I have more confidence than ever that my love for that feud, which I've only seen at the time it aired, will endure. Chavo is the man. Someone, maybe you, said pages and pages ago that Chavo's biggest sin is not being as good as Eddy. To jump off that last sentence, here's my hot take: I think Chavo Jr. has shown more than Eddy has in this WCW run. If I didn't know the future, I would guess that Chavo is probably more likely to break out as a star based on their work in WCW alone, which is all I knew at the time. Obviously, if you saw Los Gringos Locos, which I had not, you'd think I was crazy. But just their WCW work? Chavo has shown way more. I heard or read somewhere, and maybe someone who knows more about this can verify, that WWE thought that Benoit and then Saturn were the two most promising of the Radicalz in that order and saw Eddy as sort of a wild card. If that's true, I totally get why they thought that way. Benoit has massive physical charisma; Saturn has shown how flexible a character he is, moving between comedy and deadly seriousness with ease. Eddy has looked great in the ring, but some of his character work has been middling to awful, especially in this run with the Filthy Animals, but also his awkward babyface run when he entered the company. The best he's looked as a character or a talker has far and away been when he's been paired with Chavo, IMO. It seems obvious that Eddy would become a massive star and a great talker and character work guy in 2024, and it probably did if you were watching AAA in the early '90s, but as an American fan who first got acquainted with Eddy in WCW, I think it's a minor shock that he ended up being as great as he was on the character side of things. Russo and Ferrara's kill count is two so far: The First Family and the Filthy Animals. That's probably merciful death compared to the Revolution, who are sticking around to become seccessionists. HOOOOOOOOOOOpefully an American (and then Canadian) hero? (Does no one working at the Pepsi Center/Ball Arena dump their trash cans regularly, or like what?) I knew they'd all have overelaborate fuck finishes and was still disappointed slightly. I think Bischoff and/or Nash produced a -50 in there somewhere. In exciting news (to me), I've started a document that just lists each show, its date, and the Stinger Splash or WOO/OWW score. I'm also planning to tier-list the WCW PPVs. If plans go to form, I won't have access to Peacock for a little over two weeks in December, so I'll use that time to put the list together and make it viewable here hopefully by early 2025 at the latest.

Alan Partridge references are never dated, dammit! I can't even hear Roachford's "Cuddly Toy" without thinking of ol' Partridge. It was so random. An elbowdrop?! Oh wow, neat that you found an exact GIF of that segment on the internet!

Show #216 – 29 November 1999 “The one where Russo and Ferrara really ramp up the playing out of their mommy issues or bad romantic relationships from their late teens or whatever the fuck” This Nitro starts with a ring bell salute for Hiro Matsuda, who passed away the previous week. This crowd in Denver sounds enthusiastic tonight. Denver produced a lot of strong crowds for this era of WCW. Goldberg walks to the ring to start the show. So, after Bret gets kicked full-force in the head at Starrcade, does he still manage to win that match? Does Goldberg lose at two straight Starrcades? I’m not sure WCW booked a Starrcade that a babyface won the main event of straight up and with no fuckery after 1996…and even that main event match was out of nowhere declared a non-title match even though I think everyone thought it was for the title. Hall and Nash have annoyed Goldberg with their sophomoric comedy routines, and he’s sick of it! That makes two of us, Goldy. Goldberg says that getting hit with a chair by Hall last week, which I may or may not have reported – there was a lot going on, as there usually is in the RFE - - sort of amped him up for more violence. That tracks with what we know about Goldberg. He cuts a decent promo in which he intimates that playtime is over for the Outsiders. He warns Hall against coming anywhere near the ring while he beats up Nash later tonight. The Outsiders hit the ramp to respond. The crowd digs these fellas, too. They just seem amped for a WCW show. They think the height of their comedy act was bashing Goldberg with a chair, and they soon advance on Goldberg in the ring while holding the man advantage. Sid storms out here yelling IT AIN’T GONNA BE THAT EASY BECAUSE THERE’S A NEW BABYFACE IN TOWN, AND HIS NAME IS SID VICIOUS. Did I mention that Sid rules? All four men brawl until security intercedes. Here are tonight’s bouts, according to Tony S.: Goldberg vs. Nash; Scott Hall vs. Sid (for the U.S. and Television titles); and Bret Hart vs. Meng (for the World title). All of these bouts form a triple main that Tony says must have winners by pinfall or submission, no DQs or countouts. That sounds good, but no DQs mean endless run-ins and fuckjob finishes. Sting will also face Jeff Jarrett and Chris Benoit in a triple threat for a number one contendership match for the world title post-Starrcade. Dr. Death will square off with Jerry Only in a steel cage and there’s a Mud Pit Match that will involve maybe a lot of Nitro Girls, implies Tony S. Ignore those last two matches: The rest of this card sounds promising! Piper shows up in a limo, and a limo pulls up alongside it with Bertha Faye/Monster Ripper/Rhonda Singh and someone else I didn’t quite recognize. Piper makes a few fat jokes at their expense because he’s a babyface in 1999. Vito and the Bull stand backstage as Vito’s dumb ass can’t keep straight their targets tonight – Disco Inferno and Lash LeRoux. The Bull shadowboxes with Vito as Vito talks, and that pisses the latter off. Vito wants the Bull to get serious and do this job for their boss. Buff Bagwell once again challenges Booker T. Is Stevie hurt, or just off TV while WCW tries to renegotiate his contract downward? Tony S. tells us that the Filthy Animals have broken up. That was quick! Oops, I’m wrong about this match; actually, Buff and Booker are challenging Creative Control (w/Curt Hennig) in a tag title match. Buff beats up Ga/oP, then poses. Pa/oG tags in, and Buff tags in Booker so Booker can get some shine before CC cheats their way into control. Book makes a comeback and lands an axe kick in a short FIP segment that is just the house style for this company in the RFE. Buff hits some weak neckbreakers and clotheslines before the match breaks down. Buff almost completely whiffs on the Blockbuster, but Pa/oG sells it, and Buff covers until Ga/oP can hit Buff with a chair as Hennig draws the ref. Pa/oG covers for three, and then it’s a three-on-two fight until Midnight once again appears. She throws a pretty sweet standing dropkick, actually! Wow, definitely have her do that instead of punching dudes. Juvi shows up in Russo’s office to talk about Juvi’s visa problems. Then, get this, and I don’t care that Russo is a heel because he actually shoot feels this way, he says: “Get this, they’re forcing me to put some Japanese clown on my show because of prior contractual commitments. Did you ever hear of Jushin Thunder Liger?” Man, fuck off, Russo, that’s not just some kayfabe shit you’re saying, you dumbfuck moron. You actually think no American could possibly care about Liger. This dude sucks and his taste in wrestling is beyond shitty. Russo tells Juvi that if he can take the IWGP Light Heavyweight Championship from Liger, Russo’ll help him with his visa issues. Then, he says that he has no confidence in Juvi to win it, but he’s got a backup plan to make it happen. Haha, this random race-based bigotry is killing me inside! I only laugh to hide the pain! Liz looks stressed as she talks on the phone. The Total Package comes up to her, all suited up, and announces a lawsuit that he’s filed against Liz for breaching their managerial contract. Package crows about putting Liz in the poorhouse, and Liz begs to make it up to him. Package says he’ll think about how she can do that. Piper cackles about getting paid millions to sit around in catering. Ronda Singh chills in the back, trying to figure out what to wear in her match. Let me guess, they’re having her wrestle in the mud pit. Who is the second woman with her? I’m drawing a blank, but I feel like I know her. Maybe, maybe not. There’s a flower delivery for Symphony; the Maestro sent them according to the card. Jeff Jarrett tells Tenay that he’s above caring about Dustin Rhodes trying to ruin his chances to be world champ and that he’s still the CHO CHO CHOSEN ONE. Tenay notes that TPtB seems to be tired of Jarrett fucking up his title opportunities, so Jarrett hammers him with his guitar. Fuck, Brian Knobbs is back out here. He cuts a promo in his extremely imitable style where he yells a lot and calls his enemies “women” because women are cowardly losers. He calls out Norman Smiley, but Smiley’s too busy hiding under a table as Fit Finlay walks by. Finlay’s the guy that comes out here, carrying a bag. I’m impressed that Russo and Ferrara are aware enough to pick back up with that feud that almost got Finlay’s leg amputated. Finlay takes two kendo sticks out of the bag, tosses one to Knobbs, and goes to work. He whacks the hell out of Knobbs, then goes back to the bag, where he gets scissors and an electric shaver and cuts Knobbs’s hair. This is where having backup would be helpful to Knobbs, but the First Family is as dead as the Filthy Animals are. After cutting Knobbs’s hair, Finlay lands one more cane shot. Finlay beating the shit out of Knobbs is great. This is the perfect use of Brian Knobbs in 1999. Vito and the Bull walk up on Gene Okerlund. They fanboy over meeting him and invite him out, but Okerlund’s been given all of Tenay’s assignments. He’s not into it until Vito says they’re taking him to a gentleman’s club on their dime. Okerlund immediately abandons his assignments with a hearty WHAT THE HELL, YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE! Okerlund can be pretty funny sometimes. Russo, to Creative Control in his office: “First of all, is there sun in your eyes? Am I the Omega Man? Take the glasses off when you’re in my office and I’m talking to you.” Boy, I bet Russo and Nash got along, all full of references they just can’t wait to drop in their monologues and shit. Russo really is like a spoiled kid with a toybox. Jeff Jarrett and Creative Control are my old toys friends now. Curt Hennig is my shiny new friend! Hennig is as disgusted at Creative Control as Russo is, and he says that he never would have taken an ass kicking from a woman like they did. Russo interjects that he’d like Hennig to show them how to do things right and books Hennig/Midnight for later in the show, with Booker barred from ringside. HAHAHA OVERWEIGHT WOMEN ARE PUTTING ON MAKEUP EVEN THOUGH WE ALL KNOW THAT THEY’RE OVERWEIGHT AND THEREFORE SO UGLY THAT IT IS POINTLESS FOR THEM TO TRY AND MAKE THEMSELVES CUTER, EVEN IF THEY’RE JUST DOING IT FOR THEIR OWN GRATIFICATION, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA IT’S SO FUNNY, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA NO ONE HAS EVER MADE THE INCREDIBLY HIGH-LARIOUS COMEDIC OBSERVATION “FAT WOMEN ARE SOOOOOO UGLY” EVER IN THE HISTORY OF ENTERTAINMENT MEDIA BEFORE THIS SHOW WOW, MUCH CREATIVITY, SO GENIUS, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (So, Bischoff’s idea of comedy is very bad, and he tends to draw out his shitty comedy in minutes-long segments, but Russo and Ferrara are working on a deeper level of being tragically unfunny in an unnecessarily mean way. They’re a two-man showrunner version of that Shasta McNasty show from early-era UPN. Seth MacFarlane thinks these guys could stand to be a bit more subtle. Holy fuck.) Jushin Liger and Juventud Guerrera get jobber entrances, and Buzzkill storms down here with a sign right at the jump. This is a fucking Liger match on free American television against one of the best cruiserweight workers in the company, but Buzzkill is here yammering like an idiot on commentary and the match goes for like three minutes, if that. Buzzkill pretends that he’s never met Liger in his life even though Tony S. insists otherwise. Liger hits a sick Frog Splash for two, but this is a nothing bout that ends when Juvi hits Liger with a bottle of fucking tequila and wins the IWGP Junior Heavyweight Championship. I should note that both guys hit awesome dives and even worked a 2.9 that I bit on in the middle of this bullshit segment. I’ll be looking online for the return match in Japan where Juvi drops the title back to Liger that I hope and assume must have happened on the internet this weekend. Nash might have strangled the cruiserweight division so badly that it was on life support, but Russo and Ferrara pulled the plug, then dumped the corpse of that division in a wash and let the coyotes and buzzards feed on it. Chavo Jr., bless his improperly-pushed heart, has been pressed into backstage interviewer duty with Tenay injured and Okerlund popping a boner as an Italian-American woman in her early twenties grinds her ass against him. Look, if that’s what Russo and Ferrara wrote, that’s the overly-detailed explanation you’re going to get for why Chavo’s here in a suit and tie, holding a microphone. Chavo: “I’m here to sell you something, and that’s EXCITEMENT! Oh, I also have a complete set of fine China for 39.95.” This dude just makes it work no matter what stupid-ass shit they give him to do. He’s on my short list of “favorite guys who became favorites after I watched through all these WCW shows.” Chavo interviews Oklahoma and Dr. Death about the steel cage match that Doc is having with Jerry Only later tonight. Nothing of import is said. Symphony gets chocolates and another card from the Maestro. Sid plans out his strategy against Scott Hall by goozling himself, then yelling AND THEN UP AND DOWN, YEAH! It bums me out that Sid had to pass away for the wider internet wrestling fandom to revisit different clips and segments from his career and go, Yeah, you know, he was actually pretty good at pro wrestling. We actually see Okerlund getting drinks with Vito and the Bull at a strip club. Chavo tries to sell a home security system before he interviews Scott Hall, and this exchange got me laughing hard enough that I got tears: Hall: “You done with your blue light special, chump change?” Chavo (with the dignity of a man who is working hard to make a paycheck and bring you savings at the same time): “As a matter of fact, I am.” That was like perfect comedic delivery on both their parts. Holy shit, Chavo is the best. It also cracked me up because after he said that, he went right into interviewer mode without skipping a beat. Chavo asks Hall why he’s focusing on defending the U.S. Championship and wonders when he’ll defend the TV title. I thought this was his second TV title defense since Mayhem, but this question is just to introduce an opportunity for WCW to ditch the World Television Championship. Hall complains that the TV title has got him nothing – no free TV dinners, no chance to meet TV stars – and hands the belt to Nash. They play basketball with it while Chavo commentates, and Nash dunks the belt in the trash like he was back at Tennessee in his college days. We have a new TV champion, folks! It’s a random trash can! The Revolution saunters to the ring. Shane Douglas crows about destroying the Filthy Animals while Saturn and Malenko trample an American flag. Uh, so are they anti-Americans now, or like what? Have they gone from revolting against WCW’s old guard to revolting against the United States? Douglas cusses a lot to make it seem like he might be good at fiery promos, but you can’t fool me, Shane! You’re still on FRAUD WATCH, and the watch is just about over. All that’ll be left is the FRAUD part of that phrase. Malenko yells about being booed by Americans while facing a Canadian last week, and then he declares that the Revolution are seceding from the union. I am laughing very hard again, but not because Malenko intended me to, unlike with Chavo and Hall. They take on snake names like they’re members of the Fox Force Five. Malenko is Python, Douglas is the Rattler, Asya is the Boa, and Saturn recycles the phrase "Trouser Snake" after Nash McMahon used it to introduce Scott Hall a few weeks ago. *sigh*. Hacksaw Duggan comes out here in his janitorial get-up to a massive pop, good God, Denver. He threatens the Revolution and then marches to the ring, beating Revolution members with his fake 2x4 until the numbers game is too much. Benoit runs down and clears the ring with his mere presence. Russo tells Creative Control to bring in Roddy Piper, who it seems will be refereeing the Scott Hall/Sid Vicious U.S. Championship match up next. It’s so weird that they put the belt on Bret and Hall after Sid dropped it to Goldberg when a bunch of midcarders could actually use that belt. Chavo pushes some heart pendants, then interviews Jerry Flynn about the BLOCK, which is where WCW’s having their little weekly fight club. Flynn challenges anyone in WCW to meet him there tonight. Piper refuses to go with Hennig and Creative Control because he’s bricked up and needs to take a shit. Scott Hall (w/Kevin Nash) defends that U.S. Championship that he absolutely doesn’t need against Sid. Hall got that title by beating Piper earlier in the year, had it stripped because he was injured, and circled right back around to it in November. Hall attacks Sid before Sid can get his vest off, but Sid lands a lariat and takes it off as Nash joins commentary. Nash buries the TV title a bit, but mostly cheers for Hall while Sid clubs him down. Hall gathers control and lands a fallaway slam, then signals for a Razor’s Edge. He attempts it, but Sid slips out of the back and hits a chokeslam as the ref runs himself into Hall’s legs in a contrived way so that he can bump. Sid hits a powerbomb and covers; Nash runs in, but whiffs on his elbowdrop attempt. Sid prepares to powerbomb Nash, but Jeff Jarrett runs in, clobbers Sid with his guitar, pulls Hall on top of Sid, and revives the ref. That gets three. Goldberg runs down a bit too late and spears Jarrett, then Jackhammers him. OK, I guess Piper wasn’t ever going to be the ref for that match since Charles Robinson had to run a full damned mile around Sid to pull off that ref bump, and Piper’s not sprinting with hips and knees like he has. Creative Control and Hennig walk him out of his dressing room to who knows where after this previous match ends. We keep getting these strip club blipments with the mobsters and Okerlund, and you know what, we didn’t need to see them. The initial joke that Okerlund is an eternal horndog was enough. Piper is assigned the ref job for the mud match between the plus-sized lady wrestlers. Fyre and poor Sharmell, the latter of whom is genuinely funny, are forced to do a stupid food fight segment at catering, complete with dumb insults. Security breaks even that one up. The non-Rhonda participant in the mud match walks by and rubbernecks; this leads to her accidentally gets some of the tossed food lodged in her throat. Juvi tries to save her life, but doesn’t know how to do the Heimlich, so he ends up screaming for help as this young woman dies on the floor of WCW catering. Who the fuck wrote this and why? Dr. Death (w/Oklahoma) hits the ring for this cage match that has less heat than a jar of mild barbecue sauce. Oklahoma, ahem, "graces us with his presence" on commentary. Death and Only look terrible in there. This thing SUCKS. The Misfits flood Oklahoma and dump his bottle of barbecue sauce over his head while Dr. Death polishes off Only in the ring. I feel like quite a few of these segments and matches are like the first third of an idea that Russo and Ferrara forgot to finish considering the other two-thirds of before they put them on television. Anyway, Dr. Death is distracted by Oklahoma being beaten up, but he can't unlock the cage door, so Only gets up after being Oklahoma Stampeded and escapes the cage to win. What is this, New York? Escaping the cage in a WCW event to win; man, you’d better get out of here with that shit. Juventud Guerrera rushes into Russo’s office and tells him about one of the mud match competitors choking to death, I guess? No, Juvi saved her life with the Heimlich and mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Russo: YOU GAVE THAT WILDEBEEST MOUTH TO MOUTH? Then he disgustedly kicks Juvi out of his office for putting his lips on a fat woman to save her life while Creative Control laughs. WOW. As an aside, and I know this doesn’t really matter, she wasn’t even fat. She was a medium-sized woman with some thickness in her thighs. There are so many things wrong with this puerile segment that I’m not even going to stop to list them, actually. The Total Package sees that Russo needs a replacement for the mud match and has an idea about how to help him out. I didn’t have Liz vs. Monster Ripper in a mud pit on my card for tonight’s show, but Russo and Ferrara are a bottomless well of stupid ideas. Chavo interviews the Hitman about how he’ll survive Meng’s attacks tonight. Bret leaves and Chavo claims that the Hitman’s flowing hair was due to the hair care products that he’s selling. This joke, while dumb, is still working solely because of Chavo’s moxie. Meng, coming off wins over Sting and The Total Package in previous weeks, has earned a WCW World Heavyweight Championship shot against Bret Hart, and that’s next. Some fan has a THE GREEN BLAZER sign with marijuana leaves on it, which is so Denver. The Hitman works his way out of the corner with blows, but Meng chops him and puts him right back in the corner for clubbers and chokes. Meng loves trapping guys in the corner in kayfabe, and I guess in shoot since he doesn’t have to move a whole lot in the corner. Meng cuts off a Bret comeback, then hits more chops. The crowd gets behind Bret as he takes buckle bonks and a lariat. Heenan mentions that he managed Meng in the past and talks about how hard the guy is to manage in a nice touch. Meng lands a piledriver for two, and I actually think there’s a good ten or twelve minute match in here that isn’t going to get the time to breathe. Bret barely got any shine to start. Meng lands a shoulderbreaker for two more, then hits a few Mongolian chops and a headbutt. Meng busts out a somersault senton (!!) that he misses, and Bret goes to work. Headbutt to the solar plexus, fist to the gut, side Russian, second-rope elbow, and a two count at the end of that sequence. The crowd starts booing, so someone must be coming out here. Yep, it’s Scott Hall, who KO’s the ref and attacks the Hitman as Hart tries to put a Sharpshooter on Meng. Meng chops and TDGs Hall, but Nash is here, too. Nash has grabbed a kendo stick from somewhere, and he batters Meng with it over and over to get Meng to break the hold. He and Hall continue to tee off on Meng with the stick; Nash then hits Meng with a Jackknife. Chris Benoit runs down as Hall and Nash surround Bret outside the ring, yanks the stick away from Hall, and batters both Outsiders with it. Hart gets back in the ring and locks a Sharpshooter on Meng, who is still totally wiped; this earns him a knockout victory. I would have loved to see what Bret could have done with ‘99/’00 Meng in a straight up ten-minute match. Louis the Delivery Guy hands Symphony a teddy bear and a card that I suppose are also from the Maestro, but noticeably, there is no name on that last card, so probably it's a SWERVE. Symphony reads that the person who wrote the card expects to meet her in their “special place” in a half-hour. TTP tries to get a meeting with Russo to solve his mud pit issue and gives Gerald and/or Patrick some tips on wearing his suit besides. Chavo pitches makeup products before talking to Tygress, who says figuratively that she’ll take ten of whatever Chavo has so that she can give them to Spice, who needs it. Chavo thinks he’s made a sale, but Tygress dismisses him until Spice walks in, having shredded Tygress’s top that she was planning on wearing tonight. Tygress drops a YOU BITCH, a Vinnie Ru favored phrase, and they have a low-impact brawl in Tygress’s bathroom as Chavo tries to sell them bath towels. Yes, this all happened. I don’t know what the fuck else to tell you. Evan Karagias makes out with Madusa and tries to get to home plate, but Madusa’s not taking him to bang town until he promises her a Cruiserweight Championship match at Starrcade. Evan’s thinking with his little Evan, so he agrees immediately. TTP offers to substitute Liz for “the behemoth,” and Russo gets fired up about this idea. Chavo pitches his pre-Christmas holiday shipping plan, and this is funny because Sting stands there, looking disgusted, just waiting for this idiot to finish the pitch. Liz runs up and begs for Sting’s help with this mud pit issue. You can see the road that this angle is traveling down swerving from miles away, can’t you? Sting still isn’t taking the bait at this point, though. Chris Benoit and his new shitty theme music are here; Jeff Jarrett and his shitty dub are also here. They wrestle one another after the shitty themes stop playing. I mean, I listened to “Chosen One” instead because I’m a connoisseur of late ‘90s entrance themes. Sting joins them because this is a triple threat to become the number one contender to the world title after Starrcade. I do like the idea that the three guys who made the final four of the world title tournament, but who didn’t win it, are getting a contendership match against one another. However, this match is absolutely NOTHING. It lasts barely two or three minutes and ends when Sting breaks up a Benoit Crippler Crossface. Liz runs to the ring and gets on the apron; TTP jumps in from the other side and hits Sting in the back with a chair. The ref sees Package get back on the floor and accost Liz, which distracts him and allows Jarrett to hit Benoit with a guitar. Jarrett covers, but the ref is still focused on TTP and Liz and misses Dustin Rhodes running in and clobbering Jarrett with the ring bell; Benoit crawls over and covers Jarrett for three. Russo and Ferrara hate wrestling so much that they just skip whole-ass segments of a wrestling match and go right to the convoluted finish. The Bull flirts with some stripper twins, and he calls Vito over, and this blipment SUCKS. They ditch Okerlund to leave with the twins, but Okerlund’s surrounded by like ten ladies and is fine with that. The third part of our so-called triple main event is going to happen about an hour before this show ends. It’s Kevin Nash vs. Goldberg. Before that, Symphony walks up to the Maestro in their "secret place," but it's actually a crowbar-toting David Flair in a wig. Davey has broken the Maestro’s piano and stashed an unconscious Maestro in the piano's guts. David Flair’s new lunatic gimmick stinks, but eventually his gimmick is that he impregnates like half the women on the roster at some point in 2000 if I recall correctly, so this is still more watchable than that. Kevin Nash shows up alone for his match with Goldberg. Ah, I see, Hall walks up and tries to jump Goldberg as he comes out of his dressing room, but Goldberg is already out of the room and starts walloping Hall from behind. Nash sees this on the TurnerTron according to Tony S., so let’s see if he shows up back here. Wait, we cut to Sid’s locker room door right next to Goldberg's, and what I now understand happened is that Hall locked the door of Sid’s locker room (from the outside?!) BEFORE he tried to jump Goldberg. Sid breaks down the door and helps Goldberg even the odds against Hall and Nash. This is so busy, reader. It’s just pointless overbooked nonsense. Everyone fights onto the stage. Goldberg and Nash eventually make it to the ring, and the match begins. A chair gets involved. Let me just tell you the finish; Bret Hart comes down, takes the chair that Hall is wielding away from him, and clobbers Nash with it. Goldberg lands a spear, then punches Scott Hall off the apron. Sid and Bret stand sentinel as Goldberg hits Nash with a Jackhammer and Mickey Jay runs in to count the three. This crowd was very hot for Goldberg winning that match, even if none of this worked for me at all. Three matches that had to end with a winner by pinfall or submission, three jibber jabber bullshit matches that were overbooked to hell. The Outsiders are pissed at the ass kicking they took and yell into Chavo’s mic that they want Sid and Goldberg in the cage later tonight. Tony S. clarifies that the Hitman and Chris Benoit are also included in that challenge. Okay, whatever. Roddy Piper referees this Mud Pit Match between Liz and Rhonda Singh. Liz argues with Package backstage and refuses to do it, but back at the mud pit, Singh just drags Piper into the mud and slaps him instead. What are we doing here? What is the fucking point of this? Piper rides Rhonda, yanks an onlooking Creative Control into the pit, and counts his own pinfall on someone, who the hell can tell. How did a camera get into Vito and the Bull’s place? They make dinner for these twins as a knockoff of the Godfather theme plays. What in sweet fuck? What would make anyone think that any of this was entertaining? The saving grace of every dumbass segment in this fucking show is that they’re over relatively quickly. One final note: I wouldn’t want to feed a woman who I was planning to have sex with that night a bunch of spicy Italian food. Arn Anderson busts into Russo’s office and complains about getting fired, which cuts off Russo's complaining about Creative Control looking like doofuses in that mud pit segment. Arn targets Hennig for selling out; Hennig says that he likes this spot with Russo way more than the spot Arn offered him in the Horsemen a couple years ago, then kicks Anderson out of the office. Chae busts into Stacy Keibler’s interview and has a CATFIGHT with her. THE WALL, BROTHER meets Jerry Flynn in the BLOCK and kicks the shit out of him. Flynn attempts a cross-arm breaker to win this thing in there, then dodges a TW,B big boot while the crowd boos for this fight going on for fifty years in the back. Flynn throws a barrage of boots and punches, but he punches himself out, and TW,B whips Flynn through some drywall, then misses a big boot. Flynn tries one more barrage of strikes as the boos get louder. Berlyn storms into the boiler room BLOCK and clobbers Flynn with a pipe, then encourages TW,B to get up. TW,B does get up, but he instead goes after Berlyn while holding a pipe of his own. Heenan: I DON’T GET IT. None of us do, buddy. None of us do. Chavo, to a mud-caked Piper: “Based on your first match as a WCW referee, I can tell that you’re not afraid to get down and dirty.” Piper has the audacity to say OHHHH AREN’T WE A FUNNY ONE. Oh, you don’t like jokes now, huh, Piper? Piper admonishes Chavo for being a puppet to the TPtB and says that he wrestled Chavo’s dad and granddad, and they would never have done what TPtB told them to. Piper: WHAT IS YOUR DEAL?! Chavo: “I’m makin’ money.” Chavo is so great. The Outsiders walk by and chuckle at Piper, who beats both of them up for a bit until we cut to… …Curly Bill walking up to Curt Hennig and desperately begging him for a job. Hennig says that he’ll help the guy out. A repentant Total Package tries to make good for Liz not getting in the mud pit and guarantees Russo that whatever he has to do, before the night is over, Liz’ll be covered in mud. Russo books TTP vs. Liz in another mud match. Holy fuck, is this show real? I'm not imagining this, right? Midnight comes to the ring for her match with Curt Hennig. I think Midnight is a solid athlete; she probably just needed to come through in the Performance Center Era to unlock more of what natural ability she has. I think she’s clearly got more potential than Asya, for example. Midnight gets two on a vertical suplex with a bridge, which wakes Hennig up and causes him to unleash a flurry of strikes, some of which are disrespectful slaps. Hennig lands a slam and starts to relax; he locks on an abdominal stretch and, uh, slaps her in her boob a few times? That’s kind of weird and uncomfortable. The lights go out, and when they come back on, Stevie Ray is in the ring; he beats up Hennig for a few seconds before the lights go out again. When they come back on, Curly Bill jumps Stevie Ray from behind. The lights go out one more time, and they come back on to reveal Arn Anderson, who helps clear the ring of Hennig and Bill. The Total Package lugs Liz to the ring over his shoulder. The twins pull a “George Costanza getting picked up on a subway train by a woman who takes him to a hotel room, ties him up, and robs him” on Vito and the Bull. Lash LeRoux and Disco are friends now, I guess. They hired the ladies to honeypot the mobsters, and now they enter the apartment and dump the pot of spaghetti sauce and noodles on Vito and the Bull. Let me just go ahead and plunk this feud on the Worst Feuds list right now. Disco calls Tony Marinara to let him know that his boys didn’t get the job done. Larry Walker sits in the crowd, probably re-evaluating his life after coming to this fucking show. TTP carries Liz out to the stage and orders her into the mud pit. Liz slaps Package; Package tosses Liz in the mud and dumps a bucket of mud on her. Package tries not to get any mud on his nice suit, which he fails at doing after Sting walks out and shoves him from behind, toppling him into the mud pit. Sting does save Package’s expensive jacket for himself…no, wait, he tossed that in, too. Russo and Ferrara think that Vito and the Bull are great characters, but they are sorely mistaken. We go back to them one more time so they can have some final unfunny banter while tied to the bed, covered in sauce. Why the hell is Roddy Piper back out here? You know what, I don’t care. It’s fine. Piper is terrible, but he’s surrounded by enough equally terrible stuff to the point that he doesn’t even stand out that much anymore. I suppose he’s the ref for the three-way tag match between the Outsiders, Sid and Goldberg, and Bret Hart and Chris Benoit. This match actually goes about ten minutes, which is cool, but it’s a mess, just a mass of okay-ish brawling for the most part. It’s funny because most other matches could use more time, but this one got more time and could use less. Jeff Jarrett rolls down a cart full of weapons five minutes in and opens up the same cage door with ease that Dr. Death couldn’t figure out how to get open. He clocks Piper with a guitar shot, and then, haha, he actually brought a cart full of guitars. He hits Goldberg with one, then grabs some handcuffs from his trunks and thwonks Bret Hart with him. The Outsiders handcuff Bret to the cage; Jarrett escapes the cage before Benoit can get to him. That leaves Sid and Benoit still active in the cage along with the Outsiders. Benoit’s dumb ass goes up to the top of the cage to land a diving headbutt on Hall that gets three from a revived Piper. Jarrett comes back in and attacks Benoit, but Goldberg grabs the guy and launches him through multiple sections of the cage, which is cool. Goldberg uses the ropes to leverage his boot choke on Goldberg, and Hall sneaks up from behind and hooks Goldberg for a Razor’s Edge while Nash powerbombs Sid and Jarrett hits the Stroke on Benoit. Bret being handcuffed and out of the way, but not being attacked by Jarrett or the Outsiders is just a bit too obvious, Russo and Ferrara. I’m actually deeply insulted at how stupid and easily entertained that Vince Russo and Ed Ferrara thought that I was when I was a teen, much less how I'd feel as a normal adult. Well, normal-ish. -45 out of 5 Stinger Splashes.

Show #215 - 22 November 1999 “The one that finally turns Sid babyface” This Nitro is the first one that I’m watching on my actual television in this whole watch. My wife is early to sleep, so I figured what the hell, I’ll grab the Chromebook and type on it rather than use it to watch a wrestling show that I’m reviewing. This is kind of exciting! Boy, I’m old. The most innocuous little change in my routine gets me all excited now. Bret Hart is our new WCW World Heavyweight Champion, and he’s headed full steam toward an obvious heel turn even though Benoit/Hitman in the finals in Toronto is ostensibly a feel-good finish to the world title tourney. Jeff Jarrett declares that he’s the Chosen One, and he’s going on the warpath tonight. He walks on purposefully, holding one of his many breakable guitars. The Hitman comes to the ring to crow a little bit. We get stills of the Hitman surviving his bouts with Sting and Benoit at Mayhem to score the title. It’s a little crazy to me that the Hitman only got the big gold about four-ish weeks before he suffers that career-ending injury from Goldberg. The Hitman promises to be the best world champ WCW has ever had, thanks the fans for their support in this trying year, and dedicates this world title victory to Stu. We’re in Detroit, so a few fans from Windsor right across the border are here and start a weak CANADA chant. Bret says that Goldberg got screwed in the Hitman’s first round victory over him and offers him a title shot at Starrcade. The Outsiders wander out to the top of the stage. Hall has a t-shirt on for an airport strip club called the Landing Strip, which is a punny name in multiple ways, actually. Hall pooh-poohs Hart’s vow to be a great champ and basically has a very boring case of verbal diarrhea. Nash takes the mic and says that just because Bret’s t-shirt says he’s the best, that doesn’t make him the best. Nash: “I guess that makes me Joe Boxer.” Hall: “And I’m the Landing Strip” *dudes in crowd pop huge for the mention of the Landing Strip*. OK, that made me laugh. The Outsiders challenge Bret to find Goldberg and tag up with him against them; Bret agrees, and shortly after, Jeff Jarrett jumps into the ring, bashes the Hitman with a guitar, and claims the big gold belt for his own. Unfortunately, I do not have the proper themes pulled up on Youtube, so I have to suffer this awful dubbed Jarrett theme. Other matches for tonight promoted by the commentary team: Konnan and Kidman against Creative Control for the tag belts; Vampiro vs. THE WALL, BROTHER; Booker T. vs. Buff Bagwell; Spice vs. Tygress; and a flag match between Chris Benoit and Dean Malenko. Why is Curt Hennig in this arena? He’s donezo. Hennig talks to Tenay and says that he’s done for good in WCW; he’s honoring the retirement stip, but he’s saying goodbye tonight no matter what TPtB wants. We randomly pan over to Ryan Shamrock chilling with the Maestro as the latter plinks out his entrance theme on the piano. Her name in this run is Symphony, right? I think so. Konnan tries to talk Kidman down from being all aggy over last night’s incident between Eddy Guerrero, Torrie Wilson, and himself; Oklahoma and Dr. Death fire each other up backstage. Shiiiiit, Johnny the Bull and Big Vito are here alongside Tony Marinara. These fellas sort of stink. They do some bad comedy in the locker room based on the Bull and Vito being distracted from terrorizing Disco because they’re hungry. The Total Package declares to Russo that he wants to book Meng vs. Liz tonight in TPtB’s office. Package says that he has control over Liz's bookings because of their shamefully unfair managerial contract. Russo loves that Package is putting the screws to a woman and slaps hands with TTP. Liz sees this on a monitor backstage and, rattled, vows not to take part in that match. Are we going to put the fucking tag belts on Creative Control? This is actually even worse than if they put them on Knobbs and Morrus. CC is so nondescript and boring. At least we'd get some nice fat man top-rope moves from Morrus if he and Knobbs were champs. Konnan and Kidman come down alone. Are the Filthy Animals already going to break up? Some teenager who has never felt the touch of a woman waves around a TORRIE + ME = NAKED SEX. “Naked sex?” Yeah, anyone who writes that phrase has never had sex before, naked or otherwise. CC hits a bunch of offense on Kidman. They do some impact moves, but they don’t read as impactful even as big as these guys are. Kidman’s FIP immediately after the bell rings and gets a hot tag ninety seconds in after a rebound bulldog. Someone puts Kid Cam footage of Eddy macking on Torrie on the TurnerTron, and Kidman takes off, leaving Konnan behind to get dissected and hit with a weak back suplex that earns a three count and the tag titles for Creative Control. WOOF. Meanwhile, Kidman busts into the Filthy Animals’s locker room and attacks Eddy; Dellinger and security mooks break it up. The Hitman tells Mike Tenay that he’s not worried about having a target on his back and promises to put the Outsiders and Jarrett in their places in short order. Goldberg walks up and tells Bret to focus on Jarrett; he’ll take the Outsiders down tonight by his lonesome. This isn’t telegraphing a heel turn; this is sending a barrage of very descriptive text messages about the heel turn. Stacy Keibler - uh, Skye - tries to stop Spice from fighting Tygress later tonight, but Spice insists that it’s going down. Curt Hennig tells Buff that there are no hard feelings for the result of their Loser Must Retire Match at Mayhem and insists that Buff needs to lead the new generation of stars while the Maestro continues to play an elegy for Hennig’s career at the piano. Norman Smiley walks to the ring while wearing in a Lions helmet and Charlie Batch jersey, and of course, his newly won WCW Hardcore Championship as well. Smiley says a few words before his bout about how he fits the definition of the word “hardcore” and dances. Smiley: “How hardcore am I? This morning, I drank milk that was two days past [the] expiration [date].” This dork, heh heh. He offers an open challenge for his title. In a bit of booking that actually makes logical sense, Fit Finlay runs down in street clothes and beats the hell out of Norm, including with Smiley’s own Lions helmet. Finlay’s leg is still scarred to hell. Should he even be working this soon after that injury? It was only three months ago that he almost lost that leg. Finlay finishes his beatdown of Smiley by dismissively tossing the belt at him. The Hitman vs. Jeff Jarrett for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship is a GO for tonight. I recall seeing Bret, Jarrett, Scott Steiner, and Nash in the header for the final Souled Out as a new nWo, so it’ll be interesting to see how they get there from here, maybe. TTP dresses down a pleading, begging Liz in the hallway. Hall makes fun of Goldberg’s likely strategy in their handicap match (SPEAR SPEAR JACKHAMMER JACKHAMMER) and discusses with Nash how the Outsiders are going to take Goldberg out; Nash declares that the “band” is still getting back together, and there’s nothing that Goldberg can do about it. Disco walks up on Chavo trying to sell cheap jewelry to Vito and the Bull and runs away without anyone noticing. Tenay interviews Jarrett backstage, who insists that his loss at Mayhem was merely a blip on his road to being the CHO CHO CHOSEN ONE. New Cruiserweight Champ Evan Karagias holds hands with his lady Madusa as they walk down the ramp. Karagias’s opponent is Saturn, who is seconded by Asya. The camera person really wants to get all in there so we can see Karagias make out with Madusa for some reason. Saturn suplexes Karagias out of that liplock, and then tries to make out with Madusa in turn and is rolled up by Karagias for two. Brad Armstrong comes out in ‘60s garb like a broke-ass version of Van Hammer from a few months ago. He puts down his sign, which says HELL NO, I WON’T GO, and joins commentary, where he declares himself to be Buzzkill. In the meantime, Saturn wraps a Rings of Saturn on Karagias; Madusa tries to break it up after Asya finally realizes that she's supposed to be stopping Madusa from trying to enter the ring and is late to her spot. Madusa ends up going at it with Asya. Saturn and Karagias break things up. I think Karagias submitted, by the way. The segment ends with the women being separated. Kidman, standing next to a sad/annoyed/constipated Torrie Wilson, tells Tenay that Eddy Guerrero stabbed him in the back and that he expects to see Guerrero in the ring later tonight to settle their differences. Eddy is sorry that he tried to bang Torrie, but if Kidman can’t let that go, Eddy’s going to have to beat the shit out of the guy. The Maestro has been playing background music through every backstage interview and talking segment other than the Outsiders’s interview, by the way. No, I don’t know where this is going. Vampiro (w/The Misfits) faces THE WALL, BROTHER (w/Berlyn). Oklahoma and Dr. Death join commentary and do their thing. Their thing still sucks. TW,B beats down Vampiro, but is swarmed by the Misfits after winning an obligabrawl. He escapes any long term damage and gets back in the ring to continue beating down Vampiro. Vampiro manages a comeback and tries to take out TW,B’s wheels. Berlyn hops in the ring right as TW,B is able to goozle Vampiro and slams Vampiro in the back with a chair, drawing a DQ win for Vamp that pisses off TW,B. Berlyn and TW,B square up; Berlyn slaps TW,B, then begs off and runs away as TW,B pursues. Meanwhile, Dr. Death rips off his shirt and beats up a bunch of Misfits in the ring. Vampiro eventually kicks Dr. Death to the floor. This was all a bit much, y’know? Jeff Jarrett, flanked by new tag champs Creative Control, comes to the ring to face Bret Hart, but not before Liz locks herself into that shark cage that the Revolution had Torrie in a couple weeks back so that she can dodge the Meng match. Um, why not just leave the building entirely, sis? I know, I know, EVERYONE LOVES A MILF IN A CAGE, BRO. A limo pulls up before Bret/Jarrett (w/Creative Control), too, but we don't see who is in it yet. Jarrett’s wearing the world title. 2000 was the year where two guys were world champs in two different companies who I just didn’t buy at that level at the time (Jarrett in WCW; Triple H in the WWF). I’m still not sure that I buy HHH at that level, honestly. They just stuck the belt on him so many times that I sort of accepted it, but I don’t think I ever really bought into him. Jarrett, I have come around on as a legit main eventer, even if most of that legit main event stuff wasn’t very good in either WCW or TNA. Anyway, Jarrett and the Hitman brawl inside the ring, then brawl outside the ring. It’s all solid, I suppose. They get back in the ring and, uh, brawl some more before brawling outside the ring again. So many obligabrawls! Hart gets dumped across the guardrail as Grant Hill cackles in the front row. This is a very ‘90s brawl, and you know, it’s cromulent for what it is. The crowd seems engaged with it. It’s just of its time, and that time was 25 years ago. Some things are timeless, of course, like ‘80s Southern tags, but late ’90s brawls aren’t quite at that level, you know? Bret fights out of a sleeper in the ring, and there’s a double-clothesline spot shortly after that. They get to their feet, and Bret wins a punch-up and lands a side Russian and a second-rope elbow for two. He lands a backbreaker next; it only gets two more. The Hitman looks for a superplex, but Jarrett knocks him off the ropes and lands a diving clothesline, then tries a sunset flip that Bret sits down on for two. I am the opposite of shocked that these two are having a fun conventional finishing run. Bret lands a crossbody for two that Jarrett shifts leverage on and gets two of his own. Jarrett tries a dropkick on a rope run, but Bret stops short and tries to lock on a Sharpshooter. Jarrett kicks away and Bret tumbles to ringside. Creative Control surrounds Bret, and as Mickey Jay walks over to warn them away, Dustin Rhodes jumps in the ring from the other side, big gold belt in his hands, and clobbers Jarrett in the dome with it. Bret makes his way back into the ring and covers Jarrett for an academic three count as CC chase Rhodes up the ramp and to the back. I think I liked that, actually, as it picked up there in the finishing run and the overbooking in the finish wasn’t egregious. I sure wish these two would get a longer match with zero interference, though. TTP apologizes to the still caged Liz for losing his temper and says that he’ll get her out of this Meng match. Liz sighs with relief and hands Package the key, which is a huge mistake, come on, sister dear. Package changes his tune and says that he’ll forklift that cage to the ring if he has to because Liz has to learn her lesson. Liz sees Sting walking by and begs him to talk to TTP and get him to call off this Meng match, but Sting’s disinterested in all that. If this Eddy Guerrero/Billy Kidman (w/pleading Torrie - lots of pleading women on this show tonight) match is designed to get Guerrero out of the Filthy Animals, that’s a good idea. He is completely out of place as part of this group. Konnan comes out here with Eddy, pleading with Eddy not to have this match. Kidman dives onto Eddy at ringside while Tony S. claims that TPtB pink slipped an injured Arn Anderson while Arn is in the hospital. Shots fired at that dickhead Eric Bischoff! Also, that’s probably a sign that Ric Flair is going to be back on television soon, feuding with TPtB over Arn being fired. Torrie and Konnan have an animated conversation as they watch Eddy control an obligabrawl with Kidman. Eddy rolls Kidman back into the ring and bullies the guy. He lands a nice back suplex, but doesn’t move to put the guy away. This is a mistake, as he misses a corner charge and is hit with a lariat by Kidman. Control of the match flips back and forth until Eddy headbutts Kidan in the junk on a leapover. As Eddy controls, Dean Malenko and Shane Douglas run down and destroy Konnan, smashing his arm between the ringpost and the stairs. Kidman’s got control now, and he goes up for an SSP, but is stopped by Torrie, who tries to get him to help Konnan. That gives Eddy time to go up, suplex Kidman to the mat, and land a Frog Splash for three. The overbooking has at least made sense and has set up some potential threads for future storylines and matches tonight. Russo actually makes me laugh with his meanness as he gives Creative Control orders backstage. First, he asks which one of them is Patrick, then quickly shrugs off his own question - “Doesn’t matter.” After that, he sends them to find Jim Duggan and reminds them of his characteristics to make him easier to find - “big goof, one kidney.” He also asks CC to figure out who is in the limo that pulled up in the parking lot, but before they can leave, Jeff Jarrett busts into the office and yells at them for not having his back during the finish of his title match. Meng walks to the ring, but Liz is about to be forklifted there! CC tracks down the big goof with one kidney and sends him to Russo’s office. That cutie Spice cuts a pre-match promo with Tenay, but Skye walks up and again pleads for Spice to back out of the match. Spice continues to refuse. Gee, there are three women on Spice’s side of this feud and only two on Tygress’s side. I wonder what Skye will choose to do if Spice refuses to listen to her? Wait, I’m not calling Sharmell “Storm,” so scratch that last sentence: I wonder what Stacy will do if Spice refuses to listen to her? If you like MILFs in cages, BRO, this Meng/Liz match is for you! Meng tries to bust through the cage, then bends the bars back before TTP comes up and offers Meng the key. Meng TDGs Package in response, then rips out a bar of the cage and grabs Liz. Good guy Sting re-thinks his past refusal and runs down, then destroys Meng with the bat. Sting grabs the key, unlocks the cage door, and rolls out. Liz soon follows. Goldberg is having a conversation with someone just off-screen who might be Goldberg’s new partner for the Outsiders match. Duggan is diverted from his trip to Russo’s office by the piano; he barges his way onto the piano bench and plays it extremely poorly as the Maestro and Symphony look on with shock. Lash LeRoux continues his recent mini-feud with Disco Inferno. Disco doesn’t dance his way out here; he stomps out, looking worriedly behind him, and looks for a quick win so that he can escape the arena. He doesn’t get it; the mobsters walk down the ramp and circle the ring. Tony Marinara distracts the ref so that one mobster can trip Lash, accidentally, I guess? I don't know. That spot looked weird. Disco hits an atomic drop and tries a Chartbuster, but Lash shoves out of it. They trade flash pinfall attempts for two counts, but a distracted Disco, looking at the mobsters, gets a boot to the face on a corner charge. LeRoux follows up with a Whiplash for three. No pay windah for Disco tonight, which might be a problem for him since he owes a lot of money to these mob dudes. The mobsters jump Lash after the match, dispose of both he and the ref, and stomp out Disco. Lash grabs a chair and gets in the ring in clear view of Marinara and the Bull, who ignore him so that he can make the save with a series of chair shots. Lash puts Marinara to sleep and then stuffs him into the body bag that Marinara brought for Disco. It wasn’t as cool as when the Undertaker did it to jobbers, let’s say that. Creative Control look at this limo like they’ve never seen one in their lives. During the break, these dolts set off the limo’s alarm and got a couple of cops all up in their grills. Russo lectures Duggan for shitting in his “personal commode.” I thought only Southerners called a toilet a "commode." Duggan apologizes, but Russo has been eating prunes all week, and he left such a shit in his toilet that Duggan’s going to hate cleaning it with the toothbrush that Russo has provided him. There is so much literal shit on these 1999 WCWs shows. And figurative, too! Spice is super adorable. I didn’t rate her at all back in the day, but I was very wrong. She faces Tygress in this match. Spice tries to calm Tygress down, but Tygress hits a very clearly working slap, then a slo-mo drop toehold. After that, it’s a CATFIGHT. Just get to the finish, folks. Wait, no, Spice lands a snapmare in shoes that really aren’t good for balancing enough to land a snapmare. That snapmare was kind of an adventure. Spice takes a poke to the eye, and Stacy comes down with, like, a makeup kit in her hand, maybe? Anyway, Stacy pretends to help Spice out of the ring, then hits her with the makeup kit. She and Tygress paint Spice’s face with makeup after the match. Are we just recycling Randy Savage segments from earlier in the year now? Meng yells at Tenay that Sting put himself in a situation that wasn’t any of his concern, then challenges Sting to a no disqualification match later tonight. Curt Hennig hits the ring to say goodbye. He walks over to the broadcast table, hugs Heenan, and grabs a mic before he actually gets in the ring. He gets in the ring, but finds that he can’t say what’s in his heart and leaves again. The limo door opens in a tease that I don’t really care much about, honestly. Hacksaw cleans an already clean toilet with Vince Russo’s golden toothbrush instead of the red toothbrush that Russo handed him. Yes, this is a thing that happened. Aw, man, Roddy Piper is still in this company? If he was the guy in the limo, I was right not to care about that tease. He does some sports team pandering, so I suppose that he’s a babyface again? Yeah, he is. He runs down TPtB, so Russo turns babyface by having production cut Piper’s mic. Piper gets another mic, but Russo solidifies his babyface turn by having production cut that one, too. Piper tries to get a headset, but is told by Tony S. that TPtB told production to kill his mic, so Piper next accosts a PA and drags him to the back while ranting about wanting a hot mic while the poor kid yells I’M JUST DOIN’ MY JOB. Piper busts into Russo’s office and confronts Creative Control before Russo lets him rant. He calls Russo a “5:30-in-the-morning-looking drag queen.” Boy, this guy is barely suppressing his obsession with the art of drag. And by “barely suppressing,” I mean “not suppressing at all.” Russo then proceeds to completely wash Piper in a promo battle, which tells you how far Piper has fallen. Russo wants Piper to head off to Boca Raton with Flair and Hogan and retire already, so Piper threatens to sue “like a white Johnny Cochran” because he has a two-year contract with Turner. Russo busts Piper down to being a referee and says that Piper had better go fulfill his contract or he’ll be the one getting sued. Piper agrees to take on this role, but he seems to have his own ideas about how he’s going to be approaching this new refereeing gig. After a break, Piper walks out to his limo and, uh, drives off. Buff Bagwell is here for his match against Booker T. No, not the one that ended his career in mainstream pro wrestling. Not yet. Book shoves Buff, who mocks Booker’s roof-raising taunt. Creative Control, foe to both of these guys, come out early on to watch this match, which is an okay back-and-forth affair. Booker bails after eating a dropkick, and Buff follows for a tiny obligabrawl. Back in the ring, Booker hits a Houston Side Kick and a spinebuster. He Spinaroonies up, but CC makes their move and distracts him so that Buff hits a Blockbuster. Buff’s not off the hook, though, and they jump Buff. Hennig comes back down to remonstrate with CC, but hits Buff with a Perfect Plex as Gerald and/or Patrick counts three. Hennig wins a match he wasn’t in. CC tries to stomp out Booker, but Midnight comes in and leaves so much space between her worked punches and the faces of the CC twins that she might as well stop throwing them. Anyway, she and Booker clear the ring. Vince Russo welcomes Curt Hennig to the team and immediately favors him over those goofs in Creative Control; Russo sends the latter to track down Juventud Guerrera. Sting talks to Tenay about Meng, but Liz cuts in and asks Sting to be his manager tonight. Sting isn’t that dumb, though, and he turns her down. Madusa (w/Evan Karagias) is out here to face Asya (w/Saturn). They start with an obligabrawl. My least favorite transition happens when they make it back into the ring, and Asya takes over with a neck vise. In a pretty neat spot, Madusa counters it by lifting Asya into Electric Chair position and dropping her. Madusa lands some kicks and a missile dropkick, but Asya catches Madusa when she goes up again, slams her to the mat, and scores a submission with a headscissors, which frankly is a believable finish for her with those quads. Dean Malenko is like I HATE CANADIANS AND I HATE THEIR FLAG, AND I WILL TORCH ONE LATER TONIGHT. Malenko: O CANADA, BURN CANADA, BURN. He tried really hard, and I’m giving him credit for the attempt. Actually, that flag match is next. Malenko is down first; Benoit follows. Tony S. and Heenan shout out Gordon Solie, who is ill and will pass away about eight months from the original airing of this show. Benoit chokes Malenko with Malenko’s hockey jersey, then goes outside and grabs the gasoline canister. He snot rockets Malenko and stands around with the cage, which allows Malenko to low blow him and then, uh, not get any control because Benoit takes over with chops. Benoit shoots Malenko into the opposite corner, then misses a wild splash. That miss doesn’t matter; Malenko goes for the Canadian flag, and Benoit quickly recovers and puts him in Tree of Woe position. Basically, Malenko struggles to do much at all against Benoit, but he lands a sneak Hot Shot and gets the Canadian flag to win the match, then beats Benoit with it. What the hell was this? The rest of the Revolution comes to the ring as Malenko dumps the flag in a barrel, covers it with gasoline, and prepares to burn it…until they also take the American flag and dump it in the barrel, too, then prepare to burn the whole deal. The Hitman runs in and makes the save before they can do it, though. This was very stupid. Juventud Guerrera is told by Russo that his work visa has expired, so Juvi tries to ply him with tequila shots. Russo hates the tequila so much that he spits it out and needs to brush his teeth with his special golden toothbrush RIGHT NOW. This is the alignment-flipped, goofy comedy version of Flair making Bischoff do shitty jobs and Bischoff finding ways to get back at Flair. Meng clubbers Sting as soon as the latter makes it into the ring for their match. Liz comes out to watch twenty seconds in. Meng dominates Sting while a fan waves a sign that makes me laugh: MR. DAVID FLAIR IS A TRUE GENTLEMAN. Liz tries to line Meng up for a mace shot, but Sting cuts all that nonsense out. He’s got this one under control, or so he thinks. He lands a couple of Stinger Splashes, which is when The Total Package comes out to talk to Liz. Sting turns his attention to the Package, which allows Meng to get the jump on Sting and lock on a TDG for the three count. Liz tries to check on Sting, but Sting pushes her away from him, irritated. Goldberg calls for his mystery partner on his way to the ring. David Flair hates the Maestro’s music and destroys his piano with a crowbar while yelling MAKE IT STOP, like the true gentleman he is! The Outsiders are here for our Nitro main event. This show has missed Sid, who I assume will be Goldberg’s tag partner after they learned mutual respect via the process of multiple brutal beatings of one another. Also, some rental cars got crushed. That's the price you pay for respect sometimes. Or maybe I’m wrong and it’s the Hulkster, but Sid would make sense because Goldberg has to respect him after the Havoc match. And I suppose also after that lame Mayhem match that needed five more minutes, and a way better layout, and a more creative finish. Yup, it’s Sid! Commentary tries to pretend that Sid’s going to jump Goldberg from behind until Sid and Goldberg hit the high ten. My only complaint is that this should have happened three or four weeks ago. Sid is having fun out there being a babyface, and he plays a little FIP after pushing around Scott Hall. Some fan has a sign that says WCW: IT’S FUN AGAIN. I get that the difference in these RFE shows, which is throwing a lot of spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks, could make a fan feel better about this show compared to the last few months. Sid hits a big boot on Nash to bail himself out of trouble, then tags in Goldberg. Goldberg has little problem dominating Nash, who has to yank him by his trunks into the buckles out of desperation to get room. Nash tags in Hall, who quickly loses control of this match. Nash interferes from outside the ring to try and tilt the match; Hall uses that interference to hit a lariat for two. Nash tags back in and lands a series of corner elbows, then a boot choke. He tags back out to Hall, who is foolish enough to paintbrush Goldberg before trying a front facelock that Goldberg works up from quickly. Goldberg forces Hall back, but Nash distracts the ref, who misses the tag. Goldberg almost immediately double-clotheslines both Outsiders, and Sid just jumps in and beats the hell out of both Outsiders anyway. He lands a Chokeslam to Hall before Goldberg jumps back in and amplifies the pain with a spear. Sid powerbombs Hall and covers, but Nash, dumped from the ring, re-enters and drops an elbow on Sid; Hall covers, uh, for three? What kind of finish was that? Security breaks up the post-match melee. This wasn’t a good show, but I did like parts of it, mostly Bret/Jarrett. The finishes are somehow even worse than they were under Bischoff and Nash, though. Anyway, this was actually watchable in spots, if below mediocre and nonsensical in too many segments overall. -1.5 out of 5 Stinger Splashes.

I owe you something, but I've been immersed in WCW lately, so I'll have to be uncreative and go to the ol' master list I've been making of Nitro Era stuff that I liked (and also didn't like, but I wouldn't do that last one to you). I thought this Four Corners Match between Rey, Psicosis, Juvi, and Blitzkrieg was great fun and listed it as one of my top matches from the Nitro Era. I hope that you enjoy it as well. https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x8ccwy9

My affection for Saturn as a wrestler doesn't even take into account that real life story. That's one guy whose GFM I'd gladly give to. I do well remember the Mamalukes from when I went back to watching WCW. I recall finding them faintly annoying, but mostly boring. And I hated Reno's Roll of the Dice before hating the Roll of the Dice was cool!

Okay, since other people mentioned Sid/Goldberg, I think their Havoc '99 match is great, and if you catch the last two weeks of build to the match (including the awesome stuff on Havoc itself before the match even happens), that amplifies it to extremely great. I strongly feel that it's one of the great WCW bouts that people overlook.

Mayhem ’99 notes: Ah, here we are at the first fully-booked Russo-Ferrara PPV. The show begins with the same recap of the tournament that appeared on the previous Thunder. Three hours of Russo-Ferrara wrestling show booking sounds like something that might actually re-wire my brain. I’m risking my neurological health for the purposes of recording WCW’s continuing deterioration in quality for posterity. I’m, like, the most hardcore historian ever. It’s weird that (according to Wikipedia) there’s never been a WWF PPV in Scotiabank Arena, no? Huh, Scott Hall vs. Rick Steiner in a title-vs.-title match has been added to this show. I suppose I finally know how the TV title got this part of its illustrious champion history: Scott Hall > trash can > Jim Duggan This crowd WANT[S] BRET, but they get Chris Benoit, which is almost as good as far as they're concerned. He faces Jeff Jarrett in a world title tournament semifinal. I think he’s got a new theme, but I was late to un-muting this because Kid Rock might suck, but this Kid Rock knockoff is a great theme for Jarrett, and the dub is boring as fuck. They go at a pace to start, renewing their rivalry from late 1996, and Benoit gets an early two count on a DDT, then continues to run circles around Jarrett and hits a reverse neckbreaker for two more. Jarrett and Benoit just have such good chemistry together. Benoit gets a third two-count off a superplex, then beats Jarrett down in a brief obligabrawl until Jarrett hits Benoit with the ringpost atomic drop. That’s a great spot, but I haven’t seen anyone sell it nearly as painfully as X-Pac did at Summerslam ’98. Jarrett takes over for a spot of control now. Jarrett scores a nice floatover powerslam for two; he follows up with a stalling vertical for two more. Jarrett and Benoit trade flash pinfall attempts for two; Jarrett is up first, and in true WCW heel fashion, he lands a clothesline to wrest control firmly back into his favor. The pace slows for the first time all match when Jarrett locks on a sleeper hold. Benoit eventually fights out of it and tries to run again, but Jarrett stuffs that with a shoulderblock. However, he unwisely shoots Benoit in, and Benoit uses the uptick in match pace to evade Jarrett and lock on a sleeper of his own that Jarrett immediately kills with a jawbreaker. There’s a standing ten count, and Jarrett just gets to his feet ahead of Benoit, but Benoit is able to block Jarrett’s haymakers and land an inverted atomic drop; then, he hits some chops and ducks another wild Jarrett haymaker that flips Jarrett into perfect position for rolling Germans. The third rolling German gets two, and this match has been good enough that even these worthless bums Creative Control walking down to lend to an overbooked finish won’t keep it off one of my good lists. Jarrett is able to manage a Hot Shot that Benoit takes a bump all the way to the floor on; CC stands sentinel as Jarrett makes the decision to go after Benoit on the floor and finish him in the ring. Jarrett tosses Benoit in, then goes up for a diving crossbody that Benoit rolls through for two. Jarrett is up quickly and tries a sunset flip, but Benoit again sits down on it for two. Jarrett is able to send Benoit chest-first into the buckles, but Benoit flips out of Jarrett’s back suplex attempt and nails one of his own; he drags his thumb across his throat and goes up top. His diving headbutt scores, and he covers for one, two, and no more as Patrick and/or Gerald drags him off the cover. While Patrick and/or Gerald is admonished by ref Charles Robinson, Gerald and/or Patrick slides into the ring on the other side and assaults Benoit. Jarrett is able to land a Stroke, and he covers for one, two, and not three when Dustin Rhodes comes out of the stands and pulls Jarrett off the cover. Dustin brawls with Pa/oG while Ga/oP and Jarrett fail to connect on a dual attack with the guitar. Ga/oP drops the guitar, and Benoit wrenches it away from Jarrett, swings for the fences, and pulls a Vlad Guerrero. His cover gets three before CC can jump in the ring and help a split-open Jarrett destroy Benoit after the match. Great match even with the overbooked finish, but Benoit vs. Jarrett is almost guaranteed to be excellent in any form. Disco Inferno asks Tenay about the dollar value of his Cruiserweight Championship in the back, but Creative Control and Jeff Jarrett bust in and kick the shit out of Disco in mindless anger. Oops, they did it right before his match against Evan Karagias (w/Madusa). At least Madusa figured out that she’s in Canada, so instead of American flag patterns on her clothing, she’s wearing red tights with stars on them. That’s more Soviet than Canadian, but whatever. Tony Marinara yells at Disco to get his ass up and get out there because Disco desperately needs to hit the pay windah tonight and get a much needed cash infusion. Karagias runs into the aisle and takes it to Disco, then brings him back to the ring and lands a dropkick for two. Tony Marinara’s not well mic’ed when he hits the commentary desk, but when his mic starts working, I wish it hadn’t. Marinara calls Disco “Glen Gilbertti” and pretty much threatens the guy if Disco/Glen doesn’t win this thing. In the meantime, Disco looks totally cooked. He hasn’t hit one iota of offense, and doesn’t until he barely stuffs a Karagias headscissors takeover and stomps a mudhole. Canadians don’t give a fuck about Karagias, but they do enjoy Disco’s dancing. This match is okay, honestly. It goes back and forth, and Disco gets up from a two count on a flash pinfall by Karagias and clotheslines the guy, and maybe don’t run that spot every fucking match, fellas. What is this, Road Wild ’99? Anyway, Disco goes up for a second-rope elbow, blows a kiss to Madusa, and then lands it for two. GOD, exclaims Disco when Karagias kicks out, WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO? How about winning an obligabrawl, Disco? Ah, there we go, he tries to after tossing Karagias to the floor, but he dives into a counter-dropkick and gets rolled back into the ring for two. The crowd starts a BO-RING chant, which I’m bummed about because it’s only going to encourage Russo and Ferrara to book shorter matches. This PPV has been kinda fun so far! Don’t fuck the next three months of PPVs up for everyone, Canada! Disco still can’t get a pinfall; he goes outside and tries to get a kiss from Madusa. She lures him in and slaps him. Karagias takes over as Tony Marinara tries to hit on Madusa. Karagias breaks off and confronts Marinara; Disco grabs a chair and tries to run down Karagias from behind with it, but Evan moves and Disco hits Marinara. Karagias grabs Disco, tosses him into the ring, and lands a springboard crossbody for the three, the Cruiserweight Championship, and twenty-five thousand dollars in the bargain. Karagias makes out with Madusa while Disco carries Marinara out over his shoulder. Again, WCW is known for overbooking its finishes, but this was fine, and the match, while not great, was perfectly cromulent besides. Bret Hart has just arrived at the arena for his match. He sips coffee from Starbucks, I think, based on the sleeve. Starbucks is terrible, but even a proud Canadian like Bret Hart would rather drink Starbucks over Tim Horton’s. That should tell you something. Western Canada has the superior province-wide coffee shops compared to Eastern Canada, in fairness. I bet Bret’s struggling without a Waves Coffee nearby. Russo yells at Jarrett for fucking up the game and tells him that he’d better make it up later tonight. Jarrett yells YOU WANT IT, YANKEE, YOU GOT IT like he’s a Confederate general about to march on Manassas. Norman Smiley is a real tough hardcore guy dressed in hockey goalkeeper pads who freaks out during his interview with Gene Okerlund because someone dropped a wrench nearby. In fairness, that sound did sort of mimic the glass shattering, so maybe Norm was just worried about eating a Stone Cold Stunner. Brian Knobbs (w/Jimmy Hart) faces Screamin’ Norman Smiley. Smiley gets a cheap pop because he’s got a Maple Leafs jersey on. Hey, there’s a hardcore belt, finally! What they did with the design is to illustrate the world itself as covered in barbed wire and to have KEWL font for the lettering on the face plate. They tried to do a neat visual approach with this design, but it doesn’t have nearly the panache of the cracked Winged Eagle that’s been hastily stuck back together with a roll of tape. The WWF Hardcore Championship, the first one, at least, is one of my favorite title designs ever. Anyway, here’s another trash brawl. The crowd is awake for it, though. Norm screams as Knobbs batters him with a trash can, then a broom, then a trash can again. Norm eventually gets the hockey stick and slapshots Knobbs’s face with it, then tries to Big Wiggle on Knobbs’s massive behind before getting ball shotted. Knobbs loosens Smiley’s shin guards, but Smiley escapes after Knobbs only gets one off; he rolls outside, where Jimmy Hart climbs on his back. How many trash can lid shots can possibly be entertaining? I miss the hell out of Hak. That guy actually had wrestling matches in between weapon shots. These fellas wander up the aisle and go backstage, where they trade some more weapon shots. This is so boring, man. This is a zero. There is an art to weapons brawls, and most of the guys in WCW don’t get it. But Toronto loves this thing! Every time Norman screams, the crowd chuckles. They OHH for every weapon shot, damn near. OK, the finish is actually pretty creative: They brawl into an elevator, and the door closes right before Jimmy Hart can swing his trash can; he swings it into the now-closed door. Hart slams on the call button, and the door re-opens. Hart swings again, but hits Knobbs instead of Smiley, and Smiley covers for three. Knobbs destroys Smiley and Hart both after the match, but Screamin’ Norman is the inaugural WCW Hardcore Champion. Uh, I mean, unless you count Fit Finlay. Recap: This Filthy Animals/Revolution feud has been crappy, but not flat-out crappy enough to make my Worst Feuds list…yet. Shane Douglas tells Tenay that he’s not worried about what if Asya has to go one-on-three with the Filthy Animals; he rather thinks Torrie is the one in danger. Malenko and Saturn do their two-man comedy act, and it’s sort of growing on me, I think? Malenko says that asking what if is a question that historians have pondered, and Saturn cuts in to ask, “What if the dinosaurs were still alive?” Saturn: TONIGHT, WE’RE GONNA EXTERMINATE THE FILTHY ANIMALS, JUST LIKE WE DID THE DINOSAURS. OH, I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKIN’. MAN WASN’T ALIVE WHEN THE DINOSAURS WERE. ALL I’M TRYIN’ TO SAY IS, WHAT IF?! That got a genuine laugh out of me. Saturn is legit one of my favorite pro wrestlers. I just adore the guy. I’ll say more about him when he leaves the company in a couple of months, but re-watching this stuff has planted him squarely on my personal list of all-time favorites. Okerlund talks to the Filthy Animals. Konnan does his FEEL IT – THAT’S ENOUGH thing with Gene, but he makes me laugh because he says “What is it, Gene, the belt or the hat?” and without missing a beat, Gene responds, “The hat.” Both of them get credit for that one. Disco apologizes to Tony Marinara backstage, but Marinara says that tomorrow on Nitro, he’s “bringin’ da boys.” So, Big Vito’s on his way, then? Alright, let’s knock out this Eddy Guerrero/Billy Kidman/Torrie Wilson vs. Saturn/Dean Malenko/Asya match. Shane Douglas joins commentary, unfortunately. Eddy and Kidman take down Asya after getting rid of Saturn and Malenko. The match turns into a conventional match after this, and I think the Canadians are bored again, maybe? No, a pocket of them are chanting for Torrie rather than chanting BORING, it seems. At this point in the proceedings, I disagree with either of those chants, whichever one it was. Some fan with a Canadian flag pokes Malenko with it and security marches him out, but the way they linger on it screams “plant.” Who knows, with WCW. Meanwhile, Torrie bashes Asya’s head into the mat in extremely slow motion, then sells an ankle injury. Eddy checks on her and shoves Kidman away blindly when Kidman comes over to check as well. Kidman stumbles back into a rollup from Malenko for three. Eddy and Kidman shove each other around while the crowd chants EDDY. I agree with that one. Anyway, every group needs consistent discord in a Russo and Ferrara-run company, so whatever. Konnan marches away from ringside shortly after. What in the hell is going on here? This is the first match that has actually sucked because they went straight to overbooking things without having a good wrestling match first. The crowd applauds for an Asya vertical suplex of Eddy. I think this thing is bad enough that, yeah, I’m going to have to list the Filthy Animals/Revolution feud on the Worst Feuds list. I just think I’ve dreaded these segments and matches too much to be into it. Eddy eliminates Malenko on a rana out of nowhere. Asya and Saturn work Eddy over for a while, but Saturn whiffs on a superkick after Eddy ducks while Asya holds him. Eddy backdrops Saturn to the floor, then goes up and lands a Frog Splash on Asya for three, eliminating her. The Filthy Animals’s music plays, then stops suddenly. Saturn attacks Eddy, and lets see if production cued the winner’s music up a bit early because they forgot that Saturn was still in the match. I think the Canada starts chanting for the Rock, maybe? Douglas: SHUT UP, CANADA. I don’t know, folks, this match is just a bit much. Saturn and Eddy work entirely too hard for this goofy match, and I’m glad that they’re going to get off this sinking ship in a couple of months. Saturn drills Eddy with a DVD, but that move has been de-powered lately, so Eddy kicks out at two. Eddy crawls over for a tag, but then realizes that dopey-ass Torrie is his only legal partner, so instead of tagging, he tries a rana and gets two. Next, he tries a dive, but Saturn rolls through into a Rings of Saturn and gets the submission elimination. Alright, we’re down to Saturn vs. Torrie. Torrie manages to kick Saturn in the balls, covers, and gets two; in response, Saturn forearms Torrie in the vagina and covers for three. Tony S. “Well, I can only assume that hurt.” Yeah, I’m going to guess that no matter which are your most private of parts, it hurts to get forearmed in them! DUD, terrible, a waste of good talent. Jeff Jarrett and Creative Control jump Buff Bagwell in his locker room and beat him down. Curt Hennig faces Buff Bagwell in a Loser Must Retire Match. Whoever loses, we all win! Hennig makes his way to the ring, but Buff doesn’t initially make it out when his entrance music starts. Will he show?! Nope. Jeff Jarrett and Creative Control walk out here. This is a mistake because I like Jarrett, but this is already too much Jarrett on this show. And I can’t stand Creative Control, so this is far too much Creative Control. They beat down Hennig for a while, but Buff runs down with a 2x4 and chases them off. Hennig then jumps Buff as Buff stares down Russo’s boys. A fairly sizeable group of Torontonians starts chanting PERFECT, so I think they’ve chosen their rooting interest. They have an uninspired obligabrawl during which Buff completely whiffs on a double-axe. This show had a really good opener, a decent second match, a nothing third match with a neat finish…basically, we’ve been trending downward with each match, though hopefully, we hit a valley halfway through and then peak again in the main event. This match stinks and should be even shorter than it is, a rare thing in the Russo-Ferrara Era. About the time Hennig locks on a sleeper, I wonder why Ed Ferrara seems to get off scot free for the booking of these shows and Russo is like the central guy who gets blamed for most everything? I get that Russo is unlikeable, but the general wrestling commentariat tags him with stuff that Nash and Bischoff are responsible for and also tags him for every idea from this era, maybe including that Oklahoma nonsense. Anyway, I’m bored. Let’s get to the finish. I mean, this goes on forever and a day. Back and forth and back and forth. There should be suspense on this surprise Hennig small package that gets two, but no one cares. Buff lands a Blockbuster out of almost nowhere for three. Bobby Heenan tries to feel emotion about his former client losing his career, but he’s checked out entirely. Toronto applauds Hennig even though this angle won’t matter by tomorrow, probably, because Toronto loves themselves an ‘80s or early ‘90s WWF star. Sting talks to Mike Tenay about his semifinal match against the Hitman. The Stinger says that Bret must realize that Sting should still be the champ anyway and that Bret having home-arena advantage in Canada doesn’t change that Sting's really still the true champ. Actually, Goldberg should be the champ, but don’t let that stop you from popping off, Stinger. The Hitman comes to the ring to a nice ovation to face off with Sting. Bret hits the ring while wearing a Canadian National Men’s Hockey Team jersey for full effect. Sting follows, and this crowd seems sort of muted for his entrance, which is weird. Sting’s wrestling in a t-shirt, which is also weird. The shirt has his own face on it. Who is he, Bam Bam Bigelow? They shove each other and get all testy. Bret wins a punch-up, and the crowd explodes. Hell, they pop big for Bret raking Sting’s eyes across the top rope. People make fun of the Hitman for acting like he was the number one Canadian wrestling representative, but he actually was the number one Canadian wrestling representative. I can report that even today, if you want to get a friendly smile or comment from a Canadian, wearing a Hitman t-shirt will probably get you one. Also, wearing a Randy Savage t-shirt will probably get you one. Canadians love the hell out of Randy Savage. So do most people, I'd suppose, regardless of nationality. Sting comes back with stomps and strikes. His OWWWW is met with boos, a middle finger, and one Canadian in a Sting mask and nWo tee cheering for him. That’s pretty funny. Anyway, this match is watchable, but Sting and Bret just don’t click in the way I'd hope on PPV. Sting hits a low blow and goes back to the ol’ stomp-choke. An elbowdrop gets two for the Stinger, who goes right to the chinlock. Bret fights up and breaks away, but runs himself right into a kneelift. Sting lands another elbow for two, then dumps the Hitman outside for an obligabrawl. Sting tries a Stinger Splash on Hart as the Hitman is slumped against the announcers’ table, but Hart moves. That’s about the most interesting thing that happens before Sting regains control and sends the match back to the ring. Sting charges the Hitman, who gets a boot up; Bret tries to follow with a diving elbow, but Sting yanks Mickey Jay into the way to cause a ref bump. That should be a DQ win for the Hitman, but we need to have TTP and Liz run down so that Package can hit Sting in the knee with a baseball bat (to a pop!). Package tries again, but Bret yanks the bat away, hits him with it, and locks him in a Sharpshooter. Package taps out while Jay calls for the bell, correctly, since Sting cheated. I mean, he calls for the bell because he thinks Package attacked the Hitman, so that’s wrong, but calling for the bell in general is the correct move. Bret demands that the match is re-started, and he and Sting go back at it. O-VER-BOOK-ING *clap clap clapclapclap*. This is fucking dumb. Not every match needs some wild shit in it! Two guys can just wrestle a straightforward bout sometimes! When every match has a special bit of interference, those special spots rapidly become un-special! Sting and the Hitman actually have a cromulent finishing run in which Sting puts the Hitman in the Scorpion Death Lock, but the Hitman reverses it by punching Sting in the knee that Package injured and inducing a tap out. The finish, while good in a vacuum, falls apart after you think about it for a couple of seconds. The honorable babyface Hitman didn’t want to win by cheapie Package interference, but he was fine with using the injury that Package caused during that cheapie interference to win! Makes sense! Makes so much sense! Sting calls the Hitman back into the ring and turns babyface again by shaking hands with Bret. Or maybe not. SHADES OF GRAY, BRO! Chris Benoit talks backstage with Okerlund about his big finals match against Bret Hart. I’ll give Russo and Ferrara this much: They are booking the title tournament for the crowd they have in front of them. Kudos to them for that. If Vince were booking this, Jarrett would be facing Sting in the finals. TTP pretends that he has a neck injury from that last run-in while talking to Tenay backstage; he illustrates to Tenay that he’s now in a cervical collar, then pulls a stereotypical Canadian move by apologizing profusely. In this case, he’s apologizing for not being able to wrestle Meng later tonight. He promises to write a check to compensate every fan in the building for not getting to see him wrestle as promised. Package is pretty good at this chickenshit heel thing! Vampiro (w/Jerry Only) faces Berlyn (w/THE WALL, BROTHER) next. Aw, shit, fucking Oklahoma and Dr. Death soon follow. I didn’t realize that this match in the ring was a dog collar match. Maybe I missed that somewhere along the way during the build. Berlyn knocks out ref Charles Robinson before he can hook the collar on, and TW,B jumps Vampiro. I guess this is a tornado tag match, now? Who knows or cares, really. I hope someone crams that bottle of barbecue sauce Oklahoma is carrying down his fucking throat. No dice, though. That guy just keeps repeating words three times and talking about imaginary football backgrounds of wrestlers because the joke, if you repeat it, only gets funnier! Just keep repeating yourself, Ferrara, you absolute dipshit. It’s absurd that I feel this way, but I almost feel something like searing hatred for this dude. And not “I want to see him get beaten up by a babyface” hatred, but “I hope a fan wielding a knife cuts him in half” kind of hatred. BOY, I don’t think I’ve hated a gimmick or its performance this much in a long, long time. Berlyn insists on getting the pinfall himself, so TW,B walks out on him. That leaves Berlyn at a marked disadvantage since Jerry Only is still out here with Vampiro. Only and Vampiro combine to kick the shit out of Berlyn; Vampiro earns a submission victory with a chain assisted Camel Clutch before Dr. Death runs in and beats down Vampiro and Only to crickets. SUPER DUD. What a terrible segment. Mike Tenay catches up with new double-champion Scott Hall in the back; apparently, Rick Steiner didn’t make his title defense since he's still recuperating from that Sid powerbomb he took right through the Nitro stage. Hall laughs about both Steiner Brothers being in the hospital, then makes an open challenge to the locker room. Curt Hennig walks out of the arena as Norman Smiley and Konnan see him off. Kimberly walks into the arena. No one sees her into it at all. The Total Package (w/Liz) has been ordered to work this match with Meng by the TPtB, which is a shame because it’s almost certainly not going to be very good. Some bored Canadian yells RETIRE at Package, but I think TTP has a lot of value, though he probably needs to be in a tag team at this point in his career for maximum proper usage. Package doesn’t get a single chance to beg off, and Meng clubbers him. It’s pretty solid clubbering, actually. Luger scores an eye rake and a vertical suplex while some persistent Canadian neo-Nazi keeps trying to get his 14:88 sign on the hard cam. It’s been all night with that guy. Yeah, we get it, you’re a Creative Control fan in the most insidious of manners, but please move on. Ah, I see why Package has the neck brace on; it helps him block the TDG. Meng stops trying to apply it and goes to a boot choke while TTP yells for HELP! Package trying to step into the “sneakfuck cowardly heel” void left by Chris Jericho’s absence isn’t the worst thing in the world! This match isn’t, like, good. I wouldn’t say it’s charming or unique. Package is definitely entertaining me, though. Anyway, Liz misses badly on a mace shot and sprays Package. He’s so hurt that he can’t defend against Meng ripping off his collar and is a sitting duck for a TDG that actually gets a tiny pop; Meng wins it with ease. Bret Hart talks backstage with Okerlund about his big finals match against Chris Benoit. A pained Package walks through the back during the interview yelling for Liz. David Flair polishes his crowbar in the back. I’ll leave it up to you to figure out if what I typed in that previous sentence was a) figurative, b) literal, or c) they teased the figurative version of the act and panned around to show that it was actually literal. Scott Hall makes his way out for this open challenge. He does some cursory mic work and promises that Kevin Nash is on his way to the arena. Booker T.’s music plays, then stops, then plays again. I can’t imagine that Booker’s going over. Honestly, I’m not sure that Booker wins the U.S. Championship until the last month of WCW’s existence, well after he’s won the World Championship multiple times. Anyway, this is barely a match because Jeff Jarrett and Creative Control run in and attack Booker after a handful of minutes, right after Booker survives a bunch of Hall offense (including being on the wrong end of an obligabrawl) and makes a comeback. Book dispatches of CC and goes after Jarrett, which allows Hall to sneak a Razor’s Edge for three. Book gets stomped out after the match, but Midnight makes the save. I guess we got our one good match for the night with Jarrett/Benoit, and maybe if we’re patient, we’ll get a second one out of Hitman/Benoit at the end of the night. Luger is still looking for Liz, and it’s impossible to know if anything will come of this. Recap: The Flairs and the Pages is like the Hatfields and the McCoys, practically. Can you believe that there are still forty-five minutes left in this fucking show? I blame the crowd for getting vocally bored in the middle of match number two. That led to the rest of this show. I don’t know how, but it did. I am praying that this David Flair/Kimberly feud will end after tonight, but I’m probably not that lucky. Kimberly walks down and is entirely not dressed for a wrestling match. Who does she think she is, Jacquelyn? She looks awfully confident as she comes to the ring; she lewdly stretches her calves and hamstrings as the fellas in this crowd vocally go full horndog. Flair walks over to lock up, and Kim kicks him in the nuts. Dave indicates that he’s got a cup on, grabs the crowbar, and knocks ref Nick Patrick out with it. Davey then walks over and prepares to whack a pleading Kimberly with the crowbar while some fans, which I think include a few ladies, chant SUCK IT. 1999, everyone! Kim considers it and actually is like, Yo, what if I did blow you, Dave? Would that mollify you? She reaches down Dave’s pants…and yanks his cup out, then punts him in the balls again. Kim kicks Dave in the ribs a couple of times, then makes him sniff his own cup before mounting Dave and throwing slaps that threaten to cause her to pull a Jacquelyn. Dave tosses her away, but Kanyon tears down the ramp and side Russians Flair the Younger, then stops him before he can swing the crowbar again and beats him up. DDP limps down, and even though Dave manages to recover enough to hit Kanyon in the nuts with the crowbar, Page drills Dave with a Diamond Cutter. DDP grabs the crowbar and prepares to break Dave’s ankle with it; Arn Anderson runs down, wrenches the crowbar away, and backs Page off. Most importantly, SELF HIGH FIVE plays because the censors missed it. Also somewhat importantly, Dave hits Arn in the kidney with the crowbar, then takes off through the crowd. Oh man, this was some truly dire television! So bad! So, so bad! It’s possible that Goldberg and Sid could have an amazing I Quit Match. People don’t think of either of these guys as great pro wrestlers, but I do. I have a wider definition of “greatness” in pro wrestling, maybe. I don’t care if Sid throws goofy punches or whatever. Yeah, the agent who helped them put together their Havoc match also deserves credit; yes, wrestling is collaborative beyond the guys in the ring. Still, Sid and Goldberg are great, and that match is my Exhibit A. However, with the booking style that Russo and Ferrara want to establish, there’s almost zero chance that this match will be anywhere near as good as that one. Sid talks to Mike Tenay and vows never to say “I quit” in this upcoming bout. Weirdly, though the censors dubbed over Jarrett’s theme, they didn’t manage to dub over DDP’s or Sid’s. I bet said censor assigned to this show gave up on watching it about four matches in, and I can’t entirely blame them. The problem is that this show is loaded with talent, but other than Sid/Goldberg and the promise of a Hitman/Benoit rematch, Mayhem is filled with crappy feuds that were built poorly. Sid and Goldberg trade blows to start, and Goldberg gets the best of things with a powerslam. Sid gets right back to his feet, and the brawl spills outside, where a GOLDBERG SUCKS chant fires up because we’re in Toronto, and the crowd is partial to Syko Sid, understandably. It dies down, though. They obligabrawl, then go back to the ring, where Sid hits a Shinonomake Slam to a light SID chant. Sid chokes Goldberg with a boot; the SID chant gets slightly louder. Sid locks on a goozle and hits a chokeslam to a pop. Sid looks for another one and gets it. Sid is languid about continuing his assault, and Goldberg locks on an armbar as the GOLDBERG SUCKS chant fires up here in Bizarroland WWF country. Then, in a wet fart of a sudden finish, Goldberg locks on a sleeper and Sid goes night-night. The match ends because Sid is out cold even though this is an I Quit Match. What in fuck? Why. WHY. WHYYYYYYYY book an I QUIT MATCH if you don’t want EITHER GUY to quit?! WHY THE FUCK. WOULD YOU BOOK YOURSELF. INTO THAT PARTICULAR CORNER. FUCK OFF ONCE MORE, WCW. TTP talks to Okerlund and basically threatens Liz for screwing up; he plans to see her at Nitro. At least Bret Hart and Chris Benoit meeting for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship will get a good amount of time, around twenty-ish minutes or so. Benoit’s new music sucks, by the way. Benoit and Bret tangle in the corner and ref Charles Robinson has to step in and break it. They lock up again and Benoit hits a snap arm drag. Bret resets and they collar-and-elbow one more time, with Bret again shoving Benoit back into the corner. They try a Greco-Roman knuckle lock, and Bret wins that and works an arm wringer. Benoit works to his feet, gets Bret in motion and hits him with a kneelift, then another. Benoit goes to the chinlock, which Bret immediately uses his weight to shift into a pinfall attempt for two. The crowd chants LET’S GO BRET as Benoit and Bret run the ropes. Benoit wins a shoulderblock, then runs again and tries a sunset flip. Bret rolls through and tries a Sharpshooter, but Benoit grabs an arm and tries a Crippler Crossface. Bret escapes, and both men regard one another and shake hands. See, that’s how you do a proper standoff. Bret regains control and lands a handful of lifters in the corner. He tries to shoot Benoit into the other corner, but Benoit reverses and then, in a COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY run-in, that fan who poked Malenko in the gut with his flagpole enters the arena again, but this time, it actually is Malenko himself. So, wait, hold up: Malenko hired a plant to antagonize him and get kicked out so that…he could dress up as the plant who was already ejected from the arena and attack Benoit in the final? That makes no logical sense. None. Zero, zip, zilch, nada. You could have just, I don’t know, had Malenko jump out of the crowd without all the nonsensical setup. Bret goes out and punches Malenko until Malenko is led out; then, the Hitman lands a piledriver on Benoit back in the ring. What in fuck, man. This match is still good, but that spot was entirely superfluous. This idea that shit has to happen just because, hey, shit happening is automatically entertaining is dumb as hell. Can you imagine Russo and Ferrara having any patience for some of the slower classic films out there? A random waiter would have decked Shawn with a serving tray ten minutes into My Dinner With Andre if Russo had directed it, just because SOMETHING NEEDS TO HAPPEN, BRO, PEOPLE ARE GONNA GET BORED IF NOTHING HAPPENS, BRO. THEY'RE JUST FUCKING TALKING ABOUT EXISTENTIALISM OR WHATEVER, BRO, THAT'S NOT GONNA GET RATINGS. It's unfortunate that I’ve been distracted because this match is solid, and it picks up around the time Benoit drills Bret with a Tombstone. Benoit signals for the diving headbutt, goes up, and drills it…and FUCK YOU, WCW, the Outsiders run out here. Hall clears out the ref, then attacks Benoit while Nash lines up a chair shot on the Hitman. Goldberg runs out and spears Nash before Nash can swing, but Hall picks up the chair and clocks Goldberg with it. Hart clears Hall out, and you know what, I’m out. This is some fucking bullshit. JUST HAVE A ONE-ON-ONE MATCH WITH NO INTERFERENCE AND A CLEAN FINISH, YOU DICKHEADS. Fuck you, Russo and Ferrara. If the finish is all that matters, then I’ll report the finish. There are nine minutes of good action after Goldberg and the Outsiders brawl to the back. Bret survives a Figure Four and a sustained targeting of his still-injured ankle. They actually have a fairly torrid finishing run in which Bret barely avoids the Crippler Crossface, then manages to trip Benoit and turn him over into a Sharpshooter that coaxes a submission and awards the bout and the big gold belt to the Hitman. If this match had zero run-ins, or maybe even just one run-in, it’s on one of my good lists, but I think it had one run-in too many that fucked up the flow of the match for me to really vibe with it. This was in no way the fault of the workers in the ring. It’s just that the guys running this show don’t understand pro wrestling. Honestly, watch the first match and the last nine minutes or so of the main event, and throw the rest of this one in the bin.

Disco was delivered a dead fish. He hit Iaukea with it before landing a Chartbuster. I don't write this stuff, I just report it. I sure can! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKBmji_TqqM

Holy shit, yeah, that is the same guy. I thought he looked vaguely familiar beyond "Lodi's psychotic number one fan." That bump is fucking bananas, by the way. Yeah, if he got away with merely a concussion and a sliced-up head, he was very lucky.

Regal is Vince McMahon's second in the WWF at the time WCW is sold; he shows up on camera in Vince's office to affirm for Vince that WCW is a very bad place on the final show, if I recall correctly.

Thunder Interlude – show number eighty-eight – 18 November 1999 "The WCW Gang is really wasting Chavo Guerrero Jr., man, and I don't like it" Let’s enjoy this taped Thunder if we can…One thing about the Russo-Ferrara Era is that it certainly has a philosophy that is consistently applied… Wait, I thought the First Family all broke up…Somehow, they’re here together on Thunder…Bam Bam Bigelow is the opponent for one of them…It looks like Jerry Flynn…Larry Z. is so upset that AC Jazz left WCW that he also threatens to quit…How long does Larry Z. last on WCW programming, actually?...I’m going to check while Norman Smiley joins the proceedings and watches the match from ringside…It looks like Larry Z. made it into 2000, but I accidentally spoiled for myself that Larry’s protests are probably leading to a storyline for him…Bam Bam and Flynn do some cursory, weak hardcore brawling while the other First Family members back Norm off…Barbarian jumps in to help Flynn…Smiley hits Knobbs with a chair outside the ring, then hands the chair to Bam Bam…Bam Bam hits Barb with the chair…Jimmy Hart challenges Smiley, and I think they just should have waited a week to run the First Family breakup…Bigelow dispatches of Hart, then pins Flynn for the win…Yuck… Disco Inferno tries to bet fifty thousand dollars on Prince Iaukea, but is informed that pro wrestling is fixed and that they won’t take the bet…HOW META, BRO…Also, I see in kayfabe why Disco is in hock to his bookie…Putting that kind of money on Prince Iaukea?...Damn… Terry Taylor being a boring dude is actually funny in this short blipment with Buff…Buff, after asking Taylor where Benoit is: “Good to see you back. Were you ever gone?”…Taylor: “I think so”…I mean, only like a percentage of a percentage of a percentage of the folks watching this would get why that was funny, but it did land for the folks who knew about Taylor being fired by Bisch, Bisch being fired by Schiller, and someone, probably Bill Busch or Vince Russo, re-hiring Taylor all in a short period of time…SEE, META JOKES ARE FUNNY, BRO…Well, that one got a chuckle out of me… Disco Inferno boogies to the ring to face Prince Iaukea, and I get it now, Disco wanted to take a dive tonight and recoup some of his money by betting on his ooponent...OK, that’s actually a decent little character-based joke...This match is non-title, so maybe Iaukea can win this one…Iaukea stops short on a Disco dropdown, shakes his head with disgust, and drops an elbow into the small of Disco’s back…Disco makes a comeback after luring Iaukea in and using Iaukea’s trunks as leverage to yank the Prince into the corner…Disco rolls, including a second-rope elbow drop…Iaukea gets two on a backslide, but Disco is up first and lands a clothesline…Iaukea gets another flash pin on a sunset flip that only gets two…This match is longer than I thought it’d be and feels a lot more like a Thunder match from a few months ago…It’s not amazing or anything, but it’s a pleasant little TV match…Some guy brings out a “gift” for Disco…It’s a dead fish to indicate what type of creatures Disco will be sleeping with if he doesn’t pay his bookie…Iaukea sneaks from behind and rolls Disco up for three…Disco hits Iaukea with the fish, then lands a Chartbuster and storms away… Evan Karagias talks to Gene Okerlund about Disco Inferno being “fishy” (BOOOOO) and about winning the Cruiserweight Championship for his one true love, Madusa (UGHHHH)… Van Hammer’s gimmick of being a cocky dude who no one respects is pretty funny…He walks up to Curt Hennig backstage while Hennig’s trying to get some coffee…Let me quote this exchange exactly because it had me laughing… Hammer: “Hey, we’re booked in a match tonight; don’t worry, I’ll go easy on you. In fact, what’s the word on me letting you get counted out, old man?”… Hennig: *looks disgusted, punches the shit out of Hammer*… HAHAHAHAHA, that was genuinely hilarious…Security breaks them up… The Maestro squares off against Evan Karagias (w/Madusa)…Maestro jumps Karagias while Karagias is distracted because he's all smitten with Madusa…Karagias takes over and lands a springboard crossbody to the floor…He doesn’t press his advantage because he’s too busy smooching Madusa…Tenay promotes a Loser Must Retire Match between Curt Hennig and Buff Bagwell if Hennig sneaks past Van Hammer tonight…Whether it’s on Nitro or Mayhem, I don’t know…Mayhem, I think, since Tenay also talks about a six-person elimination tag pitting Dean Malenko, Saturn and Asya against Billy Kidman, Eddy Guerrero, and Torrie Wilson, also at the PPV…Meanwhile, there’s a competently worked, but not particularly interesting match going on in the ring…Larry Z. opines on Asya’s at-birth sex while Karagias makes a comeback, if you were wondering exactly how poorly this segment is going…Madusa hops up on the apron to distract the Maestro…Madusa kisses him, and Karagias gets up all upset…Madusa makes out with him to calm him down, and the Maestro slips in a roll-up for three…Madusa and Karagias make up after the match by making out some more…Ohhhhhhhhhhh brother… The Revolution stands in the back as Shane Douglas cuts a mediocre promo while talking to Okerlund about tearing that “Barbie doll” Torrie limb from limb…Saturn does make me laugh when butts in to assert that he knows from experience how hard it is to tear a Barbie doll’s limbs off…Malenko: “Perry, what the hell are you talking about? It’s just a figure of speech.”…Saturn: “My point EXACTLY.”…Heh heh heh, so dumb… Disco talks to his bookie, but his bookie ain’t hearing any of these excuses…Disco better have their money… Chris Benoit, Buff Bagwell’s opponent for the night, walks up and shakes hands with Terry Taylor, welcoming him back to WCW…Taylor lets Benoit know that Buff has been looking for him…Benoit says Buff must not be trying that hard because he’s easy to find, then walks off…Buff walks up like RIGHT AFTER Benoit leaves and asks Taylor if that was Benoit…You could have just yelled HEY, CHRIS from three feet away and had your conversation with him right then and there… Weekly Nitro recap: This show sucked ass…I’m in the process of adjusting my Stinger Splash and WOOOOOO scores and plan to have one final document with all the shows, their dates, and my scores for them…I’m also going to tier list the PPVs when I get done watching all of them, which will include going back after I get through March of 2001 and watching the PPVs I skipped back at the start of this thing when I was only going to watch Nitro…I mention that because I’ve already had to adjust a couple of scores to better fit with the weekly barrage of garbage that the RFE is producing… La Parka and Kaz “promo” with Gene Okerlund backstage…Welp, I’m out… Buff asks for Benoit take it easy on him because he has a career vs. career match on Sunday…Buff: “No flying headbutt, no Crossface”…Benoit says that it sucks for Buff that he's got himself in hot water with TPtB, but maybe he shouldn’t have been walking around calling himself the Chosen One…Buff jumps him, and they brawl until security, which has been busy tonight, breaks things up… La Parka shows Kaz how to strum a chair guitar on their way to the ring…Their opponents are Los Fabulosos…Tenay talks about how TPtB don’t like wrestlers who can’t speak English, and then transitions into talking about Dr. Death destroying cruisers and palling around with Oklahoma…I remembered Oklahoma in WCW, but had no idea that Dr. Death showed up with him…The tag match stinks…It’s full of shtick and weird spots…By the time they start doing dives, I’ve sort of zoned out…Parka dodges a Dandy top-rope move and goes up quickly, then lands a corkscrew body press for three…As he did last Thunder, Parka lays out his opponents with his chair after the match…Kaz does a decent Parka strut… Security is already there backstage, just waiting in the halls for Hennig and Bagwell to cross paths, which they do…Curt and Buff barely get to scrapping before security jumps in from the sidelines… Van Hammer versus Curt Hennig is next up…Obligabrawl…Buff Bagwell comes to ringside after the match makes it back to the ring…Larry Z. complains about TPtB dicking around wrestlers’ careers…I mean, I’d have guessed that they’re setting Larry up for an angle with them at this point even if I hadn’t accidentally glimpsed that info earlier…He calls them “nitwits”…Nitwits!...Now, that’s a fightin’ insult…Hammer and Hennig have a decent little bout, actually…Hammer gets two on a floatover powerslam, then hits a DDT…He goes up for a second rope senton bomb, but Hennig moves…Hennig walks over to follow up, but Hammer grabs him and dumps him to ringside…Bagwell beats down Hennig on the floor, but Benoit runs out and attacks Buff…Bagwell shakes Benoit and tries to link up with Hammer on an attack, but he hits Hammer instead…Hennig lands a Perfect Plex and escapes with a three count… Chavo tries to sell Liz a bunch of cooking and cleaning stuff, but Liz ain’t cooking or cleaning shit…Chavo next plies her with jewelry, and she and TTP are both receptive to… Lash LeRoux is up next…Larry Z. complains about Chavo having to sell crap…Larry Z., asking about whether or not TPtB can possibly be serious: “Is someone getting paid to ruin us?”…I mean, there’s on the nose, and then there’s on the nose…Kenny Kaos is LeRoux’s opponent…Is Robbie Rage still alive?...Does Kenny Kaos have Rage chained up in his basement?...While this okay, short match happens, I look it up and see that Rage got released while he was injured…BOOOOO, WCW, BOOOOOOO…I would have enjoyed the random Robbie Rage push in late 2000…They could have had him pal around as Scott Steiner’s second…That would have been a way better pairing than Steiner and Petey Williams in TNA…Anyway, this match is another decent enough bout…Kaos snags Lash out of the air on a LeRoux slingshot crossbody attempt in a nice spot…He controls in the ring, but his positioning is kayfabe off on a pinfall, and Lash is able to reach the ropes…That gives Lash a second chance, and he uses it to counter his way into a Whiplash for three… Okerlund interviews the Filthy Animals in the back…Konnan is worlds ahead of Kidman and Torrie in the off-the-cuff stick work department, even considering that the former has some stock phrases that he always works into each interview…Or maybe because he has those stock phrases... Chavo Guerrero Jr. is so good, and this fucking Amway salesman gimmick is so stupid…What the fuck, this guy got way over by the middle of 1998!...WCW is a stupid company that doesn’t have a clue how to elevate most of its over midcarders…Barbarian is Chavo’s opponent…Chavo grabs his suitcase and shows Barb some of the products and services available to him at a low price…Whatever, fuck off, WCW…Chavo does his best to get this bit over…He calls Billy Silverman over, and Barb uses the briefcase to slam Chavo in his back, then land a Kick of Fear for three…Fucking hell…Barb asks for a mic and yells I’LL TAKE THREE; I’LL PAY YOU LATER…WOOF…Chavo is very good at wrestling comedy, but he can’t get this stupid-assed idea over whatsoever…It’s not his fault…The material he’s working with is that bad… Recap: The WCW World Heavyweight Championship tournament is down to its final four participants… Meng faces Vampiro (w/Jerry Only)…TTP, who is opposing Meng at Mayhem, watches with Liz backstage as Meng makes his way to the ring…I get a reprieve from watching at least one RFE Thunder because Thanksgiving falls the week after this show…2000 is so close…This is a nothing match that includes an obligabrawl…Meng gets some solid control and locks a TDG on Vampiro…Only tries to break it, so Meng TDGs him instead…As the timekeeper whales away on the bell, Liz walks to the ring…She gets a mic and offers an apology for all those Nitro shenanigans involving TTP and Meng a couple of weeks ago…Meng doesn’t want to hear it and tries to TDG her, but Package runs in with a chair and hits Meng in the head with a chair a whole bunch…Meng goes down after the third or fourth head shot, and Package attacks Meng’s knee with the chair… Buff Bagwell and Chris Benoit go at it in Thunder’s main event…They get quite a bit of time for this match considering that it’s a TV bout in the RFE…It goes about ten minutes, though unfortunately, the setup for the match means that I’m really just waiting for the finish…WCW’s always had this issue with its main events, and now, it’s trickled down into the midcard matches as well now that Russo and Ferrara are in town…Also, there are too many mediocre “fight up from a hold” spots in this thing…They throw an obligabrawl into the bargain as well…No, wait, two obligabrawls!...This isn’t any good, so let’s get Hennig or Malenko out here or whatever…Bagwell rolls away from a diving headbutt…He sets up for a Blockbuster, but Hennig runs down and grabs his ankle…Buff hops down, looking at Hennig, and is easy pickings for Benoit, who grabs him and locks on a Crippler Crossface for the submission…Buff and Hennig stare one another down as the show ends…No, wait, they brawl as the show ends… Some of the attempted humor was funny, so this Thunder was less painful and mostly just sort of dull…The difference between WOO and OWW is what these chucklefucks Russo and Ferrara are doing to Chavo Jr., though…OWW…