God I love how much randomness we covered with Go over the years
Ryuma Go/Jesse Barr vs. Bruise Brothers –Championship Wrestling USA (October 1992)
(by Tom K)
YEP IT’S RYUMA GO IN PORTLAND!!!! This was part of the CWUSA International Tag team tournament. It was built on a points system. I’m not sure whether this was worked points system or which of these teams actually wrestled in Portland. But at time of the match Heavy Metal (Max Steele and maybe Horace Silver - who knows?) was leading with 70 points, followed by the Bruise Brothers with 55, than the team of Ryuma Go and Jesse Barr, Takasugi and Motegi (cause you can’t have a tourney without Motegi) , Los Infernales, Kelly and Nick Kiniski, Mike Winner and Billy Two-Eagles (quickly becoming my third favorite Native American worker), a Samoan team (where one of the Samoans looks Italian) and a team that I can’t make out. I’m guessing that Winner and Two-Eagles vs. Los Infernales would be the best possible match-up to watch. But I don’t know how many of the actual match-ups happened since you can earn points by beating other teams not in the tourney. If anyone has other matches from tourney please contact me. It’s the CWUSA, so Sandy Barr is your ring announcer, Sean Barr (with a beautiful permed mullet that the heels always pull on) is your referee, Jesse Barr is wrestling and most of the advertisements are for businesses with the Barr name. The angle that sets up this match is that the Bruise Bros had injured C.W. Bergstrom (Jesse’s occasional partner) and so Jesse Barr brought in a special enforcer tag partner to take on the Bruises. And so we have “special enforcer” Ryuma Go in Portland. And a “CWUSA TV Main Event” of Ryuma Go/Jesse Barr vs. Bruise Bros. C. W. Bergstrom on commentary says what we all are thinking, “I think this would be a main event anywhere”. The Harris’ spend the beginning of the match outside the ring while Go challenges them to get into the ring. “I’ve wrestled Semitic Alien Hillbillies and Multicolored Mummies, your vomit inducing lack of nipples don't scare me.” The former Heartbreaker Don Harris enters ring not sure what to make of Go. Go backs him into corner and works a headlock. He then works the headlock some more. Go then works the headlock even more. They take it to the mat and it’s Harris vs. Go on the mat, with Go working a leg. Go controls on the mat in the typical Go style. Ron Harris tries to break this up but is unsuccessful. The Portland crowd responds the way a crowd should respond when confronted with Go vs. Harris matwork. Go continues to work on Don’s leg for SIX MINUTES. SIX MINUTES of my life spent watching Ryuma Go vs. Don Harris on the mat. Six minutes I will never get back. Thank god Go was in their with Don and not Ron. Jesse Barr thankfully tags in and takes Don back down to the mat and actually entertains me working the mat with Don M’F’ng Harris. Jesse Barr is one of the good overlooked workers of the last 20 years, and his work is so tight and credible that the contrast between him and everyone else in the ring is overwhelming. The announcer says we have run out of TV time and I feel like I’m watching Georgia wrestling again, then they say Harris boys have won the match and give us a couple minutes of post match Harris mic work. I don’t get it. I thought they ran out of TV time. And the most annoying part is that no one pulled Sean Barr’s hair. That’s what you get from using the Harris brothers instead of the Semitic Hillbilly Space Aliens. They would have pulled Sean’s hair.
WRESTLE AID PROJECT- 10/24/04
Ryuma Go vs The Highlander: Ryuma Go comes to the ring to the sounds of “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor. I don’t think he’s being ironic. He looks a little bit like DEAN actually, with a few more sit-ups. Ryuma Go seems to be all business, though I could swear those in attendance are actually openly laughing at him. Why would that be? A quick cut, a ring of the bell, and we’re underway, completely missing the entrance of The Highlander. My guess is the ASCAP fees for “High Plains Drifter,” “Because I Got High,” or “Simply the Best” were too much of a strain on the Wrestle Aid Project wallet. The Highlander has his face painted right down the middle, two different colors, and I’m reminded of that freak that used to sing duets that way on “Puttin’ on the Hits.” Nevermind. Ryuma Go doesn’t so much run the ropes as he does hop over to them, leading me to believe he is training for a potato sack race. Somehow, both competitors end up outside the ring, and Ryuma Go is attacked by a large gentleman with a pony tail. He appears to enjoy pumping iron. He appears to not know how to execute what I like to call a “clothesline.” I can’t be certain, but I’m going to guess the man trying to attack Ryuma Go is Triple H. Gotta be. With the assist of Triple HHH, The Highlander is now on the offensive outside the ring, throwing Ryuma Go into the ringpost with all the impact of answering a phone. They both stumble up the aisle, when The Highlander tosses some clown (who appears to be the Japanese equivalent of the “hat guy” from ECW) out of his chair and clocks Ryuma Go over the head with it. At this point, I am fully invested in this match. The Highlander follows this violence up by ... yelling at the 230 in attendance. He tries to Irish Whip Ryuma Go, but Ryuma Go says, “Fuck you, buddy, my legs don’t work that way,” and reverses The Highlander into the ringpost. Unfortunately, The Highlander actually leaps around the ringpost, in a move straight out of a community theater version of “West Side Story.” I think he’s a “Jet.” Ryuma Go - on the warpath - goes under the ring and returns with ... the world’s smallest trashcan! I had a trashcan that size in the third grade, but it had a Minnesota Vikings football helmet painted on the side. Ryuma Go is also bleeding now - is it HARDWAY?!? - and this match is the best I’ve seen in many, many hours. “Mr. Owl, how many licks of the teeny, tiny trashcan does is take to send The Highlander to his back?” Let’s see ... one, twoooooo, THREEEEEE!!!! GODDAMN IT!!! This match is CLIPPED! Next thing I know, Ryuma Go is walking arm-in-arm with The Highlander, almost like he’s helping an old friend get over a bad drunk, all the way the stairs, only to ... throw The Highlander into the wall. Wow. Ryuma Go flexes and yells, and I’m certain he is mentally retarded. In a good way. I mean ... nevermind. So tremendous is this spot, that they repeat it! Ryuma Go then makes his way back to the ring. It takes some time, what with the two (apparently) broken legs. I fix a sandwich. I call my mom. I start my Christmas list and clean my gutters. We’re back in the ring and it’s The Highlander with the low-blow to transition. Followed by a brainbuster for two. Followed by a bodyslam and WATCH OUT! The Highlander is going UP TO THE TOP ROPE! This is what you came to see, fans! A high leg-drop off of the top fails to put Ryuma Go down. The Highlander complains to the ref, giving Ryuma Go time to secure a belly-to-back suplex (maybe). And another! And here comes the tiny trashcan again! Katie bar the door! Ryuma Go with the clothesline. And another belly-to-back suplex (maybe). And now he’s GOING FOR THE FIGURE FOUR!!! THAT HOLD CAN’T BE BROKEN!!! No, wait, it’s a sharpshooter (maybe). And The Highlander taps. A little anticlimactic, sure, but that match took me on a journey. Get this one on your MOTLYC fridge-list, mat fans!
Ryama GO!/Yoshiaki Fujiwara/ Shinichi Nakano vs. Yoshiaki Yatsu/ Horishi Itakura/ Shigeo Okamura: (DEAN)
HEY! It's Ryama GO! YES!! HEY! If I gain fifty more pounds I'll look like fellow chub Horishi Itakaru! These two start off and I'm all over the Stretchy antics of the World's Best Thoroughly Washed-Up Old Guy Ryama GO! He's got the SPIRIT! and that's key- the key to my heart. And he stretches the pudge like he's never stretched before. And then he seals the fate of his Awesome Decrepitude- as he does the standing head scissors that I am the ETERNAL sucker for. Nakano is that Shootstyle FAT Elvis guy from UWFi. Okamura is- !YOU GOT IT FATBOY!- a Big Japan Heavyweight! They are in next and they do a bunch of submission attempts really fast. Nakano's Pompadour is SOOOO PHAT. Fujiwara is the opposite of Ryama GO! He is more like the Japanese Roddy Piper- a stinky old guy who stinks and who refuses to go the fuck away but instead hangs around and stinks. STINKS. Yatsu- who was one of the biggest draws in Japan at one point (but HEY! so was Rusher Kimera) goes at the old poot with an all out 1976 attack- as they do a Dory Funk Jr vs Roberto Soto match in slow motion section and then Fujiwara shows his giant flaws as he doesn't stretch the pudge of Itakura. Ryama goes all Batten Twins highflying on Okamura to set up the surreal scene of the Japanese Wolfman Jack (Yatsu) taking it to the mat with Japan's Toughest Elvis Impersonator. It RULED! In a way. Then the headbutts and the crappy old guy wrestling kicks in and the magic is over. A bunch of saves later Ryama procures the Dragon Sleeper and another fabulous Japan indie world tape winds to the end. GET ALL OF THIS if you're a freak like me.
Psicosis/Ryama Go/Col. DeBeers vs. Rey Mysterio Jr./Billy Jack Haynes/C.W. Bergstrom (Schneider)
I honestly believe that in the storied history of professional wrestling there has never been an odder trios team then Psicosis , Ryama Go and Col. Debeers. You have a young, talented suicidal rudo teaming with a Japaneese comedy wrestler who is best known for battling overall bedecked aliens and they are partnered with a 70’s style worker with a South African racist gimmick. It is like a huge cosmic joke. During their entrance they pose with the ring girls for a photo, and I am telling you, a picture of Col. DeBeeers, Psicosis and Ryama Go posing with a trio of Portland stripper could be the centerpiece for some pomo new wave photo exhibit at the Whitney. Of course Rey Mysterio Jr. teaming with Billy Jack Haynes and C.W. Bergstrom is pretty fucking weird in it’s own way. Unfortunately the match itself could never be the spectacle that the surreality of participants would suggest. It was a pretty basic below average trios match, the Rey Mysterio v. Psicosis sections were as good as you might expect from freaking Rey Mysterio Jr. and Psicosis in 1994, although there was no real insane flying (the fact that you have a card with Rey Mysterio Jr., Psicosis, and Eddie Guerrerro in 1994 and the only dives are done by the Pope Boys and Billy Two Eagles is sort of mindboggling), the meat of the match is a HEAT SEGMENT~! on Billy Jack Haynes, and while it is kind of amusing to see Ryama Go get HEAT~! on Billy Jack Haynes, it don’t really make for extended exCiting wrestling. When Go isn’t leglocking Space Jews he isn’t a terrible worker, as he busts out a bunch of 70’s suplexes and does some decent mat work, easily making him the fourth best worker in the match, besting the clotheslinearrific Billy Jack, and the atrocious C.W. Bergstrom who may be one of the worst wrestlers I have ever seen. De Beers was fun too, as he took a lot of Harley Race style bumps, reminding me that despite his lame, offensive gimmick he could actually work a bit.