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DEATH VALLEY DRIVERETTE 08052015! IF YU DNT LK KNGO MSHMO, GO FCK YRSLF.


DEAN

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DEATH VALLEY  DRIVERETTE 08052015!

 

Writing in-between the working takes discipline, so yeah, this took longer than it should have.  I WILL EDIT LATER!

 

~!~

 

SINGLES GOING STEADY!

 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KAMUI vs DAISUKE MASAOKA- PRO WRESTLING FREEDOMS- 7/29/2015- [RASMUSSEN]:  I love this match.  I forced my two sons to watch it and they liked it- and they haven't been impressed by anything since I showed them the Onita exploding barbed wire matches a few months back.  The big debate at that point after those matches was all about how painful or not painful the fireworks exploding on your back would be.  I should get them to re-watch those matches now that the bottom line of pain was established by assorted NFL players blowing off their fingers over the summer.   Something to look forward and also a parenting moment- "Note, son, that at no time does Terry Funk ever put his fingers near the exploding part.  That is key to having fireworks blow up on your body but not actually disfigure you!  Hand daddy that m-80 and I'll show you!  Let me show you something about daddy's crazy ass Hawaiian side..."  They will appreciate a valuable life lesson from their old man!  And they could have a commemorative index and ring finger to remember me long after I am gone.  Then I'll tell them how to not drink themselves to death in their 20's!  I am fountain of experience and useful knowledge!  I fixed the fence with three old belts! (True.)))  So I forced them to watch the end of this and they were stoked as any boy would be when seeing people doing really stupid things in dangerous situations.  SO I share this with you, fellow lover of Japanese people doing hilariously psychotic acts of violence in postmodern industrial approximations of the apocalypse.  Daisuke Masaoka is a pretty fresh faced 31 year old and he doesn't seem dead inside for a guy of whom it says on Cagematch.net,  "Promotion: Pro Wrestling FREEDOMS."    Kamui's profile says the same thing but he wears a mask, so I can't gauge how dead inside he is.  Cagematch.net does tell us that he was trained by Mr Gannosuke which may explain why this garbage match beats the living dogshit out of all your Big Japan main event Off-Broadway-Saw II-Revival/Traveling Geek Show.  FMW was awesome because it had death matches but it was TRANSCENDENT because it was based in wrestling for the most part- and Mr Gannosuke was a LOT of that.  Thus, it is established that FREEDOMS is a super sleazy Japanese indie, mostly in the vane of Onita Pro or SECRET BASE!  They have a decent crowd and it has the feel of ECWA during the Super 8- when random Delawareans wander down from the hills to the armoury to watch the wrestling and finally get all the kids some of those cheese fries the city folk always talk about.   Kamui attacks BEFORE THE BELL ON THE RAMP WITH A CHAIR and A CHAIN!  He makes a man use the prepositions!  The chaos of the brawling through the crowd is almost W*ING-esque in its energy and chaos- energy and chaos are key to me liking your garbage fed.  Kamui chokes him with a chain right in front of the camera- FOR YOU!- and they brawl all over the room with Kamui pretty much controlling the action.  They take it to the ring and Kamui hits a TOTAL 5/4ths Mike Awesome/Masato Tanaka chairshot on Masaoka after choking him some more with a chain.  The little seat flew out and everything!  Yeaaa!  Kamui gets a two count and Masaoka sells the damage as Kamui throws some chairs on the mat from a stack under turnbuckle- thus keeping the annoying elaborate set-ups to a minimum.  The body slam on the stack of chairs looks great because it looks painful, an idea that a lot of garbage wrestlers miss when instead going for maximum spewage of blood.  Flourescent tubes don't look painful, landing on a five chairs directly on your back is an experience we can picture and EMPATHIZE with.  You KNOW it sucked to take that bump and THAT IS THE POINT OF TAKING A BUMP.  You are doing something that looks painful and you have learned the secrets of wrestling to minimize the pain- but being slammed onto an uneven surface is going to hurt.  And this looks like it hurts.  Your bump is successful from a viewer's standpoint.  The question for the professional wrestler is how much of making it look successful actually causes damage to your body and was it worth it.  I've seen guys do a whole lot more and not get the same effect- mostly because the bump was more painful but it doesn't convey anything to the viewer.  I mean guys in Big Japan death matches go through a table from a 20 foot scaffold for a farging two count.  Some shit just isn't thought through.  Here, Masaoka sells it about as much I imagine it hurt.  Kamui continues working the back and goes back to choking him to death with a chain until Masaoka escapes the chain as Kamui tries to hang him over the toprope- like Tom Pritchard being assaulted by Dirty White Boy in the greatest thing in wrestling ever.  Masaoka hits a spinning wheel savate cresecent kick to the face of Kamui off the apron and also gets the chain.  AND SOME MEASURE OF REVENGE!  by slamming the chain across Kamui's back.  He also lays in the forearms so I'm loving this, the psychology, the stiffness, the.... aaaaaaand they completely fuck up a Frankensteiner in the middle of the ring.  So yeah, you get reminded of some things before you get to anoint these two as the second coming of Hayabusa and Mr Gannesuke.  Masaoka recovers with a really nice Asai Moonsault.  They go back in the ring hit a bunch of stuff to make you almost forget the Frankensteiner- and I dig that they have a whole nearfall section right in the middle of the ring before going into the lunacy of the ending.  The best part is another nasty slam into chairs that Masaoka takes likes a KING before bumping to the floor off the toprope.  Kamui is fixing TO GET THE VAN!  but Masaoka hits him with a 3/4 Awesome/Tanaka chair shot and they post each other and actually sell chair shots in the 2015 and everything.  They fight back to the van and kick each other in the face and the crowd is all standing because its a FUCKING VAN MATCH.  Kamui gets behind the wheel of the van and whacks into Masaoka like he a DC hooker on 13th street.  Kamui puts Masaoka on a board across four chairs and ASCENDS THE VAN!   It is at this point that one wonders why he doesn't actually just slam him on the ground and run over him with the van- but then one ASSUMES that one of the stipulations of the van rental was 1) no drinking while driving, 2) secondary drivers MUST be insured, and 3) any manslaughter convictions could be cause for forfeiture of the security deposit.  So EN LIEU of death and murder, Masaoka throws a chair at Kamui and also ascends the van and they are doing the GREAT thing of beating each other to death to set up the spot that you and AUDIENCE knows will be the finish.  The key to me is that they really beat the shit out of other.  Kamui finally gets him into a Fireman's carry and Death Valley Drives him through the board to the floor and crushes Masaoka for THE WIN!  Keep it simple and sometimes you pull off an indie garbage masterpiece.  Your GARBAGE MATCH OF THE YEAR.  Postmatch, they hug and I ain't even mad.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GtANyp9SlOo

 

/////////////////////////////////////////// KENGO MASHIMO vs RYOTA NAKATSU- DNA- 7/1/2015- [RASMUSSEN]:  Ryota Nakatsu is a DDT rookie.  According to Cagematch.net, this is his 32nd time in the ring.  Oh man, I didn't realize that Mashimo is 36 years old.  He's also 5' 11".  I always figured he was a wee man.  My perception is blurry.  The vision dims....  I guess they are pushing young Nakatsu because I accidentally read the finish.  Huhn?  I assume this has a Hector Garza- Scott Hall finish?  Either way, let's how enraged we can become. They keep it on the mat early, with Nakatsu trying to work the shoulder but the veteran Mishimo swarms all over him and rolls him around and balls him up and works on his five or six sleeper variations until settling on a keylock.  Nakatsu spins out and hits the ropes and Mashimo has to sell some really odd strikes by Nakatsu in the mount- like Nakatsu has never actually seen anybody throw punches before and it trying to remember how it was described to him.  He switches to the guard and then Mashimo does a knee lock into a STF. The match is the story of Mashimo schooling Nakatsu on the mat and then sinking in a submission.  After a while, Mashimo opts to take it to the middle of the ring and collapses young Nakatsu by crushing his hamstring with a kick.  Nakutsu does a double leg takedown does more really odd strikes before Mashimo can counter into an ankle lock and so far this is quite the rookie match.  They kick each other and Nakutsu kicks like he is scared to hurt Mashimo.  Mashimo is a Futen guy so he fucking crushes him with kicks.  Nakatsu sells the leg a lot - which is good, but his offense sucks ass at this point, so this isn't as compelling as the last Mishimo match you saw.  They have a wild flurry back and forth and suddenly this gets really fun.  Nakatsu flies into a crossarmbreaker and Mashimo is totally panicked as he freaks out as he hits the ropes.  Then Nakatsu hits a fucking NASTY German with a Bridge and Mashimo is freaking out again as he kicks out at 2!!  THEN Nakatsu flies directly into another cross arm breaker that Moshimo powers out of and we are feeling Mashimo's desperation, like Drew Bledsoe reaching for his helmet as Tom Brady leads the offense to the winning drive.  Nakatsu does another flurry of punches but Mashimo takes him to the mat into a crossface and does a fabulously awesome variation on the Rings Of Saturn.  FOR THE WIN!  The typo at Cagematch made this way more exciting than I thought it would be- as I was seeing how Mashimo was setting up to succumbing to a cross arm breaker by underestimating his opponent, THUS it was actually a surprise when he won!  Maybe, this is more insideous than we think.  DDT is a fucking lunatic organization- I mean they got their own OVW without actually being 1/500th the size of the WWE.  Maybe this is a Russo-like concept of working the SMARTS~! by reporting the results wrong so people like me (or probabaly ONLY me) will be enraged that Mashimo is 36 years old and veteran of the indies and yet he is putting over this 24 year punk who had his first match in November.  The SWERVE that Mashimo actually wins after a super spirited match by Nankatsu makes the match internet famous and they have a rematch where both GO OFF SCRIPT!!   I need a fucking drink to sandblast that kind of retarded thinking out of head and out of my memory.  So yeah, it was actually good by the end and the misinformation DELIGHTED me.  ALSO. THE BEST FUCKING BEST PART. The best part, the indie handshake ends with Mashimo kicking him in the leg.  This ain't Sunday school.  BILLION STARS. 

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Dean, if you haven't seen the match in Freedoms where Masada power bombs some poor bemasked man on a car, go find it. Or somebody else. I'm at work eating my lunch before I start my shift reading all this on the phone and I think the trainee on the computer is getting weirded out from the laughter.

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