piranesi

A PIRANHA blast for you. Blah, Blah..The original PIRANHA... Joe Dante, history, legacy...Every time I look up one of these PIRANHA people, I find pure Hollywood magic. And so I give you a third installment of AWESOME ACTORS BURIED IN THE CAST OF PIRANHA: AMY HOLDEN JONES The whole reason I grabbed my laptop and started googling people while watching PIRANHA was because of a striking-looking woman who shows up in an early scene in a tiny uncredited part. She does nothing but hand someone some keys at a Hertz Rent-a-car desk. That's it. But she does it with style and elegance and a face that is waaaaaaaaay to exotic and intense looking for such a throwaway role. So I had to know if she was "somebody." Here she is in her only scene in PIRANHA: Hi there, sad Hertz lady. James Taylor makes me feel lonely too. If she even has a line at all, then it's something like "Here are your keys." or "Would you like to purchase the insurance?" or "Our O.J. Simpson guarantee means you're always in good hands!" She looks like Juliana Margoulis playing the part of a 70s Italian horror film actress or something. Her name, it turns out, is Amy Holden Jones, and this is her only acting role. I've mainly been writing up people with close to 300 or so...so what gives? Well, what gives and why this triggered an entire series of ridiculous posts about PIRANHA is that Amy Holden Jones' career behind the camera is 100 percent madness. In 1975, at the age of twenty (so, what a college sophomore?) she made a student film called A WEEKEND HOME and submitted it to AFI's student competition. One of the people on the panel was Martin Scorsese. She won and Scorsese liked the movie so much that he offered her a job as his personal assistant on a little movie he was making the next year called TAXI DRIVER. Remember now, this isn't lovable grandpa Scorsese with the thick glasses and aw shucks attitude making HUGO: Not this guy: No, this 20-year-old coed was now sitting next to coked-out madman "Have you ever seen what a .44 Magnum will do to a woman's pussy?" Scorsese: This Fuckin' guy: Three years later Scorsese hired her to edit his whacked-out documentary AMERICAN BOY: A PROFILE OF STEVEN PRINCE which is a super messed up movie about a pretty messed up dude. So, from film school to the set of one of the most important movies ever made. It was there that she met two people that would become very important to her life an career. Michael Chapman, the Director of Photography on this and later on RAGING BULL (and, like, 50 other pretty huge movies) who would become her husband, and Roger Corman, her future producer. This leads to her connection to PIRANHA. Corman, it seems, suggested that Joe Dante hire her to edit the infamous HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD, which some of you know from the Corman doc. MACHETE MAIDENS UNLEASHED! was a movie made as a bet between Dante and Corman that J.D. could make the cheapest movie ever made. As a movie that was strung together out of a lot of found footage mixed in with new stuff to connect it all together, it must have been a blast and a chore to edit. Thus in one year she worked on TWO of the most important films ever made (and now I need to rewatch MACHETE MAIDENS to see if she shows up in any of the footage. It was through Corman that she also got her start writing and directing. She would eventually write the screenplays to the following movies (just the highlights): MYSTIC PIZZA BEETHOVEN (with "the dog and Charles Grodin," not "the guy and Gary Oldman"...she would also seriously cash in on all the sequels with one of those "characters by" credits) INDECENT PROPOSAL THE RELIC She wrote this to happen: This is from THE RELIC, not BEETHOVEN. For Corman she also wrote and directed LOVE LETTERS, a "thriller"(? maybe) apparently starring Jamie Lee Curtis that I have never heard of. Amy directing Jamie Lee: and here directing Halle Berry in something called THE RICH MAN'S WIFE Does ANYONE remember this? Or know why behind them Jonathan Hodgman is playing Colonel Sanders? So in the directing we're not talking quality necessarily here, just weirdness. And it gets weirder. For you horror/slasher fans, she is a huge part of one of the bigger successes (and debacles) in the genre, being picked by Corman to direct what was supposed to be feminist author Rita Mae Brown's scathing deconstruction of slasher films, which ended up being the insanely bad THE SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE. Some of you probably already know that once Corman (and our fair Amy) got hold of Brown's script, Roger decided it was too smarky and tranformed it into a pretty deadpan and incredibly dull straight-up slasher with all of the sarcasm and parody removed (the last vestige of the feminist critique being the killer's use of an oversized drill to kill his female victims... that's what a penis does, people, it drills things and ruins lives!. Amy on set and covered in stage blood: Apparently the working title was SLEEPLESS NIGHT...slasher trivia and cheap-ass production t-shirts! She made this happen: Her Corman-esque cynicism and grindhouse attitude are well summed up in some nice interview quotes (as one of the few female directors in horror, she's given lots of interviews): and on SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE: and on being a woman behind the camera in Hollywood: I think I might be in love with this woman. SPM was a massive financial success (for Roger Corman and nobody else, of course) and still holds a place in the hearts of horror-con types even though it's really dreadfully dull. Awesomely she is still active, having a new show coming out this Fall on ABC called THE BLACK BOX (which sounds proper creepy) that she is writing and producing, and an insane twitter account in which she writes things like: Today, she's a bonafide Hollywood-crazy diva who takes mad selfies in elevators and trolls people on the internet like a boss. Never. Ever. Stop. Being. Bizarre, Amy Holden Jones. And FUCK YOU, JIM LEHRER! You scroteless withered chump.

I call foul. That's like the third commercial to rip that PSA off in the last few years. Plus CABIN IN THE WOODS. "I learned it from watching you." is the new "I just threw up in my mouth a little."

I've posted this before on the old board, but it's worth revisiting. A really nice review of FIV: THE FINAL CHAPTER, where the guy makes a case for it being both the best made film in the franchise and also the cruelest and most nihilistic in terms of the gruesomeness and coldness of the slaughter. http://www.horrordvds.com/viewarticle.php?articleid=745 I really like that last line...

Are there actually people out there that think F13 is a better series than Nightmare? Because, really, there is no legacy to fuck up with Friday the 13th. They are bad movies (keep in mind, I own them all and love them like strange, deformed children) with virtually no redeemable qualities outside of exploitation elements. Some of the Nightmare movies are actually legitimately good films, and even the worse ones are world's better than pretty much all of the Friday films. I have greater love in my heart for Friday. Maybe because I was really young when it started and there was a mystique about it. It was forbidden and terrifying to me for years before I actually saw one. Maybe because Nightmare 1-5 are almost never on cable, so I just haven't seen them enough to get all trivia-nerd about them. But I think it's just the simple purity of camp and the woods as scary places and how, regardless of the other qualities, all of the first six Fridays get that part right. They luxuriate in the environment, and give you lots of slow panning shots across the treeline and creepy wooden buildings with giant crawlspaces. Nothing is more important to me in horror than "space" and how well a film uses it to make you feel tense. That's one thing I hated about the remake...there was so much super closeup, shaky stuff and the spaces just looked like the spaces in the Texas Chainsaw remakes, and a bunch of others. It was generic. That may also be where Nightmare loses some tiny thing for me. It succeeds really well, like SCREAM would later, in making the suburbs creepy at times...but the main "spaces" are sort of abstract dreamscapes and factories and somehow a big giant surreal factory is actually less creepy to me than a simple silent forest...with a guy out there in it somewhere...with a bag over his head...

We're on opposite sides in a sectarian war. I wonder if it depends on which of the two original series you liked the most...like, that determines which remake you hate the most.

Curse you both.

I thought the F13th one was worse in terms of execution. It was just dull. I only saw Nightmare once, but I remember there being a few stylish bits in it. And it at least maintained the tradition of a faux mystery to figure out to destroy Freddie and handled it adequately. The Friday remake managed to take out everything that was atmospheric and fun about the originals.

My first thought was that this was that "Vince wants to work TMZ" thing that Dave was asying after the Orton nutshot thing. But I didn't post that because I was ashamed for thinking it. If it was, then too bad. Too many people are happy about this. You better stay gay Darren Young.

As I've mentioned once before, it turns out that the original PIRANHA is really packed with awesome character actors. Just a huge amount of history there. They pop up and disappear at a startling rate. I'm guessing this is a Joe Dante thing. And for the pampered coke-addled Sean-Cassidy worshipping fools of the "Me Generation" packing the 1978 drive-ins they were just a bunch of funny-looking "geezers" and "crazy beardos" But if you look past that you see deep careers that stretch back across a century. So, here is the second installment in a series I'd like to call "AWESOME ACTORS HIDDEN IN THE CAST OF PIRANHA" Maybe even more amazing than last time's entrant Richard Deacon is the subject of installment #2: Keenan Wynn Early on in PIRANHA there is a frankly bizarre scene between two old grizzled drunken hillbillies that does nothing but 1) creep out the viewers and 2) set up one poor old dude so that later when he dangles his feet in the water and gets them eaten off, we will have some context for where we are and where the evil Piranya are. Here he is in PIRANHA about to be eaten: Once again, Joe Dante has given us a great crazy guy with a great crazy-guy face. In 1978, that's all he was, right..."some old-timey dude from central casting...probably a homeless guy who collects cans on the studio lot." Bullshit, junior. It turns out that this is Keenan Wynn, one of the most storied film actors of the 20th century, racking up 276 credits on IMDB. That, as we all learned recently, is the same number as Christopher Lee. So, this man is worthy of a few minutes of your time. He didn't always look like a crazy old prospector. But when he did, he was exceptionally crazy and prospective: Looks a bit like Eli Wallach from THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY, no? Enough so that he scored a role in Sergio Leone's 2nd greatest movie, ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST as the hapless sheriff outwitted by, well everyone: When Sergio Leone comes calling, you know you have a great face. But unlike Richard Deacon, who played the same type over and over, Keenan Wynn underwent an incredible transformation over his career. He began like this: as a dashing, Noel Coward-ish, Cole Porter-y MGM pretty boy. That, in itself was an attempt to distance himself from his father, the famous Vaudevillian Ed Wynn, who worked with Buster Keaton, and The Three Stooges and hosted a hit variety show on both radio and early television. <----------Keenan's Dad Our Wynn, whose given full name was...check this shit...Francis Xavier Aloysius James Jeremiah Keenan Wynn...set out on a different path. But cursed with a receding hairline and looking old for his age, he pretty quickly settled into the role of MGM's go-to heavy, starting out as the "bad aristocrat" and then "the mean military guy" and eventually "the batshit crazy wildman" You can trace his career path in the thickness of his moustache. From pencil-thin and aristocratic: to bushier and authoritarian (here as Colonel Bat Guano in DR. STRANGELOVE OR HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE BOMB): To the full Wilfred Brimley lunatic-stache: Along the way he played in movies that ranged from A-list pictures starring Clark Gable, Lana Turner, and Judy Garland, with Fred Astaire in FINIAN'S RAINBOW and ROYAL WEDDING, and for you film-school types with Orson Welles in TOUCH OF EVIL and in Altman's NASHVILLE. For God's sake, He had an entire segment to himself in ZIGFIELD FOLLIES. For you soulless baby boomers, he was the voice of the Winter Warlock in SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN' TO TOWN, which those in the baseball thread already know is the universal guidebook to righteousness and tradition (and, hey Fred Astaire again..I think they were buds or something, because Keenan Wynn is in, like 12 Fred Astaire movies). His t.v. work is practically an encyclopedia of everything that was great: from early t.v. like THE TWILIGHT ZONE, WAGON TRAIN, PLAYHOUSE 90, to later awesomeness like EMERGENCY, DALLAS, TAXI, QUINCY, BARETTA, THE LOVE BOAT, THE GREATEST AMERICAN HERO...just like, every show you could possibly name, including the greatest show ever Once he fully embraced comedy, he appeared with his famous father (then in his 80s) in a series of comedic tributes including teamups in THE ABSENT MINDED PROFESSOR, and SON OF FLUBBER. And then there were the B pictures. Enough of them that he ended up getting MST3K'ed at least twice (THE CLONUS HORROR and LASERBLAST). Keenan and the bots: He looked awesome on this poster: Boobs go in the middle pane. So, the next time you watch PIRANHA...and you will watch PIRANHA again, raise a glass to a guy who never won an Oscar or an Emmy or a Tony but who grew up with Buster Keaton teaching him how to pratfall and partied with Bing Crosby, danced with Fred Astaire, was pretend engaged to Lucille Ball, got slapped by Katherine Hepburn, and was the guy who let Steve McQueen ride his motorcycle, which turned out to be Steve's first time on a Triumph. HE FUCKING SHOWED STEVE MCQUEEN HOW TO RIDE A TRIUMPH!!!! Wait, WHAT? Let's let Steve McQueen fill us in: Are you fucking kidding me? And it wasn't just him. He taught Marlon Brando how to ride for THE WILD ONE...ARE. YOU. FUCKING. KIDDING. ME? He was supposed to play the Lee Marvin role, but MGM refuesed to let him out of his contract. How many toked-up, munchied-out dopers at that drive-in realized any of this when they were watching Keenan Wynn get his feet eaten in PIRANHA? 0. That's how many. Don't be a doper!

Fuck You all with your fancy computers and your jacked up virtual reality. This is still the best: Self-contained. Portable. Not trackable by any government agency. If you and Gene Hackman are on the run from the feds and you want to play some football, what are you gonna do? Hook up your Apple IIE? Sync your Cloud up to Skynet, man? You'll be dead in 30 minutes.

They've been fighting about this forever: http://www.slate.com/articles/arts/the_good_word/2012/05/steven_pinker_on_the_false_fronts_in_the_language_wars_.html

[Carnac] What is: "A guy with tourette's getting a hernia examination?" [/Carnac]

I got too pissed to continue when the Bizkit-head doing the lyrics couldn't figure out the difference between "being fated" and "being faded."

We gave you Betty Swann, and The Shangri-La's, and that tiny little dude from The Ovations. And you come back with this?

MATT HOLLIDAY WOULD HAVE...on a bounce.

All of mine I first saw/heard in movies: Gary Oldman covering Sid Vicious covering Frank Sinatra: My Way Rebekah del Rio covering Roy Orbison: Crying (Llorando): The Gypsy Kings covering the Eagles: Hotel California Sly and the Family Stone covering Doris Day?: Che sera sera https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQZNkzP4kYw and of course:

Can someone explain how either of these attributes relates to a crowbar?

So this gif from tonight was on the front page of deadspin; Two days ago the story was all "Puig won't be a real ballplayer until he learns to hit the cutoff man...grouselgrouselgrousel" Yasiel Puig: "No."

Nothing to worry about. Just, when you're eating your strudel, make sure to think happy thoughts.

I haven't watched this movie in eons, but it turns out the original PIRANHA is really packed with awesome character actors. Just a huge amount of history there. They pop up and disappear at a startling rate. I'm guessing this is a Joe Dante thing. To the drugged out "turned on" hippies of the 1978 drive-ins they were just a bunch of funny-looking "geezers" and "narcs" and "squares." But if you look past that you see deep careers that stretch back across a century. So, here is the first installment in a series I'd like to call "AWESOME ACTORS HIDDEN IN THE CAST OF PIRANHA" (Also why does everyone in the movie pronounce it "Piranya"?) Installment #1 Richard Deacon. Barely minutes in and we get a 1 minute scene with this wonderfully awesome looking dude. Here he is in his cameo scene from PIRANHA: How do you not love a face like that? His voice is massively familiar-sounding if you see the movie. And it turns out for good reason. He was part of Jack Benny's old radio crew who made the transition to t.v.. Here he is as a salesman in an excerpt from one of the greatest comedy bits of all time, where Jack Benny drives Mel Blanc insane buying a christmas present. He's one of those guys who spent his life playing one part..uptight salesman, business man, doctor, beureaucrat and mean boss on everything from THE MUNSTERS (and THE ADAMS FAMILY) to GET SMART, BURNS AND ALLEN, THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES, THE LOVE BOAT...all the way up to his final role in GROWING PAINS as "mean ticket seller" which I assumed meant he caught Mike Seaver and Boner trying to sneak into a R-rated movie...until I looked it up to find that it was the alternate title of a B-movie originally called BAD MANNERS and starring a teenaged Pamela Adlon [aka the hottest woman on earth as of this writng or so] from LOUIE). In the process of all this he ran with some of the greatest comedians of all time (Benny, George Burns, Lucille Ball, Dick van Dyke, Red Skelton, Bob Hope, Jackie Gleason, Phyllis Diller, ....) and was a regular part of a number of important comedy "cliques" in the 40s, 50s, 60s, and 70s. Some comedy nerds will remember him best from is recurring role as essentially the Ted Baxter/Dan Fielding of THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUnO__-Onzo Or as the mean neighbor Fred Rutherford on LEAVE IT TO BEAVER. But most awesomely, Richard Deacon was a regular panel member on all the best game shows of the 70s: $10,000 PYRAMID: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aadYDIsB17o MATCH GAME '77: not to mention HOLLYWOOD SQUARES. As a kid, he was stricken with Polio and almost lost the use of his legs. He rehabbed by taking dancing lessons and ended up trading lines with Bob Barker, Nipsy Russell, and Rip Taylor. This automatically makes him 1000x cooler than hippie icon James Franco who will never be on any of those. So FUCK YOU, JAMES FRANCO! This man: > James Franco (Yes, that is Richard Deacon clowning around with Mary Tyler Moore)

Ho Ly Fu Cking Sh it The right Yuen???!!!!! The good Yuen???!!!! I think KUNG FU HUSTLE is the only thing I've seen him do since, like back in the days of FIST OF LEGEND and shit.

"Oooooof" - Fat Spanish Waiter me -----> you ---------------------------------------------------^

Well, they still let Ziggler have one, so I don't see anything crazy there. Maybe he's subleasing bandwidth from the dog.

You have to do that at summer camp, guys. Especially if a lot of kids are into Pac-Man.

Wait. I didn't know we were allowed to book armies, prides, colonies, etc. In that case the Wyatts should have a giant fireant hill in ahuge glass case that they wheel out and throw their opponents into. Heath Slater can then try to one-up them with a single piranha in a baggie full of water while complaining that the company wouldn't give him the budget for anything more.