SirSmUgly

Show #213 – 8 November 1999 “The one that blends Halloween Ends with the Chevy Chase Show and a healthy dose of WWF Attitude Era RAW to a deleterious effect” I think I know who wins this world title tournament. It came to me out of nowhere while I was not even thinking about pro wrestling at all. In the Malcolm in the Middle opening credits, there’s a blip in which the Hitman twists Chris Benoit into a Sharpshooter. I am pretty certain that happens at Mayhem, and that Bret wins the whole shebang. It had to be in the finals if I’m right because Bret and Benoit are on opposite sides of the bracket. Let’s see if I’m right. Oh yeah, also, uh, let’s Nitro. Sid threatens a tech guy in the back. And he’s usually so well-behaved with random WCW employees! Sid gives the guy a tape and says that he’ll cue when it needs to be played, and it had better be played at the cue. Sid heads to the ring after the Nitro opening sequence and talks. Obviously, that's how we start the show. You know who’s in charge of this show’s creative direction. Sid says that he’s not as dumb as he looks. I don’t know that Sid particularly looks dumb, but okay. He seems like he might be a pretty canny operator. Sid threatens the Outsiders for screwing him over last week, then turns his attention to proving that he never actually lost to Goldberg at Halloween Havoc. Cue the tape! That lazy fuck Sid couldn’t even edit in someone saying I QUIT over the top of Goldberg clearly not saying it at all while planning to punch Sid some more. D-minus, Sid; next time, put in some effort, or it’s summer school for you! The Outsiders come out here on the ramp. They are fucking ANNOYING at this point. Hall brings the U.S. title belt with him. They get in the ring and basically troll Sid to a crowd pop. Hall name drops the Clique and illustrates surprise that Sid would ever think that a Clique member would lay down for him. Sid wants to fight, but Nash tries to calm him down by pointing out that Bret Hart, who is so obviously in cahoots with these guys that I’m assuming that I’ll get double-swerved, and he’s actually not in cahoots with them, was the one who hit him with the crutch. Bret Hart strolls out to the top of the ramp and calls everyone in the ring “three big pussies” because the Hitman can be edgy too, but it's not nearly as fun as him calling everything BULLSHIT in 1997. Hart reiterates that he thinks Goldberg is the rightful champ, and says that he’ll reclaim the strap and hand it over to Goldberg. Hall challenges the Hitman to a match as Bret walks down here with no crutches or walking boot even though he had a hairline fracture, supposedly. Goldberg jumps out of the crowd from the other side; the Outsiders bail, but Goldberg spears an inattentive Sid. Sid just keeps getting himself into situations where he gets his ass kicked to the point that I feel bad for that **Stevie Ray voice** sad-sack fruit booty. Goldberg cuts an okay-ish promo in which he challenges Sid to an I Quit Match, probably at Mayhem. The truck hits Goldberg’s music too early because he’s still out here threatening the Outsiders with injury. Everyone’s talking about pussies and “having balls” and I think Russo’s just stroking one out with excitement somewhere in the back. Tonight’s world title tournament matchups in quadrants one and two as we start the second round: Quadrant #1: Bret Hart vs. Saturn; Norman Smiley vs. Billy Kidman. Quadrant #2: The Total Package vs. Sting in the quarterfinals as DDP and Meng are out of the tournament with injuries, so TTP and Sting got byes through the second round. Quadrant #3: Buff Bagwell vs. Vampiro; Curt Hennig vs. Jeff Jarrett (I think this used to be Quadrant #4, and they flipped the order of the brackets on the right side, but I’m not going back to find out) Weirdly, Tony S. also promotes a Sting/Goldberg match for later in the show, maybe? I don’t know what the fuck. Mike Tenay interviews Sting in the back. Sting and TTP are feuding again. Sting quotes Desi Arnaz-as-Ricky Ricardo in this promo, in case you wondered how his side of the interview was going. Liz sneaks TTP into the building. Recap: Kimberly Page hits David Flair with her car. You can hear a kid yelling HIT ‘EM, HIT ‘EM in the back. Haha! Pre-taped segment: Kimberly arrives at the arena before the show begins and tries to get Doug Dellinger to help her head David Flair off the pass. Dellinger calls for extra security for her. Hall and Nash jabber on in the back. Nash claims to have earned his manager’s license. Konnan is yapping when we finally get back to the ring; he’s with the Filthy Animals. He cracks me up because he’s wearing a fuzzy bucket hat, and he does this: “Torrie, you like this fuzzy hat? FEEL. **Torrie rubs his hat, Konnan pushes her away after three seconds**, THAT’S ENOUGH!” Funny as fuck. Anyway, Eddy and Rey do some shitty mic work. Dean Malenko and Asya appear at the top of the ramp; Malenko responds. It’s boring. Russo is going to try and get Asya over as a proper Chyna replacement rather than having her stumble around ineffectually like she did as Ric Flair’s third. The short of it is that Rey Misterio Jr. and Torrie Wilson will face Dean Malenko and Asya later tonight. Screamin’ Norman Smiley, geared up in hockey padding, comes to the ring for his second-round world title matchup with Billy Kidman, which explains why the Filthy Animals are out here. There’s way too much going on right now, so let me stop to make three points that all sort of happen in the space of fifteen or twenty seconds: First, Tony S. notes that Smiley demanded that this be a hardcore match, which is a hell of a thing to ask for when your opponent runs with about seventy-two other people and you run by yourself. Second, Tony S. notes that TPtB have ordered a four-man ladder match for the U.S. Championship between Sid, Scott Hall, Bret Hart, and Goldberg. This means that at least three of these participants are wrestling later tonight, and maybe Hall, too, if they run his quadrant’s second-round matches; they didn’t show his quadrant in the opening recap of the bracket and rundown of tonight's show, but if they do run those matches, I’ll discuss that quadrant's bracket when they either show it on screen for the first time, or when the first match from that quadrant happens on this show. Also, that four-way ladder match should be on PPV, right? Even in 1999, that should be a PPV match, not a TV match. Third, Brian Knobbs and Jimmy Hart come to the ring, ostensibly upset at the idea that Smiley thinks he’s the new King of Hardcore in WCW. Knobbs joins the commentary table. Whew! Too damn much gping on! I genuinely wonder about Russo’s brain, and I suppose Ferrara’s, too. How do they lay out a show this busy and manage not getting annoyed or confused by the busyness of the show themselves? As for the match, Kidman spanks Smiley’s padded ass early, so that’s how this one is going. Smiley gets Kidman into wheelbarrow position, smacks his ass back, and hits him with a facebuster; then, he hits a Big Wiggle to a pop and thrusts his junk at Konnan. Soon after, Smiley tumbles outside and Knobbs grabs Smiley’s hockey stick and breaks it over his back while Eddy applauds. Knobbs tosses Smiley back in the ring, and Kidman covers for three in about a minute, maybe ninety seconds. What a tournament, folks! Sting is looking for TTP backstage, but Package is hiding. Well, you keep calling for FLEXY LEXY, and we all know that he doesn’t answer to that name anymore! We cut to TTP and Liz having a quiet conversation near an open dryer. Then, we cut again to David Flair walking into the arena and caressing a crowbar like it’s Torrie Wilson. So yeah, some stuff is happening. A WCW seamstress (seams-person?) helps dress Nash up like Carnac the Magnificent. Hall chases after some security dudes who have walked by, ostensibly there to find and protect Kimberly, I’d guess. Sting walks to the ring for that match against Goldberg that I mentioned earlier. No, wait, maybe he’s just here to talk. He demands that The Total Package come out and have a little confrontation with him and either threatens to fight or fuck him if he doesn’t appear. Take it either way. Liz comes out alone and almost gets tripped by that fucking ramp. Fuck you, WCW ramp. Liz tries to apologize in Package’s stead, but Sting’s face says that he doesn’t buy it. Sting gives her a little half hug that is creepy, and it’s meant to be, and she’s creeped out. Sting notes that Liz has a tan and toned arms like TTP, so she’s basically like the female TTP. Then, he suggests that maybe she should call her dopey male counterpart out here post-haste in what was a surreptitious threat to commit violence against her person as he plans to commit it against his suburbanite Chicago-area friend. Finally, TTP makes his way to the ring. Some guy is hyped to yell LUGER, YOU SUUUUUUCK, and Package is indeed garnering some solid heel heat. I like that Package is wearing a Pacers hoodie to disingenuously score points with the fans, but it’s not working. Package: “Can you believe these people?” Package asks Sting to mend fences. Crowd: LUGER SUCKS. Package wants to hug it out, and Sting comes in for a hug and ends up choking TTP in the corner. Sting: IF YOU EVER SWERVE ME AGAIN, I’LL GETCHA, I’LL RIP YOUR THROAT OUT NEXT TIME. If only he’d done that to Ric Flair a few years ago. In what comes off as a somewhat tasteless segment, Kimberly takes her jacket off and sits down in the back; the lights go out and David Flair threatens her while she vocally freaks out. I think the way it was shot, which had some implied voyeurism to the proceedings since it shot her from the ground up as she sat down in her slinky clothing, is what made me feel that way about it. Chris Benoit faces Madusa in another world title tournament match. This means that the fourth quadrant’s second-round matches are also a go for this show, so let’s recap them here: Quadrant #4: Chris Benoit vs. Madusa; Scott Hall vs. Lash LeRoux (again, I think this used to be Quadrant #3, but they flipped the right side of the bracket between last Nitro and this one). Anyway, let’s watch Chris Benoit commit violence against a woman! Yay! Benoit actually sells a bit for some of her kicks, does a standing switch or two with her, and even flips for her slow-as-molasses rana that gets two before bullying her with a chop. Evan Karagias runs down and yanks Johnny Boone out of the ring to complain about Benoit’s rough treatment of his lady. They end up brawling as Jeff Jarrett slides into the ring and confronts Benoit. They strike one another, and Boone, done brawling with Karagias, slides back in the ring and calls a DQ win for Benoit. Jarrett gets a mic and tells Madusa that since this isn’t the WWF, he won’t kick her ass, but he did have fun screwing her out of her tournament spot by getting her DQ’d. Oooooooookay?! Chavo Guerrero Jr. meets with Russo in the back to hear about the opportunity he’s won for defeating seven other lower-midcarders in last Thunder’s battle royal. The opportunity is to be an Amway salesman. That’s like selling Herbalife for a living, just as an analogy for you younger readers. I guess Chavo Jr. is also “fired.” I’m actually curious if any of those other six guys (I’m not including Iaukea, since I know he sticks around in a new gimmick) ever showed up on WCW television again. Wait, Regal definitely does, but in a specific instance at the very end of this watch-through. You know what I mean if you've seen it. Hacksaw Jim Duggan’s also got a new opportunity; he’s the personal custodial expert for TPtB. He scrubs a toilet, and somehow, that’s still too much TV time for him in 1999. Disco Inferno is wrestling Rick Steiner (on jobber entrance); this is a TV title match. Steiner kicks the shit out of Disco while the mobster kid from last week shows up with a bucket and gets on commentary. That kid might be the same kid who was the over-excited Lodi fan a few weeks back. I’m not sure, but it looks like him. Anyway, this fucking kid does an annoying commentary job in which he demands his money from Disco. Tony Marinara is the kid’s name, and he had concrete in that bucket as a threat to Disco; Steiner grabs the bucket and hits Disco with it, then lands a release German in the ring for three. Good to see that the Cruiserweight Championship is so well-protected as an important part of this show! Fucking Russo and Ferrara. Sting preps for his match with Goldberg; Goldberg preps for his match with Sting. Hall talks to these riot cops who I think were supposed to be for Kimberly when Nash walks in dressed not as Carnac, but as the Grand Wizard. I’m sure the Harris Boys – oops, Creative Control, I mean – got excited when they heard the Grand Wizard was in the building, but then were summarily disappointed when “of wrestling” was tacked on to the end of that title. Nash does a Grand Wizard impression that I think approximately 0.02% of WCW wrestling fans would get. What late ‘90s WCW fans were also well-versed in ‘70s WWF outside of DVDVR or the Observer boards? All the Nitro Girls contest finalists are in the ring; they do a dance. You’ll say that this is mere hindsight, but Stacy Keibler stands out as if she's the most obvious winner of any contest in the history of contests. She’s basically Real Madrid in Champions League when it comes to this contest. AC Jazz jumps in the ring and robotically rants, calling the contestants “skanks.” There are legitimately solid talkers in the group – Sharmell and Spice being the two most obvious. If Whisper were still around (she’s the one who is being replaced), you could probably get a decent performance out of her, too. But AC Jazz is terrible at this. Why pick her? She’s probably the least charismatic of the Nitro Girls, either her or Fyre. Spice comes down here, takes AC Jazz’s mic away, and actually has the talent to talk a little bit. This is pointless and stupid. They call each other “bitch” and “ho” and have a CATFIGHT and do the sorts of things that Russo thinks women routinely do. I mean, I’m not saying it never happens. I’ve seen women do exactly this to one another – the last time while walking past an Olive Garden parking lot in Yakima – but still! It’s not routine! There doesn’t need to be discord between every group of women in the company! This was just a fun dance troupe! The other Nitro Girls break it up while Tony S. yells IT’S A NITRO GIRL PULL-APART, which is way less punchy than CATFIGHT, in my opinion. So, these dopes Russo and Ferrara decided that they wanted to shoot a slasher film; as a result, we get Kimberly hiding behind a beam in a boiler room, freaking out while Davey Flair stalks her in the background. She’s got a crowbar of her own, or maybe she got David’s crowbar and hit him with it since Dave seems to be limping. She drops it, then picks it up and takes off while Dave limps after her. Seven floats to the ring. They get flame machines and a smoke machine and a zip line or whatever just to do this stupid entrance once and only once. I’m sort of glad to see Dustin Rhodes back in WCW, though, as I think he’s a pretty good hand and fun worker once Bischoff and Russo finally have nothing more to do with this product. Rhodes gets a mic, says he hates this gimmick, declares that GOLDUST SUCKED, and that he wanted to just be himself, except that TPtB think that he sucks and is boring. He decries being “dressed…up like Uncle Fester to play trick or treat all year.” He says that TPtB can shove all these dumb gimmicks up their asses and then kiss his ass. He says that his pops, good ol’ Dusty, called him and said that he was fired by TPtB. He's upset that TPtB treated pops “like a piece of shit” and vows revenge against them. I think he's SHOOTIN’, fellas! Anyway, he ends by modifying his Goldust catchphrase, and then we have to quickly switch away… …to Sting walking… …and to David Flair stalking Kimberly in a dark room. Wizard Nash and Hall try to get into Sid’s locker room backstage. Liz and TTP talk about how Package can make things up to Sting; Package gets an idea and rushes off. Sting comes to the ring to wrestle Goldberg. Goldberg’s entrance from his locker room all the way to the ring is longer than most of the matches on this show. It might be longer than this match, actually. Goldberg lands some strikes; Sting locks on a sleeper. TTP and Liz come down and Sting runs Goldberg into the ref as the ref confronts them. Liz tries to mace Sting, but I think she and Package are on the wrong side of the ring for the spot, and so is Sting, so Sting awkwardly moves Goldberg to the other side of the ring. Package causes the mace to hit Sting, and Sting staggers away and is hit with a spear and Jackhammer for three. The one spot that was the centerpiece of this two-minute match was so badly executed that this is going on the Dirt Worst list. Nash does some bad comedy and then offers the security guys to Sid for protection as a make-good for helping oust him from the title tournament the previous week. Rick Steiner barges in and wants to talk out his problems with Sid, but Sid blows him off. Package and Liz almost slip because Duggan is mopping the floor backstage; TTP helpfully tells Duggan that he missed a spot. Package gets an idea and takes one of the CAUTION – FLOOR SLIPPERY cones that Duggan is using with him. Kimberly runs up to a security guy and screams for help, but the security guy turns around and WHOA, it’s David Flair, he’s like Michael Myers without charisma or an iconic look! Vampiro cuts a Raven-lite promo while standing with the Misfits; he threatens Buff Bagwell. They show a couple of quadrant brackets for the world title tournament, but not the quadrant bracket that includes this Buff Bagwell/Vampiro match that’s next. The Misfits jump Buff on the ramp and stomp him out, then march him to the ring and toss him in there. Vampiro dominates, whiffs on a corkscrew moonsault, and sparks a Bagwell comeback. Buffoon fights off all the Misfits and turns around into a missile dropkick from Vampiro, but Berlyn runs down with a loaded fist and punches Vampiro in the back of the head; this sets Vampiro up for a Blockbuster that gets three. Berlyn and THE WALL, BROTHER beat up Vampiro and the Misfits after the match. Creative Control is not happy about Buff advancing because the two idiots in the back who write this shit are unhappy about Buff advancing, so they beat up Berlyn in the aisle while TW,B beats up Misfits in the ring. TW,B has to cart Berlyn out over his shoulders after he’s done tossing ‘90s rock stars around. TTP fakes a knee injury in the back by lying next to the caution cone he stole and pretending that he slipped. He calls for help. There’s a break, and we come back to medics claiming that Package’s knee seems fine, but TTP demanding that he be taken to a hospital. Saturn (w/Shane Douglas and Asya) tries to move on in the world title tournament against Bret Hart. Saturn poses, and Asya comically steals his shine by posing right in front of him. There is somehow still just over an hour in the runtime of this show. I have no clue how this is possible. Bret sells his ankle still being injured while Douglas does some mediocre commentary at the desk. Bret and Saturn trade arm wringers, and Bret gets the best of that exchange, drops a leg on Saturn’s arm, and wrenches the elbow. This would be a good twelve- or fifteen-minute match in a wrestling company that was run with any competence, but I’m just awaiting the interference. None of this matters, not even Saturn getting some control and targeting the ankle. Douglas freaks out over the Revolution being barred from ringside during the mixed tag match. Saturn lands an overhead pumphandle suplex, but misses an Asai moonsault. Bret lands a clothesline and a side Russian, then follows up with a backbreaker and a second-rope elbowdrop. That last move convinces Asya to get on the apron; Bret points her out, which diverts the ref and allows Douglas to land a cast shot to Bret’s head. Saturn looks for a DVD and hits it, but it only gets two. Bret gets spilled outside after a crossbody; Malenko runs down and attacks him, and Benoit runs down and attacks Malenko. Saturn dives onto both of them, then tries to sunset flip Bret on his way back into the ring. Bret rolls through the move and locks on a Sharpshooter for the submission victory. I mean, that was the best possible four-minute match full of interference that these two could possibly have. Kimberly pleads with Creative Control to let her into TPtB’s office earlier than her scheduled meeting with them. These cold-hearted bastards refuse. She storms off. Nash sits backstage with Hall and does a Carnac impression. “The answer is…3:16.” *rips envelope open*, “The number of times that Undertaker has wrestled a main event against Austin.” HARDY HAR HAR, YOU UNFUNNY FUCK. If there’s one thing this Nitro-era watch-through has done, it’s been to erode my appreciation of Kevin Nash. This guy sucks without someone to tell him “no.” Luger fakes an injury while sitting in a wheelchair backstage. Booker T. comes to the ring alone. Apparently, TPtB have suspended Stevie Ray for a week since Stevie was unable to escort Buff Bagwell from the world title tournament. Booker is apparently displeased. He grabs a mic and focuses on Jeff Jarrett and Creative Control, who combined to escort Booker out of the world title tournament. He wants to fight all three of them immediately, whether they come to him, or he has to go find them, basically. Jarrett and CC come out as I hit the ol’ mute button and get the feeling restored with Jarrett's proper entrance theme. Jarrett joins commentary and rants about having THE STROKE while Creative Control get in the ring for what Booker has declared is a Harlem Street Fight. Booker holds them off initially, takes a few blows, and then ducks a charge and dumps one to ringside before raining blows upon the other one. CC gets a bit of control gain, but Booker hits them both with a double-clothesline. Jarrett jumps in with the guitar and Booker cuts him off, but that allows them to all jump Booker. Midnight (*sigh*) leaps into the ring from somewhere and tries to help, but Jarrett brains her with the guitar. NICK PATRICK HAS SEEN ENOUGH. So have I. Jarrett gets on headset one more time to declare WHO’S THE SUCKA NOW, SLAPNUTS. Oh yeah, Jarrett is busy establishing one of the worst catchphrases in the history of pro wrestling; I almost mercifully forgot. Nash stands with the riot cops as Hall walks off. Nash goes over a few instructions with them. Tenay interviews Package, who I guess is trying to get out of a match with Sid Vicious later tonight. He tries to bow out because of injury, but TPtB has apparently told Tenay that if Package tries to duck Sid, he forfeits his world tournament match against Sting, which will NOT be happening tonight and will occur next week, if Tony S.’s declaration is correct. Who knows? Not even Schiavone does. Rey Misterio Jr. and Torrie Wilson face Dean Malenko and Asya, and I don’t care. Let’s just get to the finish. Asya sneaks up and handcuffs Torrie to the rope; then, they both attack Rey and his dodgy knee. Asya is perfectly acceptable in the ring, so I guess she was off TV to develop toward competence when she had to actually work. I don’t get why handcuffing Torrie was some big deal; it would make more sense if they got Rey out of the match and then stalked Torrie. Anyway, Rey whiffs on a Bronco Buster attempt on Asya, then gets posted and put in a Texas Cloverleaf that he submits to. The rest of the Filthy Animals chase the Revolution off and free Torrie after the match. Sid walks with the riot police as he heads to the ring to face Package. Kimberly hides in the women’s bathroom and sobs for a bit; David Flair comes up wielding his crowbar and Kim runs off. It’s Sid vs. TTP up next. Liz wheels TTP into the aisle so that Package can talk some more. Package apologizes to Sid and vows to be back for the title tournament next week – he claims to be inspired by Bret wrestling the tournament while injured in a funny little bit. Sting, meanwhile, sneaks up behind Liz, sees her off, and wheels Package down the aisle, tosses him out of the wheelchair, and tosses him into the ring. The bell rings and Sid stomps TTP out. Liz jumps in the ring and shields Package from Sid; Sid gently moves her out of the way and goes back to beating Luger down in the ring. What the hell, thinks Sid, I’ll target Package’s wrapped knee just in case it might be injured. The riot cops come to ringside, but they move aside so that Goldberg can jog to the ring and spear Sid. Luger offers his hand in friendship; Goldberg helps him up and then spears him, too. I believe that this match is over. We are BACK with Tony S. telling us that Vampiro and Berlyn are on in a one-on-one match at Mayhem. Brian Knobbs will be facing Bam Bam Bigelow next in a hardcore match; the winner faces Screamin’ Norman Smiley (who joins commentary) at Mayhem for the WCW Hardcore Championship, which maybe will get an actual title belt presented in the next two weeks? Possibly? Maybe not a stupid trophy this time? Smiley has questions about whether or not Bigelow has the health insurance to fix those missing teeth that he's had for years already, and Tony S. misses an opportunity to explain how the United States health care system developed differently than in most industrialized nations during the late 19th and early 20th centuries and that there isn’t a helpful NHS here to assist a guy like Bam Bam when, say, he rushes into a building to save people from a fire and catches severe burns. Or, for that matter, if Bam Bam gets injured under the employ of a company in an at-will state like WCW. I digress. This is your typical wandering brawl that goes backstage, where Norman follows with his headset to commentate some more. Kimberly runs up to Bam Bam and pleads for help with David Flair, and since Bam Bam and DDP are tight, he leaves the match to help her and gets counted out. In a hardcore match. Within the backstage area. Meanwhile, Smiley scraps with Knobbs and Jimmy Hart; Smiley puts Knobbs in a dumpster and wheels him away. You know exactly what list this match is being placed upon without me even having to tell you. Bam Bam, with Kimberly in tow, walks around backstage with a baseball bat looking for David Flair. Tournament update: Bret Hart faces Kidman to advance from Quadrant #1 and into the final four, and The Total Package faces Sting to advance from Quadrant #2, both next week. Chris Benoit will face the winner of Hall/LeRoux to escape Quadrant #3 and Buff Bagwell will face the winner of Jarrett/Hennig to come out of Quadrant #4, also next week. Scott Hall (w/Wizard Nash, riot squad) has that match against Lash LeRoux next, in fact. Tony S. and Heenan talk about there being a special referee in that Fatal Four-way Ladder Match; sure, why not add another gimmick on top of gimmicks. Hall takes LeRoux lightly, shoving him around and paintbrushing him, but Lash comes back with a couple of flying clotheslines and a dropkick. Hall bails. Nash offers Hall, uh, an aspirin and some Gold Bond medicated powder, I think. There might be vodka in the Gold Bond bottle. Hall gets back in the ring and takes LeRoux lightly, shoving him around and paintbrushing him, then hitting him with a chokeslam and hitting the Frankenstein's monster walk before donning a facial expression that suggests that he just remembered that the Giant isn’t in the company anymore. Chinlock, paintbrush, stomp, abdominal stretch. This is a slow, boring beatdown, even in a company full of two-to-four minute matches. Move it along. Nash loses his turban while throwing a punch at LeRoux. Hall is too lackadaisical and eats boots on a corner charge. LeRoux lands a flurry of moves, including a nice missile dropkick. He whiffs on a Bourbon Street Blues, though, and Hall punches him, then lands a fallaway slam when Lash hops into his arms on a crossbody attempt. Hall signals for a Razor’s Edge and lays LeRoux out with it for three. Post-match, Wizard Nash and the cops get in the ring. Nash and Hall celebrate for a bit before sending the riot cops out of the ring. They all exit except for one. The crowd chants for Goldberg as Nash sneaks up on the last cop with a handful of powder; the guard swats the powder back into Nash and Hall’s faces, then unmasks to in fact reveal Goldberg. This segment ends in spears and tears for Hall and Nash. Recap: Curt Hennig tries desperately to keep his career alive. One good thing Russo and Ferrara did was to get this WTRs group off TV. Sure, injuries also contributed to that, but still. So, Curt Hennig and Jeff Jarrett square off to move on to the most elite of eights here in WCW’s world title tournament. Hennig again jumps his opponent at the bell and obligabrawls with him around ringside. It heads back inside, where Jarrett sneaks a couple of flash pinfall attempts for two counts. Hennig bails and complains to his former manager Heenan that the ref is crooked, then does some more obligabrawling. Slick Johnson specifically diverts Hennig from continuing his assault, which lets Jarrett back into control, so maybe Hennig has a point. Eventually, Creative Control walks to the top of the ramp. They see their chance when there’s a ref bump. They run down as Hennig lands a Perfect Plex and drag him out of the ring, then destroy him at ringside and dump him through the announce table. Jarrett realizes that he has to pin Hennig to get rid of him, though, and tries to stop Slick Johnson’s count at four. CC try to haul Hennig to his feet, but Hennig fights it and loses by count-out. This is so dumb. Why wouldn’t TPtB just fire Hennig anyway if they really wanted him gone? I suppose the reveal that they wanted to psychologically torture the guy for awhile before getting him gone would make sense, but Jarrett would likely know that’s what the TPtB wanted in that case and wouldn’t have tried to stop the count. After the match, Jarrett lands the Stroke on Hennig in the center of the ring. It's funny that before this watch, I had quite a bit of distaste for Jeff Jarrett as a performer, and then watching his 1996/97 WCW run and some of his PPV stuff in 1998/99 WWF, I realized that actually, Jarrett is pretty great. But now he’s back having shitty brawls in 1999 WCW, and what it comes down to is that I hated his Ain’t I Great character as a kid (and not in the good way where I wanted to see him get beaten up), and I hate this Chosen One/My World Jarrett stuff from late-stage WCW and TNA. Jarrett’s work might be suboptimal right at this point in my watch, but I know he’s actually good and hope that at the very least, he’ll do some good stuff in the spaces between Russo and Bischoff running things. Back to the show: Kimberly walks alone through the backstage area…and that’s it. Did I miss something? Let me watch it again. No, she just walks while some techs stare at her. I’m confused. Tony S. is revealed to be wearing jeans with his tie and jacket because there’s no table anymore. Way to expose the guy, Russo, geez. This is like when I teach a class over Zoom while wearing a button-up dress shirt and my Kirby pajama pants. Anyway, I was tricked into talking about a blipment in which somebody just walks because Kimberly was just walking to the ring, is all that was. She gets a mic and says she’s tired of running from David Flair; she calls him out to the center of the ring. Whatever Dopey Dave’s gonna do to her, she says, he’ll have to do in front of thousands of witnesses. Dave walks out here looking kind of like Sandman’s illegitimate child after a bender. This is a set-up; Bigelow jumps him from behind, but Flair swings a leg back and clocks him in the balls, then clubs him with the crowbar. Kimberly climbs into the crowd, and while I’m worried for her safety out there in the middle of all these late ‘90s wrestling fans, some guy politely takes her hand as she struggles to climb the guardrail in her high boots and helps her get over the rail so that she can run off. Well, Indianapolis acquitted itself as well as any late ‘90s wrestling crowd could ever do thanks to that guy! Dave stalks Kimberly as she runs to her car. She does the horror movie trope where she drops the keys to give Flair time to stalk toward her. Flair gets on top of the car and smashes the windows with the crowbar. Creative Control walks up and runs him off, then brings Kimberly to her scheduled meeting with TPtB just in time. Here’s the main event: Scott Hall vs. Sid Vicious vs. Bret Hart vs. Goldberg in a ladder match for the U.S. Championship. Hall and Sid start fighting immediately before anyone else is announced. Bret hobbles out a few seconds later; Goldberg jogs out a few seconds after that. Meanwhile, there’s supposed to be a special ref reveal. It’s just Kevin Nash and some riot cops; Nash lugs the ladder to the ring. There’s some space-filler brawling, and as Goldberg whacks Hall with the ladder and Tony S. announces that TPtB brought Kimberly to that meeting to order that she face David Flair in a match at Mayhem. This is some fucking NONSENSE. Whatever, let me just tell you the finish of this match. Rick Steiner runs down to try and talk to his buddy Sid Vicious as Sid sets the ladder up and tries to get the United States title back. No, wait, by “talk,” I mean that he hits Sid with a diving bulldog. Ref Nash will allow it! This allows space for Bret to go up and grab the belt, but Nash whacks Bret in the knee with a pipe, takes the belt, and holds it up himself so that Hall can go up the ladder and grab it. IT'S JUST A PROP, BRO, WHY ARE YOU COMPLAINING?! These shows are SO BAD, but there’s something weirdly enthralling about how bad they are. It’s like watching a hyperactive, spoiled child with way more toys than he can ever play with bashing them around recklessly, losing them, and ripping them apart. You know, RFE WCW is like Sid (from Toy Story, not from that dope ’99 Havoc match against Goldberg) got to run a wrestling promotion. That’s what it is. Alternatively, these shows are like a fifty-car pile-up; I can’t look away, as disgusted and concerned as I am. Watching RFE Nitro is rubbernecking by definition. I guess that sort of badness is better than the boring sort of badness that Bischoff and Nash are responsible for…at least in small doses. Three months of this will be more than enough for me, thank you. -24.5 out of 5 Stinger Splashes.

That was great, and actually I don't think Bret or Sid get enough credit for being awesome in general at the very start of the Attitude Era. https://casetext.com/brief/reeves-v-world-championship-et-al_response Dellinger is mentioned many times in this racial discrimination lawsuit and might have been also quoted in another one. Bixenspan, among others (and as is alleged in this lawsuit) has noted that Dellinger would make the young black fans pay to get a chance at an autograph from the wrestlers, but not any of the *ahem* lighter-complexioned fans. I'm sure there is! I'm also sure he did in TNA, too! They seem like good hands who work light more than anything when it comes to the pro wrestling abilities. That has value, even if they're boring dudes who bring nothing else to the table. Is this auto-complete, or did you do this on purpose? Either way, I am stealing this.

Thunder Interlude – show number eighty-six – 4 November 1999 "The WCW Gang hopes that you like SHADES OF GRAY, BRO" It’s Hudson and Larry Z. at the desk for this taped edition of Thunder that we are hopefully going to enjoy together, dear reader… It’s a rare cruiserweight opener as Juventud Guerrera faces Evan Karagias…Maybe they’ll actually get to finish their match this time around…I genuinely am loath to get invested in this match because knowing WCW, they’ll want to continue the “joke” that these fellas can’t finish their match…It’s good stuff, though…Karagias has basically gotten good enough to have good matches with a superior opponent…I think he’s still got timing and spacing issues that pop up from time to time, but he’s alright…I do think he’s better as the powerful base for the fliers, though, or at least as a guy doing more power moves than flying moves…In this match, he hits a nice power slam and a sweet press slam…He also whiffs on a picture-perfect Asai moonsault, so he's having a good night in general executing MOVEZ… Yeah, we get another interruption…This time, it’s Screamin’ Norman Smiley…Smiley is from England, so he learned a bit of working Spanish since they're right across a small body of water and he probably likes his vacations holidays to Mallorca or what-have-you…Smiley announces that he’s the patriarch of the returning hardcore division…I didn’t realize before this watch-through that WCW did a stop-start half-assed deal with their hardcore division…Smiley promises a Hardcore Wiggle for everyone…This time, the cruisers attack Norman, who screams…He is able to dodge a double attack, and Juvi and Karagias dropkick one another…Norman wiggles, then leaves…What if we just let Karagias and Juvi have a good eight-minute match instead?...What if, indeed?... They need to mic these Revolution backstage discussions better…I think the long and short of it is that they’re open to recruiting for a new member… Mike Graham’s getting a lot more burn on these shows…He walks up to Sid backstage and tells the guy that his booking has changed…Poor Sid has a hangdog look on his face as he hears he has to tag up with Saturn (“naw, no, no, no”) against Rick Steiner and Chris Benoit (“the DFG is my buddy!”)…I sort of feel bad for Sid after seeing that segment… We come back to the arena and Hudson is like I WOULDN’T WANNA BE MIKE GRAHAM, but Sid was civil to Graham and just came off as disappointed…He didn’t harass Graham about what his bosses decided to do. He even called Rick Steiner his buddy, which is actually sort of charming (especially for a heel)…The funny thing about Sid is that whenever he’s shown talking to work-a-day dudes backstage, he’s a pretty calm guy!...I reiterate that Sid should have turned babyface a Nitro ago. Booker T. (w/Stevie Ray) heads to the ring for a bout against Kaz Hayashi….This is an interesting matchup, but we’re squarely in the Russo-Ferrara Era, or the RFE as I’m going to call it going forward to save a few keystrokes…I doubt this gets enough time to be a good television match…Booker breaks in the corner and grins like he knows he has an advantage…Booker leverages his size and power early…He hits a nice snap powerslam, but Kaz is able to roll away from a follow-up elbowdrop…Hayashi opens up with kicks and chops, but they just wake Booker up… Kaz runs with Book and wins out, a rare experience for Booker…He fakes a dive after Booker bails to the floor and is able to deke his way into scoring an actual dive…Stevie attacks Kaz when Booker gets sent back into the ring…Booker draws the ref’s attention while it happens even though he's a babyface…SHADES OF GRAY, BRO…Booker takes the advantage and lands a Book End and a spinebuster…He goes up top and drills a missile dropkick for three…See, I was right…Give it five or six more minutes and excise the Stevie cheating spot, and it would have been a very good TV match… The Filthy Animals run up on Doug Dellinger and distract him so that Konnan can pick his pocket and run through his wallet even though they're ostensible babyfaces, I think, still, maybe?...I mean, I think that IRL garbage human being Dellinger getting robbed is funny, but I don't think that's really in line with his presentation as a hapless, but hardworking security head on this show...SHADES OF GRAY, BRO…Anyway, that’s it, that’s the sketch… Rick Steiner interviews with Gene Okerlund in the locker rooms…Steiner is not happy about TPtB and their wonked-out booking, but he plans to stand tall alongside his buddy Sid at the end of the match… The story here, by the way, is that the TPtB are specifically booking matches around discordant tag partners because they think the drama will lead to people tuning in to see more of it…That’s a good shell of an idea for tyrannical heel on-screen characters, as opposed to the typical “executive wants to push his chosen champion over the popular babyface” deal…But the execution will be lacking… The Filthy Animals come to the ring…Eddy Guerrero faces Coach Buzz Stern (w/Luther Biggs)…It’s funny to me that Ray Lloyd got two WCW gimmicks that debuted as a time where there was a clear shift in the programming that made each of those gimmicks immediately outdated (or in the case of the Coach, even more outdated than it was when it already debuted)…He’s not any good as a wrestler, but that’s still rotten luck on top of it…This is pretty much a nothing match in which the Animals use their numbers to liberally cheat…Kidman hits a Sky High to set Stern up for a Frog Splash from Eddy that gets three…Biggs gets in Eddy’s face after the match and they kick his ass after doing the old shove-backwards-and-trip prank…Rey tapes it as they stomp everyone out…Hudson calls for the Revolution – the heels, mind you – to come out here and stop these nefarious Filthy Animals…SHADES OF GRAY, BRO… TPtB have given Curly Bill and Berlyn a tag title shot later tonight…They interview with Okerlund in the locker rooms…Berlyn raises a good point when he says, “Anyone from Texas shouldn’t be allowed to talk in the first place”…There are certainly some Texans whom I’d put on an exempt list, but basically, Berlyn’s got a good idea for an amendment to the World Constitution that I will be writing when I am made Supreme Leader of the Planet Earth... Recap: The rest of the first round of the WCW World Championship Tournament was completed on the previous Nitro…The results will SHOCK YOU, BRO!... Review: Sid has not been friendly with the Revolution in the past…How will they function now?!...How, indeed?!?!?... The Revolution tries to remonstrate with Sid backstage, but he’s disinterested in showing a unified front with Saturn against their tag opponents later tonight… Gene Okerlund interviews La Parka about his return match against Buff Bagwell later tonight…He cuts a promo, but TPtB “hilariously” subtitles it with references to He-Man and Skeletor…Fuck off, WCW… Here’s Buff Bagwell right now, looking bummed that TPtB wants him to job again…Larry Z. does his best to get this stupid-ass angle over…“[Buff] thought he’d be something special without earning it”…I complain about Larry Z. a whole lot, but when he’s focused on selling this stuff and not so focused on his golf game, he spits gems…Anyway, I don’t care about this match against La Parka because I’ve been informed that it doesn’t matter one bit…After posing and dancing and a few moves, Buff lands a Blockbuster for three, then tells the camera that he still ain’t doing a damn job… Gene Okerlund talks to the Filthy Animals in the back…Specifically, he talks to Konnan and Kidman about their upcoming tag match…Kidman did make me chuckle when addressing their opponents…“I want to know who the brainiacs are that put these two morons together”…Konnan sarcastically calls the idea to put together their opposition for tonight “money,” then threatens the Revolution and lets them know that their beef isn’t over just because Torrie is back in the fold… Alright, here we are…Kidman and Konnan (w/Torrie Wilson and Rey Misterio Jr.) face Berlyn and Curly Bill (w/THE WALL, BROTHER)…They do some bad pre-match mic work…Kidman and Konnan point out the fucking joke (that Curly Bill is doing a bad Cleavon Little-in-Blazing Saddles impression) before the match…We get it already!...We’ve all seen the movie at least once and heard some dude say They could never make this movie today; they’d be cancelled if they tried at least twenty times!...This match is fine, but I’m irritated now…All this pre-match jibber-jabber talky-talk sucks…Kidman and Berlyn work the bulk of the match and, unsurprisingly, do a good job of it…Curly Bill has one good move; his arm breaker...Berlyn and TW,B walk out on the match, but not before TW,B punches Bill in the head for no good reason…Konnan wins it with a Tequila Sunrise while Eddy, who came out here at some point, uses the Kid Cam to shoot it…It’s remarkable, but this Filthy Animals thing has made me sort of hate Eddy and Rey…What an accursed stable… Lash LeRoux talks to Gene Okerlund in the back…They talk about Disco Inferno…It bores me…The point is that Lash wants the Cruiserweight Championship… Gene Okerlund thinks that Van Hammer is the guy whom the Revolution wants to add…Hammer confirms that he’ll be their next addition to the group…Yeah, whatever, Private Stash…Imagine being excited to join the Revolution and eventually ending up in a stable that’s somehow even worse than that one… Lash LeRoux wrestles Silver King next…This is a short match that has glimmers of something better if it got more time…Alas, Silver King, a guy who can work and has a lot of personality in the ring, eats a Bourbon Street Blues, rolls outside and has a brief obligabrawl, then re-enters the ring and falls to a Whiplash that gets three…It’s too bad because King worked hard and flashed a bunch of fun offense…Why not do the Los Fabulosos thing and give he and Dandy a bit of a push?...They can get over with their work…Have Jimmy Hart manage them if you need someone to talk for them… There’s too much stuff in these shows…I don’t recall even the WWF shows from this time failing to give me at least a little room to breathe sometimes…That’s VKM knowing that sometimes, I just want to sit with whatever is happening in the moment, just for a second or two at least…These Russo shows have way the fuck too much going on…I’m careening from a match to a backstage interview to a guy walking to a backstage attack to an in-ring interview to another backstage interview to a match that’s not really a match because it’s interrupted by a guy who wants to talk some more…I think reading that previous run-on sentence illustrates exactly how it feels to watch these shows... Chris Benoit does a blip of an interview with Okerlund about tonight’s main event in which he threatens violence toward everyone, even Dean Malenko, who isn't in the match… Dean Malenko faces Van Hammer in what is apparently a try-out match for Hammer’s entry into the Revolution…Hammer thinks he’s Montel Vontavious Porter when he gets the mic before this match…Or Raven debuting in WCW, I guess…He’s all like YOU NEED ME, WE BOTH KNOW IT…The Revolution is annoyed…Hammer says he’ll also fight his way in by “kicking [Malenko’s] vertically-challenged ass right now”…Malenko immediately beats the fuck out of Hammer…Malenko targets the knee, so Hammer struggles to follow up on a counter powerslam…Hammer tries a struggle corner charge and gets badly punished…Saturn gets involved from the outside…Hammer tries one more comeback, but Malenko induces a ref bump so that Saturn and Asya can stop Hammer from landing a Cobra Clutch Slam…Malenko wins it with the Texas Cloverleaf…This proud Van Hammer Truther (he was actually a solid worker by the late '90s, dammit!) would like you to know that Hammer did a fine job selling the leg and timing his comebacks…Anyway, the Revolution kicks Hammer’s ass after the match… Recap: The Powers that Be are doing stuff…Madusa is getting a push in 1999 for some insane reason that I can’t possibly understand…So are the fucking Harris Twins…The RFE is baffling…Anyway, this is what happens when you let a guy who genuinely wants to unlock the gimmick/character potential of every midcarder* just go completely off with his gimmick ideas without any oversight… *who speaks English as their home language There’s a random eight-man battle royale between a bunch of midcarders…The winner gets an opportunity of some sort on Nitro…The losers are probably getting kayfabe and/or shoot fired…Scotty Riggs probably isn’t long for this show…Chris Adams, definitely…Jerry Flynn must be coming to the end of his run, right?…El Dandy is probably legit in danger…Regal turns right back around and goes up North again soon…I’m picking Iaukea as the winner because I know he does a Prince gimmick in WCW soon…Though Chavo Jr. is also out here, and he makes it to the end of this whole company…Here are the eliminations in order: El Dandy, Chris Adams, Scotty Riggs, Jerry Flynn, Prince Iaukea, David Taylor, and finally, Steven Regal…Chavo Jr.’s the winner…Put the Cruiserweight Championship on him, you fuckwad idiots Russo and Ferrara… Sid and Rick Steiner plot in the back…They plan another Fingerpoke of Doom…Sid wants Rick to take the fall, but Rick's not into it…Remember how sick we all got of VKM re-doing the Montreal Screwjob over and over to less and less effect?...WCW did that same thing with the fucking Fingerpoke of Doom in 1999…Oh, WCW… Why the heck were we all in a rush to take the TV title back off Benoit and put it back on Rick Steiner?...Hudson laments what Steiner did to him back on Nitro a few months ago (Show #200)…Anyway, this tag match starts, and Steiner tries to small package Sid after Sid pokes him, just like Scott Hall did on Nitro…Sid is irritated and powerbombs his former close buddy, then walks out…SHADES OF GRAY, BRO…Saturn and Benoit face off next…Benoit and Steiner have the man advantage, but after he snot rockets at Steiner, Steiner clobbers him, belly-to-belly suplexes Saturn, and leaves…So this is now a singles match…Benoit, who dominated Saturn before Steiner jumped him, goes back to dominating Saturn…He lands the rolling triple Germans and a diving headbutt, which is when the Revolution runs into the ring…The Filthy Animals soon follow…It’s a veritable donnybrook!...That I don’t care about, mind you, but still!... Stuff happened, none of it mattered, SHADES OF GRAY, BRO…It’s an OWWWW, and the first of many in the RFE…

Show #212 – 1 November 1999 “The one in which Russo and Ferrara possibly reveal their racial and gender politics through the booking, and also, they are almost certainly turning Bret Hart heel again for some nonsense reason” Bret Hart hobbles into the Outsiders’s locker room and calls them “slimeballs” and “pieces of scum” for their Goldberg attack last week, and look, this obviously signals yet another Bret Hart heel turn that nobody wants, right? I’ll be stunned if he just continues to be a babyface for the next few months. Bret wants them to stay out of his business. Scott Hall is wearing a shirt that has the Wu-Tang “W” on it made out of alcohol bottles, and it says BOOZE-TANG. This isn't a Wu lyric, but it fits here, in Russo and Ferrara's WCW: One nine, nine nine, Anno Domini, anything goes! Bret Hart limps his way to the ring next. He’s doesn’t have a rep for screwin’ people, and he doesn't like that Goldberg got screwed. Not on his watch! After crapping on Sid, Nash, and Hall, the Hitman says that Goldberg should really get this U.S. Championship title belt that he's holding back. Sid’s music hits; Vicious responds by saying that ACK-SHUALLY, it should be his belt. I continue to wish that they’d have just dubbed in his “Psycho strings” WWF theme instead of whatever this is. Sid claims that the ref shouldn’t have stopped the match at Havoc, and further, that Goldberg quit during their Havoc match. Sid demands his belt back; Bret responds by saying “Screw you, Sid.” Sid: SCREW ME? YOU WANNA SAY SCREW ME?! SCREW YOUR CRIPPLED ASS! *lays the boots to Bret* Hall and Nash enter the ring as Sid prepares to powerbomb Bret. They stop him from doing so, but they also award the U.S. Championship belt to Sid. Ah, I see; they want to beat up Bret instead. They don’t, though. They just mock him. OK, so Bret is in cahoots with one or both of those guys. Tony S. points out a steel cage poised above the ring, high in the rafters, waiting to be deployed. He doesn’t have a clue why a cage is here, though. Vince Russo, that’s why. We get our first shot of the full bracket for the tournament. Wow, as dumb as some of the booking of this bracket is, it’s an actual bracket that allows me to follow what the fuck is going on in this tournament! Let’s run down the brackets: Quadrant #1: The second-round matches have been set: Bret Hart vs. Saturn; Norman Smiley vs. Billy Kidman. Quadrant #2: All second-round matches have been set here as well: The Total Package vs. Diamond Dallas Page; Meng vs. Sting. Quadrant #3: We’re in the first round here: Chris Benoit vs. Dean Malenko; Madusa (back in the tournament) vs. Evan Karagias; Scott Hall vs. Sid Vicious; The Cat vs. Lash LeRoux. Quadrant #4: First round matchups include: Buff Bagwell vs. Stevie Ray; Vampiro vs. Berlyn; Disco Inferno vs. Curt Hennig; Booker T. vs. Jeff Jarrett. I have to tell you, other than the Madusa foolishness, this is a decently-set bracket full of wrestlers who they actually want to push. On that note, the remaining tournament participants also include zero Latin wrestlers. Konnan and Eddy were the only ones to get into the tournament, and they both lost their first-round matchups. Rey didn’t even get into the tournament! And they all speak fluent English as one of their home languages! This tournament actually had double the number of black wrestlers that it had Latin ones! In WCW! In 1999! [Editor's note: And three of those four black wrestlers are out by the end of the first round; sorry to get all WOKE SJW, but something tells me that Vinnie Ru has an *ahem* racial preference for the guys he pushes, at least until Sonny Onoo sues WCW for discrimination and he needs a black world champ right quick.] Saturn brings Torrie to the show on the back of his rad bike. She tries to run off after Saturn parks it, but Asya grabs her before she can get very far. It’s hard to hear what they’re actually saying back there; all you need to know is that the Revolution have brought their captive to the show, along with the dopey-looking leopard-print cowboy hat that she’s wearing. Where did she get that after a week in the company of the Revolution? Is it Asya’s? Over the past two shows, they’ve left a ton of the toy commercials in these recordings. I think someone who is very petty in the company made sure to have these commercials left in so that we could contrast all the commercials targeting young children on WCW television with the content of the Russo-Ferrara Era. Recap: Speaking of, immediately after that commercial, we get Randy Savage and Gorgeous George from last week, not dressed like you’d want a WCW toy figurine for kids to be dressed, let’s say that. Almost thirteen minutes in, we get our first match. Somehow, this is an improvement on a lot of the Bischoff-era Nitros from late 1998 through his firing. Vampiro and Berlyn (w/THE WALL, BROTHER) go at it in the first round, and the Dead Pool got dropped entirely, I suppose. Remember when Vampiro was trying to recruit guys, but threateningly, and they just ignored him, and he never got anyone to join their group? I sure do. Vampiro’s gotten a lot of stop-start booking in his run. He debuted, then didn’t show up again for months; he was set for a feud with Saturn, but Saturn got diverted into something else; he started the Dead Pool, but Raven left the company and the ICP have only been on TV to get shoved around by Goldberg backstage in the last few weeks. Anyway, we’re in the era where matches don’t last very long, so there’s not all that much to say about this one except that I think these two work well together in the short time they have, and I wouldn’t mind a longer match between them. Huh, about three minutes in, here come a bunch of people in face paint, including one that looks like Darby Allin. It’s a rock group called The Misfits. I’ve seen their t-shirts before. There’s a ref bump; TW, B jumps in, but when he hits the rope, the Misfits yank the top rope down so that he tumbles to the floor and one of the Misfits nails him in the head with a chair shot. Vampiro goes up for a dive, but gets counter-dropkicked. Berlyn tries a slam near the ropes, but two Misfits trip him and hold him down as Vampiro falls on top of him for three. TW, B grabs a mic and hands it to Berlyn, who complains about the stupid United States even though a Canadian just beat him. The Outsiders sit in the back; Nash says he doesn’t have a manager’s license and can’t be at ringside for Hall’s match against Sid later tonight, but he’ll be Hall’s promoter “like the guy with the shoulder pads…[I’ll] give you a downside, whaddya think?” Hall: “Did you start smoking again?” Boy, these two must be in shoot-bang heaven, being given all this promo time in the Russo-Ferrara Era. The Revolution have Torrie locked in a cage; they wheel it to the ring as Douglas makes a lot of jokes about how kinky it is that she's caged up and talks about how they’ll treat her like a filthy animal if she wants to claim that she is one. Recap: This Filthy Animals/Revolution feud has zero heat with me. I just don’t care about any of it. Benoit vs. Malenko is more interesting, but I ultimately would prefer not to see them wrestling each other, or teaming with each other, or doing anything near each other at this point. Let’s move them onto different tracks, please. The male members of the Revolution head to the ring to talk at us, unfortunately. After Douglas rambles a bit, we get the first instance of a match type that Vince Russo fucking LOVES – an “On a Pole” match. In this case, Saturn proposes a “Cage Key on a Pole Match” to Eddy Guerrero later tonight. He promises to fuck Torrie if he gets the key. Ew. The Revolution in general sucks, man, except for Saturn. The rest of them can fuck off to Nowheresville, or maybe RAW, since I have no plans for watching through that show during the Attitude Era ever again. Malenko threatens Benoit, and Benoit gets a mic and responds. Somehow, he knew that the Revolution had a cage for Torrie and got The Powers that Be to put a cage up in advance of their world title tournament match later tonight. Ah, shit, Nash has a make-up artist turning him into Vinnie Mac so that he can go out there and do his Vinnie Vegas-level comedy act. While last week’s Mayhem Match of the Week is recapped, I wonder if these WCW Mayhem for N64 and GBC codes that they sometimes flash in the recaps still work. I wrote one down and plan to try it at some point when I pop Mayhem back into the ol’ N64. Security stops the Filthy Animals as they enter the arena and asks for their passes, so they beat him up and jack his shit. Recap: DDP vs. the Flairs. Show another wrestling match, dammit! We’re thirty minutes in and have had one five-minute-ish match! Mike Tenay interviews Kimberly as she stands backstage with the Nitro Girls behind her. Kimberly somberly updates Tenay on DDP's injuries and then quits the group (which gets a bit of a shocked, low boo from the crowd). Well, at least someone figured out that Kimberly being a babyface when she’s with the Nitro Girls and a heel otherwise is pretty dumb. The Cat (w/ladies) versus Lash LeRoux is our MAYHEM MATCH OF THE WEEK. The Cat is a funny guy with a lot of charisma who will excel in a talky promotion that has gaga-ful three-minute matches up and down the card. I look at how the Cat is dressed and think, Wow, there’s a lot of leopard print on this show. I think this is the first time that the Cat does his spot where he blocks a sunset flip, crotch chops, and punches his opponent. The Cat lands a Boogie Elbow, but trips when he runs the ropes because he’s wearing his clunky red slippers; he kayfabe reinjures his knee and LeRoux locks on a deathlock in about 45 seconds for the submission victory. Bret cuts a quick interview with Tenay in the back. He calls Sid a “big stupid dummy,” as is his way. The rest of the Nitro Girls have apparently let Spice (who’s got a little bubble going, I never noticed that, sorry for sharing this with you, but it genuinely surprised me when they showed her from the side) lead the troupe since Kimberly is gone. No, wait, it’s AC Jazz, I think, who doesn’t like that idea. Of course, BITCHES BE CRAZY in Russo’s mind. It took two seconds for this team to fall apart after Kimberly left. Because of my educational background and career, which are both female-dominated, I have perpetually had more female friends than male friends since my college days. In other words, they should let me write these shows since I actually have spent a lot of time around women who don’t destroy the harmony in their friendships at the drop of a hat. What is up with Russo’s weird ideas about women? Kidman, Eddy, and Rey try to pull a Porky’s by using the Kid Cam to catch Liz changing in TTP’s dressing room. TTP thinks he has a bye in the quarters since Page is hurt, but Liz says that TPtB are thinking about possibly replacing Page with another wrestler and then offers a sheet full of potential future tournament matchups. TTP gets the list and sort of freaks out, but then he asks Liz what she’s going to do as his manager and takes it the comedy route, asking LIZ, WELL?! LIZ, WELL?!?! over and over more quickly so that Liz shoot laughs and, uh, we get the WCW production crew ending the segment on camera? Was that supposed to be a shoot or a work or, you know what, I can’t be arsed to care, as someone from the north of England whom I used to be acquainted with would say. Tony S. updates us on Scott Steiner’s whereabouts; he's recently had back surgery. Welp, that’s it for any last shred of mobility that Scotty had in his body. We get a Scotty hype video and then a Scotty interview held by Larry Z. at Steiner’s home. Scotty talks about his decision to finally get surgery after going through multiple epidurals (ouch!). He got a few ruptured discs removed and says that he’s about three months out from returning if all goes well. This show genuinely misses him, and I think it’s pretty crazy that he is likely going to miss the whole first Russo era. You know as soon as Russo can get Scotty to safely fly, he’s getting him on television for a live promo segment or two. *sigh* AC Jazz attacks Spice during a dance routine in the ring. *sigh* Mike Tenay interviews Buff Bagwell in the back. Buff complains about how he’s being booked, *sigh*, and spoils what happens to one of the main characters at the end of Titanic. If you haven’t seen it yet, and you’re preparing to, avoid this episode of Nitro until you do. Kevin Nash teases his bad VKM impression, which is about as bad as his bad Arn Anderson impression. AC Jazz and Spice CATFIGHT (going forward, please read it in annoying-ass Joey Styles’s voice when I write it in ALL CAPS like that) in the back. Buff Bagwell faces Stevie Ray in a world title tournament match. Match number THREE on this show, and we’re an hour in including commercials. If I’d come to one of these fucking shows with all the backstage stuff going on and little in-ring action, I would feel entirely ripped off. Stevie has a mic as he comes down. He has a strap. Apparently, this is now a strap match. They talk about TPtB and following orders. It’s stupid. We don’t talk enough about how much Russo loves a random gimmick match in general, much less matches involving objects hanging from poles. Funny enough, the cage being added to Benoit/Malenko actually does make some faint sense. This match is short. Is this supposed to be a REAL fight, and TPtB sent Stevie down to kick the shit out of Buff on purpose? And if this is all fake anyway, why wouldn’t the writers, who don’t like Buff and want to job him out, just remove him from the tournament and stick him on WCWSN and Worldwide? That’s actually how this would go if they were realistically trying to bury Buff. Anyway, I’ve thought too long about this because I know Russo and Ferrara’s dumb asses are too stupid to consider it. The Harris Boys, AKA Creative Control (*sigh*) run to the ring and chase Buff away, drawing a DQ win for Bagwell. Booker comes down and helps Stevie away from ringside. Mike Tenay interviews Jeff Jarrett in the back. Slappy, the Stroke, I didn’t hit Liz, I want TTP’s public apology, I will use my pull with TPtB to get his booking all fucked if he doesn’t, etc. Kevin Nash does a bad, unfunny VKM impression in the ring. You know, putting Russo and Nash together is obviously a huge error in hindsight. Nash was headed down this road anyway! Russo just allows him to indulge in his worst instincts! There’s not even an ASSHOLE chant, but he has to pretend that there’s one so he can quip away and finally get a weak ASSHOLE chant going. Goddam, this was bad television. He brings out Scott Hall. Hall says that he’s on two strikes here in WCW, so he's not going to burn bridges like Nash is right now just in case he needs to find a new job soon. He does, however, insult McMahon’s clothes, and I did chuckle when he asks if Nash-McMahon shops at “Jacque C. Penney’s” in a faux French accent. Of course, he immediately follows with a WE GOT YOUR ATTITUDE RIGHT HERE *crotch chop* that he's sending out to the “boys up North,” so the moment is quickly ruined. I think that I prefer this sort of “lots of very bad segments that don’t go too long” format of the show to Bischoff’s “lets do one, maybe two bad segments, but they’ll go on forever” format. I still think the Tonight Show nonsense that Bischoff insisted on doing every week was the worst that WCW has ever been. TTP and Liz walk up to Meng and tell him that Jeff Jarrett was talking shit about him taking so long to finish off Madusa last week and that Jarrett was passing out bananas as he talked shit, which I thought was just a racist way to harass black soccer players in Italy and Spain, but apparently is a racist jibe against people from the Pacific Islands as well. Meng gets enraged. Curt Hennig promises to save his career and win the world title in a short pre-match interview against Mike Tenay. Disco Inferno vs. Curt Hennig is next. Larry Hennig is here and we’re in Minnesota, so Hennig beats Disco up in front of his pops. Hennig tries to get a quick win with a barrage of offense as he did last week. There’s an obligabrawl. You know how it is. After a couple of minutes, we rush to the finish: Disco blocks a PerfectPlex while some dorky kid dressed like he’s a mob underling (complete with Yankees neck pendant) comes up to the ring. Disco leaves, pleading with the guy, and gets counted out. Eddy agrees to the match with Saturn in a backstage interview. I think my reviews might eventually get somewhat shorter for Nitro because if Russo wants to book a bunch of talking to nowhere, he can have at it, but I don’t need to report or review much about it. Norman Smiley is outfitted in a baseball catcher’s outfit even though he’s from Northampton and probably should be dressed like a well-padded cricket player. Aren’t the batsmen in cricket well-padded, or am I wrong? I wonder if this poor bastard went into a sporting goods store asking about cricket equipment and had to spend half an hour explaining what he meant to some confused American salesperson. Nash-as-McMahon dreams of being one of the boys and the world champ, then drops a GET IT?! to the camera. Much like Seth MacFarlane, Russo and Nash think that if you reference something, the reference is inherently funny in and of itself. You don’t need to tell an actual joke; just drop a reference. In a triple threat hardcore match, Meng faces Norman Smiley and hey, a Barbarian (w/Jimmy Hart) sighting! Meng and Barbarian clubber while Smiley tries to pick his spots. Smiley tries a lariat and a trash can shot on Meng, but no dice. This is dumb, but Russo is very lucky that Norman Smiley is a funny dude who is good at comedy spots, so it ends up working out okay. They beat each other with plundah, with Smiley getting the brunt of the attacks, as the crowd actually chants NOR-MAN for a while in support. I said this in the previous Nitro review, but if you got or stayed over in the Russo Era, that means a lot to me about your prowess as a pro wrestler. That also goes for doing the same in the Nash Era. Smiley works an injury angle and gets stretchered out after the ref calls for a stretcher. We see more of Smiley painfully pointing to his chest than of the match. Suddenly, halfway down the aisle, Smiley spots that the Barbarian and Meng laid one another out on the TurnerTron, and he hops off the stretcher, rushes back to the ring, and pins Barbarian to win the match. Then, he hits a Big Wiggle on top of the commentary desk to a pop that was loud enough to surprise me. Huh. Hacksaw Jim Duggan wore a suit to beg for his job in front of TPtB. OK, this is unintentionally (?) hilarious. Duggan, trying to argue that even though he’s old, he still has value: “[I’ve] been wrestling for twenty years, and I’ve got more fan support than a lot of these guys out there that are doing the dropkicks.” DROPKICKS?! He thinks that the best example of crazy advanced wild MOVEZ~ are DROPKICKS?!?!? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, oh WOW, that’s amazing! He hits the doe eyes and is like I had cancer, you can’t fire me, please. We hear Russo's response off camera; the cold-hearted bastard doesn’t give a fuck about how many kidneys Duggan has or doesn’t have if his kidneys don’t help the ratings. Nash-McMahon is in the back dropping more Vinnie Mac quotables. Backstage, TTP tries to set an angered Meng after Jarrett. Jeff Jarrett definitely hasn’t been given his Kid Rock knockoff, which is too bad as it really fit him. I might need to cue that up right next to the Ernest Miller James Brown knockoff. Hold on. There we go, I did it and then replayed Jarrett’s entrance on mute with the theme playing on YouTube, and it just hit differently. Jarrett wants his public apology from TTP for the insinuation that Jarrett hit Liz with a guitar. TTP and Liz hit the top of the ramp to respond. Package says he’s sorry, and Jarrett says he should be because he’s not in the WWF and is not compelled to bash women with guitars anymore. TTP says he heard that Meng was behind the attack. Jarrett reacts in disbelief and calls Meng a “giant ape” who took forever to defeat a fifty-year-old Madusa. Then he says that if he were fighting Madusa, he’d show her! But non-violently, since he's not in the WWF. Meng runs down and chases Jarrett away; Package is upset that Meng didn’t beat up Jarrett, but Liz thinks that Meng is a real man because he came to the aid of a woman, unlike certain people. Then she maces him for some reason, and Package beats Meng with a pipe. I do get that Package is trying to clear his side of the bracket and make the Final Four without fighting another match, but it’s somewhat contrived – why didn’t he just jump Meng directly and dispatch with all the extra stuff? Still, I get the general idea. Nash-McMahon and Hall try to find Sid backstage, but he doesn’t answer the door to his private locker room when they knock on it. Oh yeah, Package and Sting are still friends! TTP tries to get Sting to be tag champs with him again, but Sting really only has the capacity to care about getting the world title back. Sting says he’ll do it, but he has zero fucks to give. It’s a SHARK CAGE KEY ON A POLE MATCH because Vince Russo is a moron. Anyway, let’s get through this Eddy Guerrero (w/Filthy Animals) vs. Saturn (w/The Revolution) match. Can you believe I typed “let’s get through this” about a match between Eddy and Saturn? Tony S. points out that TTP is probably trying to tag with Sting to get the Stinger out of his side of the bracket somehow. I think this more jaded Sting is smart enough to see that coming, but then again, he is Sting! Saturn forklifts the cage out here as Tony S. is vocally enthralled with Torrie's mostly-uncovered boobs before immediately saying, in a sympathetic voice, “It’s probably been a rough week for young Torrie Wilson.” These shows already have so much unintentional comedy. If it’s going to be like this for the next three months, a bunch of stuff to laugh at that I wasn’t supposed to laugh at, it’ll be bearable. The bell rings. There’s an obligabrawl. Eddy tries to get the key immediately. He fails. There’s some more brawling. It’s pretty good, honestly! These fellas will put on something watchable even in the dumbest conditions. However, Russo and Ferrara have only amplified something that was a problem in the main event: All that matters is the finish. They’ve just made it prevalent in midcard matches on top of it also being prevalent in main event matches. Anyway, they brawl some more, and then Eddy tosses Saturn into the cage, where Torrie chokes Saturn out with a rope. Poor Eddy can’t reach the key! He’s too short for it! The other Animals try to help him, but he waves them away and just leaps for it, which does the job. That was pretty funny, though whether it was a planned comedy spot or the WCW techs legit didn't help the guy out, who knows? Torrie is back with the Filthy Animals! I guess this is proof that sometimes, even when you win, you lose. Nash-McMahon and Hall talk to Sid. So, this is funny: They’re all supposed to be in on the bit, and Nash-McMahon tells Sid to trust him, which causes ‘Nam-style flashbacks in Sid’s brain and causes him to slip into Syko Sid mode: TRUST YOU?! LAST TIME I TRUSTED YOU TWO YEARS AGO, [and] MY CAREER’S BEEN IN THE SHITTER [since then]. Nash lifts his wig up to remind Sid that he’s not really Vince McMahon, and Sid touches his forehead like he’s waking up from a dream and mumbles, “I-I’m sorry. Just gonna clear [my head] for a second.” OK, that’s the first time anything from these sketches was actually funny, and it played on Sid being a total nutbar, of course. Sid really is the best. You know, there are only forty minutes of air time left, and we still have four whole world title tournament matches to go. Tenay tries to trap TTP into admitting that he's doing some shenanigans, but Package stops him by saying, “What is this, a Jim Gray/Pete Rose remake?” YouTube that one if you weren’t alive back then, readers. Or just substitute Jim Gray and Pete Rose with Bob Costas and Vince McMahon if you need something of a similar, though not exact, reference that you might have actually seen. Billy Kidman and Konnan (w/Filthy Animals) come to the ring to defend the tag titles against Sting and TTP, and they’re so pressed for time that Konnan doesn’t even get to hit his Catchphrase Roulette. TTP is hilarious, as he asks the techs and then Penzer where the hell his spotlight is. Package is a funny dude when he wants to be. So, hilariously, Package has Liz strip him while Sting beats up Konnan and Kidman in the background. OK, this is another example that explains a key element of Russo/Ferrara writing; when they try to be funny, it only works if the guys they gives the material to are charismatic and comedic enough to elevate it from mediocrity. They can’t write a goddam comedic beat that works on its own without a talented wrestler to make it work. Package fakes a knee injury so he doesn’t have to take any damage and just lets Sting do all the work. Wow, TTP is a real piece of shit, you know? Sting destroys both of the midcarders with little challenge anyway, but eventually Rey and Eddy run in and the numbers game gets to the Stinger. Konnan grabs Sting’s bat and hits him with it. I actually think TTP’s machinations are pretty good, especially because Luger’s absolutely nailing this shortcutting scumbag characterization. Sting shoves Package after the match. Friendship off! Again! Hall negotiates a Fingerpoke of Doom finish with Sid for their match later on because the former is pretty apathetic about pro wrestling. Sting stalks the back looking to fight the Filthy Animals. Booker T. faces the CHO-CHO-CHOSEN ONE Jeff Jarrett. Hmm, I wonder who will win this match? Jarrett jumps Booker from behind in the aisle as Book makes his entrance. Obligabrawl to start. Booker gets a 2.9 in there off a kick before we go back to another obligabrawl. Creative Control, who’d never miss a chance to commit violence against a black man minding his own business, come to the top of the ramp and await their chance. Booker scores another close two count, then looks like he’s headed for victory after a Book End, an axe kick, and a Spinaroonie. That’s when Creative Control hit the ring, slide Jarrett’s guitar to him, and distract Booker so that Jarrett can pop him one with the guitar for three. Goldberg cuts an interview with Mike Tenay on the Ready to Rumble set. Weirdly, though Tony S. named the movie directly at the top of the show, a graphic shows up here that says the interview happened on the set of Slam. I assume that was the code name for the movie or maybe an earlier draft title. Oh, WCW. You can’t even get the little things right. Goldberg vents about Sid and the Outsiders and promises to make all of them bleed a whole lot at some point in the future. It’s a good, intense bit of interview work! It took a single night for the Nitro Girls to split into factions. As the ladies argue in the parking lot, Nash-as-McMahon shows up to drop some more McMahonisms and wink at the camera. Tenay talks to Evan Karagias backstage; Karagias is unsure about wrestling a woman and also is very into Madusa as a potential sex partner and maybe even a more serious short- or long-term mate. Tenay talks to Madusa backstage; Madusa is irritated at TPtB and insinuates that she’s going to use whatever she’s got in her bag to manipulate this situation. Madusa and Evan Karagias have a match. Madusa? More like Sedusa! See, that’s a reference to The Powerpuff Girls, so since it’s a reference to something you might recognize, that makes it a joke, and you should be laughing right now. Madusa uses Karagias’s attraction to her to basically do whatever she wants. She is possibly the least sexy woman ever, but that’s not going to deter Karagias! They basically do a mating dance in here, and Karagias presses Madusa on top of him for three. Then, they make out. Vince Russo and Ed Ferrara, everyone! Dean Malenko faces Chris Benoit in a cage match next. Also, David Flair and his crowbar have shown up to the arena, but that’s less interesting than this Malenko/Benoit match. Benoit hits a sick powerbomb on Malenko early. I’m a bit confused as to whether this is escape rules or not because Malenko keeps scaling this thing. Maybe I missed the announcement about how you can win it from Penzer. Benoit peppers Malenko with strikes as Malenko begs off. Finally, Malenko dodges a dropkick and gets a bit of purchase in this contest. Malenko rams Benoit’s head into the cage a couple of times, then tries a Tombstone that Benoit reverses; Benoit drills Malenko with the piledriver, then calls for a diving headbutt. He goes to the top of the cage, but Malenko catches him before he gets there and hits him with a super Electric Chair drop. Saturn rushes the ring and scales the cage. He tosses a chain at Malenko, but Benoit shoves Malenko into the side of the cage, knocking Saturn off of it, and grabs the chain. He lands a chain-assisted punch and then a top-rope diving headbutt that gets a massive pop and a three count. Saturn attacks Benoit with a diving Savage Elbow off the cage after the match, and the rest of the Revolution beat the crap out of the guy after the match. They handcuff Benoit to the ropes and tee off on him. The Filthy Animals run down for the save, though Asya actually pulls a Chyna by ripping the chain keeping the cage door closed away and landing a lariat on Rey. Rey tries to get his revenge by hitting a Bronco Buster on Asya, but Dopey David Flair runs down with the crowbar and whacks all the Animals with it; then, he gets the key and uncuffs Benoit. Meanwhile, as Konnan backs up the ramp, Sting jumps him and kicks his ass. Very busy post-match segment! David Flair leaves the arena, but someone runs him down with their car in the parking lot…and it’s Kimberly who steps out of the driver’s side of the car, confiscates the crowbar, and leaves Dave lying. Hall stands over a knocked out Kevin Nash in the back. Sid comes to the ring to face Scott Hall. They replay the Fingerpoke of Doom, but when Sid leans over to pin him, Hall sneaks a small package for two. Sid dominates from there, though Hall makes a late comeback. There’s a ref bump on a Sid chokeslam of Hall that quashes the comeback, but Bret comes back out here on his crutches and cracks Sid over the back with a crutch as Sid sets Hall up for a powerbomb. Hall begs off, and Hart whiffs on a crutch shot at him. Hall scrambles away, pins Sid, gets the three, steals the U.S. Championship, and jogs back up the ramp as the show ends. I had originally written something short and flippant about this show’s quality, but I deleted it because we’re at the start of the Russo-Ferrara Era, and I want to talk a bit about this show. There is one thing that Russo and Ferrara are doing that I like, and that’s having branching feuds. One thing that I always thought was a bit silly was the idea that all these wrestlers are backstage, but they stick to one feud at a time. The heels, especially, seem like they'd naturally be constantly picking fights with a few guys at once. I thought, as busy as it was, that the post-match stuff after Benoit/Malenko was sort of interesting. The Filthy Animals have beef with The Revolution, but also pissed off the Flairs and Sting; David Flair wants to get at the Animals for obvious reasons, but has also taken on his father’s feud with DDP and Kimberly; Malenko is angry at Benoit (in my mind for the same reasons that Stevie is quick to turn on Booker), but he can’t get at him for very long because the Animals are right around the corner. When used sparingly, but effectively, weaving multiple feuds together in a match or a segment is a fantastic way to add some complexity to what is ultimately a very simple set of narrative tropes in pro wrestling. However, the shades of gray stuff for everyone's characterization doesn’t work and dampens a crowd’s ardor for their favorite wrestlers as they try to decide who to root for, and frankly, if you’re cutting down on actual wrestling so people can talk about how much they hate each other and walk around backstage with purpose more often, then I’m not going to appreciate the storyline stuff as much because storylines should be in service of wrestling matches and not vice versa. Anyway, this show was bad. -18 out of 5 Stinger Splashes.

You know, I'm not sure I've met anyone who has genuinely loved that movie! What did you love about it? (I've still never seen it, actually.) Brock is a far more versatile performer than Goldberg, TBH. Goldberg is all serious intensity all the time. Actually, it's funny that they don't like each other because he's basically like an American Bret Hart with the very serious IRL personality. Bret's actually got a great sense of humor, though. It's just very dry. I'm not sure that Goldberg has ever laughed at or cracked a joke in his life. Brock, on the other hand, has that sort of puerile frat boy sense of humor, the sense of humor of a dickhead bully who does it because it's fun, and if you smack him in the mouth because you think that'll make a bully back down, you're wrong and he'll twist your knee up behind your ear. He can pull that out of his character development arsenal when he's not being super-intense. I don't quite understand this sentence, and I am baffled that they might stick Stacy Keibler with El Dandy and Silver King. If I am understanding you wrong, don't correct me because I want to find out when I get there. It takes two seconds of thinking to explain why all this falls apart. I'd rather Russo had just ran a WCW version of Brawl For All if he wanted to do the "this is real, but the other stuff is fake" nonsense.

The Midnight Express vs. Barry Windham and Ronnie Garvin I think the U.S. Tag Team Championships from 1987 to some point in 1989 produced a lot of bangers w/r/t feuds and matches. Actually, I also think the Eaton/Lane Midnights (my favorite iteration of the Midnights) had a lot of bangers w/r/t feuds and matches in that time frame, too. I’m not sure they were physically and mentally capable of having anything worse than a good match. I’m sure I’ve seen this before, especially because it’s now been over a decade (!!) since I watched through everything 1986 – 1989 JCP on YouTube (some decent soul went to work putting every Worldwide from this time period up as soon, bless them). I need to go back and watch it again on the Network proper at some point. This match, as you’d expect, is good at a baseline. It annoyingly hides a transition by going to commercial break, which is a demerit against it. But crazy-ass Bobby Eaton takes a backdrop on the unpadded floor, which is a plus (though Eaton getting up from it quickly to help trap Garvin is sort of a minus). They work a headlock as a hot tag tease that leads into a missed babyface tag; it is very well executed. Too many wrestlers aren’t good at working headlocks in general, and lots of missed tag spots feel contrived. Neither of those were problems in this match, and the missed tag had everyone in the perfect position that it seemed not only plausible that the ref (Teddy Long, so a good hand in his own right) would have missed it. The crowd sure responded to it. The Midnights had this deep bag of heel tag team tricks they could pull from, and they were masters of every one of those tricks. Stuff that I see other teams do that has little effect, or that I might roll my eyes at because it’s done with poor timing, positioning, or logic, the Midnights pull off every time with little effort. One of the WCW/JCP tropes in longer tag matches that it takes a very good heel team to pull off properly is the double-FIP segment with multiple hot tags in which each babyface team member needs to go through hell and each babyface team member needs to have a fiery hot tag segment. This happens here, and let me credit the babyfaces for their roles, too. Garvin and Windham bring the fire when they’re the hot tag and they do a lot of nice selling and struggling from the underneath position when they’re playing FIP. By the time Garvin comes in on the second and final hot tag, it feels like this match is the perfect length and we’re at a crescendo. The finish is wild, of course, because Cornette and his racket are involved. It looks like the babyfaces are cooked, but Barry Windham can’t monitor everything. While he’s handling Cornette, Lane is landing a chair to Ron Garvin’s back. Eaton covers Garvin while Lane tosses a downed Teddy Long back in the ring, and that’s the ballgame. I love a good finish where the wrestlers pile "end match" trope on top of "end match" trope so that you can’t figure out which of these tropes will actually signal the finish. In this one, it looked like the finish could have come after any one of the finishing run spots, and in fact when Cornette whiffed a racket shot and hit Stan Lane before the actual finish, I thought maybe that would be the signal that the match was over. I think this went over that baseline of "good" into "very good" territory, especially the busy finish. For my money, the Midnights are the best tag team ever. It’s probably one of the more boring, standard opinions that I have about wrestling, but man, they’re excellent. Eaton/Lane and Condrey/Lane both. They're the ideal tag team(s) in my mind.

I can't agree with the bolded part myself. Goldberg cut some excellent intense promos, including earlier on Havoc where he was excited to make Sid bleed some more, for me to get close to agreement with you on this one. He won the first belt in a wonky way (by injuring Sid beforehand), then caught Sting on a night that Sting had ostensibly prepped for the Hulkster. I don't think any of it felt like overkill. The Vegas crowd was also very into it. If there's any fault w/r/t the U.S. title, it's that they put it on Sid in the first place so that he could mimic Goldberg's streak. That title would have been far better off with Chris Benoit defending it in competitive matches within the upper-middle of the card rather than taking it off Scott Steiner to put it on David Flair and then giving Benoit one PPV win after capturing it against DDP before having him drop it to Sid. As an aside, and I'm not trying to pin this statement on you at all, I'm talking generally, people often talk like Goldberg steadily lost his overness in 1999 after his first loss and the Fingerpoke of Doom follow up, but that's not true. He is as hot as he ever was the whole year. Him beating Sting in a match that was 60/40 Goldberg seems fine? I know it's not what you want to see, but I can't quibble with the layout or the ending. 100%. Young men, middle-aged men, and old men alike enjoy attractive women, but this is pro wrestling, not Pornhub. If anyone wants to argue that Liz in a sexy dress valeting Luger is outmoded, okay, but it's also something that I can look at, accept its outmoded nature, and still not be deeply embarrassed to watch.

Thunder Interlude – show number eighty-five – 28 October 1999 "The WCW Gang keeps trying to remind you that the show is all an illusion, but nothing seems very illusory about Sid or Chris Benoit's performances" Let’s see if and when Thunder changes sets and openings under the new regime…I would expect a fuller refresh any show now… Juventud Guerrera opens the show against Evan Karagias…Ah, this is announced as a return match from a couple of Nitros ago when the Hitman busted up the proceedings…Juvi wins a shoulderblock, gets hip tossed, avoids a dropkick, and wins a headscissors…Then, as he did before all that action happened, he signals for the Juvi Driver in the most suggestive way possible…This is some quality pace on this match…Larry Z. talks about how the field in the big world title tournament is now wide open with Goldberg out of it…Karagias has taken over at this point and scores a couple of two counts…Juvi regains control and targets Karagias’s knee while the crowd briefly chants that JUVI SUCKS…Weird, the week before, there was nothing but unbroken crowd heat, but now, the sound of the crowd is far more off-and-on… *sigh*, Sid walks down and, as Bret did a couple of weeks ago, is like, Please stand aside sirs, I have something to say…Sid pretends that he’s still undefeated…He says that he should be considered the winner of the Goldberg match at Havoc and says that he has proof…Sid says that if anyone wants to try and defeat him, for real for real this time, they can take his challenge that he’s issuing to the roster…Chris Benoit comes out and tries to get “silent, but violent” over…Uh, I don’t like it for multiple reasons…Sid shakes the hands of the competitors whose match he interrupted and pretends that he’s going to leave without powerbombing any cruiserweights, but you know better than that, right, dear reader?... There’s a pretty young lady behind the commentary desk who is cracking me up…She desperately wants to get on TV…She’s got a sign that says I’VE GOT THE PUPPIES (arrow pointing downward) over her head and is waving frantically at the camera…So goofy…We cut to Gene Okerlund interviewing the Maestro…It’s so bad, man…It’s so “indie worker who clearly doesn’t have the personality to go farther than the main events of his regional promotions”…Don’t let the Maestro do this again!... Chavo Jr. walks through the back yelling for Goldberg…Mike Graham is sitting backstage and is like, You know he’s in Los Angeles shooting a movie, and what are you doing trying to get your ass kicked by Goldberg, anyway?...Chavo says he thinks this is a pretty good way to get some TV time…He’s not wrong!...Walking backstage with authority and purpose definitely gets you a segment or two… Prince Iaukea wrestles the Maestro next…The Maestro, as I’ve said before, is a passable worker, and I think Iaukea’s a fun underneath guy, so this is fine…I wonder what a cup of coffee in a big company can do for you when you return to the indies…Like, how long did the Maestro eat off of selling his gimmick to Randy Savage, then getting some TV time on post-peak WCW television?...Anyway, the Maestro finally gets a win on Thunder with an STF, which he calls The Encore…He locks it on again after the bell in a literal encore… The men of the Revolution are walking backstage!...See, Chavo was right… As we unfortunately relive the dumb Torrie Wilson kidnapping plot, the Revolution come to the ring…I’m not entirely sure that Shane Douglas is a good promo…He just yells a lot and sprinkles cuss words into whatever he’s saying…Shane says that Torrie is stashed away somewhere safe…Malenko says that he plans to win his world title tournament match against Chris Benoit on the next Nitro in the most stilted voice ever…I like Saturn, but I’m not sure he should ever be the best talker in your group…Anyway, Silver King and El Dandy come to the ring to enhance the talent of the revolution while Douglas joins commentary… King and Dandy do a double superkick spot in which a) their boots come nowhere near Saturn’s head in the chosen camera angle and b) you can see them slapping their thighs as hard as possible…Well, that totally broke the magic for me…Let’s just get to the ending…Wait, no, Saturn landing a top-rope knee on King while Malenko had him in backbreaker position brought me back…Shane, while Malenko chokes an opponent: “Don’t you love Malenko’s new attitude?”…Me: He was doing that in May of this year; it’s not all that new!...Dandy does a much better job of hiding his bicep slap as he throws an uppercut…This match was actually a pretty action-filled bout…Malenko wins with a chain shot and a Texas Cloverleaf on Dandy… Chavo is still walking backstage!...Two segments, buddy!...Good for you!... Nitro recap: Tenay said, “This ain’t your father’s Nitro anymore!”…But I liked my father’s Nitro!...Anyway, we get a review of each of the first-round matchups in the world title tournament… Gene Okerlund talks to Harlem Heat backstage…Stevie has Curly Bill on deck later tonight…It’s time for the first edition of Stevie Ray Insults the World: “punk-ass sellout” and “fruit-bootied sapsucker” are the big, dumb, funny ones that he drops on Virgil Vincent Curly Bill…Booker starts to talk about getting the tag titles back, when from off camera, the whole trio is confused by a loud voice yelling GOLDBERG…GOLDBERG, WHERE ARE YOU, YOU COWARD?!...That counts as a third segment even though you didn't actually show up in it, Chavo…Nice job fitting yourself in again!... I guess along with worked shoot nonsense, Russo and Ferrara love meta-humor…That makes sense, as those tropes are cousins… The Revolution gets into their car in the parking lot…It blows up when they start the engine!...No, just kidding, not this time, either, but I still think Russo is itching to book a car bomb or two… Why in the world do we need to interview both sides of the Stevie Ray/Curly Bill affair?...I guess Hennig is done with the WTRs, what with having to be more focused on saving his job and all…And also Barry Windham and Bobby Duncum Jr. are hurt anyway…Bill cuts a terrible fucking promo in which he attempts humor and fails badly at it…I love that every time Virgil Vincent Bill gets into a new group, it lasts for less and less time after he enters it…The first solid humor in Bill’s presentation tonight comes from Penzer, who announces Bill as from “South Pittsburgh, Texas”…Heh heh… Booker joins the desk and talks about his upcoming world title tournament match against Jeff Jarrett…While I am excited about one specific Booker/Jarrett world title bout, that’s not for another few months of TV time, unfortunately…Stevie obliterates Bill…He brings Bill out and tosses him over the commentary desk…Booker is pretty funny in this sequence…Booker: *fake concern in his voice* “Oh my goodness, Curly Bill, are you okay?”…*pretends to check on Bill, disrespectfully slaps him*…Then, because Tenay has lost his headset, Booker takes over on color and does a proto-Black Snow deal…For some dumb reason, there’s a ref bump so that Bill can use his boot to hit Stevie…Booker doesn’t quite call his own run-in, but he does pop up from the desk and clear Bill out with a roundhouse kick so that Stevie can recover and land a Slapjack for three… The Filthy Animals, you guessed it, are walking backstage…OK, after this show, I have decided that unless the [somebody walking backstage] blipment is important to the show, I’m just going to skip typing it out…Just assume that everyone in WCW is walking backstage at any and every given moment unless otherwise noted… The Filthy Animals hit the ring after the break…They are pretty over, but they are also in San Diego, which makes sense…Oh, yeah, I guess somehow the Revolution stole their car last week?...Eddy and Rey chased them in a white Cadillac last week…I think that might have been the same car the Revolution left in a few segments ago…OK, hold on, so last we saw these groups, Rey and Eddy chased the whole pack away in their car…*something happened*…The Revolution still have Torrie and also now have the Filthy Animals’s car…I think that’s where we’re at…That *something happened* is an off-putting plot hole, but it’s more fun to pay attention to than the DREADFUL mic work displayed by all the non-Konnan members of this group…You’d be hard pressed to think that Eddy would ever be a star based on his mic work while a part of this stable… Lord Regal, Squire Taylor, and Commoner Adams come to the ring…This is a trios match, and Rey is the odd man out who joins commentary…He’s such a bad talker at this point…You have to credit the folks in the WWF for getting both he and Eddy and molding them into legitimately strong promos…Rey does try to borrow twenty bucks from Larry Z., which is funny…Larry Z. knows better than to say he has it…The tag match is actually solid since five of the six guys range from “above average” to “elite” when it comes to the ring work…Kidman is FIP, but Adams misses a diving clothesline from the top…The match breaks down after the hot tag…Rey pops up from commentary and beats someone down at ringside while Eddy drops a Frog Splash on Taylor for three in the ring… Chavo Jr. talks to someone on the phone…He gabs about getting himself over by calling out Goldberg…He’s found a cheat code to getting cameras to follow him around a WCW wrestling show…HOW META… Gene Okerlund interviews Berlyn and THE WALL, BROTHER backstage…Berlyn speaks English because we’re a bunch of monolingual idiot Americans…Well, except for a significant percentage of tonight’s live audience, which includes a good proportion of Mexican Americans…He does his typical shtick on the mic… Lash LeRoux comes to the ring…He cuts a bad pre-match promo about his upcoming world title tournament bout against the Cat on Nitro…This San Diego crowd seems baffled by his Cajun accent and his gratuitous French speaking (another mark against Berlyn’s comment about monolingual Americans)…Chavo is his opponent…He grabs a mic and says I WANT YOU ALL TO KNOW I’M LOOKIN’ FOR GOLDBERG; YOU SEE THAT PUNK, YOU LET ME KNOW…Chavo may not live through the next Nitro…Tenay lays out the tournament schedule, which includes the final four and the championship match at the Mayhem PPV…He also announces a Sid Vicious/Scott Hall tournament match on Monday… In the ring, Chavo and Lash have a decent match…Both men exchange two counts and control of the match in general…Chavo is the babyface to a seemingly sizeable contingent of women right near the mics…Lash totally fucks up the spacing for a Hot Shot and dumps Chavo on his face…He then lands a Whiplash for three… Kidman uses the Kid Cam to spy on Buff laying out his upcoming match against Scotty Riggs in the back…Riggs and Buff talk about Riggs getting the order to go over, 1-2-3…*sigh* The Cat and three conventionally attractive women step out of a limo…And the Cat’s growing out his hair…Aw yeah!...Twiztor pointed out in a post earlier that the Cat was the rare person to come through Nash Era booking better off than he started it…He’s about to do that again during the Russo-Ferrara Era…That’s impressive in its own way… Berlyn (w/THE WALL, BROTHER) head to the ring…Huh, a now-rare Jerry Flynn (w/Jimmy Hart) appearance…Mike Tenay is excited about the new WCW movie being filmed…They need some extras to come on by the set in Los Angeles…They’re giving away a new truck in a sweepstakes and offering free food to everyone who shows up…I, for one, will not be stopping in the middle of this series to review Ready to Rumble…This is a decent enough television match that is fit for any B-level wrestling show…Tenay explicitly said that he found new respect for Sid at Havoc, but now, and I quote, “it’s back to square one”…It is, and it’s a shame that WCW didn’t capitalize on Sid’s performance at Havoc by turning him babyface immediately…Hart tries to attack Berlyn and gets piefaced by TW,B…Flynn hangs himself on a kick attempt and eats a damaging punch from TW,B…Berlyn covers for three… Chavo has recovered from the Whiplash and once again yells for Goldberg in the back before Sid pops up around the corner, goozles the poor guy, and yells LOOKIN’ FOR SOME TV TIME?! WATCH WHAT YOU WISH FOR ‘CUZ YOU MIGHT GET IT, then tosses the underrated and underutilized Chavo across the top of a tiny dumpster of the type that you'd dump your industrial cooking grease into. The Cat (w/a trio of ladies, a growing head of hair) saunters down the ramp…There’s no Sonny Onoo to be seen…Apparently, Miller injured his knee…That explains why there hasn't been hide nor hair of him on WCW television for awhile…Miller insults the folks in the audience, then declares that he’ll beat everyone still in the world title tournament in a single night…That’s it; this is just to re-debut the guy… Buff Bagwell is angrily walking…I guess he tried to get the match ending changed, but no dice… Benoit talks to Okerlund in the back…The former says that he’s going to cure Sid of any delusions that he’s still undefeated…Then he tells Okerlund that if the veteran interviewer runs across Malenko backstage to deliver him a warning from Benoit…Short and sweet… Since Russo et al. have made it clear that Buff’s matches don’t matter since they’re explicitly pre-determined, and the only thing that does matter is the finish that Buff was denied the opportunity to change, let me skip to the finish of his match against Scotty Riggs…Buff sneaks a small package and holds on so that Riggs can’t kick out…Riggs and Mickey Jay are upset over the unplanned finish… And now Sid and Benoit are actually going to fight each other next…No finish planned ahead of time at all, unlike the previous match, at least as presented on screen…Russo and Ferrara just don’t get that when you tell fans that the action in one of your matches doesn’t matter, they eventually get the message that maybe none of the action in any of the matches matters… Sid and Benoit have an even brawl to start, but Sid lands a clothesline and makes a bit of space for himself…Sid sits Benoit up top, but doesn’t capitalize immediately and gets hit with a missile dropkick for two…Sid kicks out with authority, launching Benoit to the floor where a short obligabrawl starts…Benoit barely grazes Sid with a low dropkick as part of my least favorite transitional spot, but Sid is able to dump Benoit back outside after eating a bit of leg damage…The folks in the front row start a SID chant… We get a second, longer obligabrawl dominated by Sid…He rolls Benoit in and covers for two…Sid tries a Shinonomake, then turns it into a slam for two more…This is a good heel control segment from Sid…Benoit eventually fights out of the corner with strikes, so Sid lands a big boot to calm things down…Sid applies a bendy chinlock and yells RING THE BELL…Sid really is having quite the run for himself lately…A Sid rib breaker only gets about 2.5…He follows up with a front slam, but again, Benoit kicks out…Sid gets frustrated that Benoit won’t stay down, stares at the ref, and glares at the crowd… A BEN-WAH chant starts, and on cue, he ducks a Sid lariat and hits a German Suplex…He goes up and tries a diving headbutt, but Sid’s easily up and out of the way…Benoit is able to get back to his feet first because a little head injury means nothing to him…He scrambles over and locks Sid in a Crippler Crossface…Saturn and Malenko have showed back up to the arena and attack Benoit, but Sid has had it with these dopes and powerbombs them both…He powerbombs Benoit for good measure…The Filthy Animals jump the Revolution from behind as the show ends…The fuck finish doesn’t get in the way of the fact that it was a good match…Sid and Benoit are a good pairing… This show overcame a lot of bad mic work and dumb worked-shoot meta commentary bullshit and ended up being enjoyable enough…WOO…

That is the stylization some fans are taking to online, I should have noted. I personally don't trust a man who loves Nazi iconography, and I never will, but I can't speak to his positioning of black wrestlers.

Show #211 – 25 October 1999 “The (first) one that helps me empathize with my friends and family who are diagnosed with adult ADHD, based on what those people tell me about how they sometimes experience life” Sting (in his everyday Steve Borden attire rather than his Sting attire) storms around the backstage area screaming for J.J. Dillon. He tosses a few things around the backstage area in anger while he yells. That’s it. Sting comes to the ring. He has his white tee tucked into his jeans like some kind of dork. I guess the Stinger’s gonna SHOOT, probably. I know that I said that there’s no way Russo can be that much worse than Nash when it comes to booking these shows, but also, is it February of 2000 yet?! Sting SHOOTS about backstage politics while some guy insistently yells GOLDBERG KICKED YOUR ASS. He did! Goldberg did kick his ass! He demands that Dillon get down to the ring, and Dillon appears forthwith. Sting obliquely refers to a “lousy situation” in which Hulk Hogan apparently laid down for some reason that has not yet been explained, so he tried to help the company out by challenging anyone in the back to a match as a make-good, but he never said a damned thing about putting up the gold. Dillon agrees with him, and no one cares because the belt is just a prop anyway, BRO. Dillon says that Goldberg shouldn’t be champ, but The Powers that Be have stripped him of the gold because he, um, attacked Charles Robinson after the match. This may be the one time in Nitro-era WCW that anyone has ever stripped someone of a title for attacking a WCW official. Now we’re getting a 32-man World Championship tournament, and considering WCW’s stellar track record with tournaments, I’m sure this is gonna be well-run and of only the quality that WCW can guarantee. Sting attacks Dillon to send a message to Russo et al., hitting him with a Stinger Splash and locking him in the Scorpion Deathlock, until Goldberg runs down and attacks Sting; security eventually separates them. What if, get this, what if we didn’t do some bait-and-switch bullshit and just made Goldberg, the most popular wrestler in the company, the champion? Wow, look at Tony S. trying to class up the joint with his coiffed hair and natty attire! This is the third fucking title tournament of the year in WCW, I think. Am I forgetting one like I forgot one of Randy Savage’s WCW World Championship reigns? The Tag Title tournament was completed in 1999. There was a United States Championship tournament, too, yes? I think this is the third tournament, but if there’s a fourth one that I forgot, please forgive me; it’s WCW, after all. Holy shit, we have a bracket graphic! Russo, you brilliant bastard! You know he was like BRO, I TOLD VINCE, HEY, WE NEED A BRACKET FOR THE DEADLY GAMES TOURNAMENT, BRO. HE DIDN’T GET IT, BUT BRO, I KEPT TELLING HIM, AND WE ADDED ONE, AND BRO, BRO, YOU GOTTA BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY THIS, VINCE TURNED TO ME AND TOLD ME I WAS ONE BRILLIANT BASTARD FOR ADDING A BRACKET FOR THE TOURNAMENT ON THE PAY-PER-VIEW. Quadrant One of the tournament includes these matchups: Bret Hart vs. Goldberg; Saturn vs. Eddy Guerrero; Norman Smiley vs. Bam Bam Bigelow; and Billy Kidman vs. Konnan. Quadrant Two: The Total Package vs. a Steiner Brother (Tony S. says it’s Rick); DDP vs. David Flair (bwahaha); a mystery opponent vs. Madusa (oh no, not Oklahoma, please, NO); Brian Knobbs vs. Sting (though Tony S. says Sting will face Hugh Morrus – ah, the dangers of putting up a bracket and then asking a WCW commentator to talk us through it). Tony S. also flogs a Goldberg/Hitman U.S. Championship match, or maybe it’s both a tournament match and a U.S. Championship match? I don’t know. [Editor's note: Yep, they're the same match.] The Outsiders show up to the arena with a cooler, where Mike Graham informs him that TPtB have booked them to wrestle. They’re like, Hell no, we spent all last night with strippers and now we’re gonna drink beer, and Graham can’t help but crack a smile at that. Tony S. is still insisting that WCW New Year’s Evil is happening on the 12/27 Nitro in Houston. Last week’s match was the one that crowned Rey Misterio and Konnan the tag champs, and a week later, there have been two more champs since then (VACANT, Harlem Heat again). Look, I totally forgot a Randy Savage world title reign during a well-booked championship scramble in early 1996 WCW. There is no chance that I’ll ever get things one hundred percent right when it comes to the titles in 1999 and most of 2000, so please, commenters, give me some grace and also correct the hell out of me when need be. Mike Tenay talks to Norman Smiley in the locker room about his world title tournament spot; Smiley was not a fan of all the hardcore shenanigans from last week’s match against Horace Hogan and promises to scientifically outwrestle and then Big Wiggle all over Bam Bam Bigelow tonight. In fact, our Mayhem Match for this week is Bam Bam Bigelow (w/loads of plundah) against Norman Smiley. Smiley comes down the ramp looking concerned about the plundah. Bammer saw that interview and says that this is now a hardcore match. Sure, I suppose that TPtB are fine with that. RATINGS, BRO. Smiley tries to hide behind Nick Patrick, then screams as Bigelow wallops him with some of the plundah. Eventually, Smiley lands an accidental trash can shot by toppling onto Bigelow after having the can stuffed over his head. He hits a Big Wiggle and covers Bam Bam for three. Tenay is like TPtB loves the ratings, so they’re going to make the Outsiders wrestle before he asks the Outsiders how they feel about this. Nash is like I’M RETIRED AND ALSO DRUNK. Hall and Nash then argue over whether or not they have to report to Mike Graham. I’m an adult, Russo et al.! I have an attention span! It hasn’t been ruined by my smart phone yet! Recap: Ric Flair and the Filthy Animals are feuding. They stole that dude’s wedding ring. I know this is supposed to be SHADES OF GRAY BOOKING, BRO, but these dudes jacking Ric’s wedding ring is comical as fuck to me. They’re babyfaces. Except for the fact that they insist on bringing Torrie out here with them. Here come the Filthy Animals, looking awfully uninjured. I’m going to look like a dumbass trying to figure out which injuries are worked and which are shoots over the next few months. Kidman and Torrie take video of each other’s asses (yuck) with the camcorder, also known as the Kid Cam, while Eddy cuts a promo that I think doesn’t have the tone that the rest of group is trying to project. It’s a little too intense. We see video on the Kid Cam of where they took Ric after they drove away with him in the ambulance at Havoc. So, after Flair got his ass whipped in a field earlier in the year, this time he gets dumped in a desert and has dirt kicked on his body. 1999’s been a rough year for Ric Flair in kayfabe, and knowing about his life, probably IRL as well. Kidman cuts a goofy promo in which he declares that Ric Flair is cooked and Harlem Heat is next. These guys cannot cut a fucking promo except for Konnan. Rey promises to hump us all like the dog that he is. Yuck. Dean Malenko and Perry Saturn fire down the ramp and attack the Animals with weapons. Torrie Wilson escapes the ring and backs up the ramp into Shane Douglas and Asya, the latter of whom detains Torrie. If you two bury her in the desert, you’ll be the babyfaces in this household! Curt Hennig is upset that TPtB are trying to phase him out; he claims that they said if he loses, he’s out of WCW. So Russo and Ferrara are babyfaces, then? Hall and Nash try to sober up with some coffee. Nash says that when he goes out for an interview at the top of the hour, the censors need to have their fingers on the buttons. Funny: Nash asks if there’s a three- or a seven-second delay, and Hall asserts that they’re working under “Big Poppa Pump rules,” so it’s seven seconds. Heh. Curt Hennig faces Lash LeRoux. C’mon, Lash! Win this for me! Win this for freedom! Win this for America! Hennig jumps on Lash immediately and tries to get a quick pin; meanwhile, Disco Inferno joins commentary. There’s an obligabrawl and all that; Disco puts Lash and the Power Plant in general over on commentary. He even appreciates Lash’s ballsy move to attack him after the Havoc match. He does not, however, appreciate Lash’s sideburns. Meanwhile, back in the ring, Lash sets Hennig up for a Whiplash, so Hennig punches the ref while on Lash’s shoulders and then grabs a chair and cracks LeRoux with it. Disco tries to back Hennig off and gets clobbered, too. So, is Hennig’s career cooked? Commentary said that Hennig has to explicitly get pinned, so I’m guessing that my earlier paraphrase of what Hennig said that TPtB told him is just a bit of a lazy paraphrase. We’ll go with “Hennig needs to get pinned" going forward. The Filthy Animals hustle through the halls looking for the Revolution. Dean Malenko has gone from face to heel to face to heel in 1999. He’s on that Big Show wave. Bret Hart gets out of his car in the parking lot and hobbles into the backstage area; Goldberg laces up his boots backstage. I do not like Bret’s chances, in other news. Kimberly is a scheming heel when not hanging out with the Nitro Girls, and is a bland babyface when hanging out with the Nitro Girls. SHADES OF GRAY, BRO. Fyre is an ASU grad. I’d suggest that you can’t have a true dance troupe full of conventionally attractive women if at least one isn’t an Arizona State grad. Oh no, Jeff Jarrett walks out holding a guitar, ready to bash some unsuspecting woman over the head with it. Does Jarrett get his “Cowboy” knockoff on the Network, or are we getting a dub? The music he came out to tonight was a dub, but maybe he didn't have his knockoff theme yet. Jarrett threatens to “stroke” all the Nitro Girls, and says Kimberly can kiss his guitar, too. Jarrett says he’s going to be the next WCW World Champion, and it’s a lock because he’s the CHO-CHO-CHOSEN ONE. Jarrett also says that Buff can’t do anything about it and that TTP Lex had better come out here and apologize to him for that last attack unless he “wants to take the next Lex Express outta town.” He swears that he didn’t attack Liz. He's probably lying. Or Goldberg will actually have been revealed to do it in a shock heel turn. Who knows?! (Wait, Goldberg does cut a heel turn at some point, but I seem to recall grey-haired Eric Bischoff there in the photos of this event, so maybe that’s a Russo/Bischoff stupid creative move that won’t happen for a few months.) Mike Tenay interviewed Sid Vicious after the Havoc match. Sid doesn’t care that he earned anyone’s respect; all he cares about is getting back at Goldberg when Goldberg least expects it. Then, he cackles like the Green Goblin. I love Sid, man. He’s the best. Saturn comes to the ring for his tournament match against Eddy Guerrero. Is Eddy even in the building, or is he chasing down Torrie somewhere? No, he’s here with the rest of the Filthy Animals. Saturn grabs a mic and says that if any one of the non-Eddy Animals touches him, they’ll never see Torrie again. Saturn: “Hit the bricks, jabronies. BYEEEEEE.” Saturn is pretty cool sometimes, fellas. Eddy goes right at Saturn and they proceed to have a short match, as is the style of the time on TV. Eddy has his abdomen taped up, and he takes the tape off and ties Saturn’s leg to the bottom rope as the crowd chants EDDY SUCKS. Eddy lands a basement dropkick on Saturn’s leg, but gets backed off by Slick Johnson and rushes past him to eat a Hot Shot from Saturn. These two have great chemistry together, but they really shouldn’t try that hard in Russo et al. era WCW. Saturn works on Eddy’s ribs and abdomen; they trade abdominal stretches before Saturn rakes Eddy’s eyes and hits a release overhead belly-to-belly. The crowd is now quiet because both guys are basically heels, but they wake up for a Saturn springboard clothesline that tumbles both men outside. There’s an obligabrawl which is evenly fought; Saturn dumps Eddy over the railing and gets back inside the ring. While Saturn draws the ref’s attention, David Flair runs down and whacks Eddy in the ribs with a crowbar at ringside, then dumps Guerrero back in the ring. Saturn locks on a Rings of Saturn that gets a quick submission and escapes through the crowd before the Filthy Animals can run back down here and get at him. Nash talks to Hall on a couch backstage; Nash says that he’s going to enact the Jim Morrison plan to stop the show and avoid having to wrestle. I initially thought that he’s going to get in a bathtub and overdose on barbiturates, but no, he just threatens to get naked, no barbiturates involved. The Revolution are holding Torrie Wilson in a storage room in the back. Douglas thinks that they have the perfect hiding spot, but a cameraman found them, so maybe it’s not that perfect. Also, Benoit clocks Malenko with a chair when Malenko walks off to take a leak, so if Benoit found him, I think maybe they should consider an off-site location for keeping Torrie. Malenko shrieks like Norman Smiley when Benoit tags him in the back, and it’s hilarious. Benoit locks the rest of the Revolution into their little storage area, then beats down Malenko in front of them. The Crippler spits in Douglas’s face, lands another chair shot on Malenko, and rips Dean's Revolution shirt off of his body before stuffing it in his mouth. The Wolfpac theme hits and the Outsiders come to the ring to oppose the start of Monday Night RAW. HEY YO is one of the most popular catchphrases of the age, and I think we sometimes forget that. They say that they’re here at the request of TPtB to join the party in Phoenix – Kevin Nash’s current abode of residence according to Hall (WOOOOOOO! cheers the crowd, but really, he lives in Scottsdale). Speaking of popular catchphrases of the age, Nash hits a WOLFPAC OUTSIDERS IN THA HOUSE and then says that they’re not doing what the TPtB tell them to do, as is common for these two when it comes to addressing whichever folks run WCW. Nash prepares to set off the folks in Turner S&P, but Goldberg comes out to the top of some stairs in the crowd and tells the Outsiders that he’s going to fuck them up quite badly later tonight before leaving. WHAT UP, MACH comes over the PA system, and as Macho Man and George come out dressed pretty much like a stereotypical pimp and sex worker, I think to myself that if only Savage had stuck around for the Russo Era, they would have gotten together and produced some truly objectionable television that would be legendary. I bet if you peek into all the alternate universes where this happened, WCW is axed from the Turner networks before July of 2000 in every one of those universes. Savage says that “Russo [and] the vultures in the back” who are hoping that he makes an ass out of himself on TV so they can run him out of WCW are going to be disappointed. Then he calls himself “well-hung” and says “I ain’t no punk bitch.” HAHAHAHA, Turner S&P has the computers ‘putin and the phone lines to Russo’s office bustling with activity! Savage says that the madness can’t be stopped, but he’s going to pass the torch to the next truly great wrestler. He doesn’t name that wrestler now, but he does abruptly leave. Randy Savage really went out sad. It bums me out that his career ended this way. The Filthy Animals are a few minutes late to save Torrie; the Revolution have moved on from their extremely secure storage closet. Madusa shadowboxes in the back before her upcoming tournament match. The Revolution has absconded to a location far away from the arena. No, wait, they’re just in a conference room elsewhere in the arena. Malenko is livid and storms off to find Benoit. We’re just going to do this whole Madusa thing, aren’t we? OK, sure, three months of Madusa being all over my screen is a small price to pay for getting Eric Bischoff fired. And then re-hired. And then fired again. Madusa’s opponent: THA MONSTA MENG. Madusa tries to clubber Meng. She even throws a handful of kicks. Those don’t work, so she looks like she might try to ply him with the promise of some nookie, then pokes him in the eye. She tries a dive. Nope. She tries a slap. Nope. She tries some more strikes. Nope. OK, this is the rare Russo Era TV match that has gone on too long. Meng actually sells for two seconds after she hits an enziguri; she tries a sleeper hold, and Meng tries to shrug her off so that the cameraperson can get an extended panty shot as Madusa’s tiny skirt is flung up and her panty-clad ass can be seen. Fuck off, WCW. Meng shakes her off and finally locks on a TDG for the win. Evan Karagias runs down to help Madusa up. See, Vince Russo found something for these two to do! He always has ideas for the midcarders! Madusa cuts a salacious look at the crowd and juts said panty-clad ass out at Karagias as he helps her out of the ring. Yuck. Malenko storms down and calls Chris Benoit out for a fight. He proposes a Last Man Standing match between the two for later tonight. Kevin Nash sits in the back and reluctantly tapes his wrists. Curt Hennig complains to Brad Armstrong backstage, mostly about the pressure of needing to avoid a pinfall loss; Armstrong complains that TPtB told him that he has no personality and that he needed “to call little brother on the phone” for tips. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh brother. Literally and figuratively, I guess. A trainer checks out Bret Hart’s ankle backstage; it's fractured. The Hitman resolves to come out here to get his big shot at the world title anyway. The Total Package (w/Liz) enters the gladiatorial arena talk show set. Actually, this is a match, not an interview segment: TTP vs. Rick Steiner. Leathers hits Steiner’s music a touch early while Luger’s music is still going. Then he hits it again, finally, and our new TV Champ comes to the ring. OK, I’m ready for the TV title to be dead until Lance Storm revives it. Yes, I am extremely excited for Lance Storm and his band of Canadian supremacists to hit my television, why do you ask? It takes not even ten seconds into the bout before Jeff Jarrett stomps down here with his guitar. He sits down and pops a headset on. He reiterates his demand for a public apology from TTP while Rick Steiner is bad at pro wrestling back in the ring. Jarrett: “This is WCW; why would I hit a woman?” Oh, you’re so funny, Jarrett. Tony S.: “You think I fell off the turnip truck? Look, we saw your shtick in the WWF, we know it’s not below you to whack a woman.” (!!!) Jarrett decides to get up and remonstrate with Liz, who wisely backs away from him. She falls down as she does. TTP comes up behind Jarrett; Steiner comes up behind TTP. Package grabs Jarrett’s shoulder, and Jarrett swings for the fences…and hits Steiner. Steiner gets to his feet and slowly pursues Jarrett to the back while TTP tries to help Liz. In a funny bit, Package attempts to support Liz as she struggles to her feet, but he hears Slick Johnson count to eight and drops her, then rolls in the ring so he can get the cheapie win. That was genuinely hilarious! Liz is put out by TTP’s treatment of her, but Package tries to calm her down by celebrating the victory: WE DID IT! WE DID IT, BABY! Oh man, that was pretty good. Konnan yaps at Mike Tenay in the backstage area and says that when it comes to money and titles, the Filthy Animals take any match between their members as business and not something personal; then, Kidman swears to end the careers of the whole Revolution if they hurt Torrie. Buff Bagwell arrives to the arena, cackling to himself about his plan to play politics with Russo et al. Billy Kidman stomps out looking all upset to face Konnan in a tournament match. They shake hands before the match, but it quickly becomes personal. And also business, I suppose. There is a neat counter in here where Kidman kills a sit-out facebuster attempt with a Sky High. Immediately after that, we get a ref bump and Harlem Heat running down to beat up both of these guys. Booker lands a Houston Side Kick on Kidman while Stevie Slapjacks Konnan. Eddy and Rey run into the aisle and meet Harlem Heat there, and they all attack one another while Kidman rolls over onto Konnan for three. I guess the Slapjack > the Houston Side Kick. Konnan and Kidman shove each other in anger after the match while Eddy and Rey, who were easily dispatched by the Heat, try to back them off. Eddy gets a mic and calms things down. Konnan says that they need to get Torrie back, but also, they need to get the tag belts back from Harlem Heat. After intimating that Harlem Heat are ladies who wear tampons because ladies who wear tampons are LOSERS, Konnan challenges the Heat to a tag title match later in the show; the Heat accept. Boy, we are getting perilously close to seeing a little EWR-style pop-up window that notes that the Filthy Animals were used too much on the show. Buff Bagwell walks toward the Gorilla position. And presumably after that, the ring. I will say this for Russo et al.; they are genuinely trying to get a bunch of guys over and kickstart a bunch of storylines. It’s all too much, and nothing has had time to breathe, so it all settles into my brain as a messy blur, but I appreciate the attempt. The Outsiders hang out backstage and speculate on who they’ll have to face later tonight. Possible opponents bandied about: The Road Warriors (Nash: “What, is it a drinking contest?”); the Fabulous Kangaroos; The Assassins; Butch and Luke (fellas, I think you can say “Bushwhackers” or even “Sheepherders”). Buff Bagwell jabbers on in the ring. He says that he’s going to “relieve himself” all over everything sacred in this business (fella, I think you can say “piss”). He gets on his Shawn Michaels and says he’s not doing any more jobs. Then, he insults “the two idiots in the back who write this crap.” So, this is real, but the rest of the stuff on this show isn’t, correct? I shouldn’t be worried about if the Revolution will dump Torrie Wilson in the Arizona desert because it’s just some crap two idiots wrote, right? Bret’s ankle is fine because you two idiots wrote his injury into the show, huh? Fucking Russo and Ferrara. So, yeah, Buff threatens Russo, which is when Ron and Don GODDAM Harris come to the ring. One of these fuckheads says that they “represent the two idiots who write this crap,” and the other one of these fuckheads clobbers Buff. They stomp Bagwell out. Malenko is walking! Benoit is also walking! Usually, a random 1999 Nitro feels like it’s about six hours long because it’s mostly dullsville with a few awful segments mixed in. This 1999 Nitro isn’t good, but it doesn’t feel six hours long because it’s dull. Rather, it feels six hours long because Russo et al. booked six hours’ worth of stuff onto this three hour show. Less commercials, it’s closer to two hours than three. Benoit and Malenko come down in blue jeans and shoes, which is the fashionably correct way to dress for a LMS match. They have a decent little brawl to start, but that’s Benoit’s forte, so Malenko struggles. Benoit crotches Malenko on the post, stomps him out in the corner, and lands a super back suplex. He bonks his own head on that last one, so we get a dual ten count from Charles Robinson. They’re both up at five, and Benoit hits two rolling Germans on Malenko before Malenko fights the third one and lands a mule kick to Benoit’s sack. Malenko takes control, suplexes Benoit to the floor, and follows him with a successful baseball slide. Malenko bashes Benoit around the ringside area, using the stairs to damage Benoit’s lower lumbar; he disrespectfully spits on Benoit. Malenko brings things back to the ring, where he gets countered into a back suplex and snot rocketed. The men get back to their feet, hit a double-clothesline, and Benoit manages to beat the standing ten count while Malenko just barely does not. The Filthy Animals rush down here and surround Benoit; Benoit just steps out of their way and let them stomp out Malenko. The rest of the Revolution comes out to the top of the ramp with Torrie in tow. Douglas says that if the Animals don’t back off Malenko, Asya will seriously hurt Torrie, the latter of whom is in her grasp. The Animals give Malenko safe passage because they care about that dolt Torrie for some reason. The Revolution backs outta there, and the Animals chase them. We come back to the Revolution bundling Torrie into a car and peeling out just ahead of the pursuing Animals. Rey and Eddy take off to chase after Torrie while Kidman and Konnan stick around for the tag title match later tonight. The bracket was right and Tony S.’s production sheet was wrong; Brian Knobbs (w/Jimmy Hart and Hugh Morrus) is the guy wrestling Sting in the title tournament, not Morrus. And I use the term “wrestle” loosely, as Sting batters Knobbs with the bat while Nick Patrick sends Morrus and Hart from the ring, then holds Morrus off from coming in to confront him by wielding the bat before getting a quick cover for three. The Stinger didn’t even take his longcoat off. The Outsiders debate over who should start their match first. Just do rock-paper-scissors in the traditional Kliq style, fellas. Tenay interviews Bret Hart. Hart: “If it wasn’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all.” Is that kayfabe or shoot? Both? Bret’s 1999 was the absolute worst. Bret promises to take it one match at a time even though he’s got a hairline fracture in his ankle that the two idiots in the back have insisted that he sell. Harlem Heat went from seven-time to ten-time WCW World Tag Team Champions in the span of two months. In my view, wrestling fans primarily blame Russo for the WCW title belts becoming pass-around props, so let me remind you that this was common to WCW well before Russo was hired. They’re facing Kidman and Konnan, and based on the amount of TV time the Filthy Animals are getting, I predict yet another title change. Konnan has talked quite enough tonight, thank you, but he insists on hitting his Catchphrase Roulette before the match anyway. Stevie starts out by stomping both Animals to the mat. Eventually, Konnan gets control, but Booker saves on a Konnan pinfall attempt, and Stevie takes back over and dumps Konnan to the floor. We get an obligabrawl before Booker dumps Konnan back into the ring. Booker stomps Konnan after he tags in; I guess the Animals are the babyfaces? Konnan’s the dude in peril in this match, at least. The Heat controls with doubleteams and clubberin’ until Booker hits his signature spot where he crotches himself on a Houston Side Kick attempt. Kidman gets the hot tag and lands offense on both Heat members, but Booker lands a tower Houston Side Kick on Kidman while Stevie holds him up after stopping punches in the corner. The finish is a fucking mess, and here’s why: Stevie kills a Kidman rebound bulldog with a back suplex and a bridge. Kidman gets his shoulder up at two, which would be a sensible, if weak finish if Stevie, for once in his life, didn’t land a perfect bridge and have his left shoulder way the fuck off the mat. Anyway, we cut away from this title win immediately so Goldberg can talk to Mike Tenay in the locker room. Speaking of Goldberg talking, he says that he is an angry man, and Sid just made him angrier. Goldberg says he has respect for the Hitman, which isn’t going to last too much longer either shoot or kayfabe, probably, and that he has no problem finishing Bret off and fulfilling his promise to get at the Outsiders besides. Kimberly and DDP are walking! Kimberly and DDP are still walking! This time, they’re coming down the ramp for the DDP/David Flair match. Page insists on talking, unfortunately. Both of the Pages, actually. Kimberly actually calls out the fact that she’s not anywhere near the Nitro Girls, so she’s a heel now. A heel in a dress that really fits her. *ahem*, sorry. She introduces Page, who is not going to get any of his catchphrases over tonight, per the usual. Wait no, he gets a bit of TWO-TIME, TWO-TIME call-and-response from the crowd. Page checks the front of not-so-Dopey Dave's robe for weapons and gives him a big smooch on the cheek when he doesn’t find one, then turns around as David takes the crowbar from where it’s tucked into the back of his jeans and clobbers the shit out of Dallas. Kimberly covers her then-hubby, and Dopey Dave thinks about WHACKIN’ HER, GABAGOOL as DDP might say, but he leaves. So does DDP win, or like, what? Anyway, there's a stretcher job after the "match." You know what thought popped into my head as they wheeled DDP out: I thought the Jersey Triad was a stable from the year 2000. I was a whole year off. Again, please feel free to post your corrections because it's been two-and-a-half decades, and I only watched a bit over half of this run as it originally happened in the first place. Hall and Nash are in the ring when we come back, and oh, I gotcha, they got a couple of strippers down here, and it looks like part of this segment was cut out of the Network version entirely. Hold on, let’s go to the YouTubes. Ah, the match on this video is titled Kevin Nash and Scott Hall (The Outsiders) vs. Female Porn Stars. HAHAHAHAHA, OK, I think I can guess why some of this segment was excised. There are three porn stars. The East Asian one has quite the pair of silicone lung hammers. Sorry to be crude, but “lung hammers” as a euphemism kills me and gets my wife to comically roll her eyes if I use it. I promise I'll use it sparingly in my writing as I do in real life. Nash almost imperceptibly touches his chest and hits a look that indicates that feels subconscious about his pecs after looking at the East Asian woman, heh. Hall locks up with one of the blonde ones and gets motorboated. I’m serious, I sincerely doubt that Vince Russo has ever even seen a vagina, other than a) on the internet or b) in his dreams. Anyway, they do a Russ Meyer-style sex farce of a wrestling match in which Hall takes a Flair Flop off after getting beaten in the head by the first blonde porn star’s boobs while Tony S. laughs uproariously and Heenan predicts BIG NUMBERS for the show. I’m a heterosexual male with, as we’ve discussed before, still-healthy T-levels, so I am not complaining about pretty ladies with nice figures in general, but come on, this makes me embarrassed to be a wrestling fan. Phoenix, on the other hand, is awake for a sustained period the first time all night. I hate to judge them, but I sort of am judging them. The East Asian lady gets in the ring and demands that the Outsiders both lay down and do the job in exchange for her tearing off her shirt, which she teases after the bell rings. I sure hope my wife doesn’t knock on my office door and then walk in because she doesn’t hear me doing work like she often does. Anyway, per the usual when guys are distracted by attractive ladies, the Outsiders aren’t paying attention when Goldberg runs down and spears first Hall, then Nash as they turn around. I think we’re finally at the main event. Please, I can’t take any more of this rapid-fire nonsense. Bret Hart limps out, and Goldberg busts out of his locker room and is escorted to the ring. This is a U.S. Championship match on top of being a world title tournament match because everything is just too damn busy in this company. Goldberg backs Bret into the corner on a collar-and-elbow and cleanly breaks. He next backs Bret into the ropes and controls from there, with a knee, a lariat, and a press into a powerslam. Goldberg’s looking a lot like 1996 Diesel at the Survivor Series, actually, as he is slow to follow up and only fires off punches when Bret does so first. Goldberg tries his legbar and actually might have won it with better positioning, but Bret is right near the ropes and quickly grabs them. Is this Bret playing possum? I’m already conditioned to expect a swerve. Bret tries to out-strike Goldberg; it fails. Goldberg snaps Bret’s injured ankle and slowly pursues the Hitman. I become more convinced that Goldberg is going to lose this somehow the longer it goes on. He does have a lot of enemies: Sting, the Outsiders, Sid Vicious. Let’s just get to the swerve, dammit. OK, here it is; after Bret valiantly fights through another legbar and hangs on even in spite of Goldberg trying to win on another match stoppage rather than destroy Bret’s ankle, there’s a ref bump after Goldberg tosses the Hitman out of a sleeper and into Mickey Jay. Goldberg knocks Bret from the ring with a lariat. This is when the Outsiders and Sid Vicious all run to the ring. Goldberg initially fends off Hall and Nash, but Sid slips in a big boot, and they land impact moves on Goldberg (chokeslam, side slam, powerbomb) before leaving. Bret struggles back into the ring, covers Goldberg, and…barely gets three when Goldberg kicks out at 3.1. That is not the worst way to have Goldberg eat a second loss. Hell, they should have had him eat his first loss that way. Well, while I did think the way that Goldberg lost was convincing and well-booked, that show was overall quite low in quality. Hey, at least I paid attention to all of it! I mean, I feel a little wired now, so maybe I’ll go take a walk, but I paid attention to all of it! -2.5 out of 5 Stinger Splashes.

The Philippines was colonized by the Spaniards at one point, so that's close enough! (I think there's a 97.2% chance that Lavekkk doesn't know this fact and thus couldn't conjure it up to counter your example and argument.)

I'll say what I always say when I don't connect with a pick: There's no reason to apologize. When I pop into a Secret Santo, it's to see stuff that I normally wouldn't go out of my way to watch. Watching a match, whether I vibe with it or not, helps me think more about my preferences and what I like and don't like about wrestling, as well as what I want to try and learn more about. And I will eventually watch more lucha tags from '80s EMLL/CMLL, so this pick was a success! (Not to mention that I asked everyone to give me matches of types or from promotions that I don't typically like, so the odds that I wouldn't love most of the matches I received were pretty high.) I watched this because I've been watching WCW '99 lately, and I wanted to see THREE-FOURTHS, no, wait, I don't really count Raven as part of the group so let me recalculate, TWO-THIRDS OF THE DEAD POOL EXPLODE. Here's the thing about this match: For a comedy match, there's not nearly enough comedy, and for a hardcore match, there's not nearly enough hardcore. I would suggest that this should have been heavy on comedy leading into a dissonant final series of spots built around the hardcore part of the proceedings. I actually don't have an issue with the very last box being the only one with anything acutely dangerous in it - and hiding the thumbtacks in some wacky popcorn is somewhat clever - but I do have a lot of problems with all the other circus props and toys in the other boxes being used to pretty much zero comedic effect. The one clown dude in the Brothers of Funstruction couldn't even use the slingshot properly so we could get the comical visual effect of two guys pelting the heels with ping pong balls at rapid speed. If this match had more considerably funny, Looney Tunes-ish spots built around the props in all the other boxes, it would have actually worked much better, and I think the last spot being a thumbtack spot would have also hit harder just because after a bunch of comedic nonsense, Vampiro getting driven into a bunch of tacks would have been a more striking contrast.

I actually went back and checked this because I knew I must have been forgetting an earlier Savage reign in WCW. I was. He won the belt back in 1996 when it was being passed around between himself, Ric Flair, and the Giant. So that final one-day title reign after BatB '99 was it for him. He's done...and I mean, done-done, as I think he only makes a couple more WCW appearances through the end of Nitro. I run the TNA channel on Pluto occasionally while working out, but I'm not sure I've seen an episode from this period. I'll have to look out for one (because I refuse to look one up on YouTube on purpose). I assume he'd be wearing a white shirt and a dark tie, standing next to Owen (dressed in the same attire), with the Goodfather flanking him and Stevie Richards out of a gimmick. Speaking of... It was hilarious with Schiavone's sad voice. Russo and Ferrara show up and all of a sudden, Ric Flair is busting up into Kimberly's hotel room, and instead of being enraged, Kimberly and Page make fun of him for his dick not working and then proceed to cut promos full of masturbation wordplay. It's going to be a puerile three months, huh? It's one of those things where you have to gauge how much your tastes line up with mine. If they generally do, I would guess you'd like it. If you're like Twiztor and not a Goldberg fan, you'll probably give it a star-and-a-half and forget about it the next day. I think it has to be watched with full viewing of the context of the last three or four weeks of the feud, though. If I just watched it without any of the build, I think I would have thought it was cool, but it wouldn't have hit the same. That build felt like it was going nowhere, and then once Goldberg gets sick of destroying Sid's stuff and decides to destroy Sid with a spear instead, the escalation was pitched perfectly and really juiced this feud.

I think the only one in the series outside of the first two Paper Mario games that I liked was Super Paper Mario. Each of the other games in the series has neat elements, but none of them did it for me. I feel like people usually enjoy SPM or tOK, but Sticker Star and Color Splash are generally disliked.

Bischoff was good at two things: 1) The initial cost-cutting that allowed WCW to make a profit, and 2) Working with carriers to get WCW on the air in as many places and forms as possible; he even came close to replacing the WWF as NBC's primary wrestling partner, and likely would have if not for Turner suits above him. So yeah, I'm not surprised that he didn't know how to negotiate. Fine, I revise my statement to say that I only recognize TWO wrestlers who go by the moniker "MVP."

Halloween Havoc ’99 notes: It’s our last PPV not run totally by Russo and Ferrara for, um, two or three months, right? Is Souled Out 2000 a Russo-Ferrara joint? He’s gone right before or right after that because the Radicalz leave the company immediately after that show. If Bill Busch was the guy who just let Eddy Guerrero and Chris Benoit leave the company (and Saturn and Malenko to a lesser degree as they were WCW stalwarts that the crowds appreciated), he must have been trying to diminish WCW so much that Turner could easily drown it in a bathtub. Breaking news, as we hear from Tony S. to start the show – Rey Misterio Jr. has yet another leg injury [Editor's note: Almost certainly kayfabe], and GET THIS, The Powers that Be (as Tony S. calls them) don’t just let the Filthy Animals Freebird Rule the belts, which would make sense, has a lengthy precedent in pro wrestling, and would keep some continuity when it comes to the titles. No, they strip them of the belts and put them up in a triple tag threat match later tonight. At least it’s a no-tag, pinfalls count anywhere match. For some reason, Konnan and Kidman are tagging up in this match even though they could just Free—no, never mind. Fuck it. Anyway, I just need to let in the chaos. I need to embrace the nonsense. Disco Inferno opens the show defending his WCW Cruiserweight Championship against Lash LeRoux. Disco jumps Lash right after the bell and tries to quickly stomp the young Cajun out. LeRoux came down with beads around his neck, and I’m shocked that he didn’t offer to some young lady at ringside since a) Russo is in charge and b) we’re on PPV. Some doofus on the hard cam side is holding a WHAT – NO PUPPIES? sign, so at least one guy is thirsty as fuck and probably hoping for it. LeRoux makes a comeback and hits his splits/punch combo, the Bourbon Street Blues as he calls it, for two. That’s a good signature move, especially for this era. Disco tries to come back before LeRoux steps aside on a rope run and tosses Disco over the top rope; he follows Disco outside shortly after. Obligabrawl Count: #1. I want to pause for a second and define what I consider to be an obligabrawl. First, it’s got to come in a match that is not presented as a hardcore or Falls Count Anywhere match or anything like that, where you’d expect people to have at least some semi-extended outside brawling. Second, it’s got to be at least two or three moves full, especially if the ol' whip into the rail or stairs move is involved. Whipping a guy into one of those ringside objects here in WCW is a sure sign that the wrestlers went outside just because that’s the thing to do as part of the late ‘90s WCW house style. Third, there can be good and bad obligabralws; Sting and DDP doing fun sequences up and down the ramp is much better than Kendall Windham tossing Silver King to the floor, hitting him a couple times, and bashing him into the stairs, y’know? I’d watch Raven participate in obligabrawls all day, but most of these WCW wrestlers are not Raven. Back in the ring, Disco tries a double axe from the top, but leaps into a counter suplex for two. Lash goes up next and badly botches a diving Frankensteiner from the top rope. Lash is like a Cajun Chris Jericho, doing stuff that he barely has the athleticism for (or straight up doesn’t have the athleticism for). Lash gets two off that move, then goes to a chinlock that doesn’t work. Disco works to his feet and ends up hitting a lariat for two. Disco tries to toss Lash to the floor, but Lash manages to skin the cat, like he’s a certain Shawn Michaels-loving guy with questionable athleticism, and then charges at Disco. Disco tries a Chartbuster, but Lash shoves Disco out of it and hits a backbreaker. Lash looks for a Whiplash, but Disco fights out of it, and when Lash tries to run with him in the corner, Disco dumps him on his face, then hits a swinging neckbreaker for two. Next, Disco whips Lash into the corner chest first and lands a side Russian as Lash rebounds, then lands a dancing second-rope elbow for two more. Disco shoots Lash in, and though Lash reverses it, Disco lands an elbow to the gut and drills a piledriver for yet another two count. Disco, frustrated, yells WHY DON’T YOU STAY DOWN and charges Lash, who lands a sit-out powerbomb for two. They have an awkward sequence running the ropes, but Disco manages to land an inverted atomic drop and a Chartbuster for three. That wasn’t a good match, but it wasn’t a complete horror show. Lash isn’t showing much as a talent at this point, though he’s very young and very inexperienced, I think only one or two years into wrestling at all. After the match, Lash attacks Disco and hits a Whiplash onto Disco’s Cruiserweight belt to a pop. Tony S. has not been informed as to what Lash’s finisher is, as he thought it was the powerbomb, but he didn’t recognize the Whiplash when LeRoux dropped it just then. I guess that’s similar to what he said earlier about Lash’s background info, though: “Only Tenay cares about these sort of things.” I like Tony S. a lot, but he really undercuts these young guys by openly not doing the research on them. On a pre-taped segment, Saturn meets Dean Malenko and Chris Benoit when they arrive at the show. Saturn’s like, What the hell, fellas, you’ve been out of contact for two weeks, we need to get together and plan some revolutionary shit, and Malenko responds that Saturn can stick the Revolution up his ass; Benoit tells him to relay that same message from them to Shane Douglas. Mike Tenay interviews Harlem Heat backstage; they cut a boilerplate We’re gonna win the titles promo. The First Family (w/Jimmy Hart) comes out wearing monster masks; Hart also rolls out a bin fulla plunder. They face Harlem Heat and The Filthy Animals (Konnan and Billy Kidman, in this configuration). Rey Misterio Jr.’s style is crazy unsustainable. He still wrestles in 2024, right? And he’s fifty or thereabouts? How do his knees even work? Did he get, like, cyborg implants? Kidman and Konnan come out wearing the tag belts; Kidman has a camcorder with him, which I’m sure will lead to some GTV knockoff segments, except done “right” now that Vince McMahon of all people isn’t in the room to tone things down. Kidman stashes his camcorder on the commentary desk, and they make such a point of highlighting it that it’s got to be a Chekhov’s Gun, right? [Editor's note: Not really, unless taken in conjunction with a certain gold watch that makes its appearance later in the show.] Anyway, I always demand that these matches are tornado tags, and we finally get one…and I don’t care about it. Look, Kidman’s a pretty good worker and Booker is very good in my opinion, but the rest of these dudes stink. Sorry, Stevie. I love you and all. There are just a bunch of weapons shots and mediocre brawling with a few Jimmy Hart misdirection spots in there. I do like that they have two refs out here, one outside the ring and one inside the ring. Hart lures Booker all the way down the aisle so that Knobbs can toss a half-full trash can at him; Stevie joins Booker and tosses Knobbs around the graveyard set design. That’s pretty fun! One thing I typically dig about WCW PPVs is when they have these elaborate set designs that wrestlers use in their hardcore brawls. Booker and Stevie mistime a Houston Side Kick team-up and Booker kicks Stevie; this goes on backstage while Hart helps Morrus set a table up. Morrus lands a No Laughing Matter on Konnan through the table in the ring. Backstage, Stevie Ray front slams a fucking style mannequin onto Knobbs and then covers for three as Slick Johnson counts; we miss what happens after Morrus hits the No Laughing Matter, but we hear a three count in the ring from the other ref, and when we come back, Morrus is down and Kidman is wielding a trash can lid. What an overbooked mess this is. Peak WCW, man. They never get finishes right. The crowd is iffy about the decision that Harlem Heat are the winners, which Harlem Heat certainly are as they got the three count about thirty seconds before the Filthy Animals did…though they did it outside of the crowd’s vision, since they're apparently not running the backstage action on the big screens out here. The crowd buzz is basically like What the fuck, why did Harlem Heat win when we saw Kidman score a pinfall? What a stupid finish if they’re not running it on a screen (or even if they are, as the crowd is naturally going to be drawn to the action in front of them). Also, Konnan maybe shoot separated his shoulder while taking the No Laughing Matter through the table. He’s holding it like he’s hurt and a trainer is checking him out. Oh man, what a stupid-ass match. Rey and Torrie come out here and mean mug Booker. Hahaha, this is the Dirt Worst because of the booking, the dangerous spots that might have shoot hurt a second Filthy Animal member, just all of it except for the Harlem Heat attack in the Havoc set's graveyard. Pre-tape, maybe?: The Flairs (Ric and Dave) storm into the building; Ric’s holding a crowbar. Now that crowbar is DEFINITELY a Chekhov's Gun. Diamond Dallas Page’s theme hits; he and Kimberly walk to the ring. Kimberly has a mic and accuses Ric of sexually assaulting her by smacking her ass once for each time that he’s been champ back in her hotel room, which the crowd *sigh* WOOOOOOs for. Kimberly says that Ric doesn’t have the stamina for sex that DDP does, basically. I don’t want to hear this, please stop. Russo and his ideas about sex are really the worst thing regarding his run, I already know. And I guess probably his ideas about women, but those are pretty much tied to his ideas about sex. Page insults Ric for only “spankin’ it” when he was in the room with Kimberly, then unveils a strap around his waist and says, and I QUOTE: “Let’s whack it, let’s jack it all night long.” I think what he’s saying is that his match tonight with Ric is now a Strap Match. He also could be saying that he wants to enjoy a mutual masturbation session with Ric to get his release. Either is possible considering who’s in charge of creative. DIRT WORST. Has Vince Russo ever had sex before? Serious question. He runs his wrestling shows like a horny twelve-year-old boy, though that’s an insult to myself, as I wasn’t this puerile when I was twelve. Goldberg storms into the arena and demands to know the location of Sid Vicious. Eddy Guerrero faces Saturn tonight, but everyone in their respective groups is banned from ringside. I do think it’s funny that when Tenay asks the Animals about Konnan’s health in a pre-match interview, Eddy checks the Rolex he stole off Ric Flair to figure whether Rey and Konnan have made it to the hospital yet. Oh, yeah, Flair with the crowbar, huh? I assume he’s coming out here to get that shit back during this match. Saturn/Eddy is next. You know, what’s especially wild about these Russo shows is how exhausting they are. It feels like a ton of shit has happened already. If you made Russo book an hour-long show, he’d get two hours’ worth of stuff in there somehow. I have to say that these shows, while filled with nonsensical bullshit, are at least making me laugh. Is a lot of the laughter disbelief at how dumb and bad some of this shit is? Yes, but it’s better than the sheer boredom I’ve mostly felt for WCW in the past year. We get to Obligabrawl Count: #2 in a pretty good version of one, actually; Saturn presses Eddy face first onto the ring stairs and Eddy sells a wrist injury from trying to shield his face so well that I think he’s hurt and I think Mickey Jay’s YOU ALRIGHT? is half-serious. Saturn then gets Eddy back in the ring and targets the wrist with top wristlocks and arm bars and a cross-arm breaker. This match is like a breath of fresh air in the midst of a bunch of nonsense. Eddy tries to make a comeback with his speed, so Saturn decides to try and take out a wheel along with destroying Eddy’s wrist. He attacks the knee and ankle, and Eddy has to rake Saturn’s eyes to get out of a leg bar. I do get a kick out of Tony S. noticing that Heenan has surreptitiously slipped into his pocket the very Rolex that Eddy stole from Ric and left on the commentary table before this match. The crowd unfortunately is bored by this hold-heavy match, but it's a pretty good match! Saturn powers out of an armbar by slamming Eddy, then hits an Asai moonsault for two, which seems to wake the crowd up. He tries another moonsault, but eats knees. Eddy lands a brainbuster, then slowly makes his way up for a Frog Splash; he took too much time and kisses only the mat when he dives. They both get to their feet and Saturn tries another springboard move; Eddy’s wise to all Saturn’s springboards by this point and dropkicks him out of the air. Eddy shoots Saturn into the corner and charges, but Saturn boosts him up and over, and Eddy bonks his head on the buckles. Saturn puts him up top, and even though Eddy knocks Saturn away, Saturn recovers and superkicks Eddy’s leg to crotch him. Saturn follows up with a super overhead suplex for 2.5 or so. Saturn looks for another bomb from the top and tries a super crucifix slam, but Eddy flips out of it and lands a superplex. I really like this match! But all good things must come to an end: Here comes Ric with the crowbar to get his Rolex back. Flair comes down and cracks Eddy one with the crowbar right in front of the ref. Kidman runs down and gets tagged with the crowbar. Tony S. makes such a huge point about Rey and Konnan being at the hospital that I assume both of their injuries are worked, now. I mean, he was over-the-top about it. Who the fuck knows? Torrie rushes down to the ring and shields Kidman, so Ric pulls her up, threatens to hit her with the crowbar, then decides to try and kiss her instead, which he does. She apparently likes it. Russo really believes in the adage “She’s not yours, it’s just your turn,” doesn’t he? I mean, like really believes in it. Ric gets his Rolex back and dances away. Meanwhile, I think that we need to get Russo some talk therapy, maybe have a professional hypnotize him and get him to work a few things out for himself. Did his mom not love him? What were his experiences with the women in his life when he was a child? Backstage, Goldberg punches Sid into a bloody pulp before security backs him off; Sid gets up, busted open like an overripe tomato, yelling IS THAT ALL YA GOT?! IS THAT IT?!?! Man, both these dudes came off like beasts. This feud has made me want to see them tag up and kill guys as a team, actually. Buff Bagwell walks to the ring and SHOOTS. I don’t give a fuck, and neither does this crowd, which is dead silent until he mentions something that a typical wrestling fan would actually care about: Jeff Jarrett bashing him in the head with a guitar. He calls out Jarrett, who runs down with a guitar, but doesn’t get to use it as Buff cuts him off at the pass. They brawl, but you know, this is an impromptu brawl, so I’ll allow it. They batter each other at ringside before Jarrett crawls back into the ring; Buff follows, dances, and lands a few punches in the corner. Jarrett gets a desperation Hot Shot, and The Total Package runs down. Oh, so when Liz was knocked out backstage on Nitro, there were guitar pieces around her head, which I didn’t catch the first time. Package grabs the guitar and makes to waffle Jarrett, but Jarrett ducks and Package crowns Buff. Jarrett escapes to continue his woman-beating ways while Package stalks him and Buff lays there, probably legit hurt because Package hit him with the wrong part of the guitar and caught him with the handle rather than the gimmicked, uh, base? I don’t know about guitars or what you'd call that part. Sid chases a trainer off who is trying to patch him up, yelling LET IT BLEED because Sid rules the damn world. A hurt Eddy calls Rey in an arena stairwell, telling him to get back to the show so the Filthy Animals can get revenge on Ric Flair. This goof Brad Armstrong walks out here wearing a sweater with the American flag on it and the words UNITED STATES OF AMERICA on it, like he stopped at an airport souvenir shop on his way into the show and grabbed one before he collected his baggage. What a doofus! Berlyn (w/THE WALL, BROTHER) is his opponent. At least this is short. Berlyn mostly dominates, forgets that he’s supposed to lazy pin BA for a second before turning over and getting leveraged backward for two, then goes back to mostly dominating. This is a Thunder Special, and not a particularly good one, either. Berlyn was a pretty good worker before he disappeared before the gimmick change, but he’s really regressed. For some stupid reason, Armstrong wins this thing when he holds the ropes to block a Berlyn reverse neckbreaker attempt; Berlyn slams his head on the mat, and Armstrong covers for three. THE WALL, BROTHER, jumps in the ring and punches BA before Berlyn cranks Armstrong’s neck. DUD. Ric Flair talks to Mike Tenay about how he punked out the Filthy Animals and says that if they don’t like it, they should come find him. He also would like to get a shot at banging both Torrie and Kimberly, if possible, and the hell with Kidman and DDP for how they feel about it. That’s the long and short of it. Chris Benoit defends the WCW Television Championship against that lump of dog shit Rick Steiner. Steiner is so bad that at this point, even Benoit is hard-pressed to get something decent out of him. Steiner stalls to start, but it’s misdirection so that Benoit will chase him and he can get the jump on the champ. Steiner does his typical molasses-paced brawling and tearing at Benoit with the occasional lariat or suplex tossed in. This stupid crowd HOOs with Steiner when he hits one of the former. As an aside, these Las Vegas crowds haven’t exactly been my favorite in general, outside of a few of them barking along with Steiner tonight. Bischoff wanted to purchase WCW and run shows here, and they would have felt like terrible shows. I get why he would do that; he ran stuff at an amusement park to keep costs down while also drawing full crowds, but alas, those crowds were terrible. Anyway, Benoit controls for a bit after a missed Steiner elbowdrop, but Steiner takes back over and runs us to Obligabrawl Count: #3, and it’s as boring as you’d think it was. Steiner does some more slow, dull offense and cuts Benoit comebacks off with stuff like ball shots. It’s comeback, ball shot, dull offense, comeback, dodged dropkick, dull offense, flash pin, two count, dull offense. There’s like a suplex or two in the dull offense that’s good, but man, this match is WAY too long and Steiner takes WAY, WAY too much of it. Fuck, man, this match was Lunestra in wrestling form. There’s a fucking ref bump, because of course there is, and Malenko runs in and SWERVES Benoit by clobbering him with a chair, then hugging Saturn in the aisle. HOORAY, Rick Steiner is the TV Champ again! I love it! He’s only one of the worst TV Champions ever; I’d rank him right in front of Renegade and right behind the dumpster that Scott Hall deposits the title into at some point in the next few months! Terrible match, pointless swerve, DIRT WORST. Bret Hart talks to Mike Tenay and sells the ankle injury that TTP gave him on the previous Nitro. The Hitman faces The Total Package (w/Liz) next. I wonder if my wife would possibly wear this dress that Liz is wearing. Maybe I could ask. I need to figure out a way to get this dress in front of her so I can see what she thinks because I sure as hell am not making her watch a single second of WCW in 1999. I love her far too much for that. Bret comes out and gets the first solid pop in a while on this show. Bret goes right at TTP, and I guess this technically counts: Obligabrawl Count: #4. It does fit with Hart being enraged at Package, though; it’s about as close to being just a regular ringside brawl that fits into the match as it can be. Back in the ring, the Hitman continues to dominate. He dumps TTP back outside for more brawling; Liz prowls around in the background, looking for a spot to jump in. She does, shoving Bret, but Bret stops her from slapping him and denies Package when TTP tries to jump him. Back in the ring, Package still hasn’t gotten any offense in. He finally scores a fist to the gut and a poke to the eyes, but he doesn’t do much in the way of sustained offense, and Bret soon takes over again and scores a side Russian for two. This marks the start of Bret setting Package up with the 5MoD. He lands a second-rope elbow for two, then figures that he’s ready to try a Sharpshooter, but Package goes to the eyes again. They end up hip tossing one another to the floor; Hart’s moving gamely already, but really starts moving gamely after they land. He’s doing a killer job of selling the ankle making him slower and a bit awkward, and he has been all match. That’s made the match less crisp – he specifically sort of limped into that hip toss – but it’s a hell of a sell job on his part. With the Hitman hobbled, Package finally is able to get some room to attack the ankle by wrapping it around the middle rope. This is a weird match in that I wouldn’t say that it’s good, but Bret’s performance is particularly good and ultimately, this is a well-worked and logical bout. TTP busts out a single crab applied to Bret's injured leg and induces an immediate tap-out from the Hitman. I like that finish, too; Bret got clocked in the ankle with a bat six days ago and was able to initially dominate this match through pure adrenaline, but when that ran out, Luger got an easy win by targeting Bret's injury. I think this is the sort of charming uniquity where even if the match wasn’t the prettiest, the underlying logic and selling was so good that I can’t help but suggest it as something worthwhile. In a DOPE little interview, Tenay talks to Goldberg at the spot where the latter mauled Sid and asks Goldberg if maybe he went a bit too far: Goldberg responds by saying that he gets paid to kick dudes’ asses, and then points at the blood and basically says that he ain’t worried about firing Sid up with that attack because there’s more of that blood he left on the floor in Sid’s body, and he’d love to extract it. Who is helping Goldberg and Sid shape these last couple of weeks’ worth of segments? They are both killing it. I’m legitimately hyped for this match. And you know, Goldberg just had Sid looking like a cartoonish doofus with those (quite funny) rental car shenanigans, but they transitioned right into intensely attempting to murder one another without missing a beat. I’m actually thinking about putting this feud on my Best Feuds list if they can find a way to have a miracle match later tonight. Madusa comes out here. I guess the evening gown was a bit much for her, but this very tiny bikini is just fine. No, wait, there's a reasonable explanation for the bikini. She’s carrying WCW Nitro cologne, which Heenan shills it by, uh, talking about how bad it smells – “like a rest-stop bathroom,” “like liquid kitty litter,” and “like the men’s room at the Newark Airport.” Is Heenan a moron? What is wrong with him? Why would anyone buy this cologne after that description? More likely, who produced Heenan to react in this way, is likely the question that I should have posed first. Oh, I guess Russo made her come out here in this bikini and promote this cologne. Then she yells that it’s BULLSHIT that she has to do this and dumps the cologne on Heenan while Tony S. confirms that the cologne, in fact, is a foul scent. What the shit just happened? My Dirt Worst list is expanding by the segment! Strangely enough, Hulk Hogan faces Sting for the WCW World Championship with an hour still left on the show. No, wait, Hogan doesn’t show up. Funny enough, Heenan says that Hogan’s probably back there telling Russo and Ferrara that he won’t come out here unless the match is the main event. Is this a work or a shoot? Sting’s music plays next, and Sting walks to the ring holding the big gold. Hogan’s music plays again, but there’s still no Hulkster. No, wait, finally, he comes out in jeans, a vest, and an ostentatious Jesus piece. See, Penzer announced him as being from Hollywood, California, but Hogan came out dressed like he’s from Hollywood, Florida, which is much closer to the truth. Hogan lays down in the middle of the ring and Sting pins him, and I don’t remember ANYTHING about this. How did Russo get Hogan to agree to this?! What in holy hell is happening? Ah well, Russo saved us from having to watch Hogan’s ‘80s act, so I’m fine with it. Sting’s music continues to play over this Goldberg/Sid feud package. LEATHERS! We come back to the crowd booing vociferously, which is understandable if you were expecting, you know, a Hogan/Sting match or especially if you’re a Hogan fan who was excited to see him wrestle. I’m baffled. What else is on this show? Sid/Goldberg is next, but what the heck are they going to fill the last half-hour with after that? I guess there’s also Ric/DDP, which I somehow forgot about. We’re getting a stupid title change in a match that wasn’t advertised, aren’t we? Anyway, Sid stomps out here with dried blood and a still-open cut over his left eye, looking like a damn king. I’m at the point right now where I would actually buy Sid beating Goldberg. Goldberg appears at the top of the ramp and hypes up the crowd by being a charismatic killer. And, oh, look, the Outsiders run down and jump Goldberg before he can get in the ring. Aw, man. I just wanted a straight Sid/Goldberg match; please don’t ruin this for me. Luckily, the Outsiders back up the aisle after a short beating, and Sid rushes toward Goldberg and clubs him. It’s time for Obligabrawl Count: #5, but again, at least this makes sense. Sid ends up on the wrong side of a stair bashing soon enough; his head wound is opened up again immediately. This fucking rules. Maybe I’m alone in this because I never hear anyone talk about this match or this feud, but I am very into it. Sid looks tough just for trying to fight back. He actually jumps Goldberg as Goldberg gets back into the ring after dumping Vicious back into it, and even though I usually hate this transition, Sid hits a big boot and locks on a Camel Clutch, blood splattered everywhere, and it still fucking RULES, so I’ll allow it. Goldberg works to his feet and drops Sid to the mat from the electric chair position, then covers for 2.8. Goldberg cranks Sid’s neck and punches his wound as Sid tries desperately to fight back. It’s almost like Sid’s the babyface, which I think shouldn’t work, but it does because Goldberg’s such a killer even though he’s a babyface that you can turn a heel babyface by just having him hang with the guy. Goldberg shoots Sid into the corner and hits him with a clothesline when Sid stumbles out of it. Goldberg drops an elbow and covers for two as Sid tries to reach the ropes with a boot and then just has to kick out. I think he was going to put his foot on the ropes and just misjudged it, but he moved sort of frantically trying to find the rope, and that just added to the match because it seems like what you’d do if you lost a ton of blood and were trying to kick out. Sid tries to land a boot or two, but Goldberg catches his leg and topples him, then continues to beat the shit out of the guy. Goldberg rips at Sid’s wound, then yells THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT at the crowd and then again at Sid; Sid gets fired up and tries to punch his way out of the corner, but Goldberg is basically like NAH, FUCK YOU, SON, but he says that not with words. Instead, he says it by clubbing the absolute shit out of Vicious. Sid starts to pass out from the blood loss, and as he slumps to his knees, Mickey Jay calls the match in favor of Goldberg due to Sid being too injured to go on. I thought this was SUPREMELY GREAT. Goldberg’s the U.S. Champion for a second time. Sid struggles back to his feet as Rick Steiner runs down to back him up. Sid fires up again, but even Rick Steiner, a heartless prick if there ever was one, is like, Hey bud, I think we need to get you to a hospital. Rick manages to escort a reluctant, wobbly Sid from the ring as the ref awards Goldberg the U.S. Championship, but Goldberg sports a very displeased look because he didn’t really get Sid’s very best, and he knows that people might say that he only won because of his pre-match attack. You can just tell from the look on his face that it’s what he’s thinking; that, and maybe a bit of newfound respect for Sid. Sid tells Steiner that he’ll walk out under his own power and doesn’t need to lean on him, but then he sinks to his knees. Rick helps him up, but after he makes his way back to his feet, he tries to go back to the ring like the goddam warrior that he is before Steiner and the ref finally get him to turn around and go get treatment backstage. I cannot believe that they actually did have a miracle match just when they needed it. I LOVED THIS SO MUCH. Sid had better turn babyface on Nitro tomorrow after that performance. What a fucking match! It’s one of my favorites during this whole watch through, and it put the whole Sid/Goldberg feud over the top for me. I don’t care if I’m on an island on this one; this feud started out as annoying with Sid killing cruiserweights and ended up being pretty fucking great! They should have just ended the show on that note. How am I supposed to get excited for Ric Flair/DDP? Huh, Sting’s music plays again for some reason. What sorta SWERVE are we gonna get now? As soon as this belt gets hot potatoed around by the end of the night, I’m going to declare the U.S. Championship the most important actual title in the company, and the “How close can you come to beating Goldberg?” title the most important theoretical title in the company. Sting says he came to Las Vegas to wrestle, not to relax, and that he’ll challenge anyone in the back to a title match. He says that he’ll be back after Ric/DDP to see if anyone wants some of him. I am sorry if this next segment of the review is less than enthusiastic, but yeah, I’m still buzzing from that last match. DDP (w/Kimberly) faces Ric Flair in a Strap Match next. Charles Robinson is the ref, and I wonder if that matters at all here to the finish. I think that this match type really needs a hot feud attached to it to work and also requires a level of intensity in the work that goes far above and beyond most matches. In other words, if they ran Goldberg/Sid tomorrow night on Nitro as a Strap Match, I’d be way into it. But this is just a mediocre wandering brawl that I really don’t care about. They brawl through the crowd, and it’s still lukewarm stuff. They punch, they chop, they choke with the strap, and they wander. Finally, they get back to ringside, where Flair as the babyface forcibly kisses Kimberly. DDP jumps Flair from behind and wow, this match absolutely stinks. I’m looking at the progress bar, and if the final ad break is indeed placed after this match, then this match goes on for way too long. Flair juices, but it has zero effect after what we just saw from Sid. OK, I can’t pretend to care about any of this, so let me just skip ahead to the ending, stopping to describe any notable spots along the way. OK, notes: This Strap Match can be won by pinfall. Flair almost gets one after locking DDP in the Figure Four, but Page gets to the ropes. Flair gets choked with the strap and hit with a Diamond Cutter, but Flair puts his foot on the ropes as Robinson reluctantly counts the three and then, I guess this match is over? It looked like Flair kicked out or made the ropes; I don’t even know. They ring the bell as Page hits Robinson with a Diamond Cutter and then chokes Flair with the strap. David runs down with the crowbar, but Kimberly steps in front of him, makes to seduce him, and then knees him in the balls when he gets close enough. She slides the crowbar to Page, who hits Ric first in the ribs and then in the dick with it as Tony S. sadly says, “Ric Flair will never be the same again,” and as I thank Page for partially disabling this pervert by bashing him in the junk. It was no less than he deserved. DDP beats up David and hits him with a couple of Diamond Cutters in the bargain. Page and Kimberly walk away to an initial pop from at least part of the crowd. Medics come out and cart Ric out on a backboard and a stretcher while Dopey Dave wails. They roll him to the back…where the Filthy Animals get their revenge by attacking him while he’s on the stretcher. They rip him off the stretcher and beat the shit out of him and his dopey son while Torrie tapes it on the camcorder; then they toss Ric in the ambulance and drive it away. Boy, this doofus made one too many enemies, didn’t he? He’s supposed to be a babyface, and yet I feel a strange sense of satisfaction that he got his ass kicked tonight. Anyway, that match wasn’t any good, but it was made even worse by being placed right after the Goldberg/Sid epic. Sting comes back to the ring, and I wonder if we’re going to get that sixth and final Randy Savage world title reign tonight. Nope, it’s Goldberg’s theme that hits. Whoa, is Goldberg going to win two titles in one night? Or is Sting going to align with the Outsiders? I can see it going either way. Goldberg’s still got Sid’s dried blood caked on his forearm. I mean, I love Sting, but this should go only a couple of minutes after what Goldberg just did to Sid. Wait, Tony S. says this isn’t for the big gold, and I feel ripped off. Sting immediately bails out and takes a walk around ringside. Poor commentary! Heenan asserts that Charles Robinson won’t be the ref as the competitors wait for one to show up, which is logical considering that he just took a Diamond Cutter. And who runs out here? Charles Robinson. It’s the little things, WCW. Come the heck on. Anyway, we’ll end tonight’s show at Obligabrawl Count: #6, with two matches having outside brawls that made sense in the context of the match. That leaves only two matches that didn't have this trope in them (Berlyn/Brad Armstrong and Hulk Hogan/Sting) Sting spears Goldberg, who no sells that soft shit; Goldberg tries his own spear and only hits the post. Sting hits a trio of Stinger Splashes. He shoots Goldberg into the ropes, and Goldberg leapfrogs Sting and hits a spear on the rebound, then drills Sting with a Jackhammer for three. The crowd explodes. Goldberg rules, so it’s understandable. Just double-belt him, folks. He really is a megastar. In fact, Charles Robinson awards Goldberg the big gold, so he is a double champion. God, I can’t believe WCW wasted this guy. How are they not still in business?! I guess I mis-counted a Randy Savage title reign in there somewhere because I don’t think he’s beating Goldberg for the world title in the next month, but maybe there’s some screwy shit that happens between now and the end of November to allow him that opportunity, considering who is running the company. Sting gets up and remonstrates with Charles Robinson about the count, then Scorpion Death Drops him and walks out. This show probably had the most variance in quality from segment to segment of any show that I’ve ever seen in my life. It landed four entrants on my Dirt Worst list. It also landed an entrant apiece on my Charming Uniquities, Best Feuds, and SmUgs’s Standouts list. You can tell that a bunch of different people had their hands in the pie on this show, and now that Russo and Ferrara are in charge of everything for the next two or three PPVs, I expect more of the lowest lows without as many (any?) of the highest highs of this show.

Since she came back as part of Team Madness, yes. She's rivaling Jacquelyn for the most near-exposures on WCW television, Nitro Era. Well, Kimberly was going to drug David's glass of champagne that she poured for him, but was stopped when Ric emerged from the bathroom. I assume that she and DDP were going to kidnap him or something? I assume David finally was able to spot a honey pot and give the key to his dad off-camera; he had a match against Kidman anyway, and he would have wanted to stay at the arena to try and beat him and win Torrie back. Kimberly reacted with disgust, as any woman would if Ric Flair popped into their hotel room without their foreknowledge (or even with it, maybe, by 1999). Flair advanced on her, but we didn't see Kimberly again on the show, and Ric showed back up to the arena in a good mood, so the implication is that he sexually assaulted Kim, I think (and since he's the babyface and she's the heel, who cares what Ric does to her anyway, is the logic there). Which is a very Russo implication/logical connection to make! Hell, I have no recollection of it. I'm just reporting what Tony S. says every week when this sweepstakes is promoted. I put it at 50/50 that the last Nitro of the year actually has the New Year's Evil branding or whatever. I don't get why Bischoff would try to retain Jericho when it's clear that there's a hard ceiling on how much he'd be willing to push the guy. It makes me think that sending Jason Hervey to talk to Jericho was actually because he wanted to get Jericho off his payroll subconsciously.

Thunder Interlude – show number eighty-four – 21 October 1999 "The WCW Gang, especially the midcard, sure hopes that the new showrunners pay a bit more attention to Thunder" We’re Thundering right into another Halloween Havoc show… This is taped as hell, so expect this show to ignore most of what went on during the previous Nitro… Hey, it’s Scott Hudson at the desk rather than Mike Tenay…He’s joined by Larry Z….Hudson plays off the lack of Larry chants by saying they happened right before the cameras cut on…Suuuuuuuure… The Maestro opens the show against Norman Smiley in a HOT CRUISERWE—no, this lame joke of mine has long had zero juice in it…They do a bit of chain wrestling to start…It’s pretty solid, actually…Smiley dodges a monkey flip and dances a bit…They get their spacing all wrong on a rope run…Larry Z. protests Norm’s suggested pronunciation of his last name, then teaches everyone at home how to say his own last name like a Polish person would…That was interesting, actually…It may have been more interesting than this match honestly…Swinging slam, Big Wiggle, obligabrawl…Smiley counters a reverse DDT attempt into a Norman Conquest back in the ring for the win…That was sub-average… Hype video: Disco Inferno vs. Lash LeRoux… Dale Torborg looks like a doofus…I guess he’s calling himself MVP, but no, there is only one MVP in pro wrestling as far as I’m concerned, and I doubt Torborg’s going by the first name “Montel” in kayfabe right now…Horace Hogan is his opponent…Horace always tries his best, which I appreciate…This is the second straight match with an obligabrawl…Like, how many whips into the stairs and guardrail can one show contain?...Even though Horace works hard, he’s not good enough to walk Torborg through something good…It’s acceptable, I guess is the most that I can say about it…Torborg stinks, though...That’s very clear in his work…Horace does hit a nice release German, then lands his H-Bomb Samoan Drop for three…His Samoan Drop sucks, so maybe he should just do the release German as a credible finish… Hype video/recap: DDP and Ric Flair are having a mediocre feud… Curly Bill comes out to that accursed “Rap is Cr*p” tune…Boy, did they give up on this Thunder…They have so much talent, and I just don’t understand why they haven’t been trying with this show…I almost invite Russo to run this show...I expect that he'll at least put some storylines out on Thunder and give more viable, popular midcarders some burn…It was cool when Thunder at least booked multiple decent wrestling matches each show, but they’ve stopped doing that lately…Anyway, Lash LeRoux faces Bill…Honestly, Bill hits a nice short clothesline and flip arm drag in there…Hey look, it’s obligabrawl number THREE… Hahahahaha, Hudson says that Disco’s somewhere watching and laughing as “Vincent” does a job on Lash, and the captioning corrects Hudson in a sense by writing “Vincent” not as "Curly Bill," but as “Virgil”…Poor Curly Bill, he’s getting the old Lex Luger/The Total Package name forgetting treatment…Bill takes WAY the fuck too much of this match…WAYYYYYYY the fuck too much…Holy crap…He gets a solid seventy percent of the offense in, at least…Lash finally makes a nice comeback, but Virgil blocks a Whiplash and hits an armbreaker…What the fuck?...Who laid this match out, anyway?...Lash finally avoids a corner charge and lands a Whiplash for three… Recap: The tag titles are still being booked incoherently, just in case you were wondering… We cut straight to Harlem Heat already in the ring since they had the tag belts during their entrance when this was originally shot…Their opponents are the Royalists (w/Fit Finlay)…That’s not their official name, but that’s the name I’ve decided is appropriate for them…Booker and Regal have an opening that’s solid…This turns into an acceptable tag match in which the best parts are Booker hitting explosive offense, per the usual…Like, Booker tags in and explodes with a Houston Side Kick that levels Taylor…Finlay cheats from the outside to put Booker in trouble…Booker lands a Book End to try and end that FIP segment, but Finlay yanks Stevie off the apron…Booker next scores an axe kick and this time makes the hot tag…Stevie cleans house, and before he and Booker can finish things off, the First Family runs in…Stevie and Booker have no issue clearing them out as the ref calls for a DQ… Hype video: Sid is a dangerous man… More hypin’: Sid vs. Goldberg… Even more hypin’: Goldberg is beyond dangerous… Do you like hypin’?: Brad Armstrong and Berlyn are feuding, and it stinks… Yuck, now I have to sit through a Kendall Windham (w/Curly Bill) match?...This Thunder is cursed…Brad Armstrong comes out here to win this thing…No offense to Brad, but he is a solid worker who shouldn’t ever be allowed to talk and who has little utility in extended feuds in 1999…Let’s move this along…This has all the Brad Armstrong arm drags and dropkicks that your little hearts could ever desire…They’re crisp!...It also has Kendall Windham and Curly Bill…So there’s that…Bill distracts Armstrong and causes him some trouble…After a long and boring bit of Windham control, Armstrong comes back before another Bill distraction leads to a Windham low blow…There’s a frickin’ REF BUMP in this match for some reason…Bill whiffs on a boot shot and hits Kendall…BA lands a floatover side Russian on Kendall after dispatching Bill…Again, did we need a ref bump for a guy who you’re trying to build as a threat to Berlyn to beat a couple of WTR members?!... Silver King and Juventud Guerrera are a fun makeshift tag team, as are Kaz Hayashi and Blitzkrieg, but I sure wish someone cared about the cruisers…No wonder everyone was trying to get out of cruiserweight division jail according to Bischoff…Look what it got everyone who was pigeonholed into it…One thing I love about death’s door WCW is that as I recall, it restored the feeling for the cruiserweight division…Blitz does a complex roll-through for a two count after leaping onto Silver King’s shoulders, so the next time Blitz tries to leap, King presses him into the rafters… Juvi and Kaz tag in…Juvi bows, but Kaz shoves him in the forehead and shows him how to properly bow...Juvi kicks him in response…They chop the hell out of each other…Look at all this talent in the ring…They should have actually opened the show with this match…Kaz and King trade kicks before Kaz tags in Blitz, who lands a spinebuster on King and then hooks on a Camel Clutch so that Kaz can get a free kick to King’s face… This match is full of counters, but it feels generally structured even though tags are optional…I think the issue with tags being sorta optional is that it makes the actual hot tag spot less effective…King gets a hot tag to Juvi, who dives onto both his opponents…Blitz ends Juvi’s hot streak with a spinning enziguri…We get a commercial break as Juvi now endures a beating…Back from break, Juvi is the FIP even though Kaz and Blitz have been the babyfaces on television as of late…Kaz spits in Juvi’s face for that earlier mock bow, I’d suppose…Kaz and Blitz hit a combo backbreaker/springboard guillotine legdrop for only two…See, that should be a team finisher in my opinion…The thing I like nearly the least about this style of wrestling is that killer double-team moves always look like they should get three, but only get two… Juvi is in jail, basically…Even when he dodges one opponent attack, the other one gets him…Juvi’s finally able to finagle a double bulldog and get the hot tag to Silver King…King enters the ring with a double dropkick, but his run is quickly stopped by a Blitz arm drag…Blitz and King struggle over moves until Juvi just decides to springboard crossbody into the ring and, uh, get a pinfall attempt on Blitz?...See, why have hot tags if you’re going to just do that?...Kaz hits a WILD moonsault onto Juvi against the guardrail that the camera barely sees…He gets back in the ring to save Blitz from a Silver King moonsault…Eventually, Blitz and Silver King end up tumbling out of the ring, and Juvi manages a Juvi Driver on Kaz for three…The crowd on the hard cam side got into that match by the end…Again, if you’re not going to care about Thunder, at least put workers on the show who are good and will also bust their asses… Recap: On the previous Nitro, Buff Bagwell apparently works a work until he works himself into a shoot because he forgot a work's a work like some kind of jabroni mark…Or something like that... Well, after a fun match, it’s back to the trash heap…Rick Steiner insists on talking before he does some boring offense to some chump…Poor La Parka is the chump…What did he do to deserve being treated like he has been the past couple of weeks?...It’s another boring Rick Steiner squash…It’s obligabrawl number four…Apparently, we’re getting a Rick Steiner/Chris Benoit return match for the TV title at Havoc…Urgh…Steiner lands a diving bulldog for three… Recap: Chris Benoit has off-and-on feuded with Rick Steiner…The results have been an artistic disaster…And it ain’t Benoit’s fault… Hype video: Sting and Hogan are feuding, and no, it’s not more interesting with Sting as the heel…It’s 1999, not 1996, 1997, or even early 1998…Sting vs. Hogan has zero burn… Recap of recaps: Tag titles, Buff Bagwell laying down and getting bashed in the head by Jeff Jarrett, Sid vs. Goldberg…We just saw all this earlier in the show!...Well, all this except for Goldberg bashing up the ICP…Kimberly tries to seduce David Flair, but ends up having to fend off the advances of Ric…The Outsiders get into some fuckery…It’s a best of the previous Nitro package, basically…All the big angles are covered here… The Total Package faces Buff Bagwell in the Thunder main event…Glad to see Liz survived that attack on Monday *snerk*…Buff Bagwell is already in the ring…Unlike on Monday, he seems to be energized to wrestle…Huh, you’d almost think that this show happened before Russo and Ferrara took control of the booking committee…Buff explodes with some acceptable offense…He’s mostly doing mediocre punch-kick…TTP escapes the ring to get room a couple of times, but Buff follows him each time…Liz cuts Buff’s control of an obligabrawl short by shoving Buff from behind and drawing his attention…TTP takes the opportunity to jump Buff…TTP bashes Buff around ringside, then does a lot of punch-kick-choke back in the ring…This match is only seven minutes long, but it feels longer…I like Luger quite a bit, but at this point in his career, he needs to match with a good worker to produce a good singles match in any situation…TTP runs into a boot on a corner charge, eats a trio of weak clotheslines, and is saved from a Blockbuster by Liz tripping Buff while he’s up top…TTP lands a powerslam and hooks Buff in a Torture Rack for the win…Yeahhhhh, let’s keep jobbing babyface Buff…I like that a lot…I didn't like this match, though, as it stunk… One good tag match does not a quality television show make…OWWWW…

I'll see your Midnights match and give you one that I dug when I saw it maybe a year ago. It's got Cornette's watch-along commentary synced over it, but I hope that doesn't bother you. I gained an appreciation for Mr. Wrestling II as part of my Mid-South watch and tried to fill in the gaps between TV shows with as much of the house show stuff as I could find. Mr. Wrestling II and Magnum TA are my second-favorite short-term tag team (Brad Armstrong and Brickhouse Brown are my first, just in case you were wondering): Mr. Wrestling II and Magnum TA vs. The Midnight Express: https://youtu.be/6oK6-SzZfO4?si=tJ4UwA3wRABEU5q4

Show #210 – 18 October 1999 “The one that begins the Russo/Ferrara era with some unrealized promise and some real stupidity alike” A limo pulls up. The driver gets out and opens the door. Sid and a few lawyers, nattily attired in suits, get out. I forgot to mention that last week, when TTP and Liz were yapping at the Hitman and Chris Benoit, Sid arrived at the show by getting out of a cab in the background – hahahaha, I guess no car rental service would give him insurance after the previous two weeks – so this is a big upgrade for him this week! It's a HOT CRUISERWEIGHT OPENER pitting Juventud Guerrera against Evan Karagias. Juvi wins a shoulderblock before running the ropes and getting tossed to the floor. A JUVI SUCKS chant fires up, so maybe this could end up being a HOT CRUISERWEIGHT OPENER [Editor’s note: hahahahahahaNO]. Juvi reacts by ducking a couple of wild Karagias strikes and hitting counter chops; they struggle over control and dodge corner charges before Juvi scores a headscissors and signals for the Juvi Driver to boos. He doesn’t try a Juvi Driver, though; he lands corner punches and lasciviously signals for a Juvi Driver again before, dammit, what the fuck, Bret Hart busts in on this match? WHAT THE HELL, HITMAN? I thought you appreciated a straight-up wrestling match. Dammit, Bret. He says he wasn’t on the call sheet tonight, so he took it upon himself to come out here and bust in on the cruiserweights like every other heavyweight does. So, Bret says he came to WCW to get a match with Hulk Hogan and to win the WCW World Championship, but he’s been repeatedly lied to, and he’s sick of it. That’s when Sting’s music hits and Sting walks onto the ramp holding a microphone. He gets a pop because WCW is dumb. Sting says Bret should know by now that promises mean nothing in pro wrestling. Then he crotch chops at Bret. Sting: “Nobody cares that you’ve been screwed because we’ve all been screwed in this business.” I mean, the heel has a good point. Then, he ends by proclaiming that if Bret wants a WCW World Championship shot, all he had to do was ask, and says that they can fight for the gold later tonight. So, wait, they didn’t have time for Bret to have a little interview segment, but they do have time to plonk a whole world title match somewhere in this show? Which cruiserweights are they bumping for that match to happen? Anyway, WCW hates cruiserweights. Nothing new here. Tony S. tells us that Russo and Ferrara are in control starting TONIGHT, and you know what, I’ve been at least somewhat inoculated by Nash’s run. Hilariously, it only takes Russo et al. until the very first night to book an Evening Gown Match. I mean, is there any clearer indication that Russo is running things than that? Funny enough, it’s a dumb match type built on anyone who loves looking at boobs building up an expectation of seeing boobs before finally, someone loses their dress and the boobs are free and on view…but it also closes a loop by actually paying attention to what happened months earlier in a midcard feud and finishing the feud that should have been ended two months ago. Bonus points since Mona wears a gown to the ring, so you can see a sort of oblique logic to the match type, as Madusa is certainly not above destroying Mona’s gown as a way to crap on her. Oh, Vince Russo, if you didn’t have such lowbrow tastes, you might actually be a good, attentive booker. (Tony S. and Heenan are excited about that match type, by the way, and comically whiff on a high five while getting hyped to see it.) Mike Tenay interviews Sid Vicious and his lawyers in the back. Sid starts one of his crazed rants about Goldberg spearing him, but he huddles with his lawyers and suddenly turns around and professionally declines comment upon the advice of his legal team. OK, that was pretty funny. Goldberg gets out of a car. WHOA, NEVER SEEN THAT BEFORE. Sid huddles with his lawyers in the back; his legal team thinks that they’ve got an airtight way to get Sid out of the Havoc match. Vampiro walks out alone, so I guess the ICP is out of the company or on tour or hell, maybe they just missed their flight. Vampiro’s facing Disco Inferno. Lash LeRoux walks out to do commentary to complete silence because he’s had no sustained push and has garnered spotty time on Nitro and Thunder the last few weeks. Disco lands a Chartbuster in like a minute for the finish. Yeah, I see our match times have already drastically shot downward, too. Lash jumps Disco from behind and hits him with a Whiplash after the match. So is Lash a heel now? I don’t know, it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. This is WCW. Larry Z. (?!) interviews Goldberg in the back. Goldberg is determined to destroy Sid at Havoc no matter how many lawyers Sid has with him. It’s a new Seven promo. A child holds up a block with the number seven on it, then puts it down as Seven floats up to his window. Here’s what Seven/the Black Scorpion/the Niteman has to say this time around, word-for-word as before: WAIT, MY CHILD. FOR IT IS YOUR TIME. WHEN DOES OUR JOURNEY BEGIN? ON THE SEVENTH NIGHT, WE BEGIN OUR REIGN OF TERROR AND DARKNESS. WCW: FEAR ME, YOU WILL. STOP ME, YOU CANNOT. What with the goofy voice and the last two lines, all I could think was that three Yodas stacked on top of one another and wearing a vaguely humanoid suit were going to abduct this poor child. Tenay interviews Madusa in the locker room, and you know why she’s going to get so much burn in the Russo era? She is the epitome of tacky. Over-tanned, red-and-blue highlights in her hair, the gaudy American flag design everywhere on her clothing, all that screams “forty-something Florida woman who abuses her young, unsure-of-himself under-25 boyfriend, but he sticks around and takes the abuse because of the consistent sex and the lack of experience to know that something is amiss.” Which, you know, is exactly the gimmick she gets under Russo, if I’m not mistaken. Madusa claims not to enjoy wearing evening gowns or tearing off women’s clothes, which I assume that she’s done a lot of in drunken bar brawls in Destin, so that’s probably a lie. Anyway, she’s like What sort of sick fuck would even make women do something like an Evening Gown Match?, and I’m like, oh come on, that’s very on the nose. She decides that she might not even be going out there to wrestle later on. Hey, I finally recognize one of the ladies in the Nitro Girls search, and yeah, I think I know our winner: Mean Gene is standing in the ring with Kimberly to his right and Stacy Keibler to his left. Wow, think about it: Social climbing from being a contestant a Nitro Girls search to the lady who dated George Clooney one woman before he actually settled down and got married. Not bad! Buff Bagwell busts in on the proceedings. You know, this does feel like a Russo-formatted show, but it doesn’t feel that far away from what Nash was doing. Really, WCW has been booked pseudo-New York style for the past ten months anyway. Buff claims that he’s the CHO-CHO-CHOSEN ONE in the eyes of the new guys in charge. NOPE. Also, Jeff Jarrett had his Good Housekeeping Match with Chyna at No Mercy the night before this show, so I’m expecting him back any day soon. Jarrett’s 1996/1997 WCW run really opened my eyes to how fantastic a performer he is, so I’m more than willing to re-think his second and final WCW run, though I hated everything he did throughout most of the aughts in TNA, and his second WCW run is the genesis of that whole character. Anyway, Buff goes on about internet rumors that he’s going to be the next big thing under this regime because Russo is a smark who books for other smarks, but doesn’t realize that most of the fanbase for pro wrestling isn’t reading WON…sort of like Tony Khan, if you think about it. He cuts an incomprehensible promo unless you were in the know about backstage bullshit and maybe posting about it on the old DVDVR forums (if you were full of class) or Chris Jericho’s website forum (if, like me, you were a chump). Larry Z. talks to Mona in the back, who is sanguine about her chances in that whole evening gown match since she wears an evening gown to wrestle already. Huh. I feel like the way Mona and Madusa reacted to this match type should have been switched. Kimberly walks around backstage looking for David Flair for some dumb reason. Who would want to willingly look for David Flair? She doesn’t find him. Sid is not pleased with how much he’s being billed by his lawyers. He hired guys at three-fifty an hour and basically indicates two things: 1) That he expects to get out of the Goldberg Havoc match at that price, and 2) they’d better call him MISTER Tibbs Vicious if he’s paying them that much. Sid is so entertaining to me. He’s actually a very funny guy in these segments. Goldberg wraps his wrist in tape. That’s it, that’s what they showed there. Tony S. confirms, as he introduces the WCW Mayhem match of the week, that New Year’s Evil will be the branding for the 12/27/99 Nitro in the Houston Astrodome. We’ll see if he’s still saying that next week. This week’s sweepstakes match: Rey Misterio Jr. and Konnan versus Harlem Heat for the WCW World Tag Team Championships. This match goes thirty seconds before Eddy Guerrero, Billy Kidman, and Torrie Wilson walk out here. Look, can we agree that maybe there’s going to be far less match commentary about the moves actually happening in the match for the next few months’ worth of reviews? The people who walked out here crash commentary and Kidman thinks Tony is “pitching a tent” since Torrie is sitting next to him. Yuck. Meanwhile, Booker and Rey have a good sequence with one another. Eddy doesn’t fit with these other three dudes at all. We cut back to the First Family scouting the match on a monitor while Kidman tries desperately to flash a personality on audio. Meanwhile, Booker T. and Stevie Ray control Konnan in the ring for a while before Booker wanders over to commentary to jaw at the other two Filthy Animals. Eddy continues to be terrible on commentary; the folks in the WWF/E really helped him unlock his true potential. This is a very busy segment; off-camera, Booker goes at it with Eddy and Kidman while Rey and Konnan land a leveraged pin on Stevie and win the tag titles, BWAHAHAHAHA, this is all some nonsense. Thank goodness that we can finally get this Booker/Stevie direct feud that has been teased for like eighteen months going, though. Let’s get through it and move on to better things for my boy Booker. Kimberly tracks down David Flair and gives him the ol’ “fuck me” eyes. What the heck? Kimberly propositions this dope David, and oh, this is definitely a honey pot. She leaves her hotel room card with him, and yeah, he’s about to get his ass kicked by DDP in a random Marriott hotel room. The Filthy Animals celebrate in the back with Mike Tenay and cut an interview. Please Freebird Rule this shit so Rey and Kidman can defend the gold most of the time. The First Family runs up and demands an immediate title shot at Havoc, but Konnan blows them off. Meng walks out and faces Hugh Morrus in singles action. Meng no sells Morrus’s nonsense for a little bit. The Outsiders arrive at the show while Meng does some clubbering. Morrus hits a couple of Savage Elbows while the Outsiders take their seats, but he doesn’t pin Meng quickly enough, and Meng just gets up and TDG’s Morrus for three. Why would you book this match if weeks have been spent building Morrus and Knobbs as a threat to the tag titles? No, never mind, it's WCW, and I don’t expect Russo to be consistent with how he applies consistency. I think it’s just that he’ll be consistent if there’s a way to justify, say, an Evening Gown Match via being consistent, and that he won’t be consistent if he’s just pushing Hugh Morrus or whatever. Sid and his lawyers walk through the backstage area; Goldberg spies them on a monitor and vows to see what they’re up to. Sid walks to the ring (to a small pop because we’re in Philly and Sid is quite over here). He calls his cadre of lawyers to the ground while Heenan continues his out-of-place Borscht Belt act that zendragon, I think, commented on earlier (“Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe”). Sid says that he’s a man of his word, full of integrity, and therefore he’s going to follow this contract and dodge the Havoc match. That’s a pretty good way to re-frame the idea of having integrity as a heel. The crowd chants YOU SUCK and GOLDBERG, so as much as they like Sid here in Philly, they prefer Goldberg. Goldberg jogs down and spears a lawyer accidentally after Sid yanks him into Goldberg’s path, then turns around into a big boot. Sid lands a powerbomb, then stuffs their Havoc contract down his throat and yells SEE, IT’S NOT GONNA BE THAT EASY, GOLDBERG! AT HALLOWEEN HAVOC, I’M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS! That was a cool segment, actually! Sid has been doing excellent character work since he and Goldberg have been more directly interacting. So, this is a neat tease; Hall and Nash point and laugh at Goldberg as he painfully exits the ring, so Goldberg piefaces Hall backwards into the second row; Nash gets in his face and also gets shoved back into his seat. Security runs up and breaks up the melee. See, this actually did get me hyped for Goldberg to fight a bunch of dudes: Sid, the Outsiders, the whole lot of them. Security kicks Hall and Nash out of the building while Goldberg angrily limps away. We cut to the back, where security matches Nash and Hall through the back as they protest such treatment. Tenay interviews Bret Hart in the locker room; he says basically that it’s about damn time that someone gave him a shot at the big gold. The Hitman wants to win this thing tonight, then take Sting’s place against Hogan at Havoc. Sting runs in and jumps Hart at this point, and they have a pull-apart brawl. This has been a messy and sometimes incoherent show so far, but it’s been fun and has promised some good stuff in the future. Yes, I know that this is how it starts with Russo and that the promise is never even close to fulfilled, but the stuff that’s been engaging on this show has been of very good quality. We come back from break to see the Outsiders still protesting their removal from the show. Nash: “Hey, those broads paid fifteen hundred dollars apiece to sit with us tonight!” He also complains about it being cold outside and that he’s sick and needs his cold medicine that he left back at ringside. Security is steadfast in their refusal to let them back into the building. Goldberg yells for Sid Vicious backstage and even accosts a poor, underpaid PA to find out where Sid is. Berlyn (w/THE WALL, BROTHER) walks down the ramp; oh boy, Rick Steiner is his opponent. I see that they’re going to kill off Berlyn, huh? Berlyn jumps Steiner at the bell as Steiner mad dogs THE WALL, BROTHER; Steiner is the defacto babyface here in Philly, by the way. He hits a clothesline and scores a pop. Brad Armstrong runs into the ring randomly, and Steiner grabs him. The ref is distracted, and THE WALL, BROTHER takes the chance to whap Steiner in the head with a chair. Berlyn quickly rolls back in the ring and covers for three, so they didn’t kill him off…yet. BA checks on Rick Steiner, who of course just kicks the shit out of this guy all the way up the ramp and into the technical area. We go backstage, where Hall and Nash have sneaked back into the building. Nash has been complaining that he’s had a cold all night, and he sounds stuffed up, so he whips it out from inside his pants. Uh, “it” being a stash of cherry cold medicine. Hall calls out for Goldberg, sneaking around like an idiot, while Nash chugs some cold medicine. Kimberly walks through the lobby of the nearby Marriott, and Dave Flair has to know that this is a honey trap, right? While I don’t believe in strict levels like a lot of the male online dating commentariat seems to, there are broadly, due to socioeconomic, racial, and gender preferences, groups of people who you are more and less likely to end up in a long-term or short-term relationship with. Dopey Dave and Kimberly are in the "less likely" pot when it comes to their on-screen WCW characterization. We come back from break to Kimberly walking into her room; the shower is going, and she talks to whoever is inside, then takes off her coat. All I’ll say about this part is that I have healthy T-levels. Very healthy. Oh, a second thing about this: It’s clear that this horndog Russo is running things. Anyway Flair comes out of the bathroom as Kimberly prepares to dope his glass of champagne. Not Dopey Dave, though; Raggedy Ric. Ric’s like WOOOOOO I’VE BEEN TRYING TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU FOR YEARS AND NOW IT’S FINALLY HAPPENING, WOOOOOO. Flair: “Now I’m gonna give you a fourteen-time spankin’ that your daddy should have given you a long time ago.” EWWWWWW, gross. Ric advances on her before the camera cuts away. That's, um, uncomfortable. Goldberg’s still marching around backstage and, hey, the ICP is still in the company! Goldberg asks them where Sid is, and when they don’t have a good answer, he beats the hell out of them and keeps walking. Larry Z. interviews The Total Package (I’m settling on this capitalization as, unlike the Giant, who was often called just “Giant,” it seems like WCW is insistent on calling Luger THE Total Package every time. I’m sure this will change eventually, but you know what, we’ll just go with The Total Package and TTP). Anyway, I guess TTP is supposed to face Goldberg later tonight, and he is visibly shook about the mood that Goldberg is in. He’s actually pretty funny, saying that even though Goldberg beat up some clowns, Goldberg can beat up all of Barnum and Bailey if he wants because he’s “The Total Package…r-right, Liz?!” Hilarious. Liz tries to gas him up, but it only partially works. Luger trying to talk himself into being courageous is excellent. Nice little interview segment. Luger is underrated as a talker, IMO. We get a split screen of Mona and Madusa prepping for their match. Mona checks herself out in the mirror. My T-levels are still healthy, just in case you wanted to know. (I know that you almost certainly didn’t want to know this. Sorry.) David Flair somberly walks to the ring to wrestle, or at least to do something that passes for pro wrestling. He’s facing Billy Kidman (w/Torrie Wilson). Torrie’s wearing a robe and is probably going to do a big reveal, but don’t worry if she does; I won’t have to report on my T-levels spiking. Kidman and Torrie smooch before the match, and if the term “cuck” had been widely in popular use in the U.S. at this time, I think we know what these degenerates from Philly would be chanting about now. Dave charges Kidman and basically gets his ass kicked. Wait, hold up, he does a TERRIBLE corner charge splash shoulder check thing in there. Oh my gosh, Kidman is selling for Dave’s shitty offense; David even gets two on a floatover vertical suplex. After that flurry, Kidman goes back to kicking his ass. Kidman comes and talks to Torrie, so Dave sneaks up and DDTs him. Torrie gets on the apron and partially disrobes, but David freaks out and covers her up, then turns around into a Sky High and a gnarly SSP because Kidman slams him right in his jaw with a knee, yuck. Poor David; I know that hurt like absolute hell. The rest of the Filthy Animals rush down to the ring and destroy the corpse of David Flair while Torrie laughs. Hall and Nash continue searching for Goldberg backstage. They run into Gene Okerlund and ask if Okerlund’s seen the guy. Okerlund points them in a direction. Okerlund: “I saw him down there, *points*” Hall, realizing that Gene has put the ball on a tee for him: “Down WHERE?!” Okerlund realized that he walked right into that one, and it was pretty funny. Ric Flair shows up to the arena and walks through the backstage area. No word on the fate of Kimberly. Madusa and Mona face off in this absurd Evening Gown Match. Tony S. is like, Welp, you can tell that we have new leadership. Madusa does not come out here in an evening gown, and Mona seems irritated about that. Heenan: DON’T CLIMB THE TOP ROPE, START RIPPIN’. I blame ECW for this, indirectly. Madusa does a good job of working like she’s irritated that she has to be here, though! It’s actually a decent match, and in no small part because of her. Well, for as long as it goes, at least. There’s a ref bump two minutes in, so Madusa crabs a chair, whacks Mona with it, then goes over to jaw at the commentary team. Mona dives onto her and rips Madusa’s dress off, then leaves. I guess this is the Turner S&P version of an Evening Gown Match? Madusa grabs a mic and tells Philly to kiss her ass for thinking that she would happily do this nonsense, which actually got a small pop since Philadelphians appreciate rudeness and shit-talking. Sting walks around backstage with a bottle of water and the big gold belt. I guess that match is maybe next. Here comes the Hitman down the hallway, and yes, that match is next. Alright, let’s do this. I have no idea what happens with the world title except that Randy Savage has one more mini-reign and must lose it to either Flair or Hogan in short order. I also know that Savage is done by the end of November of 1999 and it’s mid-October of 1999, so there must be multiple title changes coming up in the next handful of weeks that I don’t know anything about. Bret Hart is down first, followed by Sting. Bret opens with a series of punches, then dumps Sting to the floor so we can have a quick little obligabrawl. It’s a higher quality version of the typical obligabrawl because Bret is an underrated brawler. Back in the ring, the Hitman continues to steamroll Sting, landing a headbutt to the abdomen and raking Sting’s eyes across the top rope. Choke, kick, punch for the Hitman, though Sting is able to get a couple of eye rakes in to turn the tide. We go back outside, where Sting chokes Bret with a TV cable and does a little obligabrawling of his own. Sting tries a Vader Bomb, but Bret gets his knees up and resumes offensive control of the match, including a nice DDT for two. The Hitman lands a swinging neckbreaker and a legdrop for another two count. Remember almost a year ago when they had a shitty match at Havoc ’98? This isn’t entirely a make-good for that, but it’s much better than what we got last year. Sting manages to reverse a corner whip and goes to work, landing a Stinger Splash and a few boots before Nick Patrick backs him off for a bit. He comes back in and boot chokes Bret, then rolls outside, grabs Bret’s legs, and crotches him on the ringpost a couple of times. Back in the ring, Sting locks on a sleeper as a LET’S GO BRET chant starts because we’re in the Northeastern United States. Bret works his way back to sitting, then kneeling, and then finally standing as he punches his way out of the hold and bounces off the ropes…into a kneelift. Sting hits an elbow and OWWWWWWs, then drops a leg and scores two. Sting tries a chinlock as Bret pulls at Sting’s hair and tries to find a way out. He gets back to his feet, backs Sting into the corner, and hits a gut shot, but Sting quickly rakes the eyes, lands a punch of his own, and lands an inverted atomic drop for two. This has been a pretty good match so far. Sting shoots the Hitman in, but Hart stops short on a Sting dropkick attempt and drops a few elbows, then tries to shoot Sting into the corner again and actually manages it. He brings Sting out, lands a headbutt (that Tony S. is surprised that he used, for some reason, as he fairly regularly uses headbutts), and sticks Sting with a piledriver for about 2.5. Bret teases a Sharpshooter, but instead stomps Sting in the solar plexus, then picks Sting up only to drop him with a short right. Hart continues to land rights, and after the last one that knocks Sting back down, he locks on a Sharpshooter, but Sting is able to just barely reach the ropes. Sting sells a knee injury as Bret goes back to the attack, targeting Sting’s lower back with strikes and butts. Hart lands a backbreaker for two, but Sting reaches up and rakes Bret’s eyes to break the pinfall attempt. This gives Sing some room, and he hobbles around before trying a vertical suplex; Sting’s back gives out, and Bret falls on top of him for 2.7. Sting needs to slow things down and take time to breathe for a bit, so he goes for another sleeper, but Bret immediately hits a back suplex to escape it. Sting is up first, which screams that Bret is playing possum, and sure enough, Sting leaps from the top and dives into knees. Bret takes over as Elizabeth comes to ringside. The Hitman lands a second-rope elbow for two, and now here comes The Total Package with the bat. Liz draws Patrick’s attention as Bret cuts off TTP. He’s able to fight both guys off for a bit, but Luger swings the bat and drills Bret in the ankle; Sting locks on the Scorpion Death Lock and Bret taps even before Sting really sinks it in. Sure, this had the typical run-in finish for WCW, but that was genuinely a quite good match. I still think they have even better in them, but I’m glad to finally be able to put a Bret/Sting match on one of my good lists. Ric chastises his dopey son backstage. Dave: “Kidman beat me up!” Ric: “WHAAAAT?!?!?” Hilarious. It’s legitimately good to see that Dave is coherent after taking a knee to the side of his face. Anyway, Ric freaks out about the Filthy Animals attacking Dave. Hall and Nash walk around backstage as we go into a break. We come back to Hall and Nash having stolen the Villanos’s masks. Nash says that they need to disguise themselves by speaking Spanish, so Hall yells for SEÑOR GOLDBERG. Nash is feeling woozy from his illness, though, so he gets a little nauseous and Hall has to come back and check on him. La Parka is settling his mini-feud with Buff Bagwell next. Well, “settling” is a loose term for what happens: Buff’s going to lay down for Parka. Buff walks down, upset, and lays down for Parka, then gets up and asks into the camera: HEY RUSSO, DID I DO A GOOD “JOB” FOR YOU?! Oh yeah, this is some true garbage. What I love is that Buff is kayfabe better at wrestling and totally outclasses Parka, which indicates that this match is real, but Buff’s been booked to lose, which indicates that this match is not real. In other words, there is zero consistency in how this match is being presented, thereby making it impossible to suspend disbelief because most of my time is spent thinking about whether or not I was supposed to think this match was a shoot or a work and the rest of the time thinking about how La Parka deserves better than this. It’s our first Dirt Worst moment in the Russo era! That didn’t take long (note: I don’t count the Seven promo as that was set in motion before Russo was fully in charge). Bonus: We see a shot of a bunch of midcarders in the back laughing at Buff taking the L (since, you know, he avoided jobbing twice in two PPVs against midcarders Ernest Miller and Berlyn, which you’d only know if you were one of the eight percent of viewers who actually followed that stuff online). Then, Jeff Jarrett randomly runs in and bashes Buff over the head with a guitar. Jarrett grabs a microphone and basically says that he’s got the stroke, then grabs his junk. So yeah. That happened. Jarrett walks down the aisle yelling YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT STROKE, BITCH?! The replay of this segment is sponsored by the USAF, which is hilarious to me for some reason. I mean, yeah, you’d want to target these wrestling shows with ads if you wanted a batch of aimless young men who need structure and purpose in their life to help you feed the industrial-military complex and protect your country’s hegemony, wouldn’t you? But also, Jarrett yelling YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT STROKE, BITCH right before the USAF logo and tagline come up is hilarious to me. Doug Dellinger and security cut Hall and Nash off at the pass. Hall pretends he doesn’t speak English, and we get a discretion shot so that we don’t see Nash vomit on Doug Dellinger, even though Hall was allowed to vomit on people in full view of the camera last year. Saturn vs. Chavo vs. Eddy is next up. Shane Douglas joins commentary. A light E-C-W chant starts up and dies out quickly. Chavo and Eddy shake hands while Douglas rants on commentary about the revolution, etc., etc. Chavo immediately betrays Eddy by rolling him up as he goes after Saturn. Saturn attacks both men in what Tony S. says is an elimination triple threat. Benoit and Malenko are over in Japan right now, and Douglas says they’ll use that time to get their heads straight and rejoin him. Meanwhile, this is a triple threat match and, while every guy in this thing rules, it’s not as good as it would be if we just had these guys wrestle a round robin series of singles matches. Shane yells, “Look at these brothers going at it!” about Chavo and Eddy, but they’re uncle and nephew, you dunce. Anyway, this match is as good as it can be for a triple threat, but at some point, Chavo figures out that if it’s elimination, he should stand outside the ring and wait for one guy to finish the other. Yes that’s logical. The crowd is silent for these fellas except for one guy yelling BO-RING, which is just wrong for a match involving these three, but also, I kinda get where he’s coming from. We get a three-way obligabrawl outside the ring. Back in the ring, we get more wrestling with a lot of spoiled two counts, then a tower suplex spot that is contrived, but that looks nasty. I thought that Saturn might have legit jammed his neck, but he looks okay. The Filthy Animals flood the ringside area. Konnan gets in Douglas’s face at the desk, and Douglas, who has a sling on for a legit bicep injury, grabs a chair anyway; Kidman takes it away. Saturn sees the issue at ringside and dives at Kidman, who holds up the chair as Saturn smashes into it. This is the bad kind of busy, unfortunately. Anyway, the first pinfall comes when Chavo lands a vertical suplex on Saturn and Eddy sneaks a Frog Splash for the pinfall. Eddy gets up from that and turns right into a Chavo springboard DDT for three. The rest of the Animals jump in the ring and stomp Chavo out, but he escapes. This was a bit much, y’know? Goldberg pumps up for his match with TTP; TTP pumps up for his match with Goldberg. Horace Hogan brings a trash can to the ring as Tony S. says that hardcore matches are RETURNING TO WCW, and technically, yes, WCW President Ric Flair banned them, but also technically, Brian Knobbs has been bringing plundah to the ring every week since then and using it on his opponents. Anyway, Horace’s opponent is Norman Smiley, who should be donning a football helmet and screaming a whole lot sometime soon, if I’m correct. What a waste of this guy. Horace jumps Smiley in the aisle, who desperately tries to dodge weapon shots and, yep, screams in fear after taking the trash can to the dome. Again, the good thing about Vince Russo is that he has something for everyone to do, and I value that after weeks of the WCW midcard being destroyed via inconsistent booking and a lack of attention. The bad thing, though, is that Russo has a bunch of dumb ideas for a lot of these midcarders. Horace kills Screamin’ Lord Sutch Norman Smiley until Smiley reverses a whip into the stairs, then takes the stairs, gets on top of them, and preps a Big Wiggle (to a pop) before Horace gets up and forearms him in the balls. This is dull, and a couple folks in the crowd are vocal about how bored they are. They don’t even get up for Horace putting a table in the ring. Horace tries a chair shot, but Smiley moves and the chair rebounds into Horace’s head. Norman leans against the table tiredly, and Horace tries a spear, but Norman moves again. Smiley checks the totally out Horace, then cautiously covers for the three and the victory. I actually don’t hate the idea of a wrestler who is not fit for hardcore matches freaking out about being in the division – it’s the old Mikey Whipwreck gimmick in ECW, basically – but Smiley doesn’t strike me as the best guy for this role. Then again, he is a funny dude, so maybe I just want to see him in wrestling classics when he’s better off doing this gimmick in the late ‘90s/early ‘00s American wrestling scene. Ric Flair storms out to talk. He makes a hockey reference that I don’t get. I always forget this guy is originally from Minnesota and would quite naturally have picked up an affinity for ice hockey in his youth. Flair claims to have banged Kimberly, but his buzz from that encounter has been harshed by coming to the arena and learning that the Filthy Animals kicked the shit out of his kid. He yells a lot. It’s boilerplate late-era Flair. He challenges the whole group of dudes to come down and fight him. They answer his call and kick the crap out of him. So, are the Animals heels, or like what? Dopey Dave runs down and immediately gets stomped out as Misterio lands a Bronco Buster on Ric. See, this is, from a wide view, a credit to Russo et al. He’s pushing a group full of young midcarders who can wrestle and also Konnan. Hahahaha, they robbed Ric after taking him out, HAHAHAHA! OK, the Animals are babyfaces in my book for stomping a dude out and then casually stripping him of his valuables. That is tremendous. The Total Package knocks on the door of the ladies locker room for Liz, then yells that he’s coming in, so everybody needs to cover up. He finds a KO’d Liz, face down on the ground, and calls for help. Goldberg walks out here, the faint implication being that he possibly was the one to beat the hell out of Liz (Tony S.: “We’ve never seen Goldberg in this state of mind”). Also, there are those false rape charges Liz tried to level at him, if you want to think back ten months to pile suspicion on Goldberg getting some revenge, though I’d rather we didn’t mention that again on camera. TTP and Goldberg meet each other in the aisle and brawl. They make it back to the ring, where Package gets some control before Goldberg no-sells a vertical suplex and kicks TTP in the side of the head. Goldberg short-arm clotheslines Package so casually, man, he looks like such a beast. Goldberg tries a spear, but Package moves and Goldberg dives into the buckles. Package gets some control, but as usual, Goldberg endures it and comes back, and of course, there’s a ref bump. Here come Hall and Nash, wobbling around at the top of the ramp and crushing NyQuil. They goof around up there while Sting runs down with the baseball bat and pops Goldberg with it. Bret Hart hobbles to ringside and attacks Sting, takes the bat, and slams it into his gut, then swings for the fences; Sting ducks, and it breaks against the post. The Hitman puts Sting in the ring and locks on a Sharpshooter, but TTP attacks him from behind and racks him. Goldberg gets back in the ring, spears Luger, and Jackhammers him for three. Goldberg and the Hitman shake hands, which is a nice moment in time that should be snapshotted because it won’t last! Russo’s warmin’ up! We haven’t slid into complete incoherence yet, mostly because Russo hasn’t fully put his hooks into this show, so we got a mélange of Russo/Ferrara nonsense and consistent story stuff. It’ll get worse because Russo always starts out strong, but can’t follow up on an idea properly to save his life. Still, this was at least pretty watchable and mostly engaging. Also, is it strange that Hulk Hogan wasn't on the go-home Nitro for a PPV that he's main eventing? I hope Russo started dicking that guy around immediately. 2.75 out of 5 Stinger Splashes.

I think it's weird that they sidelined that character and then suddenly bothered to bring him back by giving the gimmick to Dale Torborg. Huh. If Adams was reluctant about doing it, why did they do all that follow-through in the first place? I guess he didn't say anything until three weeks in or something. zendragon is correct: Tony S. has stated that it's the 12/27/99 Nitro. They're running a WCW Mayhem (the video game) contest in which the winner gets to attend it for free, IIRC in Houston, if I recall the last time Schiavone shilled it on Nitro correctly. In that original post, I almost got it mixed up with the 12/31 New Year's Eve PPV that Bischoff wants to run and always says that Turner shot down because a bunch of people didn't want to work NYE, but Tony S. explicitly stated that it was the 12/27 Nitro. Now, if they drop that branding between now and then, I wouldn't be surprised, since Russo is coming in and flipping the table, which I'm sure doubles the confusion when trying to figure out if this event ever happened. They should have run these matches on Nitro, but I think my belaboring the point about how they misbooked Blitz, Psicosis, and the whole cruiserweight division in 1999 is quite long in the tooth at this point. Nash left the belt on Rey, who spent a lot of time in feuds outside of the division, for most of the year before bypassing the types of workers that made the division special to put it on a guy working a broad, WWF-style character instead. Nash is the guy who finally killed the cruiserweights, which doesn't surprise me since he is openly down on smaller guys who don't have big characters. I cannot stand Duggan, but people love his shtick. I think if they left him on C-shows in the Southern and Midwestern U.S., especially considering their crowd makeup, it would have been out of date, but fine. However, that's not me trying to indicate that there's anything wrong with making fun of his dopey shtick! Bischoff on his podcast complains about the TV title being dumb and useless all the time even though it helped elevate both Booker T. and Chris Benoit. I mean, that TV title reign pretty much cemented Booker as a legitimate future singles star in the company. You could see it happen in real time. La Parka getting a well-booked run with it would have made a ton of sense. If Russo can have an era that only goes like three months before they send him home and then pair him with Bischoff, Nash can have a six-month era. I thought Nash was booking this show for nine months - didn't he get slotted into the position at the start of 1999 after being added to the committee in late 1998? Anyway, no matter how many months, I had the same realization as you that Nash did a bunch of garbage that people put on Vince Russo. And if you listen to 83 Weeks shows that cover PPVs or Nitros during Nash's tenure, Bischoff basically loves a lot of the stuff that was spearheaded by the Nash-led committee that he apparently signed off on. I've settled into the belief that, no matter how chaotic Vince Russo's run gets, it Nash's run that burned WCW creative to the ground. Russo and Ferrara merely salted the earth afterward. Really, as soon as Bash at the Beach 1998 ends, WCW cooks itself over the next fourteen months with a sudden and severe downturn in creative quality and, because Bischoff and Nash aren't willing to push certain types of guys much or at all, a severe downturn in match quality, too. Outside of when they got hot for a few weeks in March/April of 1999, this show has been awful. The funny thing is that the WWF is cooking with their loaded main event scene, but it's an active midcard that has clearly defined roles and stories that is buttressing all their main event stuff, which is largely thanks to...Vince Russo caring enough about a vibrant midcard to develop this stuff and take it to Vince McMahon for sign-off. The WCW midcard as of October 1999 is basically dead, poorly booked, and with a bunch of ill-defined wrestlers who barely get on TV consistently. I expect that to change by December of 1999...except for the guys like Psicosis and La Parka, who aren't native English speakers and therefore aren't worth doing much with in Russo's mind.

Natural, you know I love you, bud, and I might get on your "get fucked" list along with Hulk Hogan after I type this, but always remember: The English invented the language, but Americans perfected it. Also, stop stealing all the "u"s and pronounce your "r"s, dammit!

I thought the remake was a fantastic experience. I don't think I could put TTYD over SMRPG just because SMRPG hits differently for me from a nostalgic point of view, but TTYD's not far behind for me. I'm a huge Geno fan, but I'd put Goombella and Vivian on that level as well. I love Paper Mario 64, too, but other than Lady Bow being pretty cool, I don't think the partner characters were nearly as good as in TTYD. I like Bobbery and Kid Yoshi a lot, too. I know that Nintendo put PM64 on the N64 NSO app a couple years ago, so that wasn't a priority for a remake, but I hope Intelligent Systems does a full remake for that game three or four years down the road, too. It'll offset the next new Paper Mario game that I won't like and have learned by now not to even bother with unless it goes back to the PM/TTYD roots of the series.

IDK, he seems like more of a Ragu kind of guy.

Thunder Interlude – show number eighty-four – 14 October 1999 "The WCW Gang gives up on Thunder and lets Kevin Nash say whatever he wants on commentary" Let’s continue to Thunderrrrrrrrrrr toward Halloween Havoc… This one is a live show since we’re two weeks out from the PPV…We’re in the capital of Louisiana tonight…One thing I miss about WCW is how they’d do televised shows from mid-sized and small cities…Those crowds would be juiced for a live wrestling show in their area and often elevated a show with their excitement… And look who’s here…Mike Tenay, Larry Z., and Kevin Nash, who cackles and actually excitedly wriggles in his seat when Tenay introduces him…I think that was genuine excitement on his part… Nash says that everyone claims he was a horrible booker who always booked himself in the best spot, and he says that indeed, booking himself into retirement was a sweet deal for him…He says that he’s on commentary because he’s still getting paid, and WCW wanted to get something out of that fat contract he’s on… I will say that the issue with Nash’s tenure wasn’t that he made himself champ for two months…He was absolutely over at that level, even if he was only the third-biggest babyface behind Goldberg and Sting (in that order)…It’s all the rest of it, what with the dumb segments and the inability to properly organize the midcard and the oversight of a bunch of belts being booked into oblivion…That’s what makes him a supremely shitty head of a booking committee… Oh man, Nash taking one last chance after his now-dead booking tenure to not get anyone over because he’s too busy telling jokes is too good… Human tree stump Buddy Lee Parker comes to the ring to face Hacksaw Jim Duggan, whom I can’t stand, but who will forever be way over in Louisiana…Every time they come to this state and run him out here, he gets a nice reception…This match absolutely sucks, obviously…Do you think Hacksaw could hit a terrible football spear at this age?...Like, how far off the ground could he get before flicking his fingers into the side of Buddy Lee’s head and having the Sarge sell it like death?...The best part of this is Nash thinking that Tenay made up the name for Duggan’s Old Glory kneedrop, which Hacksaw lands for three after way too long…Nash asking if Tenay had official documentation for the name of that move had me dying… I see we’re bringing out the big hitters…Al Green is out next…Tenay points out that Nash tagged with Green in the past…Nash gets the jobber enhancement talent Green mixed up with the singer of “Tired of Being Alone” and croons badly in the bargain…You know what, some wrestler should pull from singer Al Green’s life story and scald their enemy with a “pot of hot grits” attack…Anyway, Lash LeRoux is jobber enhancement talent Green’s opponent…Let’s get Lash some promo time and put the Cruiserweight title on him if he doesn’t suck at talking…Huh, as I write this, Tenay says that Lash is randomly getting a shot at Disco’s title at Havoc…I spoke it into existence…Nash likes LeRoux’s sideburns…Nash riffs while Green catches a LeRoux dive and slams the young wrestler for two…LeRoux quickly recovers and cruises to victory from there, drilling a Whiplash for three. Recap: WCW insists on pushing the First fucking Family… The Total Package (w/Liz) deigns to show up on Thunder, and in fact, will be on the taped Thunder next week against Buff Bagwell…Just get these two together as heels instead of having them wrestle one another…The latter never goes very well…Forgive me for being crude, but I think there are two women who caused teenage me to really understand and accept his attraction to women in their 30s/40s…Liz in WCW and Pam Grier in that one episode of Fresh Prince where she tried to seduce Will and he curved her…I basically hated on Will for missing his shot, which totally went against the message of that episode… Anyway, Larry Z. makes an off-color comment about Liz’s magnificent bust, and Nash half-chuckles/half-winces before congratulating Larry on lightening up a bit…TTP cuts a promo in which he’s annoyed that he and Liz and Nash for that matter are huge stars who were forced to come to Baton Rouge…Nash: “Hey, I didn’t say that”…TTP: “If you want me to talk, you’re gonna SHUT UP”…Nash, in an affectation of a shocked babyface commentator: “HE’S JUST SO SMUG”…Haha….TTP is not a fan of the “sawed-off runts in the back” and their dreams of stardom…This is a promo just to fill time…The crowd is hot for it, though, and even starts a faint ASSHOLE chant…There’s a shot of a fan in the crowd Torture Racking his friend…Nash: “The Old Glory Torture Rack”…*snerk*… Finally, Buff Bagwell walks out here to a nice pop…You know what I love?...Buff got that big win over Piper with the help of his mom…He got a big head…And soon, he’ll be doing worked-shoot lay downs for Vince Russo in a dumb angle…He deserves it…TTP claimed that no one tried to contact him when he hurt his arm earlier in the year, and Buff says that’s a lie because he, Buff, checked on tTP and got no response…Buff asks what the deal is with tTP and Sting’s friendship with him…Buff is hurt that Luger is acting this way because tTP helped him out and he looked up to the guy…Well, except for about two years ago when Buff picked up cheap win after cheap win over tTP and laughed about it…Now Rick Steiner comes down and helps distract Buff so that tTP can jump him…Uh, La Parka runs down for the save with a chair?!...The heels bail…Nash claims that tTP is terrified of skeletons…What the fuck is happening right now?!... Recap: Torrie Wilson is desperately trying to upgrade on David Flair as a partner… Scott and Steve Armstrong tag up against Brian Knobbs and Hugh Morrus (w/Jimmy Hart)…Let me just put a grade on it for you right quick…DUD…The most exciting thing about this bout is Tenay announcing that Mayhem will be WCW’s first Canadian pay-per-view show ever, held at the Air Canada Centre/Scotiabank Arena…It’s also one of only two non-WWE PPVs to be held in this building, as I just found out in a quick Google…AEW held a PPV called Forbidden Door there last year…After an obligabrawl and a lot of boredom, Morrus lands a No Laughing Matter on one of them Armstrong Boys for three…They let Knobbs talk after the match, and it stinks on ice…Harlem Heat runs down and clears the ring…Kevin Nash has a bout of racial blindness and thinks that Booker T. is Wesley Snipes…They look nothing alike!... Recap: The Revolution went from four to two on Monday, and Saturn will face Rey Misterio Jr. later tonight to try and settle things… Recap: Kevin Nash claims that he put together a top-notch video package of Goldberg and Sid facing off on Monday, then realizes that he forgot to add a voice over and just does it himself live as it plays…Nash: [Goldberg], A MAN WHO CANNOT TOUCH THE OTHER MAN…Sid: “Does it feel good?!”…Nash as Goldberg: I DON’T KNOW, WE HAVEN’T TOUCHED…Nash: AND THE VERY SHORT POLICEMEN LOOK AT THE GIGANTIC GOLDBERG…Nash points out that he milked the hard camera as Goldberg Jackhammers Horace Hogan and gets excited when he spots himself clowning… Nash: BILL GOLDBERG: A BALD-HEADED MAN WITH A TATTOO WHO HAS ONLY LOST ONE TIME, TO A FIERCER WARRIOR THAN HIMSELF, KEVIN NASH…Tenay asks if NFL Films has invited Nash to work for them…Nash: BILL GOLDBERG STANDS ON THE TUNDRA OF LAMBEAU FIELD…*snerk*…Nash, upon seeing Sid: SID! SIX-FOOT-TEN, TWO HUNDRED—NO, THREE HUNDRED—NO, FIVE HUNDRED AND NINETY-ONE POUNDS OF MENACING STEEL… Nash: WITH THE HELP OF HIS ALLY RICK STEINER, VAN HAMMER GOES DOWN TO DEFEAT…AS THE BALD-HEADED MAN THAT IS NOT GOLDBERG (Slick Johnson) [is behind him to count the pinfall]…This is so dumb, holy shit…Nash: RICK STEINER, A MAN FROM DETROIT, MICHIGAN WHO SPEAKS LIKE A SOUTHERN REDNECK…bwahahahahahahaha, that is hilarious… Everything about Goldberg is SECOND TO NONE according to Nash…NASH: [GOLDBERG] TURNS [to see Sid] AND NOW HE RECKONS THE FACT THAT HE CANNOT TOUCH THE AGILE GIANT VICIOUS…Sid says basically the same thing about not being touched directly to Goldberg in the recap audio…Nash, irritated: “I just said that, Vicious”…Nash: GOLDBERG PONDERS THE SITUATION, LOOKS FROM SIDE TO SIDE, GIVES A WINK – AND A TACKLE! WHAT WILL HAPPEN?! WHAT DOES MONDAY BRING US?!?!?!?! I mean, Nash just made a joke out of the only interesting feud WCW’s built going into Havoc, but he can get away with it because he really is quite funny! Horace Hogan is adrift without any backup…The B-TEAMERS EXPLODE as Crush comes to the ring…Man, there has been too much ALL CAPS in this review…In my defense, ALL CAPS is the only accurate way to stylize Nash’s commentary for that last recap…Nash cracks himself up by calling Horace’s backward boot to Crush’s balls an Old Glory Mule Kick…It’s so dumb, but I’m laughing…Nash says that Luger refuses to come back to the ring because of the skeletons on the side of Horace’s singlet…Tenay warns Nash that Luger’s going to send him a memo about getting his new naming conventions wrong…Nash: “Sorry, Package”…This match is entirely forgettable, but actually Tenay playing straight man to jokey frat boy Nash is very entertaining…Get Booker back out here and let’s put Chet Lemon and Black Snow on commentary along with Tenay…If no one cares about Thunder, at least give me that…Booker calling his own run-in back in TNA is one of the funniest things ever in pro wrestling…(A few wrestlers run into the ring to attack Scott Steiner as Booker sits at the desk): WHAT THE HELL IS GOIN’ ON…(Booker runs in and lands a boot on Consequences Creed) : BOOKER T.’S GONNA HIT HIM WITH A KICK TO THE HEAD, OHHHHHHHHH…Absolutely hilarious…Anyway, Crush wins it with a piledriver… Gene Okerlund, uh, interviews Lash LeRoux in the ring?...Maybe this would have been better served by being taped for next week’s show since LeRoux already wrestled tonight?...Nash, scoffing: “Who’s booking this?!”…LeRoux cuts a shitty promo, so never mind about putting the gold on him…This broke-ass Remy LeBeau imitation sucks…I know he’s actually Cajun, but still…That’s how it comes off…He’s cutting this promo in Louisiana, so the crowd’s naturally receptive, which is good…It’s so weird to me that being Cajun in and of itself is a gimmick in pop culture, generally…Is it the accent?... Recap: I got a Topo Chico from the back of my fridge, and it wasn’t as ice cold as this Berlyn/Brad Armstrong feud… Prince Iaukea is food for Berlyn (w/THE WALL, BROTHER)…So much ALL CAPS, geez…Nash promises to put together a video package for THE WALL, BROTHER next week…Tenay asks him to please do the audio commentary ahead of time, hahahaha…Tenay announces a tTP/Rick Steiner vs. Buff Bagwell/La Parka match for later tonight…Nash is shocked that this match is happening…“What are they doing together as a team?! Oh no, no, I remember now, half the guys didn’t show up today, so we had to book this earlier in the day. What are you smiling about, Mike? *laughs*”...Tenay, wryly: “Welcome to this all-shoot edition of Thunder!”…Larry Z. tries to join in, but his comments are superfluous, and he only fucks up the exquisite two-man act that Tenay and Nash have going on. Nash doesn’t help poor Berlyn’s case by claiming that he weighs in at a “stealth[y] 163,” then ignores the proceedings to claim that he and Hall are getting a variety show on TBS…Nash: “I’m looking for some kind of niche here. I’m tired of bumping around, I’m getting old”…Stop talking to Larry; he stinks at verbal interplay with Nash…Aw man, nothing on this show matters, and while Nash is correct to treat all of this like it doesn’t matter, because it doesn’t, he’s also a huge part of the reason that all of this doesn’t matter considering he’s the creative vacuum who helped Bischoff run WCW’s popularity into the ground…Nash calls out Iaukea’s Samoan Drop as, you guessed it, the Old Glory Samoan Drop…Berlyn’s cruising to victory, but pulls Iaukea up at two on a pinfall attempt just so THE WALL, BROTHER can punch Iaukea right into a reverse neckbreaker for three… Hype video: What the hell, let’s try and push Meng as unbeatable again… Luther Biggs (w/Coach Buzz Stern) is really bumming me out…Nash and Larry Z. think that the husky Biggs will blow out a number of vertebrae and joints working at that weight…Mean…Nash, talking about Meng as the latter comes to the ring: “You never see Meng and Barry White at the same time”…They look nothing alike!...Nash, I know you’ve met some non-white people living in Detroit…You should have less racial blindness than this…Nash actually straight up puts Meng over for his toughness, then sets up Tenay by asking about Meng’s sumo background…Even goofy-ass Nash is going to play it mostly straight when Meng’s in the squared circle…Meng quickly locks on a Tongan Death Grip for the win…Coach Stern tries to break the TDG up with a clipboard shot after the bell, so Meng TDG’s him, too… Saturn and Rey Misterio Jr. could wrestle each other every night, and I’d be into it…Nash remarks that Havoc is his favorite PPV…Tenay, in a voice that suggests that he knows better than to ask, but he's going to do it anyway: “And why is that, Big Sexy Kevin Nash?”…The answer is basically “strip clubs in Vegas when we hold Havoc there, LOLOL”…Saturn and Rey have another fine match, though not to the level of either of their recent Nitro bouts…Misterio lands a Bronco Buster early…Nash: “Y’know, if Hacksaw did that [move], it’d be the Old Glory Rough Rider”…It still isn’t old, at least to me…Saturn lands a Porterhouse modified T-Bone suplex and then works a series of holds on Rey for a couple of minutes…Rey tries a couple of comebacks, but gets stuffed, including on a nasty Dragon Suplex… The match is basically that, actually…Lots of Rey making comebacks that don’t quite stick because Saturn uses his power to kill them…For example, on this diving powerbomb counter to Rey’s top-rope Frankensteiner attempt…Rey decides that his best route to victory is flash pinfall attempts rather than trying to get extended control of the match and gets a headscissors into a victory roll for three…Saturn grabs a chain from his tights and lays out both the ref and Rey after the match…Saturn lands an Old Glory Elbow a Savage Elbow and locks on a Rings of Saturn before a bunch of refs run down to back him away… Let’s get this main event out of the way…Rick Steiner and the Total Package (w/Liz) are out to the ring first…Tenay points out that Nash is the godfather to Rick’s oldest son Hudson…Huh, Rick and his wife really like first names that end in -son, huh?...Anyway, Nash shouts out Hudson on commentary…This match is a zero with an obligabrawl to startand all that sort of thing…Nash, as Bagwell chokes Luger at ringside: BAGWELL GOES TO THE OLD GLORY CHOKE AT RINGSIDE…I assume there’s a supercut of just all Nash’s Old Glory references (another one just now: “Old Glory Steinerline”) on Youtube somewhere…La Parka is basically here to get his ass kicked…He finally gets a hot tag after hitting Luger with a missile dropkick…Well, he actually doesn’t make the tag, but Slick Johnson is storyline and also shoot friends with Buff and lets it go…Then, Parka gets back in the ring with the chair and Buff hits him with a Blockbuster because Parka got in the way of his line of sight while prepping to Blockbuster Steiner…Buff leaves as the heels stomp Parka out…Uh…What?!... This Thunder was basically a bag of smashed assholes, but Kevin Nash and Mike Tenay genuinely were enjoyable together, so you know what, it made things watchable…WOO…