RUkered

I have got to try to get on early. I'm missing all the deathmatch fun. Well, in my case it would be deathmatch frustration because I'm usually just a liability to my team. Although last night that may not have been the case because I had a touch of the Melraz Mojo™ apparently. It was a rare night for me. He texts me last night "Dude where are you? Hell of a crew game going right now" and then texts me a screenshot of a full list of DVDR names. I was like a little kid trying to race home from the store to sign on: "I hope they're not all signed off by the time I get home..." By the time I was able to sign on, they were already in the afterparty. The minute I sign in, somebody buzzes my doorbell. I know what's going to happen, but I walk out the front door anyway to give myself a reason to beat some ass. Sure enough, he blasts me. I say over the headset: "[jackass's name] is hovering outside the apartment. He's killed me three times." Immediately it's melraz and J.T.: "We're on our way." And then here comes Robert. Then here comes Mis. Here comes the rest of the DVDR Rolling Death Brigade. It probably didn't take 5 minutes until everybody on the map except a small handful were piled on the same city block, and none of them stood a chance against us. And then that Melraz Mojo™ I mentioned kicked in. I don't know why or how, but I was scoring sniper shots on people running, people trying to get away in cars - it was amazing and will probably never happen again. A few times, I even got to hear the line that gets yelled at melraz: "Dammit Burke!!! I had him in my sights!!" There were two we were going after the most. To their credit, they stuck around way longer than any sane person should have. But the funniest part to me was, when they finally decided to run, one of us would hop in a car and chase them down and the war would start all over again. The only person who gave us any trouble at all was a guy with a minigun, but even he couldn't hang. We literally whipped those two guy's asses from the middle of downtown all the way up to the beach off the highway on the west side of the map. That was, without a doubt, the most fun I've had on this game by a mile. I hated having to sign off and go to bed. EDIT: I forgot about this. It was so bad that, at one point, I drove up to the rest of you pack of wolves, and all I did was GET OUT OF THE DAMNED CAR unarmed and immediately got a 2-star. This is cracking me up because I wish you guys could have played with him before he joined the crew. We'd do Top Fun and he'd let out a string of cusswords so long that Satan blushed because he couldn't fly the jets worth a shit. And if you ask him, he still thinks he sucks at flying. He's basically Jackie Chan in The Drunken Master or whatever that movie is called. Shovel him full of Colorado Kool-Aid and watch the magic begin.

That has to be an error. Please God, let that be an error.

Funny that both of you mention that, because I bought it thinking it looked like Casey Jones, but I knew I liked it for another reason. I found this in the house of my high school reunion after party.

Damn Mis. Get back to selling Simeon cars soon buddy. All b.s. aside, here's to a quick recovery.

You reminded me of what happened last night. For some reason, the cops never impounded my vehicle last night. They killed me at least 5-6 times, but my buggy would always be there when I respawned. Usually when it gets impounded, I just call something else in so it gets destroyed and then pay insurance on it. Since it was there, I kept reusing it. Between getting rammed by the cops and trying to run over Hannah Montana every 3 seconds, this was the end result: J.T. hopped in with me for an exciting cruise down the block, and by exciting I mean "swerving like a drunk because I'm constantly overcorrecting for the strong left pull." It was so beaten to shit that when I got in it the last time, two assault rifle bullets were enough to blow it up. Also - as I'm looking at the picture, I'm realizing only an idiot like me would pick his most open-air vehicle to try to run people down.

Hey Mel, Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey. Two beer. Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey.

With all this talk of missions, I'm kind of in the mood to run through a bunch. I've only done some of them, like Coveted, a couple times. If anyone sees me on and we're not already in a party, definitely feel free to shoot me an invite. I know my reputation is now "Melraz-lite, the freeroam shit kicker", but the round of deathmatches and races and all that lately with you guys has been a blast. And I still want to do that piece of hell underground motorcycle race we talked about a while back.

Yeah seriously, I'm only saying what's already been said, but HOW the hell do all you guys have negative reps and Mel and I are at 100%?? I was going to say my only guess is because we haven't been active on Xbox Live until we started playing this game, but after J.T. said his changed after car bombing sprees, that can't be it. Maybe people just pity us when they hear our accents. And yeah, I'm also mad I didn't get one of those guys with the helicopter blades. I was right on top of two of them and still couldn't pull it off.

Well, in fairness, if I'm on a team of 3, you can proceed like you're facing a team of 2. That being said, no way in hell was I about to swap. I pulled the self-proclaimed Jstout tactic of "hang back and let the heavy hitters babysit me to some cash and RP."

Sounds like the crew has a non hell raising faction and a hell raising faction. I don't think we've yet reached a level where a DVDR tag comes up and everybody's gunning for it. Freemode will always be the wild west - has been since GTA 4. That's why I'll never understand it when I see people bitching on the official GTA forums about freemode killing. This game is no different than the last. All I ever played was online freemode in 4 and it was a blood bath. Same here. No matter who you are - you mess around in freemode - somebody's coming for you eventually.

If figure if anybody would get kicked, it would be me for having the inability to stop laughing for 30 minutes straight. I had to mute my mic twice because I couldn't stop. Just the image of Mis's character calmly standing outside the apartment behind a folding table full of shit while rockets and tanks whiz by in the street was killing me. I randomly remembered it at lunch and started laughing all over again. I was like a damn giddy schoolgirl last night. Yeah Mel and I thought we were being all slick picking the scooters. As I remember it, we were way in the lead for most of the race, but I either wrecked the scooter and fell off or slammed into something that stopped me dead - can't remember for sure. But I'm busy trying to recover and hold my second place spot, so I didn't notice Robert coming. Panned the camera around at the very instance he bowled me over. It was hilarious. I'm pretty good at dodging people trying to run me over in sports cars. Apparently that's not the case with slow ass tractors. As Stout says - sometimes you're the hammer and sometimes you're the nail. I was absolutely the nail last night. I was dog sitting for some friends the past several days and they don't have internet, so I couldn't take my Xbox with me. Apparently I lost all ability to do anything in five days' time. Those Russ[insert random name] dudes and that Ace whatever sniper guy whipped my ass all night long. I think I lost like 9-3 to a couple of them. And I even missed twice with my favorite thing - the old call Lester to hide and drive a sticky bombed car up their ass trick. It was pitiful. And my night ended when the Xbox froze solid and I realized it was almost 2 a.m. It's probably a good thing, because I would have gladly stayed up until daylight and then probably skipped work. It was a hell of a good time.

You've gotta go out once in a while for a Pal's chili bun, man. For shame...

That reminds me of a couple play sessions back - I think there were about 5 of us messing with some dudes that were in the fort. Two took off in helicopters, and all I had was a plain helicopter myself - no buzzard. So I threw a sticky bomb on my chopper and took off. I wanted the kill so bad, but I couldn't catch either of them. I could just see the confused look on the dude's face when he's thinking "it's just a Maverick - what's he gonna do?" and then we both go up in a fireball. It worked out in the end though because I circled back to the fort just in time to see one of them run into the hangar to get a jet. Not today, junior. After that, Stout and Melraz stood outside the fence sniping them as they tried to escape on the highway. I think they ended up leaving the room if I remember correctly. That should be the new DVDR tagline. "Room full of jabronis? This town not big enough for the both of us? Call 555-DVDR."

I thought it was a Timberlake reference since he brings sexy back to GTA with all the palm leaf fanning, grape feeding dames he has following him around. This is J.T.'s entrance music.

You signed off at a bad time last night, Melraz. After you left, Stout and I hung around in what was probably the craziest room I've ever been in. I've seen plenty of posts by you guys talking about rooms being the Wild West, but I don't think I fully understood it before. After last night, I do. At one point, I believe we were battling 3 tanks and 2 buzzards. At any given time, there was a pile of 8 or 9 dots, just jam-packed together. Even when that mayhem ended, I was getting relentlessly sniped and I couldn't even see the guys on the map. One was level 996, so I don't know if he was cheating, just that good, or I was just that bad. We finally had to launch a mission just to escape. Then Stout let me drive the MEH SEE mobile, and I'm really torn on whether to spend money to upgrade it. Like he said, it's the best handling car I've driven in the game, but that top speed lacks just enough to make it the perfect car.

This may have been the guy I was bitching about in my post when y'all said "your first mistake was trying to be nice," but the guy who shot me was really low level with a player name of PlayerSlayer09. How can I resist making him blow all his money on hospital bills with a name like that? And regarding tank assholes - a few nights ago I was playing with a couple of guys (I'm struggling to remember who it was now). Maybe Fung and Mis? Either way, if I recall, we were whipping this guy's ass; he gets a tank and gets his revenge. I only manage a couple of rockets in between 3-4 deaths. Then it hits me - "Oh hey, I have a tank too." So I roll up on him and destroy his tank - I believe we all kill him a few more times. Then one of the other crew says, "I think he's going for a Buzzard." Sure enough, here he comes. And in my proudest shot of the game so far, I blew the bastard out of the sky with my tank. Not that impressive, but when you shoot like a drunken dog with cataracts, you take what you can get. We then waited on him to quit being a bitch and come out of his apartment, but he wouldn't. I didn't want to let myself become a tank asshole, so I hopped out and blew it up so he wouldn't come out and get it.

Speaking of raising stats - I finally decided I was sick of my lagging stealth and lung capacity, so I spent time yesterday maxing those out. I had a piece of the 4th bar for lung capacity, so it probably only took 15 or so minutes. Stealth was a different story. I crouched and kept circling the same block forever until my thumb was numb. So I found a long, straight stretch of road, did this, and went to the kitchen to make food.

I'll never understand some people. If you're a level 9, why in the hell did you just kill me when I saluted to let you know I was being friendly? Not that I'm complaining - I'll happily wear your ass out with a minigun multiple times and, no, running in that clothing store won't save you. I think he got the message when I rammed the cop car he was driving into a wall and shoved a sticky bomb up his ass.

I didn't notice it myself, but I read online that there was a spiral on his back - scar instead of tattoo if I remember right.

Yep. I liked him okay enough up to this point, but when he stepped up beside Boyd I popped. Then he proceeded to beat the absolute dog shit out of the jacked up Nazi and I'm now fully on board.

"Welcome to my shop, let me shave your crop."I think that should be Mel's new sniping war cry. I think my favorite part of the game now is only half ass glancing at player names and then just making up whatever we want. Today it was me, Mel, and Stout and we fought Cheeseburger (Chestburster), Cap'n Crunch (CapnCrump), and a couple others I can't remember. I think I've finally perfected my cooked grenade drive-by's for this one. I may suck ass with guns, but I was a fucking master of that in GTA 4. Trying to get my old glory back. "If coach woulda put me in fourth quarter, we'd have won state. No doubt in my mind."

I signed on and blew way too much money on the dlc stuff. Even that horrendous car. It's slow, but can be modded. I'm not wasting the money though. Anybody who wants to give it a test run, just say the word. So glad they added the friendly fire thing. No more "oh shit man I'm sorry my bad sorry." I'm gonna be on and off most of the day. The last time I walked out to clear snow from my heating unit, it was almost up to my crotch. Ridiculous.

I won't spoil it, but I'll just say - don't sweat it too much Rippa. I don't think I've heard of one single person who didn't make the right choice.

"His muscles are as soggy as a used teabag." I knew I liked you guys for a reason. Foghorn ranks equally with gangster talk and Scarface impressions in my book. I think the key to a good Foghorn is to make sure you start saying something, cut yourself off mid-word, and then throw in an "I say" or two. "That boy is as dense as a volcan-, I say, a volcanic rock." I'm on board for Foghorn Secret Service recruitment.

I may have to stop using my mic with that Valentine's DLC because you will all want to murder me after listening to me run around talking about MEH SEEEEEE and dames non-stop. Edit - I'm kidding about that, but I really do have an irrational love for old gangster speak. Obligatory Little Caesar plug: