Fuzzy Dunlop

You know, Raheem Sterling should really learn not to antagonise racists by picking up a football and smiling. I also don't think the whole being a young, rich, successful black man helps matters either so maybe he should tone that down a little. He brings it all on himself, he really does...

I finished the game a few days ago but I haven't posted since because of how devastated I was:

Cena and Hailee Steinfeld were guests on The Graham Norton Show over in this neck of the woods and, man, I know it's been joked about before but dude is basically a robotic simulation of what a human being should be. My damn teeth were itching over how cheesy and cringeworthy he is. He can't even sit on a fucking seat like a normal human being without looking awkward as fuck. Anyway, the only thing we learned was that fellow guest, Matthew McConaughey was once thrown out of a building for throwing rotten tomatoes at Skandor Akbar.

I bought myself a mean as fuck looking bear head hat from a trapper that made me look about 8 foot tall and I thought I was the baddest looking motherfucker on the planet but then all these posh twats in Saint Denis started making bitchy snide comments about how ridiculous I looked with my bear head hat and it took all of my restraint to stop myself murdering everyone in the whole damn town. I would have too except you can't fucking jaywalk in Saint Denis without 57 lawmen putting 257 bullets in you.

I was on that mission where Sadie and I killed the everliving fuck out of a bunch of O'Driscolls and, after, I tried to ride up this big fucking mountain in the Grizzlies just because but, turns out, this was a stupid mistake seeing as I was basically vertical trying to ride up this big fucking mountain and so my horse fell and rolled over about 107 times and then died but I didn't have any horse reviver left so the only choice I had left was to kill my own horse but I panicked and ended up shutting down my X-Box instead because I didn't want to lose another fucking horse. Anyway, I didn't lose my horse and lesson is to kill more fuckers and stock up on more horse reviver so that shit never happens again. Another lesson is...I love you Sadie Adler, you terrifying lady you.

So, I may be in love with Sadie Adler and by 'I' I don't mean Arthur Morgan, I mean me, in real life, an actual human being in love with a computer character. It's all very creepy. What a (computer simulation of a) woman though. FUCK Micah and FUCK Dutch, Sadie and I should rule this kingdom and sit on the Iron Throne.

Well, the fucking Murfree Brood are damn sure gonna replace the whale in my nightmares.

Holy shit, achievement unlocked; I now have the lowest honour level you can get. This is a proud day. I'd just like to take the time to thank all those horses, shopkeepers and blind fortune tellers I shot in the face.

Well, shit, I made myself look like a fucking idiot. Turns out you don't permanently lose all your shit after all. Dutch can still go fuck himself though.

Man, fuck that Saint Denis bank robbery and FUCK Guarma. That shit led me to lose around $6000, my damn horse (named Horsey McHorse) I'd had for a billion years, all my murder souvenirs I looted from dead fuckers (only some of them deserved to die too) that I hadn't fenced yet AND my spiffy top hat I splashed cash money on in the tailors. Fuck Dutch too.

Finally, my first Klan encounter. Waited until the cunts actually burnt the cross then chucked in a couple of sticks of dynamite, dead eye on, picked off the rest of them with rifle headshots and then piled all their bodies on top of each other at the foot of the burning cross to create a little KKK bonfire of my own. And, yet, still it wasn't satisfying enough. I still wish you could skin humans... Also got pickpocketed in Saint Denis but then I'M the one who gets the bounty for chasing down and beating the dude to death? Granted the punishment doesn't fit the crime for the $4 he stole probably to feed his hungry children but, still, Saint Denis is my town and that's some bullshit. Ah, who am I kidding, I still love you, Saint Denis.

'Dutch has asked the gang not to use weapons or cause trouble in Rhodes.' Man, fuck you Dutch. Arthur Morgan will never be employee of the month. I also nearly evacuated my own bowels hunting that white cougar in the cave, shit was terrifying. Took me a couple of maulings before I figured on using that eagle vision shit to slow everything down and see in the damn dark so I could take that fucker down. Herr Strauss can collect his own fucking debts after that one.

Holy shit, Mongo seems pretty accurate for what I am in this game. I'm both the dumbest motherfucker and the meanest motherfucker and that's not a good combination. I only wish I could knock horses the fuck out with a single punch though. And I hate candy. Yeah, large parts of my map are red as fuck now because I am dumb and mean. I had paid off a bunch of bounties and tried being a nice guy but life just isn't as fun if your whole world isn't surrounded by red. I just chug down a bunch of dead eye shit and kill the fuck out of bounty hunters on my tail and if I die, I die. I have enough money now that I don't miss it that much. Besides, I don't buy that much anyway, although I did splash out on a new coat and a haircut in Saint Denis and I'm now a shaven headed, moustachioed, duster sporting dumb and mean motherfucker. Shit, I don't even do that much of the actual story, I'm only now at the new camp and whatnot.

I spent way too long trying to find the edge of the park like I'm Ed Harris in Westworld. While way out west I get mauled deader than dead by this fucking bear who blind sided me like a huge hairy ninja because, in a panic, I forgot where the fucking B button was and by the time I tried to remedy myself, it was too late. Spent the next half hour trying to find this bear (or at least, a bear, cause I figure it's either gotta be him or someone related to him, a 2nd cousin maybe) so I could shoot him repeatedly in his big, dumb, cuddly, ferocious face. I also got bitten on the foot by a rodent. Little fucker. Wanted man in Strawberry now after stealing the general store's illegal moonshine stash from the basement. But the law weren't after me for that, I could have just walked away with the $50 and the shopkeeper wouldn't have reported it but, nooooo, I had to steal a measly $5 from the till and a few supplies from the store. And shoot the shopkeeper, to be fair. And throw dynamite at the lawmen but I only killed maybe 2 or 5 of them on my way out of there, what's the big deal?

'Hey, Jack, you want me to take time out of my busy schedule of throwing O'Driscoll carcasses off cliffs, joyriding on stolen trains and shooting blind fortune tellers in the head from point blank range with a shotgun to take you fishing?' 'Okay, well, I'll just sit here bitching and whining about how boring it is in the most irritating voice imaginable.' 'Fuck you, Jack, you little shit. I should throw you off a damn cliff.'

I just shoot the blind dudes. Because I'm a sick fuck.

Also, as someone who isn't the biggest gamer in the world and who, the last GTA apart, hasn't played a game as much since the last Red Dead but who is completely engrossed by this one, I love the shit out of these random little stories from this thread. I'm so totally looking forward to coming across a KKK meeting so I can kill the fuck out of those fuckers.

So, yeah, I tried to be a nice guy, I tried to play by the rules. I mean, I paid all my bounties and I'm trying not to kill random fuckers now but that's just not as much fun. If you're not the meanest fucker around, what's the point? Ain't no-one want to be the guy who gives random stranger ladies a ride back to their camp and shit. I have a really rather perverse interest in killing fuckers and then dumping their carcasses off a cliff. I've lost count of the amount of O'Driscoll bodies I've threw the fuck off the side of a cliff. But, fuck them, they deserved it.

Also, I killed this one guy on a horse carriage, rob him then stab one of the horses, they end up fleeing towards a cliff. I go back to them, stab another horse and all four horses and the carriage go careering off the damn cliff. Total horse carnage. Darndest thing I ever saw since the last darndest thing I saw in this game.

Yeah, I'm pretty much fucked with all these bounties I've racked up because I'm an idiot. So, I'm doing one of the stranger missions where you have to collect photos of the gunslingers and I kill the one dude on top of the train but then I go and shoot the fucking train driver, steal the train and joyride around half the fucking map in this train. I mean, it was a great way to see the world but every new place the train went into I got another bounty because I was on a STOLEN FUCKING TRAIN. Idiot. It also doesn't help that I can't help killing and robbing random fuckers. I was already a wanted man in Valentine but I tried to go in the saloon when three O'Driscolls were at the entrance and told me to walk away so, being the bigger man, I turned around and walked away but then one of the bastards called me a 'yellow belly' and ain't no motherfucker call Arthur Morgan a yellow belly. Stopped short like I was in an actual Western film, turned around, killed those 3 suckers dead. The lawmen descend on me, shoot the fuck out of me after my horse kicks me off him and that's more dollars lost that I need to pay off bounties. So, yeah, at the minute, I'm doing hunting and treasure maps and shit to make some money because I can't go anywhere without 6 bounty hunters and 3 dogs tearing me a new asshole. And it's all my fault. This game fucking rules.

Well, he told his daughter unicorns were real so that's something at least, I guess. I've used 'bashed' way too often after watching it too. I should really hunt down The Magician on Amazon or whatever.

I am unnervingly displeased that you can't skin human beings I also shot a dog who barked at me funny. But I didn't kill it, I just let it scamper off into the woods to die slow in insufferable pain. I mean, strangers and pigs are fair game but dogs? I love dogs. I think there might be something wrong with me.

Sorry I can't remember who exactly it was but thank you to the dudes who were talking about Mr. Inbetween on here recently. Holy shit, what a show. So that's Mr. Inbetween, Atlanta, Killing Eve, Barry and The Good Place I've watched this year specifically based on users on this very forum talking about them. The internet is good for things other than dick pics and cat videos, I guess.

So, yeah, within the space of 5 minutes, I killed two strangers and then dumped both their bodies off a cliff. I then killed a farmer and dumped his body in with his pigs in the hope the pigs would eat his body. When that didn't happen, I killed all his pigs, picked up the dead farmer's body, dumped him in his barn and then set his barn on fire. I never knew I was so fucked up. If I was in Westworld, I guess I'd be a murderous psychopath.

I burned through Maniac over the last few days. I've seen it accused of being overly sentimental. Is that a bad thing? I don't know. Jonah Hill I'm not a particularly big fan of but I loved the shit out of Emma Stone and Justin Theroux knocked it out of the fucking park. Yeah, it's sentimental at times but it's also funny and clever and, yeah, I dunno, I really quite liked it. My wife continues to hate watch American Horror Story, I watched the first episode of the new series with her and, holy fuck, that show is horrendous but still she perseveres with it even though it's fucking shite. I've watched episodes here and there down the years and, fuck, is it always that bad? Is your significant other watching pish like that grounds for divorce? Okay, I'm kidding and don't tell her I said that. She's been liking The Sopranos since I started re-watching it so she's not a lost cause yet, I guess. But still...American Horror Story? Fucking hell.