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Lawful Metal

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Posts posted by Lawful Metal

    SECRET SATAN 2023

    in MOVIES & TV

    Posted

    31 minutes ago, Curt McGirt said:

    I'm still scabbed up but pretty much recovered from the fall. Took me three visits to get the stitches out (they took two out the first time, told me to come back later, second visit refused to even touch it because they couldn't find the sutures, third time I had it cleaned out and they got em out). In retrospect I liked the movie more than I let on, it was a nasty little piece of work. People doing dumb things is kind of a feature of horror movies anyway, not a flaw. Or however that line goes. Also, I stole the movie off Soulseek so I had no problem finding it 😉 (Reminds me, I got Prey waiting on me. Meant to review it in time but oh well. I also wanted to get in a watch of Night of the Bloody Apes but no cigar.) 

    which ending did you get?

    SECRET SATAN 2023

    in MOVIES & TV

    Posted

    4 hours ago, RIPPA said:

    THE RUINS (Carter Smith, 2008)

    IMDB

    SELECTED BY @Lawful Metal

    My daughter just read the book and was thoroughly traumatized, so can I request The Ruins?  No idea if its been done before, but damn I loved the book.

    REVIEWED BY @Curt McGirt

    This might as well have been tailor made for me. Beginning of last week I missed a step and had to start running down some stairs, kept running (this was an outside staircase up to a second-floor landing, and the house was set on a hill), and went down on my knees in the parking lot... which was made of large, sharp rocks. I got two puncture wounds, skinned both knees and ended up with seven stitches in the right one that have to go on Sunday. As you'll see -- fitting. 

    Anyway, this opens with two couples of 20-something white kids at a Mexican resort in Cancun or somewhere, lounging around the pool. They drink margaritas and talk until one notices a missing earring and says a gobstopper of a line: "That was my favorite earring." Not "these are my favorite earrings", THAT... was her favorite earring, singular. Well! Now that we know what we're in for... 

    The earring is immediately found by some young stud with a deep German accent and apparently his brother is out scouting some location in the jungle and he's supposed to meet up with him tomorrow, would you young pieces of cannon fodder like to come along? Of course they do! So, in the morning after one of them drinks too much and pukes in the toilet that morning, they pay some random Mexican to drive them up to somewheres in the jungle and find a spot prior mapped out that was apparently ancient Mayan ruins. They move like two, three branches and voila, the path! Which is extremely stupid for soon obvious reasons. The kids go down the trail and find an immense Mayan temple covered in vines that have what look like cannabis leaves on them. Soon as they show up some locals do too that don't even speak Spanish, are yelling at them in probably Mayan or something, and they end up shooting the dude that came with the German right in the face after an arrow in the shoulder. Uh oh -- up the temple they go! To quote the immortal Knights of the Holy Grail, "RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY!" When they hit the top they find a shaft to the center of the temple with a winch and rope, tents of prior visitors, and like the complete jackasses they are decide to go spelunking. Ze Yerman falls down the shaft and breaks his back. They manage to get him out, but keep hearing a cell phone ringtone down below, and decide to investigate again. Things... get worse. 

    I really hated these kids right from the jump, so this was just an invitation to laugh at their misery, and suffer they do. It turns out all those vines on the temple are aliiiiiive, and end up infecting them, crawling under their skin; they steal away dead bodies; they have little flowers on them that parrot sounds (thus the ringtone), and meanwhile as they discover this the rest of the villagers have taken camp below to make sure these white pieces of bread don't get any further than the canopy. They even shoot a little kid that touches some vines. All sorts of grisly shit gets gotten down to with another choice line being "Let's take a vote. You know, raise your hands if you wanna cut off his legs." 😄 So, the connection to my hospital visit last week: amateur surgery, including guess what... big sharp rocks! And boy, it is not pretty. Also, one of the girls ends up first jacking off and later outright sleeping with the boyfriend of the other couple while all this shit goes on! I guess you gotta fuck away the pain? 

    Some of the actors are vaguely familiar in a "these kids were in a bunch of shit in the 2000s" way, specifically the two male leads, one of whom was Iceman in X-Men and the other was in the Texas Chainsaw remake (1st one) and Hostel. The production values and effects are high quality, CGI looks convincing, gore is VERY convincing. And that's what we're here for anyway, isn't it? The other benefit this watch has is its short run time as it flies by in an hour and ten. In, out; kill the kids, let's go bowling. I expected to dislike this a lot from the beginning and boy does it come off stupid still (well-obscured, that pathway! And so far from a fucking resort) but as nature-runs-amok goes this is fun. 

    EDITOR'S NOTES

    My apologies to Curt as he sent me this ages ago and it got lost in the shuffle (probably when the board was eating my posts).

    It's on Paramount+. There are versions on Youtube but who the fuck knows what their quality is like.

    Great review! So I think the movie works, but the book is 500% better. The movie shifts the characters and predicaments a bit and has a much darker ending. It’s also written brilliantly — no chapter breaks and a relentless pace of nonstop brutality. It’s one of my daughters favorite books! Highly recommended! 
     

    Speaking of endings, when we rewatched it on paramount plus, the ending was different than I remember in the theater way back when.

     

    Spoiler

    In the rewatch, Jenna Malone’s character escapes, the Greeks show up, yada yada. 
     

    what i remembered is this:

     

    I think the second one is better for the movie, but again it’s all different and actually less dark than the book.

    And sorry about the falling down the stairs and the puncture wounds. As someone who recently sprained my ankle horrifically (and then was in trial for the next three weeks straight on a walking boot and cane) and also suffered puncture wounds (albeit from knives) I can relate. Get well and keep trucking.

    PS the new Panopticon is fucking brilliant.

    • Like 2

    SECRET SATAN 2023

    in MOVIES & TV

    Posted

    1 minute ago, Curt McGirt said:

    Lawful, thank you. Who knew mine would be the thorn in your paw? I'm glad you enjoyed it though (and your review is hilarious). 

    Telly stomping around the train swilling from a bottle of vodka, wielding a sword and talking shit might be the best thing about the movie. And that's in a movie with alien-possessed zombies that are bleeding from the eyes! 

    I loved it.  Having to watch it in such a fractured way in spite of all the craziness in my life going on it really helped that the movie was, y'know, actually great.  I didn't even mention my own trip to the ER!

    Lawful Jr. tells me his review will be done any minute. 

    • Like 2

    SECRET SATAN 2023

    in MOVIES & TV

    Posted

    Happy Halloween!  Lawful Jr. promises his review will be done by noon.  He's been busy too with his niece coming this month - he's pretty much been running the house.  (Plus I think he's been a little scared to watch the movie)

    • Like 3

    MLB 2023 PLAYOFFS

    in BASEBALL

    Posted

    What about the suspension for the maniac shoving an umpire around and escalating a situation? 

    And Abreu had no control during the AB before Garcia. It’s a 2 run game. Why in the world would anyone be ok with intentionally hitting someone? It’s stupid. It wasn’t intentional. Dipshit Garcia putting his hands on the umpire? Intentional. And what kind of bitch goes after the catcher and not the pitcher? Almost as if Garcia knew it wasn’t intentional and just reacting to Maldonado’s trash talk

    UFC 294: Makhachev vs. Volkanovski II (10/21/2023) - Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates (Etihad Arena)

    in BOXING & MMA

    Posted

    19 minutes ago, jaedmc said:

    I thought a Draw was on the table.

     If they're emphasizing Damage then I could see Usman winning the second and the third, honestly.

    10-8 in the first was disrespectful. Not a ton of damage, no point did I think he was gonna finish Usman. Also to give Chimaev the third on one takedown with no damage delivered is why I hate MMA judging. 

    Usman was robbed

    NFL 2023 - WEEK SEVEN

    in FOOTBALL

    Posted

    18 hours ago, Contentious C said:

    I love making fun of the AFC/NFC Souths for stinking, but it really does make me feel good to see Lawrence and Etienne still out there together having success.  Jags might be the only team of those 8 that isn't a JV bunch.

    Fuck the Jags

    NFL 2023 - WEEK SIX

    in FOOTBALL

    Posted

    9 hours ago, Tabe said:

    Schaub led the NFL in yards one year. Had 4000 another year. He's light years ahead of Jim McMahon, Kyle Orton and the cast of garbage Chicago has had. 

    he also set the record for consecutive games with a pick 6.  I loved Schaub!  He also underthrew every bomb to Andre Johnson and robbed him of TDs (Arian Foster would always run it in from the 1).  He got screwed by Fat Albert Haynesworth twisting his foot on the bottom of a pile that gave him the Lisfranc injury that ended his best season.  He never recovered from that. 

    • Like 1
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