DEATH VALEY DRIVERETTE 5172014- PART OF THE ZERO-1/WRESTLE-1 CARD!

[DEAN]

DRIVERETTE 5172014

 

Sorry this took three days.  I was actually disciplined and writing everyday but every thing I was watching was on Dailymotion- which only streams correctly on home computer- which still runs Vista.  So HA! new technology!  Vista is awesome now that everything has caught up to its groundbreakingness!  BEHOLD,  THE PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING!

 

&*&*&*&*&*&*&*& ZERO-1- 5/6/2014- (DEAN RASMUSSEN)

 I'm not sure what I was babbling aboot when I said Zero-1 had a tiny internet presence because lately I've been watching a lot of internet Zero-1.  Actually, I've been watching a lot of internet Zero-1 that features Kohei Sato(1).   This is the card kicking off the Wrestle-1 Invasion, as it would be cool if Wrestle-1 decided it wanted to destroy all other wrestling promotions with "-1" in the name.  Let's roll around in the undercard!

 

DAEMON UEDA/ TAKUYA SUGAWARA vs RYOUJI SAI/ SHAWN GUINNESS:  Pfft.  I don't know these guys from Adam.(2)  Actually, after researching this, I've probably seen all these guys in some sort of 6 or 8-man matches through the years- and I do remember a Shawn Guinness singles match a little while ago.  This is your ultimate opening match because none of these guys are Wrestle-1 so this is just killing time until the Clash Of The -1s kicks in.  This is 8 minutes long but is 4 minutes of Daemon Ueda driving around and walking around looking at things.   Management must hate these guys.  This is way too clipped to get a grip of the story being told- but I do get the feeling that Guinness would fit in really well in ROH- as the majority is him selling assorted mid-grade offense from Ueda and then hitting semi-stiff strikes that would excite folks who aren't into Yuki Okabayashi or Shuji Ishikawa.  But yeah, you got two guys over 6 foot tall in your opening match?  You prolly should work on getting them up the card because you can't teach tall in Japan.  Or maybe they suck.  You can't really tell from this 2 minutes of wrestling action.  I don't know why they bothered because it has made me ask myself the same question.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1uizic_ryoji-sai-sean-guinness-vs-daemon-ueda-takuya-sugawara-zero1_sport

 

DAIKI INABA/ KAZ HAYASHI/ SEIKI YOSHIOKA vs IKUTO HIDAKA/ MINEO FUJITA/ YOSHIKAZU YOKOYAMA:   I have been a fan of Kaz Hayashi for almost 20 years now.  I got into Michinoku Pro in 1995 after seeing the Tokyo Dome 8 man on Tim Noel's late, lamented and throughly awesome WRESTLING POWER on the cable access back in the day.  I was first sucked by the totally fucking insane Tope Con Hilo by the Great Sasuke- but as I started getting tapes, I started to appreciate the Lucha Libre stylings of Shiryu.  I guess I've been a fan of Hidaka for 17 years?(3)  His tagteam with Minoru Fujita was pretty helpful in understanding the fun of junior heavyweight wrestling- as they were the Sleazy Indie Rock and Roll Express for a while there.  I do not want to know how those matches aged.  In my mind they are eternally awesome.  The other 4 I'm not so familiar with.(4) Kaz's team is Wrestle-1 and Hidaka is team ZERO-1- so lets see if anyone makes an impression yet.  It starts off promising as Yokoyama and his 80s Canadian hair trades shots to the head with Inaba.  Inaba is good if you let him kick folks a bunch.  Mineo does a few elaborate and fruity spots that involve Inaba sitting on the second rope for 90 seconds- as if Mineo uses Instant Hypnotism on Inaba and renders him (and the veiwer) immune to the rules of how things actually work- so basically he is taking the suspension of disbelief inherent in all wrestling and stretching it to the point of "if they belief the basic concept of this, they will believe anything at all!"  Which is the anti-thesis of Strong Style- and pro wrestling itself.  Pro wrestling is based on the wrestlers and the veiwer agreeing to a certain amount of guidelines.  Inside the ring, everything must have some sort of logic: 

 

USUAL INTERNAL DIALOGUE:

Your Logical Mind: Why is he climbing to the top rope?  That's stupid.

Wrestling Logical Mind: No.  People sometimes land flamboyantly awesome moves from the toprope.  It would not strain the boundaries of wrestling for a guy to attempt something as his opponent is prone on the mat.

Your Logical Mind: But if his opponent is lying on the mat prone, why doesn't he just pin him?

Wrestling Logical Mind: He really hates him and want to totally destroy him and.. actually, why don't you shut the fuck up and leave me alone.  You don't want to me to start asking you about all the stupid bullshit you buy into for some reason.

Your Logical Mind:  Jesus Christ, forget I said anything. 

 

INTERNAL DIALOGUE OF INABA SITTING IN THE ROPES FOR 90 SECONDS:

Your Logical Mind:  Why is he just sitting there while Mineo Hidaka is all the way on the other side of the ring getting the crowd to chant?

Wrestling Logical Mind: Maybe they don't think we'll notice?

Your Logical Mind:  Are wrestling fans that stupid or is it okay if you are getting people into the match or something?

Wrestling Logical Mind:  No.  It's actually retarded.  Fuck this match.

 

Kaz Hayashi tags in and Hidaka tags in,  Hidaka still has the 90s junior indie offense with slightly stiffer applications here and there.  Kaz is more New Japan Junior still and doesn't make for much I give a shit about anymore.  Yokoyama tags in and he is the most fun- being a poorman's Shuji Kondo, if that's how you want to go through life. He does a really nice powerslam on Yoshioka and crushes him real good with a pretty nasty looking Toprope Elbow Drop. He hits a Two Quarters Legit Death Valley Bomb for the win, so good for him and good for this match for not having seven minutes of nearfalls.  There you go.  

 

THE TALLY OF IMPRESSIONS:

Kaz Hayashi: Eh. 

Diaki Inaba: Kicks really hard.  But not hard enough to enter into the realm of Lunatic Crowbars That Dean Enjoys Because Dean Is Kind Of A Jerk,

Ikuto Hidaka: Tag team with Minoru Fujita again!

Yoshikazu Yokoyama:  Most interesting of the guys in this match because he did simple stuff without fruity embellishments and it all looked pretty good.

Mineo Fujita: Very annoyingly Dragon Gatey- but did help me create the Inner Dialogue schtickt that will now use forever for matches that are glazing me over.

Seiki Yoshioka: Is landed on a lot.  Maybe next match.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1uj7bc_ikuto-hidaka-yoshikazu-yokoyama-mineo-fujita-vs-kaz-hayashi-seiki-yoshioka-daiki-inaba-zero1_sport

 

 KOHEI SATO vs HIDEKI SUZUKI: I'm sure I've seen Hideki Suzuki before but it's been so long that I may be confusing him with assorted indie tiny highfliers from the late 90s, early 00's.(5)  Being that he is not tiny, I'll let it ride- since he just started 5 years ago and thus he is MYSTERIOUS to me.   At 6'3" and 6'4", these two not only tower over most Japanese wrestlers, they tower over most US wrestlers these days.  Which is strange.  So we got two hosses- one hoss that kill you to death with stiffness and another hoss who is mysterious to me- the question:  will the assbeating be monumental?   Sato is the assbeater of the year- THUS he wears really girly earrings.  Who would give him shit if he were a douchebag millenial- BUT since he is just a little younger then ME, he probably gets his fashion sense from old Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark videos, which would be awesome.(6)  They start with the comical ZERO-1 sub-1990s All Japan Bullshit Half-Assed Matwork and we await to see just how horrific this ass-beating will be.  Sato is really making with the Sid Eudy matwork- comical headlocks, a chinlock that would make you giggle.  Suzuki does the Fighting For The Cross-Armbreaker spot that kills a little time.  It's like a Godzilla movie and this is the part where they show the board room where they talk about what they are going to do for 25 minutes.  But the Godzilla monster parts of the recent Sato matches has been full-fucking-blown Kaiser Ghidorah transforming into King Ghidorah and destroying Tokyo.  The Kaiser head splits apart at 9:40 as Sato and Suzuki start fucking killing each other with forearms and kicks.  Sato dominates early and does the truly dickish knee to the bottom of the chin on a Suzuki who is on one knee.  Suzuki gets in some shots and does a lot of Fujiwara-cum-other-type Armbars but also works his way into my heart by standing on Sato head after he makes the ropebreak.  Sato sells the elbow as he kicked to the floor.  Sato rolls back in, favoring the elbow so Suzuki immediately stands on the joint and then pump handles it.  This is deep psychology because Sato uses that elbow to smash people's faces.  Suzuki is pretty awesome in this section, busting up the arm and smacking Sato in the face like a little bitch, calling him a pussy.  Sato knees him in the stomach and starts his non-elbow leg (PSYCHOLOGY!) to kick the fuck out of Suzuki's lungs and hit an early Falcon Arrow(7)  and move straight to an attempt at his Memphis Piledriver.  But Suzuki fights out and hits a beautiful dropkick to go back on offence.  He does a Diamond Cutter and then kneedrop across the neck- Welcome To The Pro Style!   They battle for the Butterfly Suplex- which is odd but perfectly fine-  that Sato wins but then loses big to Suzuki very nice EXPLOIDAH Suplex.  The Cobra Twist! The Octapus Hold! I believe they are the same hold!  It's a good hold for this because it hinges on the Sato bad elbow  (MORE WITH THE PSYCHOLOGY!).  Sato counters out with a- YES!- fucking nasty Northern Lights Bomb!(8)  Suzuki counters with a comical backbreaker but hits a far hurtier Dragon Suplex With A Bridge.  Sato kicks out of the pinning attempt and answers with a kick to the face and FUCKING AWWESOME Piledriver- crushing Suzuki's head like a large round twelve pound bug.  And then the Everest German Suplex!  For the win?  That was quick.  This was good but not awe-inspiring as the last five matches I've seen with Kohei Sato.  Suzuki was good but he could have brung more of the hate.  He started off well at making this a more heated affair but played it too subtle.   But, yeah not bad and this match is worth watching.  Postmatch, KAI comes and mumbles things to Sato.  Sato says things in Japanese to KAI.  KAI does a head fake and Super Kicks Sato- thus setting up KAI getting stomped to death by Sato soon.  Fun!

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1ujg9w_kohei-sato-c-vs-hideki-suzuki-zero1_sport

 

TO BE CONTINUED!

  

-------------------------------

ENDNOTES

1.   I've watched so much Kohei Sato that I no longer have to keep looking at the video title to spell "Kohei" correctly.(9)  While we are in the endnotes, http://cagematch.de sez Kohei Sato is 36 years old, is- WOW!- 6'4"?!?! , and 264 pounds?  I didn't realize how TOWERING he was.  He also uses Judo. 

2.  http://cagematch.de sez Daemon Ueda is 31 years old, 6'0", and 231 pounds.  He's a big fella.  He knows ku rah tay.  Takuya Sugawara is 30 years old, 5'10" and 198 pounds.  He was trained by Ultimo Dragon.   Ryouji Sai is 33 years old, 6'3" and 231 pounds.  Another big fella!  He also uses the Ku Rah Tay.  Shaun Guinness is 27 years old, 5'10", 178 pounds.  I'm guessing the guy who trained him- Fergal Devitt- is Prince Devitt, but I feel like researching this match no more forever. 

3. Cagematch says 1997.  Oops, that's Mineo- not Minoru- Fujita.  RESEARCH~!

4. http://cagematch.de sez Daiki Inaba has been wrestling one year and was trained by Rene Dupree's dad.  That's kind of awesome.  He is 26, 5'8" and 180 pounds.  Seiki Yoshioka is 26, 5'7" and 169 pounds.  he was trained by frickin' Hanzo Nakajima.  Talk about your obscure original Michinoku Pro guys.  Mineo Fujita is 34, 5'10" and 176 pounds.  He was trained by Animal Hamaguchi.  He draws from his experience in Ju-Jitsu and Volleyball to vanquish his opponents.  Yoshikuzo Yokoyama is 26, 5' 10" and weighs 216 pounds.   his hair seems the most interesting aspect of his biography.  And it's not really that interesting.  

5.  http://cagematch.de sez Hideki Suzuki is 34 years old, 6'3", 242 pounds.  WHOA! He was trained by Billy Robinson.

6. http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1kttx_omd-enola-gay_music  Oh, what a great fucking song.(11)

7. #16 of the New Era.  

8. #1 of the New Era.

9. I swear to God that I thought I was going to fucking kill somebody if I had to check the video title to keep spelling "Sugiura".  I mean, I've been spelling his name for 15 years now.(10)  I think that's how much I did not give a crap about Sugiura generally.  

10. According to http://cagematch.de , WHAT?  Sugiura is FORTY-THREE YEARS OLD?  He's old enough to remember the first Flock Of Seagulls record! he's old enough to remember the first time "Rock And Roll Crazy Nights" by Loudness was ever played on the radio in Nagoya.  And he has been wrestling 13 years.  I wonder what he did before the grappling bug got him.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Takashi_Sugiura says he was a self defense instructor before Tamon Honda recruited him.  Oh.  He's not actually IN this match.  

11. I obviously mixed up Kohei Sato's age with Sugiura's age.  I have no fucking recollection of what anybody was sporting ear-wise in 1996 so we're just going to go with the boss OMD song.   

 

TOMORROW: Is Saturday!