WOW WORKRATE #4 – 10/29/00
(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)
I fell asleep again, so a-taping I did go. I’m going to use the patented RASMUSSEN WOW MUNCHKIN-PUNCHER RANKING SYSTEM. It is based on the amount of stalking a certain match will create- so the greater the distance of the restraining order, the higher the quality of the match (which will also include things that make WOW matches work or not work in a WOW -specific way.)
PATTI PEP vs POISON: David McLane and Lana Star yammer in ring. The horror of what she did to Randy Rah-RaH… THE HORROR OF WHAT SHE DID TO PATTI PEP… the hideous horror of wearing a pink cowboy hat. Poison comes out and Patti Pep comes out and the very idea of the ASTOUNDINGLY hot Poison giving the spunky cheerleader the punishment and discipline that she NEEDS- to learn her limits- to build character- character that is ESSENTIAL as she enters the world past cheerleader; it’s enough for most viewers to toast one early and call it a night. I- your beloved reveiwer- am not in it for the cheap tawdry thrills. I am in it for the WRESTLING. THE WORKRATE. So I HAVE to watch the alluring and stunningly slutty Poison beat the cute and perky cheerleader in tangly, wrestly writhing ways. It’s my DUTY! TO YOU! Patti does a corner cheer for Randi Rah-Rah and I weep for Randi and bad hand she has been dealt by fate and that bitch Lana Starrr. Patti Pep is all nifty. Poison gets this wild look in her eyes when she grabs Patti’s hair- a look that I saw once in BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE ULTRAVIXENS by Russ Meyer. Patti does the Van Pepinator Body Splash and then does the facials of pain that are making her THE GREATEST CHEERLEADER WRESTLER EVER. MY PANTS ARE TAPPING OUT! YES! Patti wins with a Schoolboy after Lana’s interference goes awry. Lana turns on Poison and the collision of THOSE two female archtypes may overload the Midnight Choker Circuits of the collective youth of America. I’m guessing on 57.8 buyrate on the PPV if it’s a three way. RWOWMP RESTRAINING ORDER: 400 feet.
RIOT vs LA CALIENTE: Riot is lovely as they show her ode to Wendy O Williams MONTAGE. La Caliente is quite striking, but she loses so totally to the slutastic greatness of Riot in this. Nuances of the beloved Riot: she has a little tattoo on the left side. (commercial interruption to sell me fabulous Southern Rock AGAIN! The offer to pay 69 cents a minute to talk to 40 year old fat women while thinking about the boob-filled women in the 1-900 commercial is still on.) They show lotsa close-ups of Caliente’s camel toe- as WOW always knows where it’s bread is buttered in this UHF world of syndie-lowgrade jacking feul. Riot does the Shinzaki-level slow-developing powerbomb. 300 FEET.
Jacquelyn Hyde is now the greatest gimmick since Lazertron.
BOOM BOOM vs JACQUELYN HYDE: They start with the weekly installment of “Jesus, David McLane Is A Creepy Little Bastard” as Hyde gives him a Jack-o-latern and McLane goes on and on with bloated freak Lee Marshall about how it is such a beautiful gift. Clean break AND THEN SHE GOES CRAZY! My Sangre BOOM BOOM has a hard head like all we Polynesian’s have. She also hits a nice dropkick. Hyde goes CRAZY AGAIN! Ref bump leads to Hyde going over and reenacting the Snuka/Piper Pineapple deal. Hyde holds the pumpkin up to her ear and the pumkin says, “Sacrifice me so you can win. I’m all carved up and off the vine anyway. I am not long for this world. You win and thus I- your pumpkin- will ALSO win.” Similarly, I have a summer squash that commands me to masturbate. BUT I KID SUMMER SQUASH AND THE LEGITIMATELY MENTALLY ILL! 100 FEET for the match. 600 FEET for the Hyde Gimmick when the lesbianic overtones of her post match ritual kick in. AWWWW HELL YEAH!
ICE COLD looks like Nise Angie Dickenson and we suddenly see that McLane wants to JACK IT Old School by creating his own POLICE WOMAN. THUS the inexplicable ICE COLD push. (EnergX commercial: INCREASE SEXUAL ENERGY! NO MORE LOSING WOMEN BECAUSE OF YOUR COMICAL SEXUAL INEPTITUDE COUPLED WITH WITH YOUR SWEATY CREEPINESS! NO LONGER NEED TO WATCH WOW! Not smart business, WOW ad sales manager.)
STEELE vs ICE COLD: Angie Dickenson had a body double in DRESSED TO KILL. Ice Cold should look into a wrestling double. STEELE is a redhead and another, different mechanic- as McLane has REAL power issues with his mechanic and feels the need to dress two of his workers up as his mechanic and job them out to come to grips with the fact that he always gets reamed when getting his new alternator put in.
MCLANE: Oh it can’t be that bad! $400!?!?!?
HIS MECHANIC: Look, Funny boy, you got metal on metal. You’re driving a goddam DEATH TRAP!
I live in fear. 14 FEET.
DANGER vs WENDY WHEELS: Another Mechanic! Danger has punches that suck almost as much as Perry Saturns. But Perry never made a pair of tight black pants sing like THAT, boy-o! WOO-HOO! This match actually starts to rule it as they do all these roll-ups and reversals and nearfalls. DANGER is INSANE and gets DQed and then takes the first real bump of the night- as Wendy dropkicks her over the toprope. She gets McLane in position for the Uranage and McLane has an audible mixed Apartment Wrestling erection. The ref that took the great bump last week is the one that ends up going through a table though. Some nice parts but too short. 600 feet.
DISCIPLINARIAN vs TERRI GOLD: For the strap! Disciplinarian is kinda like what Dean Douglas wanted to be. But with a halter top and better, less-tedious mic skills. This match is really cool as they both are athletical and low-grade lucha and neato. Gold hits the Hand Spring Elbow and it has looked worse. Disciplinarian hits an actual Lariat and then blows the backdrop. Van Goldinator..uh…. ARM DRAG to set up the Cross Body Block and we have the end of a perfectly fine wrestling match. Disciplinarian is a keeper. Gold shows again that she brings enough “offense” to be carryable. 900 FEET.
The last match was really good as highspotless, too short WOW matches go. The Danger/Wendy Wheels match was a good effort but too short to be substantial. The rest was good for evil, filthy reasons.
THERE YOU HAVE IT.