DEATH VALLEY DRIVERETTE 03012016! YUKI OKABAYASHI~! SHIORI ASAHI~!

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WELCOME TO YOUR DEATH VALLEY DRIVERETTE~! for 02252016!

 

DDT DNA 13- 1/8/2016

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GUANCHULO/ SHUNMA KATSUMATA vs YASO URANO/ SHIORI ASAHI: Guanchulo is Chilean so I see that just about everybody we were digging in those stiff as fudge matches from Chile a few years ago have all developed actual careers in Japan.  I might start crying as my chest fills with pride.  We also used drive to Carolina to see all the OMEGA guys before they all became big stars.  But yeah, Guanchulo has already wrestled 12 times this year according to the cagematch.net so lets hear it for scanning the globe for wrestlers to develop.  Yasu Urano I've already blathered on about in a recent review.  He wears a Yes t-shirt in solidarity with the Prog Rock nerds who get beaten up by the popular kids in high school; he should go the extra mile and wear a Tarkus t-shirt.  Shiori Asahi is the guy who had the Memphis styled match with Yuji Hino that I reviewed, if you follow these things, and why wouldn't you?  I'm fucking fascinating.  So once again, he is 38 years old. Shunma Katsumata I've seen before but I didn't really pay enough attention to remember if I hated him or was just wasn't paying enough attention to figure out if I liked him.  He was trained by HIS OPPONENT!  Urano is the Jaguar Yokota of DDT!  Urano picks his nose when his former student and Chilean offer their hands in sportsmanship. Guanchula pulls his hand back makes a SHOOT~! facial expression of "What the fuck is your problem?".  He spends a little time looking confused, like he ordered something off a menu he didn't speak the language of.  SO the Chilean and the rookie are all spunky and the veterans are all sullen and broken, the way it should be.  Asahi and Guanchulo do some perfectly fine chain wrestling early and tag out to let STUDENT wrestle MASTER!  They do a lot of stuff really fast and Urano doesn't do the usual "I taught you everything you know but not everything I know" schtickt and just kinda wrestles like he is just another wrestler- as if the general public doesn't know their SECRET RELATIONSHIP!  Guanchulo and Shunma do lots of spunky dropkick based tagteam moves and they are a fun NWA US Tag title contender.  Asahi tags in and a double team move goes wrong and Urano lariats him accidentally and Asahi does the great thing he did in the Yuji Hino match- wrestle like he REALLY hates wrestling but can't stop taking bookings for some secret horrifying reason.  I really dig it.  He did it with ass-stomper Hino but is now doing it with mere rookies.  "Okay, your gimmick is that you are stuck in a dead-end job and that job is Indie undercard wrestler." They should do a match countdown where he has to win enough matches to pay his tuition for his on-line Phoenix University air conditioner repair certification.  And thus he escapes this horrible business that has trapped him for 13 years.  One must love when the art of pro wrestling sloshes into its viewers horrendous reality.  Guanchulo chinlocks Asahi so Asahi can truly project his hatred for the pain inserted into his neck and inserted into his soul.  Shunma tags in and dropkicks Asahi and he sells it like, "FUCK! This again!"  And then another soul-devouring chinlock right before the two youngsters, brimming with life and energy- runs at him whimsically on piggy back and bash into him in the corner.  Asahi makes the greatest face, as if he is saying "WHAT FUCKING LEVEL OF HELL AM I IN?"  Asahi is a truly our existential role model and you pray for him and his hatred of his life and all the people in it. They suplex him while on piggy back and Asahi kicks out because FUCK IT!  WHAT ELSE IS HE GOING TO FUCKING DO?  THIS IS ALL HE HAS.  NO JOY.  NO HAPPINESS.  JUST THIS FUCKING WRESTLING MATCH. Guanchulo runs around him like he is one of those soccer playing airplane guys, all the while the despair on Asahi's face is like a fucking Bergman trilogy about God's hatred of man.  It's like Asahi could just get up and get in his car and drive away but where would he go?  He is wrestler.  He hates wrestling.  A manchild runs around him pretending to be an airplane while he is spiraling into the ground.  Asahi throws forearms to the stomach but also forearms to the hope, forearms to the joy, forearms to the youth.  Fuck these assholes, if he can't have it, nobody will- WELCOME TO THE FUCKING WALL THAT IS LIFE! He does his Cobra strike and almost makes the tag- a tag to allow Urano to destroy this hell that his owner partner has created to torment Asahi here at his lowest moment.  But the Chilean punk grabs Asahi's leg and denies him whatever dignity he has left.  Asahi remembers a move from when he was younger, where he would push his opponent into the air with his legs and kick him in the face on the way down.  So he makes the tag. Finally, relief from the horror of this hell he has created from his life of one wrong decision after another.  But of course, the referee didn't see the tag so God, youth and the state are out to crush him.  And they are succeeding.  Shunma runs in as Urano squabbles with the ref and they double team the husk of a man that is Asahi.  Asahi does a standing switch and escapes a lariat and tags Urano as he watches the ref watch the tag.  Urano slaughterizes the youth and Atomic Drops Guanchulo and is about to go for the pin- but instead decides that Asahi got off too easy by just getting the shit kicked out himself by boys half his age.  So he tags Asahi's shoulder as he is looking away sitting on the apron in absolute existential terror.  Asahi makes the awesome face, a face that says, "What the FUCK?  Even YOU are against me?"  He goes in and is completely confused.  Guanchulo takes advantage and dropkicks him and they Toprope Diamond Cut Asahi and Urano blows the finish and then it completely falls apart.  Like this match was destined to.  Urano crushes Asahi's balls pretending to hold the ropes for him.  Asahi charges at his erstwhile partner and flails unsuccessfully and we leave him at his absolute lowest ebb. BILLION JILLION STARS.         

SHUJI ISHIKAWA/ ZEUS vs KAZUSADA HIGUCHI/ SUGURU MIYATAKE: Coming up

KOTA UMEDA vs KONOSUKE TAKESHITA: Coming up

 

BIG JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- 2/18/2016

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YUJI OKABAYASHI/ ATSUSHI MARUYAMA vs DAICHI HASHIMOTO/ SHINOBU: Man, say what you will about Atsushi Maruyama (You say,"Who?") but if one looks at his cagematch.net profile, one will note that he averages about 150 matches a year.  One must also take into account that he seems to frequent the periphery of Japanese indies so there are probably ten or twenty matches that are at county fairs or used car dealership parking lots- as I notice that sometimes HASEGAWA will wrestle in some just horrendously horrible FMW match that doesn't show up on the cagematch FMW results page.  He also doesn't wear a mask anymore and they just have pictures of him be-masked. I didn't realize has been full-time Big Japan for the last two years but I'm not psychotic completist as I was in my youth,  also he does 50 Michinoku Pro shows a year.  He's already wrestled 25 this year.  He is the James Brown of Japanese wrestling, if James Brown wasn't the godfather of soul but was an obscure kinda bland Japanese pro wrestler.  Shinobu I dig.  He is feisty and will take a beating and is a perfectly fine high flyer when need be.  He averages 50 matches a year so he is a pussy- match-per-year-wise compared to the road warrior that is Maruyama.  Okabayashi and Hashimoto will kick your teeth out for MY pleasure.  And I find it pleasing.  Maruyama and Shinobu start off with your headlocks and head scissors so we see the lighting and we wait on the thunder.  Shinobu tags out and Daichi and Maruyama do the same thing but a little more shoot stylish since now we have ZERO-1 in the mix. Maruyama tags out and Okabayashi tries to bring the thunder but Daichi jumps out of the way, like I would. Daichi Hashimoto is getting more towards his dads's level of girthiness every time I see him, but as for now, he shouldn't be trying to get into a Greco-Roman knucklelock with Yuji Okabayashi, but it a lot less preposterous now than it would have a year ago at this time.  They trade chops for kicks and Hash catches him right on the chin and it looks legit as Okabayashi goes down and doesn't get back up for a minute.  Maruyama tags in while they apply the smelling salts to Okabayashi. Shinobu tags in and decides to fill the stiffness void by bringing the ass beat to Maruyama- who will take an assbeating like a champ.  He spin-kicks Shinobu and chinlocks Shinobu until Yuji can remember his middle name.  "It's.....BILLY!" and he charges in and fucking destroys Shinobu and settles it all down with a Boston Crab.  Shinobu hits the ropes and hits a brainbuster and tags out to Hash who opts to keep kicking Okabayashi in the face, including a truly dickish spin kick to the face- to the point that Maruyama just comes into the ring to kick Hash to keep him off the befuddled Okabayashi.  Shinobu clears the ring and hits an Asai moonsault on both.  Yuji gets back in the ring and Hash fucking crushes his skull with a running knee to the face and a missile dropkick.  At this point I'm assuming that Okabayashi is out of it but since he is a Japanese pro wrestler so he acts like nothing is wrong.  Maruyama tags in and takes a lot of kicks to the chest and the crowd is excited for his struggle to make the tag.  Yuji is still out of it so he hits more dangerous that usual power moves- including a totally unprotected power slam/brainbuster/something.  Concussions bring out his inner moondog.  Shinobu hits his own missile dropkick but Yuji powerslams to transition and Argentinianly breaks Shinobu's back until Hash makes the save.  Okabayashi just fucking slaughters Shinobu with a lariat but unfortunately for Shinobu, Shinobu's gimmick is that you slaughter him ten times over and he doesn't give up, so we have another minute for him to fight out of a powerbomb via cross-armbreaker (using the aforementioned Yamazaki Shootstyle Counters Pro Style rule)that Okabayashi powers into another powerbomb THAT HE TURNS INTO ANOTHER CROSS-ARMBREAKER!  FOR THE WIN!  Weird.  Okay, so Okabayashi was selling the knockout to make putting over Shinobu make sense? Possibly?  Or was he legit knocked out?  Or both?  Mysterious.                

http://rutube.ru/video/0949b715ec1d4e6fe99603cbaceec914

KOHEI SATO/ SHUJI ISHIKAWA vs HIDEYOSHI KAMITANI/ RYOTA HAMA: 

HIDEKI SUZUKI/ YOSHIHISA UTO vs DAISUKE SEKIMOTO/ SEIYA SANADA:

 

Tomorrow:  Stuff!