DEATH VALLEY DRIVERETTE 02232016! MINORU SUZUKI~! KATSUHIKO NAKAJIMA~!

DEAN · February 23, 2016

WELCOME TO YOUR DEATH VALLEY DRIVERETTE~! for 02232016!

I was going to conveniently forget to review the main event of the Pro Wrestling Heat Up card I have been writing about for four days, but I manned up and stopped being a fucking pussy. FUCK IT! EVERYTHING REVIEWED IN ORDER! GRRR!

PRO WRESTLING HEAT UP- 1/7/2016

[RASMUSSEN]

KAZUHIRO TAMURA vs KENICHIRO ARAI: The main event! Looking at his cagematch.net carrer page, one notes that Kenichiro Arai averages 70ish matches a year the last couple of years, but he's already wrestled 13 times this year- THUS this match is a part of the Kenichiro Arai career resurgence. I always liked him, as he was the no nonsense counter to a lot of the annoying nonsense that is Dragon Gate, back when I used to watch a lot of Dragon Gate. Meanwhile, Kazuhiro Tamura is the (SPOILER!) OWNER of Pro Wrestling Heat-Up. Looking at his career, I see that he started in STYLE-E and that he started in STYLE-E in 2004. How fucking long has STYLE-E been around, and if so, why did I not know about it until like 5 months ago? Ah, STYLE-E became inactive 2012. Pro Wrestling Heat-Up started in 2013. I am just guessing that Tamura owned STYLE-E- especially when one notices that the final main event for STYLE-E in 2012 was this very pairing. Anyway, Tamura was trained by Minoru Tanaka and Tanaka's lovely wife Yumi Fukawa- with an assist from Takao Omori. He is also teeny- 5'3" and 154 pounds. Can he wrestle? Let's see. Arai comes to ringside with the Murderer's Row of Japanese Indie shmoes whose matches I just reviewed but I no longer recognize. I think that one is ISHIDA. Probably. Arai is 5'9" so he towers over Tamura by a full head. Tamura is also stumpy and is even more stumpier after Arai hits a fucking BEAUTIFUL SURPRISE JUMPING PILEDRIVER before the bell rings. Arai posts him and Tamura leans into it like a champ. At ringside, that sleazy looking guy from the first or second match punches Tamura in the head while the guy that I first thought looked like the replacement bass-player for Church of Misery threatens to hit him in the head with a briefcase. (See prior reviews of this card. I DARE YOU!) Anyhoos, they throw wee Tamura into the ring and Arai does some low-grade stomping and also a clunky swinging neckbreaker so this isn't really rocketing up my match of the year list. Or even Match Of This Card list. Tamura catches Arai as Arai comes off the ropes and kicks him in the chest, so he does have nice kicks when he isn't being stomped on or CRAVATED~! by Arai. The CRAVATE~! here is pretty fucking magnificent and makes up for the pretty shitty offense by Arai past the piledriver. Then Arai procures the abdominal stretch and you THEN REALIZE that THIS is gonna go LONG. Indie long. They trade chops and kicks and Tamura has a perfectly fine offense and will lean into an assbeating so I'm guessing he started his own federation to never have to wrestling on a Big Japan undercard or end up in Wrestle-1 in a Hama squash. Because he would be perfect for both of those things. Meanwhile, this really heats up as they start kicking each other in the face; Tamura hits a nice lariat. They do this thing were Tamura teases a tope but Arai grabs Wee Moondog Girl and hold her in front of himself. Tamura is a GENTLEMAN and doesn't tope through her to get to our Heat Up champion. The second time Arai uses her as a hostage, Wee Moondog Girl remembers that she is psychotically violent and starts beating on Arai, thus allowing Arai to be as crushed as much as a teeny tiny Tamura can crush someone with a tope suicida. They take it back to the ring and Tamura missile dropkicks in and then does a really nice series of arm submissions until Arai hits the ropes. Tamura kicks Arai really hard to the arm and now we have a story! The story: working on the arm to set-up an arm submission! The EVIL random punks from the undercard that are in Arai's Most Price Effective Stable climb the three turnbuckles where Arai isn't and Tamura is looking at all three with trepidation. Arai does the awesome thing of pushing the ref into Tamura's back, thus a surprised Tamura spin kicks the ref and allows the undercard to rush Tamura and beat a shit out of him. One would assume that Tamura told them that they were being paid in leftover chili dogs AFTER the match. They quadruple team Tamura and I remember that the guy with the mohawk is PSYCHO! Nasu and Iwamoto run in to make a save and I reviewed their match last night so I haven't forgotten them yet. Unless I have. The ref is back and they get back to a wrestling match, as they fight at the top turnbuckle which is actually pretty great- in that Tamura lays in his stumpy forearms until Arai RETURNS TO THE CRAVATE~! to control Tamura and land the fabulous Toprope Brainbuster With A Roll-up For Two. Tamura fights out of Arai finishing piledriver and finagles it into a Gorey Driver and they are all stumbly and broken. Tamura kicks Arai in the head as Arai tries to sit up and maybe I love this match. Arai crawls over and escapes to the floor where Tamura comes out to get him, THUS Arai gets to the ring first and gets in a bunch of roll-ups and thus does feel like a main event even if it is Pro Wrestling Heat Up. Tamura then does flamboyantly spinning DDT-like Fujiwara Armbar and then hits fucking NASTY toprope kneedrop to Arai's shoulder. Tamura spins like an alligator into a cross arm breaker and we have NEW TINY OWNER/CHAMPION! I can tell you that you should watch this and tell how pretty good this was but I really can't imagine anyone else watching it. But you should. Tamura is a not afraid to get beaten into your heart. Plus you could fit like 15 of him into a mini-van! You can't do that with Vince McMahon or Dixie Carter! HEAT UP! YES! HEAT UP!

~!~

Every time I see you

Oh, I wish I couldSINGLES GOING STEADYbelieve you

Do you ever mean a thing you say?

~!~

TAKASHI SUGIURA/ MINORU SUZUKI vs NAOMICHI MARUFUJI/ KATSUHIKO NAKAJIMA- PRO WRESTLING NOAH- 2/11/2016-[RASMUSSEN]: I recognize all four of these guys. This should be preposterously violent. Pre-match, Minoru Suzuki says something that launches into the Suzuki and Nakajima just kicking the fuck out of each other before Nakajima can even get his shirt off. Marufuji tags in and lays it in as best he can until Suzuki crushes his head with his own head. Sugiura tags in and he really beats the shit out of Marufuji with chops and stomps and THEN the chinlock, as I assume they didn't want to collapse in a heap after two minutes. MAN, Marufuji is the most beaten Ricky Morton in the history of the concept of the babyface taking a beating to get heat for the babyface comeback. If Marufuji gets any more heat beaten onto him, he will just burst into flames. He fires back with all the spunk and fire you would want, but MAN, they really cut him off when they cut him off. He finally lands a dropkick and Nakajima tags in and he and Suzuki just fucking maul each other until Suzuki procures the Tarantula and then it spills to the floor. Sugiura fucking kills Marufuji by the ring while Suzuki pummels Nakajima in the stands. They take it back to the ring and Nakajima starts taking a pretty hellish ass-beating. I dunno. I love this kind of match, but considering the circumstances and violence of the title change that precedes this match, an American watching this would assume that there would be the equivalent to a Tupelo concession stand brawl the first time that Marufuji would get a chance to get his hands on Suzuki and Sugiura. Here, they are just continuing the receiving of the assbeating they received the week before. Sugiura does the odd bleeding from his chest thing and he and Suzuki just fuckin MAUL Nakajima. This is like Vader and Vader against Brady Boone and Brady Boone. Suzuki stands on the back of Nakajima's neck and then picks him up and crushes his face with his knee. FOR TWO! Jesus. Sugiura tags in does a completely uncontested toprope brainbuster and goes straight into a Boston Crab that takes Marufuji ten forearms to break when he makes the save. Sugiura smashes Nakajima's skull with a kick and it is really making me wonder if they are doing a wrestling adaption of the Chicago Bears story and the part of the 1985 New England Patriots is being played by Nakajima and Maarufuji. Luckily, Nakajima fires back and there is hope that they are doing a wrestling adaption of the Comeback with Suzuki and Sugiura assuming the role of the 1993 Houston Oilers. Nakajima channels Frank Reich and fucking lays it in on Sugiura, first with chops and then kicks to the lungs. Nakajima goes for the lariat but Sugiura catches him with a kick when he comes off the ropes. Nakajima fights back and brainbusts Sugiura to nearly make the tag. Sugiura tries to cut him off but Nakajima Dragonscrews to make the tag! And Marufuji! Is the shittiest house-a-fire. Katie need not bar the door. Marufuji does a Stinger splash and Sugiura responds by just fucking knocking Marufuji's head clean off his neck. MArufuji then does better trading chops for forearms with Sugiura but then succumbs to Sugiura's spear and then takes assorted kicks and running knees to the face. Marufuji hits a couple of superkicks and it really looks like Marufuji and Nakajima brought a strongly worded letter to a knife fight. Nakajima tags in and tries to catch up somehow with the mountain of assbeat that has applied to him and his partner. With a missile dropkick. Yeesh. Sugiura counters by punching him in the face. Nakajima backdrop drives and but Suzuki makes the save. Suzuki comes in the starts kicking the FUDGE out of Nakajima. Nakajima tries fire back but Suzuki catches him for the Piledriver but Marufuji makes the save and planchas out of the proceedings as Nakajima tries to kick Suzuki into submission. Suzuki bumps the ref by dragging him into the way of a charging Nakajima! Shelton Benjamin runs in and hits... that move he does on Marufuji who is trying to make the save from Sugiura crushing Nakajima with a chair. So Nakajima take a chairshot that looks 95% less hellish than Suzuki's forearms to the face. Either way, Suzuki piledrives Nakajima for the win and BILL WATTS IS BOOKING NOAH NOW, it appears. I await a Russian invasion and an NOAH Intercontinental Medallion. This match is as fucking violent as I thought it would be, but MAN, you REALLY don't want to start a blood feud with Marufuji as your babyface. I cannot imagine a shittier idea. This is point where if he was EVER going to conjure any sort of bad-assed-ness- which is ESSENTIAL for this, this would have been the place. Instead, they are punching bags with dropkicks. But you definitely want to see this if you enjoy stiffness and violence in your Pro Wrestling. Because yeah, they fucking lay it in.

http://rutube.ru/video/8344baabb1601740da8be10c85a55907

Tomorrow: In this order, what I get in.

LUDARK SHAITAN/ CASANDRA vs FELINA METALIKA/ HAHASTARY- PROMOCIONES HUMO ESTRELLAS FEMENILES- 7/26/2015- [RASMUSSEN]: