RUkered

To your last point, I never really thought about it until the night we got on that armored truck glitch. I bet we rode around collecting bags of money with three or four stars for 20 minutes. I miss that glitch.

Holy hell. I can't get a bunch of randoms to keep their shit together in a regular lobby. I agree with Robert.Does anyone know how you can tell if you're joining a heist finale or not? Twice last weekend I got an invitation to "The Pacific Standard Job" and when I joined, it was the very first setup mission. I know some of the invitations say setup, so I'm guessing the finale and the first setup just have the mission name in the invitation. Does that make sense? And so help me god if I land in that Convoy setup with randoms again I'll kill myself. Seems like every other time I join a random heist, it's that one. If you're not familiar, you have to park on a bridge and hijack a Merryweather convoy. Someone ALWAYS either charges in and dies or blows up the truck. My blood pressure was probably through the roof. That mission sucks even when you're playing it with good people. It could drive Sarah McLachlan to kill a shelter puppy.

If too many of y'all start humping my ass, I'm calling Liam Neeson.

Are you getting these from Reddit? If there's a sub of these, then my night is booked.

I'm a dirty whore. To follow up on my adventures with that dude, I decided to play along and tell him that I was a girl. Why the hell not? Let's see where this goes. Worst mistake ever. First, he walks into the back room of the store. I follow him to see what he's doing, and he starts humping my ass again. Sends a message that says "you really like this." I decide to take off while he's drafting more poetry to send. He eventually catches up and starts blowing the horn. I got in and he drives in an alley and sits there, like I'm a standard GTA hooker. He sends another message that says something about going on a date. I can't take it anymore, so I blow us all up, including his Zentorno, and change sessions. Then he starts messaging me over Xbox, asking why I did that and why we can't be friends. I finally had to block him. The next time that happens, I'm going to hop on chat and give them the old Melraz Cat House voice.

As it turns out, this one wasn't too awfully terrible once I got into it. Everybody started with forced crowbars, but to get to the guns, you had to walk along this narrow sign and make these hard jumps. Everybody had an opportunity to get to them. Mis - that looks like a normal drive to a mission with Melraz. I'm in a room right now with a guy named BETER TH4N U. Guess where I'm headed. I was getting some snacks to gear up for a mission when this happened. I then get messages asking "u like that" and "are u a girl". I'm taking this asshole out to sea in a chopper if I can pull it off.

I'm joining one of those 1000000 RP deathmatches right now. I know it's a trap, but I have to see one of these shit shows for myself. Edit - well that was a stupid decision

Stout - I actually did have a Gatorade just now along with some Goody's powder. That's the Melraz hangover special. Me and Danny Glover are getting too old for this shit. I don't know if I mentioned it last night, but I was on earlier and met my fucking maker. We were up in the marsh or whatever - out where Mis made that sniping deathmatch. This kid kept wearing me out and then killing himself so he'd respawn somewhere else. That was pissing me off, but I guess it's a good tactic. He's up something like 14-1, and then I get a chat invite. I never do it, but I think fuck it why not. I'm like hey what's up, ready for him to talk a bunch of shit. He didn't, but sure enough, he was about 12. He was just calmly chatting me up while he kept whipping my ass. We did a one-on-one toward the end, and finished up our "battle" with him up 23-2. The kid asks - would you like to be friends or keep battling? I said, uhhh considering you've blistered my ass, let's be friends. He then took me around the map showing me good sniping spots and how his crew defends them. Nice enough kid, but damn if that wasn't some humbling shit. I asked him how long he's been playing this game. He thinks for a few seconds and says "Around four months." I immediately shut the damn Xbox off and reevaluated my life for a while.

I screwed up and didn't make it to the boat twice if I remember right. I have no idea what happened to me last night. I guess my connection dropped or something. All I know is I woke up in bed with a head that feels like it weighs 97 pounds. Too much Gatorade I reckon.

Yeah, you've definitely been a bad influence. Not just in GTA either. I took the dogs out a few nights ago when I realized I needed to go myself. If I start listening to John Prine and telling people how my farts smell, I'm blaming you. I'd like to use the rest of the month's likes on this, please. I've had a pretty interesting day in Los Santos. Decided to get on and fart around a little bit. One of my daily objectives was a Last Team Standing, so I hit quick job on my phone and hoped something would load. Turned out to be Snipers vs. Stunters. I think one of you mentioned that one before, but it was my first time doing it. We definitely need to do that when we're all on next time - it was some of the most fun I've had solo. On the second round, I was a sniper - 2 on 2. My partner gets killed, and they end up knocking me off the platform. I survived the fall and them clipping me a couple times, trying to run me over. I hop a wall, and they both come at me with crowbars. I killed one, and me and the last guy had a back-and-forth until he got me. It was some Benny Hill shit - cracked me up. Went back to freemode and noticed one guy was killing a ton of people. I went down to check him out and I'm still not sure if he was glitching or not. I never saw him do it on the screen, but on the mini-map, he was zipping around all over the place. His gun sounded like it had a much faster fire rate too. He whipped my ass three times in a row, but the tables turned a little and I managed to start killing him. Finished with me down 5-3, but the last two of my kills were in a row, and his bitch ass went to passive and then left. I'll call it a victory. I then went to finish my last objective - kill someone while off the radar. Simple enough - that's basically like breathing for all of us. There were only four people in the room at that point, so I picked out the one in the east side pay and spray. Got in cover outside the door, threw two proximity mines on the ramp out of there, then queued up my off-the-radar call with Lester and waited with my auto shotgun. When the guy came out, I hit A to go off the radar and shot the guy. I got a case of the limbertail and drove into the LA river to hide and check the guy's level. He was a level 5. I felt that rare twitch of guilt and messaged him saying: "Sorry - it was for an objective. Need any help?" He never responded, but over the course of the next several minutes, I see these messages twice: "RUkered has killed NWA X GTA" and "The personal vehicle you have destroyed...". Those two proximity mines I threw out as insurance in case the other guy got away from me whipped his ass twice (and cost me a lot of money). I'm definitely headed to juvie. I think this will be my new tactic if I know I'm going to be in freemode a while: immediately head to the most popular pay and sprays and throw out proximity mines at each entrance. There's not much in the game more satisfying than seeing that you've killed someone while you're halfway across the map doing something else. It's like the GTA equivalent of stocks - "My money works for me." I went into passive to make a sandwich and came back to NWA X GTA trying to ramp off some steps in a cop car to hop a wall and take me out. I just sat and watched the show while I ate. He never got me. Edit - Mis, that shit is hilarious. Edit 2 - If I'm lying, I'm dying - went to a new room and threw proximity mines at each entrance of the central pay and spray. Killed two within a couple seconds of each other. Last edit and I swear I'll shut up - Apparently the proximity mines glitched or something. I have gotten five kill messages and two bad sport messages while I've been somewhere else chasing a dot down. I don't know what's going on.

Yeah, I got to be the hammer for the most part last night. It's all thanks to being able to move with that sniper rifle. One dude killed me, so I focused on him. Got him a couple times, and then he teamed up with another dot, and they chased me all over the map. Every time I thought they had moved on, they'd show back up in their little blue armored car again, which I blew up what must have been at least 8 times - not counting the other shit I blew up. (Save me a cell Stout) They weren't low level, so they just had to be stupid. They never went off the radar or did any of the usual tricks. Just speed toward me, eat a rocket, get sniped, eat more rockets, etc. As Ice Cube says, it was a good day.

I don't know if this makes you feel better or worse as far as feeling old, but this was the first major news story I have a memory of. I'm hopping on right now to either split some heads or get my ass whipped for a while, if anyone wants to join.

Damn Stout - how are you that cursed? I know Robert's been in once, but Mel and I should have been a time or two ourselves. At this point, I have to believe it's just random and the good behavior reward means nothing. If you're up for a bikini-clad, tattooed conjugal visit, I know a dame or two. Just ignore the deep voice.

Damn - out of likes. I think at this point, we all keep our female characters in bikinis and underwear just to hear Stout go full Clint Eastwood: "Put on some clothes, you damn sluts!!!!"

Not quite yet. My main is level 190-something. Secondary is 220+, since that's the one I did all the missions and deathmatches with. The sexy one.

I think I've posted something similar once before, but I still laugh every time you write about being a solo dickhead in freemode because of this one from back in the day. Especially relevant parts in bold: Now I know why you prefer cats. You like to have one in your lap to pet like Blofeld when you're laughing maniacally at poor suckers and their blown up cars. This scene was actually inspired by Stout in freemode:

You know how I know you're DVDR? You get that objective and your immediate thought is not "blow up 10 NPC cars."

That's exactly what happened in one of them yesterday. Everybody finally had their shit together and a dude left. My number one hated thing in GTA now is AL the action suddenly stopping and that screen turning green. Every time it's the same scenario. "Wait. What happ-DAMMIT HE LEFT."

This shit right here killed me. I have to remember this line.My GODDDDDDD the random heist people were brutal. That last heist is basically impossible without crew. But the worst was the setup before it. Pacific Standard - Bikes. I got on earlier and nobody was on, so I figured I'd try it with randoms. I'm not exaggerating when I say I must have done it 20-30 times with three different sets of randoms. The dumbasses just kept storming the Lost compound and getting their asses shot off. I hate talking to randoms, so I didn't have my headset on, but I damn near plugged it in long enough to yell "EITHER HANG BACK AND SNIPE WITH ME OR GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY." Mel got on and we finished the damn thing on the first try. I thought we could do the actual heist because things went pretty smooth until you have to escape on the bikes. In fairness to those two randoms, I also got my ass kicked. I got rammed off my bike twice in a row and couldn't put on more armor in time. Apparently the key to it is to ditch the bikes immediately and get in a car. The randoms wouldn't take the hint though.

I was just in a lobby with a level 122 who didn't have two full bars of driving skill. How the fuck does that happen - jog to every mission?

I just threw some proximity mines outside a mod shop and blew the dude up when he drove out. Checked the map to see who it was...just a guy that was part of a 7 man crew in the room. As J.R. would say, business is about to pick up.

Oh yeah...you're so meek you'll definitely inherit the Earth.

I think my damn vision blurred I was laughing so hard. Nate, you need to put one of your hooker monologues on here and share the wealth. Or better yet, leave me a voicemail that I can put on SoundCloud. I was still laughing 15 minutes after I signed off.

That's an odd issue. Any chance you could wipe out the updates and reinstall to avoid blowing the whole thing away?

What's this all about? Who would do such a dastardly deed?????