WOW WORKRATE #8 – 11/25/00
(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)
I’m late with this baby, so I figure you- the beloved and gentle reader- deserved an explanation. WELCOME TO MY LITANY OF EXCUSES!
Saturday night I fell asleep after taping Iron Chef (for America’s Favorite Canadian- Ollie! HE ROX~!) so I was gonna watch it Sunday after I got back from South Hill, VA- where I was meeting my Mother-in-law half way to pick up my eldest. When I got back, the CBC Grey Cup webcast was about to start and I decided that I needed to finally fix the astoundingly irritating slow drain in my bathtub. THUS I rushed out to K-Mart right before kick off and bought a pipe wrench…and it goes on and on from there.
Match #1: Lana Star vs. Poison
Lana is less de-bra-ed and jiggly wiggly this week and the hat is starting to grow on me. Ya know, she’s about the fourth or fifth best looking blonde on this show- as, if I had my druthers (and all women everywhere thank sweet baby Jesus every day that I don’t) I’d have a go at Becky, Heather Steele, EZ Rider AND Charlie Davidson before Lana Star. THERE I WOULD BE- DISAPPOINTING ALL THE BLOND GRAPPLING BEAUTIES OF WOW WITH MY HIDEOUS, PUNISHING LOVE! Why do get the feeling that in a REAL world, my best bet would be to go ahead and concentrate on putting the blast on Lee Marshal and spare myself the scarring rejection. Poison is hard and squinty the way you like her- you pathetic freak. Poison’s lariats look like dreaded Heartpunches but all is forgiven as they feign a couple Guerrerro-Malenko (HAHAHAHA! I’m kidding!) roll-ups. Lana sells Poison’s catapultasmic offense pretty well and Poison slithers on the mat to make it all worth our time until they develop real wrestling chops to the point that you no longer have to mentally undress either of the opponents to overlook the funny dropkicks and hideous clotheslines. They hit stuff pretty okay, but neither of these are the best grappling shakes in WOW- so Lana’s cross-body block was more like she kinda fell over sideways onto Poison- though Lana did make Poison’s comical attempt at a hiptoss look credible. WOW is full of young wrestlers full of potential and you can see it between all the business exposing stuff. After a while, Lana hits the Psycho Ref with her hand mirror and I’m guessing that Psycho Ref was more than willing to hit a Triple El Dandy blade job for MY pleasure, but that would distract from Patti Pep running in to make the count on Lana after Poison hit a Scorpion Death Drop Kinda. BUT PATTI LOOKS AT HER LIFE. She sees that Lana represents what she has aspired to be since she was a JV cheerleader- a woman with a life of glamour, of sexual intrigue, of power through this female sexuality- A life outside the confines of giving it up to the All State Halfback until finally succumbing to a mundane life of marriages, kids and daytime television after Billy doesn’t get that scholarship to Wisconsin and ends up at the Brake Assembly plant. Patti sees her own life slipping away as she and her husbands bodies go to seed and their love becomes routine and lifeless. She sees a lifetime of regrets, a life as sexual non-entity confined to a small life with a narrow window to the world and says to herself, “Fuck all that. This is the wrong thing to do, but ANYTHING is better than the right thing to do” and she gently crushes Poison with a mirror. Patti notices that goodness and purity has stifled her and she taunts the Patti she has just killed within herself. Drunk with the vicarious thrill of a beaten dog getting out of the fence, she mocks and assumes the insane grin of the good cheerleader showing the truly sexual creature underneath ready to spring and devour. She is now a succubus in a mini-skirt and she is finally alive. “Fuck the world, this is my world and I must make my own way. It is an ugly world and my temporary beauty can help me get it while I can.” Patti joins Lana, her dyed-platinum blonde guide to Rest Of Her Life out of the ring and they enter a dangerous world, but it is a danger and possible pit of horror she welcomes and relishes. She is reborn and finally free.
It’s either all that or McLane thought that young boys would prefer to jack-off to women in their early twenties dressed as cheerleaders if the woman was an evil cheerleader instead of a good cheerleader. Either way.
Good Enough wrestling for WOW. The angle was good in that Patti Pizzazz is a good little worker and Lana is improving in the ring so they should make for watchable wrestling tagteam.
Hey commercials: I’d buy it if it said: “ENERX! It makes even the fattest, sweatiest, over-the-hill blowhard loser FUCK LIKE A BEAST!” But it doesn’t, so I won’t.
Match #2: Ice Cold vs. Wendi Wheels
Wendi was a stripper I’m guessing from her writhing on the turnbuckle prematch. She also has the clothesline that says either- “I was a stripper” or “I was Lex Luger”. Ice Cold is a lot better in this match at making Wendi look good and her punches are fun. Her Elbow Drops are better than Brian Lee’s. Yes they are. They aren’t good though. They take the brawl to the floor and the trite verbage that McLane has Ice Cold say cannot hide weird lesbianic moment they share as she hovers over the mic says, “You wanna take a ride….” That part is REALLY REALLY great- in a good late-night movie on Cinemax kinda way. They then have an actually REALLY fun little brawl until the Double Count Out. This was a lot better than I thought it would be- and not just because Wendi Wheels’s little fellas are struggling for sweet sweet freedom outside of her undersized halter top the whole brawl. That didn’t hurt though. Not that that matters or anything. Right?
Julie Day and David McLane kill some time. Terri Gold has leather pants on and she should….uh… wear them more often. Many a young man takes it to the finish watching the champ make her leather pants sing like motherfucker. WOO-HOO! JACKTASTIC!
Match #3: WOW Tag Team Title Tournament: The Asian Invasion vs. Caged Heat
Loca and Delta Lotta Pain. Hey! I love a tag tournament. Caged Heat have a bad rap intro music and comically bad hair. Asian Invasion have really tiny pants and have GIGANTIC implantZ. Mix it all together and it’s very disturbing. Luckily, they do some wrestling here to keep your mind on the straight and narrow (though Jade isn’t afraid to have the wedgie that will make your right ventricle explode.) The Invasion are also not afraid to bump like freaks. This match was pretty good for a squash- in that Caged Heat did some good mid-grade double team stuff and Invasion took the bumps neccessary to make them look good. Caged Heat did a decent Doomsday Device and not quite horrible 3-D. They have a good enough offensive double team arsenal it looks like. I will go on record saying Loca is the worker. Jade and Lotus are the secret bumpfreaks of WOW.
Match #4: Hammerin’ Heather Steele vs. Mystery
Tim Noel, wrestling expert and fellow WOW pervert, thought Mystery was Jungle Grrrl, because of her “body type”. It is sooooo not Jungle Grrrl. Mystery’s arms are too big and she looks like she has implantZ! Maybe this is a super swerve where Jungle Grrl is wrestling with a Wonder Bra and wrestling a tougher style- sorta like when Japanese wrestlers have an alter-ego that wrestles a different style than how they usually wrestle. That would be cool. Either way, Hammerin Heather Steele is climbing up my List Of Future Stalking Decisions. She can also work pretty well. Mystery just might be Jungle Grrrl since she hits a SWANKY Fisherman’s Suplex. This was good.
Match #5: EZ Rider vs. Selina Majors
EZ gets on THE STICK~! and I try not to stare at the alluring Charley Davidson, but it’s no use- Charley is 2 CUTE 2B D-NIED! Selena is still in the dressing room, but her Mullet rushes out and hits a perfect hip toss. I love the Harley’s Angels heel stable. The leader is big and mean and can work and is really cool in this, beating the hell out of the heroically-uneasy-on-the-eyes-but-still-pushed-because-she-can-work-and-has-paid-her-dues-forever Selena Bambi Majors. The underlings- EZ and Charley- are what we as men would WANT biker chix to look like, whereas in reality it would just be three chicks who look like Selena Majors. Selena keeps EZ wrestling within herself and works a decent match, with all the fun stuff happening when Thug gets involved. Thug is the best heel in the US at the moment. She makes every match she’s around more fun and adds weight to the threat of EZ in the ring, a threat that would not be as sinister with anyone else at ringside. Peggy Lee Leather is good heel and I’m glad she is getting her shot here on my TV. She leans into Selena’s elbow and her stunner like a champ. Selena carries EZ through her offensive transition really well as she basically wrestles for two in this match- as EZ is really green and struggling to get into position a lot of the time. Selena hits a buncha Ace Crushers to get the pin and they Bill Watts the finish- as the heels lay out Selena, but they really didn’t beat the living hell out of her like they needed to to get their heat back. This match was a good example of a veteran Southern wrestler carrying a youngster through a match. It’s pretty textbook and Selena did a good job. McLane is smart to push Selena and Thug at the top because they know what to do in the ring. The show in general this week: Not the best, not the worst.
THERE YOU HAVE IT.