WOW WORKRATE #7 – 11/18/00
(by DEAN & ANGIE RASMUSSEN)
YOUR LENGTHY BACKSTORY: I watched four hours of internet cybercast wrestling on America One while drifting in and out of the SATURDAY NIGHT CHAT ROOM WEEKLY WRESTLING FESTIVAL.
ULTIMATE WRESTLING- cool! WILD WEST WRESTLING FROM THE 80s!
NWA WORLDWIDE- limbo.
NWA WILDSIDE- actual WRESTLING and neat angles. ALAN BARRIE!
XPW- unwatchable crap but at least Juventud got to job in three minutes.
ECW- in limbo? why the rerun?
Anyway, by 1:30, I said to myself, “Sleep, Dean, SLEEEEEEP!” So I only watched half on WOW last night and then I went to my mother’s house for Thanksgiving since she will be visiting my stepbrother in Arizona this week. So I got home from Chesapeake at 7:00 and said to my long-suffering wife, Angie, “HEY! You wanna watch this WOW thing with me?” She said, “Yeah sure.” She is pretty hip to what’s good in wrestling, though she only ever gets interested in anything I’m watching when it’s Lucha Libre. She can’t stand Joshi because she finds all the screaming annoying. She does have a GIANT appreciation for big stupid cheesy pop culture things, so I figured WOW would be fun, quality time together. Luckily, this was one of the better WOWs with a really good Main Event and a cool ass angle in the middle. I’ll sprinkle her comments in liberally.
A REVIEW OF WOW THAT I WATCHED WITH MY WIFE: I was on the couch with a notebook taking notes, which is kinda goofy considering it’s WOW and I know who everyone is, but she said, “I not gonna rewatch this shit for two hours while you type it up.” Thus the notes. I’ll post them at some point.
It starts with Lana trying to figure out who dyed her hair green and she massages the editor of the show. I’m guessing as to what she did to get him to cover up her thousand missed dropkicks! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I kid Lana Star! This is starting well! He seems to be quite a squinty broken man. I’m guessing he gets real tired of finding a masking angle to place in the middle of the blown spots.
Thug cuts the greatest PROMO~! in WOW history by stealing StarDust’s “stomp a mudhole and walk it dry oratory” motif.
ANGIE: “Now that’s a lovely mullet. What a scary Cafe 21* woman.”
The title is stolen. WHo could it be? I’m guessing this now replaces WHO IS MYSTERY? as the question that never gets asked on the internet by anybody.
Lana traipses out SANS BRA- boobies all wiggly! Her voice is very squeaky as she sets up her match with Poison and Poison is suitably Trailerpark Trashy. Lana walks on Poison’s big catchphrase. This is perfectly fine with me. The woman without the bra gets precedent in a conversation.
ANGIE: “This is SOOOOO bad.”
Poison says, “You thought it was bad me dying your hair! Wait until you see what I do to you next week!” Whereupon my wife said, “Buy her a bra.”
As she stalks off the back ramp, Poison says “KISS IT!” while smacking her butt- thus causing the astoundingly creepy David McLane to audibly toast one all over Lee Marshal’s suit.
Julie Day interviews Caged Heat and Angie notices that everything is very stereotypical on this show- especially after Slam Dunk comes out. She also notes after Jungle Grrl comes out that all the stereotypical racial gimmicks don’t have implants. I inform her about the implant-drenched Asian Invasion. WOW is a riddle wrapped in a question wrapped in the oily mitt of a sweaty 43 year old male virgin.
Match #1: Slam Dunk vs. Summer
ANGIE: DEEEAAAN! Is NOTHING sacred!?!”
Slam Dunk gets on THE STICK~! and calls McLane a FISH-EYED FOOL! JUST LIKE AUNT ESTER! I wish she didn’t suck in the ring so much so I could start liking her now! This match wasn’t good. WOW delivers the sleazy goodness as Summer enters the ring- going for extreme close-up on her butt- the least expensive part of her body, it looks like.
ANGIE: “Was the casting call: Big Breasted Women Only?”
Summer is a perfectly fine as a six-month rookie, not blowing her spots. Slam Dunk is still godawful though. Her Airplane Spin was super stinky. Her chokeslam was poopy poopy poopy. Let’s just call her big splash the 747 and get on with our reviewing lives.
ANGIE: “This is really bad.” I explain the six month thing. ANGIE: “Still really telegraphed though.”
THUG RULEZ! Julie Day asks her about the belt and Thug looks as if she is going to beat Day to death with the pool cue. Why do people say that Julie Day isn’t good? She is great at cowering in fear to the heels which is what an announcer is SUPPOSED to do.
The commercial for the New Sex Enhancement pill airs. We discuss target marketing. “Better SEX!” …with yourself
The commercial for QUEST PERSONALS comes on and I wonder if it’s national. If it is, can you tell why the woman with the speech impediment left Wes the Skydiver?!!? WHERE IS THE LOVE!?!
Match #2: Jungle Grrrl vs. Bronco Billie
Jungle Grrrl is the best wrestler for carrying the youngsters while Beckie the Farmer’s Daughter is the best Offensive wrestler in the promotion- thus is better for the main event- like today. Here Jungle Grrl does a basic WOW match but hits everything better than the rookies and bumps all over the ring to make Bronco look liek a wrstling machine. She takes the Catapult into the TURNBUCKLE and then hits the turnbuckle full force when Billie moves out of the way. It looks all dynamic and she isreally good in this. Bronco hits a nice Crucifix and Grrl hits some adorably crappy looking punches in the corner. Her Snuka splash (I believe Clint Wolfe dubbed her Jiminina Snuka) is pretty swank for a WOW highspot and I’m all over Jungle Grrl’s jock because of matches like this.
ANGIE: “She follows through.”
The “We ARE 18!” 800 eel-squeezer sexchatline commercial comes on.
ANGIE: “This shit is targeted for 48 year old perverted men. That’s sick.”
They have a big Salina interveiw and IT’S FUCKING GREAT! This is SOOOO Memphis in execution and hits GAEA-esque coolness in the bitchtastic pull-apart, as Selina beats the fudge out of Thug and kicks and pulls the hair of EZ Rider and Charlie Davidson. This all is setting up Salina vs EZ Rider for next week. WOW sets up angles better than WCW does. Not that is saying much, but this is perfectly set up and is producing good matches. THAT IS WHAT I WANT FROM U.S. WRESTLING. WOW IS DELIVERING THAT THIS WEEK. Selina has the greatest line in women’s wrestling, “I’m gonna kick that big fat ass of yours!” And she delivers it like a barfly punching a beautician over the love of a toothless deisel engine mechanic. WOW RULES THIS WEEK.
(ANGIE (as Selina enters ring): “God, ultimate redneck lesbian hair.”)
Lana and Patti plot evil. NO PATTI NO! Why Why Why… I’ll elaborate on why this is very bad next week when I actually see it. (DAMN CANADIANS!)
EnerX Sem enhancement tablets Commercial comes on.
ANGIE: “Why is every commercial on this show about sex? Oh my god. (Pithy and untrue personal comment by the good ladywife deleted)” I note that “stamina” seems to be the big sell word. ANGIE: “Will it help when you’re jerkin it?”
Another Quest Personal ad comes on AND NOW WES THE SKYDIVER IS ON THE LOOSE AGAIN! WHERE WAS THE LOVE HE AND WITH SPEECH IMPEDIMENT GIRL! WHY! GOD! WHY! Can love REALLY last?
A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT 1-800 Trouser Weasel greasing Hotline ad comes on.
ANGIE: ” Get your EnerX, get on the hotline, jerk it to the ladies with the big boobies.”
Match #3: The Disciplinarian vs. Hammerin’ Heather Steele
ANGIE (talking about Disciplinarian’s outift): “She has the little boobs costume.”
I notice that Heather has deceptively tiny pants. I also realize that Heather looks a lot like my old college girlfriend from California. I was wondering whatever happened to her. I thought she was doing urban planning in Northern California. This is far more exciting. To me anyway. (We discuss Disciplinarian’s breasts [Does this conversation ever pop up in your relationship?]
ANGIE: “Her thing isn’t her breasts. The Jungle Girl didn’t have big breasts I don’t think. I guess if your good, you don’t need big breasts.”
Disciplinarian hits an odd (as in HUNH?!?) dropkick. Everything else is very vanilla, perfectly fine wrestling, with Disciplinarian hitting a nice backslide for the pin. Then she hits her with a yardstick. She’s deeply into discipline and it’s fun….
Riot comes out to be grilled by Julie Day. (DEAN: “This is the woman I’m leaving you for.”) Riot gets more and more irritated about the cute little Julie Day asking her about the stupid belt and talks about vandalism and being sent to the junkyard or something. RIOT grabs Day by the back of the head and says, “HOW WOULD YOU LIKE A DEMONSTRATION, LITTLE GIRL!” I try to quickly readjust my notebook all while my eyes roll back into the back of my head- a Russ Meyers-like flashback of Vixen-soaked bad girlness rushes through my head because I am such a pathetic pathetic freak.
More TiTastic phoneline commercials.
Match #4: Thug vs. Beckie The Farmer’s Daughter
This is the best match in WOW so far. This fucking ruled. Beckie bumps like a total freak in this. Thug was perfect in this- being in position to take Beckies running up the ropes Crossbody, bumping big later, working the crowd, being the really good top heel in the promotion. Beckie starts the bumpfest by somersault selling two lariats. THUG bumps for Beckie by taking the Butt-bustin Body Scissors spot into the dreaded Rolling Cradle. Thug gets a bodyslam for a transition after an awkward moment and hits two Guillotines before Beckie catches her foot on the second rope and takes the DEATH BUMP TO THE FLOOR of WOW 2000. It looked SUPER nasty. After taking a knee to the midsection on the apron, Beckie gets the advantage back when Thug can’t slam her head into the ring post, and Beckie counters it by slamming Thugs head into the turnbuckle. (BREAK FOR Martin Commercials) Beckie hits the running apron Plancha onto all three Harley’s Angels and it looked really great. Elbow and Russian Legsweep gets the transition for Thug and respectable Nodawa by Thug leads up to the toprope Ref Bump Lariat to set up Charley Davidson hitting Thug accidentally with a pool cue. Beckie with a Taue Super Splash off the toprope for the three. Thug, Charlie and EZ go all Bill Wattsian on the face and get their heat back by beating the hell out of Beckie after throwing Bump Freak Ref over the toprope onto his head AND IT LOOKED FUCKING INSANE. (ANGIE: “Ooo My GOD! He missed the mat!”) All this is to set up the hot save by Selina. THIS SHIT WAS GREAT! Welcome to Memphis, California. This is what WCWSN should have become with Jimmy Hart booking it. This ruled. The WOW Main Event rocked this week.
ANGIE: “That last match was good, Some of the others were iffy.”
* Cafe 21 is a redneck shitkicker bar in Richmond where they always used to find whoever would break out of the old Richmond Jail. He would usually be the guy who ordered twenty beers before 10:30 in the morning. A TRUE story.
THERE YOU HAVE IT.