WOW WORKRATE #5 – 11/05/00
(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)
I was at a wedding in Columbia, MD- where me and my old girlfriend from college sang JACKSON by Johnny and June Carter Cash with the band at the reception, the rootstastic Burnt Taters. She reminded me that we went fifteen years ago and I realized that I am the oldest motherfucker walking the earth. MY HIP! I didn’t get back to Richmond until quarter to three so I didn’t get to tape WOW. Luckily, old friend and host of Wrestling Power 2000 had gotten in at 1:30 on Saturday so he taped the last half hour. When he was- I guess- “done (?)” with the tape, he swung it by. Since I’ve only got access to half the show this week, I will CONCEDE right now that CRZ will beat my sorry ass into the ground when it comes amount of Midnight Choker References made. I WILL DESTROY HIM NEXT WEEK THOUGH! Pay back, DADDY!
The section I have starts with RIOT on the STICK! She saying something of great importance- I am sure- but she is carressing a baseball bat with one hand while firmly, yet yieldingly holding a microphone in the other- and I’m too busy trying to think of Ernest Borgnine so I can make it to the end of this review. It all leads up to a match. A special match. One that will affect men in special ways.
RIOT vs LOTUS: Lotus is a lady of Asian descent who is POWERED BY FABULOUS ATOMIC IMPLANTS! This match is the greatest match in the history of teenage boys staying up late on Saturday nights. It has it all. Lotus has the tiniest pants in all of California and she has the DUEL wedgie/cameltoe combo. Riot fights back with her own wedgetastic black little pants and fabulous abs of silky slutty sexiness. RIOT starts SPANKING Lotus while having her up for a bodyslam and WOW ratings immediately plunge as the teenage boys across this great land quickly change their underwear and call it a night. RIOT stalls during the Powerbomb to polish off the older viewers who have tried to keep it together by using age old techniques of thinking of the usual assortment of unsexy things: Jimmy The Greek, baseball, Janet Reno, Cher videos… it’s no use. The pants are all tiny, everything is riding up, it’s all writhy and wriggly and it’s RIOT being the gnarliest vixen on TV. Everyone loses/wins. JADE rushes in because she is one half of the first TRUE jabrone WOW tag team and- being Lotus partner- has matching implants and a red version of the tiny pants. Two powerbombs later THE WORLD IS SPENT. Restraining Order: a whopping 40,000 feet.
WOW comically runs commercials about sexual energy stimulants to a group of male viewers that are already eating jello and drifting off to sleep because of the amazingness of the last match.
We come back and Danger browbeats Julie Day- which we can all get behind.
PATTI PEP vs The DISCIPLINARIAN: Giving cheerleaders discipline is a kind of values we can all get behind, so this match should be good. Disciplinarian is a good little worker and they get all jumpy, hoppy. It’s fun. Patti Pep goes into full Van Damination bodysplashiness. This match is kinda drawn out as they repeat a bunch Catapults. Disciplinarian tries to get it through Patti’s head that she should have “stayed away from the boys!” KICK ASS! WOW RULES! LESBIANATION OF PATTI! They kinda do stuff and set up a backslide that get the Disciplinarian the win. Clean as a sheet and I just can’t hate this other than the subpar wrestling. WOW is the only promotion I can ever say that about. Restraining Order: 45 feet.
Lana’s hair is green.
HARLEY’S ANGELS vs TERRI GOLD/ BECKY THE FARMERS DAUGHTER/ BRONCO BILLY: This was fun. EZ Rider gets on THE STICK and they all start yelling at the suitably creepy David McLane. The slutty and ultra hot Charley Davidson gets on the STICK and sounds like true Bakersfield trailertrash as she recounts her spiel she is supposed to say and I’m falling in love. Peggy Lee Thug is FUN in this, taking fat ass bumps in a WOW sorta way. Anyway, the yelling at McLane allows the technicos to hit two dropkicks and then the third dropkick- all from behind and none of it timed to well. It’s a fun way to begin as cameras switch hither and yon so you don’t really know what’s going on- like whether they just blow lotsa stuff or if the switcher is just injecting caffiene directly into his own neck. Becky the Farmers Daughter- the best wrestler on TV this week- hits two good dropkicks and a passable standing dropkick on Thug to set up a running cross-bodyblock as the highspots ARE GO! The sultry Bronco Billy gets to participate in the Southern Tagteam HEAT SEGMENT~! as the lovely Charley Davidson gives Bronco’s mid-section some adorable punches in the corner. Triple teaming, cheating to win, Tree of Woe- it was all there. You loved it! We break for more commercials to call big boobied laaadies! When we return, Bronco makes the HOT TAG! to Terri Gold who hits a bunch of dropkicks to clear the ring. EZ and Charley grab Billy and Bronco’s ankles and drags them to the floor! THUG hits a Chokeslam on Terri Gold as Selena Majors makes the run-in! It’s cool that Thug goes over clean before the run-in. Terri Gold’s quebrada WAS really nice despite the fact that it didn’t actually land inside the ring, I don’t think. Post match they beat on Selena’s leg more. It’s FUN! I love this feud. Some of these folks can work, Peggy Lee is becoming a guilty pleasure and the ones that can’t actually work are really hot, so I’m happy. It’s fun.
THERE YOU HAVE IT.