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DEATH VALLEY DRIVERETTE 07232015 More EXPLORATION! ~!~ SINGLES GOING STEADY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HIROSHI YAMOTO/ HIROKI MURASE/ SHOTARO ASHINO vs RYOTA HAMA/ ANDY WU/ YUYA SUSUMU- WRESTLE-1- 7/4/2015- [RASMUSSEN]: This is a mixture of guys I’ve seen, some guys I’ve seen but never paid attention to, and guys I’ve never seen. Let’s see who leaves any kind of impression. I am optimistic! Wrestling is sometimes awesome! Why not now? WHY NOT? Hiroshi Yamoto does cool mat things and Andy Wu is all high-flying early but even early on you and I are waiting. Waiting for the big boy. Waiting for the sweet sweet fatness to come crashing down. We gloss over the perfunctory and perfectly well executed whatever they did and our mind starts to wander until THE TAG! Our boy Hama uses his fat ass and otherly placed fat to crush youngster Ashino- including just rolling over top of him like Ashino was sitting on the porch and then cow falls off the roof onto him. (The next review I do of Hama will have this same idiot joke but you get to look forward to a back story of how the cow got on the roof. Actually, fuck it. I got a few minutes. A Cautionary Tale- How Mabel the Cow Ended Up on the Roof. He was the one. He was the one I loved. When I first met him, I didn't really think much about him. We were both freshmen in the dorm, He was a middling, off-beat good-looking Holstein from Earlesville. He was about the humanities but wasn't really fired up and passionate about anything. He was kind of already broken at 18. It's not an attractive look but don't get me wrong, he was attractive. I was a Guernsey raised in the big city and I would cover up my own insecurities by trying be the hippest gal in the room. Thinking back, I can't even imagine how fucking annoying that mush have been. But he was like actually interested in me. He was the opposite of me. He was sheltered and didn't know the ways of the world and I was jaded and had seen everything- or so I thought. What he didn't know was that he could fall in love with me just by talking to me. He had thought he was in a love a few times and actually said it a few times and really thought he meant it. But that was before he met me. What I didn't know was that I could fall in love, and fall was deep- like lifetime deep so early in my life. This fucking REAL. I was taken a-back. It was an intense feeling, beyond any sexdual thing, though that was also beyond wildest dreams. He told that before he met me and fell in love with me that he was a boy, playing childish games, pretending to be a man. After falling in love with me, he said he finally knew what it meant to be a man. He wanted to be with me forever and to father my calves and be my moptherfucking only bull. I felt the same way but I was scared. It was scary to lose my virginity. It was scary to have these feeelings so young in life. I was guessing that I would ease into the rest of my life and eventually find somebody to grow old with. This wasn't planned. This real and this was NOW and this was it. But I sent him away because I was overwhelmed and wanted to escape and get my head together. He was young and fiery and hurt. He went up to his farmer and said, "I am done. Send me to the slaughterhouse. My sadness will make my flesh tough. You deserve more than that, master. For the good of my species, I must sacrifice myself at my most delectible point. I will get no more than this. I will never be more in love than this." And he was gone. So here I am back home and made it through the window. And now I going to die in disgrace. And also land on this wrestler on the porch. I always loved you and I am nothing without you.) Susumu then kicks him in the stomach a bunch so the good points of Ashino so far is that he will take an assbeating and not go off running into the street in terror. Andy Wu looks perfectly fine- if not overly flashy for a highflier. He makes the basic stuff look like it hurts, which is better than most. Hama tags in and Ashino battles back just to have all the fat of Hama collapse onto his chest. The Attempt On Hama Of A Sunset Flip is a hilariously nonsensical spot that is the eternal staple of poor saps who wrestle the morbidly obese, it's like eating at Hardee's- you think about it, you just fucking do it. GOD DANG! After a disturbing roll-up of Hama by Hiroshi Yamato, where we are treated to basically Hama’s raw naked Personal Pan-Sized Pizza-sized taint, Hama drops the fuggin MEAT CLEAVER on Yamato and things had to squirt out of both ends the fuzzy pumper barber shop that is the human body reacting to that much fat landing on it. Susumu is intense on offense but not overly impressive. He does lots of little things fast but Yamato’s dropkick looked hurtier than the five moves Susumu puts together. Andy Wu rolls around a lot before hitting stuff- which I find amusing. I dunno, I’m horrible because you gotta really land on your shoulder wrong a lot for me to actively seek out your matches these days if you are under 250 pounds (and a guy.) Don’t hold that against him though because Wu doesn’t do anything annoying or bad looking, it’s just that- for me, he is up against memories of Asian Cougar doing sentons out of the ring over the toprope onto folks on the floor covered with chairs. So dazzle me. The Triple Concussion consecutive moves off the toprope onto Andy Wu was very interesting and innovative, but really, EVERYBODY, when the landed, bounced their heads off the mat like they were Mikey Whipwreck being powerbombed. And that was the finish. Well. The idea and booking of the match is pretty smart. Stick three pretty bland interchangeable guys in with a bland other guy and a bland guy with a mask, but reward the viewers like you and I by letting Ryota Hama fucking crush people- thus making the assorted perfectly fine non-descript wrestling go down easier. None of the five stick to me yet. But luckily for them (because all wrestlers want to be liked BY ME, I ‘m positive of this), they were all five competent enough to not make me hate them. So we will continue to monitor their progress, hopefully in singles matches where they can try to hold my interest without me trying figure which one will get his ribs ground into powder by fat guy landing on him. So yeah, I’ll take this match. http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2xt59e_hiroshi-yamato-hiroki-murase-shotaro-ashino-vs-ryota-hama-andy-wu-yuya-susumu-wrestle-1_sport $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ YUJI HINO vs HIRO TONAI- K-DOJO- 7/12/2015- [RASMUSSEN]: Reading about Hiro Tonai on Cagematch.net and it says that Tonai is 31 years old and has been wrestling for 8 years. I then realize that- between the Big Switch-over from dvd’s to stuff on the internet, it means that you couldn’t GIVE AWAY most K-Dojo matches to me the last couple of years. But hey, here we are. The need to explore and find new wrestlers to watch, combined with my absurd love of the most magnificently sleazy version of Yuji Okabayashi possible that is Yuji Hino (and the fact that Hino and Okabayashi are an actual tag team occasionally is like the best thing in the wrestling world to me at this time) brings us to watching young Hiro Tonai for the first time that I can recall. I assume that Hino will beat the living hell out of him and I will once again wonder why he doesn’t jump to Big Japan to wrestle Kawakami every night. But let us actually watch this, shall we. They start off doing a very active and rolly arm-bar sequence and I get the feeling that this is going to go long (the counter saying 24 minutes helps also) and I get the feeling that this will be a straight pro style match instead of Hino’s strong suit, Stong Style. But Tonai works around a wristlock and there are reversals and counters and its what I didn’t expect so I’m digging it- and it helps that it is also done pretty well. Then a knuckle lock section and it dawns on me that this all to kill time to build up to Hino fucking killing this guy. Until then, Welcome To Scientific Wrestling. Hino starts a very basic arm-wringer and we veer into a 70s style Hold To Call A Spot and it leads to Tonai kneeing Hino in the head to escape a Dragon Sleeper attempt and I believe we are moving closer to Hino beating the life out this- the challenger for the STRONGEST K CHAMPION belt. En lieu, Hino works a casual kneebar but he is starting to get snippy and he rolls Tonai around, stomps the calf and sinks the hold back in. Tonai sells it a little after countering and escaping and then gets in a quick Crossarmbreaker submission attempt. They then do a thing where Tonai fights out of German Suplex that Hino counters into a Dragon Sleeper again and Tonai hits the ropes. This is a total Dradition style match where they channel 70s style wrestling- which is a style of match I haven’t seen in a while so I’m not turning on this, but digging the bizarre subtlety of the whole thing. At 13: 59, the Strong Style kicks in as they finally hit the ropes. Tonai dodges the lariat and drop kicks Hino in the knee and then does the Silver King plancha to the floor and this is now all about Tonai hitting New Japan junior lowgrade highspots. Tonai comes off the toprope and drops a knee on Hino’s shoulder and Hino undersells initially but I think his right arm is the story of the match so he establishes a bottom line selling to build on as Tonai attacks the arm. The story is now basic and awesome. Tonai works on the injured arm while Hino chops the fuck out of Tonai to escape. Tonai I dig. His offense is inventive and his focus on the arm is tenacious. This is the second match I’ve seen Hino selling giant amounts- the first was a odd match in the DDT developmental promotion DNA, beating the dogshit out of rookie before doing a giant foray into selling for the rookie before totally fucking annihilating him. Here he isn’t trying to make a rookie look good, here he is actually selling a really good looking offense. Maybe Hino is even more awesome than I give him credit for. Hino powers out of Cross Arm Breaker and throws Tonai backwards onto his head. Tonai goes back to the arm and the psychology of this match is established and rich and moist and filling and delightful. Tonai holds the ropes to fight out of a German Suplex- but he loses battle and Hino fucking slaughters him with a Released German Suplex. Tonai escapes to the floor and Hino tries re-assemble his crumpled arm. As Tonai is rolled in, we assume this is the beginning of the end. Hino takes a knee to the face but fires back with a lariat. Tonai does the awesome thing of GOING BACK TO THE ARM! Woo-hoo! Psychology this late in the game. Hino powers out of the CrossArm Breaker and powers into a Stretch Plum and that is it! Waaaa? No 15 kick outs of lariats and powerbombs? A submission actually making someone submit? Yuji Hino and Hiro Tonai, you magnificent sons of bitches, I am getting on board for big win and backing your play one hundred percent. Fuck yes. I will continue to watch of these two guys. Fuck and Yes. http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2xx6ot_yuji-hino-c-vs-hiro-tonai-k-dojo_sport

DEATH VALLEY DRIVERETTE 07222015 More EXPLORATION! And the new Okabayashi match. ~!~ SINGLES GOING STEADY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DIASUKE SEKIMOTO vs YUJI OKABAYASHI- BIG JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- 7/20/2015-[RASMUSSEN]: This is for the Big Japan Strong Style Title held by Sekimoto. I used to hate Sekimoto and then, over time, he got beaten into my heart, mostly by Kohei Sato. Okabayashi is my current favorite wrestler. I like his intensity. I like the intensity of everything in Big Japan that isn’t their shitty death match division. It’s strange. It’s like liking McDonald’s for the salads, or liking Burger King for the salads. Or liking Wendy’s for the salads. Let’s enjoy the best salad Big Japan can toss at us. Salads! They start the Strong Style belt match by doing the strong style test of shoulder blocks and THERE IS ALREADY BLOOD? Fuck. And. Yes. Actually, reviewing it, it’s hardway from the LOCK-UP. That bodes well for DEAN’s enjoyment of a wrestling match. They ram into each other and call each other pussies and then Sekimoto bowls him over for two and blood is smearing on Okabayashi’s chest as they take it to the floor. Okabayashi FUCKING fucking MOTHERFUCKING CRUSHES Sekimoto’s chest with a chop. I dunno, I can’t explain why I love this style of wrestling so much yet I have no patience for MMA. Actually, I was smartened up about wrestling when I was 6 and was never into boxing as much I got into wrestling- so I think is a correlation- because boxing in 1973 was the greatest boxing that boxing will ever be- Ali, Frazier, Foreman, Norton, Jimmy Young, Shavers, those white guys whose names elude me right now. So if I took Blackjack and Wahoo over Ali and Frazier- both sports of which were on TV back then- there has to be a reason why I like wrestlers who lay it in over fighters who actually punch each other in the stomachs. My theory is that I am a a romantic and I love art. MMA is a sport. Wrestling is an art. People who look for fulfillment in sports are weirdos and losers (unless it’s the CFL- and then it truly is inspiring feats by heroes of the grid-iron. Mike Pringle was Ullysses! Rakeem Cato is a Christ-like figure.). But art, even wrestling- the lowest, most fucked-up of the arts, is supposed to expose and enrich the human spirit. So wrestling wins, fuck you, everything else. Okabayashi bodyslams Sekimoto to the floor and then hits a very fat fatboy Piscado and the beating through chops are exchanged into the crowd. Sekimoto goes on offense and he is intense while Okabayashi leans into the posting. They try some stuff but don’t actually execute it well at all. That’ll cost you a star. Prolly. They cover it up by beating on each other so the STAR IS REGAINED! Sekimoto brings totally fat ass forearms to Kobatashi’s gigantic skull and I really like it when you watch the Big Japan Strong Style Division and they really start fucking laying it in. They do that at this point. Sekimoto hits a brainbuster to procure the Eudylike Chinlock and they fight in and out of that for a little while to MORPH into them beating the hell out of each other again to set up a headlock. Okabayashi Backdrop Drivers out and I assume he will procure a Mister Fuji nerve pinch to set up a Released Toprope Death Valley Bomb. But I am wrong- they en lieu elbow each other in the face while on their knees to get to chopping each other on their feet to Sekimoto running into the ropes to accept a manly powerslam by Okabayashi to allow Okabayashi to procure the Octopus Hold. I love the backwards psychology of using highly visual power moves to set up very static submission holds. It’s like the 70s style in reverse. Sekimoto hits the ropes to allow Okabayashi to murder him with chops. Sekimoto fires back with his own murderous chops and a dropkick and corner lariat to probably set up an Airplane Spin. But no. Argentenian Backbreaker- which predates the Airplane Spin. Okabayashi muscles out and transitions through a sleeper into his own Argentenian Backbreaker- as the Argentenian Backbreaker is to Big Japan Strong Style what the Western Lariat is to the King’s Road Style. I dig little things like that. Sekimoto mirrors Okabayashi's escape from the backbreaker but settles in for a Sleeper as the mirror is augmented and distorted to make the psychology more lush and vibrant. Okabayashi cures all this girly shit by fucking KILLING Sekimoto with a running powerbomb into the turnbuckle. Okabayashi hits he fucking Deadlift Brainbuster that is soooooo fucking MANLY. And keeping with the story of the match, these visually stunning spots lead up to a static submission- a Boston Crab. Sekimoto makes the ropes and collapses in a heap to allow Okabayashi to gos up for the frog splash and they battle at the top- with Okabayashi winning the struggle and hitting a really great Bucket Of Fried Chicken Fatman Missile Dropkick! That move I haven't seen from our boy Okabayashi. Sekimoto powers out of the tombstone so they can crush each other with lariats and German suplexes. Okabayshi hits the Shotgun Lariat but is too SPENT to make the cover. I await the Stump-puller. Instead, they go back to beating the hell out of each other. I and the audience assume this is now going Broadway as Sekimoto hits a fucking beautiful lariat to set-up his deadly EVEREST SUPLEX but Okabayashi fights out of it before getting kicked in the head and then taking it. For 2, this is Broadway! I can feel it! Except I read the results on Cagematch before I watched so I have to suspend my disbelief! Sekimoto hits a really nasty lariat and it looks like it's over but the chopping- but Okabayashi fights out of another EVEREST and hits a few chops and lands a SKULL CRUSHING lariat for two. Okabayashi ascends the turnbuckle and hits his finisher, the frog splash for the WIN! Butbutbutbut WTF? Sekimoto kicks out! That's the finisher you don't kick out of! Unless.... Total Broadway? Not now. They've given Sekimoto the kick out of the Okabayshi Finisher. That can only mean: Okabayashi hoists Sekimoto up and just fucking VADERS Sekimoto with a powerbomb. For the win! For the belt! Fuck yes! This is the year of Yuji Okabayashi! So this is also MY year as a wrestling fan. And that's what's important. To me. It's a great match and A strange match and it Is not like other Big Japan Strong Style matches. The psychology of the match was giant moves to set up static moves. I feel like this would have a perfect match if the powerbomb set up a Indian Deathlock or a Sharpshooter. But maybe that idea is for the rematch. I'll take this everyday and twice on Sundays. http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2yu62u_daisuke-sekimoto-vs-yuji-okabayashi-on-7-20-15_sport More Later tonight! YEP!

DEATH VALLEY DRIVERETTE 07212015 I’m going to watch a bunch of guys that I’ve never seen before (that I remember) and hopefully find more folks to be into. Let’s go, shall we. SINGLES GOING STEADY! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MINORU TANAKA vs SEIKI YOSHIOKA- WRESTLE-1- 7/4/2015- {RASMUSSEN]: Maybe I’ve seen Seiki Yoshioka before or maybe I haven’t. May be NOW he is to the point that I will remember them! YES! Minoru Tanaka I used to love. I’m glad we never married because we’ve grown so far apart. I felt he has been cruising on his 90’s rep since before he was ever great or anything. Our boy Yosh is a slight fella. I like his elbows and he moves really well. His offense is NJ Junior but he does lay it in so I’m still on board. Here he is good on the mat- in that it he makes it look hurtful and weepy. He works on the knee and it looks cool. Minoru brainbusters Yoshioka to the floor to transition to offense and I remember that Minoru Tanaka used to be fun to watch. Tanaka sinks in the choke and he looks good in this. Maybe I shouldn’t have completely embargoed his every match since 2002. He seems pretty fired up here. Yoshioka sells it pretty well and makes the ropes. He also punches Minoru in the face. Minoru beats him death in response. Minoru laying it in is the really good Minoru. Yoshioka drop kicks to stay on offense. Tanaka hits a really good lookin’ Asai Moonsault and he sells it as an old guy who just did something he shouldn’t do anymore- which is pretty great. Minoru sinks in a crossface and then it goes to pretty much rote New Japan Juniors- which is fine here because they are actually fired up. Yoshioka hits a Falcon Arrow and a Swanton and then a Shining Wizard for two. So yeah, this style has been completely passed by. Tanaka hits a brainbuster and I get back into it a little. Another crossface and I can’t really criticize the selling or execution, it’s just I dig this style anymore and neither of these guys really do anything to make me give a shit. Even the end when they start beating on each other, it’s so ¼ Big Japan Strong Style. The finisher by Tanaka- the Unprotected Death Valley Bomb was pretty cool. The following Released Dragon and Released Tequila Sunrise Suplex were pretty great. Toprope stomp for two is also pretty fun. The strange lariat thing was pretty good. I dunno. I didn’t love this match but I should probably keep watching both of these guys. It needed like five more things to make it really good. I’m a little confused how I feel about this. http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2xt04s_minoru-tanaka-c-vs-seiki-yoshioka-wrestle-1_sport $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ YUKI SATO vs AYUMU HONDA- K-DOJO- 7/12/2015- [RASMUSSEN]: I don't know these guys from Adam. I'm taking on all comers! Maybe these guys rule! They might suck! They probably are right in the middle of the Bell curve where I won't hate them but not really care about them one way or the other afterwards either. It's way of the world! You put up the goods or you tell your story walking, fatboy! So, the only way to the TRUTH is to go.........THROUGH! Let us explore the world of wrestlers Dean has never probably seen! YES! The journey beginz (I am street...)...... According to Cagematch.net, Honda is 26 with 3 years under his belt and Sato is 29 with 9 years under his belt. Take these scrubs and HOOK'EM UP! They fuck around for the first few minutes with assorted stalling. They do junior heavyweight in-ring things to kill more time until we hopefully get to the meat of the action. Sato has people at ring-side to help him but they don't really beat the shit out of anyone; they just kinda trip people and do low-grade evil- sorta like a sleazy Japanese Indie nWo Wolfpack. Honda WILL fly into chairs like a CHAMP and will lean into chairs being thrown at him like an even BIGGER, LESS SMARTER CHAMP, so I'm starting to warm up to these two. Sato slams him on the ramp and beats him with a different, harder chair- hitting a complete 15 on the Masato Tanaka I Don't Want To Remember The 1990s Or My First Two Girlfriends Chairshot scale. Hondo fights to transition but Sato beats on him more. And it looks like Hondo (please note that for some reason, I decided in my hilariously ravaged brain that Honda suddenly became Hondo ((A movie (((I FUCKING SWEAR))) I was watching earlier this evening)) and cannot bring myself to change all the "o"s to "a"s. Plus I think it's pretty funny when I think about it. HE IS NOW HONDO FOREVER.) gets some HARDWAY COLOR~! from leaning into the last chairshot. But while I love blood more than anybody- EVEN YOU!, it is starting to feel a little squashy. Hondo battles back but his strikes won't make you forget Kohei Sato or anything. I dunno. It's hard to tell how good Hondo is because of the rookie match nature of this. At least I can tell Sato will beat the crap out of you, which will make me want to keep your matches. Actually, the fact that Hondo will bleed and lean into crazy shit makes me want to see more of him. Then it TRANSFORMS from squash/rookie match into an actual straight wrestling match- where it gets quickly good. Hondo is fun when he finally gets on offence and fatter boy tope con hilos the People of Sato. He does a really nice Alligator Spin Into A Cross-Armbreaker and does a really nice Keylock. This definitely got good quick! YEA! Finding new wrestlers to watch is fun when you find new wrestlers to watch- that are fun! To watch! Goddamn, Hondo is a freak- going throat first into the bottom rope on a catapult and making it look way nastier than it has any right to be. I give it a Doom level of catapult and I give Hondo the Lee Scott What The Fuck Are You Doing You Maniac salute. Hondo hits a really nice missile dropkick and then Judos all the People Of Sato with flips and kick. Hello! FUN! Hondo does a SWEET Rolling Cross-Arm Breaker while Sato is holding a Kendo stick- which had like 75 ways to ruin both of their careers, but they pull it off and YES! they pass my personal creepy audition! Especially Honda. He's a keeper. I am keeping him. I liked Sato too, but not as much. http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2xx97s_yuki-sato-c-vs-ayumu-honda-k-dojo_sport Tomorrow: More EXPLORATION!

DEATH VALLEY DRIVERETTE 07172015 ~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~ Oh what to watch. Let’s do a clearing house. Let Rippa edit it! SINGLES GOING STEADY! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TAJIRI vs KAZMA SAKAMOTO- WRESTLE-1- 7/4/2015- [RASMUSSEN]: I don’t know who Sakamoto is but I like his style- as he starts a match with a clubbing forearm, so yes, he is winning my heart at second number one. He and Tajiri get right to it and beat on each other all through the crowd. Kazma throws REALLY great looking clubbing forearms and he lays them right in- and right in front of the rubes in the crowd. That makes for a fun wrestling experience- make me buy it two feet from my eyes OR YOU CAN GO TO HELL, WRESTLING MAN! Flair would do that at the Coliseum when he would chop Lex Luger or Sting or Michael PS Hayes or whoever as they brawled at ring side. Wrestling is a performing art. Live you can't fix it with a different camera angle. Kazma does it right here. They finally get back to the ring and Kazma goes straight for the eyes (or something, it's hard to tell, you just know that he is cheating and that Tajiri is in pain). I dig this Sakamoto cat; maybe I need go back and watch the several Wrestle-1 matches that I glazed over and deleted over the last year or so. Maybe there are other guys I would like. Maybe I need to watch the vanilla NOAH undercards and see what hidden gems they have. Maybe soeone someday will post some All Japan and I could check out their sketchy as hell undercard. Let's all start watching someohow EVEN MORE WRESTLING! It's like you freaks have girlfriends. And face it, that Golden Age of Television line was just a hype campaign to get you to get Hulu Plus! Anyhoos. Tajiri has aged into an awesome ring general and here he is fabulous dropping the knee on Kazma’s face. This is straight-up good, basic, stiff wrestling. I like Kazma’s submission where he puts his knee in Tajiri’s throat and pulls up on the back of Tajiri’s head. Then they do a Eudy-esque chinlock! You never see a rest hold anymore. I’m not saying that is good, it’s just weird in this day and age. You can see what it is good for, to slow things down so you can pace the match a little slower after a fast start. Or whatever. They walk around the building quickly and then go back into a chinlock. WRESTLING~! God, Kazma brings you back into the match by crushing Tajiri’s chest with a chop and then Tajiri hits all of his in-ring high-flying spots- your handspring into the ropes elbow thing, his ECW kicks and nice Crucifix. Kazma does odd offensive maneuvers for a two count and then just leans chin-first into a kick to the face. There is hi-jinx as Team Wrestle-1 takes on Tajiri and loses! Kazme uses his Wrestle-1 Muta spray and dives knees first into Tajiri’s chest for the win. ODD! But I approve! http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2xt1yf_tajiri-vs-kazma-sakamoto-wrestle-1_sport ********************* TOGI MAKABE vs TOMOHIRO ISHII- NEW JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- 7/5/2015- [RASMUSSEN]: I am a wrestling fan so I love Tomohiro Ishii. I am a Japanese wrestling fan so I seen a thousand Makabe matches and know that you never know what you will get. One would hope that there will at least be a modicum of these two beating the hell out of each other thus making it worth watching, at least. Makabe has the NEVAH~! TITLE~! I assume that they created the Never title for Ishii, sort of like Tully Blanchard had the NWA TV Title forever. It didn’t really matter who was holding the NWA TV Title, you knew it was Tully’s. Same with Ishii. Will he get it back? Can we hope? Can we pray? Yes, Billy, pray really hard! HOOK-EM UP! Ishii has the greatest look in the world on his face. It is the total Arn Anderson Business In The Ring Face. It’s the face that says you never want to end up hanging sheet rock or doing any roofing with this guy. You’d want to punch him in the face and bash him in the head with a 4x4, but you don’t because you’re afraid he would get up from it and you can’t quite plan past that. That’s what you want from your wrestling- real life applications. NEVER! Ishii starts off STRONG STYLE! That’s right, Strong Style! Lariat to the get the two count. GIVE HIM THE NEVER TITLE! Makabe reels out of the ring and Ishii does a crazy toprope rolling senton that Makabe completely pusses out of taking. Fuck Makabe. He sucks. (We’ll see if that changes as we go. ME LATER: Nope, he pretty much sucks.) GODDAM. Ishii OPTS to fucking kill Makabe with chops to the chest and then starts stomping on him. Makabe sells it like a guy who has just… been… uh, I dunno… popcorned and then tazered!~ To the chest! THE LINGO OF THE KIDS! LAST YEAR! Ishii hits a Vertical Suplex that Makabe kinda sells like Rick Steiner when Steiner would just kind of frown and shake his head. BUT THEN. THE BEGINNING. OF. THE HEAD BUTTS. Iishi calls Makabe a fucking pussy for not matching his STRONG STYLE and DESIRE FOR THE NEVER TITAL~! Makabe’s forearms are to Ishii’s as Makabe’s forearms are to Ishii’s. But they trade them anyway until Makabe hits a powerslam and then Makabe hits a very Lex Luger-y clothesline into the corner. Makabe’s punches are not better than either of the Ding-Dong’s punches. EITHER OF THEM. Ishii hits a crazy sloppy powerslam and we are all glad Makabe didn’t land on his neck wrong. Makabe takes chops to the chest and does a good Sting No-Selling Flair’s chops. THEN- AT 9:07 on the counter- MAKABE throws three punches that are SOMEHOW SHITTIERshittierSHITTIER than your average Abyss punch combined with your shittiest Ken Anderson punch. I AM NOT FUCKING EXAGERATING. GO LOOK! It would be funny if this was TNA but this is Japanese wrestling where you are supposed to lay it in. God. Dang. That just sucks. Come on, Ishii! Makabe is suddnely to the NEVER TITLE what David Arquette was to the WCW World Title. Ishii leaps into a Makabe lariat to make it look devastating in some form. Makabe hits Better Than Diesel Powerbomb, so we give him that. Yes, Togi, you will always have that. Ishii sells his horrible shoulder he has always had and will use as the psychology of the match when he is dealing with a quasi-load like Makabe. They trade lariats. Makabe’s look fine here. Ishii’s look way better and he is also still selling the shoulder- so yeah, there is psychology in Ishii’s work and ALSO Ishii hits a waaay better powerbomb. Ishii elbows and elbows and elbows until Makabe is in the corner and then they struggle and fight from the top until Ishii hits a fucking BEEYOOOOOTIFUUUUL toprope Vertical Suplex that Makabe takes like a KING. Makabe survives and transitions to offense by hitting a flash Samoan Drop that Ishii sells like a champ by immediately conveying that he lands directly on his shoulder. Ishii fights back with fucking NASTY elbows to the face. Makabe’s are far more Stevie Ray than Booker T in their stiffness. Ishii crumples to the mat from Makabe’s elbows and then fights to hit a German suplex but Ishii is fucking awesome because he is selling that he is already desperate and trying to survive. Its not easy to pull off but Ishii does it effortlessly here. Ishii’s offense- ALL OF IT- looks 500% more deadly than Makabe’s but Ishii has set the tone that his shoulder has equalized the difference. Thus the German Suplex that Makabe hits shows up on the face of Ishii as the re-opening of the old shoulder injury. Makabe misses the toprope thing and Ishii crushes him into the turnbuckle with a way close German Suplex. The ringside doctor checks him and he is a total babyface getting heat beaten into him. You saw Makabe’s punches, Ishii is a fucking genius at getting over Makabe’s hilarious offense. Ishii hits four lariats and Makabe kicks out of them and then fights out of and then reverses a brainbuster to drive Ishii’s shoulder into the top turnbuckle before hitting a fucking Now After Ishii Has Established The Shoulder Fucking Lethal Dragon Suplex. Ishii kicks out but it is truly all over but the shouting. Makabe just Mongolian Chops the bad shoulder and lariats him him directly into the shoulder in the corner and then clubs it in the corner. It is fucking nasty and awesome so lets hear it for Makabe for that. The doc is checking him while Makabe drags him to the top. Ishii clings for life to the ringpost before being ripped away and driven directly to the mat on his shoulder from the top. Makabe hits a superfluous toprope kneedrop to seal the win. Somehow, Ishii takes a very marginal wrestler and makes it a match of the year candidate. Tomohiro Ishii is motherfucking awesome. http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2x4oyp_togi-makabe-vs-tomohiro-ishii-in-new-japan-on-7-5-15_sport MONDAY: Prolly the JOSHI.

DEATH VALLEY DRIVERETTE 07152015 ~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~ Welcome to my motherfucking world! Let us begin, yet again- you and I- me an aging struggling depressed father of four, and you- the gentle reader. I will write every day until I sense that you are really sick of me- which is usually a few months. Until then, enjoy the comedy jokes about the pro wrestling. (DEAN RASMUSSEN) We shall start with a few SINGLES GOING STEADY! JAPANESE WOMEN PRO-WRESTLING PROJECT- 3/22/2015: AOI KIZUKI/ KAYOKO HARUYAMA vs COMMAND BOLSHOI/ KYOKO KIMURA: I haven’t been into Joshi Puroresu in (I counted the years the other day) about 15 years. There are a lot of Japanese women wrestlers whose entire careers have elapsed and I didn’t see a single one of their matches. My waning interest are for reasons understandable, but I can’t imagine that you would give a shit so let’s get right to the veiled masturbation jokes and thus get on with the rest of our lives. Anyway, I’ve been watching a lot of ladies wrestling lately and WAVE seems to have the matches that don’t seem like worn out old people remembering when they would draw bigger crowds. Actually, JWP running shows in a garage is what made me look away from the once proud Joshi Puroresu and not turn to look again until 2015. 23 Year vet Command Bolshoi (1) (whom I always assumed was CommandER Bolshoi until THIS VERY DAY) and the 38 year old Kyoko Kimura (whom I’ve watched in a couple of WAVE matches and dug quite a bit- as she isn't the best worker on earth but will lay it in. Laying it in is pretty much my wrestling characteristic that divides matches I will watch from matches I will no longer watch) take on the 26 year old Aoi Kizuki (2) (which is another thing that strikes in my personal JOURNEY! OF! LADY! WRESTLING! REDISCOVERY!- when Ice Ribbon first came out, goddamn was it the creepiest fucking thing on earth. 12 year old little girls training to be in the harshest and most violent thing you can do as a Japanese woman. I mean it was fucked up enough When GAEA GIRLS came out you saw what 16 year olds went through. The thing now is that you have this- Kizuki is 26 years old and has ten years of ring experience. Which is nothing really, Joshi now has 19 year olds with 5 years of experience. I mean, it’s Japan, so you roll with the weirdness but it also means that we SHOULD be on the cusp of a Joshi Golden Age. You have dozens of wrestlers who are just approaching their physical prime but who have already worked 150 matches. THUS, a fan of pro wrestling should definitely become re-engaged with Joshi- because even if a golden age doesn’t dawn, the reasons for it not dawning will be just as fascinating and educational.) Kayoko Haruyuma is 36 (3) and I have pretty much missed her entire career. Let’s watch, shall we? This is the finals of some tournament. The last time I saw a Bolshoi match I actually cared about was prolyl the Hikari Fukuoka match- because Hikari Fukuoka was very very pretty and also had the most preposterously awesomely ridiculously dangerous finisher- the Moonsault Stomp. I mean, come on. How can one ever predict where one would actually land? It was fascinating. Bolshoi took one of the nastiest Moonsault Stomps right to the rib cage. Actually, looking back in hindsight, EVERYBODY who took one took the nastiest. It was an insane finisher all around. I have footnoted the Fukuoka/Bolshoi nastiness as (4). Meanwhile, back here in the modern world, one notices that this is- Jesus Christ, this is prolly 40 minutes long! So. This will be one of those reviews like in the old days, where the wrestling reviewer would review a match, you would have no access or inkling of desire to watch said match- thus the review was the thing. Could the reviewer make the review interesting enough to make you glad you read it even though you will never see the match? I mean come on. If I wasn’t reviewing this, I would probably wait for one good forearm by Kyoko Kimura, throw it up on the Best Internet Matches of 2015 thread and get on with my life- like those IWRG lucha matches that are really good but go on forever and nobody has REALLY stuck with them to the end. Probably. If you stay to end, then good for you. I’ll eat a bug. But fuck it, I’m in it to win it. Kizuki has a strange 50s hairstyle and the other three are veterans- will it be enough to carry a viewer to the finish line? Well, I’m going find out. I’ll tell you how it goes. Kimura and Haruyama start it off and they do actually LAY IT IN. If not for this,this match would be dismissed out of hand in my psychotic world of wrestling viewing. Bolshoi comes in and actually beats on the youngish Kizuki and then goes into your basic 1995 New Japan Juniors pseudo-lucha surfboard variations. They do have to kill 30 minutes so I could see this, I suppose. Kimura comes in and fishhooks the perky Kizuki while Bolshoi surfboards her and then they keep pinching her cheeks- as if to say, “Yeah yeah yeah, your young and spunky. Go fuck yourself.” Kazuki is impressive and will take an assbeating- as Bolshoi does a first rope Tarantula and then just stomps on her back in the middle of the ring. Kizuki does the OLD SCHOOL Tony Atlas two finger Mongolian chops to the trapezius muscles baby face COMEBACK~!before getting cut off by Kimura. Kimura stomps on Kizuki all the way to the floor and they brawl on the floor and my love- for Kimura- and her oldness- that makes her assholishness justified- grows. Kizuki sells the continued assbeating like a champ- rolling around in pain and finally rolling over to tag in Haruyama, who appears to have grown into her womanliness so she has a little more heft to her punches and kicks. Bolshoi still has the girth of her teenage frame so it looks hurtier when the larger Kizuki and womanly larger Haruyama crash into in the corner and land on the teeny clown in the middle of the ring. Kizuki looks good on offense. She’ll knee you in the stomach with authority. After 25 years, I still don’t really buy Bolshoi on offense- but it isn’t annoying like it was in 1995. Damn, Kizuki will bring all of her girl chub raining down on wee Bolshoi with a toprope senton, an impressive looking mave that I would have liked Bolshoi- the oldest wrestler in the ring- to have actually sold a little. Kimura beats on Kizuki a bit, continuing to work on the back until Haruyama makes the save and Kizuki hoistes and catapults Harumi’s largerness onto a prone Kimura and that had to suck. After a few nearfalls, we move into Haruyama and Kimura doing a submission section and it is really strong style as Harayuma sand bags Kimura’s attempt to suplex out of choke. Fuck yeah, I’ll take that. Then they start beating on each other and suddenly it’s Yuji Okabayashi punching Kohei Sato in the face. And this gets real good. Kimura then sinks a rear choke en lieu of a front choke and Haruyama has to fight for the rope break. If you are going long and have to fill time with superfluous mat work, this is good way to go about it- good psychology on the two chokes and good execution of beating the hell out of each other. The more you watch the other three lay it in, the less you want to see the junior heavyweight moveset of Bolshoi. Haryuyama sells her beating like an angry yet worn out older lady and her offense is compelling because of this- thus you back her lariats for a two count hundred per cent. I’m not an asshole and saying that Haruyama is fat, I’m saying that she is 36 and has grown into her body frame and carries her weight like you want a wrestler to carry it. She does a leg drop off the top and it feels like it actually hurts when you see it drop- as opposed to, say, Kiari Hojo’s far more spectacular toprope elbow drop- which looks like it hurts because she would HAVE to do all of the gymnastic histrionics to make it actually hurt because she appears to weigh 91 pounds. Haryuama has the size that would make it appear that she was going to legit kill someone if she got completely horizontal in midair and crashed down on the clavicle of an opponent. It’s the difference between your local 180 pound indie guy dropping an elbow and Greg the Hammer Valentine dropping an elbow. They start beating on Haruyama and she is really good at selling the damage- even to the point of not being able to make a cover after TRANSITIONING~! to offence. Which she does with a really nasty looking Air Raid Crash (as we used to call it back in the day) and then hits a fucking nasty top rope leg lariat. It’s really cool to watch Haruyama completely take over the match, set the pace and make the timing of the lariat make it look as nasty as possible- as she crushes Kimura and gets the 3 count. Man, that was pretty good and it makes me wonder what they do for the other 19 minutes. So yeah, YOU COULD ACTUALLY WATCH THIS! It’s only like 25 minutes and Haruyama is really impressive in this. Kinda makes me wish that the first match I see of hers wasn’t 17 years into her career. WORD~! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4wc_-WNRys ---------------------------------------- Your (actual!) Footnotes: (1) http://www.cagematch.net/?id=2&nr=4803&name=Command+Bolshoi (2) http://www.cagematch.net/?id=2&nr=6020&name=Aoi+Kizuki (3) http://www.cagematch.net/?id=2&nr=4897&name=Kayoko+Haruyama (4) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9Sq8Eu8J6M TOMORROW: Stuff! Prolly Hino and that K-Dojo card that just showed up.

DEATH VALLEY DRIVERETTE 07162015 ~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~ More! I felt like watching more lucha libre. It's all about how I feel. Feelings! Nothing moooooore than feeeeelings! Trying to foooorget myyyy feeeelllings of loooooove.... (DEAN RASMUSSEN) -------------------- SINGLES GOING STEADY! $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ CONSEIL MONDAIL DE LUCHA LIBRE (or whatever it is)- 6/26/2015- BLUE PANTHER/ SUPER PORKY/ TITAN vs KRANEO/ OLIMPICO/ RIPPER: I love Kraneo. He used to be Mascara Sagrada or he devoured the body of Mascara Sagrada and thus got the right to assume his identity. It's Mexico, they have a lot of weird rules about wrestling. Either way, he’s a big fat guy who does truly painful moves and will land on a technico with total splatty fatness and you, the viewing get to laugh at the agony of the fit athletic technico who was crushed by a guy who weigh's more that his refrigerator. I also like Mije, his mini sidekick. I like him because he’s not there to be a koala-like adorable mascot for the kids to love, Mije is true sinister evil in an adorable teeny outfit. He’ll headbutt you in the teeth and laugh as he hides behind his gargantuan patriarch. Here, our boy Kraneo is tagged with the perfectly forgettable Olimpico and the even more nothingness of Ripper. Maybe they do interesting things in a match but I can never pay attention enough to notice- as I am spending the whole time they are wrestling waiting for Kraneo to tag in. I mean, you know, nice armdrag, Ripper. Kraneo weighs 400 pounds and will land on you like a tree branch falling through your living room ceiling. Tag out. They take on Titan, who I also like in way that may not include me not being able to pick out which one is Titan if he is in with wrestlers with similar masks. He does that Matrix thing, right? No? Yes? We’ll move on. Blue Panther is in this match, and I assume he will do some interesting mat things with Olimpico and Ripper but I will spend the whole time saying, “Good keylock, guys. You know Kraneo is really fat and will hit a tope that will be akin to an elderly driver killing 14 people at a farmer’s market. Let’s wrap this section up.” Meanwhile, Super Porky is also fat but in a Honeymooners kind of hilarious way, not a guy who used to be tall but put on a bunch of weight and is now completely out of control in a "no longer gives a shit about you, his own horrible life and this whole fucking stupid world" kind of way. It's cathartic and one of the reasons YOU get wrestling and all the other people in your life are fucking idiots. Thus why I am excited about Kraneo and not excited about Super Porky in the ring- unless you get our Brazo in with Rey Escorpion and they want to make you wonder if it’s suddenly not a work anymore because of the ridiculous level of real violence you are witnessing. But that was yesterday. This match is all about Blue Panther and Olimpico taking it to the mat. My reaction was predicted above. Titan and Ripper are actually pretty fun on the mat and I did not predict that. THEN. SUDDENLY. IT’S…. FAT ON FAT! Kraneo is getting a real Mabel vibe to his body shape. He is also getting a real WWE Diva Implants vibe about his hefty manly jugs. This can only lead to more depression and more midnight trips to Krispy Kreme- thus the circle continues. The first fall is finished off with basic pedestrian first caida rudo crappiness- listless half-ass finishers, perfunctory roll-ups, you know the first fall drill these days. Let us breath deep, accept the reality of the situation and wonder and wait for Mije to make our lives a little better. The Segunda Caida ring girl is a stunning red head and young enough to be my third oldest daughter. I weep into the night about my wasted life and comtemplate going Full Kraneo into my 50s. Then I remember that fried chicken hurts my stomach now. I couldn't gain weight now if I wanted to. I haven't had a significant amount of beer in me in like 12 years now. Hey, maybe I got a shot with this CMLL ring girl. The problem here, is the same thing I tell my wife when we talk about things- even if I WASN'T repellent, I simply don't have the ENERGY. So, Enough of that. Second Caida involves Olimpico dancing to segue into Kraneo and Mije crushing the road worn junk of the aging Blue Panther. Our spirits are lifted and we remember why we love the pro wrestling and especially the Mexican pro wrestling. Jerks who don’t watch Mexican wrestling have the weight of the world bear down on them and crush them. We few, we lucky few, who watch the lucha libre can have our spirits lifted by a colorfully dressed 3 foot nam crushing the balls of another man of normal size. Take that to the bank. The life experience bank! YES! The second caida TURNS on Ripper and rudo company trying to Super Bomb (awwww, the Pitbulls. Frowning face of understanding and pity.) Titan who (eventually) ranas out of it and gets the pin on Ripper- which is a lot more impressive in slow motion. We start the third fall with Titan monkey flipping Kraneo gigantic ass onto the ramp section. Kraneo falling through the earth would be less of a surprise than the ramp holding him, but we squelch our wonder. Titan attempts to run and shove his entire head up Kraneo’s ass. It is baffling and so quick that you might miss it. Olimpico and Super Porky begin the procession of things that lead to Super Porky placing his gigantic ass on rudos. His use of fatness to crush folks is impressive as he splashes groin first into the pile of evil. Titan and Ripper go all strong style! And then they do flying back breakers! And they flip around and stuff! Titan does the handstand sequence into a headscissors thing that I had confused with the Matrix stuff- or maybe he does both or maybe they need technicos that don’t all blur into one big wad of perfectly fine highflier who is pretty good on the mat but does nothing to really make you remember any of them. And on and on and on and on until KRANEO FINALLY comes in and crushes Titan with waistline busting leg drops. Titan some how uses Kraneo’s weight against and hits the Swollen Can of Ham Small Package. Kraneo crushes poor Blue Panther’s skull with his gigantic fat ass by run into it in the corner- THUS allowing Ripper and Kraneo to Double Vertically Suplex Super Porky to allow Ripper to hit a frog splash for the win. Mije is ecstatic which makes you feel better and everything is right with the world. The one thing I took away from this match was that Kraneo didn't do much this outing and Super Porky did way more than I remember him usually doing. I mean that a big back bump for a man his age much less his size. So here’s to you Brazo de Plata. I am unwriting you off. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!CMLL- 6/29/2015- DRAGON LEE/ STIGMA/ TRITON vs BOBY ZAVALA/ KAMAITACHI/ OKUMURA: Dragon Lee is Mistico II’s brother and is also Rush’s brother- so it is one of my favorite lucha bunches of brothers. Stigma is mixed in with the other thousand CMLL technicos that I would have to pay a lot more attention to tell apart. I remember liking Triton but I can’t actually pinpoint why. I think he had the suplex hold finisher that I thought was pretty slick or something. Maybe he did the Matrix thing. Who knows? Anyway, Okamura is one of my favorite rudos- lays it in, always in position, good psychology- everything you want in a wrestling. Zavala is also really good for the same reasons- looking all the world like Joe Lider’s clean cut non-garbage wrestling brother. Jesus, I just looked up Boby Zavala in Wikipedia- 1) I have spelled his name wrong every single time I ever spelled it until five minutes ago, 2) he does not appear to be Joe Lider’s brother no matter how much that would have ruled in a story-telling way, 3) he is only 24 years old! Wow, he debuted when he was 16 years old. Most kids cut grass or work the drive through. Further Wikipedia reading informs one that Kamaitachi lost his mask to Dragon Lee! How did I gloss over that? Oh right! There is a lot of wrestling in the world and I can't keep up with everything. I got four kids, two dogs, three cats and an angry wife. Plus the CFL is in swing and VCU players are in the NBA summer league and- whoa!- Marcus Thorton from William and Mary is really lighting it up for the Celtics this summer. Plus I work nine hours a day. What do you want from me? Oh right, to pay fucking attention to matches of note. I'll work on that. Anyway. Here it is: That should add a layer of intrigue to this match, one would think. So let’s get on with it. Triton and Kamaitachi start the proceedings with Kamaitachi taking a cue from Nakamura and being all elaborate and emotional in his assholishness. Okamura stomps on Dragon Lee and Kamaitachi beats on him FOR TAKING HIS MASK~! HE TOOK HIS MASK! BACK IN MARCH! Zavala lays in the chops and the kicks to the face and you can see why he is in with the Japanese contingent- as he will also lay it in. He crushes Stigma’s testicles in that way that doesn’t get called illegal in Mexico to my eternal embafflement. Okamura DDTs Triton for the first fall and we await the array of highflying to take up the body of the second fall, one supposes. En lieu of highflying, Kamitachi tries to rip off Dragon Lee’s mask because HE TOOK HIS MASK! I LINKED TO IT UP THERE! BACKSTORY, MOTHERFUCKER! They then armdrag Dragon Lee into the ring on a dead run. Continuing on, the second fall is rudos being evil and crushing more of the groin of Triton. Okumura goes old school with the jaw breaker to set up to allow Zavala to rip the eye of Triton’s mask! Because Rudos Do THAT! Then they kick Stigma a bunch and then Kamiatachi kicks him dead in the face and I weep at the innate beauty of him kicking that guy in the face. So they stomp on Dragon Lee and Kamaitachi tries to exact REVENGE~! But dropkicks fly everywhere to save the technicos and Triton hits a really nice cross-body to set up his really nice standing rana. It appearsd to be basic in-ring high-flying! Let’s bring it back! Like Angel Azteca back in the day! Third fall starts with Dragon Lee making Kamaitachi his bitch a second time by landing a mile high dropkick into the corner. Kamaitachi says crawls out of the ring and is followed up the ramp by Dragon Lee who taunts him to FIGHT LIKE A MAN! Kama, being a rudo, gestures for the young technico to go fuck himself. Yes, my love for rudo Kamaitachi is growing more and more each day. Meanwhile, to my delight and surprise, Triton does some super-slick in-ring high-flying that Okumaura rudos to perfection, by being where he is supposed to be and leaning into the flipping and flying like a KING- and I dig this match for the weirdest reasons. Dragon Lee and Kamaitachi start finally beating the hell out of each other and it’s pretty great. Kamaitachi hits the Through The Ropes Shoulder To The Post Bump because Kamaitachi is fucking awesome. Triton hits the beyootiful Asai Moonsault and crushes Okamura flat. Triton hits the crazy bounce off the middle rope somehow tope con hilo. MEANWHILE. KAMAITACHI. Having learned the WAY of the rudo, comes one step closer to mastering it by ripping off Dragon Lee’s mask when the ref isn’t looking and rolling him up for the 1-2-3!~! REVENGE! IT IS REVENGE~! We want BLOOD! So yeah, this was good. TOMORROW: That K-DOJO THING! Unless I am DRAWN to the WAVE stuff that popped up today.

DRIVERETTE 11072014 I'm going to BEGIN the real time onslaught upon my Watch Later list- as I have finally noticed that there is a shuffle setting that will make me shove my eyes straight into the stark raving nudity of my bloated list of unwatched wrestling. Yess.. Yes. YOU! YOU SHOULD BEHOLD! BEHOLD THE PRO WRESTLING~! YEssssssss, BEHOLD, THE PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING~! @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@SINGLES ################GOING $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$STEADY ------------------------------------- $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ DEAN ALLMARK vs HARLEM BRAVADO- ALL STAR WRESTLING- 7/29/2014: Oh fuck yes. The Bravados went to Japan and suddenly they were no longer HILARIOUS~! but all stiff and nasty. And here they are invading the realm of motherfuckin' DVDVRMB Beloved Dean fucking Allmark. Harlem is proud to be an America- where at least he knows he's free- something something something died for he- and he'll proudly stand up something and something something... you know, that Lee Greenwood song. The British fans are jerks and hate the US and our good-lookin' wrestlers we send over to scare the men and love the British ladies. JERKS! All we yanks wanna do is love on your ladies! Then immediately fly back the US and never talk to them again! Look at the upside, at night, while you all are flailing around, trying to please your lady love, she can close her eyes and remember the hot loving she received from the real SEXY American man that ended up with her one night. YOU CAN STILL ROCK IN AMERICA, MOTHERFUCKERS!! Ooo, that was fun. Anyway, WOW! this is 22 minutes. Let's watch, shall we? The Bravados sing THE National Anthem after requesting that everyone stand up and put their hands over their hearts but it's dark so I can't tell if the crowd does or not. I wept with patriotic fervor. Harlem doesn't hit all the notes with his mouth BUT HITS THEM WITH HIS HEART! The jerk brits are in love with Deano even after us saving y'alls bacon in World War 2 and shit. All Star Wrestling is fucking awesome. Bravado starts a U-S-A chant and I chant to myself in my head. They lock up and I note that Harlem towers over Deano and the Bravado boy has been beefing up. Deano is such a great babyface and the crowd is so into his spindling of the fine American wrist of Harlem Bravado. Harlem does a great wad of stalling after the leg drop to the wrist and draws Deano in and gets the advantage and starts giving Deano the bizness. Allmark counters out of wristlock- which I think they only do in England now- and they do a really great 1970s studio wrestling opening segment on the mat in front of the only fans that would be rabid for this, in this day and age. All Star is fucking awesome. They morph into the in-ring low-intensity high-flying and Allmark goes back to the wrist. Allmark cuts off all offense of Harlem with deep armdrags- just like Ricky Steamboat would cut off Bill White in 1977. This is great stuff. Harlem with the ten-punch counter via a Hotshot across the top ropes which drags this match into the mid-1980s. Harlem drops a leg across the throat as Allmark hangs over the apron. Allmark makes with the European Uppercut hope spot but Bravado keeps cutting him off with low-grade evil offense up until Allmark counters a sleeper counter until getting jawbreakered and THUS is sleeper countered back into a THIRD sleeper but with Harlem actually getting him off his vertical base and sleepering him onto the mat. Allmark getting the crowd behind him as he goes from the mat to his vertical base to shooting Harlem into the ropes was EXACTLY like Dusty Rhodes did every time I ever saw him wrestle live at the Richmond Coliseum. Allmark goes all WCW-era Silver King with assorted in-ring lucha spots as they head into the finish. Deano sets up Harlem for a MORTAL~! but the other Bravado grabs Allmark and gives the young Brit a good All American Talkin to! Harlem Bravado, being a great American, wins with the greatest wrestling hold in American Wrestling Evildom- yes, comrades, the Schoolboy With a Handfull Of Tights. GOD BLESS THE USA. FIFTY MOTHERFUCKING STARS AND 13 MOTHERFUCKING STRIPES! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ KOHEI SATO/ SHUJI ISHIKAWA vs TSUTOMU OSUGI/ HERCULES SENGA- BIG JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- 11/6/2014: MuttonandTheHam somehow got the whole card of yesterday's Big Japan show- so YEEHAW THE INTERNET~! The first match is the good-lookin assorted Yapper Men who make up the Speed Of Sounds. Sato and Ishikawa are going to beat the fuck out of them, I'm assuming. I'm very excited. I wonder how much of this whole card I can watch after the actual wrestling ends and the death matches kick in. Senga wrote his name on his paunts so I can tell these Speed Of Sounds guys apart. Ishikawa towers over both but REALLY towers over Oosugi THUS the SoS guys use highflying as a weapon- utilizing the double tope suicida straight out the gate to get a few minutes respite from the impending ass-stomping. Ishikawa and Sato are good rudos and kill a few fans in the first two rows as they are crushed by the tiny babyfaces. Ishikawa cuts the merry proceedings short by flattening the little fellas with full Mil Mascaras Fatboy flying body press, signally the Beginning Of The Beating Of The Tiny Folk. Ooosooogi is game, going straight up to Kohei Sato and elbowing him in the face three times. I would only do that if I were throwing them from a speeding car. Kohei responds by crushing his head and blasting his lungs out of the front of his chest. And then slamming him really hard so Ishikawa can twist his skull around in impossible directions. That match is pretty great. Sato and Ishikawa will beat some heat onto a babyface. Oosouoogi receives a Sato Giant Swing because the wrestling gods hate Speed of Sounds and are letting Sato wrestle whimsical wrestling spots betwixt punching the fuck out of these little fellas. I await the Shuji Ishikawa Skytwister Press. Ishikawa does a Kevin Sullivan stomach stomp and I'm guessing Speed of Sound double teamed Ishikawa's grandma in a non-wrestling fashion at some point or something. Sato misses a shoulderblock into the corner and Oosugi makes the hot tag and Senga does the great You Gotta WANT IT Swinging DDT on the gigantic Sato and it is a great day for 5'2" wrestlers everywhere. Ishikawa decides to cut of the Little Guy Joy Fountain and crush Senga with a Clubbing Forearm. Senga uses youth, speed and agility to not immediately die but Ishikawa seems to be over the youthful exuberence shit and double stomps Senga off the second rope. Senga escapes the powerbomb but Osugi gets the PRIVILEGE of getting slaughterized by a Ishikawa lariat in the corner. Jesus, Ishikawa will fucking kill a motherfucker with a lariat. Ishikawa then does that thing he does every match where he sells giant wads of bayface offense because he's a professional and shit and wants these little folks to look good before he fucking just fucking KILLS Osugi with a powerbomb. I mean FUCKING DESTROYS Osugi with a powerbomb. More fun-loving than ass-beating, but who doesn't love fun. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SpJXfjOeHIk MONDAYish: More of this Big Japan Card. YEAH DADDY!

DRIVERETTE 1152014 I've been really busy AFTER running out of any wrestling that I wanted to watch, so actually the busy section led a dual purpose- letting me get stuff done at work, and also allowing me to regather the energy to go on the never-ending search for wrestling that I would dig. So yeah, BEHOLD THE PRO WRESTLING! YEssssssss, BEHOLD, THE PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING! @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@SINGLES ################GOING $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$STEADY ------------------------------------- $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ VIRUS vs FUEGO- CMLL- 6/15/2014: Jiminy Crickets, my Youtube Watch Later list has bloated up like a tick on Phil Rippa's giant neck. I'm up to like 330 matches that passed the initial "save/another fucking 3-way in fucking 2014?/Jesus, another mixed gender indie match/ NOAH undercard, eh? Just how much do I hate myself?" test. So fuck it, I'll start again with Virus, because he is awesome and I like awesome wrestling! Fuego dances with the busty young ladies at ringside and is sporting the Macho Man Randy Savage tassled jacket so there is already a lot to love in this match. Virus has the belt and strolls casually past the ladies in the tiny pants. He has no time for ladies, only BUSINESS. The belt is pretty great- what with the flags of Canada and Great Britain and stuff. My gard, the ring gals are punishing my tiny aged heart. Luckily the wrestlers lock up in the ring and I can breath easy. They start with Virus working a headlock into a kneelock- as I note that this just might go 30 minutes. Fuego does a nice lucha takedown and I am locking into the groove of this match. Virus makes with the half-Nelson and the quarter-Nelson that Fuego counters out of and it's all lowgrade but pretty nasty looking- leading into some really nice submission sequences. Virus works the shoulder, Fuego counters and then Virus counters and so on. Just when I figure I'm going to have to start liking this as a heatless title match, they start beating the hell out of each other. I'm guessing because Virus is fucking awesome and it is at the point wher a fucking awesome wrestler would do something to begin making the match awesome, this is the reason Virus does this. Fuego is all agile and nifty in the ring, countering the rudo onslaught that Virus unleashes (one should note that Fuego leans into the kicks to the face and shoulderblock like a champ). They hit a series of in-ring roll-ups and counters that are beautiful in a primera caida lowgrade way to lead into the truly sweet 5 step lucha submission that Virus sinks in. That was a quality title match first fall. SHOW ME SOMETHING I CAN'T DO! And they do that in the first caida and it is smooth and beginning to be touch upon the unearthly in its lucha grace. The second fall starts with Virus using his rough tactics that aren't actual cheating to wear down the technico. He works the knee and Fuego has to crawl for the rop break with Virus then going completely Ric Flair on him, stomping the knee joint, leaning into the kneelock, forcing second rope break on a Step-Over Toehold Front Facelock. After taking out a wheel, Virus goes into the corner and Fuego counters a corner lariat and does the really cool thing of attacking Virus with the same intensity of violence as a rudo and then- once ahead, he rolls through to a fucking beautiful 3 step lucha surfboard to take the fall. Man, this is what you would call "old school" if "old school" still meant anything. Let's just say that this is a good take on the structure of a classic lucha libre title match. Third fall stays on the mat until Fuego starts dropping elbows and legdrops. Virus is awesome staying patient and trying to get the advantage while setting up all of Fuego's in-ring spots. After assorted counters to Virus attempting to get on offense, Virus bumps through the ropes to the floor to set up Fuego's fucking beautiful Actual Tope, with Virus slamming into the rail to let the audience know that he would have definately slaughtered entire families in the first three rows if this was 1986 and there was no guard rail. Fuego makes with the Northern Lights Suplex and follows up with a total Greg Valentine Lateral Suplex and it's not looking good for the champion. Fuego goes up top and hits a full fat landing Love Machine Splash and its a two count that Virus survives, allowing them to start smacking each other to set up Virus with the toprope Frankensteiner. Folks probably already realize that pretty much nobody puts a match together as well as Virus does. the slow build, the deep psychology mixed in with the right time to jazz things up when they get too plodding. Also note that Virus has the best Toprope Elbow in wrestling and he decapitates Fuego with it. Fuego survives the ensuing Suplex and two count and they start the finish by doing some desperation roll-ups and roll-up counters. Virus drags Fuego to the top and hits a super preposterous flying body vice rana that is AWWWEOSME. This leads up to some wildly desperate roll-ups by Fuego to set up the motherfucking BEAUTIFUL nine step roll-up into three submission variations. Goddam, Virus is a fucking master and Fuego was up to the task. ZILLION STARS. TOMORROW: I will watch wrestling and hopefully write about it! YESS!

DRIVERETTE 1012014 I consider it a challenge towards the whole human race. Though I do lose quite a bit. Here we go. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@SINGLES ##############################GOING $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$STEADY ------------------------------------- !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MR TOMO vs RASCAL FUJIWARA- PRO WRESTLING SHI-EN- 6/1/2014: I should just review all 46 PW Shi-En matches that sit in my Watch Later list month after month, growing tired and scared, wondering if they will ever be watched. Today is your lucky day, one match from the stack! Do your mat magic, Mr Tomo! PWS sets up the ring in the middle of a pedestrian mall. I'm guessing- I don't see a Panera Bread or anything- and how awesome would it be for Mr Tomo to powerbomb Rascal through a sunglasses kiosk. Mr Tomo is awesome because he wrote his name down the leg of his pants, thus allowing me to skip the tedious search on the PWS site for his picture. He's right there! Whip ass! Rascal kicks him in the head alot. Oh geez, Rascal isn't afraid to smack a forearm into the teeth of the beloved DVDVR favorite- Mr Tomo. Mr Tomo rewards our love and admiration of writing his name on his pants by delivering the most indie of indie things: Over rotating on a sidewalk slam and driving Rascal directly onto the point of his shoulder. Ah, is it really an indie if someone doesn't land on their shoulder all wrong? Mr Tomo also really gets psyched playing it big when procuring the chinlock. It's kinda like what you loved so much about the WOW trainees back in the day. Becky the Farmer's daughter didn't have any offense to speak of but she really got into the three dropkick variations she could pull off. Tomo is like with his 68 kicks to the back and stomach. His offence goes from A to B, but he is playing to the back of the room with his kicks to the stomach. Rascal is flashier- hitting a really nice somersault into the corner and a really nice snap suplex. They trade really nasty looking forearms in the middle of the ring (especially considering how really basic the offense has been) that Mr Tomo wins by hitting the sweet old school Vertical Suplex for two. They do some nearfalls and you really suspect that these two would not be out of place wrestling 7 times in two days in Orlando putting over Ciclope and Galaxy in 1998. Rascal's finisher is pretty fucking great- a superstiff running elbow to the face. Total World Wide Point. I remember now why I watch Shi-en Pro. ******************* LUDARK SHAITAN vs LA MAGNIFICA- XTREME WARRIORS COATEPEC- 5/31/2014: I follow the career of the Mexican deathmatch youngster and Silver King niece or trainee or something- Ludark Shaitan. She's not afraid to wrestle in the sketchiest buildings in Mexico and post the results on the internet. So here we are. I know I've seen La Magnifica but God knows where. Ooo, it's a cage match. La Magnifica looks like a lady trying to pass herself off as Marty Jannetty in 1987- which is pretty awesome when you think about it. Ludark Shaitan dressed for a cage with the blue jeans and white t-shirt- sorta like a really hot Mexican chick dressing up as Atsushi Onita. The ample crowd starts a "LOO-DARK" chant as she begins her first ascent to the top of the cage- but crashes to the mat when La Magnifico catches up to her. She tops it off with a very nice powerbomb of the Ludark Shaitan. They punch each other in the face and you can't really tell how good they are because the cameraman is filming this like he has been stabbed in the back. They do a lot of those 90s ECW shitty chair spots that ruined Tijuana Lucha for a long time- so it's pretty hard to watch for a variety of reasons. There is a pretty nasty second rope Spanish Fly which I don't recall ever seeing. Ludark hits a nice running powerslam to get enough time to get to the top. Then she does an awesome Ode To Brandie Chastain and takes off her shirt and throws it into the audience- which is fucking AWESOME! WOO-HOO! After hitting the floor, there is some kind of pull apart with more chairs and stuff. Watch this more for the ambience than the actual match- as you have to wonder what the crowd to this match gets up to after the main event and they hit the streets. And also watch because of the Sudden Sports Bra Moment! MEX-I-CO! MEX-I-CO! MEX-I-CO! WOO-HOO! @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ THE SAMOAN BEAST vs ALEX REIGNS- REALITY OF WRESTLING- 6/2014?: Booker T owns a promotion in Houston and I always mean to get around to watching it. I start with this! Stevie Ray accompanies the Samoan Beast and I join you hoping for the RETURN of the word FROOTBOOTY!! Samoan Beast is a fat boy- but an athletic fatboy. Let us look him up at cagematch.de. Wow, he's 40 years old. He's 6' 5" and 370 lbs. Alex Reigns is from Houston and is 27 years old. And Reality of Wrestling has been around since 2006. I need read the Internet Wrestling Community more. Reigns attacks his behemoth opponent early. Oh man, this is definately Booker T's deal because they work stiff as fuck. Reigns gets in some stuff until the Samoan Beast fucking crushes him with a fatboy Backdrop Driver. Then he procures the Samaon Nerve Pinch. I haven't seen a nerve pinch in forever. Reigns gets in some more but the Beast hits a fucking NASTY FULL FATNESS Samaon Drop where he actually drives his shoulders through Reigns when he hits the mat. Reigns grabs the ref's arm to stop the count. The Beast hits ANOTHER. This one just as fucking gnarley. Reigns crawls out of the ring and the Beast hits ANOTHER on the floor- but luckily it wasn't the full Samoan Drop that he does in the ring. GOTT DAM. Watch those Samoan Drops. Maaaaan. Squashy and beautiful. No frootbooty though... ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ DARRELL ALLEN vs RAMPAGE BROWN- 8/30/2014- IPW:UK: God, looking up this match on Cagematch.de makes one realize that there are a thousand Rampage Brown matches that haven't hit the internet yet. This is the final of a tournament in the hilariously named town of Snodland, Kent. Your ring announcer is a quite striking young lady who is old enough to be my older niece. I am ever so old and get reminded of that at moments like this. Darrell Allen I don't believe I've seen before; he is 5'7" and 167 pounds. I assume Rampage will destroy him at some point. Or maybe he will destroy him early. Brown establishes that he is far more powerful by flinging Allen around when they try to lock up. Allen uses the technique of of slapping him in the face like a little bitch to get Rampage to chase him! So they take it to the floor and- after so nice clubbing forearms by Allen- Rampage throws Allen through a row of chairs. The crowd is squarely behind Rampage- which is strange because Allen is 5'7. 167 and has a bad shoulder- so it's funny that they just get irritated at Allen's offence and comeback and cheer when Rampage fucking annihilates him with a clothesline. Rampage beats on him around the ring to lead up to a sweet elbow drop. Rampage then take Psicosis shoulder bump through the ropes to the post to the floor allowing the evil tiny guy to get some meaningful offense in- though it pretty much adds up to ten crappier forearms and some stomps that he doesn't lean into, leading up to nothing in particular. He does a cravate to allow the crowd to start a RAMPAGE chant and Allen FINALLY embraces his role as diminutive heel and yells at the crowd. Rampage continues selling the 90-US-Indies-level comically light offense of Allen. God, it just kinda goes on. Man, after 8 minutes of Rampage selling the non-assbeating, the crowd pops for Brown's dropkick and I freak out to his Powerbomb. Allen goes back on offense after hitting a spinning savate kick after fighting out of a Brainbuster with a roll-up and then a Cobra Clutch and then a ref bump and then a visual pin? Does Darrell Allen own this promotion? Then! A Rampage lariat and visual pin and then the ref wakes while Rampage a camel clutch. and then it cuts off. I think there is two more falls but I don't think I want to see them if they suck as much ass as this 18 minutes. Yoi. That wasn't good. No. Not at all TOMORROW: That Thatcher match that Schneider has recommended to me. He knows what I like.

DRIVERETTE 9292014 Okay, so a couple of days ruins the 1000 straight days so we begin again! It's like we will live forever! Oh shit, looking at the line-up may be a little punishing. Hopefully it will be a gift to us- to inspire us to look at shitty Japanese indie wrestling in a humourous and interesting way. Either, we got the lucha match and then we bull through. Ain't nothing to it but to do it. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@SINGLES ##############################GOING $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$STEADY ------------------------------------- !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOMBRE BALA JR/ PEGASSO/ STIGMA vs CANCERBERO/ RAZIEL/ SANGRE AZTECA- CMLL- 5/3/2014: How many times does Pegasso wrestle at one CMLL taping- or was this in a town later that day two hours down the road? Eh, it's just Pegasso. (HA! I kid the perfectly fine high-flying technico.) The Cancerbero Variations are one of my favorite wads of rudos, and that's why this match survived so many purges- but sometimes you gotta wait out one's Lucha Libre Ennui until you remember why you love Lucha Libre and can get all dialed in to the style. I'm dialed in and this is a basic CMLL mid-card match with the rudos being bastards and technicos bouncing them around the ring in elaborate rope-running sequences- all using the first fall to show the audience that they are professional standard wrestlers who can do many, many things that people in the audience can't do- which people forget about these days. And five days later we return. Ooo, Pegasso isn't afraid to whip out a slick and suave inside roll-up and then hit a sweet From-The Toprope Frankensteiner. Sangre Azteca bumps all over for the perfectly fine Hombre Bala Jr. Luckily, Raziel and Cancerbero cheat and grab Bala and throw him to the ground. Azteca runs from the corner and STOMPS THE HAUNCHES of Hombre Bala Jr. You, the tender and beloved reader, had been wondering- to yourself, "I don't know, Mr Rasmunson. I have always loved wrestling from Mexico- what with the masks, and the highflying and the capes and the blood and the beating of midgets (I'm sorry- little people). It's just not bringing the joy and wonderment that it once brought. To me." "I know how you feel," I shot back with an air of experience and patience. "The days when I could watch Galavision wrestling with my sons and lock into the groove of CMLL midcard wrestling is a fading memory. My soul truly weeps every Saturday afternoon- another Saturday afternoon without Psycho Circus and Dencis taking it to the mat. But what if I told you that you could fall in love with Lucha Libre all over again?" "Come on, old man! Don't taunt me! My insides are hurting! You fucking BASTARD! God. WHAT is WRONG with you?" "Come on, my brother, I would not promise you something and not deliver (probably). What if I said it involved haunches." "I'm listening." "What if I said it involved Haunch Stomping?" "NO WAY!" "YOU will LOOK at the GLORY of HAUNCH-STOMPING!" "HOLY FUCK! I watched the YouTube match that you were reviewing and there was haunches being STOMPED! HOLY FUCK YES!" "Fuck yes indeed." We turn from each other in a manly way, our verile gazes swinging widely to the multitude of ladies trying to capture our eye(s). We are plunged in the cleansing flood of haunch stomping. I am brand new. You are brand new. It wasn't really that great of a spot. Anyway, Raziel mauls Stigma and Cancerbero crushes Pegasso with a lariat to the back of the head and the back-kicking and then TOPROPE HAUNCH-STOMPING! FOR THE PIN! Hell yes! The crowd enjoys the rudo variations on crashing into the haunches of the technicos and the crowd shows its appreciation by screaming expletives at the technicos, it appears. Segunda Caida begins with our rudos just smacking the fuck out of the technicos. It's pretty great. Cancerbero Squads are really great at beating the shit out of folks. It's why you watch the Lucha Libre. Beat some heat on those good-lookin' Mexican fellas. Pegasso eventually fights through getting the hell smacked out of him and gets in a quick roll up on the rudo captain and we have a Second Fall over pretty quickly. Stigma and Bala hit just TRULY spectacular highspots to set it all up. This match is pretty great from both ends of the good-evil spectrum. Third fall is rudos bumping and not being to handle the technically superior offence of the technicos! Pegasso hits the SUPER SWEET Angel Azteca Sideway Sliding armdrag and I'm really digging this match. Man, Azteca will take a Rolling DDT straight to the face like a KING. Raziel and Pegasso both bump enormously to the floor but crawl back in to make sure Stigma doesn't stay in the ring and botch anymore spots. Cancerbero procures the Dos Caras Sharpshooter variation and the rudos accept the adoration of the crowd. As God intended. Quality Lucha Libre. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ MR TOMO vs RASCAL FUJIWARA- PRO WRESTLING SHI-EN- 6/1/2014: I should just review all 46 PW Shi-En matches that sit in my Watch Later list. I feel sorry for them- sitting there month after month, growing tired and scared, wondering if they will ever be watched. Today is your lucky day, one match from the stack! Do your mat magic, Mr Tomo! Actually! WAIT! I've suddenly got shit to do! Tomorrow! TOMORROW: The exciting beginning and conclusion of the MR TOMO vs RASCAL FUJIWARA- PRO WRESTLING SHI-EN- 6/1/2014 review!

DRIVERETTE 9242014 Day 1 of 1000 straight weekdays of reviewing of Pro Wrestling- the RESTART of the RESTART of the RESTART!. This one will be less esoterically about my love for obscure Japanese crowbars and more about internet wrestling fans want to talk about. THEN! I remembered that they want to talk about NXT and the WWE and I haven't watched that in like five years. It's probably no fault of the WWE, I just don't have time for non-internet wrestling. So, this will actually be more of the same: obscure shit that I get excited about when it pops up. Sorry. Behold. The Professional Wrestling. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@SINGLES ##############################GOING $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$STEADY ------------------------------------- !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DR WAGNER JR/ FLAMITA vs TRAUMA II/ PIRATA MORGAN- ARENA SAN JUAN- 9/16/2014: Ringextremo is some kind of YouTube guy/thing that posts sometimes-horrendous/sometimes-good/always-random-as-fudge lucha underbelly matches. This is chock full of guys who were useless to me a year or two ago but seem to be back on the upswing now, and they are all in one ring in San Juan. And of them, PLUS! Flamita- who I've never had a problem with/never actually noticed in matches. This hits the ground running with Doc Wagner ripping up Trauma II's mask while Flamita poses for the rubes. Pirata Morgan is on one knee at ringside to sell a totally shitty kick to the head by Wagner- but fuck it, if I were a bricklayer or bottled water delivery driver in San Juan, it would pretty cool to see Pirata Morgan live and in person- even if he did have to pretend that Dr Wagner's colossally shitty kick wasn't colossally shitty. The auditorium in which they wrestle is pretty awesome. It has a balcony that extends directly out all the way to ringside. I'm guessing it's usually used for cattle auctions or something- but it is custom made for wrestling or boxing. The first part is all quebradoras, aforementioned comically shitty kicks and highlarious comedy spots. Flamita is a perfectly fine highflyer that Pirata and T2 bump all over the ring for him- to the delight of the throng that actually appears to be hanging from the rafters. It settles down to T2 beating on Wagner and leading to the first fall of the Wagner doing a very nice 14 step lucha roll-up, thus allowing Pirata and Flamita to take over. Pirata hits two awesome fat old guy powerbombs to cover the corpse of Flamita and I'm confused about who gets the fall. OH! Wagner and Pirata battle it out. Pirata, being the oldest school rudo alive crushes Dr Wagner's balls and almost gets the pin. BUT THEN- SHENANIGANS! I will not give it away. Yeah, this review is even more scattershot than this match. It's fitting. Post-match, Trauma II and Wagner brawl like motherfuckers through the near-riotous crowd- making the "perfectly fine"-ness of the prior ten minutes a little easier to swallow. Oh man, there were some angry folks in San Juan- as Trauma is a complete asshole postmatch. When the garbage is flying into the ring, you know you are watching quality the Lucha Libre. This definately makes me wanna see Trauma II vs Dr Wagner Jr. JESUS, Pirata's punches at the end are soooo fucking awesome. Yeah, this is went from nothing to fucking great in no time. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ ZANE DAWSON vs DYLAN KAGE- MIDNIGHT MAYHEM- 3/2014ish: Fuck it. YES. FUCK IT. IT IS TIME! TIME! TIME! It is to eschew contractions and IT IS TIME to watch all this wrestling that has survived several purges of my YouTube Watch Later list- and yet, I never actually watch them. Until now. BECAUSE IT IS TIME! TO WATCH! The wrestling that I keep putting off. TIME! Zane Dawson is fucking awesome and I would have watched this... FIVE months ago if I knew it was him on this episode of Midnight Mayhem. I don't recall ever seeing Dylan Kage but most everybody who works this indie- wherever it is, is at least competent. So colour me stoked. I see from the first moments, that Kage is really good at taking an ass-stomping from Dawson, who jumps him and beats him to death early. Then Zane does an armbar and some guy comes in and CUTZ A PROMO~! mid-armbar. The guy on the STICK is bedecked with fringe and fidgits a lot while talking. Being indie wrestling with the usual shitty indie PA, you can't make out any of the filibustering on either side. Then it kind of ends and we all wonder what it leads to. I assume Zane Dawson will be beating the crap out of the be-fringed guy- oh! who is actually Dylan Kage. So that was the set-up. Fair enough. Kage has comical facepaint as low-rent as his indie name- but who gives a shit about that- it's not the hilarious indie get-up in the fight, it's the fight in the hilarious indie get-up. God, Zane Dawson will bump like a CHAMP for Kage. Kage's punches are semi-comical and there is a lot of them early, which is thus semi-unfortunate. Dawson leans into everything as hard as he can, so we will always have that. Kane's offense is a bit pedestrian - kinda like a peppy version of Lash LaRue but with Dee Dee Ramones face. Dawson stops the nonsense with a counter to Kane running up the ropes by converting it into a pretty beautiful powerbomb. Dawson's punches are world's better but he doesn't really lay into his kicks or anything so I'm losing the love for this match. Dawson then brings me back into the match with infinitely better punching. It's a last man standing match so the brawling has to keep you in the match, and brawling is like 65% punching so if the punching sucks your brawl is gonna suck. This keeps teetering. They screw up a spot where Kane was supposed to block a punch and instead oversells a punch that never lands- and, yeah, I think we just lost this one. Kane goes all low-grade lucha/ retro Kanyon on his big comeback and I am having a Devin Storm flashback- or maybe more of an Ace Darling flashback. Either way it's not incompetent but it's very 90s and nobody is laying it in during a fucking Last Man Standing Match. And they screw up more spots that I don't think would have been that magnificent if they had hit it correctly, I am now counting the minutes and hoping for... I dunno... buckets of blood? I don't think anything is saving this. Dawson sinks in the armbar that we started this with and the guy who was in the set-up to this comes back out! Kane hits a flying, spinning crescent savat kick! The ref never counts because he inexplicably keeps looking at bald guy from the set-up! Dawson with a chain! And boy that looked like shit! But at least it's over so I can get on with my life and watch the next thing in the Watch Later Bin.... %%%%%%%%%%%%% GALLO/ PEGASSO/ REY COMETA vs ARKANGEL DE LA MUERTE/ KAMAITACHI/ SHIGEO OKUMURA- CMLL- 5/3/2014: I'm trying to figure out why I haven't watched this for three months. It's got fucking Arkangel and Shigeo Okamura, WHAT IS MY PROBLEM? Shigeo and another fave, Rey Cometa go at it and it is everything you want in a opening sequence. Pegasso and Kamaitachi is also really fun. Of course, when you watch guys very slowly blow five basic spots, it's easier to appreciate guys hitting basic stuff really quickly, so the love is kinda contextural against the backdrop of the prior match and all, but fuck the police, Arkangel is fucking beautiful in an classic rudo sense in this. Punching motherfuckers in the face but also hitting elegant and graceful armdrags that you only get in the Lucha Libre tradition. Rudos take the first fall with a very nice Sharp-shooter-cum-Figue Four submission by Okimura and THEN Kamaitachi with the Kohei Sato Inverted Falcon Arrow #43 of the New Era! YEaaaaa! Segunda Caida is everybody being a dick towards Rey Cometa, with Kamaitachi enraging the good-lookin' technico the most with all sorts of shins across the face of Cometa who was prone on the mat- which made me cheer with utter glee! Arkangel ups the rudo greatness by laying into the beating of Pegasso like a total bastard. Okay, this is a fucking GREAT rudo trio. Rey Cometa uses high-flying to get the technicos back on offense; Gallo and Arkangel go at it totally old school- even to the point of Gallo hitting the Ciclon Ramirez-esque tope. Cometa's roll-up evens the score and I assume this will be the rudo hellstorm that we all pray for. Cometa is all spectacular flying around the ring with Okumura, Pegasso is pretty suave in his paces with Kamaitachi, but Gallo and Arkangel decide to just beat the dogcrap out of each other before Pegasso and Cometa do assorted suicide dives to the floor. Arkangel, fucking ruling as the rudo of rudos, crushes the the testicles of Gallo when the ref isn't looking to take the third caida and YOU are sooo filled with love. TOMORROW: I finish watchin' and reviewin' HOMBRE BALA JR/ PEGASSO/ STIGMA vs CANCERBERO/ RAZIEL/ SANGRE AZTECA- CMLL- 5/3/2014! You are stoked.

DRIVERETTE 9182014 Eh, I try to put together a string of a thousand straight days of wrestling reviews but a lot of things conspire against me: Football season, work, 70 of my children, my new old guy metalish band (that debuts at the Wonderland in RVA on October 4th opening for fucking DRUGLORD!), choir practice with my daughters, my sons football practice- which are all just a smokescreen for the fact that I only get excited when new Big Japan shows up on the internet. So some showed up, so here we are. Behold. The Professional Wrestling. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@SINGLES ###############################GOING $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$STEADY ------------------------------------- !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHUJI ISHIKAWA/ KOHEI SATO vs DIASUKE SEKIMOTO/ RYUCHI KAWAKAMI- BIG JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- 8/24/2014: FUCK. YES. Ah, bring me the stiff. If you are new to the NEW ERA of DVDVR Sporadic Reviewing of The Pro Wrestling, Shuji Ishikawa and Kohei Sato are the tallest meanest stiffest-working tagteam in Japan and THUS they are my current favorite tagteam. I love everything about Kohie Sato. He is probably my current favorite wrestler. YEah, I will say now that he is. Fuck yes, may they reign forever. Shuji Ishikawa and the good-lookin' Emo boy Ryuchi Kawakami start out and Shuji offers up a clean break because this is some kind of fuckin sunday school or something. I don't know, maybe they are going to put on tiaras and have a tea party too. They do a Greco Roman knuckle lock and I love it when they tease me before they fucking kill each other. They work a headlock/headscissors section and tag out. Sato and Sekimoto lock it up and they fiddle with headlocks. In the midst of synching the headlock in on Kohei Sato, Sekimoto has a look of dread on his face, as if he knows that after the headlock, Sato will use his entire 6'4" frame to beat the living breathing dogpiss out of him. After the headlock, Sato begins beating the leaving breathing dogpiss out of Sekimoto. Sekimoto powers out of an arm submission so he can stand toe to toe with Sato- who just fucking blasts into the skull of Sekimoto like a fucking lunatic. Then he kicks Sekimoto in the chest a bunch and I remember the rush, the thrill- of watching Japanese wrestling. Shuji Ishikawa tags in and remembers he also will pulverize a motherfucker. Our motherfucker at the moment is Sekimoto. BUT he crawls over to Kawakami to allow Kawakami and ishikawa to just fucking GO AT IT and it is the brawling that I have loved since watching my first wrestling match in 1969. Ishikawa tags out and Sato hits Inverted Reverse Falcon Arrow #31 of the New Era. He tries for his breath-takingly beautiful piledriver, but the young, good-looking Emo boy Kawakami is powerful and preposterously tough and he powers out and tags in Sekimoto. Sekimoto is MODE: HOUSE A-FIRE and it is a good role for him. He can look berserker and hits nice lariats and then here hits a sweet Brainbuster. Sato cuts off Sekimoto and just smashes Sekimoto's skull with a forearm and tags in a generally pissed off Ishikawa. Ishikawa does some strange knee-based offense off the second rope to set-up a very short abdominal stretch moment that Sekimoto cuts short by quickly hitting the ropes- because Sekimoto is a dope and thus wants fucking Shuji fucking Ishikawa to go back to savagely beating the fuck out him. Sekimoto is pretty awesome brawling in this though- so I'm guessing the point of the this match was for Sekimoto to try to get closer to Sato in the eyes of the Big Japan following by showing that take and dish out an ass-beating. Kawakami tags in and he looks far more comfortable brawling and suplexing. Ishikawa is pretty great in this selling the damage of Kawakami's Released German by stumbling while being enraged, calling for the double team to kill this motherfucker already. And they do. BUT Sekimoto does the THOROUGHLY bad ass EVEREST~! German Suplex overhead to the mat on a fully prone Pinning Predicament Ishikawa. Kawakami- saved and fired up- trades ridiculously huge forearms with Ishikawa until Kawakami's forearms finally overcomes Ishikawa and allows Kawakami to go for his finisher (whatever that is. He doesn't win much yet.) but Ishikawa reverses it into a fucking beautiful K-Driller for two. Ishikawa finally gets Kawakami up into a Diehard Kansai/Last Ride/ Splash Mountain/Razor's Edge and gets the win. Man, I hope Sato and Ishikawa keep the belts forever. When they drop them, I hope they drop them to a team with Kawakami. Kawakami is quickly becoming the next Okabayashi. Sooooo fucking good. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDE-1jMC7hw $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ KAZUKI HASHIMOTO vs KOJI KANEMOTO- BIG JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- 8/24/2014: Oh fuck yes, Big Japan knows how to take me from "Oh fuck wrestling" to "JESUS! WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THIS YET!" Surly asshole young punk of Big Japan takes on 90s surly asshole young punk of yesteryear. Hey! My favorite match from 1998- Koji Kanemot versus El Samurai- was.... SIXTEEN years ago. Oy. Hold me. I am ever so old..... But of my pining for yesteryear, lets see what these two folks do when K-Hash tries to do Kanemoto's signature move. It'll be fun. K-Hash has a fauncy new long vest- like he's some kind anime character. Kanemoto's ring attire whips K-Hash's ring attire's ass: Kanemoto has a robe with a ten inch collar- as if he were some kind of Dr Strange villain. Kanemoto looks aged and intense. K-Hash looks 12. They start by punching each other in the face. Not Sato/Kawakami-level but I would prolly advise watching this before the tag match because every level of stiffness loses miserably to Sato/Ishikawa level of stiff. But fuck all that, these two brawl like motherfuckers through the crowd with Hashimoto not flinching at flying facefirst into and through a section of chairs. They get back to the ring and there are no clean breaks (T.A't.N.A.S.S.). At 46ish, Kanemoto is still fucking smooth as silk in the ring. He latches on a totally Volk Han-level leg submission and it is thing of beauty forever. Hashimoto sells it like Kanemoto is channelling Volk Han by snapping his tendons in two. Kanemoto kicks him a bit and sinks in the ankle lock. Kanemoto stands up and starts punching K-Hash in the face A LOT which is fucking awesome. The crowd gives him the business and he revels in it like the true OG asshole bastard fucker that he is. They trade kicks for a while and Kanemoto hits another submission and THEN. K-Hash doesn't want do the face scrapes. Kanemoto just fucking punches him in the face to keep him down and hits the face scrapes to set up the TM3 Moonsault. K-Hash moves and rolls to the floor but Kanemoto lands on his feet and goes straight to the tope. GODDAM. Kanemoto punches him in the stomach and then hits a 7 quarters legit spin kick to the teeth and this match is fucking BEAUTIFUL. Kanemoto then moonsaults into Hashimoto's knees and Koji takes a running kick to the face. K-Hash makes with the Kanemoto Face Scrapes and the crowd feels stirrings in their Upset Place as they get behind this snot-nosed little bastard. K-Hash goes 90s NJ JR with the Fisherman Buster but Kanemoto cuts him off by rolling through a kick into an ankle lock. Then they do a section of really nice ways of Kanemoto applying the ankle lock and K-Hash escaping and then getting some offense in before Kanemoto cuts him off by spinning into another submission. K-Hash escapes the cycle by hitting a fucking preposterously nasty Released German that Kanemoto over-rotates for maximum horror. K-Hash crushes him with a running kick to the face, a BJPW-level legit headbutt and fucking NORTHERN LIGHTS BOMB! For Two! Kazuki Hashimoto then does a running kick to the back of the head and the UPSET! THE UPSET! This was pretty fucking beautiful. Postmatch, Koji Kanemoto is amused by K-Hash's mic skills. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZaB2xjaMXs TOMORROW: I'll probably write something anyway.

DRIVERETTE 882014 Fucking hell. I haven't written much this week because there wasn't much available to capture my fauncy. BUT THEN! Endless matches of G-1 appears on the questionable legitimacy that is Dailymotion- and suddenly I get to see if Honma is having a preposterous comeback, I get to see several Tomohiro Ishii matches which I would not need a G-1 to become interested in, and AJ Styles in Japan among other things. Plus I finally get around to checking out Bad Luck Fale. Probably. Plus note that our youth of Japan can masturbate furiously to Takahashi's buttocks-tastic girly. So fuck the world, I'm going to review these in real time so I will be ready for the Big Japan Strong Climb stuff when it hits the internet. I will fix everything that comes out wrong by DVDVR 173. Possibly. BEHOLD! THE PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING. NEW JAPAN 2014 G-1 CLIMAX 24 MATCHES- [DEAN RASMUSSEN]: The pinnacle of the modern tournament in Japan is answering the question: Who can get in my tournament to make the viewer to give a shit about a Toru Yano match? For this one, it would be Tomohiro Ishii. But yeah, it's easy to watch these things because I'm so not watching 3/4s of these matches. Fuck a Tenzan or Nakamura match. Here are some that I was interested in. TOMOHIRO ISHII vs TOMOAKI HONMA: I have loved Tomoaki Honma since before he was the best death match wrestler in the world almost- Jebus- FIFTEEN years ago. Ain't it funny how time slips away. I immediately no longer gave a shit about Honma after he jumped to a non-crazy wrestling promotion. It was an amicable break-up. I wanted to watch folks bleed buckets of blood. He wanted to actually have a wrestling carreer. Anyway, I heard on the board that he was a superstar of this years G-1 so here we are. Honma towers over Ishii and they both start fucking laying it in after some perfunctory fiddling around early. They fight for the Brainbuster and they do the awesome thing of obviously sandbagging each other after the first mid-air counter to the move on both sides so it goes from battle for the brainbuster to BATTLE FOR THE MOTHERFUCKING >>>>>>EVEREST<<<<<<<< BRAINBUSTER! Honma is your winner. Honma pelts him with chops in the corner but misses the falling headbutt to allow Ishii to get up and attempt to match his level of stiffness. It goes Kobashi-Samoa Joe for a while and finally Honma uses the double chop combined with his FIGHTING SPIRIT to win the round and get in his falling headbutt. Ishii gets to his feet and takes some truly horrendously stiff shots to the face but each shot Hulks him up to the point that Honma is crushed by the built-up forearm to the jaw that Ishii delivers. Ishii Dangerously backdrops Honma for two but runs into a lariat that Honma follows with a Lawler Pile driver and the crowd is WILD for the spunky plucky Honma. Honma hits the DDT and Ishii does the total Rob Van Dam headstand sell and we as fans of pro wrestling party and freak out. Ishii sells the neck and shoulder and the back- as Ishii all about the selling and ridiculous bumps. Honma misses the toprope headbutt and the crowd goes from molten to disheartened. Ishii hits his signature Magnificent Toprope Vertical Suplex. It is a joy forever. Honma fights out of powerbomb by almost snapping his spinal at the base of his neck before Ishii finally hits the powerbomb. Honma reverses a brainbuster with a preposterous lucha roll-up followed by a Released German and the crowd has fallen back in love with the idea of Honma winning this. Honma hits a lariat and follows up with a BEAUTIFUL Brainbuster. FOR TWO! Ishii fights out of a K-Driller and they stand and beat the shit out of each until Ishii fucking KILLS him with a lariat. Ishii hits the FINEST MOTHERFUCKING BRAINBUSTER OF THE NEW MILLENIUM and gets the win. OH FUCK ME, THIS MATCH IS THE TITS. http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2266eg_g1-climax-24-block-a-match-tomoaki-honma-vs-tomohiro-ishii_sport KAZUCHIKA OKADA vs TATSUYA NAITO: Okada is sporting the swankiest robes since the days of Greg the Hammer Valentine. It is absolutely choice. Naito is the guy I always like when I see him but I never go out of my to see his matches for whatever reason. I remember that this was the best match-up from Okada's first title run, so imagine my excitement. From the sound of the crowd, it appears that Ladies Love Cool Tatsuya. This starts like their title match, in that I remember that it took me until halfway through the match to realize that it was a heavyweight title match because it looked like a really good junior heavyweight match for the first half. They get to the laying it in a lot earlier than the other match - and they fucking lay it in like kings. Naito bumps big to the floor early and this has the look of quality wrestling by the youths of New Japan. Okada stomps him in the corner and Naito punches his way out before Okada kicks him in the head with running one-legged low angle dropkick into a sweet DDT. Okada crushes Naito in the corner with shoulder blocks until Naito counters out into a very elaborate Scorpion Death Drop. Naito goes super highflying with the running senton into a missile dropkick and I'm beginning to turn on this match. C'mon Naito. There are puh-lenty of junior heavyweights wrestling a New Japan junior heavyweight style right there in New Japan. You crossed over to the top of the card. Wrestle that way. Okada cuts off the Super J Cup offensive flurry by hitting the K-Driller To The Knee Thing and we all breath a sigh of relief. Okada hits kinda crappy toprope elbow. Maybe it was really crappy. I have so turned on this match. Naito spinning DDTs to transition- and he is reminding me of the World's Greatest Lash LaRue. A lot. After a toprope Frankenstiener, I await Naito to counter out of powerbomb with a Billy Kidman facebuster. Okada dropkicks him in the back of the head before Naito can start channelling Chris Kanyon finishers or maybe hitting a Stevie Ray Death Valley Driver. Okada tries to Tombstone the 1998 WCW Worldwide out of Naito and Naito does hit a pretty manly Released Dragon Suplex when I remembered that Chris Benoit used that as a Cruiserweight finisher. At the 12ish minute mark they opt for the Strong Style and start elbowing each other in the face to my delight- with Naito winning with a Flying Burrito until Okada responds with a just spectacular dropkick. Naito answers with totally gnarly T-Bone Tazplex and suddenly Naito's ode to 90s internet wrestling makes sense. Naito winning with a Shooting Star Press makes one long for hair that isn't completely grey and VHS comp tapes that are filled THUGZ matches. Ehhh, I dunno. You'll probably like it. Wuss. http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x22b3i8_g1-climax-b-block-tetsuya-naito-vs-kazuchika-okada_sport @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@SINGLES ##############################GOING $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$STEADY ------------------------------------- $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ NEW JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- TOMOHIRO ISHII vs YUJIRO TAKAHASHI- 6/29/2014: Holy fudge, do we have some catching up to do. There has been many wrestling matches to see and I am trying to see them! Man, Takahashi' stripper girlfriend is butttastic! Will he still love her after three kids and 85 pounds? Not that he is automatically going to age well. He is a pro wrestler which is a lot of the same crazy that produces strippers. Either way, if he wrestles Ishii enough he is going to need her to make his NutriSmoothies since he will be unable to chew without teeth and horrendous jaw surgery. This is for the NEVER title. NEVER! TITLE! The first break, Takahashi smacks Ishii in the face because this ain't no goddam Sunday school. Ishii- being the Arn Anderson of Japan, uses his elbows to knock the first three layers of douchiness off of Takahashi's face. If he would have fish hooked him, pushed his head between the ropes and screamed "Your pretty boy ain't so pretty no more!" at Takahashi's girly, I think the Arn Anderson comparison would come to a complete circle. Takahashi bites Ishii's finger to TRANSITION~! to offence. Ishii counterbites to lead into the Strong Style Shoulder Block that allows Takahashi to run out of the ring and be consoled by Alexis or Amberlyn or whatever his lady's name is. Takahashi going for the Jimmy Garvin of Japan is something noone was counting on, I'm guessing. But there he is. Can a fabulous perm be far off? Takahashi tries to lure Ishii to the floor so they brawl around the building- as it is good strategy: chair shots or Ishii 7/3rds legit headbutts? I would go with the chairshots. Ishii will have no part of it. Ishii does go after him finally- and takes one of the dumber bumps you will ever see- throat first into the rail. And then the dumbness is matched by Ishii immediately taking a Released German backoftheheadfirst into the second rope. Takahashi annoys me but not just by acting like a douchebag- it's more of a lack of commitment to laying it in. It's fucking Ishii, there will ba gash across your forehead caused by him driving his skull into your head, try to make it look 1/4th as good he is going to make it look. So yeah, his offence sucks ass. Ishii sells all of it like the German To The Ropes To The Back Of His Head gave him the world's worst stinger. I'm guessing because it gave him the world's worst stinger. Takahashi beats on him in the corner but will still remember the stiffness level of your worst Big Japan Strong Style match- though it does allow Ishii to have a truly beautiful comeback where he beats Takahashi's ass all over the building. Ishii then beats on Takahashi in the corner and you realize how much Ishii beating on you in the corner would suck so much ass. Takahashi cuts him off with a Eddie Gilbert Hot Shot! The Neck Story! Psychology! Fuck yeah! Top rope Released Belly to Belly into the Battle For The FISHERMAN BUSTER! Takahashi elbows to advantage and finally hits the Fisherman Buster and Ishii sells the neck like he might have legit fucked up his neck. That's great/horrible part about Japanese wrestling. Ishii corner lariats to transition and does a fucking magnificent toprope vertical suplex. They wrestle around a little and Takahashi lands another (regular) Released German and Ishii sells the shoulder-neck area like a king. Takahashi hits the Backdrop Driver and sells it like a motherfucker/he truly really fucked up his shoulder. Hopefully it's option A because there are 14 minutes left. Takahashi keeps hitting Germans With a Bridge for two and then finally misses a moonsault to let Ishii back on offense. They start a Strong Style Shoulder Block Penis Measurement Spot but Ishii drives the top of his skull into the side of Takahashi jaw and wrestling lactation flies out of your wrestleNipples as you watch. Ishii hits the powerbomb but bumps the ref on the way down! The Bullet Club runs in! The lights go out! It's SABU! No wait. They beat on him some more and NAKAMURA and OKADA(!?!?!?) make the save! Ishii crushes Takahashi with a lariat but Takahashi throws Ishii into the ref for the awesomely unJapanese Double Ref Bump. I await fire or maybe powder and a chain from his tights. MAN, they do some kind of running Dangerous Backdrop and Ishii lands on his shoulder like he was crashing off of his dirtbike. Takahashi hits a Inverted Falcon Arrow- #32 of the New Era- and the crowd has gotten beyond molten since the run-ins. Takahashi powerbombs him into the turnbuckle and does a Kanyon-y sidewalk slam variation to GET THE BELT! This was pretty great because the run-in worked so well. And also the story was pretty fucking deep for New Japan- as the match is based around Ishii sell the neck and shoulder like a fucking champ AND Takahashi actually looking good hitting moves that moved the story along. Though I still hate his offence, Takahashi proves to me that he can definitely work a match. This is good. http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x20hqla_never-openweight-championship-match-tomohiro-ishii-c-vs-yujiro-takahashi_sport TOMORROW: Who am I kidding? I'll write stuff next week. G-1! The BJW Strong Climb! TOURNAMENTS~!

DRIVERETTE 7252014 BEHOLD, THE PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING! @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@SINGLES ##############################GOING $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$STEADY ------------------------------------- $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ KOHEI SATO vs DAEMON UEDA- ZERO-ONE- 7/13/2014: I see that ZERO-ONE still has the Fire Festival. When we last saw Daemon Ueda, he was frollicking about town and then doing some pro wrestling that was completely forgettable if I remember correctly. Okay. You know what I mean. I'm guessing he is the first branch fed into the human wood-chipper called Kohei Sato during this- the 2014 Fire Festival. Fire will be the idea behind the broken burning corpuscles of the Ueda chest,one would assume. But let's view this match and hopefully revel in the violence. Yesssssss. The pre-match footage is Ueda riding around on a bike- like that creepy guy who used to take pictures of us when we played little league when I was a kid. He took a great picture of me when I was six and got hit by a pitch from Terry Batten. I dated Terry's sister in high school. She moved to France. Where was I? Oh, Ueda's pre-match segment: Then there is special effects and hitting a picture of Kohei Sato with a hammer and yeahyeahyeah let's get this assbeating under way already. Ueda enters the ring with highly elaborate facepaint so it is fun that they are making the Fire Festival a special occassion. Sato towers over him and I assume scoffs at the fact that Ueda's face and body paint form a target across his chest. They have a clean break like this is some kind of Sunday school. They go old school and Ueda sinks in the smudgy headlock and they have Strong Style Shoulder Blocks Of Penis Size Measurement WITH A TWIST! Ueda makes with the Muta mist and follow-up lariat and gets the two count! Sato bumps big into chairs and this is waaaaay more fun than I thought this would be. Sato makes it back to the ring at the count of 18 after assorted outside comical chair shots. Meanwhile, Ueda is actually fun in this with his American Pro Style offence- the power slam, the Fall away headbutt, the... oh fuck it, Sato stands up and and just fucking slaughtercates Ueda's skull with forearms and then OPTS to kick Ueda's chest through his back. Sato then just fucking smashes Ueda's skull with one of those Sato Howzerbootsomehardway 4/3rds legit headbutt. Ueda gets full man points for not immediately curling up and weeping like a baby. Sato appreciates this sign of toughness by REALLY fucking killing him with kicks to the back of the head. Ueda stands up and gets a few forearms before Sato just decimates the fuck out of him with an elbow basically THROUGH the head of Uead, which leads into Falcon Arrow number 29 of the New Era. We and Ueda obviously await the Lawler Piledriver so Ueda will be able stumble to his car after getting his 40 bucks and still remember how to use his turn signal. AND THERE IT IS. And Ueda kicks out? Sato goes for the EVEREST German but Ueda uses the ref to fight out and then.... MUTA MIST AGAIN! After the lariat, it looks like an upset but Sato kicks out! This match is soooo what I wanted and so much more. Ueda with the K-Driller! Ueda with another Lariat! UEDA WITH THE WIN! BILLION STARS. Man, is Ueda gonna take a motherfucking ass-beating of assbeatings when they do the re-match. http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x21xx0z_kohei-sato-vs-daemon-ueda-zero1_sport !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KAZUKI HASHIMOTO vs YOSHIKAZU YOKOYAMA- ZERO-ONE- 7/13/2014: Allright! It's like last Friday all over again! Kazuki Hashimoto and Yokoyama were last seen by us beating the dogshit out of each other in some VFW armoury in Japan a few months ago. This time around it is minus one Kohei Sato and minus one Diachi Hashimoto, so it should a different dynamic. Let's watch, shall we? Pre-match, Yokoyama and his lunatic mullet are joined by his 1985 tinted sunglasses and they all go out to lunch. He and our Fire Festival segment host eat things that are too hot to eat and we all collectively say, "Let's get on with this thing already." Man, are we testy today- no time for levity or whimsy! MEANWHILE, Kazuki and Yokoyama are at the Fire Festival press conference and do a perfectly fine Wrestling Press Conference Pull Apart. One would hope that K-Hash would channel Silver King: Kazuki Hashimoto: Maybe... maybe me and my brother Daichi will... KILL.... Yokoyama. Maybe we... maybe me and my brother will KILL Kohei Sato. But what were the chances of that? Anyway, they go straight to the ring. Yokoyama works the arm early and they do a lot of pre-excitement wrestling stuff. Let me take this time to make an appeal to Yoshikazu Yokoyama: Hey Yoshikazu, This is Dean Rasmussen, writer from the Death Valley Driver Video Review. I have watched a couple of your matches and you seem like a good up and coming young lion, as they say. You have the size, and you aren't afraid to lay it in. I think you are missing one element that would vault you over the top: you REALLY need to perm you hair. The Lionel Ritchie Road Warrior Animal Safety Hawk Mullet would be YOURS. Noone else could claim it in Pro Wrestling. You gotta trust me on this. Sincerely, Dean Henry Rasmussen, Death Valley Driver Video Review And back to the match where they have moved into the exciting part where they start teeing off on each other. I just watched a Kohei Sato match and Kazuki Hashimoto's level stiffness in this match matches Sato's preposterous stiffness in Sato's match- so we party and freak out to the Strong Style. Yokoyama is more controlled but he used clubbing forearms THUS this match is pretty fucking great. It is pretty much 10 minutes of straight up Strong Style with the annoying Kanemoto Face Scrape thrown into the middle. God, the stiffness flies off the fucking charts from K-Hash at some points and Yokoyama leans into it all like a total champ. Yokoyama goes on an extended offensive flurry and it's pretty straight up US Pro Style- Body slam into an avalanche, a highly dangerous Power Slam and an attempt and Vertical Suplex that Kazuki reverses into his own vertical suplex to allow a nasty flying kick to the face in the corner. Yokoyama Death Valley Bombs to transition to offence though it pretty much leads to them just standing in the middle of the ring and killing each other. They decide to try to knock each other out with legit headbutts and Yokoyama begins to spray blood all over the ring- causing a blood stoppage to the match. Yokoyama is enraged by being forced to stop all the while coated in his own blood and BOY! do I want to see the rematch of this. Bloodtastic. Jiminy Crickets. http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x21xw8d_yoshikazu-yokoyama-vs-kazuki-hashimoto-zero1_sport $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ DEAN ALLMARK vs SEIKI YOSHIOKA- WRESTLE-1- 7/6/2014: Kick ass! Our boy, Dean Allmark, is wrestling in Japan! I will now figure out who Yoshioka is by going to cagematch.de. He has been wrestling for 6 years, is 26 years old and was trained by Hanzo Nakajima. I think I've reviewed one of his matches unless there is an army of anonymous junior heavyweights sent off by HANZO to conquer the opening matches of indie cards. If so, I back his play one hundred percent. Deano has all the belts and I'm hoping we finally get to see Allmark wrestle heel. DEEEEEEEEN ALLLLMAAAAAAHKOOOO! They start with a clean break like this is some kind of Sunday school. Allmark pulls out the Johnny Saint card early by countering a headlock with a handstand and then pulls his Jim Breaks card by working the wrist joints. He doesn't go full Jim Breaks by cracking all the joints for all to hear. Yoshioka flies around the ring and gets in a Dragon Gate One foot dropkick and my hatred begins. Deano goes toe-to-toe with the highflying and looks so much cooler at it because you know its like the 9th style down the list in his arsenal, yet his Silver King moonsault to the floor is fucking spectacular. Allmark goes with the total fucked up matwork and you remember that Dean Allmark is fucking awesome. He goes with the European uppercuts and World Of Sport twisty quarter Nelson suplex and we now realize that Deano in Japan is fucking awesome. Yoshioka makes with the highflying but he is so one-dimensional compared to Deano. He does lean into Deano kicking him directly in the face like a total man and also continues after ruining his knee so he does get toughness points. Deano slaughters him with a really beautiful Spanish Fly and Yoshioka kicks out for some reason. Allmark clamps on total Snakepit crazy leg lock and goes into a pinning predicament for two. Yoshioka fights out, goes on offence, and hits the Swanton. And the British Light Heavyweight championship is finally back in Japan. Postmatch, Allmark doesn't lariat and then break the leg of Yoshioka, so this wasn't a perfect match. Man, do I dig Allmark in Japan. TOMORROW: Is Saturday. But I'll probably write something anyway.

DRIVERETTE 7182014 BEHOLD, THE PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING! @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@SINGLES ##############################GOING $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$STEADY ------------------------------------- $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ PRO WRESTLING WEST MECCA- KAZUKI HASHIMOTO/ DAICHI HASHIMOTO vs KOHEI SATO/ YOSHIKAZU YOKOYAMA- 3/21/2014: Oh man, this is a few months ago but I love the fact that the building is just a step above a fruit warehouse where Goro Tsurumi would have six mummies wrestle each other. I'm sure I've seen Yokoyama before but I just can't place it. Let me go the cagematch.de master database! Ah he is a Zero-One youngster whose matches I hatefully ignore whenever I see them uploaded to Dailymotion. So this will be the first time he has been in a match I am actually interested in. The lucky motherfucker. The audio is strange on this one. It sounds like they miked the snack bar. Yokoyama has hilarious hair- like he would be on Jerry Springer as a male dancer in 1987- or maybe the third member of the New Breed. It is a righteous mullet and I commend his ability to truly not give a shit about how he looks. Sato and K-Hash shakes hands for whatever reason. Yokoyama and Daichi Hashimoto start out the proceedings and- oh awesome!- there is no clean break because this ain't Sunday school. Yokoyama is a Zero-One guy so he will definitely lay it in, so this is shaping up well. Sato tags in to do goofball comedy spots with K-Hash- as this isn't a Sato/Ishikawa taq match, I am less enraged and tend to pass it off as a reaction to wrestling in a building that looks more like it should be housing a gun and knife show. Sato, being my favorite current wrestler, decides to reward my patience by immediately just beating the fuck out of Kazuki Hashimoto. Yokoyama tags in and K-Hash Single Leg Takedowns to transition and D-Hash tags in and we get back to the assbeating. I'm really digging the be-mulleted youngster. He's big, he'll lay it in and his hair reminds me of guys who were in my homeroom in high school in the 80's. Yokoyama will lay it in but you don't really realize what "stiff" means in a pro wrestling context until Sato tags in and just start fucking smashing the face of Daichi Hashimoto. I mean gatdamn, it's gotta suck to wrestle Sato. Yokoyama tags in and D-Hash must be relieved to taking the perfectly fine elbows landing on him. Sato tags in again and makes with the half-crab- I'm guessing to allow the searing pain of D-Hash's chest and back to recede to a managable level. Daichi makes the ropes and the tag and we get the Kanemoto face scrape section that is definitely becoming more annoying as we watch it every match. Sato responds with a 90s chokeslam and tags in the guy with the quintessental new wave hairstyle. Okay, so maybe Sato and Yokoyama is an awesome tag team- the Sato Inversion Falcon Arrow to set up the truly beautious Yokoyama Toprope Elbow is pretty fucking spectacular. Yokoyama has a finisher! I'm guessing it is the Death Valley Bomb- but Kazuki Hashimoto wiggles free and fucking destroys Yokoyama with a 7/3rds legit lariat to escape the ring and tag Daichi Hashimoto- who is all about kicking Yokoyama in the throat and then launching a beautiful Dangerous Backdrop to procure that submission the Undertaker always does that take UT 5 minutes to apply. They keep double teaming Yokoyama- with D-Hash doing his Ode to Mochizuki At the Super J Cup rope-running spin kick- which is becoming as annoying as K-Hash's Ode To Koji Kanemoto face-scraping spot. Daichi hits a good approximation of his father's DDT and we can only assume at some point Daichi will start his rise to the top after unleashing his dad's Brainbuster. Daichi hits two even nastier Hashimoto DDTs and gets the win. Man, this match will not change your life or anything, but it is plenty of fun. Postmatch, the Sato/K-Hash love affair continutes. http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x21f2ke_daichi-hashimoto-and-kazuki-hashimoto-vs-kohei-sato-and-yoshikazu-yokoyama_sport TOMORROW: Is Saturday. But I'll probably write something anyway.

DRIVERETTE 7162014 I was out of action for a few weeks, as actual work got in the way of me being able to review wrestling between the cracks in the workday- as it became a solid wall of work, and then I got out of the habit. THUS I must reapply the lapsed discipline. It is strange, the writing about the professional wrestling: if you get away from it too far it seems really inane to be writing about it; but once you get past the grapple writing block, it is as easy as breathing and as fulfilling as playing in a punk rock band. (Which I am also doing and that has curtailed my wrestle writing a little.) But enough of me. More about you and your love of the pro wrestling. Yesssssss....BEHOLD, THE PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING! @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@SINGLES ##############################GOING $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$STEADY ------------------------------------- $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ DDT- KEISUKE ISHII/ SHIGEHIRO IRIE vs YASU URANO/ AKITO- 5/25/2014: I was thinking that we should catch up on the antics of beloved favorite of the DVDVR, Shigehiro Irie. There is a match at the UNION 10th Anniversary Show with Shigehiro and Shuji Ishikawa in the ring at the same time- and I find that to be very exciting. C'mon, internet freaks, post it! Any way, Irie and Ishii are the All Asia Tag title holders and they are up against two parts of the Smile Squash stable. Yes, I went to cagematch.de and researched these guys. Urano is 38 years old and was partly trained by FMW's very own Koji Nakagawa and also trained by TAKA Michinoku. Akito is 27, scrawny and less fascinating. And the match: Pre-match, young ladies in plaid skirts spit water into Shigehiro Irie's face because Irie's boners must be supressed! Ishii stands around and looks confused- as if he is new to the Dramatic Dream Team. Folks clap at Ishii and Urano doing some basic wrestling. Akito is actually impressive standing there- which is important; looking like he could beef up into a big fella later on in his career. Irie works the headlock and leans into it. Akito is nifty escaping and procuring his own headlocks and ankle locks and we are kind of coasting along here. Urano and Irie is more punchy and kicky and funner. Irie begins to LAY IT IN! Urano lays it in also but it's not very nasty. He does a lot of eye rakes which can be just as good-lookin' as laying it in. I mean, everybody knows how much it hurts when a fucker messes with your eyes. It's all about the psychology. Akito makes with the several swinging neckbreakers and it's hard to pinpoint the style of wrestling. Urano drops a pretty fucking beautiful knee across the face of Ishii and Akito does a nice Lawler Piledriver so I pinpoint this style as Undersized Greg Valentine-ish- which I obviously dig. Yeah, Akito hits a beautiful Lateral Suplex and I really dig the ode to 1982 Philly Spectrum House Show wrestling. I also dig Ishii assuming the Ricky Morton roll. Irie is a fucking beautiful house a-fire. Akito and Irie fiddle about with elbows to the face and dropkicks to the knee and what have you- all leading to Akito hoisting Irie into a truly impressive EVEREST gut-wrench suplex- impressive because Akito is thin and lanky and Irie is true burgeoning fat boy. They double team Irie for a bit with Irie leaning into Urano's lariats and Akito's dropkicks to Irie transitioning to offence by crushing the skulls of his opponents with yet still more Greg Valentine-ish headbutts to the face. This is perfectly fine wrestling- very competent and it is your basic Southern tag match but I'm an asshole who expects more from an Irie match. Maybe it's the fact that Irie isn't the underdog in this. I don't hate this match, but it just doesn't have SOMETHING to make me love it- though the suplex/lariat-heavy finish is pretty cool. Fuck me, I'm just being a baby. This is good change of pace from the usual Irie match and it's really well done. Go ahead- watch it, you won't hate it. http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1yui74_keisuke-ishii-shigehiro-irie-c-vs-yasu-urano-akito-ddt_sport !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AMERICAN WRESTLING ASSOCIATION- ERNIE LADD vs NICK BOCKWINKLE- 10/1978: Oh man, 1978 was a big year for a 12 year old boy to be into Pro Wrestling. Jimmy Snuka showed up in Texas (when I was in Arkansas) in 77 and followed me to Mid-Atlantic when I moved back to Virginia! Harley Race was my champion and Wahoo McDaniel was on my TV every Saturday afternoon. Ernie Ladd I had maybe seen twice and Nick Bockwinkle was one of those guys- like Dick the Bruiser and Bruno Sammartino, who only showed up in my life when they would be on the cover of an Apter mag. These guys I wouldn't recognize unless their faces were coated in blood. The wonder of the internet is that we old guys can piece together the rest of the wrestling story. The problem with this match is that it is film clips. I assume Nick Bockwinkle watched this in the studio and spoke over it, denying any evil he was perpetrating- though we would be looking directly at it with him. Man, I miss that kind of shit. It's all truncated and shit so it's hard to actually analyze much past what you already knew- Ernie Ladd was a really agile for a big guy- though it doesn't highlight my favorite quality of Ladd in his prime- his ability to bump enormous. The other thing you already knew by watching assorted Goodhelmet collections- Bockwinkle is battling neck and neck with Ric Flair for the successor to the Ray the Crippler Stevens crazed gigantic selling and bumping title. These highlights are pretty much Bockwinkle selling to the back of the building and flying all over the ring. Ladd could be anybody in this- as this is a lot like the Terry Funk/ Rick Martel match from Puerto Rico that we watched before the writing interruption period- with Bockwinkle assuming the Funk role. Actually, I guess someone could write a thesis arguing that Funk is the true heir to the Ray Stevens Sell and Bump thrown- and the three way outlay of evidence through wrestling matches would be pretty fucking glorious to behold- as Ric Flair's portfolio vs Nick Bockwinkle's portfolio vs Terry Funk's portfolio would make my entire mind explode. Thinking of those three as equals is a bold statement. That I just made. This collection of clips is basically Bockwinkle basing an entire match on bumping to the vast, muscular, buky offense of Ladd- as the size of Ladd allows Bockwinkle to pretty much completely chew the scenery when bouncing off of him. So yeah, in case you needed a file of Bockwinkle's bumping and selling style when facing a big man, here it is. If you wanted to know what Ernie Ladd was all about- not so much this. !@!@!@!@!@! BIG JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- KOHEI SATO/ SHUJI ISHIKAWA vs KAZUKI HASHIMOTO/ DAICHI HASHIMOTO- 6/15/2014: I'm guessing Kohei Sato and Shuji Ishikawa are no longer staying together as my favorite tag team of the year- as I see Sato is tagging with lots of other folks and Shuji is in a lot of singles matches that I need to catch up with. I assume I will spend most of the rest of July wallowing in the horror of the Montreal Alouettes season and catching up on the Big Japan Strong Climb matches. So yes, the rest of July will be a rollercoaster ride of soul-crushing CFL football and life-reaffirming stiff as fuck wrestling. Pray for me, rejoice with me. Right now, Double Hash and my favorite tagteam shall commence to beating the hell out of each other for my pleasure- and I find it pleasing. Hashimoto and Hashimoto come out and the veiwer is struck by the new orange hair of Daichi Hashimoto. Being that teenagers continuously hang around watching anime in the Rasmussen household, I quizzed my 15 year old about the hipness and coolness of Daichi's hair and she said thusly, "They'd make a cute lesbian couple." Oh well, I guess they need to try harder if they want to win over the indifferent youth of America . Daichi is bulking up as he gets deeper into his 20s. He's gonna need it against the number 1 and number 1a crowbars on the island of Japan. Daichi and Shuji ishikawa lock up early to make the rib-smashing by Sato that much more dramatic when gets around to entering the fray. They do set the bar high by mauling each other early before Kazuki Hashimoto tags in and K-Hash and Ishikawa feign wrestling by K-Hash working the arm. The delaying of Sato entering the ring works in building up my anticipation. Its funny that Shuji motherfucking Ishikawa is in the ring first to set up a build up to a higher level of ass-stomp when his partner tags in. Finally, Sato tags in and we have a clean break because I guess this is like a sunday school or something. Sato sinks in an armbar and Kazuki hits the ropes as we wait for somebody's teeth to get kicked out. They take turns kicking each other in the ass and I wondering why they think a match with these four guys would need any moments of levity. Luckily, they to all brawl through the crowd- with Daichi Hashimoto and Shuji Ishikawa brawling like total motherfuckers to my utter delight; and then- just quickly, they take it back to the ring to continue with Shuji ishikawa setting a PREPOSTEROUS stiffness level that Daichi steps right up to like a total champ. Sato tags in and Daichi Hashimoto and Kohei Sato smack each others lungs through the back of each others' chests. Ishikawa tags back in and awkwardly takes some Daichi offense to allow K-Hash in to do his Kanemoto Face Scrape spot- a spot to which I have been indifferent ever since Koji Kanemoto fell off my radar. Ishikawa suplexes to transition and tags in Sato who opts to kick the fuck out of and then inverted a Falcon Arrow onto Kazuki Hashimoto. K-Hash annoyingly no-sells it and tags D-Hash after a Dragon Screw and Daichi sinks in the STF on Sato who hits the ropes. Sato crushes Daichi's jaw to transition and tags in Ishikawa who takes wads of double team stuff from Double Hash that all looked really fucking hurty and shit. Ishikawa powers out of suplex to K-Drill back to offense and hits a 6/4ths legit lariat to crush the fuck out of Kazuki Hashimoto. Daichi does the Mochizuki toprope running spinning savate kick after Shining the Wizard to make the save. Ishikawa takes a kick straight to the teeth- as being the Ricky Morton in this style of tag match can have a severe downside. Sato makes the save and then just fucking MURDERS Kazuki with a Lawler Piledriver. It is a thing beauty that is a joy forever. They then take turns smashing K-Hash's ribs into powder. Ishikawa fucking kills Kazuki Hashimoto with a true Lionness Asuka-level K-Driller and THEN hits a Diehard Kansai for the pin and hell- maybe they aren't breaking up my favorite tagteam. Postmatch, they have a lot of mutual respect moments that Tenryu would break your fucking nose if you tried that shit with him. Sato is talking in the locker room and you see that he is busted up pretty good all hardway and what not. It's going to be a good rest of July if it starts off with this kick ass-beating and it can maintain it through to the end of the upcoming soul-crushing Dallas Cowboy 2014 campaign. Coooome on, wrestlin! Daddy needs you more than ever. 4 zillion stars and not even in the Shuji Ishikawa/ Kohei Sato top five. http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x20i26t_kohei-sato-shuji-ishikawa-c-vs-kazuki-hashimoto-daichi-hashimoto-bjw_sport TOMORROW: Soooo much Big Japan Strongstyle and hopefully Dean Allmark in Japan! HELL YEAH!

DRIVERETTE 6132014 I've been writing everyday but I've also been busy so it's hard to get up a head of steam. But I did so BEHOLD, THE PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING! !@!@!@!@!@! KENTA KOBASHI PRODUCE- 6/8/2014- [DEAN RASMUSSEN] This is some kind mashed to together TV special with Kenta Kobashi fronting the money I'm assuming- and it is with true Spirit Of Wrestle and Romance, what with the comical teaming of disparate grapplers. Rejoice and see how far I get! Before wanting to punch myself in the face! And note that all the action is on Dailymotion lately- though I noticed if I used the Chrome Daily Motion downloader add-on, I no longer go into a homicidal rage trying to get fuckin Dailymotion to stream in a watchable manner. So huzzah to high tech add on gadgets! TAMON HONDA vs HAYATO MASHITA: Oh man, according to cagematch.de, Mashita was trained by Sayama and Orihara. My guess, he is a Yakuza don's nephew- and also note that Real Japan still runs shows and Orihara is STILL WRESTLING! How sleazy could he possibly look now? The mind boggles. The imagination races. Tamon Honda is now 50 years old- which is just two years older than your beloved reviewer, but he now looks like my long lost grampa. I'm sure he suplexes in ways that will make Mashita wish he was my grampa. Mashita has fabulous 80s hair with the broad rat-tail, sorta like a replacement keyboard player for Talk Talk- me n Honda are OLD, BITCH! We've seen some stuff! Like Talk Talk! They shake hands like wusses. They clean break like this is sunday school or something. Then they start beating the crap out of each other. Mashita is doing fine until Honda gets a headbutt in. Honda counters the Belly To Back Suplex by sinking in the headlock- so this is all about story telling! The Story: Don't be suplexing me, motherfucker- I'm old enough to be your daddy. Mashita procures an ankle lock and this is perfectly fine for your opener. Mashima tries another suplex but Honda does the awesome tricked-out Lucha roll-up and it looks like the story is now: If you could suplex me, you might, but I don't see it happening. Honda has aged well. I wish his Futen matches were on the internet. Whoa! The Honda Clutch and that's that. That was a wee wisp of a match. I see they make up for this later when the Kohei Sato- Diasuke Sekimoto tag match goes forty-fiveish. That's a lotta kicking to the throat. I am stoked. Meanwhile, in the phoenix-like rising from the rubble of Joshi Puroresu.... http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1zqeoe_tamon-honda-vs-hayato-mashita-fortune-dream-1_sport MEIKO SATOMURA vs HIROYO MATSUMOTO: I don't believe I've ever seen Matsumoto so I will go to cagematch.de and check it out! She is 28 years old, 5'6" and 156 pounds. She was trained by frickin Mariko Yoshida. And for those wondering (like me for example), Meiko Satomura is 34 years old, 5'2" and 150 pounds. She one year away from 20 years in the biz. It seems like just yesterday.... Anyway. Matsumoto has Maury Povich Guest hair. They shakes hands like a coupla wusses. They break clean like this is some kind of sunday school. They then begin beating the crap out of each other with elbows and shoulders and kicks to the thighs. They opt for an extended test of strength that Meiko wins but gets bodyslammed anyway. Matsumoto makes with the old ladies wrestling standards: Hair Snap Mare and one legged dropkick- and I am digging the GLOW and WOWisms. Meiko lands fruitily elaborate elbows and starts kicking Matsumoto right in the LadyPecs thus allowing her to procure the confusing Volk Hannish leg lock. Then it gets all smacky and elbowy and this is a peck of fun for a minute. Meiko with the running spinning savate crescent kick to set up landing on Matsumoto's knees from the top. Matsumoto on offence is very 1998 Billy Kidman based- in that there is too much of your victim laying around and waiting for you to hit whatever you are hitting. They smack each other in the face a lot and the Maury Povich vibe is deeper than just Matsumoto's hair stylings. Meiko with the Frog Splash and Matsumoto takes the Bicycle kick to the face and several other kicks. I dunno. I guess I'm just gauging it against the upcoming Kohei Sato epic, but I feel should lay this all in more. I mean, come on- Sato is going to fucking annihilate someone AND fucking Shuji Ishikawa is on this card. You don't want to look like Danicka Patrick in the Talladega of folks beating the hell out of each other. I dunno, I think I need to watch more Stardom and US gals and stop expecting folks I dug ten years ago to still have anything in the tank. So anyway, Matsumoto hits two Dangerous Backdrops and a Rotation Powerbomb and HEY! Let's here it for a finisher being a finisher! This was perfectly fine but it's not gonna make you forget the career of Lionness Asuka or anything. http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1zqexr_meiko-satomura-vs-hiroyo-matsumoto-fortune-dream-1_sport KENGO MASHIMO/ TANK NAGAI vs KOJI DOI/ SHUJI ISHIKAWA: Oh man, so Kenta Kobashi likes guys who punch guys in the face in Futen matches. One forgets how awesome Kengo Mashimo is because one only gets two or three chances to see him every year (if you are like me and survive on what the internet supplies.) I assume at some point Shuji Ishikawa and Kengo Mashimo will make you fall in love with pro wrestling all over again in this match at some point. Please note that Tank Nagai will fuckin lay it in. Shuji Ishikawa tags and he will also REALLY lay it in. JESUS, the worst decision by Tank Nagai ever: "I was thinking that it would really help my memory and motor skills if I stand in the middle of the ring and trade forearms to the face with Shuji Ishikawa- BECAUSE though Shuji Ishikawa has maybe shown before that he is prone to punching you dead in the face 5/4ths legit, I get that feeling that this being in a full Korakuen Hall and this being in front of Kenta Kobashi at ringside, Shuji Ishikawa will not try to bash my molars straight through the back of my neck." Nagai would probably regret thinking this if he could ever remember anything ever again. Shuji tags out. The corpse of Nagai wiggles and writhes towards his corner. Koji Doi busts him up a little bit more by flying into him in the corner. Shuji tags in and sinks in a headlock in the greatest act of mercy a human in a tag match with Shuji Ishikawa that you will probably ever see. Then he gets goes back to pulverizing Nagai until Nagai finally gets in a powerslam and tags in Mashimo. Mashimo and Shuji kick each in the stomachs of each other a lot until Mashimo Dragon Screws to advantage- allowing Tank Nagai a chance to get in some offence before Ishikawa fucking murders him with headbutts and an I Hate You So Much Arm Breaking Suplex. Nagai has the fighting spirit and takes it to Doi to allow Mashimo to do a little wrestling. Doi and Ishikawa try to see which is better at totally fucking decapitating Mashima with dueling 7/4ths legit lariats to the corner; I have to go with Ishikawa- but Doi does work preposterously stiff. Tank makes the save and Mashimo rends Doi's arm and shoulder in hilarious directions and finally sinks in the crossarmbreaker- allowing you and I to have the exquisite remembrance of BattlARTS tag matches past- where the most fun was seeing who could be the biggest dick breaking up a submission. Shuji Ishikawa weighs in early by dropping a knee across the teeth of Mishimo and I swear that I laughed with delight. What is wrong with me? Doi then drives the top of his head into the throat of Mashimo and this is no longer Mashimo's perfect fun day- though it is REALLY making my day. Mashimo responds by kicking Doi in the face a few times and procuring the Rings of Saturn- whoa!- FOR THE WIN! Okay, so Kobashi Pro will be all about protecting finishers. I back your play one hundred percent. THAT was fun. http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1zqf6a_kengo-mashimo-tank-nagai-vs-shuji-ishikawa-koji-doi-fortune-dream-1_sport @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@SINGLES ##############################GOING $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$STEADY ------------------------------------- !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MICHINOKU PRO- SHU BRAHMAN vs FUJITA JR HAYATO- 6/8/2014: June 8th was a big day for indie wrestling. The Kobashi Pro card and THIS! Shu Brahman will beat the hell out of you if in the right situation. Against Fujito Jr Hayato for the belt seems like a good situation. The Michinoku Pro Junior Heavyweight belt is fucking awesome looking. I cannot find a picture on the internet or I would share it with you. They shake hands like a coupla wusses. They have a clean break like this is some kind of sunday school. They roll around a bit and quickly trade holds. Then they start beating the hell out of each other by seeing who kick the other the hardest in the face- but really it's not exciting or stiff enough to actually be harrowing or life-changin or anything. They take it to the floor and water based comedy hijinx ensue- as opposed to anything compelling or intersting actually. Hmmmmm. I'm afraid this match is drifting off to the island of Suckassica and the riptide is Hilarious Wrestling. The finally get back in the ring and this is probably the last chance to bring this load of shit out of the sludge that was the first ten minutes. Shu works the arm and it kinda grounds the idiocy so its working in the right direction. And then they do some bowling into luggage. For a guy with an ass-kicker gimmick and for being a guy in a title match, Hayato sure works mighty loose in this. Hayato does do some counterbowling though so we will also have that. Shu puts on a Mistico mask and does that spinning Fujiwara armbar. They do more crowd chanting comedy spots. God, this match is horrible. Actually, I think this match is important because one needs to actually experience a match with guys who can have a perfectly fine 10 minute comedy match- if you like that shit, having a match that is 25 minutes long. My verdict for this particular example- INSUFFERABLE. I mean, you can work your comedy shit in the opener- when you got the belt, have a little dignity, ya morons. The last ten minutes is weak kicks leading to two counts. YOINKS. Hey, don't take my word for it, It's right there. It's still a fucking awesome belt. http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1zqef0_shu-brahman-c-vs-fujita-jr-hayato-michinoku-pro_sport

DRIVERETTE 652014 Must burn off the rest of the requested matches! But I'm very busy so this will be very wee. BEHOLD, THE PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING! @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@SINGLES ##############################GOING $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$STEADY ------------------------------------- $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ CWUSA- BILLY TWO EAGLES vs BUDDY WAYNE- 12/1/1996: Someone requested this and I OPTED to review it so I'm coming in cold on this one. But I did do my research. I read an interview with Buddy Wayne from Canoe.ca(1), figuring he was related to the best ever Tigermask (Ken Wayne), but alas it a different set of Waynes. I remember Billy Two Eagle from assorted matches in AWF and what have you. Yes, beloved reader, somebody is about watch some random wrestling and what could be better than that? A few things, sure! but that is neither here nor there. Buddy Wayne is on the STICK~! and he is stoked about kicking Two Eagles butt all over the greater Vancouver Metroplex. Buddy Wayne is like Ken Wayne in that they are both teeny tiny. Oh man, our Special referee is Bart Sawyer! It is WCW Enhancement ManiaClashCade! And Buddy Wayne beats on Bart Sawyer! For some reason! They carry out Bart Sawyer and get on with the Indian Strap Match. Buddy Wayne has good punches- far better than the unhurtiest Atomic Drop that Billy Two Eagles brung into the world in 1996. Jesus, Buddy Wayne was the enhancement wrestler's enhancement wrestler- as he offers up his whole nekkid back to Two Eagles Indian strap and does not flinch at leather across his back- as Two Eagles smacks him and smacks him and smacks him. Waynes transitions to offense by kinda grabbing Two Eagles around the hip area and headbutting him into the breadbasket. Wayne's punches get better as the match continues and Two Eagles leans into a lots of punches to the face, then punches with the strap, then just more punches to the face, and then Two Eagles totally blades like a total motherfucker. Two Eagles chops to come back but Wayne punches to cut him off- as this is from Vancouver but it is very Memphis. Wayne hits the sweet 70s Lateral Suplex and then hits a toprop elbow and goes for the fourth turnbuckle but Two Eagles pulls him with the strap and does the El hijo Del Santo Spinning Body Headscissors thingy to transition back to offense. Wayne cuts him of immediately with a clotheline more than a lariat and they take it the floor. Two Eagles lean way into a posting and blood is flying out of his head. The blood is assisted by Wayne double axe-handling avec une strap right across the place where the blood is spewing. Wayne hits an actual Bulldog and gets 2 feet from four corners but Two Eagles pulls him away does the Pro Wrestling Indian War Dance and blood is majestically flying out of his head as Wayne clocks him with a forearm across the BLOOD PLACE. He then TOMAHAWK CHOPS to offense and prays to the Native American God of Awesome Possible Hardway and I await Wayne to STEP UP TO THE FUCKING PLATE and bleed already. Two Eagles hits a missile dropkick and hits the fourth corner but the REF DIDN'T SEE IT as everybody runs in. A Haliburton is involved. Buddy Wayne cheats to win! I would have liked this more if Wayne would made with the bleeding but Two Eagles bleeds a fucking bucket for two, so I will let it slide in this case. I assume Buddy Wayne versus Bart Sawyer is somewhere on the internet. ------------------------ END NOTES 1.http://slam.canoe.ca/Slam/Wrestling/2011/08/05/18516116.html TOMORROW: BERNARD VIGNAL/ ANDRE DRAPP vs ROBERT DURANTON/ RENE LASARTESSE

DRIVERETTE 6112014 COURIER NEW, MOTHERFUCKER! I've been writing but not enough post so here's this. If you will,BEHOLD, THE PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING! @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@SINGLES ##############################GOING $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$STEADY ------------------------------------- $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ ISCHA ISRAËL/ JEAN CORNE vs CLAUDE GESSAT/ MARCEL MANNEVEAU- 1958?: Gessat and Manneveu are Les Blousons Noirs- which means the Black Jackets as far as I can tell. They both wear leatherjackets and I guess it was too early to call them Le Fonz et le Fonz ou Les Freres Fonzirelli! Manneveu has the amazingly French moustache and looks like Dave Thomas from SCTV. WHAT A HOSER! Ischa Isreal has astounding abs and has a more Freddie Mercury-ian moustache. These are the visual clues I use when I try to keep everybody straight. Be content knowing that I did research.(1) Gessat and Corne start off (unless Isreal discovered Hardees and no longer sports the six pack.) Man, French chain wrestlings needs make a massive comeback because it is an awesome way to kill two minutes in a match. Corne fights out of flying headscissors like Pat O'Connor fought out of a regular headscissors in that Dick Murdoch match we watched. Manneveu tags in and Corne snap mares and does a series of those El Hijo Del Santo spinning headscissor things. Manneveu cheats earlier so you know now to keep an eye for these leather jacket wearing punks before they steal our shit and start sniffing around our women. Corne with the chinlock that Manneveu counters into Keylock that Corne turns into a face-scrapy head scissors, thus making a sentence fragment more of distilled idea of the coolness of the sequence, thus allowing some brave soul a thousand years from now when the Archive.org is re-opened to diagram this sentence and they will wish the horror of the our modern times was left buried in the bottom of the sea STILL. Israel tags in and Manneveu makes with the Hammerlock and is taking all the cheapshots he can get in. BASTARD! Gessat tags in they smack Israel with the tag rope when the ref isn't looking. Okay, Les Blousons Noirs are thoroughly evil- what with one headbutting Corne in the back inside the ring while Manneveu knees him in the face on the outside. Manneveu is sooo smackable as a Tully Blanchard-esque heel. Israel opts to choke Gessat to transition to offense who then tags in Jean Corne and Corne is 700 flying head scissors as a house a-fire. Gessat is HHH-ian with his kneelift based offence, but so many million times cooler. Manneveu is the MOST fun as sheer evil on the apron. God, Gessat is the Terry Gordy to Mannevue's Buddy Roberts- as he brings the heel assbeat like a champ. Israel makes the crowd erupt with his house being a-fire. He and Mannavue slow it and Mannevue sinks in a totally awesome chinlock/cobra clutch precursor that works until John Corne tags in and he is the Man With The Snapmares- and then assaults Manneveu's kidneys with clubbing pee-enbloodening forearms. Then he drives his knees into the Manneveu's evil kidneys. Then Gessat and Corne do an inexplicable like FIVE concurrent wristlocks by the corner of Les blousons Noirs- thus allowing Mannevue to face the audience but randomly drive his heel into the Corne's back- enraging the rubes at ringside and delighting you and I, the veiwers in a distant future. Mannevue is fucking awesome. Corne Euro-Uppercuts to transition to offense to get the tag. Gessat bearhugs Israel and Israel goes totally Johnny Saint with the slipping out of the bearhug, the throwing Gessat into the ropes and then the rolling forward into a rana into a headscissors. Mannevue tags in and rips at the eyes to le horreur of the crowd. Jean Corne and Minnevue have an entire World of Sport match in like 45 seconds- its too awesome to try to describe- it makes one wonder how this style ever died. Israel comes in and hits the back breaker on Gessat so Gessat responds by throwing Israel into a full Hangman spot over the top ropes- I'm amazed his ear wasn't ripped off. It is ssooooooo fucking boss. Corne tags in goes back to de-kidney-ing Minneveu with giant throws across the ring, thus Minneveu gets the heck out of the ring and away from the sadistic babyface psycho called Jean Corne. Gessat and Corne do a leg scissors spot and then an elaborate Crucifix that Corne turns into a million part rope running spot that lead to Minneveu and Corne doing an even more elaborate rope running spot that leads to Minneveu cheating his way waaaaay deeper into your heart by sinking in the cheatingest Hammerlock in the history of wrestling. It's starts off with him driving his knee into Corne's temple and gets cheatinger as it continues. The great thing about the spot is that the basic hammerlock that isn't coated with cheating looks like it would fucking totally suck ass to be in. THEN A REF BUMP! Gessat steps on top of the ref because FUCK THE POLICE! Jean Corne settle down with a kneelock variation that I don't believe I've ever seen before. Basically a knee based keylock. the man who just stepped on the ref 45 seconds ago is complaining to said ref that Corne struck him in the throat- FUCKIN EVIL! Minneveu tags in and chokes and cheats but then fucks up by letting Israel tag in for babyface comeback number five. Minneveu bites illegally to procure fucked up leglock number 57 in the match. Israel headlocks to transition but Minneveu escapes and Corne comes in and les Blousons Noirs kick and cheat and Minneveu applies fucked up leg lock number 58 aaaand... the tape runs out. So le deuxieme installmente will be reviewed tomorrow. Or the next day. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BIG JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- DIASUKE SEKIMOTO/ KAZUKI HASHIMOTO vs RYUCHI KAWAKAMI/ SHINYA ISHIKAWA- 4/28/2014: I don't know why it has taken so long for me to get to this match. I love all these guys and I assume there wil many things that I like about wrestling out on display for our pleasure. Kawakami and Ishikawa are a regular thing now, I guess. I look forward to Shuji Ishikawa/Kohei Sato vs Kawakami/ Shinya Ishikawa at some point- though Sekimoto and K-Hash will beat the piss out of you also- so I'm excited. Ishikawa is wrestling with his hair in his eyes again- as he is trying to moisten the young ladies of the nation of Japan. Ishikawa makes with the fun extended Hammerlock As Headscissors section and we've killed 6 minutes! Kazuki Hashimoto and Kawakami tag in and K-Hash opts against mat work and instead decides to get kicking. Kawakami receives a few kicks and some very hurty elbows to the face before the Kanemoto/Ohtani face scraping begins. Sekimoto tags in and he and Kawakami trade chops to the lower throat and it is fun to watch them chop each other really hard. Ishikawa tags in and applies a headscissors- as they mirror the first half of their singles match until Ishikawa runs into the corner for an elbow but Sekimoto catches him and does the TOTALLY awesome EVEREST T-Bone Tazplex. Sekimoto sinks in the Sharpshooter and either this match is really cut in half or Sekimoto and Ishikawa wrestle a different style when they face each other- as this is the least amount of assbeating I've seen in a Big Japan Strong Style match. It is a change of pace so here's to you Sekimoto and Ishikawa. MEANWHILE, Hashimoto kicks Kawakami in the face A LOT, REALLY HARD and it's fun when the hyper-violence sticks out a little in the match. Ishikawa comes in and hits assorted suplexes and his Octapus Hold. The finish is Ishikawa hitting a Barry Windham dropkick on Sekimoto and then making Hashimoto tap to the Octapus. Yesssss. tap to the Octapus. Kawakami was basically there to absorb kicks and bump to the floor. That was a wee match- but not a bad way to kill 11 minutes. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Tz7_lxWyM8 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BIG JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- SUPER TIGER/ KAZUKI HASHIMOTO vs SHINOBU/ MEN'S TEIOH- 5/5/2014: What the fuck, let's just take a moment and clear out all the random Big Japan laying around in my Watch Later pile on Youtube. Hey, this Super Tiger isn't Sayama! I must research.(2) He is old but not that old. He was in BattlARTS at the end, so I'm pulling for ya, a Super Tiger if not the Super Tiger! Fuck it, hook-em up! Shinobu is here with his weird abs. MEN'S TEIOH has the worst moustache in all of Japan. Kazuki is looking sharp with the Living Bundt Cake hairstyle. He and Shinobu WORK FOR THE VERTICAL BASE and stuff. Shinobu with the clean break, like he can just stand in the ring with Kazuki and not get beaten to death. K-Hash kicks in the thigh early but Shinobu wants to make with tangly matwork so the folks will clap when they both get to their feet. Super Tiger tags in and he and MEN'S have the boringest wad of wrestling I've seen in a while. Gah! Shinobu and K-Hash wake us- the viewers- up by beating the fucking hell out of each other immediately. Fuck the police, Shinobu will fucking lay it in for a guy who weighs about as much as the average American's left leg (left thigh if gauging Americans at Wal-Mart. And why wouldn't you?) The Kanemoto-Ohtani facescrape is thwarted by a Shinobu dropkick which brings MEN'S back into the ring. And then Super Dragon. A note for SuperTiger: If you are going to be in a match where folks are gauging your strikes, be at least a 1/4 as legit as Kazuki Hashimoto, because if you don't, you will look like a total pussy. Super Tiger and Shinobu trade submissions and it is perfectly fine. Super Tiger tags in Hash and it get a LOT more fun. Kazujki sells a MEN'S Rings of Saturn like a champ and we will always have that. Shinobu tags back in because he could sense that I was fading- and they fight for the Brainbuster with K-Hash winning it with the FALCON mthfckng ARROW~! Super Tiger tags back in and lays it in a little versus Shinobu and does a submission I can't remember the name of but I'm definately trying on my nine year old at some point. Gah, Super Tiger goes over with a spinning moon crescent flying savat kick? Watch it below. Or don't. I recommend- don't. But i am not your mother. For the Real Japan Completists (I'm looking at YOU) in the DVDVR readership. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_WITxJ_FhQ %%%%%%%%%%%%%% BIG JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- MANABU SOYA vs HIDEYOSHI KAMITANI- 4/28/2014: Kamitani has been wrestling over two years so I guess they will let him do more than just dropkicks- though I'm guessing Manaboo is going to completely slaughter him in this match. Either way, it will be another random match I can get off my Watch Later List. Let's do this! Ah, this is the guy with plum paunts! He and Soya were tag partners in the only other match I recall him being in. Manabu is beloved by children as he comes to the ring. Kamatani quietly declines to shake hands. Soya points as if to say, "That's cool, brah. This ain't no sunday school." They work a headscissors spot where Manabu goes all National High School Cheerleading Championship team spirit fruity embellishment hand stand out of the headscissors to the bewilderment and delight of the crowd that basically showed to see guys stab each other in the head with ripped in half coke cans. Kamitani tests Manabu's strength and wins! Kamitani tests Manabu's chest with chops! And loses. Many times. Kamitani tests Manabu's jaw with forearms! And loses. Manabu decides that the Story Of The Match will not be the youngster challenging him, and will be more about Manabu beating him to death. Kamitani gets is a flurry of offence- including a very nice toprope shoulder block before Soya cuts him off with a 1975 Lateral Suplex and 1982 Cobra Clutch. Soya telegraphs a lariat and Kamitani counters with his own 1987 Gut Wrench Suplex. I guess these two sit around and watch old Steiner Brothers matches. And Kamitani with another shoulder block but in the ring- so I guess they watch old Steiners versus Road Warriors matches. Soya with the Vertical Suplex and I dig the fact that this match is a total throwback as the finish is Soya with a 1970s Lariat. This was good- though I was expecting less than nothing. Go ahead, watch it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75RkYCCe4RM END NOTES 1. Your Iischa Isreal profile with picture of said abs: http://wrestlingdata.com/index.php?befehl=bios&wrestler=11371&bild=1&details=11 ; Wikipedia page on Jean Corne: http://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jean_Corne; the place where you get the names of les blousons noirs: http://www.wrestling-titles.com/europe/spain/spainhistory.html 2. According to Cagemtch.de, this Super Tiger is from Real Japan Pro, his name is Yuji Sakuragi and he is 36 years old. He was in BattlARTS at the end.

DRIVERETTE 642014 BEHOLD, THE PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING! @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@SINGLES ##############################GOING $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$STEADY ------------------------------------- $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ NOCHES DE COLISEO- SILVER STAR vs CHARLES LUCERO- 3/2/2014: This match has been sitting here forever. I think it is because I wasn't sure if Charles Lucero(1) was the same guy I remember from that Rey Hechicero match that showed up last year. Hey, it is: My guess: Wads of fucked up lucha libre matwork! For whatever reason, Silver Star(2) is billed as Silvder Star, though he is too fat to be Decnis under a mask! I SWEAR! This is for the World Middlewieght Championship and I would expect a traditional Lucha Libre title style match- not that you expect Lucero to mix in a bucket of blood in with all the tricked out lucha holds. But I digress. Lucero latches on the keylock early which Silver Star counters into a hammerlock to lead to Lucero kickstarting the tangled up submission holds, as he makes with an INSIDE Step Toe-Hold that Silver Star counters into a Step OVER toehold. Oooooh FUN! And it's an INVERTED SURFBOARD! Okay, Silver Star isn't afraid to bring the crazy Mexican submissions as he procures a full fledged Indian Deathlock- but he doesn't do it like Paul Jones used to apply it- en lieu, he starts on the ground and works Lucero's legs into position. Jesus, this match is going to be fucking insane. Lucero counter with his OWN Indian Death Lock somehow but Star counters out and they go to a vertical base. And this is more Lucha mat wrestling than I've seen in a while. They do some more intricate stuff leading up to the preposterously awesome Lucero submission- it's (a) a back-to-back spinning wristlock into a (b) hammerlock with a © side single leg takedown with a (d) reverse cross-armbreaker? (d) Sorta? I've seen like a,b, and c- and I've seen b,c, and d, but I don't think I've seen a,b,c, and d together before. We are six and half minutes in and I've had to try to look up four moves- mostly unsuccessfully. Second fall is really quick with a batch of fast moves that quickly ends with an Atlantida for Silver Star to take the fall. The third fall starts all kinds of awesome: Your ref has disturbing leather pants. Silver Star does an in-ring tope, then misses an in-ring tope, then armdrags Lucero- who FIFTY-THREE FUCKING YEARS OLD- over the toprope to the floor. Silver Star then throws his big fat ass through the ropes crushing Lucero- in one the fatter assed topes you will see this year. Lucero has the look that folks our age make daily, "Motherfuck, I am too motherfucking old to be putting up this kind of bullshit." Instead of going into the shower, curling up in a ball and crying about the injustice of aging and life in general, Lucero GETS UP and CONTINUES WRESTLING FOR THE muthafukkin BELT! YOU GO, MY BROTHER! Lucero walks straight into Crippler Crossface that he spins out of, procuring the Abdominal Stretch that he rolls into a pinning predicament, but Silver Star kicks out and rolls into a Reverse Gorie Special or maybe an inverted Gorie Special that Lucero powers into a roll-up. Silver Star does the awesome modified Dragon Sleeper into a fuckin EVEREST Vertical Suplex. He goes for second but Lucero powers the big fucker over into his own Vertical Suplex. This whole time they are sharing a mutual headlock- as it is sort of Duelling Three Amigos. They fly around a bit and Lucero dodges a shoulderblock through the ropes which allows him to both crush Silver Star with a tope and nearly crush the dating couple sitting in the front row. Silver Star gets back in the ring and applies the weird ass counterwieght submission that has baffled the world from time immortal. They do some nearfalls before Lucero misses a toprope splash and allows Silver Star to do the OTHER baffling Counterweight Submission where you tangle up the legs, hold the wrists while your victim is facedown and his actual face is rubbing against the mat. Silver Star misses an ill-conceived moonsault so Lucero gets in a Romero Special before EVERYBODY bumps gigantic to the floor. Lucero does a true no-hands Jerry Estrada over-the-toprope bump to the floor, while Silver Star is not afraid to sprint off the apron, miss a senton and splat flat on his back. Every body lays around a while and contemplates each other's fate. There is much comforting from seconds with towels. Lucero limps into ring first and Silver Star limps more into the ring. Lucero then just fucking CRUSHES Silver Stars head with an absolutely crazy second rope senton. Lucero adds a superfluous elbow drop and Silver Star kicks out! It is for the belt. Silver Star is showing true FIGHTING SPIRIT! Lucero goes up top but Silver Star catches him and armdrags him off the top to the mat. He gets Lucero up for the Atlantida- but Lucero rolls, gets to his feet and- this took a little research- applies the first steps of a Dos Caras Special- where Dos Caras would do a no-hands Sharp-Shooter, but Lucero puts him in a sitting position and stretches the shoulder. FOR THE WIN! AND THE BELT! What a fucking lunatic match. To be 53 and taking those kind of bumps, Charles Lucero is your lord and master. -------------------------- END NOTES 1. Per Cagematch.de, Charles Lucero is 53, 5'7" and 189 pounds. He debuted in May 1975. thus he started at age 15. HARLEY RACE, BITCHES! 2. Per Cagematch.de, Silver Star is 40 and 5'7". He was 2 years old when Lucero debuted. I was 9. TOMORROW: Francaise? Oui? Non? Comme-si, comme-ca?

DRIVERETTE 622014 I was too busy to write yesterday, which is endlessly annoying. Today is another day. BEHOLD, THE PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING! @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@SINGLES ##############################GOING $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$STEADY ------------------------------------- $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ STARDOM- ACT YASUKAWA vs KELLIE SKATER- 12/29/2013: I was watching the Serena Deeb videos from Canada and I kept clicking on the matches on the side and kept drifting deeper and deeper into Modern Joshi/ American Laaady Wrestling. I go by the credo, "Subscribe, what's the worst that can happen?" Well, there is a very large underground gay wrestling body worship scene of whicht one ends up in the middle after going too far off the original match you were watching. Hey, I'm not your mom- dig what you want. Anyway, this match showed up as a result of deep dragnet subscribing. I've seen Kellie Skater(1) somewhere before but I can't put my finger on what it was I was watching. So I watched a little of this match and noted that she isn't afraid to lay it in and that Act Yasukawa(2) isn't afraid to lay it in, so let us review this for seven minutes (plus research time.) Act has all kinds stuff- eyepatch, skirtbelt, sheer half sleeves; one can only hope that she develops a monocle and paisley armband at some point. She is all aboot the dropkicks early and she then drives her heel into Skater's throat through the ropes- a move dick regardless of the size of the heel driver. Skater responds by kicking Act in the thigh a whole lot with some pretty nasty looking kicks and then knocking her over with a kick to the part of the body where, one day, Act will sport a cashmere halter top - to be held on by an elaborate Celtic Brooch (one would think). Skater hits a DDT and starts to kicking ACT again. Skater goes up top for some reason and misses, allowing Act to hit the toprope senton. Then is kinda degenerates into assorted midgrade spots that they rush through. ACT screams and kicks and hits another Senton to allow her to hit the tiniest K-Driller in the history of Joshi! A wee review for a wee match! I'll keep an eye on these two. There seems to be the possibilty of fun at some point for both of these gals. Postmatch, someone tinier than Act Yasukawa comes in and yells at her. I assume she wants a shot at the awesome looking Stardom belt- what with the big silver star with a crown. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QeAs0AvH3aE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BIG JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- DIASUKE SEKIMOTO vs SHINYA ISHIKAWA- 5/5/2014: Big Japan is the promotion I'm most into these days, and I don't even watch half of their cards. I really dig their Strong Style division and I'm kinda getting into Shinya Ishikawa's (3) Strong World Heavywieght title reign- even though he is the like seventh most interesting wrestler in Big Japan. Sekimoto is the 8th most interesting, but- HEY!- that's still a match-up that is interesting to me, so here we go. After doing a little research- which means going to Ishikawa's file at Cagematch.de, I see that Ishikawa was trained by Sekimoto. Will the disciple overtake the MASTER?!?!? Hook'em up and we'll find out. It's like that Murdoch/Pat O'Connor match early- as Ishikawa does the head scissors section and Sekimoto does the head lock section. One can only hope that Sekimoto makes a hilarious face while holding on to his last front tooth after being punched in the face. Then hopefully he get on the mic and yell, "C'mer Shinya Ishikower! Yeah, that's right- go home and crytoyermomma!" Until then: Head Scissors. Actually, they are working it pretty much like Murdoch and O'Conner- except Sekimoto tries a few arm bars before getting sucked back into the head scissors. After five minutes, they ACTUALLY SWITCH OVER TO THE HEADLOCK SECTION. So Big Japan channels basic 70s wrestling while incorporating the Strong Style- yet another reason to dig Big japan Pro Wrestling. Now if they could just get back to having a death matches that I give a crap about, we'd really be on to something. The head lock section is more truncated than the head scissor section so they can begin driving their forearms into each other's heads. Sekimoto ventures into Angry Kohei Sato levels of headsmashing that leads up to Ishikawa leaning into a lariat like a total champ. Sekimoto hits a very nice elbow drop and heads back to the 70s idea with a chin lock to lead to the leading edge of the 70s- the Brainbuster. From there, a Boston Crab and Ishikawa fights to the ropes. Ishikawa flies into the corner but Sekimoto catches him and hits the EVEREST T-Bone Tazplex that ishikawa No-Sells-Then-Sells- as he hits a Discus Forearm before collapsing. Ishikawa hits assorted forearms and a nice Northern Lights suplex before latching on the Octapus Hold to make Sekimoto fight for the ropes. Sekimoto lariats to transition and hits a Love Machine Splash for two. Sekimoto makes with the Sharpshooter. It appears that are replacing the usual Big Japan Strongstyle sections of Textbook Of Knowledge Destroying Battles Of Forearms And Lariats with assorted submissions. Sekimoto starts the finish of the match off with a nasty sideways Brainbuster followed by a 5/4ths legit lariat into an monstrous EVEREST German With A Bridge! Ishikawa kicks out at two! Ishikawa clings to the ropes as Sekimoto knows that he can't make it through two consecutive Everest Germans! Ishikawa loses his grip with one hand, then the other! And he elbows his way out the suplex attempt to procure his own Octupus Hold to try and stop the freightrain that is Diasuke Sekimoto! Sekimoto counters out and they both OPT to catch up on the whole skull crushing that they were averting with submissions- and it is pretty fucking great with Ishikawa applying the Cravate to make for easier kneeing to Sekimoto's face. THEN a dropkick for two. Ishikawa has a weird offense. THEN he leans waaaay into the Octapus hold and Sekimoto taps! What a strangely good match. Not that I was expecting it to suck, but I wasn't expecting to have much stuff thrown at me- the submissions especially. Good show, young Big Japan Strong Style Guys! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JonUAe4M12c $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ WESTSIDE XTREME WRESTLING- JOHNNY GARGANO vs BIG DADDY WALTER- 3/15/2014: Being an internet bigshot, people like Alan from Figure Four keep me abreast of matches to look for. He was at this live and would have gone but I couldn't drive my Honda Odyssey to Germany. THINK OF THE TOLLS! Anyway, there was a wonderous time when I had DirecTV. It had every lunatic sports channel in all of North America. My fave was STO from Ohio. It would show the Otterbein vs Muskingum grid iron battles! It would show the truly awesome local MMA promotion that kept YOU in touch with every local Cuyahoga county dojo graduate who would show up to fight the toughest guy from Tuscarawas county. It also had Pro Wrestling Ohio- which was kind of a less polished version of New England Championship wrestling but it did have Jason Bane- who would lay it in- and the awwwesome total douchebag heel, Johnny Gargano. I've done everything III can do to make his feud with Jeremy Irons be considered legendary. The ACTUAL HORROR and LEGIT heel heat Gargano got from slamming an actual handicapped wrestling headfirst into the railing was PHENOMENAL. The fact that Irons wasn't afraid to blade like fucking psycho propelled the feud to Ernie Ladd/Ox Baker St Louis strata of sheer hatred for a heel. It was awesome. Then I had to make the business decision to switch from DirecTV to FIOS and lost 5/6ths of the lunatic sports channels. Then I heard that Gargano was wrestling as a face somewhere and I quickly wrote off Gargano as pretty boy who missed his evil calling. Then I heard that he was back to form in this match. So imagine my excitement! Big Daddy Walter fucking TOWERS over Gargano in this- but Gargano lays in a forearm to start the proceedings. Gargano has nice punches for a guy I never noticed punch before. The Story is that Gargano is trying to avoid getting ripped in half and stomped into a rug by the giant teutonic maniac called Big Daddy Walter. Gargano gets Big Daddy into the corner and does the double time front of the hand/back of the hand chops, causing Walter to power him into the adjacent corner and fucking collapse both of Gargano's lungs and sternum and ribs with a smack to chest. This has the Young Bucks vs Kevin Steen/ Super Dragon "someone is getting beaten into your heart" kind of vibe. But we move on. Gargano has a look of sheer horror as he crawls to the other side and takes another chop and THEN takes a giant fucking Brainbuster. OH GOD! Walter fucking swings for the fences with the figurative high hanging fastball which is Gargano's chest, as the pain is multiplied as Walter then slams him to the mat. Walter then does that awesome spot where he basically does a modified Garvin Stomp, but from a standing position, drives his knee into the knee and elbow joints of his opponent. He then drops a fucking fat ass knee drop across the face and if you don't love Johnny Gargano for leaning into that, you're kind of a dick. Walter misses a kneedrop on the apron and Gargano topes and brings the punches and you wonder why he would ever stop. Gargano works the knee for minute and it immediately goes back to the NEW story: "Johnny Gargano is basically trying to fight a live grizzly bear now." Gargano says to himself, "If I can break the bears leg, it will crawl back into the woods,"- tears coming down his face. Gargano tries to break his leg on the ringpost but the bear wins and the bear is angry. The bear crushes Gargano's nuts against the ring post. Gargano gets another chance to work the knee after Walter misses an Elbow drop. He does a few offhand Volk Han-isms and tries to fight off Walter as he powers his way out eventually. Walter uses his bad knee to crush Gargano's face and fucking SLAUGHTERIZES him with Satan's Own Lariat. JEZUUZ. Gargano being insane, kicks out at two. Walter goes up top but Gargano catches him and goes for the ICONOCLASM~! Walter holds on to the rope, pushes Gargano away and fucking MURDERS Gargano with a toprope fatboy dropkick. Walter sells the knee and I'm assuming Gargano didn't have to actually sell anything. Walter slaps him around and Gargano keeps kicking him in the knee. Walter goes for a GTS but his knee gives way, allowing Gargano to lock in a Crossface until Walter makes the ropes. Walter hits a fucking GIGANTIC SUWA Double Dropkick and this match rules. There is a run-in for some reason and then it's back to Walter killing Gargano and Gargano fighting out and getting another Crossface. They then have a few too many nearfalls but it leads to Walter powerbombing Gargano STRAIGHT TO HELL! Yeah, I love this match. It had too many nearfalls at the end, but I'm torn because it all leads up to seeing more of Walter's offense- which is just majestically beautiful. Yeah, the gigantic ass-beating Gargano takes makes up for the nearfall section that is hard to buy. But yeah, you're gonna wanna watch this. ---------------------------------- END NOTES 1. Considering what a lovely young lady Kellie Skater is, Cagematch.de has the worst pictures of her on the internet. She needs to send them some headshots- or at least a couple pictures with her eyes open. She is 26, 5'7", 128 pounds and was born in Australia. 2. Per cagematch.de; Act Yasukawa is 27, 5'4" and YES! 125 pounds. She has been wrestling 2 years and uses the KENDO! 3. I never actually researched Shinya Ishikawa. Cagematch.de sez he is 29, 5'11, 207 pounds. He was trained by Disauke Sekimoto. TOMORROW: FRANCAISE!

DRIVERETTE 5302014 DVDVR172 is set to launch any minute now. I don't if this will be in 172 or 173. Either way, BEHOLD, THE PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING! @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@SINGLES ##############################GOING $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$STEADY ------------------------------------- $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ WORLD WRESTLING CONCIL- TERRY FUNK vs RICK MARTEL- 9/20/2014: This match is awesome for the simple reason that it is every single example of goofball schtickt that Terry funk does in the body of his matches- but all in one place. It starts with Funk getting his hat stomped on by Martel- a variation on my all time favorite Funk Hat Bits where Lee Scott grabs Funk's hat, puts it on and does a hillbilly dance- thus allowing Funk a REASON to to just beat the hell out of Lee Scott. Here. it's more to get Martel over with the PR rubes. And it works. The body of the match is a lot like the body of the Barry Windham match from a year earlier- Funk flailing around and spazzing out to everything. Funk sells to the back of the building to the near-comical punches by Martel and goes even broader with the head pounding into the top turn buckle. He flops around, gets his branding iron, yells at the crowd- it's really just elaborate stalling. It's a quarter way through when they finally lock up- Funk goes on the offensive and body slams Martel to allow Funk to go to the top turnbuckle, lose his balance and crush his testicles on the toprope. Terry Funk is kinda like Eddie Van Halen running up and down the stage doing "Eruption"- except replacing the hammer ons and pull-offs with crazy ass Terry Funk wrestling spots. Funk spends a minute walking around and dealing with his fractured junk and Martel REALLY could have stayed in Montreal for this match- hell, he mights as well have been the Italian Stallion for the amount of time he gets in this match. Funk solves his groin crisis, throws chairs into the stands! (luckily there is a net there to protect wrestler and crowd, but for a minute there you assume that Terry Funk has totally fucking lost his mind.), gets into a shoving match with someone at ringside. Yeah, Terry Funk is fucking crazy. Martel pops back up into the match as they run the ropes, Martel slinks out of the match as Terry Funk gets his stomach stuck on the toprope and thus allows Martel to yank his paunts down, exposing the Funkster's shiny white hiney to the world. Funk, not the most subtle of pro wrestlers, opts to continue with his buttocks exposed. Funk unexposed his hinder so can gets up into the grill of more people in the audience- and I await Funk to set some chairs on fire and throw them at the ringside crowd. Jesus, what did the talk about when they got to the ring. MARTEL: We'll just do a regular wrest... FUNK: Rick MARTEL. I'm just gonna do everything they don't let me do in America! RICK MARTEL. I'm gonna do everything they don't let me do in JAPAN! RICK MARTEL! I am feeling like doing something SPECIAL TONIGHT. MARTEL: Oh Jesus... 11 minutes in, Funk is doing clean breaks as I'm loving him wildly bucking to get out of the headlock. Funk makes up for the two cleans breaks by crushing Martel's man marbles while headlocking him. He then Piledrives him on the infield of the stadium and stomps him in the dirt- thus going from one crazy form of Funkism to a much more violent form of Funkism. Martel is just kinda standing, waiting for the wrestling to be applied to him- as he realizes that Funk is the weird ass Terry Funk Match Zone. Funk takes it back to the ring and applies a sleeper. Martel goes way big is selling the escape and really starts chewing the scenery- because why the fuck not, Terry Funk is going for the wrestling goofball Oscar in this match- when Funk starts choking him with tape. Martel gets the tape from Funk and starts choking his and Funk goes total fucking Liza Minelli In Cabaret big in selling it. Funk escapes a sleeper by send both of them over the toprope. Funk does the Funk Wearing Of A Chair and Martel FUCKING PILEDRIVES HIM WHILE FUNK IS WEARING THE CHAIR! Terry Funk is FUCKING CRAZY. Funk tries to get in the ring, chair draped around his head. Martel realizes this is the only chance he has to make a dent in this match and starts laying it in on Funk. They run the ropes a little and Martel hits a Sunset Flip and Funk cheats to win by holding on to the ropes. Funk taunts Martel and the crowd as they all look for batteries and dirty diapers to pelt Funk with. Terry Funk is wrestlings version of Marlon Brando- a uncontrollable force of nature that is so brilliant when brilliant that you can't really believe it. This match is up in there somewhere underneath these kind of matches that have all this plus a lot of blood and fire. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2QrKiEbMdRo @@@@@@@@@@@@@ LA LUTTE PROFESSIONNELLE- RENE BEN CHEMOUL/ GILBER CESCA vs THE BLACK DIAMONDS- 2/28/1965: Schneider said I should watch this and Schneider is a man who knows what I like. So to speak. So here we go. I tried do the RESEARCH~! on this but all I could come up with was that Rene Ben Chemoul died at age 85 in 2010 after a long bout with dementia. He started wrestling in 1947 for his father's promotion . His dad was a famous French wrestler also. Or that is what the google translation lead me to believe. TIGRE DE LA LUTTE~!(1) The rest is in the ring.(2) (Man, you can REALLY lose a few hours if you go to the Wikipedia Catcheur page.) I took 90 years of French in high school and college (note that I was a Flock of Seagulls live in high school and I saw Sonic Youth live on the EVOL tour in college) and pretty much the only thing I remember is "tranche du jambon"(3), thus I'm don't really know what our suave announcer is saying. The Black Diamonds are AWESOME- they don't just look evil, they don't just look carney evil- they look Euro-Carney Evil. If I was told they were roustabouts by day and wrestlers by night, that would make my week. They remind me of the evil strong man in the movie FREAKS.(4) They need a slutty valet- someone that one of them will throws knives at while blind folded. Cesca is hairless and is your early Richard Mortone as the Black Diamonds cheat like total motherfuckers in between the strikingly beautiful Snakepit-Cum-Negro Navarro Lucha Libre/Lutte Libre matwork. Your very fat, all-white beclad ref is very easily distracted. Our suave announcer is magnifique being delighted at the befuddlement of the Black Diamond as he flails off the toprope to the mat- as Cesca kicks the ropes to put an end of the series of Black Diamonds vaulting down to Cesca's stomach, foot-first, off the top. MAN! This is QUALITY EVIL by the Black Diamonds- but they cannot stop le Tigre de la lutte! Rene Ben Chamoul sports near enough body hair to be nicknames Le Dirty Dutch de la Lutte! Though not on his back. Though he could be manscaping in 1965- hell, this is a straight up Southern tag match in France in 1965. London was swinging but the FUTURE was Paris! Chamoul is awesome with the World Of Sport joint holds- as if Jim Breaks accidentally used Rogaine instead of tanning oil- with the awesome Hammerlock sequence substituting where 70s wrestlers would do a five minute You Cannot Escape My Headlock sequence. Chamoul stretches the Black Diamond's hamstring in assorted ways until Cesca comes off the top and crushes the knee of the Black Diamond. The crowd is enchanted as double team the Black Diamond- ce qui est bon pour l'un est bon pour l'autre! then the other Black Diamond dives in and your babyfaces tangle their legs together- like two Johnny Saints that don't put mayonnaise and vinegar on all their organ-boiled food. Cesca- French, smooth-skinned, debonair- does super-Jim Breaks rolling knee things and to not love him is to not love life. Your Black Daimonds try to TRANSITION~! to l'offence by cheating like total motherfuckers but the ref finally notices something, allowing Cesca to tag in Chamoul. Our sophisticated announcer is thoroughly amused by the Tiger of Wrestling catapulting one Black Diamond into the stomach of the other Black Diamond- and you are delighted also, mon petit chou. A Black Diamond sinks in a sleeper and they do EVERY heel tagteam move the Midnight Express ever did in every Rock and Roll Express match just short a Divorce Court. Cesca is awesome being enraged on the apron. Cesca is also awesome being beaten to death by the immensely evil Black Diamonds. They do the unseen tag and the Black Diamonds beat the fuck out of Cesca as the ref tries to clear Chamoul out of the ring! This is fucking awesome. One Black Diamond has Cesca in a 3/4 Mexican Ceiling Hold while the other Black Diamond crushes Cesca's face with European uppercuts. This match would work anywhere on earth- as this is basically a Nightmares match with better matwork. Chamoul and Cesca transition to offence by double teaming a Black Diamond's evil beard- with Cesca crashing down on it from the toprope while Chamoul held the beard in place- sort of a Beauty School Doomsday Device. The Black Diamonds top this by procuring the TWO MAN CRAVATE and bouncing Chamoul all over the ring with it. This wrestling came from outer space. Then it's knees and uppercuts and back to the Two Man Cravate until Cesca and Chamoul counter with their own Two Man Cravate. Then they run the ropes and the babyfaces hit assorted dropkicks and we have a roll-up for the first fall. All that Chamoul and Cesca need are cut up Poison t-shirts and video montage of them hanging out in a hayloft and they could the first Midsouth tag champs. Second fall, it's a babyface offense bonanza- as Chamoul goes dropkick crazy after countering out of double keylock. Chamoul tags out but still assists as Cesca hits a 1965 Missile Dropkick. A Black Diamond counter this highspot bonanza by bashing Cesca's skull into the knee of the other Black Diamond. They try it agina but THINGS GO WRONG. So they cheat to get back on offense and then it goes all Malenko with leg tangling nearfalls- so they opt to stand up and beat le merd out of each other. Man, Cesca will fucking lay it in. Chamoul tags in and goes totally Ric Flair. He stand and spins on a Black Diamond's face and then starts crossfacing him while he is on his knees and hits a Atomic Elbow and THEN a 4/4 legit senton. The Black Diamond tags out like a little bitch and the other Black Diamond takes a senton and nobody in evil black trunks is happy. Cesca gets caught by a black Diamond and they double team on the Boston Crab- kicking him in the head like cheating motherfuckers as the ref scolds Chamoul for something across the ring. Cesca spins and rolls and jumps to escape and Chamoul tags in and does an elaborate set up for a Mule Kick and then does a very unelaborate 5/4 legit European Uppercut. Then Cesca hits a 6/4 Legit upper cut. Then Cesca just starts fuckin beating on him LIKE A DOG! Yeah, it would suck to wrestle Gilber Cesca. The Black Diamonds finally corral him and beat him down a little and then start pummeling Chamoul with with these great looking forearms to set up a Black Diamond victory roll to take the second fall. This match has everything so far. I reminds me of Steamboat/ Youngblood vs Flair/ Valentine when I was a kid. The third fall is the Black Diamonds taking giant back bumps of monkey flips. Chamoul goes totally Midsouth with the Mr Wrestling 2 knee lift. The Black Diamonds respond with the same finish as the second fall BUT Cesca walks over to the other side of the ring and I wonder if we will actually see and Doomsady Device TWENTY YEARS BEFORE THE ROAD WARRIORS- en lieu, Chamoul hits a dropkick to the back of the Black Diamond and Cesca gets the roll-up for the pinfall. That match was a HOOT. I assume there are World Of Sport matches with the Black Diamonds. I should search for those. Watch all this. This fucking ruled. -------------------- END NOTES: 1. http://www.lemonde.fr/sport/article/2010/09/17/le-catcheur-rene-ben-chemoul-est-mort_1412706_3242.html . he also has a stub: http://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ren%C3%A9_Ben_Chemoul 2. Though if you go to the Catcheur page a French Wikipedia, there is a link to the Lee Benaka's article on Religious imagery in pro wrestling- AHEM which we host. DVDVR is bad, DVDVR is nation-wide... http://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catcheur 3. Slice of ham. 4. The Black Diamonds were British. According to wrestlingdata.com, Abe Ginsberg was born 12/21/1936 somewhere in the UK. All we know about Eric Kendall is that he was born in York, North Yorkshire, England. http://wrestlingdata.com/index.php?befehl=tagteams&team=54600 TOMORROW: Saturday! DVDVR 172 will probably come out at some point this week-end.

DRIVERETTE 5232014 BEHOLD, THE PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING! $%$%$%$%$%$%$%$% PRO WRESTLING NOAH- 5/17/2014 Nothing looks more boring than your average NOAH card line-up. So many anonymous gaijin. So many Japanese guys you stopped being excited about seeing ten years ago. But then you actually watch the NOAH and most of it is as tedious as you expected- but then you realize why you used to get excited about some of these guys. Hope springs eternal until the first boring ass juniors match throws you out of the sky, plowing into the hard earth below... MITSUHIRO KITAMIYA vs HITOSHI KUMANO: Ha! The youth of NOAH are unknown to my aging eyes. I shall let the RESEARCH! wash over me.(1) These guys have 3 years experience betwixt them so I may just count the dropkicks. Kitamiya was trained by Kensuke Sasaki so maybe he will crush the other littler fella. We can always hope. Oooo, Kumano is a wee fellow. Kitmiya towers over Kumano and owns a giant man-rack. He will crush Kumano with his mighty boobs! Instead, they have a basic rookie opening card match. The highlight of the first half of the match is a keylock by Kitamiya. One always wonders how these make it on TV. Well, at least we have it that Kitamiya will lay it in- as being trained by Sasaki and Masa Sato would dictate. Dropkick number one! Kumano is all fiery with his forearms to the head of Kitamiya, so Kitamiya gets in his own dropkick to get us up to our second dropkick. And then a counter dropkick- number three. Kumano hits a very nice Fisherman Suplex and bridges deeply the bridge of bridging. Ooo, fun nearfalls by Kumano. Kitamiya cuts him off with the Abdominal Stretch and the crowd starts chanting something, I'm guessing "Take it home!" but my Japanese language skills are non-existent. Kitamiya applies the half crab and we are in the homestretch. The crowd gets behind wee Kumano's fighting spirit as he tries to fight out of the Octopus Hold but it is no use. He taps like a tiny rookie will tap. You could whole life without seeing this, but I didn't hate this match at all. It was a fine rookie match- but there is nothing more unneccessary than a televised rookie match. But I'm not your mom, man. Do what you want with this thing. http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1w6w1j_mitsuhiro-kitamiya-vs-hitoshi-kumano-noah_sport MOTHERFUCKING DIASUKE MOTHERFUCKING IKEDA vs HAJIME OHARA: I know that a Hajime is a clasp one uses with a scarf, I'm assuming HERE that a Hajime is a wrestler who gets the holy dogshit beaten out of himself. At one point, Diasuke Ikeda was my favorite wrestler on this planet Earth. Then he disappeared almost completely, except for a Futen match here and there- which were usually motherfucking awesome. And then you get the occasional mailed-in NOAH tag match. Here's hoping that he feels the power of the BattlARTS in this singles match and we all get to feel bad about Hajime Ohara never remembering any of his times tables ever again. Speaking of Hajime Ohara, let me sink my arms deeply into the RESEARCH.....(2) Allright, come on, Ikeda. Make me not hate NOAH Ikeda. Ikeda has the big sword and Ikeda is attacked before he get his robe off. Ohara throws him into the rail because in NOAH, everyone gets thrown into the rail. Ohara double dropkicks Ikeda straight into the buttocks and I can only assume that Ikeda is going to fucking maul this guy at some point. En Lieu, Ohara hits a Vertical Suplex and applies a comical submission- as Ohara wrestled in CMLL and wants to show this to everyone in the building and TV and on the internet. Ikeda begins the ass-beating section of the match with a flying spinning savat crescent kick to the face. Then Ikeda kick him in the face two more times- and I can't lie, I'm feeling it for this match. ikeda kicks him dead in the face three more times and goes for the pin. Ohara, obviously losing all memory of the career of Diasuke Ikeda due to the 7 kicks to the face, kicks out at two. Ikeda keylocks and Ohara's basic motor skills are saved. Ohara makes the ropes and Ikeda, being Daisauke Ikeda, starts kicking him as he is rolling on the mat. Ooooh man, that's the stuff right there. And he pump handles Ohara's arm and kicks him in the face a few more times. Ohara flashes back to 2002 and whips out a Backstabber as we snicker to help go through a small barrage of Lucha Libre roll ups- as he wants to emphasize his lucha background with a Shootstyle guy for whatever reason. At 8:55, he decides to trade elbows to the face with Diasuke Ikeda- which would be like me trading elbows with Diasuke Ikeda. Nobody should do that. Ohara gets a couple of shots in but Ikeda rolls through them as if he was in motherfucking BattlARTS for ten years- and then just fucking destroys Ohara with a headbutt to the bridge of the nose and a roundhouse kick to the back of the head. YEESH! You forget over time that Ikeda really doesn't give a fuck about you and your whining about it being 3/4 legit.. Ohara opts against every good decision he could make in his life and kicks out at two. Ikeda just fucking SLAUGHTERIZES the mortal reamins of Ohara with a lariat and MAAAAAAN, does falling in love with NOAH Diasuke Ikeda feel great. Reunited and feeeels soo goooood! Reunited and it's uuuuuunderstooood... JILLION motherfucking STARS. http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1w6xc7_daisuke-ikeda-vs-hajime-ohara-noah_sport DIASUKE HARADA vs QUIET STORM (wait, what?) vs ZACK SABRE JR: Quiet Storm! I haven't seen him wrestle since.... man, 2003? This is like the other day when my youngest daughter had an art opening for her art class in the city (RVA! Richmond! Richmond, Virginia!) and me n my oldest daughter went to Martin's in Carytown to get a raw veggie platter for the snack section of said art opening(3). We went to the place where you scan it yourself and who was at the next scanner? My friend Andy! I hadn't seen him in months! He had a new band that needed a singer. I said, "I can sing!" I bring you this mundane story because I am killing time. I am WAAAY to stoked about Ikeda beating someone's ass- and it is time for all my good feeling to smash into the earth, as my euphoria morphs into a flaming zeppelin- as I have to watch- Jebus, fuck THIS- a fucking three-way match. Three way matches are fucking horrible. THINGS THAT I WOULD RATHER WATCH THAN A THREE-WAY MATCH: 1. One of those matches where someone hypnotises her opponent and makes her dance and act like a chicken.(4) 2. One of those matches where they all do the match is slow motion because HILARITY is so much better than any inkling of KAYFABE!(4) 3. An indie ladies match where one of the ladies checks her watch in the middle of a headlock.(4) 4. A Disney Channel Memorial Day Dog With A Blog 18 hour marathon.(5) 5. 100 of those videos on YouTube where guys play Minecraft and talk about it while both my sons watch intently like it was the fucking moon-landing.(4) Oh well, let's get on with this. Okay, QUIET STORM! I think I will just let YOU, my beloved gentle reader, think of a hilarious "smooth jazz" joke like we used to make about his name back in the olden days. I dig Zack Sabre Jr from the two or three matches I have seen. Quiet Storm is all beefy now! He looks like Glenn Danzig between the time when the "Mother" video came out and the time where he became an aging lesbian. Hey, let me research Harada- as I have skipped over about 600 of his matches in the last two years.(6) This three-way makes me think that I would like a Sabre/ Harada match. It also makes me think that there is nothing fucking more useless than a three-way match. I mean, the work is perfectly fine- what with Quiet Storm being the 5'7" Scott Norton of the Junior set. Zack Sabre bumps like a true hoss for Storm off the toprope to the floor. I wander off to the read the Quiet Storm page on cagematch.de while this match roils into the usual three-way spots that YOU obviously love and I hate. Hey, I didn't know that he was Canadian. At some point in his career he was the Summer Santa. I will note that Zack Sabre is trying like a motherfucker to try to make me not hate this match- so kudos to you, young man. But it's like my hatred of Alt country, you can make your points but at the end of the day, I ain't listening to it. But yeah, Zack Sabre is building up goodwill that will carry over to a match that I watch that he is that isn't designed to be retarded. Scott Norton is your winner! http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1w6zy9_daisuke-harada-vs-quiet-storm-vs-zack-sabre-jr-noah_sport TO BE CONTINUED !@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@ NEW ENGLAND CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING- 4/10/2014- (DEAN RASMUSSEN) We will continue to review random episodes from the giant stockpile of current New England Championship Wrestling- skipping over the ones that BORE me. This one doesn't BORE me. So la-de-dah, let's take a gander, shall we? This episode starts off well with Miss Sammi Lane calling the Canadian newcomer, Jasmin, a "CHIPPIE"! Oh hell yes! A chippie! I love this gal. She is accusing the canuck gal of being slatternly! They stomp on the foot of the shleppy announcer guy. They call him a useless lump and he tries to hide is audible boner. Sammi Lane then follows up the "chippie" slur by calling her True North counterpart a "bimbo"! Can "trollop" and "Jezebel" be far off? I sooo love the NECW ladies. MISS SAMMI LANE vs JASMIN: Nikki Valentine is at ringside so this is before she was banished from the Sisterhood. They have a pre-match interview with Jasmin and she doesn't call Miss Sammy a "tarted-up hussy", so way to drop the ball Miss Maple Syrup. And on to the action. Well, for someone questioning the modesty of her opponent, Miss Sammi is dressed just as much like a harridan!- what with the cleavage and lace leggings and tiny leather paunts. Jasmin does a one armed cartwheel and I contemplate trying one those myself- and I wonder how quickly my arm would snap into an impossible direction. Miss Lane says, to herself, "Oh fuck the gymnastics!" and knees the adorable wee Canadian in the breadbasket. Vikki Valentine CHEATS! Hot chicks who are mean girls- Jesus Christ, Sheldon Goldberg, how many Russ Meyer films have you watched? I'm not saying you should stop or anything, I'm just wondering. Sammi hits the is Lateral or Vertical Suplex- the one where are in a Brainbuster position. Anyway, that with a bridge for two and you can say that Sammi Lane is beating some heat onto the cute little moose-hugger. Sammi is using basic offense but it looks pretty good. The teeny Jasmin faceplants to TRANSITION~! after escaping the screamy chinlock of Sammi Lane. Jasmin hits some spunky lowgrade highflying things like some hysterically loose lariats and a knee to the face to the corner. Sammi responds with two bitchy looking- if not overly Kohei Sato-ish- forearms to the face. Nikki Valentine PLANTS THE SEEDS OF HER EXILE by fucking up the Holding Of The Face Wrestler So The Heel Wrestler Can Elbow Her In The Face thing. Jasmin goes all Memphis with the roll-up for the 3 count, causing the hatred betwixt Miss Sammi Lane and Nikki Valentine to begin to boil. After the pin, Jasmin makes the face that heavy metal guitar players make mid-solo when they can't believe how awesome they are playing. I really dig Miss Sammi Lane and not just because she reminds me of bad girls I used want to date in high school- but I didn't smoke so I wasn't slimy enough to father their children before graduation. Jasmin is adorable but really needs to work on laying it in. Postmatch: Announcer boy gets on Sammi's nerves and Sammi proceeds to browbeat Nikki Valentine a little. And then they kind of wander off. JOHNNY THUNDER vs MASSHOLE MIKE McCARTHY: Prematch, Mike McCarthy spells a bunch of words and I'm too tired to try figure out what he's spelling. So I deem this PROMO~! as .... BAD! Johnny Thunder goes for the low-key Jake Roberts PROMO~! and THAT you never see anymore. Bravo, young Mister Thunder. Thunder controls early with not quite yet hilariously unstiff indie punches and lariats- but they are edging close to it. Thunder in the mount throws the bare minimum level of worked punches before they become giggle-worthy. And then they get worse after they both stand-up. McCarthy goes on offense and his stuff looks waay indie house show loose. Nothing looks good in this but it isn't embarrassingly bad- I just don't buy any of it. Remember the words of Johnny Valentine- I don't have to make them think wrestling is real, I have to make them think I am real. Or something awesome like that. This is every match you ever saw in the middle of every card you ever saw at a county fair- except there is no deep fried Oreos. The finish is scewy and elaborate for no reason. Actually, it's the same finish from the laaadies match- except the ladies' match was 40 times stiffer. And that match wasn't that stiff. Wait for episodes with The End in the main event- though the ladies match was perfectly fine. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@SINGLES ##############################GOING $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$STEADY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAA- CRAZY BOY/ JOE LIDER vs JUVENTUD GUERRERA/ STEVE PAIN- 2/15/2014: God, it was forever ago that Juventud was pumping out good matches 10 times a week in WCW and in Mexico. It's good to check in on him every now and then and lament what could have been if wasn't fucking crazy. Crazy Boy and Joe Lider slosh into the middle of all Lucha Libre. Lider will take a preposterous bump every now and then- so he will always have that. I think Crazy Boy is Super Crazzy's brother (actually....)- and I believe he is quite the Eddie Payton to Super Crazzy's Walter Payton. And Steve Pain is Canadian, I believe.(7) Very little of what I just wrote stands up to the actual research, but I will leave it there to show the perception of sloggy random wrestlers versus the hard truth. This is a fun little brawl to start. Man, Juventud is expanding into middle age fatness - and he has the Brett Michaels dead eyes thing going too, so lets all get together and die a little inside. After a few crappy chairshots, it settles into a sorta tagmatch- in that they are all in the ring as opposed on the floor. Juvie stands on the back of Lider's neck and it gets a bit listless. They crush Lider and Crazy's testicles with chairs and yeaaaah, you really got to strain to remember when Juventud and Rey Misterio Jr were on the same path to superstardom. I'm trying to remember just where it all went to hell for Juventud. Naked and on drugs in the lobby of the Australian hotel maybe? Here, he gets outworked by fricking Joe Lider. Steve Pain does hit a fucking spectacular springboard from the second rope INSIDE the ring somersaulting over the toprope Tope Con Hilo. Nino Hamburguesa(8) makes a cameo with an AWWESOME fatboy Shiryu Tope. He also uses his fat to crush people in corner. Juventud hits a nice snap suplex on Crazy Boy and then takes a nice powerslam by Lider. This match is really sloppy in structure and really precise in execution- which means that this match has no excuse- though the style the Tijuana guys wrestle IS this sloppy meandering style- with way too much reliance on 1990's ECW-ish garbage spots replacing any sort of build to anything memorable. They finish is big as Juventud takes a Rolling Hills from the toprope through a table by Lider and Strong is Death Valley Bombed through a burning table by Crazy Boy. Hey, don't get wrong- I'm a total vampire fan when it comes to ridiculous spots but this is back-yarder shit; stunt work; psychology-free rehashing of a Pitbulls match. The table was a nice touch though. Pray for Juventud... $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ BEAUTY SLAMMERS- SERENA DEEB vs BEAUTIFUL BEAA- 4/30/2014: Trying to keep current on the ever awesome Serena Deeb and it appears she did a Canadian tour through New Brunswick and Nova Scotia. This match was in a sports bar in Dartmouth, Nova Scotia. The whole tour is on youtube but this match had the most people attending so it didn't make me depressed to watch. It also reminded me of that awesome West Carolina University college redneck bar where all the OMEGA guys would wrestle. Serena meanders to the ring- appears to try to hook-up with one of the guys sitting at the table and then trolls the drunken rubes by keeping her jacket on and THUS not allowing 700 pound drunk Nova Scotians to gaze at her chest pets and thus deny them fuel for jacking it as they pull off the side of the road on the way home. I think this would be called "psychology". The STORY is that Serena Deeb is from Oakton, Virginia- which is between the sacred soil of Richmond, VA and the pit that is Washington, DC. The Beautiful Beaa is from Port Colborne, Ontario. Deeb grew up with people who became supercommuter douchebags populating the seven rings of hell that is the Exburbs of Northern Virginia. These jerks do yoga and BowFlex and whatever else exercises people with too much cable TV can be conned into doing. Beaa understands the Nova Scotians. If the giant drunken Nova Scotian doesn't blow off some steam (so to speak), his heart could explode like a poutine-coated red dwarf gone super-nova. These men have families, god dammit! Beautiful Beaa is a Canadian hero for deciding that THESE Canadians paid their hard-earned money! They will see Serena Deeb's magnificent rack! They will coat their snow mobile with viscuous, jalapena-popper-scented mangravy TONIGHT! So help her, Margaret Trudeau! Or something. Let's watch the match. It's not very long. God, Serena is such the total bitch to our hero the Beautiful Beaa. Arm-dragging her with great velocity, messing up her hair, and laying across the top turn buckle LIKE A JERK! The fat Nova Scotians chant for our hero. Man, Serena Deeb will fucking bump all over the ring like a QUEEN. Beaa taunts the evil Serena and the crowd and Serena seem to be having a good time. The Nova Scotians chant for the Removing Of The Coat and an enraged Serena beats the shit out the Beautiful Beaa and sends her to the floor. Serena taunts Beaa and makes with the comedy spot with the ref- allowing Beaa to rip off Serena's coat- as a hundredish Canadian pairs of pants just lost a bit of their moisture integrity. Serena then goes back to pummelling Beaa. The Canadians actually start a "We Are Creepy!" chant and this is way into the God, I Wish I Could Have Been There area of Pro Wrestling Viewing. Those folks seem like folks who would drink five 40s of Mongoose with you. Serena opts to pull the Americans Are Better Than You Stupid Canadians card and this is truly the finest example of how to deliver the most match in a sports bar in Canada. They trade forearms and I dig the fire of our Canadian hero, the Beautiful Beaa. She lays it in harder than Deeb's opponents in most of the Japanese matches I've seen Serena Deeb in. Beaa hits a nice Stone Cold Stunner for two. Serena goes all Lawler and tries to leave, but Beaa beats on her all the way back to ring. This match is a hoot. Serena throws her jacket over Beaa's head, hits the Malenko Rib-Breaker and steals the match. Serena Deeb is so fucking great. ------------------------------- ENDNOTES 1. I go to the cagematch.de for THE REEEEEESUUUHCH~!~! Mitsuhiro Kitamiya is 25 years old, 5'8", 209 pounds. Ooo! Thick! He has been wrestling 2 years and was trained by Kensuke Sasaki and Masa Saito. Hitoshi Kumano is 22 years old, 5'7", 165 pounds. He is a rookie. I await dropkicks. 2. Oh man, reading his Wrestling New Classic section in wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hajime_Ohara) it seems that the booker of WNC booked Ohara as if Ohara was fucking the booker's girlfriend on the grave of the booker's mother every night. After he jumped to NOAH, it appears that the NOAH booker is booking Ohara as if Ohara was fucking the NOAH booker's mom on the grave of the NOAH booker's grampa every night. Luckily, he gets to wrestling motherfucking Diasuke Ikeda. Possibly, someone should tell him about the simple rewards of driving a forklift. Two breaks a day, the boss doesn't fuck with you, you lift a bunch of stuff off trucks but actually have to touch anything. It's a sweet gig. Or maybe assembling scaffolding for a living. 3. Being a hog, I ate 85% of the raw vegetables that I brung. 4. This actually happened. 5. I don't think this has happened but I wouldn't put anything past those motherfuckers at Disney. 6. Per cagematch.de, Diasuke Harada is 27 years old, 5'6", 198 pounds. Hmm weird: wee AND thick. He has been wrestling 7 years and I hope he isn't as bland in the ring as he is in this personal data list. Who would date this man when the distinguished picture of Masashi Aoyagi is right there on the same NOAH 2014 page? No one. That's right. 7. Cagematch.de proves what a FOOL I am! Crazy Boy is Super Crazzy's cousin. He is 36 and Super Crazzy is 40. Steve Pain is not the guy I was thinking of. I was thinking of the guy who was with Taya Valkyrie- which, actually, looks like it was Steve Pain according to cagematch.de. Maybe the Canadian paleness of Valkyrie made Pain not look as Los Angelean and more Albertan. Either way, Steve Pain is from Los Angeles and was partly trained by motherfuckin RIKISHI! Taya Valkyrie, who has nothing to do with this match- is 30 years old, 5'8", 145 pounds and has a background in ballet and bodybuilding. She hails from Victoria, British Columbia. She was trained by the beloved Lance Storm. Just to be overly thorough, Juventud is now frickin THIRTY-NINE now. He has been wrestling 22 years. 8. Nino Hamburguesa is EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD? TOMORROW: See yins after Memorial DAY!

DRIVERETTE 5282014 We are in the homestretch for DVDVR 172 and it is beginning to look George R. R. Martin length. I will cram in what I can this week. BEHOLD, THE PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING! @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@SINGLES ##############################GOING $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$STEADY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BIG JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- SHINOBU/ MADOKA vs KOHEI SATO vs SHUJI ISHIKAWA- 4/28/2014: I watched this yesterday on the big screen in my living room- via my punk ass sons' X-Box. My youngest daughter(1) was sitting around watching anime on her i-pod or whatever it is these kids look at the internet all day on. I told her that this was my favorite tagteam on earth right- and acting slightly less like a jerk teenager, she watched it with me. She was amazed that two tiny guys were wrestling two guys so much bigger than they were- and in the process of explaining the dynamics of tag team wrestling, I basically wrote the review for this while speaking. The match is your basic underdog babyface match- with Shinobu being the weirdly abbed Ricky Morton. I was telling my youngun that when you are trying to get the crowd behind your wee babyface, you really need to beat the hell out of him- so that the crowd can connect with the babyface as he struggles to survive, then escape and then mount a comeback. This match has two heat sections and I didn't have to tell her than Kohei Sato will beat the fuck out a babyface. She also noticed that Shuji Ishikawa will beat the crap out of a fella. She and I discussed smaller, shorter people they should beat the crap out of- tinier junior heavyweights, jockeys, Nascar drivers- to further heighten the story-telling- or just further our amusement at Sato and Ishikawa pummeling folks to death. It was magic father-daughter moment. Let's rewatch it. Shinobu does have strange abs. Not that I care. Hell, I also have strange abs- they hide deeply inside my stomach region, waiting.....waiting........ Shuji Ishikawa(2) strolls to ring with the towering Kohei Sato close behind. Madoka and Shinobu attack before the bell! Because why wouldn't they? They are about as big as Shuji Ishikawa's legs. They have to make some DECISIONS in this match. The first decision was totally on point- get the advantage early! They throw the larger guys out of the ring and hit fabulous Duel Asahi Moonsaults! Yeaaa! Here they need to make another decision: They need to heed Bill Murrays advice in MEATBALLS, when Camp North is playing Camp Mohawk in basketball. "There's nooo waaaaaay we're going to beat this team. But here is a way we can lose with a littel dignity." Come on, little guys, pull their pants down and run to the back! En lieu, they make the very bad decision of having a regular tag match. They start off with a wad of tag team moves on Ishikawa- and Ishikawa sells it like a guy who is fixin to body slam Shinobu harder than he has ever been powerslammed. Koehi Sato tags in then bodyslams Shinou harder than he has ever been bodyslammed. Shinobu sells it like he has just been body slammed the hardest he has ever been bodyslammed and then was body slammed even harder. Shinobu is a motherfucking champ. This is like the third time he has been in one of these type of tag matches- another one against these two and I remember him being the Lee Scott of a Yuki Okabayashi tag match not too long ago where he is the selling glue that held all the matches together. Same way here. Kohei Sato just tees off on him- but you can tell he's wrestling a different style because he doesn't actually fucking kill him like Sato did against Sugiura. Sato and Ishikawa each feel their inner Arn and Tully- knowing that having a nasty offense is just the supporting part of the formula to good tag team wrestling. The key ingredient is the crowd giving a crap about the guy you are beating the hell out of. And the crowd slowly but surely gets behind Shinobu and Madoka. Shinobu crawls off his back and decides trade chops to the chest with Sato- as his decision making really goes down hill after the first decision to start before the bell. Shinobu loses and then REALLY loses to Ishikawa who tops off winning The Battle Of Chops To The Chest with a Front Face Lock EVEREST Suplex. Then Ishikawa does giant Vertical Suplex and runs and stomps on his chest. Sato tags in and toys around with assorted submissions- as Shinobu sells the half- crab like a KING. Shinobu gets in a comical dropkick and then fights out of a piledriver attempt by Sato and makes the hot tag to Madoka! Madoka hits his house afire dropkicks but Sato and Ishikawa just stand there and giggle. Madoka finally hits enough dropkicks to get Ishikawa to the floor and does a running double knees thing on Sato. Sato gets up and then he and Ishikawa try to figure out how many different ways they can punt Madoka's chest fifty yards (there are several ways, it turns out). Ishikawa opts to see if he can actually rip Madoka in half with a lariat. (Answer: VERY almost.) He then jumps off the second rope and stomps on Madoka's throat and chest- and sprawls out and makes faces of a man who just been stomped on by all the fat of Shuji Sihikawa. Madoka counters out of Die Hard Kansai and gets in some offense to make the second hot tag! Shinobu is going to... Jesus, get beaten to death by Ishikawa's forearms. And knees to the stomach AND a mind-altering hideously hurty-looking T-Bone Suplex. Luckily, Ishikawa tags in Kohei... oh wait, UNluckily, Ishikawa tags in Kohei Sato. Sato opts for Crushing Through Kicking. After the crushing, Sato goes broad with the heel tactics and congratulates himself immediately after releasing the Everest German Suplex- not realizing that Shinobu over-rotated and landed on his feet! Shinobu hits the missile dropkick after Madoka hits a jumping leg lariat that we are supposed to think affected a guy we have seen knock a 1 inch gash into his own head to crush an opponents head with a headbutt. But the tag match is more about fun than the WILL and HARROWING STIFFNESS. So I roll with it. They hit Sato with ten lariats- with Shinobu hitting the tenth lariat to knock him over and get the nearfall to the delight of the crowd. Shinobu goes up top but Ishikawa cuts him off and superplexes him to the mat. And then they kill and kill and kill Shinobu- knees to the stomach, kicks to the face, hell, a Falcon Arrow! and then Sato crushes his skull with the Sato Memphis Piledriver. And it is alll over. God, what an assbeating. But the tiny guys got in a lot. Maybe too much but either way- Quality tagteam wrestling! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NowZQN3GfCA ################### ALL JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- PAT O'CONNOR vs DICK MURDOCH- 12/15/1975: I volunteered for this match out of the request bin- not just because it was Dick Murdoch match- but also because I was thinking it was Billy Robinson not Pat O'Connor. The idea of Dick Murdoch and Billy Robinson being in public somewhere drunk has got to be made into a movie. So this is going to be a little punishing. Pat O'Connor means a lot of scientific wrestling. I am fine with 1970s scientific wrestling- in that I've seen giant wads of it in my lifetime, and it was always a neat change of pace from the usual mayhem of 70s wrestling back in the 70s. It's not really what you watch 70s wrestling for. I watch 70s wrestling for the several thousand buckets of blood and awesome facial hair- but I could be wrong about this match. Maybe things will break down and Dick Murdoch will Brainbuster O'Connor on the concrete. Both men are sporting 70s track suits that I must own. Oh man, we got three minutes of O'Connor trying to escape a head scissors and Murdoch re-applying the hold after O'Connor escapes. It does highlight the totally balling cowboy boots that Dick Murdock is sporting. O'Connor flopping around for five minutes doesn't distract from close-ups of Murdocks manly sideburns. Okay, that is about every variation of a head-scissors that one can do as we hit the 6 minute mark of the head scissors section. I am not complaining; it was the old days- your wrestling was more leisurely. All that really mattered was if the finish was exciting. This is the slow build- as O'Connor gets more and more frustrated at headstanding out of head scissors and then captured immediately by Murdock. The final variation is Murdock making with the Snapmare to re-apply the head scissors. O'Connor finally escapes and they do really anachronistically awesome rolls while in a O'Connor keylock. There is symmetry in the first fifteen minutes as Murdoch establishes his mat dominance with a head scissors that O'Connor uses five different ways to escape which is offset by Murdock trying five different ways to escape the Keylock. They bookend the section with Murdock escaping the Keylock with the same shin to the face that O'Connor used to escape the head scissors. Then Murdock armdrags O'Connor, applies the headscissors leading to O'Connor reversing it into a Keylock. And that's the first half of the match. Murdock then works a standing ankle lock that O'Connor tries to counter with a nasty looking wristlock that I'm assuming he would use at restaurants to break an assailant's wrist tendons if he ever got attacked by a mark. They taunt each other with the head scissors and key lock until Murdock sinks in the Hammerlock and starts dropping knees on it. Then he starts driving his knee into O'Connor's elbow joint and this is a wad of scientific wrestling but not a BORING wad of scinetific wrestling. O'Connor is awesome with the rear takedown into a toehold. Murdoch opts to start punching O'Connor in the face and this match is pretty great- as Murdoch basically concedes that he can't really hold for hold with O'Connor forever. But he's prety sure he can beat the hell out of O'Connor. And that's the story that creates some of my favorite wrestling matches - Hell, that's pretty much every Ric Flair match. O'Connor escapes a head scissors and punches Murdoch in the face. His punches are fucking great. Murdoch makes Murdochianly amusing faces after being punched in the face. They run the ropes and Murdoch hits the ground before O'Connor can punch him in the face- which leads up to Murdoch kneeing him the stomach and dropping a fucking beautiful Elbow across the back of the neck. 24 minutes in and they work out of a headlock with Murdoch cheating by holding the tights- after which Murdoch just really starts playing it for laughs after running the ropes and getting punched dead in the face by O'Connor. They trade headbutts and Atomic Drops and then goof around until they start fighting for the Brainbuster and then hitting assorted roll-ups. Then they punch each other in the face for a minute and go back to some rollups until the bell? Oh man! Broadway! Eh, this was perfectly fine unheated wrestling from the 70s. It was very much a exhibition match. I guess you can say that there are plenty of Dick Murdock matches that have molten heat and a bucket of blood. It was interesting seeing consumate heel Murdoch wrestling a match without a heel/face structure. But yeah, it did not make me forget Mid-South Murdoch. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SuJQHBiO_P8 ------------------------------------- END NOTES: 1. Annabelle is 14, 5' 4", surly. 2. According to the cagematch.de, Shuji Ishikawa is 38, 6'5", 264 pounds. He was a DDT grad at 28. Nobody wants to tell me what he did from 18 to 28. My guess: Kobe beef puncher. TOMORROW: TERRY FUNK! RICK MARTEL! WHAT ELSE COULD YOU WANT?

DRIVERETTE 5212014 BEHOLD, THE PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING! !@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@ SNAKEPIT ADELAIDE PRO WRESTLING- 5/19/2014- (DEAN RASMUSSEN) Snakepit Pro from Australia has been around a few years and they have a pretty high high end and relatively passable low-end and lotsa stuff in the middle- so they are better than most of the world's indies. They have quality fat guys so I hardly ever delete one of these. But never actually watch them either, so THAT changes NOW. Good on ya, mate. And whatever else shit Australians say in movies. RYAN WINTERS/ DALLAS SOMMERS vs TYLER DANIELS/ DAMIEN SYNN: Winters and Sommers are the Party Rockers and they are the tag champs. Damien Synn spells "sin" like "synn" so here's hoping he's a really big fat guy. We begin the Aussie Wrestling Viewing! Winters has Daniels in a headlock and they work that for a while and I am overcome with nostalgia for a time when every match started with this. Winters throws some punches to the face- OMIGOD! MY MIND GOES BLANK! POOF!! A puff of SMOKE! My vision is hazy but it seems like The Monster Abyss comes out of the floor and then falls on the ground laughing at how crappy those punches are. Or you would want that to happen- because Abyss has shitty punches but his punches looks like fuckin Bobby Eaton's in comparison to what we just viewed. Oh Gentle Reader, HOLD ME! How did that punch make it onto the internet where tenders hearts like mine can see?!?!? Oh well. ONWARD~! Tyler Daniels' punches are several million times better than Ryan Winters'- so yes, they are above average. Damien Synn is soooooo on the Current Fat Boy 50- as his entire offense is based around sweet sweet Clubbing Forearms. Winters sunset flips to TRANSITION~! to offence and then punches Synn in the face with his dick- thus nullifying all shittiness of his fist punching- as I think you either get one or the other- good worked punches with your fist or good Three quarters Legit punches with your dick. I mean, SERIOUSLY, did Dick Murdoch ever fly groin-first into an opponents face? WELL, IF YOU DON'T KNOW, YOU DON'T GET TO JUDGE! Winters tags in Dallas Sommers and he Fisherman Busters the quality fatness of Synn. Synn is pretty good as he makes Sommers perfectly nearly okay punches look really good. Well, kinda. Synn and Daniels cheat like Australian BASTARDS! They beat on Sommers with snapmares and Daniels does the old school thing off arguing with the ref while choking Sommers with his shin. After hitting two non-fatboy Clubbing Forearms, Daniels hits a suitably glorious fistdrop and this match is too weird and then too old school to hate. Synn hits an awkward kneedrop and this isn't the most consistent wrestling you will see. But its hard to screw up a basic Southern tag match- and Syn and Daniels are really good at knowing how to work those aspects of the match- even if the execution is a little hit and miss. So they are really good at distracting the ref and cutting off the hot tag, but not so good making a knee to the stomach look overly good. Syn is good at standing on Sommers head and does the GREAT dickish move of standing on Sommers fingers while the ref argues with Daniels. Yeah, fuck it, this has the best unseen tag that I've seen this year so this match does nothing but win. Sommers bites Synn while Synn is standing on his fingers but doesn't actually get the hot tag after said unseen tag. Sommers hits a fucking beautiful non-rotating Spinebuster- as you have to rotate it like Arn to get full points. Ryan Winters house a-fire is the weirdest, most awkward thing you will see. Just watch it. DON'T FUCKING ARGUE WITH ME! WATCH IT! I could not do it justice. Your rewards will be GREAT. Daniels and Synn get the belts by just cheating and cheating and cheating while the ref is on the floor yelling at Syn and Sommers. I guess I would say more entertaining than good- but that's fucking nonsense- Entertaining IS good. Thus, this match is GOOD. Watch it and tell me you were not entertained! You try to say, "No, fat man, I was not entertained." And I would say unto thee- THOU ART A LIAR! ADAM CROWE vs BOBBY V: These two are rookies if I understand the Australian-speaking announcers correctly. They both have good punches for a new guys. Oh, actually Adam Crowe is the rookie and Bobby V has been training him, so this is a Mentor/Disciple match. These can be fun. V lays it in like he's supposed to- getting a nearfall on the Vertical Suplex. Crowe jumps in the air and slaps V on the way down and plays to the crowd and kicks V like he is a little bitch. This not being Japan, V keeps selling his offense instead of becoming enraged and causing internal bleeding after kicking all the bones out of Crowe's ribcage. He does do a really fucking beautiful straight kick dead to the face to set up up a nice Flying Through The Ropes Lariat In The Corner. Crowe hits a super kick as we go along and takes his time making the cover and thus not getting the pinfall- so its more about Crowe being young and making rookie mistakes than its about dissing your mentor- as V wins with the Frogsplash. So not nearly as good as THAT would have been if it went less pedestrian more dramatic and Japanese, but perfectly fine for the work in the ring and what with one of them if a new guy. Eh. I've seen infinitely worse by guys who have been wrestling a lot longer. But that doesn't mean you will miss much of anything if you skip over this. CANNONBALL CHRIS TAYLOR vs JAKE VIPER: Why "Viper" didn't go with "Vyper" or even better "Vyypyyrr" all goes to show that correct spelling is coming back to the pro wrestling. Taylor is tall and thick and looks like a wrestler- which is pretty important. Viper is fun arguing with the ref to get the rubes riled up. Taylor shows about 6 days of daylight on a punch and Viper sells it. Bill Watts and readers of the Death Valley Driver Video Review would not be pleased. It is not pleasing. Everything else he does in the match is fine but I've already checked out of this match. Atually, you should watch to see what a cautionary tale Jake Viper's punches are. Boy, I wasted my Abyss jokes early. Avoid this match (though I will keep an eye out for Taylor). Definately watch the first tag match- if just for the fucking weirdness. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@SINGLES ##############################GOING $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$STEADY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CMLL ON CADENATRES- HOMBRE BALA JR/ SUPER HALCON JR/ TRITON vs CANCERBERO/ PUMA/ RAZIEL- 2/18/2014: Thank you, young TheCubsFan, for supplying the Lucha Libre like a motherfucking KING. It's hard to keep my favorite Rudo Conglomerates straight from month to month. I assume Puma- whom I believe is underrated- is now with the Cancerbero crew? Or is it a one shot thing. Either way, Cancerbero and Raziel are fucking awesome rudos. The technico crew is pretty generic- but really, who gives a shit about 99% of technicos in today's lucha libre. Rudo is where the action is. And hopefully business is good. Early on, the ring girls taunt YOU with their jiggly butts and I weep the manly tears of the aging. Raziel and a technico- probably not Triton(1) because I think I remember his mask- do really long lowgrade mat exchange. You will still remember Solar after watching it. HA! Research sez that I am an idiot- that was Triton. And you will still not give a shit about his mat sequence with Raziel. Puma is fun getting all flustered and getting the business from the rubes when he can't keep up with Super Halcon Jr. Cancerbero meanders around with Hombre Bala and it's perfectly fine. Triton and Puma speed things up to the point where Raziel and Cancerbero do the fabulous Mexican Ceiling Hold Where Cancerbero Breaks Your Neck With A Reverse Stone Cold Stunner. After killing all the life out in Triton, Halcon and Hombre dropkick the Cancerbero and the Raziel to the floor- but Puma breaks up the impending topes and pays the price by getting beaten with knees to the chest, a FALCON ARROW!(2), and a very beautiful-in-its-simplicity straight-up Moonsault. For the pin. The CMLL Ring Gal who holds Segunda Caida card flaunts her buttcheeks at the camera and teens across Mexico explode viscuous loads over their Morrissey cds. Super Halcon and Raziel opt to chop each other across the chest. Raziel does the awesome thing of saying, "Fuck this and fuck you" and tags in Cancerbero who comes and just starts stomping the dogcrap out of young Super Halcon Jr. God, the Rudo Assbeat that Cancerbero brings is truly mighty. And then Cancerbero bumps all over the place to make Halcon's comeback offence look godly. They take it the floor and Cancerbero misses a lariat and receives a SuperKick. Cancerbero, being evil, points to his weiner and screams "FOULE!" SO EVIL! Raziel tries his luck with Hombre Bala Jr and doesn't fair much better. Raziel is awesome leaning into Hombre's offence and I dig the role he creates here as the weak ninny to Cancerbero's ass-stomper. They do a super eleborate and totally fun-filled 28 step spot to get the technicos off offense and into their assigned Lucha Libre Submission- as the rudos make with Raziel and Cancerbero doing Duelling Sharpshooter Variations. The third caida starts with Puma enraging the fans by beating on the assorted technicos and yanking on Super Halcon's mask. Cancerbero picks up where Puma leaves off and starts beating some heat onto these technicos. Raziel hits a Superplex to allow Puma to totally enrage the ringside marks by hitting a batch of near foules and just about every other jerk-ass move a rudo can hit. Puma has to join the Cancerbero gang if he hasn't already- he is too fun. Cancerbero begins just pummelling Super Halcon Jr but they do this like IMPOSSIBLE 68 step spot to somehow get Puma in position to hit a toprope Backstabber to get the pin. This match is fucking crazy. If you like rudos who beat the hell out of folks, this is for you. If you enjoy really elaborate- like PREPOSTEROUSLY elaborate lucha libre sequences, this is waaaaay for you. I enjoy both so I am very much recommending this to you, gentle reader. +++++++++++++++++++++ BIG JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- SHIORI ASAHI/ RYUICHI SEKINE vs SHINYA ISHIKAWA/ TAKAYUKI UEKI- 2/26/2014: Okay, let me regather my bearings because I know I watched Sekine and Ueki last week or so. It. Is. Time. For. RESEARCH~! Ah, they took on Daichi Hashimoto and Kazuki Hashimoto- in the second match reviewed since I started The New Writing Discipline.(3) Ah cool, I dug those guys. They have your favorite quality in wrestlers- the FIGHTING SPIRIT! Here they are split up and one is tagging with the impressive lanky and underrated Shinya Ishikawa. Shiori Asahi I don't believe I've ever seen.(4) Shinya ishikawa and Asahi start off with your basic headlocks and head scissors and whatnot. Shinya's hair falls down into his face so the laaaadies hearts can melt- as he flaunts his bad boy good looks. Can you possibly tame his hunky heart? He's had his heart broken by the worldly women of the world, can he settle down with girl next door like you? They used short dresses and ruby red lipstick, can you win him with your peach cobbler and nights on the couch watching Two Broke Girls? The ladies look at his shaggy mop and dreams are made. What the fuck was I watching again? Oh right! Sorry. Ueki and Sekine go straight for the Strong Style and these two are getting real close to becoming guys I love to watch wrestle. Sekine crushes Ueki's spine with kicks and tags in Asahi who jumps on Ueki from the outside a lot and then does some kicking of his own while doing this elaborate nearfalls sequence- which is fine since he is too scrawny to actually beat anybody's ass, it appears. Though Asahi does have a sleazy meanness to him that I dig on first inspection. He brings the Two Quarters Legit forearms but Ueki escapes and tags in Shinya Ishikawa who starts throwing everybody around the ring. He and Asahi trade forearms and Asahi loses. A lot. A hurty-looknig a lot. Asahi has many goofy spots. I dig the one where he and Ishikawa keep countering each others attempt to secure the Octapus Hold. Ihsikawa wins by opting out of the Cycle Of Octapus Hold and goes for the Northern Lights Suplex With A Bridge. Asahi survives and tags Sekine and Sekine gets in some stuff before Ishikawa cuts him off with a very Windham-like Dropkick. Ueki and Sekine stomp on each other for a while and Sekine gets one step closer to my love with a fabulous Running Rolling Hills. Asahi tags in and uses even more goofy spots. Asahi is actually pretty annoying. I think I am glad I missed 12 years of him and I start the Hatewagon....NOW. Asahi wins with an Octapus Hold. I don't know. I don't actually hate the fact I saw this. It was perfectly fine. I will continue with teh Shinya Ishikawa campaigning- though he is in TWO half matches positioned to be reviewed tomorrow- and that might break me. We'll see. I guess I'll just through in any other Sekine/ Ueki matches and we'll just call it the least popular Driverette of the New Era. We're here for the long haul. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_stg10Tv2qo ------------------------------- ENDNOTES 1. Fuck it. I will go cagematch.de and find out who these technico shmoes are. Oh man, Hombre Bala Jr was partially trained by Arkangel de la Muerte. He also related to every pirate in Lucha Libre. Jiminy, Super Halcon Jr was trained by Gran Apache and fuckin MOGUR~! 2. #17 of the New Era. Probably. 3. Review is here with end notes of comical information: http://deathvalleydriver.com/forum/index.php?/topic/1969-death-valley-driverette-4292014/#entry173398 4. Jesus, cagematch.de sez that Asahi is THIRTY-SIX! He is also 5'9" and 172 pounds. He has been wrestling 12 years. For better or for worse, that tells how little of K-Dojo I watched since the turn of the century. TOMORROW: HA! Ishikawa and Sekine/Ueki Clearing House! Maybe some NECW if I survive.