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  1. I feel like this deserves a thread of its own so these things don't get lost in the "legit" movie of the month threads. I originally was going to title this "B Movie TV Report" after my favorite Roku channel, but I think it's bigger than that and that's too limiting. Everyone post here whatever amazing B-D grade movies they've just discovered or revisited by whatever means, app, sleazy DVD company release, VHS found at a salvation army store happens to have GALAXINA on it after an episode of A.K.A. PABLO. It all counts: Zombies Zombis Blaxploitation 80s vigilante movies slashers cheap american karate movies where roller-slating, BMX biking, arm-wrestling, disco dancing, break-dancing, or water skiing are done competitively or as a biblical allegory Star Wars ripoff movies where everyone is obviously Italian anything with the word "reform school" in the title anything with the words "spring break" in the title anything that mixes "ski" "swim" "stewardess" "beach" or "up the" with the word "academy" The complete Bolo Yeung catalog and so so much more. Tonight's Report, courtesy of B-Movie TV (on Roku): TUFF TURF (1985): Quintessential 80s "small town kid moves to tough hip LA high school and battles with punks for a hot girl in a half ass-ed West Side Story ripoff." It was directed by the guy who directed CHILDREN OF THE CORN. I don't know why that matters but somehow it does. If nothing else he seems to have s strong unconscious belief that youth is a plague of cultish death and that the power and strength of the young is a grotesque masque of violence and a danger to us all. Basically remake the KARATE KID without karate but with more of a DEATH WISH 3 vibe. But this one is special. The main kid is a super young, super thin, super ripped, super coiffed James Spader. This was a year before PRETTY IN PINK, so adjust you Spader hotness expectations accordingly: The "he meets the first day who becomes his sidekcik/ally" is a super young, super thin, super coiffed Robert Downey Jr. This was months before he was even the bully in WERID SCIENCE so adjust your Downey Hotness expectations accordingly. The girl in question is a super young, super hot, super coiffed Kim ("Now she's a screeching hutt of a real housewife of Beverly Hills") Richards. This is a year after MEATBALLS PART 2, so adjust your Richards hotness expectations accordingly. Her hair is, of course, about seven feet long, and has a different pattern of braiding, headbands, and dayglo shading in every scene. Now, no one buys Kim Richards as a bad girl gang chick, but the whole point is that she is going to transform into a scared wounded butterfly and she's pretty perfect for that. Like her hair gets progressively less braided as she gets progressively more wholesome. Hair allegory! Hairllegory! Also one of the other gang chicks was Leila in REPO MAN and that's royalty. To get yourself in the right mood for this movie, listen to this: The hair, the clothes, the music are all amazing. Spader has an older brother who is an evil preppy and who is literally wearing an izod shirt with a sweater tied around his neck. It's like a wax museum reproduction of the essence of the 80s. For me the best scenes are the random interstitial scenes of crowds of teens wandering around a school or club. The sheer weight of 1985 chic is overwhelming. Like many 80s movies, this is basically a musical. The soundtrack is constant and as often as possible is supplied diegetically with a band playing or someone listening to a boombox. there are at least six scenes that have no dialog, just teenagers congregating and dancing, and yet somehow the plot is moved forward by all of these scenes. It's amazing...the power of dance. Oh, God, the closing credits unfold over another dance scene! This one celebrating the death of a 17 year old thug! It's like the end of RETURN OF THE JEDI. As such there are at least 16 people in the credits just as members of various bands and about 35 listed just as "dancer." There is literally a dance number in this as Robert Downey Jr.s band plays in a typical "empty warehouse that is somehow also a teen club" and Spader seduces Richards. As I write this, Kim Richards is doing a full flashdance number in a bar. it is amazing, and the asshole who labelled this the 'worst 80s dance sequence ever" can go fuck himself, but I'm linking to him anyways because you probably need to see this: That dance scene leads right into another dance where they make out and then another one where they are running from the gang guys. THIS MOVIE IS 90% DANCING BEACAUSE LIFE IN THE 80S WAS LIVED THROUGH SYMBOLIC MOVEMENT!!! Once that is set in motion, it's a lot of Spader/Richards/Downey trolling yuppies while avoiding her former street gang members out to get her back. At one point Spader hijacks a country club piano and sings a song to Richards...did you not see what I just wrote JAMES SPADER SITS DOWN AT A PIANO AND FOR A FULL 5 MINUTES WE LISTEN TO HIM SERENADE KIM RICHARDS!!! Just know this: In his 25th year, James Spader, pretending to be a high schooler, spent some hours learning and rehearsing this in his apartment in L.A. singing this. And then spent a whole day in a recording studio pouring his heart into this. And then spent a few weeks rehearsing how to look like he's playing the piano while lip synching to himself. THIS IS THE LIFE OF AN ARTIST!!! THIS IS WHAT THE CRAFT IS ABOUT!! Obviously this is all going to get very violent in Act III when the punks and then and we go into full-on 80s vigilante movie territory....and a scene where Spader is brutally "Private Pyle-ed" in a locker room is pretty intense and would probably have scared 12 year old me into asking my parents if I could go to a private school...but I don't know how that matters after what you just saw/heard. Just know that you need to find and watch this movie. This is also in there: So soundtrack is LEGIT, MAN!!!
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