WELCOME
TO THE DEATH VALLEY DRIVER VIDEO REVIEW #162!
--------------------------------------------
The cover was by Syracuse tattoo artiste extraordinaire xTheSpoilerx
and was going to be a thigh tattoo for a young Raven Mack but you know how life
works out...
-------------------------------------------
~!~
MORE
MATCHES FROM THE 2006 NEW JAPAN PRO WRESTLING G-1
CLIMAX
[DEAN RASMUSSEN]
Hiroshi Tanahashi vs
Jyushin "THUNDER" Lyger- NEW JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- G1
Climax-8/8/2006:
Tanahashi is perfectly acceptable unless being beaten to death by Bernard-
whereupon he becomes this existential figure of longing and love lost or some
bullshit. Justin "Thustin" Ligner is the most recent great wrestler
to have a really long down period- though he ALSO becomes the King Of The Earth
once again when wrestling your The Giant Bernard. Put these kids together and
I'm assuming that I will either fall asleep or possibly punch myself in the
stomach. But, if you wanna write for the Death Valley Driver Video Reviews, you got to watch the
matches. FIRE IT UP, P-COLA! They stand and stare at each
other and Lyger is aged and hate-filled in the open eyed mask- shirtless,
exposed, basic. Tanahashi overpowers him early but
can't quite pull off a New Japan heavyweight vs junior vibe so this is
already an odd match. Tanahashi has the belt and needs to wrestle like that. EN
LIEU, he tries to match Lyger at highflying early. Maybe this is the story.
Lyger does the same Lucha timekillers that he did in his completely lacklustre
Kojima G-1 match and I got a bad feeling. Tanahashi fights out of snapmare and
procures a headlock. Tanahashi loses the New Japan Shoulderblock Invitational and then starts
bumping all over the building for Lyger's junior heavyweight highflying. I
don't think they are trying to remake Lyger as the Japanese Benoit so Tanahashi
taking the Brainbuster to the floor for a 19 count seems like a strange move.
Tanahashi goes on offense and has the second best Junior Heavyweight offense in
the match. I dunno. Tanahashi is so crappy on offense and unstiff-working. He
doesn't work as the heavyweight champion on offense; he doesn't even work as
the heavyweight versus the Junior Heavyweight. Fuck, put the belt on Makabe
unless you are going to have an actually endless fued with Giant Bernard.
Tanahashi tries to wrestle the Bernard match against a guy 1/4th of Bernard's
size and you can REALLY not give any less of a shit about his babyface
comeback. If a junior can kick his ass this thoroughly, good
on him. Lyger gets in a bunch of offense and some especially nasty
brainbusters. He should loan them to his champion so his champion can stop
using those completely shitty looking elbows and the crappy looking Swing
BLADE-O!!! God, Tanahashi hits his finisher three times and then finally
polishes off the Vader-esque Lyger with a Dragon Suplex. It was a perfectly
fine wrestling match, but shouldn't your Heavyweight champion be beating the shit
out of the aging junior heavyweight- as opposed to surviving the junior
heavyweight's merciless onslaught? I dunno. Let me say that I found the story
of the match to be puzzling.
Satoshi Kojima
vs. Giant Bernard- NEW JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- G1
Climax-8/8/2006: Fuck,
this goes for a while. Ooops, almost forgot!
Babyhead: check. Middle Aged Woman Glasses: check. Lipstuds:
check. It's Kojima versus Bernardoooooo! Can Giant Bernard carry
the load called Kojima? I would think. He is awesome and Kojima
doesn't suck as much as Tenzan (I don't think). Bernard is peeved that
Kojima chopped him and it is starting well. It just dawned on me that
Giant Bernard in MUGA would be fucking great. He is so 1975 in his
deliberate building of a match around stuff. Kojima is rolling with the
old school psychology idea really well as he takes time to size up the man who
overpowers him and sells the losing knucklelock like a champ. Yeah,
Kojima is better than Tenzan. Bernard starts working on the knee out of
kneebar and he and Tenzan trade holds out of the idea and Bernard uses his
power advantage to try to escape the crossarmbreaker but he has to hit the
ropes. Bernard MIRRORS Kojima by taking to the floor and tries to size
his opponent's wrestling skill advantage. Sorry, GIANT BERNARD IS THE
BEST CARRIER OF FOLKS IN WRESLTING. Bernard DESTROYS the shoulder of
Kojima and drops into a Fujiwara Armbar and it looks fucking nasty.
Kojima actually sells it pretty well. Bernard crushes his arm against the
ringpost after Kojima escapes the armbar and Bernard goes Abdullah The Butcher on him and makes with the FIVE FINGERS OF DEATH. Kojima chops to
comeback but Bernard beats him down and does the Giant Elbows across the back
into the body vice with a Keylock and I've no problem with Kojima so far.
This is definitely the best Kojima match I've seen in forever. Kojima
sells the shoulder while trying to comeback by dropping elbows across Bernard's
knee. He sells while chopping on Bernard and Bernard cuts him off with
really stiff chops and headbutts. Bernard with the Avalanche Clothesline
that Kojima leans into like a MAN and we are entering 14 minutes of Kojima not
pissing me off. Bernard misses an elbow to the corner and Kojima reels
off a batch of chops and lariats but Bernard cuts him off by hitting the
beautiful looking charge to knock Kojima off the apron- upon which Kojima bumps
like a freak. Kojima finally makes the TRANSITION~! to
offense by throwing Bernard into the rail and fights to finally facebust the
former A-Train onto the apron. Bernard is a genius because he realizes
that you have to just beat the living dogshit out of Kojima to keep him from
running out of offense and going all Kurt Angle with the endless
finishers. Kojima hits a toprope elbow and they opt to beat the shit out
of each other in the middle of the ring. Bernard wins but sells the
damage. Kojima ranas out of Powerbomb attempt but Bernard kills him with
a lariat and them double kills him with a Powerbomb. Bernard with an Avalanche
for two and we await the Kojima comeback. And he elbows to offense and then
Stunners young Bernard and they both fight to their feet at 8. They
struggle for the suplex and Kojima wins and the crowd comes alive as they sense
that Kojima is finally ready to bring it. He hits a lariat for two and
Bernard and Kojima sell the damage for a little. Bernard hits his Falling
Chokeslam Powerbomb and they both struggle to make it to another 8 count.
Kojima lariats Bernard and they both fly over the toprope to the floor and this
is the best Kojima match that I can remember (but we all know what my memory is
worth- but STILL…). They both make it back to the ring at 19 and
start beating the fudge out of each other. Kojima fights out of an Oklahoma Stampede and hits a lariat and another
lariat and gets a two count. They finally both make it to their feet and
Albertooo finally hits the Tombstone for two and they both sprawl to the mat and
DOUBLE FUCKING COUNTOUT? AWWWWWESOME. So fucking great. Giant Bernard made me like a fucking
KOJIMA match. NUMBER ONE AND THE BEST. BUTT. My main problem with the match
is that Kojima's offense is so pedestrian that I didn't really buy Giant
Bernard being put out to the point of not making the cover, much less not
answering the ten count. I mean Bernard sells
Kojima's shitty offense like a fucking king and you know the psychological
basis of the finish but Kojima sucks ass and he can't really muster anything
that would make you buy it. But Bernard is so fucking awesome in this
that you can look past this one major flaw and take the GIFT the Puroresu God's have left you...
TOGHI MAKABE vs
Naofumi Yamamoto- NEW JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- G1
Climax-8/8/2006: God,
this DVDVR is all that Yamamaoto and Yujiro that is supposed to heat up my
wrestling tenderloins and so far so good (Yammmi/Sai) and here we go with the
Japanese poor man's Mike Enos versus young buck Yamamoto. Yamz brings the
kicks and crappy dropkick early. Yamamoto's offense is 50% cool and 50%
pure shit so I'm not in love with him unless Sai is
kicking the fuck out of him. Makabe does the GNARLEY Death Valley Bomb to the floor that is met with deep
crowd indifference for some reason. I really like Makabe but it appears
that noone in the Japanese paying audience could give a fuck. His offense
is 100% perfectly okay. Maybe the crowd was MIC-ed~! wrong.
Makabe has a really nice vertical suplex. Maybe he is the best possible
Hugh Morris. Maybe he should just stick to the New Japan Pseudo-WCW-Syndies- as his vertical suplexes
may have more heating effect in the studio confines filled with folks who
actually give a shit about methodical match structures with good looking
offenses. This all kinda builds to a Yamzz underdog comeback that isn't
getting the crowd worked up. Thus, it would appear to be a failure so
far. Makabe stretches the fuck out of Yamamoto with a half-crab and I
await Makabe vs Hiro Saito for the MUGA title. Yamamoto finals starts
kicking the fuck out of Mukabe and the crowd is listless though his kicks are
hurty and his backdrop makes you think that he has a ghost of a chance before
Makabe cuts him off and kills him a couple lariats. Mukabe is TENZAN ARMY
now and you gotta wonder if it's gonna be a
Anti-Choshyu Army Black And White to Chono's Wolfpack. As Mukabe's
overness is very Stevie Ray/CurleyBill/Bryan Adams-esque.
~@~
CMLL ON
GALAVISION- 5/2005
[RAVEN MACK]
-------------------
Hector Garza &
Damian 666 & Mr. Aguila vs. Universo 2000 & Tarzan Boy & Rey
Bucanero: I love the
lucha libre. You see a lot of lucha respect in American indies,
but they tend to concentrate on the artsy-fartsy crazy characters and
fliptastic styles. The great thing about lucha libre is that it's folk art
rather than urban art school college art, and there's a down-home feel to lucha
that the lucha-inspired indies have yet to capture.
The deal here is Universo Dos Mil
beat Halloween in a hair match, using what looked to be a piledriver, but the
ref ruled it that Halloween hit his shoulders. We have Universo talking shit
with a scowl before this trios match, with Halloween
being pushed around in a wheelchair with neckbrace and leg cast by Damian, who
is in full evil make-up and street clothes. The skull of Melissa would be
proud. When I first started getting the lucha libre weekly back when I had a
satellite tracking machine shooting television waves into my brainwashing box,
much to the joy of Homeland Security types, I could not stand them there
Dynamite Brothers. And I still don't care much for Cien Caras or Mascara Ano
Dos Mil, but Universo Dos Mil started growing on me pretty hard about the time
he put Perro Aguayo out of official commission. And now that he looks like a
pockmarked evil drunk Mexican heel without his mask, it's even better. And you
know, you have to love the fact that in the year 2006, with all the scientific
breakthroughs in medicine and structural rehab of skeletons, the piledriver is
still sold as motherfuckin' chump ass evil in Mexico. I am not a scientific
type; in fact, I'd say fuck science, as it's not half as smart as it thinks it
might be. There are things that cannot be explained, like Que Monito or
hermaphrodites or furries or Reggie Roby, and science will come up with some
half-assed explanation to try and put it all in its proper place, but it
doesn't work. This is why I like the religious aspects of wrestling as opposed
to techincal analysis, because religion doesn't give you a half-assed
explanation, it just accepts the fact there's shit you could never explain and
THAT'S THE MAGIC of whatever it is you're getting religified about. Sometimes,
I hate wrestling so much because I've been polluted by the poisons of
over-analysis. Usually, when this feeling overwhelms me, I'll take a couple
hydrocodones with a corked bottle of cabernet sauvignon, something warm for my
gut and slow for my bloodstream, and pop in an old Sabu videotape or watch more
lucha that my man Ed Turtle continually sends me even though I've sent him
nothing but broken promises for like two years. (Actually, that's why I started
in May of lucha on gala, because I'm determined to work my way through all this
lovely stuff more than just having it on the background while I carve retarded
educated redneck haiku into soapstone with a Dremel.)
If someone promised me 51 lucha ring
girls in some sort of fake-heaven after I martinized myself, I'd probably try
to kill some godless Americans, too. Pooch bellies and fake titties never
looked so good. Hector Garza's mustache makes me think further of fake-heavens
and the recent passing of Antonio Pena and I'm sure if there is a for-real
Heaven, no religion's for-real Heaven would exclude a mad genius businessman
like Antonio Pena, and I'm sure in Heaven, the midgets and women work for free,
the young wrestlers are more than glad to sign the rights away to their
gimmick, and the muscular guys love wearing thongs. Heels fuck up the faces for
a visually spiffy three men splitting apart the legs of two men to flip them
over into a menage-a-cinco Boston crab fairly fast for the cheap first fall
victory.
I guess everybody in this match is
actually rudo, just like the real world. Tarzan Boy doesn't look nearly as
roided up as I remember him. Now, Damian and then Aguila both had CAPITAN!
Universo Dos Mil pinned in this second fall, but pull him up to make him
suffer, just like their podna Halloween has suffered, sitting up there on the
entrance ramp in his neckbrace, wheelchair, and doo-rag. Damian 666 does one of
them new-fangled invertebreaker-breaker moves that would far more easily
paralyze a man than a piledriver for the second fall win. This is Mexico, and the crowd appropriately boos, and
without irony, but a man also draws caricatures ringside while an infant wears
a Mistico stocking hat.
Rubber stamp caida starts with
Universo Dos Mil wanting him and Damian 666 one-on-one, to settle some old
festering bullshit, which ends in some crowd-pumping kicks to Damian's ribs. I
guess Los Perros Del Mal are more rudo than regular
rudo. And I gotta tell you, if you had said to me in like 2001, "Yo Raven,
you know Hector Garza is gonna look far gayer than he does now, and in an even
more disturbing mistaking-power-for-sex type way," I would've said
bullshit, because his AAA gyrations of 2001 were enough to bother even me, the
amazing two-bearded man. But damned if he doesn't, with his thicker physique
and creepy blonde hair and weird Magnum P.I. as filtered through the Rio Grande mustache, look even more creepily homosexual
than he did back then. (For those who think I automatically associate gay with
creepy, I'd like to explain my barometer for wholesome homosexuality is Larry
and Laban, two guys who had crocheted witches in their kitchen on a
Roanoke-based PBS cooking show that was the greatest show a stoned teenager
could ever want to watch while staying home from school for the fourth time in
two weeks. It's where I learned to make peanut butter pie, and no, that's not a
euphemism for something homosexually kama sutric.) Bucanero does a ringside drop
toehold on Garza into the fans in the front row, and it just doesn't seem that
devastating if Garza is acting like he's gonna lose five teeth but the dude he
got dropped against is leaning on his wife's shoulder and laughing. Third fall
highspots lead to just Garza and Tarzan Boy in the ring,
and Garza gets down on his knees with one hand behind his back for the
handshake, in the third fall. You gotta love lucha. Ends up with Tarzan almost
getting pinned by Garza but Universo, ever the resourceful old fighter, throws
a beer in the face of Garza which leads to his match-deciding pin, because
alcohol stings his memory, as it was the drunken abuse of his father at a young
age that has caused him to unhealthily search for approval, albeit through
sexual avenues, from older men.
Atlantis/ Ultimo
Guerrero/ Averno/ Mephisto vs Blue Panther/ El Hijo Del Santo/
Mistico/ Negro Casas: Mistico is so fuckin’ large (in terms
of pop culture approval) there needs to be a Negro Mistico like three weeks
ago. And Negro Casas will always look to me like a guy trying to jack-off in
the woods watching teenage girls swim at the public park swimming hole. Also,
if I had a lot of unnecessary money to waste on running stupid wrestling shows
that 74 people would go to and then I’d sell only 37 copies of the show,
but those 37 copies would in turn be “traded” to another thousand
people, I’d totally waste my money on bringing Blue Panther in. That guy
has been silently solid for as long as I’ve followed the stupid lucha
semi-regularly. Ultimo Guerrero is looking swank as always, though his colors
may be a design meant to complement Mistico; I’ve always been super
partial to Ultimo’s lime green/black phase.
Mistico is not a big guy, even by lucha standards, and los cuatro rudos grab a
limb each and toss him up as far as they can, and Mistico does a great job of
landing on his head and throbbing around like masked olive-skinned Rocky King,
and I almost start to believe they may actually maim him slightly, right before
all four guys pile on to pin him to finalize a first fall win for the
crowd-pleasing ways of evil. 1000% rudo, yo, 1000% rudo.
Lucha chaos is not necessarily the greatest work rate wise, but fuck it,
I’d rather look at crazy guys in masks slap each other in front of
families than work anyways. I’m also starting to realize one of the most
marketable things about Mistico is that almost every other luchador can easily
toss him 17 feet into the air, and when he lands with a sprawling thud,
followed by some epileptic twitching, it makes it all seem oh so real for a
second or two. But the tecnicos take over, of course, and Mistico throws like
seven shitty kicks during the momentum changing melee, while Negro only throws
one that was shown, but it was a nice boot about halfway down Mephisto’s
throat through his cheekbone in the corner. A brief gathering of the senses and
restart center ring ends up in beautiful lucha chaos that ends with Mistico and
Blue Panther slapping on simultaneous submission armbars on Ultimo and
Atlantis, after Santito barely gets launched far enough over the ropes into a
tope for Averno to catch him without cracking any heads. But fuck it, it’s lucha. Being safe is for sports entertainers.
Tercera caida ring card girl has the thick thighs and thick ass that I long to
share a king-sized bed jacuzzi hotel room with. The
crowd loves them some Mistico, him getting name chants like Santo with horn
blasts and mad foot-stomping. And when I’m watching lucha libre and I get
to see the Negro Casas slaps on a sleeperhold type thing, falls backward with
rudo stomach exposed, Santo does a senton from the top rope but rolls into
upright run across the ring to do a tope through the ropes to the outside, then
I’m a happy wrestling viewer. That spot’s like the Ric Flair over
the top rope run to the other corner spot times siete. So Atlantis is using Que
Monito against his will as a weapon, which is funny to me because I don’t
often see little furry humans in my every day life, but then Que Monito wobbles
over and gives Atlantis the dreaded south of the border below the belt
clubbing, and even though Que Monito is maybe 56 lbs. with his furry costume
on, Atlantis is down, clutching his el hijo holders. Mistico planchas Ultimo
down the aisle, and we just as Santito and Casas are battling Averno
and Mephisto and I thunk to myself how this is setting up another ring-clearing
situation to leave the capitans Panther and Atlantis in the ring for the
finale, Santito and Casas slap on submission holds and it’s over. The
thing about lucha main events is they could be interchangeable with a ton of
other lucha main events, but were you to have a DVD
full of nothing but the lucha main events from CMLL on Galavision, if you
didn’t love the fuck out of that divid, I don’t know if I’d
want to know you.
~$~
BIG JAPAN-
DEATHMATCH WARS #91 - 9/10/2006
[DEAN RASMUSSEN]
--------------------------
I think this is a one match show-
and I wonder where the love of God goes when the Ryuji Ito turns the minutes to
hours. But we must watch it before we spew forth vile hatred so let us take a look.
I think I got this from Stuart's board but I'm not sure- as I have so much wrestling
to watch and but one life to live. It truly is the happiest of days. Wrestling fandom wise.
Ryuji Ito vs
Takashi Sasaki: Another day, another death match. I am setting some sort of
personal record of death match viewing in a 6 month period. They show
flashbacks to all the matches I've watched in the last three weeks. They have a
little press conference where I assume they explain the reason for the shark
cage thingy with a ladder on top. Simplicity, guys. It's the key. Onita just
needed barbed wire that blew up and an exploding ring. His most memorable death
matches weren't socially stunted Rube Goldberg drawings. But I'm ahead of
myself already. Death matches are like electronical music. New Order made it
great because you felt the humanity underneath. The human will to win the match
is the story. If it's just jumping off ladders, you are moving more into a…
God, I can't think of a bad 80s electronical band. OMD- ruled. Naked Eyes-
Ruled. Human League- RULED. Just trust me. And I'm sure someone will spark my
memory. Hey, the match started. They fight in the middle and try not to get
thrown into the non-exploding flourescent lightbulbs. They do some standing
switches. The sliding in front of the bulbs- the TEASING of the glass breaking
in a powdery non-exploding mist- you have seen this is
every death match. They do a lot of chain wrestling and then the first one to
his feet runs over and hits the other over the head with a light bulb. That's
kinda neat- a sort of Shuttle Run For Kids Who Would
Mutilate Cats. Sasaki tries to suplex Ito through the dog cage of light bulbs
sitting on six chairs and they go right ahead and do it. I figured they would
build up to it, but this does have the element of surprise going for it. The
fact that they don't really sell it kinda validates the off-hand way they hit
the spot- and I love that Ryuji Ito sells his ride into the chairs as more of
hurt-inducing move than being suplexed through a barbed-wire box off the apron
through to the floor. Maybe they are shooting for a CUMULATIVE selling thingy. That
must be it. Sasaki does kick him around a bit so I guess it's better than Ito
hopping up and going on offense. But yeah, come on guys. They smack each other
and Sasaki stomps him in the corner and the barbed-wire shark cage avec une
ladder is the TEASED spot so I guess it will hurt more than the dog cage to the
floor idea. Sasaki goes face first into the shark cage and a bunch of light bulbs
break as I notice that it isn't actually wrapped in barbed wire. Look. You NEED
an explosion there. Call me old school. This is like a Nu Metal band covering
"War Pigs". Sasaki no-sells a toprope Frankensteiner but he was hurt
by broken light bulbs one minute prior. I am starting to have... QUESTIONS.... about the quality of the psychology of this match.
I dunno. You gotta have ONE or the OTHER- rock solid psychology like the
Yamakawa-Honma-Shadow WX-Shadow Winger axis of matches or you need to have
ridiculously dangerous stuntwork like Cactus Jack or the TLC matches. The shark
cage visual was pretty neat when I watch it again but it doesn't even enter the
Dudley boys TLC non-Hardys matches level. And the
psychology isn't holding it together. BAH! Okay, maybe this will pick in the-
oh holy fuck, THIRTY-TWO minutes left? They fight for the ladder on top of the
regular non-barbed-wire shark cage and Sasaki teases Suplexing him twenty feet
to the ground- AND HE DOES! But the big question I ask myself
is- WILL ANYBODY SELL IT? It's good for a two count. So you will always have
that, gentle reader. Sasaki follows up with a Northern Lights Bomb for two. Ito
ducks a kick through a wad of tubes to his face and SPRINGS INTO ACTION! and hits a Frog Splash through some tubes for a two count.
Ito opts to build a Barbed-Wire Box On Six Chairs
thing inside the ring, as it would appear that this set-up doesn't actually
devastate the victim all that much off the apron through the floor. AH! You put
Sasaki UNDER it and dive off the ladder! But Sasaki isn't done yet so they
fight over the ladder again. Sasaki loses and falls off the cage and through
the box and then gets Frog splashed for two. See, this match is working on an
internal logic that they veiwer must buy into. The FLAW is that the match
itself doesn't actually buy into the internal Logic of The
Professional Wrestling. I can't follow them down a non-professional wrestling
logic route and buy into what they are trying to designate as a horrendous
finishing move and what is merely blood-drenched time filler. They kick out of
a lot of things. Ito misses a diving headbutt off the ladder on the cage and
hits the mat in what I am assuming was supposed to be the finish- but WHO COULD
BE SURE?!? Maybe he was supposed to DRAW THE POWER OF THE MAT into the cuts across his chest and the added
Fighting Spirit will vault him past the mechanisms permeating the match- thus
allowing Ito to win with a German Suplex? Well. The upside is that it isn't
actually 45 minutes like it threatened to be. They wrap it up at 22 minutes.
Fuck, I don't know what to tell you, gentle beloved reader. Non-sensical
selling and nothing blew up. Welcome to hell. Next time, if you ain't gonna
blow shit up, get Mammoth Sasaki to be in it so the wrestling aspect is
interesting. GUH. Ah, you might like this. I was
confused by it. Maybe that's a sign that it is BEYOND my old-fashioned
comprehension. I will gladly be the art critic who scoffs at this possible
Death Match Impression Sunrise and dub it "dog lickings".
Postmatch Jun Kasai is very earnest.
The rest of the show is all about
gearing up for the return of Yamakawa. And I back that play one hundred
percent.
~$~
PHIL
SCHNEIDER'S ON-GOING TOP 20 of 2006
Here is the current list, reviews
for the older matches are in previous DVDVR's
1. Chris Benoit v. Finlay
WWE 5/21
2. Jun
Akiyama v. Masao Inoue NOAH 4/23
3. Rey
Mysterio v. Randy Orton WWE 4/4
4. William Regal v. Chris
Benoit
5. Chris Benoit v. Finlay WWE 5/3
6. Finlay
v. Rey Mysterio WWE 3/20
7. Chris
Benoit v. JBL WWE 4/11
8. Homicide
v. Necro Butcher 5/13
9. Chris
Benoit v. William Regal WWE 5/8
10. American
Dragon Brian Danielson v. Samoa Joe ROH 8/6
11. American
Dragon Brian Danielson v. Nigel McGuiness ROH 4/29
12. Mistico/Negro Casas v.
Averno/Memphisto CMLL 4/15
13. Chris
Hero/Necro Butcher/Super Dragon v. Samoa Joe/B.J. Whitmer/Adam Pearce ROH 4/22
14. La Mascara/El Hijo
Del Santo v. Blue Panther/Tarzan Boy CMLL GDL 1/1
15. Rey
Mysterio v. Mark Henry WWE 1/15
16. Damien
Wayne v. Sean Denny NWA-VA 5/6
17. Meiko
Satomura v. Aja Kong Sendai Pro Wrestling 7/9
18. L.A. Park/Marco
Corleone/Johnny Stamboli v. Dr. Wagner Jr./Dos Caras Jr./Lizmark Jr. CMLL 5/19
19. Rey Mysterio
v. Finlay 9/5
20. Yuki
Ishikawa v. Hiroyuki Ito Big Mouth Loud 5/4
Previously on the list
- El Hijo Del Santo/Negro
Casas/Mistico v. Atlantis/Black Warrior/Ultimo Guerrerro 8/4
- Low-Ki v. Necro Butcher
IWA-MS 4/1
- Rey Mysterio/Bobby
Lashley/Chris Benoit v. JBL/Finlay/Randy Orton WWE 2/23
- Samoa Joe v. Necro
Butcher IWA-MS 1/12
- Minoru Suzuki vs.
Yoshiaki Fujiwara Big Mouth Loud 3/22
- Juventud v. Kid
Kash WWE 1/3
- A.J. Styles v. Matt Sydal
ROH 1/14
- Samoa Joe v. BJ Whitmer
ROH 1/14
- Chris Benoit v. Randy
Orton WWE 1/24
- Shadow WX/Mammoth
Sasaki v. Abdullah Kobyashi/Daisuke Sekimoto BJW 1/27/06
- Finlay v. Chris Benoit
WWE 1/30
- HHH v. Big Show WWE
2/13
- Finlay/JBL v.
Lashley/Chris Benoit WWE 2/16
- KENTA/Takeshi
Morishima/Mohammed Yone v.Kenta Kobashi/Yoshinobu Kanemaru/Tamon Honda NOAH
2/17
- Undertaker v. Kurt
Angle WWE 2/19
- KUDO & MIKAMI v.
Yoshiaki Yago & MIYAWAKI Chikara 2/24
- Milano Collection
AT/Skyde v. Claudio Castagnoli/ Chris Hero Chikara 2/26
- Finlay v. Bobby Lashley
WWE 5/8
4. William Regal
v. Chris Benoit
Well fuck. This might be my
favorite match up in wrestling history, and it shows up on PPV. It was Regal v.
Benoit and you got all that you would hope from that. The first headbutt which
split Regal open was Kikuchi level nasty, it sounded like someone dropped a
Mango off a 5 story ledge. I also loved Benoit chopping Regal right on the open
wound to get the blood flowing again. Regal's King Kong kneedrop was a new
wrinkle and a great one, one knee to the ribs, one to the neck. I especially
loved all of the mat struggling, Benoit's mat work always looks like a viscous
fight, and the countering of the Regal stretch here was great, as was Regal
fighting the crossface like his life defended on it. I like how Regal doesn't
fight the crossface, but always immediately taps, really puts over the
viscousness of the hold
12.
Mistico/Negro Casas v. Averno/Memphisto CMLL 4/15
This has been a pretty rough year
for CMLL, with their main events being cut really short, and nothing really
delivering like it should. This however got close to 30 minutes and was
actually worked sort of like a title match. Mistico usually breaks it out for
big matches, but he was sort of subdued here, he and Averno ran through their
fast exchanges, but the focus of the technicos was on Negro Casas as it should
be. Casas was the conductor and is still one of the best wrestlers in the
world. Just his opening standing switch section with Memphisto was beautiful.
Then when he kicks it into gear he was great. The first two falls were on the
short side (although not by 2006 CMLL standards) and then they had a super hot
third fall full of big moves.
I don't really care for Ulitmo
Guerrerro style "big spot" rudos, all I need from my rudos is good
catching, some big bumps, nice punches and some shtick. Averno and Memphisto are not that kind of rudo,
they break out a half a dozen powerbomb variations in the third fall, which is
really five too many. It isn't my kind of lucha, but
everything was hit really well, and the near falls were very cool. I hope CMLL
delivers better this year, but so far this is the best I have seen.
19. Rey Mysterio
v. Finlay 9/5
We get another TV match between
the best babyface in wrestling and the best heel, and the Finlay love
continues. This match was hurt a little bit by the storyline, which was Rey
being "off his game" although most Rey matches, on game or off, have
him selling as much as he did here. I don't think Finlay ever worked lucha, but
he was the lost great rudo in this match. I loved the little opening mat work
which had Finlay reverse the headscissors using a
indian deathlock, his headscissors counter into a quebradora was amazing, and
he took all of Rey's offense perfectly. The bump on the satellite head-scissors
was especially gorgeous. As much as I was in love with January/February Finlay
he may even be better now.
~@~
POINT/COUNTERPOINT:
$%$%$%$%$%$% Yutaka
Yoshie vs Buck Quartermaine- MUGA- 9/25/2006- [ALEXANDER CAIN]: Quartermaine is like an epileptic whore. He
means well, but just when you're about to come, he spazzes out and fucks up the
klymaxx. That whole legwork section outside the ring made no fucking sense
whatsoever. I just watched Terry Allen and Barry Windham rassle the Alabama Chain Gang on CWF '82, and, brother, lemme
tell you, that was real wrestling. ACG [two guys in Assassin suits with
vertical stripes on the whole shebang] was all Disorderly Conduct on the two
Young Lions, cutting off the ring and getting mad heat. They went to a time
limit draw. No resolution. Loaded boot gimmick. After the match ended, I
remarked to my girlfriend 'I'd pay to see that match. I feel like I'm ten
again'. She didn't acknowledge what I was saying. Just went back to reading the
'Bell Jar'. A good book, but still....
$%$%$%$%$%$%
Yutaka Yoshie vs Buck Quartermaine- MUGA- 9/25/2006- [DEAN RASMUSSEN]: I always confuse Quartermaine with one of
those guys that was in a Memphis tagteam in the late 90s and I can never
remember if it was New South or the Tennessee Volunteers or some other something or
another. I know that he is in Japan because Riki Choshyu brought in a
folks from Florida to wrestle in Wrestle One and I assume Fujinami remembered
young Buck and thought “Florida=Briscos=MUGA” so he is in!
Yoshie is the best possible Tugboat Taylor so I could see how a young man from Jacksonville would wax nostalgic. Yoshie is awash in pink
and is this most peckerwood white trash looking Puroresu superstar on the
circuit so I'm having nostalgic memories of Al Madrill versus Killer Karl
Kox. MUGA is about the STORY and the STORY is that Buck is little and
Yoshie is large and they work around that idea. Buck is quick and works
the leg until he gives up the clean break. I like Buck in this match
because he has the baffled expression on his face between moves like he is
amazed to be there- as if he is saying to himself, "Jesus, when they
figure out that I'm fuckin' BUCK QUARTERMAINE I'm so back on the plane and
back to bouncing at the Gator Growl Bar and Grill." Buck's Rip
Rogers Crapping In His Pants Tiptoe Sell of the knucklelock HAS to make this worthy wrestling and it makes
up for the hilarious chairshot after the aforementioned out of ring
legwork. The joy of Buck in the corner working the leg- where he says,
"Fuck it, I'm here. I'll just enjoy it."- was uplifting to my
human spirit. Buck trying to elevate his offense to not look like a guy
who would job to America's Most Wanted in three minutes was a little harsh- as
it isn't a role he's comfortable with, though between hesitation, he can conjure
a Bart Sawyer vibe that is worthy of a MUGA undercard. The finish is so sloppy
that I would be TEMPTED to join you in scorn for the match but I blame fat boy
just as much as Buck for fucking up the money shot. I like it because
MUGA is now in the context of the Puroresu Pseudo-WCW-Syndie and thus an
awkward match like this is going to happen. I don't remember ever hating
a Worldwide match where Juventud would try to work a
Powerplant trainee so how could I in good conscience hate this? If Masa Saito/ Kensuke
Sasaki vs the Southern Posse on WCW Pro is some mystical match in the mind's of
the Japanese to the point that the Puroresu Overlords feel it is the basis for
five syndie leagues, I back their play 100%.
~*~
New
Japan's LOCK UP- 6/25/06
[DEAN RASMUSSEN]
----------------------------------------
Stuart posted all this because he
fucking rules- (D/L it from his public folder and you can play along as I
review!). LOCK UP is Riki Choshyu's New Japan offshoot that runs in New Japan arena in Disneyland Tokyo (I'm assuming).
Hirooki Goto vs
Daisaku Shimoda: I could
have sworn I had reviewed some of this LOCK-UP before because it is right there with
Wrestle Land and SEMS and THE WOMAN in the PsuedoWCW WORLDWIDE-mania sweeping
Puroresu the wrestling as of late. This is like a WOW taping in it's tiny weirdness. Hirooki Goto I've seen a couple
times now and his Steve Buscemi good-looks will make sure that he will one day
graduate to the high profile big time of a MUGA undercard. Here he gets
four minutes to take a quick ass beating from Shimoda- who I don't remember
ever seeing. Hirooki whips out the All Japan Women rookie match offense and uses it to
sink in a cross-armbreaker. Shimoda- better looking in a goodlookin’
Greek guy with a lot of facial bee-stings sort of way- suplexes and suplexes
and suplexes until Hirooki can fight back with a leg lariat and a Boston Crab. Shimoda hits the ropes but Hirooki
hits some sweet side suplexes and gets the Rick Fuller over Roadblock-esque
win. We were diverted by a little wrestling. I love the LOCK-UP.
Takashi Uwano vs
Ichiro Yaguchi: These are
two crappy guys that are Choshyu cronies. Yaguchi doesn't carry the
barbed-wire cross to the ring anymore- or maybe he's toning it down for the Orlando audience.
Who could be sure? Anyway this is the EXACT same as Horace Boulder
and Ed Leslie wrestling on WCW Pro. Except Horace had
better offense than anybody in this.
Gedo vs Osamu
Namiguchi: Oh Namaguchi,
I don't remember ye. They wrestle this like
Juventud Guerrera versus Hector Garza on WCW Worldwide- with Gedo being the
world's most uncoked-up Juventud and Zero-1MAX boy being the least roided out Hector
Garza. Juventedo smacks Namihector around early- and then Namiguchi hits
some perfectly fine mid-grade New Japan Juniors offense and Gedo is in trouble until
he drops Namiguchi's throat across the toprope after hitting an Atomic Drop, a
stunner and something else. Gedo hits the superfly Splash and gets the
pin. No muss, no fuss- just a little wrestling to get you through your
hangover. That brought back memories. The Japanese announcer says some
bullshit about a game of human chess.
Naofumi
Yamamoto/ Yujiro vs Ryouji Sai/ Rikiya Fudo: Another Naofumi Yamamoto match
and Yujiro is there too! Truly I will be up to speed in no time. Hey, this
would sorta be like the Sai-Yamamoto rematch I would demand down yonder in the
Singles Going Steady. So the fact this is on the LOCK-UPS means they will give it eight minutes to
beat the hell out of each other. I'm torqued. Let's fire up the
computer machine and watch the goodness! Rikiya Fudo is a fat guy- so Food-Oh! is soo an awesome gimmick. He looks kinda like the
bastard son of Aja Kong and Buddy Lee Parker. Sai and Yamamoto hate
each other's fucking guts early and Sai is sooo my favorite out of all these
guys I hadn't seen yet. He kicks the living fuck out of Yujiro early and
I am aflame with love. Love for you, the reader. Love for you, The
Professional Wrestling. Sai kicking the fuck out of Yujiro is somehow
even more fun than Yamamoto and Sai kicking the fuck out of each other. I
love this shit. Then Yamamoto tags and punches Food-oh on the apron and
starts beating the shit out of Sai. Sai does the AWWWWESOMe jumping kick
to the face. It was awesome. They tag in Fudo and he, a ball of
fire and powermoves. He has FUDDDOOOO!! across
his pants. He also has a nice powerbomb to set up Sai’s completely
hateful doublestomp on our boy Yamamoto. Yujiro mauls Fudo with really
nice powermoves during an extended save- and I remember that I've seen Yujiro
before in a rookie match. Yujiro and Yamamoto beat the hell out of Fudo
until he can stand no more and that's that. That was an awesome 6 minute
match. The Lock-Ups is the best of the Puroresu Syndies.
Togi Makabe vs
Daisuke Sekimoto: Makabe
in LOCK-UP is a match made in heaven. Sekimoto
looks great against Mammoth Sasaki these days. Makabe isn't Mammoth
Sasaki but should fair well. Sekimoto topes early and starts punching
Makabe in the face and this is already fabulous. Makabe doesn't answer
the call to beat someone's ass and instead sets up Sekimoto's power arsenal so
this isn't nearly as fun as a Mammoth Sasaki production- but what on God's
green earth is? Makabe sells the fuck out of Sekimoto Big Japan offense and goes up big for his
suplexes. Makabe is really underrated and is quite the Mark Starr of the LOCK-UP All Stars. Sekimoto bumps big going
shoulder first into the ringpost and Makabe suplexes him and Superplexes him
and they opt to no-sell some lariats before suddenly selling the one that puts
Makabe over. Ending was shitty selling incarnate so.... a bit
disappointing considering how well everything was going up to that point.
I blame Sekimoto. Makabe is still on the Mike Enos roll of a lifetime.
Riki Choshu/Toru
Yano/Tomohiro Ishii vs Kintaro Kanemura/Tetsuhiro Kuroda/GENTARO: There
is dancing. Yano's boots are soo fruity. I remember GENTARO when he was
FIGHTING MACHINE TARO. I thought I would throw that in to
make sure you remember how down with the kidz I am! Ishii I'm sure I've
seen before in the last month and a half. Choshyu's team is sooo Dungeon of
Doom-level sleazy and crappy so I love them deeply while I also hate them for
being so crappy. Kanemura lowblows to get TNR2K6 back in the driver's seat. GENTARO
is great at landing on his head at an impossible angle but not so good when
throwing punches. Choshyu whips out the Scorpion Deathlock and GENTARO
attacks with a chair! This match is a total wreck. You'll chuckle
at things like I did. Yano's hilarious offense is so BAD. Ishii
fucks up the finish but GENTARO drops a nice toprope elbow drop so all is
forgiven. Because it's LOCK-UP and it's AWESOME. Kuroda is Fishman 1998-level So Very There in this. The actual finish involves lots
and lots of lariats and comical spears. Iishi hits a nice brainbuster for
the finish. I so dig the LOCK-UP.
Main Event sucked it, but I
digress.
$
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I
just hope and pray that the day of our love is at hand
You and I, me and you, we will
be one from two, understand?
SINGLES GOING STEADY
And the world is so wrong that I hope that we'll be strong
enough
For we are on our
own and the only thing known is our love
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
$
#$#$#$#$#$#$
Magnitude Kishiwada/ Don Fujii/ Naruki Doi/ Masato Yoshino vs Magnum TOKYO/
Super Shisa/ King Shisa/ Katsuhiko Nakajima - DRAGON'S GATE- 12/26/05- [RAVEN
MACK]: Dean sends
me shit and sends me shit, attempting to feed me the quality puro, but you
can't feed a man a kobe steak who'd rather suck on a bottle of cheap wine. I
have always had cultural blocks against the puro, and this is purely an
internal thing as opposed to a prejudice of any sort. I think in words as
opposed to images like what probably most folks do, pretty much reworking
anything and everything I experience during the day into words, for better or
worse, most of which never sees the light past my stream of consciousness.
Shit, I even tend to masturbate to forum letters as opposed to the pictorials.
So for me, knowing no Japanese, it makes it hard to experience the puro without
becoming frustrated with my own mental make-up's inability to process what I'm
watching in a way I enjoy. Luckily, I never really started watching lucha until
after I had a perfunctory amount of both book-sense and jobsite Spanish to make
it far easier to digest.
But I will try again. Dean sent me a
bunch of shit, and then even told me what matches I should motherfuckin' watch
with my ignorant ass, and this match from a Dragon's Gate show was one of the
ones he bolded up in his email to me. Isn't Dragongate the one with all the gay
shit? I certainly hope so, because the best wrestling I've ever seen is
definitely some gay shit.
Fuckin' Black Crowes music and a
bunch of freak indy rock looking Japs... this'll
probably be right up my alley, as more than even wrestling, I am a huge mark
for stupid shit. And Chris Robinson's New Earth Mud CD is the best hippie music
that's been made in the last ten years, far better than all that jam band
bullshit that's supposed to be Grateful Dead v3.0. And people follow that shit
like it's a real band nowadays, following shit like Disco Biscuits and the
shitty-ass String Cheese Incident. If there is a worse band than the String
Cheese Incident on this planet earth, then I haven't had seven different
misguided humans attempt to explain to me for far too long how great they are.
Ahh... weird techno-prog mood music
in the dark with fans holding glow sticks and some strange voice-over the P.A.
system... this is motherfuckin' wrestling. But again I am forced to ask myself,
has anything ever synthesized been rockin'? I think not. Once the weird
voice-over stops and someone sings, it sounds more like creepy anime music. The
local community college-funded station used to have this show on Fridays from
noon to two where the chick played all anime music and even would tell the time
and weather from Tokyo... people like that freak me the fuck out and would have
no second chance for life were I the Idi Amin of central Virginia
post-apocalypse splintering apart of America.
Whoa, there's a troupe of girls in
colorful masks dancing a very generic hip hop dance in the ring as the second
team in this match-up enters... that would make for much better MTV-style TV
than a couple of shitty brass pole hugging haggards with fake tits rolling
around in g-strings, which is what I usually see in the 'merican wrasslin'. Oh,
this is Magnum TOKYO's dance entourage, and HE DOES THE DANCE ROUTINE TOO, which makes him automatically the best
wrestling I've seen in the last three months (of course, I haven't watched
shit), and also has him expending more energy before the match even starts than
most everybody of what I saw on the shitty fake ECW by WWE divid I got from
stupid Netflix last month. Using him as the knowledge base of his team, I can
deduct who the two Shisas are (assuming the one with the burly bearded black
mask is King and not Super), and then figure out Nakajima.
The other team will not be so easy,
and they are carrying fuckin' workout equipment, which I find upsetting. I know
Magnitude Kishiwada is the masked dude, but the other three are just three
well-sculpted, fit-looking, wrestling Japanese fuckers, so bear with me as I
figure it out. Oh yeah, introductions... I got 'em all pegged now, and was
correct in my distinguishment of a man who is a masked king and one who is
merely super.
ALL HELL HAS BROKE LOOSE - IN
EIGHT-MAN FORM! Magnum and Fujii trade forearms in front of
some bleachers, and Doi and Nakajima are the dudes left in the ring during
intial melee. Super lucha-based international grappling, with Magnum TOKYO sitting in the crowd watching the match.
What a joker that Magnum TOKYO character is. The Yoshino kid looks about
sixteen and is a couple of stacks of pancakes lighter than everybody else, but
he runs through spots like a man who enjoys methamphetamine style commercial
drinks. And I can't help but love Don Fujii as he looks like a member of
Sha-na-na, but with an oriental face. Beyond his mask, Super Shisa is not very
fuckin' good for the most part, although I gain love for him as they have a
lengthy four-on-one segment with him as the one having the other team attempt
to crack as many of his ribs as they can. AND YET, STILL HE KICKS OUT! Shisa must be
Japanese for indestructible viking cat. King Shisa, a
much Chinese buffetier indestructible viking cat, gets involved to help his
Super counterpart out of a jam, which ends in double topes to the floor, and if
the lucha libre has taught me one thing over the years, it is that there is
nothing grander than a fat dude in a mask diving errantly into another man from
a platform about three feet higher than him.
Magnum TOKYO gyrates his
pleather-concealed penis in Doi's face before hitting a top rope hurricanrana,
and the crowd goes into the normal Pavlovian squeals of delight. I never
understood the thinking behind this... "OH SHIT, YO! Look at Magnum act
like he's rubbing his dick in that other dude's grill... that shit is so
awesome." I guess it all relates to the whole "suck my dick"
derogatory retort, which I don't use because what if somebody said,
"sure"? Then I'd have to get over my feelings of guilt at letting
another man fellate me while being married. At least the first time that
happened to me, I wasn't attached, though the feeling of scratchy face around
succulent lips has always bothered me, because sensually, those two things
don't match up in the preconceptions of my mind. However, like my dad taught
me, so long as I don't touch a penis, I'm not being gay.
Yoshino hits a sweet missile dropkick
which he angles like a double thrust of foot from the sky into the face of
Super Shisa, who is earning his money during this match if not for nothing more
than being the whipping boy. King Shisa is like a thousand times better than
Super Shisa, which may be a metric conversion of sorts that I don't know about,
since I am an ignorant American. And one who likes the men who what does the
fake fightings to boot. Super Shisa even does some lucha-style spinning around
the body of your opponent type stuff in slower speed than you'd expect, making
even that look more forced and faker than usual. Maybe Shisa actually
translates as slow motion alien life form. Aww, stupid Super Shisa gets kicked
in the beard in his mask and pinned to cause shameful defeat for his team. I
had fun with King Shisa, Magnitude Kishiwada, and Don Fujii, and if you'll pay
for another date, Chuck Woolery, I'd love to see them again.
%^%^%^%^%%^
JUSHIN "THUNDER" LYGER vs MINORU TANAKA- NEW JAPAN PRO
WRESTLING- 5/28/2006- [DEAN RASMUSSEN]: Stuart posted this and we thank him. Remember when TAKA Michinoku went to the WWF
and hung around in the US and Puerto Rico for a couple years. When he came back
and started wrestling again he would have a good match every now and then- but
mostly he wrestled every match in Japan like it was 6 minute Velocity match.
The farther Minoru Tanake gets from his BattlARTS beginnings the more he is boring
me to death. Hopefully not the point of de-Michinoku Pro-ized TAKA, but we're
moving in that direction but he really hasn't done anything for me since being
absolutely SOLID GOLD in that NOAH invasion tag match. But we have
THIS. I haven't seen Lyger have a really good match in a while. His G-1 match
with Giant Bernard is kinda like everybody else's match with Bernard in the
G-1: well, it was fucking Giant Bernard so of course it fucking ruled. Giant
Bernard is becoming the new Benoit match gauge- or non-gauge- since matches
with either can usually be chalked up to Benoit or Giant Bernard regardless of
how good the opponent is. So, I have high hopes for this. Minoru flies into a
crossbreakor early and then Minoru does mini-Zbysko stall for no real reason.
Lyger does his basic Lucha Libre submission thing until Minoru goes back to the
arm and this MUGA influence is getting way out of hand. Lyger SHOTAYS! to try to set up a toprope brainbuster or something but
Minoru dropkicks him and they brawl to the floor- hitting the East sign at
Koureken. Though Lyger wasn't spewing blood so I didn't understand
the significance. Lyger ges all fun with the piledriver on the uncovered
floor and then takes off the turnbuckle padding and yeah, I love the Lyger
again. Minoru is a pussy and doesn't blade from the piledriver. Minoru fights
off a toprope Frankensteiner and Lyger is back to selling the arm. Minoru kicks
the arm in a myriad of ways as this drifts away from
the bloodbath this was looking like it was going to become- as Minoru hits a
nice Dangerous Backdrop. Lyger hits a Released German and one can only hope
that Lyger goes back to his Puerto Rico 1983 instinct with this match and he starts with the
brainbuster on the floor. One would hope for a follow up of a broken wooden
chair leg jabbed into Tanaka's forehead but I doubt if this match can deliver
what it taunted me with when Lyger exposed the turnbuckle. Lygerbomb
for two. Not on the exposed turnbuckle. BAH! Minoru with a backslide and rolling cross-armbreaker thing and this is
perfectly fine junior heavyweight wrestling. Which isn't gonna cure me of my
declining interest in these two. Tanaka kicks like a pansy now. Shotay for two
and I've completely turned on this match. It's not fair. I blame Lyger for
hinting at something else and then doing a straight New Japan Juniors Velocity match. Nice Shotay though.
Minoru leaned into it like a man. Minoru no-sells a toprope brainbuster and
this match can go fuck itself. Lyger beats him with
suddenly effective second toprope brainbuster. I'd call Tanaka the Scotty2Hotty
of New Japan Juniors but Scotty2Hotty would fucking sell a brainbuster- and
fuck, he would have bladed after the piledriver to the floor. This sucked ass.
#$#$#$#$#$ BAD
NEWS ALLEN/BRUISER BRODY V INOKI/FUJINAMI [BOGUS PROPHET 5000]: I grew up a big mark for CWF -- and a big
part of the reason, even though the promotion was into what we now call its
decline and fall, is because the promotion had some awesome heels come through.
The kind of guys I would see and wonder why they weren't wrestling Flair
instead of, well, the people Crockett fed to him. The two gaijins in this were
on my short list, and I was stoked to see this match. Did not
disappoint. Allen and Brody work really smooth, stiff, and vicious on
the doubleteams, almost like a sped up Minnesota Wrecking Crew. Both guys could work at this
point, and, well, you know what Inoki and Tatsumi could do. Brody was just on
here -- his dropkick against Fujinami early in the match a thing of beauty. The
finish was indecisive -- 'it's breaking down in Osaka' -- with the timekeeper's table flying into
the ring at the very end. The Americans carried the offense, and Inoki and
Fujinami sold like Mulkeys. Awesome stuff to watch on a
Saturday morning, or any morning.
!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@ Naofumi Yamamoto vs Ryouji Sai- NEW JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- JAPAN CUP- 4/16/2006- [DEAN
RASMUSSEN]: Reading
Stuart's recap to get a general idea of where I am with this. Sai is from
Zero-1 and I haven't watched him wrestle in forever if I have ever seen him.
Yamamoto I've seen wrestle a couple times and haven't
pledged my eternal love to him like others on the internet have. I was HOUNDED
to review this so I am filled with nervous anticipation that this is better
than the other Yamamoto offerings that have been served up to me. Yamamoto
looks at Sai with the awesome psycho look in his eye- as if to say in Japanese
the equivalent of "WHATCHU FEEL, MOTHERFUCKER? Ain't nuthin between us but
fear and atmosphere." Yamamoto tells the ref to
go fuck himself and starts in on Sai like he owes his mom money. Sai starts
stomping on Yamamoto's head in the corner in return and is baffled as to why
folks are giving him shit when he didn't start none but they gonna be some.
Yamamoto goes in for a takedown and Sai rips Yamamoto's entire head off with a
knee to the jaw. I think it might have been accidental. I KNOW it looked
fucking awesome. It was Sai saying- with his knee- "Come gitcha some,
pussy." This is already 12 billion stars. So they opt for some mat work to
slow it down for a minute but Sai decides to heat it back up by throwing
Yamamoto to the floor. Sai beats the fuck out of Yamamoto on the floor and
Yamamoto will stand there and accept an assbeating. Sai throws him into the
ring and fuckin stomps on some more until Yamamoto lucks into a Fujiwara
armbar. Yamamoto tells the ref to suck his dick after not breaking after Sai
makes the ropes. Yamamoto kicks the hell out of Sai in fun and excitingly
innovative ways to kick a guy in the fuckin' teeth. The running knee to the
sternum is soooo completely dickish that I can understand the love of Yamamoto now.
Though I love Sai more in this match. Sai sells the
Yamamoto choke out like he's a professional wrestling being choked out. Sai
tries to punch to a comeback but Yamamoto stuns him with a kick and kills him
with a dropkick. Yamamoto tries running kick to the throat after kicking him
the head to show he's his little bitch but Sai catches his foot and Release
Germans him- but Yamamoto no-sells it so the bloom off the rose a bit here.
Yamamoto goes up top but Sai catches him and Brainbusts him from the second
rope and they crawl around on the ground and headbutt each other until they get
to their feet. Sai slaughters him with a knee to the face after Yamamoto
bounces off the ropes and hits a perfectly fine toprope Double Stomp to get the
win. The finish would have to have required switchblades or rusty tin can lids
to truly match the level of ugly hatred that made the body of the match so fun.
QUALITY PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING. Postmatch, Zero-One
and New Japan try to shove it up each others asses and we
get to watch. I love me some interpromotional hatred. Sai is on fire calling
Yamamoto his little sissy fannypants sobsister and storming off in victory. REMATCH ALREADY.
$%$%$%$%$%$ The
Boogalou Crew vs Air Paris/ John Phoenix - circa fall 1999- [RAVEN MACK]: My man Lee down in Florida sent me an Air
Paris comp called Suicidal Tendencies, which is fitting because Air Paris was a
high-flying fliptard in Wildside about the same time A.J. Styles broke his
Wal-Martinized Christian ass onto the scene, yet while one followed the path
layed out by the lord, including dodging locker room politics and feeding his
body the necessary supplements to survive and thrive in the prefessional
wrestling industry, Air Paris turned out to be a dirtbag junkie who'd blow his
advance money when he could still get some in truck stop bathrooms shooting up.
But fake God and fake Satan are a western yin and yang, needing each other to
perpetuate their individual industries, so Air Paris deserves some recognition. And anyways, he
might be clean and sober now. HAHAHA, that's funny. Heroin junkies are to
cleaning up like wrestlers are to retiring.
I think the Boogalou Crew is Scottie
Wrenn and J.C. Dazz, and I also think Scottie Wrenn is that dude who caught
himself on fire on that one Wildside tape I watched way back in the day. I
never knew how fucked that was until I was at the Wildside Arena one time - an
old church-looking shit-ass building in the middle of a field not really near
anything too much of a note, although the country store across the road sold
boiled peanuts. I'd like to see some of that NWA Anarchy nonsense that
supplanted Wildside once Bill Behrens became a TNA person of importance. You
don't hear much about it on the world wide weezy and eye-dubya-see, so I figure
it's probably good shit that would draw black kids and old drunken racists and
paraplegic epileptics with Down's syndrome, who all get real loud and
boisterous enough to sometimes make the laptop-luggers
not feel as comfortable.
This match, however, is not very
good, and to be the first match on a best of comp... that
doesn't bode well. They do mention on commentary how Dragon Dan Wilson's great
uncle is Gypsy Joe, which is just one more reason to love Dragon Dan Wilson. I
don't have many regrets in my life, but I passed up the chance to drive a car
through West
Virginia
with the car full of Gypsy Joe and Necro Butcher to go to Delaware for some CZW thing. Instead I was gonna go
to a demolition derby in western Pennsylvania, but the timing chain in my car
went out a quarter mile from my house, so we drove my boy's car instead who was
going with, and he would not have been stoked to drive his shitty Saturn
hatchback with the busted muffler and half-missing fender through West Virginia
to stuff a couple of freaks like Necro and Gypsy Joe into the back to go to the
Truck Stop State... actually, he probably would've loved that. Oh well, it's
better to regret something you didn't do than to get locked up somewhere you
don't know anybody to call.
J.C. Dazz looks like he'd be a
volunteer fireman, which makes this match an even more perfectly southern indie
match. Oh man, Dazz has been getting whooped for a while, gets caught in an Air
Paris sleeperhold, but with the crowd rallying behind him, HE REVERSES MOMENTUM
DURING IRISH WHIP DUCKAGE... to slap on a sleeperhold of his own. The crowd
goes sort of wildish out of respect. Doesn't last long as
Dazz is your wifebeater-wearing crewcut-sporting Ricky Morton in this local TV
southern tag match formula. John Phoenix misses a corkscrew reverse
senton-looking thing, landing on his hip-hopbone, and then Air Paris gets dropped on his shoulders but like it's
his neck, and their third buddy outside the ring gets
powerbombed, so hopefully this means the hot tag to Scottie Wrenn and we can all
get on with our lives. Oh no... Scottie Wrenn is so excited he accidentally
clotheslines the ref, and even though the Boogalou Crew hits their finisher (a
rip-off of the Dudleyz 3-D), their mortal enemies for the upcoming seasonally
featured card come out and do damage and cause the Boogalou Crew to lose a
non-title television match-up to an upstart tag team. Will injustice know no
limits?
%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%
GENICHIRO TENRYU vs RICKY STEAMBOAT- 2/23/1984- [DEAN RASMUSSEN]: collateralxxx posted this on the board and
we thank him. Steamboat in Japan is strange. Folks say that the Japanese
didn't dig his giant overselling of stuff. I'm assuming that folks who went to
the Steamboat matches weren't the same guys who went to all those Terry Funk
matches in Japan. DIVERSITY! Steamboat takes a young and spry
Tenryu to the mat and works an armbar and I see that Tenryu's use of
ridiculouly awesome levels of stiffness was a late career development- as he bust the Steamer in the mouth one. Steamboat goes back to
the arm after hitting the graceful and beautiful flying crossbody. They run the
ropes and go back to the armbar- as this is Mid-Atlantic but in Japan and I've
seen this match 4000 times with everybody interchangably inserted into both
spots. Steamboat with a DEEP ARMDRAG and back to the armbar.
Tenryu gets a headlock on Steamboat and elbows the fudge out of the back of
Steamboats neck, chops him and drops a truly nasty
looking knee across the throat. Tenryu is opting for big moves as he hits the
side suplex and then sinks in a front chancery. Steamboat powers out and Tenryu
decidesto start throwing steamboat around and Steamboat is fuckin Steamboat so
bumps all crazy to the apron. Tenryu goes back to the headlock and this is a
MUGA training film. God, this is DEFINITION: WRESTLING MATCH. Tenryu controls
Steamboat with a headlock and head scissors and Steamboat struggles out, hits the ropes and Tenryu cuts him off and they start
over again. Then they do it where Steamboat doesn't get out and hit the ropes
but he counters out and Tenryu counters Steamboat's counters to keep him in the
headscissors. Finally, Steamboat puts his weight on Tenryu's ankle and spins
into a figure Four and they do the whole turning of
the Figure Four which I thought was a goofball footnate to the move starting in
1989. They roll to the floor in the Figure Four and Tenryu tries to catch
Steamboat coming in but Steamboat hits a big Belly to Back
suplex and the karate chops start flyin'! The chopping each other section is
all dramatic because Steamboat was all about the dramatic. They do some
nearfalls and Steamboat does a slick counter into a Boston Crab and they go to some nearfalls until
Tenryu hits a really nice Enzuiguiri for two and a suplexd and misses the
Falling Elbow Thing. Tenryu kicks out of a crossbody and procures a crossface
for the pin. Not the most heated and intense wrestling match you'll ever see. I
dunno. Steamboat ruled. Unless he was in Japan. Where he kinda sucked.
This was kinda like the first half of a WWWF Bob Backlund match without the...
you know... SECOND half of a Bob Backlund match.
$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%
Satoshi Kojima vs. Katsuyori Shibata- 12/29/05- Big Mouth Loud- [RAVEN MACK]: I am intrigued like a simple-minded moth to
the fire of the blood and bold tattoos of the Inoue/Murakami match before this
one, but I will follow Dean’s suggestions and go straight at the main
event. Shibata has emotion, to counter Kojima’s color-coordinated outfit.
Shibata appears to be a kick machine with bad hair,
and whoever makes Kojima’s ring gear appears to like architectural review
magazines from 1982. Shibata’s kicks continue to pester Kojima, so he
moves towards some legholds to weaken their strength, or at least I think
because I am thinking way too hard about what I’m seeing. Yet Shibata
remains ridiculous with his legs. It is amazing that a man, whose species has
utilized the hands and fingers along with brain to such incredulous levels,
could develop such lethal second fiddle limbs. FOR GOD’S FUCKING SAKE,
STOP KICKING KOJIMA. Outside the ring, Shibata pulls the safety mat up, which I
don’t have to understand Japanese commentary to know, he’s about go
try and get all unsafe up in this piece, at somebody else’s expense. And
he goes for a brainbuster, but you can’t do a brainbuster with just your
legs, and when you develop your leg offense so heavily like Shibata obviously
has done, sometimes the other aspects of your wrestling game lag behind, and he’s
unable to lift Kojima into a busted brain maneuver, and Kojima reverses it to
drop Shibata on his shoulders onto the nice hardwood floor previously concealed
by a blue mat. Instant karma, yet again in the professional
wrestling.
And that was the changing of the
tide, with Kojima taking over. When Shibata does mount a comeback, of course
with the lethal legs, we get LEG WHIP ACTION. There’s a really nice
sequence where Kojima is fighting armbar attempts, a perfect mixing of the MMA and the worked combat into something that
seems like it might actually be a part of a larger-than-life fight, as opposed
to just some dumb stiff shit two wrestlers hit each other with in a
predetermined wrestle match. Kojima starts to bring the
wicked clothesline action to counter the wicked kicks upside his ribcage he’s
taking, and vicious lariat beats vicious foot, because man has developed his
arms as weapons far more than the legs, as it is closer attuned to the brain.
It’s an old story, and ask any friend tomorrow,
would they rather lose an arm or a leg, and anybody with any sense will tell
you a leg, because legs are for pussies. Arms are for men. Says
so in the Constitution even.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
NEXT TIME! MORE of the BELOVED
wXw! THE NOAH 9/9 SHOW I HAVE BEEN AVOIDING! NEW JAPAN! ALL JAPAN! MUUUGGGA!!! and yes FINALLY. THE WORLD OF SPORT! I SWORN.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
8 FISTS IN THE FACE OF
WRESTLING.
THE DEATH VALLEY PLAYAZ