WELCOME TO THE DEATH VALLEY DRIVER VIDEO REVIEW #159!

Your cover is by Photographer of the Professional Wrestling Extraordinaire- young DAVE LAYNE.  (I- Dean- sepia toned it.)  Dave brings the rulage.
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BIG MOUTH LOUD- "ILLUSION VI"- 7/2/2006
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[DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Kevin posted this whole show on the matches board because I think he wants online marriage proposals from lovelorn wrestling fans.  MINES IS IN THE E-MAILS.  You bring the RULING. Big Mouth Loud is sooo the grreatest WAR 2006. If only they could get Osamu Tachihikari's younger brother to come out and squash a Dragon Gate trainee, it would be perfect.  (Oops! It went under a few days ago)

Great Kabuki-cito vs Yoshiaki Fujiwara: Fujiwara wrestles a kinda tall midget for 8 minutes. He does sell for the little guy a whole lot for whatever reason.  Fujiwara cheats and chokes the 4' 11"ish guy and it's all confusing. Cito with the nerve pinch and await a four foot ten Gary Hartcito to come to ringside and sweat a whole lot.  Kabuki is at ringside cheating to keep the match going and this is far longer and far more disturbing than I figured it would be.  They take it to the mat and just as I'm trying to figure out why this is the only competitive match between a little person and Japanese Wrestling Legend, they make it all worth while by having the little person do a tope where he completely misses Fujiwara and instead flies over the rail and clears the press table.  The guys he lands between make the look like they are trying to figure out who threw the full beer at them.  Fujiwara armbar at 7:28. Oh yeah.

Yoshitsune vs AKIRA: (I did a search for Yoshitsune on the Googles and appears that he is like Cher in that he goes by one name) AKIRA!  I am stoked! Yoshitsune is all dropkicky.  AKIRA is betterly dropkicky even at his age.  Yoshitsune does the tope con hilo that clears the rail.  AKIRA is all dramatical as he ges to his feet because AKIRA is an enigma.  Yoshitsune will punch you right in the face.  I'm liking this kid.  He's all graceful and shit but he works stiff with AKIRA. AKIRA punches him in the back of the neck and posts him because AKIRA works really stiff and is also very graceful.  AKIRA ducks a MORTAL~! and mauls Yo against the ringpost on the floor and starts working the leg- dragon screwing into a Figure Four.  Yo isn't Ricky Steamboat so you don't really feel the urgency of the Figure Four- though he does sell it more when AKIRA drags it to the floor.  AKIRA spindles Yo's knee for a while longer and until he Brainbusts to a two count.  Yo and AKIRA fuck up a Spinning DDT and AKIRA responds with an elbow drop and toprope splash onto Yo's bad knee.  STF, and kicking and stomping of the knee.  Yo forearms all nasty to TRANSITION~! and it's a million dollar leg scissors and a HIlariously botched Orihara Moonsaults that crushes Yo's knee against the apron.  So yeah, no real 5 star selling of the knee by the lad.  AKIRA decides that SOMEONE has to remember the basic point of the match and does a beautiful roll-up into an SFT until Yo hits the ropes. AKIRA stomps the knee and Yo is back to selling it until he goes back to his Jackie Chan highspots.  They trade forearms and Yo actually remembers that his knee hurts. Yo with the superflashy roll-up before AKIRA fuckin SLAUGHTERS him with a Released German.  AKIRA hits a fullweight crushing Yo Sidewalk Slam to set up the AKIRA With the Love Machine Splash for the win. Yoshitsune is quite the quality indie highspot cretin.  AKIRA is fuckin AKIRA.

Enson Inoue/ Yuki Ishikawa vs Mad Dog Goto/ Mad Dog Ohara: Oh my God.  I got a bad feeling about 3/4s of this.  Ah, it's under ten minutes so fuck it.  CRAZY DOGS!  They stomp the ref and throw him wrongly over the toprope and start yelling for something in Japanese.  They brawl at ringside with my boy Yuki and your boy Enson.  Goto and Yuki do a hilariously long batch of walking while holding each others hair, only to end up kinda punching each other.  Yuki does start laying it in after a minute so they cut over the Ohara and Inoue who are doing... nothing at ringside.  Jesus, Goto and Yuki are going to walk all the way to the Tokyo Wawa around the corner with each others hand on the other's hair.  Ohara does beat everyone in the crowd to death with a chair and then goes after Yuki- who has to be winded from all that walking around.  Yuki punching Goto in the face is kinda fun and they call it a DRAW!  Postmatch, Goto suplexes a lot of young guys and boy this sucked.  It's freaking Yuki fuckin Ishikawa.  If you can't have a good brawl with Yuki Ishikawa, well, hoss...  you SUCK.

Katsuhiko Nakajima vs Muneki Sawa:  I haven't seen this Sawa guy before or maybe I did over at Tim's and don't remember.  Well, there you go.  You truly are hipper and cooler than me. Maybe you and your ilk can go and fuck yourselves.  I enjoy Nakajima.  This is all swirly matwork early.  Sawa is a little bastard in the break and it makes me love him.  They do more spinny grabby matwork and they settle into a kneebar until Nakajima hits the ropes and Sawa fucking FEREAKS OOT and starts kicking and elbowing the prone Nakajima and it's psycho fabulous! They kick each other realy hard until Sawa bounces off the ropes and gets kicked really really hard.  Nakajima with the Choking Suplex to set up his Missile Dropkick for two.  The kicks are all spectacular and graceful and hateful as they settle back to the kneebar.  Nakajima crushes Sawa's skull with two kicks for two. Sawa reverses a suplex into a Non-running SHANE CAPTURE~! and they go all reversy and kicky until Nakajima hits the German With A Bridge and gets the flash pin.  I love both these guys. This was very brief.  Postmatch, they hug and smile.  I don't speak Japanese so I don't know if they are buying a house together.  Or fucking each other in the buttocks.  I hate a indie hug.  I am SO bad ass.

Kazunari Murakami/ Katsumi Usuda/ Manabu Hara vs TARU/ Shuji Kondo/ Brother YASSHI: Murakami is still the ugliest motherfucker on earth- the Wicked Witch Of The West who will kick you in the face.  Usuda lost all his hair since the halcyon days of BattlARTS.  This is a SCRAMBLE MATCH early and TARU and Murakami walk around a whole lot. They stomp on Murakami when they finally coral the low-grade brawling into the ring and I'm having trouble focusing. Usuda starts kicking YASSHI really hard.  Usuda is BattlARTS alumni so he will kick you in the face.  This Hara kid will kick you in the head too.  YASSHI is victim of quite a bit of kicking and it gets pretty ugly when Murakami opts to start mauling him.  But it isn't as tight and spirited as what I would expect from those involved so it's nothing cathartic or anything.  They kinda listlessly beat on Hara for a while and I try not to watch the CORNER GAS episode that's on the TV to my periferal right.  And I'm losing. This kinda keeps going and Hank and Oscar are investing imaginary money and Oh Cool, Murakami is Face A-fire and he bring's a little energy to the proceedings.  Then he tags out and I luckily I can go back to fauntasizing about making sweet love to Karen the lady cop.  TARU and YASSHI and Kondo get disqualified or some shit.  When you get this match, play a quirky Canadian sitcom in the background so you blow through the 17 Marakami-less minutes.  Pointless.  Yes.  Pointless. Yes.  Very Very Pointless. Pointless.

Katsuyori Shibata vs Kensuke Sasaki: I'm guessing that this is gonna hurt.  Shibata has very stylish hair.  Shibata busts Sasaki up with kicks and knees to the face until Sasaki Backdrop drives him to set up his lucha stylings- busting out a Piscado Of Thickness, splattering the slight, narrow-hipped Shibata on the concrete.  Sasaki chops while Shibata kicks and Shibata gets the best of it and then starts stomping as Sasaki sells by slumping and splaying. You hear Sasaki's teeth clack together after a kick and it RULES.  Sasaki methodically lariats Shibata to the ground and decides to chop for a minute before trading headbutts. 7 minutes in and Sasaki is lariat-crazy and Shibata is all fiery in his smacky, kicky comebacks.  I dig the lack of a normal story.  It's basically super simple New Japan wrestling- I Shall Hit You With The Four Nasty Strikes I Know Until You Figure Out An Opening To Hit Me With The Four Nasty Strikes You Know And Perhaps I Will Duck A Lariat Or Backdrop You To Cut Off Your Comeback.  So yeah, it basically boils down to how good Sasaki is hitting his chops, headbutts and short lariats compared to Shibata's kicks, knees and forearms.  At eleven minutes, Sasaki whips out the power offense topped off with the beautifully out-of-control Oklahoma Stampede that throws Shibata flailing over the top rope. Shibata fights out and into his own superplex and Kensuke stands there and no-sells a batch of kicks to the chest until he can no longer no sell it and finally collapses to the mat- which is a nice piece of Kawadacana.  It's funny how this is Memphis style wrestling except you replace punches to the face with kicks to the chest.  Shibata kicks Sasaki enough to set up his finisher and the Ankle lock is procured.  Sasaki fights for the ropes and is dragged back and Sasaki isn't Ricky Steamboat but he isn't Rob Van Dam either so this is perfectly fine way to seal a sequence of wrestling before they go into Sasaki Lariat and Northern Lights Bomb Mania for the win.  This wasn't great but it wasn't bad at all.

Here is the current list, reviews for the older matches are in previous DVDVR's

1. Chris Benoit v. Finlay WWE 5/21
2. Jun Akiyama v. Masao Inoue NOAH 4/23
3. Rey Mysterio v. Randy Orton WWE 4/4
4. Chris Benoit v. Finlay WWE 5/3
5. Finlay v. Rey Mysterio WWE 3/20
6. Chris Benoit v. JBL WWE 4/11
7. Homicide v. Necro Butcher 5/13
8. Chris Benoit v. William Regal WWE 5/8
9. American Dragon Brian Danielson v. Samoa Joe ROH 8/6
10. Chris Hero/Necro Butcher/Super Dragon v. Samoa Joe/B.J. Whitmer/Adam Pearce ROH 4/22
11. La Mascara/El Hijo Del Santo v. Blue Panther/Tarzan Boy CMLL GDL 1/1
12. Rey Mysterio v. Mark Henry WWE 1/15
13. Damien Wayne v. Sean Denny NWA-VA 5/6
14. L.A. Park/Marco Corleone/Johnny Stamboli v. Dr. Wagner Jr./Dos Caras Jr./Lizmark Jr. CMLL 5/19
15. Yuki Ishikawa v. Hiroyuki Ito Big Mouth Loud 5/4
16. El Hijo Del Santo/Negro Casas/Mistico v. Atlantis/Black Warrior/Ultimo Guerrerro 8/4
17. Low-Ki v. Necro Butcher IWA-MS 4/1
18. Rey Mysterio/Bobby Lashley/Chris Benoit v. JBL/Finlay/Randy Orton WWE 2/23
19. Samoa Joe v. Necro Butcher IWA-MS 1/12
20. Minoru Suzuki vs. Yoshiaki Fujiwara Big Mouth Loud 3/22
 

Previously on the list
 

- Juventud v. Kid Kash WWE 1/3
- A.J. Styles v. Matt Sydal ROH 1/14
- Samoa Joe v. BJ Whitmer ROH 1/14
- Chris Benoit v. Randy Orton WWE 1/24
- Shadow WX/Mammoth Sasaki v. Abdullah Kobyashi/Daisuke Sekimoto BJW 1/27/06
- Finlay v. Chris Benoit WWE 1/30
- HHH v. Big Show WWE 2/13
- Finlay/JBL v. Lashley/Chris Benoit WWE 2/16
- KENTA/Takeshi Morishima/Mohammed Yone v.Kenta Kobashi/Yoshinobu Kanemaru/Tamon Honda NOAH 2/17
- Undertaker v. Kurt Angle WWE 2/19
- KUDO & MIKAMI v. Yoshiaki Yago & MIYAWAKI Chikara 2/24
- Milano Collection AT/Skyde v. Claudio Castagnoli/ Chris Hero Chikara 2/26
- Finlay v. Bobby Lashley WWE 5/8
 

16. El Hijo Del Santo/Negro Casas/Mistico v. Atlantis/Black Warrior/Ultimo Guerrerro 8/4

This was the main event of the sold out 18,000+ Arena Mexico show, and in front of that crowd the match got some time and the guys all worked really hard and we got a fun lucha trios match. The big difference between this match and some of the lesser CMLL stuff I have seen this years, outside of the time it was given, was Mistico. He has become a guy who works to the level of his crowd, and here he is going nuts. He is going for a ton of high difficulty stuff and hitting almost all of it, there is a spot where he and Ultimo are on the floor and Guerrerro throws him in the air he lands on the middle rope strand and flies back into a rana, just an amazing looking spot, which he hit perfectly. He opened the match with a balcony dive and bumped huge. There was plenty of other highlight stuff their too. Santo is a guy who doesn't need 18,000 to work hard as I have seen him do as many big spots in front of 43 people in Suburban New York. He is on point here though, all of his stuff is so beautiful, he hits alot of his signature spots, but also one or two things I haven't seen before, the finishing spot of the third fall was a rolling senton into a rana (instead of a tope) it was gorgeous looking. Negro Casas is one of my favorite wrestlers in the world, however he was definitely not the focus, he had a nice opening exchange with Atlantis and a great silla, but not a ton else really memorable.

This was a fun match, but not a classic. It probably wouldn't break my top 10 of 2005 lucha matches if it was last year. It really was missing any strong rudo presence, great rudos make great lucha matches, and while Black Warrior and Ultimo Guerrerro are both really athletic, they really lack much personality. I would much rather see Pierroth hit someone with his belt, then watch Ultimo hit a big suplex or take a bump. Atlantis has been a really fun sniveling heel in previous matches, but he like Negro Casas was kind of in the backround here. Really worth seeing, and it is definitely a match that non-lucha fans or guys who just like big spots would get really into, still isn't the classic lucha match I am still waiting for in 2006.

PRO WRESTLING NOAH'S SEM 7/22/06
[DEAN RASMUSSEN]
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Kevin is shooting for somekind of Canonization into the Parthenon of Wrestling Fandom Rulage by posting this whole card.  As far as my cursery research can eksplane, SEM is an offshoot of NOAH but an official offshoot.  Or something.  I will simply watch the wrestling and tell you how I FEEL.  I FEEL that since SUWA is in the main even that it will fucking RULE.  I FEEL it.

Taiji Ishimori vs Atsushi Aoki: Ishimori is a good looking young fella.  Aoki is the bad skinned youngster who would have to listen to Ishimori talk about fucking the girl that Aoki secretly likes.  NOW THEY WRESTLE EACH OTHER!  Aoki is a cock early and Ishimori needs a good smack for wearing those pants. Aoki works the leg and ishimori is all young and good-lookin' as he fires back in a Southern babyface way, setting up his dropkick and getting cut-off on the mat by the less attractive of the two.  God, I will say no more about how good-lookin either of these guys are, I apologize for my creeping creepiness.  Ishimori takes out Aoki's leg and they kill some time.  Ishimori's ChessKing '87 pants would be right at home in an Adam Ant solo video- the post-New Romantic era.  Misawa looks on pensively as Ishimori stays on the leg until Aoki hits the ropes. They fiddle around and Ishimora's goes back to the leg.  Ishimora's pants are banana yellow with really large black stitching up the side.  I think I'll keep talking about Ishimora's pants the entire length of his wrestling career because our friends Tim and Dave fixate on wrestling pants and it's really disconcerting.  But they also deliver consistently with the dvd of 80s Nashville when you least expect it so I will use Ishimori's throw away opening matches to analyze the fact that his pants resemble more of a couch at Graceland than a pair of pants that a grown man would wear to a wrestling match.  Ishimora's pants can't deliver the win on his Falcon Arrow or his REALLY nice Back elbow Off The Ropes.  They call his MORTAL~! a 619.  Rey Rey would scoff at the pants.  Aoki turns a second attempt at a Back Elbow into a nice German with a Bridge.  They kick out of shit and Ishimori no-sells a Northern Lights Suplex to hit his own shitty looking K-Driller so fuck Ishimori and his bad pants.

KENTA vs Ippei Ota: KENTA is remembering the troops!  Or is that the SEM logo.  AMERICANS love the FUCK out of SEM!  I see their logo EVERYWHERE.  Ota is a rookie and KENTA gets to beat him until Ota REAVEALS... to the WORLD... the EXTENT... of his FIGHTING SPIRIT!  You- gentle reader- and I both love a rookie training and discipline match.  KENTA will beat the living dogshit out of you just to see the look on your face.  HERE he wants to see the look on your face to be the look on your face of your FIGHTING SPIRIT!  KENTA kicks him right in the fucking throat as Ota come off the ropes and I think that's not the look of Ota's FIGHT SPIRIT on his face.  I think that's the look of BLOOD FROM MY TRACHEA IS NOW SEEPING INTO MY BODY CAVITY look on his face.  Ota dropkicks with kicks backed up with heaping handfulls of FIGHTING SPIRIT. KENTA CUTS HIM OFF! And beats the living fuck out him some more.  Ota reverses KENTA into a roll-up.  KENTA CUTS HIM OFF! And beats the holy breathing fuckshit fuck out of him.  They trade elbows in the center of the ring until Ota's FIGHTING SPIRIT is overcome by his FALLING TO THE GROUND WITH FIVE BROKEN MOLARS spirit.  Ota ducks a big boot and hits a running clothesline for two and then hits a toprope thing and KENTA CUTS HIM OFF! and TRANSITIONS~! to beating the living fucking living breathing dogshit out of Ota for a while.  Ota gets in a Spinning DDT before hitting an Airplane Spin.  Everyone's DIZZY!  Dizzy suplexes.  Dizzy elbows.  Dizzy Boston Crab.  It's like a Tequila Death Match!  Ota with the succession of roll-ups before KENTA kicks him dead in the face in full stride.  KENTA with an extended Boston Crab Moment and Ota makes the ropes and KENTA is working from the bottom and heading to more painful pinning combinations to gauge how much this guy has got in his heart... oh. Tiger Suplex and there you go.  ROOKIE DISCIPLINE MATCH~!

Takeshi Morishima vs Mammoth Sasaki: AWESOME! MAMMOTH SASAKI!  I thought he was on death's door or something.  He looks young and fit.  Morishima is the internet rock star now.  Sasaki was Morishima before Morishima was Morishima, he just didn't get any opportunites and then all sorts of shit that I can't remember had him sidelined forever.  Being in FMW right when it imploded also didn't help.  They do duelling Terry Gordies and EVERYONE wins!  These are a tagteam now, right?  They should be.  That would fucking rule.  Sasaki goes all FMW on Morishima by going for the hardcore lariat and missing into the post and then bumps GINORMOUS over the rail throught the first four rows.  Mammoth fucking RULES.  Mammoth buys some time and gets back in the ring and takes some more punishment.  Morishima double stomps him in the stomach and Mammoth sells Near Blowing Oats.  Mammoth ducks a lariat and hits a fucking FIERCE lariat of his own.  He hits a beautiful toprope lariat and then can't get Morishima's fat ass up for a powerbomb.  They punch each other in the face and I- DEAN RASMUSSEN-  FUCKING LOVE MAMMOTH SASAKI. I love Morishima too, but it's a different love.  Morishima no-sells a toprope superplex so fuck a Morishima.  He is the MONSTER MENG.  Plus he doesn't fly into the rail like a MAN like Mammoth Sasaki would.  And did.  He does take a weird ass chairshot to the face so my rage subsides.  Mammoth hits a sweet brainbuster but the ref has been bumped CONVENIENTLY to hold down the FMW alumni. Mammoth spins into a lariat and eats a Backdrop Driver like a KING.  Morishima wins with a Cobra Clutch and I want to do another DVDVR 500 just so I can put Takeshi Morisha at number 7 and put Mammoth Sasaki at number 4.  THAT'S RIGHT, MOTHERFUCKER. SUCK MY DICK. MOTHERFUCKER.

Go Shiosaki vs. Mohammed Yone: Go has grown out some facial hair so he looks like some kind of hipster douchebag.  Yone still looks like a complete freak in need of the total blow-out kit.  They elbow each other in the face really hard for a long time and I love that.  They do it again and I LOVE THAT!  Go with the shoulderblock!  Tamon Honda looks on and he is pleased though it is basic pedestrian wrestling so far. Go with the cravate avec knees to the face ISN'T pedestrian and I look past the fact that Go's facial hair makes him look like a hipster douchebag.  Yone doesn't look past this and starts beating on Go like he is playing his Fire! At the Disco cd too loud.  Go takes his assbeating like a man as Yone punts him directly in the throat.  Go flies over the rail and Yone really works really stiff by beating the holy loving fuck out of Go as he is keeled over the rail.  It would suck to wrestle Yone. I think that's the impression every wrestler wants to achieve. THUS Yone is awesome.  Yone has a sweet Legdrop and he makes really great "Can you believe what I'm doing to this douchebag" faces while wrenching Go's face at an impossible angle.  Go finally goes on offense with a Fisherman Suplex and an endless missile dropkick.  Yone leg-lariats to cut off Go and drops the toprope legdrop for two. Yone goes through four minutes of progressively nastier finishers that Go struggles to escape- finally hitting a roll-up and some suplexes to set-up a fucking INSANE looking toprope kneedrop. Go fucks up a moonsault and takes a Backdrop and a few kicks to the teeth and Yone slaughterlizes him with a Musclebuster and that was a quality little wrestling match.  Go will be beaten into your heart like he was beaten into mine.

Naomichi Marufuji/ Mushiking Terry vs SUWA/ Mushiking Joker: Ah sweet SUWA.  And these other three assholes. Children are with Mushiking Terry.  I assume these children learn a far harder and far more important lesson about life when SUWA kicks the fuck out of their idol. This build up is like the Mighty Igor being presented with the cake from the girl scouts just to have Bulldog Brower destroy the cake and shove a cigar in Igor's eye.  The girl scouts cried. Sometimes the children have to cry to learn a lesson about life that Professional Wrestling will supply.  The introductions take forever.  SUWA calls Marifuji an ass pirate or something prematch.  SUWA YELLS AT THE CHILDREN ON THE STAGE!  RRRULE! God, where was SUWA when I was a kid?  All we got was big fat Bulldog Brower.  The masked choades kill time until SUWA comes in.  Terry with a nice armdrag yada yada yada... SUWA finaly tags in and starts punching Terry in the face and children are audibly aghast.  Marifuji has a big light purple explosion on the back of his pants like he lost a raspberry smoothie eating contest in a truly repellent manner. Marifuji and Joker spend time wrestling in the ring.  Marifuji tags out and the masked guys do wrestling moves.  Joker hits a nasty tope and we are still waiting.  SUWA beats on Marifuji a bit at ringside but Marifuji seems to be mailing in the whole affair.  Joker lowblows Terry to SUWA's approval.  SUWA toprope elbow drops onto the children's hero's groin and a stern lesson about life is learned and SUWA really hits it pretty good.  SUWA really fucking rules.  The children chant for the groinularly exploded Terry and we wait for SUWA to tag in.  SUWA Boston Crabs MushiTerry and the children egg him on. Marifuji makes the semi-warm tag and SUWA tries to make Marifuji's comical offense look hurty.  Marifuji and Joker do some lucharesu and we wait.  MushiTerry does a lot of finishers and wins.  SUWA does go after the kids on the stage which is good. Overall, you have fucking SUWA and you have kids and you have the reason the kids are there.  I would expect a "Winter Light" Bergman-esque stern lesson about life.  This was limp and tepid.  A regular "Santa Clause With Muscles" in comparison. BAH! Who will teach the children?  WHO?

Taiji Ishimori vs Ippei Ota: Ah crap, this guy again.  I think I swore in a preceding SEMS review that I would comment on this punk's pants for the entire length of his career.  They are yellow again, like a schoolbus.  Like the taste of Banana Yoo-Hoo. Yellow as the ACE OF SPADES!  By far, yellow wrestling pants.  This will continue for the rest of our lives.   And when last we were discussing Ota, he's was getting the fuck beaten out of him by KENTA.  I have Cheddar Chex and Big K diet cola so I am prepared for the match. They do a bunch fastpaced, low-grade armdraggy things early and you think... to YOURSELF.... "why, this has the feel of an opening match."  Pants boy works the leg and I try to decide whether to save any of these Chex for the children.  We have another bag of "Turtle(?)" Chex Snak Mix unopened.  These can't be good for the youngsters, what with all the sodium and cheez-flavoring.  I would be HELPING with the raising of my younguns by finishing off the cheddar Chex.  I am a loving father.  Ota is selling a whole bunch and getting in little roll-ups.  Pants Inc kicks out of a Spinning bulldog and it sets up Ota's fuckin annoying Airplane Spin.  I feel good that there is a whole new generation of junior heavyweights that I've OPTED to fuckin hate from the ground floor.  And they wrestle right now. They sell the fudge out of some dizziness.  They stumble straight into a thousand You Nearly Pin Me! I Nearly Pin You! and I usually have watch whole careers of guys to develop this much hate.  PANTS WINS! Postmatch, all the bitches hang over the rail to touch banana pants and his magic penis.  I eat some more Cheddar Chex and weep like a bitter old man....

Tamon Honda/ Tsuyoshi Kikuchi vs Takuma Sano/ Mitsuo Momota: Honda and Kikuchi have the BELT!! I put away my snacks. Everybody shakes hands before the match starts.  I didn't see any tongue.  Kikuchi gets backed into the ropes by Mimota and they have a clean break.  Kikuchi backs Mimota into the ropes and KIKUCHI DECIDES THAT DEAN SHOULD BE IN LOVE WITH THIS MATCH by elbowing the fuck out of Ol' man Mimota's face. Kikuchi suckering him into with the handshakes and quieting down of his fans chanting- out of RESPECT!- makes it even sweeter crushing of Mimota's ancient skull.  Mimota gives Kikuchi a taste of the spoiler by chopping him a while, in the corner and tagging in the Marty Jannetty of Japan- Takuma Sano.  Tamon Honda tags in and works the leg.  They do comedy four-way leglocks and think about the Cheddar Chex again.  Sano goes all kicky and leg-breaky on Honda and we are back to "mood: snackless."  Kikuchi makes the save but you only really love Kikuchi when the situation is intense.  This match is kinda the kareoke version of the Great Kikuchi Match- as nobody really leans into anything and there are no really cool little stories being told.  Kikuchi and Sano trade kicks for a while and Kikuchi makes funny faces while selling. And it kinda keeps on going....

Takeshi Rikio/ Mohammed Yone vs Akitoshi Saito/Kishin Kawabata: I am a child.  I STILL giggle inside whenever I read the name Kishin Kawabata.  I am a child.  Rikio.  Lumpy.  Angry. Prolly not a demon with the ladies in his youth.  You feel for him.  I feel for him.  Saito has had consistently awesome hair for ten years now.  You have to appreciate that.  Yone's hair is very large- like Sugarfoot from the Ohio Players except it doesn't hang down over his eye.  Kishin is a WRESTLING BEAST early until Yone spinning kicks him to the head and we kinda kill time until Rikio can start beating the fuck out of Kishin.  Which is immediately.  Gaaaaawwddam, Kishin Kawabata will stand there and let you punch right in the fucking face.  He is a MAN.  Saito tags in and you and I are in awe of the awesomeness of his hair.  Unless he is wrestling Diasuke Ikeda, you can usually gloss right over Saito, but Yone is old BattlARTS so he isn't afraid to engage Saito and try to get him to muster a compelling level of stiffness.  Hey, Rikio really brings out the asskicker in Saito and this match is pickin' up.  They beat the hell out of each other and Saito tags out and the BEATING OF KISHIN KAWABATA BEGINS. They take turns doing really long runs to kick Kishin in the face.  Yone rips and wrenches his head at impossible angles.  Rikio crushes his skull with his own skull.  Kishin escapes and Saito and Rikio kinda lummoxly do all these intricate maneuveures to drive one's knee into another's head.  Yone tags in and is bringing the legdrops before taking a NODAWA like a fucking KING.  Yeah, this isn't the greatest match in the history of wrestling, but Saito slightly motivated is a really fun wrestler and Saito motivated is a perfect opponent for Tagteam Rikio- as Saito and Rikio's nonpretty, Visigothic offense play off each other well.  Yone kills Kishin with a lariat in the corner and we start the nearfalls and saves.  Kishin with a realy nice powerslam for two, Yone with the lariat for two, Yone with the Muscle Buster for THREE.  Yeah, there you go. You won't hate yourself for watching it.  But you don't hate yourself for watching all those episodes of FULL HOUSE.  That doesn't mean you should go out and actively seek this match out.

Mitsuharu Misawa/ Yoshinari Ogawa/ Mushiking Terry vs Akira Taue/ Kentaro Shiga/ Mushiking Joker: Ah crap.  Well, at least this has Taue in it. Actually, I'm just being a hipster dick.  The Mushis do really cool armdrags and fuck only knows that I love a graceful armdrag.  So there.  Misawa looks to be one thousand.  The guys who got better publicity have all been lapped by Forever Young Akira Taue.  Mushii do the Angel Azteca armdrag and thing they do every match really early to allow time for Ogawa to mold an actual match around Joker.  The story of the match being "I am Ogawa and I can punch you in the face" and that truly is the finest of all wrestling stories.  Ahhh Shiga, it seems like just yesterday that you were a 120 pound afterthought of a wrestler.  Now you have a moustache.   Misawa and Shiga wrestle for a bit and it leads to anoying comedy spots- as Misawa may have been in 5 of the top 10 matches of all time, that doesn't mean he is the new Elaine Boozler.  Taue and Misawa start wrestling and Taue does a few comedy spots with the referee- and Akira Taue may have been the most underrated heavyweight of the last fifty years, but he was never a threat to take Micheal McDonald's place on MAD TV.  Though his attempt at kipping up is better than the last seven seasons of Saturday night Live.  And he then backdrop drives that annoying little Mushiking Terry.  Akira Taue is a beacon of good in a world gone wrong.  God, despite all this writing about this match, I'm really not getting across what a heatless, hateless time-filler of a match this is.  The return of the pointless NOAH six-man is now duly noted.  I don't like wrestling where you can tell that everybody involved goes out and has a beer together after the match.  The point of the Professional Wrestling is that you create the illussion that if the participants in the match ran into each other at a bar, they would try to jam broken beer bottles into the other's eye.  And this doesn't meet even the most minimum of standards. P'shaw.  Ogawa does beat the shit out of Mushiking Joker for a minute which made me want to see him beat on the Mushi for a while longer but too little too late. Shiga has a NICE sequence with Ogawa near the end- and the whole last two minutes was pretty neato- but yeah, you can live your whole life without seeing this.

Takeshi Morishima vs Masao Inoue:  I keep hearing about the wild resurgence by Inoue.  Morishima is universally acclaimed and beloved.  So this should Intergalactic Match Of The Year- STARDATE 2006, right?  We'll see. Inoue is physically the Japanese Savio Vega.  Morishima is bulky and would look right at home in a 4X flannel shirt.  He shouldblocks early and Inoue seeks the shelter of the floor- as they establish the psychology of the match- which "WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING THE RING THIS HIGH IN THE CARD AND WITH TAKESHI MORISHIMA?!?!?"  It's a fun story.  Morishima beats the dogshit out of him and Inoue makes these flabbergasted expressions. Inoue is DEEPLY in league with the Gambler when it comes to offense and this truly is the highest profile WCW PRO match ever. So this is good and fun like a PRO match.  Morishima will maul you and I'm not made of wood- I love a good mauling.  Inoue sells a batch of stomping like Eddie Jackie and hits the floor and one does truly understand the sublime beauty of this match. Morishima rolls his ass on top of Inoue a couple times and we all wondered- and you know we did- if Morishima would actually whip his dick and pee on Inoue at some point. I love the "Oh GOD, make it STOP" expression that Inoue keeps on his face as he hides under the ropes or rolls to the floor.  Inoue's comebacks are MICROSECONDS long before he is cut off and he has one hilariously inept section on offense.   Morishima does the Missile Dropkick and the Lou Thesz Press and you can tell that he is in whole new world of just trying shit for kicks.  I love the Mighty Wilbur Assdrop out of a roll-up attempt by Inoue.  Morshima wins with a fruity roll-up.  Okay, I can honestly declare that that wasn't the Intergalactic Match Of The Year- STARDATE: 2006.

Naomichi Marufuji/ KENTA vs Jun Akiyama/ Atsushi Aoki: NOAH is realy random. Million dollar junior tagteam versus GHC Champion and junior heavyweight rookie.  Is this NOAH BattleBowl and nobody hipped me to it?  I'm an old man.  It's not nice to toy with my fragile mind. Anyhoos. Marifuji and Akiyama TAKE IT TO THE MAT! and Marifuji is neato making Akiyama miss with his heavyweight offence but at the end of the day, you gotta wonder what the point of this match is.  I mean, it just seems like a NWA tv tag match where Aoki is there to get pinned.  But it's early.  KENTA kicks Akiyama a whole bunch and I am roused from my slumber.  Akiyama tortures Marifuji's shoulder and that's perfectly fine.  KENTA making the save with the kick to the back makes for good foreshadowing- as you and I would enjoy Akiyama and KENTA going at it.  Aoki and Marifuji pummel each other until Aoki goes to the floor where KENTA is ELECTRIC kicking the fuck out of him.  KENTA is really the only one bringing the intensity to the proceedings and don't think I don't appreciate it.  They really give young Aoki the business in the corner and the match goes all Southern tagteam- as the rookie is taking a beating and the most superior force is sitting on the apron, waiting.  KENTA drops fuckin BEAUTIFUL elbow drops.  Aoki makes the hot tag after reversing a suplex with a suplex and Akiyama kills the little fellas.  KENTA brings the real offense against Akiyama and gets his team back on offense for a moment.  Akiyama tags out for some reason and Aoki gets in a flurry of lowgrade offense before KENTA procures the Boston Crab and the Fisherman Buster for two. Aoki gets in a last ditch kick to the head that allows Akiyama to Exploider to set up Aoki's Northern Lights for two.  He sinks in a nasty looking Triangle Choke Type Thing until KENTA hits the ropes.  Aoki goes up top and KENTA does the AMAZINGLY NASTY LOOKING jumping kick directly to the face to set up the Superplex from the top.  KENTA with two kick and the GO TO SLEEP-AH! and the finest NWA Worldwide tag match of 2006 comes to an end.  Hey, the rookie got PINNED!!! WOW! Perfectly fine though I would assume that folks who paid money to see this live were kinda wondering what the fucking deal was.

Takashi Sugiura/ Yoshinobu Kanemaru vs Ikuto Hidaka/ Minoru Fujita: For the GHC Junior tag titles. I love Kanemaru and I remember when Hidaka was BattlARTS whipping boy so it's nice they are headlining a NOAH card.  This has more intensity in the first two minutes than the rest this card combined.  Sugiura with the swanky brainbuster and we're off to the races. Hidaka tries to break a wristlock by punching Sugiura in the face and I'm loving this match.  Fujita works Sugiura's knee and Sugiura is not very deep in his selling.  He is very deep in taking and giving a bunch forearms to the head.  Hidaka and Fujita use preposterous double team moves on Sugiura- the climax being the comical bottom rope Hotshot- Spin Kick from the floor combo.  They work Sugiura's arm over- really giving it the business until Sugiura fucking KILLS Hidaka by slamming him to the mat allowing Kanemura to enter- Eddy-like- with the in-ring Senton and the elbow across the neck before being driven into the corner where Fujita stands on his face and bootscrapes it.  The elbows are ROLLING and Hidaka flies into the rail.  Sugiura busts brains and kicks Fujita in the chest really hard.  A LOT.  Fujita elbows in giant flurries to allow the Japan indie Rock and Roll Express of the late 90s to hit a Rock and roll Express Double Dropkick. This is a good little match.  Kanemaru fuckin MAULS Hidaka over the rail- jumping up and droping down with both feet across his head.  Sugiuri beats the living dogpiss out of Hidaka in the corner and then Kanemaru beats the living dogpiss out of Hidaka in the middle of the ring and then sinks in the Camel Clutch.  Hidaka tries to punch his way back into the match but Kanemaru explodes his groin with manly painful kicks.  They spindle Hidaka's ankle and you realize that the double dropkick signalled the beginning of the Southernness of the tag match.  Fujita and Kanemaru have at it on the outside, with Fujita crimping Kanemaru's knee and allowing Hidaka to go on a very non-Southern batch of offense in the middle of what would be his heat segment.  Fujita continues to splinter Kanemaru's knee and this is now the Rock and Roll Express versus the slightly evil Rock and Roll Express.  Which makes this very much outside of Sothern style tag wrestling and back in the realm of traditional PURORESU-style tag wrestling. Kanemaru tries to CHOP to SAFETY but Hidaka rolls into a SHAWN CAPTURE~! SHAWN CAPTURE~! until Kanemaru hits the ropes.  Kanemaru does the FUCKING BRILLIANT limping into the corner, jumping on his good leg to get out of the way and selling the knee as it gave out while belly-to-back suplexing Hidaka and making the hot tag.  Kanemaru fucking rocks.   Sugiura spears, knees and lariats Hidaka before succumbing to the DDT and making his own hot tag.  Fujita is too fast for Sugiura and gets a two count on a Tombstone.  Sugiura catches Fujita in the middle of a toprope Frankensteiner attempt and Powerbombs the living breathing peeing fuck out of Fujita. Sugiura can't make a cover and tags out and Kanemaru hits a BEAUTIFUL Frogsplash for two.  They do a note for note cover of the Malenko-Guerrerro roll-up sequence hit from 1995 to lead up to Kanemaru hitting a fucking GNARLEY Toprope DDT.  Fujita is fucking KING-SIZE at eating Kanemaru's offense.  HiFuji does a really elaborate preposterous double team before Sugiura comes in and fucking completely kills Hidaka with suplexes.  The finish is all elaborate until Kanemaru slaughters Hidaka with DDT variations and they all just kinda hit every finisher available.  Hidaka goes for the Final Shawn Capture for the win and Kanemaru is fucking KINGSIZED countering out first and then selling it like a motherfucker when Hidaka finally rolls into it.  Kanemaru is motherfucking BOSS. The Sugiura Toprope Belly To Belly of Kanemaru onto Hidaka to set up the Fujita save to set up The Spinning Brainbuster by Kanemaru for the win was beautiful.  This match had way more finishers than I would usually ever like but this match was fucking awesome.  Rest of this card, not so much. Main event- SOLID fuckin GOLD.
 
 

I did these originally as Singles Going Steady but Kevin uploaded so many that it kinda crosses over into a NETHER REGION between SGS and regular reviews so these may not have been reviewed in order. So love on it.

@#@#@#@#@#@#@ Koji Kanemoto vs Yuji Nagata- G-1 CLIMAX- NEW JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- 8/12/2006: (From the beloved matches board.  God bless Kevin.)  I have loved both of these men.  I have understood the limitations of both of these men.  I usually overlook the limitations of both of these men because they kick the living fuck out of folks or at least bleed a whole lot.  God, Koji Kanemoto is aging quickly- did he start smoking three packs a day or something?  Maybe it's the women and the whiskey.  That will not let him pray...  They feign an interest in matwork in the beginning so we all wait and wait for the two fellas to start kicking each other really hard.  FUCK, 38:45 it says by the little file number.  There is no way I can luck into a 26 minute Kaz Hayashi match and 30 minute Koji Kanemoto match in 2006 and they both be good.  Or can I?  I don't like my odds.  They do a test of strength and Koji wins the knucklelock and all I can think of is that they are trying to fill 30 minutes.  And that's when they decide to start with the kicking.   Ten minutes in and Nagata is working a few half-hearted arm submissions and Koji isn't the guy who can sell it like you would want but doesn't feel like ten minutes so I'm neutral on this match as they draw ME IN by kicking the fuck out of each other at the 11 minute point.  Koji leans waaaaaay into Nagata's forearms and Nagata looks happy to stomp the little fucker in the corner.  Koji fires back with some forearms of his own but Nagata cuts him off and does running standing bootscrape in the corner and they take it to the floor and Koji bumps big over the rail as Nagata runs in with the straight kick to the face.  Koji Kanemoto working the 1-2-3 Kid gimmick in a match is odd.  He makes the ring at 18 and the crowd is behind this oldest most dickish Mulkey.  Nagata knees the holy fuck out of Kanemoto and Kanemoto sells it like a 19 year old Dustin Rhodes being beaten to death by Ted DiBiase. They trade kicks and Koji Dragonscrews to offense and he is FIRED UP?  Okay, this is more like Koji Kanemoto is your crazy drunk uncle and Nagata is your cousin who is trying to get him out of your aunt's house.  And your cousin is sober and took a lot of karate as a kid.  Nagata capture suplexes Uncle Koji on the floor and this truly is an assbeating.  I'm pissed off that I know this will be ending in twenty minutes.  I could watch this all night.  Koji is kicking out of giant kicks to the ribs and has a look of beaten defiance.  Exploider for two and Koji is dead.  When the fuck did Koji Kanemoto learn to sell?  I buy his comebacks and I buy his selling of the assbeating.  Nagata starts spindling the arm and Koji Kanemoto is carrying this fucking match by selling it like it's an actual submission.  And the crowd is digging the haggard Kanemoto's spunk.  Kanemoto makes the ropes and collapses into the  corner Nagata kills him with knees to the stomach.  Kanemoto shining wizards to offense and the face-scraping and  sentons begin.  Koji goes up top again and catches him and Exploiders him off the top.  Koji tries to no-sell but Nagata crushes his face with his knee and gets two.  Kanamoto is awesome fighting for the ropes to fight out of the suplex only to succumb. God, 25 minutes in and I truly have lucked out with this and the Kaz match.  I'll have to raise my pre-conceived wariness to 45 minutes for Juniors.  Kanemoto hits a running shining wizard and the crowd FREAKS when Koji slaps on the ankle lock.  Nagata is FUCKED! But makes the ropes. They have duelling Ankle Lock reversals and Nagata sinks in the Rings Of Saturn Nagata Lock but Koji makes the ropes.  They trade reversals out of submissions and it is making this a fun fun match.  Koji decides to just start kicking the fuck out of Nagata to set up his moonsault and this is fucking so much better than it should ever have any right to be.  At the 30 minute mark they are starting to kick out of finishers.  Nagata fucking SLAUGHTERS Kanemoto with a Backdrop Driver but doesn't go for the pin- opting for two brainbusters before getting the two count.  Koji is dead on his feet but gets in two desperation Small Packages. They go back to punching each other in the face and Nagata knees Koji in the face for two and sinks in the Crippler Crossface.  Koji rolls out and sinks in an Ankle Lock but Nagata makes the ropes.  Another Moonsault for two and they kick each other as Nagata goes for the Cross Arm-breaker and... THE BELL!  THEY GO BROADWAY?!?!  AWESOME!  They didn't really start lapping themselves until the 30 minute mark (which I guess was the 26 minute mark in the match.)  Yeah, this was fucking great.  If they could have gone broadway at the 25 minute mark, this would have been fucking REALLY great.  Quality wrestling.  Koji Kanemoto is fucking awesome.

%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^ Giant Bernard vs Manabu Nakanishi- NEW JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- G-1 CLIMAX!- 8/10/2006: Kevin posted this on the matches board and we love him for THAT. I always enjoyed the homoerotic wrestling stylings of the A-Train and have somehow not seen his Japanese matches. I figure starting with the Manabu Nakanishi match is a GREAT place to start. Ah, the G-1.... Jesus Christ, A-Train has amazingly hurty looking tribal tattoos across his cycled-down pecs. Creepy. He still has the babyhead too. Truly great and creepy. Manabu looks very stern. I think he's mad that Bernard is wearing puka beads. "Hey fucker, what's up with the fuckin PUKA BEADS? Fucker..." Clean break early and this whole thing is unsettling. I await redneck Manabu to say, "Hey feggit, whychoo suck this dick." Bernard is thrown off his game by a Manabu bodyslam and this is all methodical and Japanese heavyweight. They have a heavyweight knucklelock and Manabu loses but fights back. And then loses again. And fights back and WINS! only to be kicked in the stomach. They trade lariats and don't sell any of it. It's like 1996 Scott Norton against 1998 Scott Norton! Bernard's crossfaces should look far more hellish though his punches are nice. Bernard works on Manabu's back with these perfectly fine elbow drops to set up the BODY VICE~! Manabu sells it really well with these frog faces. "Hey feggit! Leggo a me er I'll shoot a tadpole out mah ass atchoo!" This match is pretty pedestrian by wrestling standards but pretty cathartic when you think about Bernard as high school homosexual being accosted by latent redneck asshole Manabu Nakanishi. They punch each other in the face at 13 minutes and Manabu's offense is just goofy with the double axe-handle Polish Hammer. The finish is an assortment of odd power finishers- Argentine Backbreaker, Shotgun Lariat, Full Frontal Chokeslam- all leading up to Manabu winning with a German Suplex with a bridge. Manabu gets into his Chevelle and picks up his girl. They drink a half gallon of Country Kwencher and he forces her to do that thing that he always wants her to do but she doesn't like to do. He pretends she is Bernard and then vomits on her back and he runs out of the backseat and cries. Well, that's what should have happened postmatch. If it was supposed to be as cathartic as I want it to be. Perfectly fine heavyweight wrestling.

$%$%$%$%$%$% Togi Makabe vs Koji Kanemoto- NEW JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- G-1 CLIMAX!- 8/10/2006: God, Kanemoto looks like he was created by Raymond Chandler. I haven't seen Makabe in a while. He is approaching a Bobbly Lashley-level liver disorder, one would assume. His hair is dyed blond. He is all youth and adremaline and pointless aggression. Koji Kanemoto has this new look of fear in his eyes that has taken him past his own dickish past to this far deeper psychology to his matches. Kanemoto lays on the ground hurt, unable to run the ropes, covering up as Makabe stomps him and drags him into the corner and punches him in the stomach. He tries to fight back but is thrown to the floor where he he is knocked over the rail. Koji Kanemoto as sympathetic figure is truly awe-inspiring. He sells DEATH on the floor like fuckin Kikuchi- which is where I'm assuming Kanemoto was inspired to sell like this. Makabe is effective in his role of bringing the sheer assbeat for Kanemoto to sell. Koji gasps for air and crawls on the mat and winces in pain before going to offense with a kick to the face and running Belly to Belly suplex. Makabe cuts him off and gets a two count with a German and then powerslams Kanemoto before sinking in a half crab. Kanemoto is fucking Ricky Morton now. When the FUCK did this happen? It's awesome. Makabe is fuckin NASTY with the punches to the stomach and Koji makes them look like hell on earth. Kanemoto's bootscrapes are melancholy and desperate. His kicks to Makabe's chest after he no-sells Kanemoto's moonsault are desperate. Koji tries to stand in the middle of the ring and trade blows with Makabe but he's too old and broken and Makabe is too young and vicious. Kanemoto is old and wiley though and snakes in an ankle lock. Kanemoto's expression of frustration upon Makabe hitting the ropes is fucking BEAUTIFUL. Makabe hits a spear after Kanemoto can't fight the pain of his knee when he lands on his feet after missing a moonsault crumpling to the mat in agony- the things he used to be able to do killing him now in the face of youth and power. Kanemoto is fucking awesome. Kanemoto gets the flash pin with a spin kick into a Falcon Arrow and Makabe CRUSHES Kanemoto with a lariat to get the pin that has already gone to Kanemoto- as the idea of losing to the broken old man is unthinkable. Makabe beats the shit out of the ref and storms out of the ring. Kanemoto is almost in tears as he gets to his feet. Kanemoto fucking RULES.

^&^&^&^&^&^&^& Hiroshi Tanahashi vs Satoshi Kojima- G-1 CLIMAX- NEW JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- 8/10/06:
The IWGP belt looks like the Million Dollar Belt now.  I don't know if that's cool or not.  Kojima has Frank Stella-inspired pants.  Fuck, this goes a while. 25ish?  That's a lot of lariats and crappy SWING BLADE~! lariats but you gotta download and watch the G-1 matches because it is the Professional Wrestling and the Professional Wrestling is all fun or life-affirming or something or another cool when done right.  I don't know if should be trussin' these two though.  We'll find out in 24 minutes if I need to try to get my hands on the throat of the man with the whip.  They knucklelock and Kojima is thicker and more powerful.  Tanahashi is built almost exactly like Rick Rude.  He should tell all those fat, smelly, beer-drinking slobs in Tokyo to get away from the TV screen and let your wives and girlfriends get a look a REAL sexy man.  If he would have come to the ring with Kojima's girlfriend's face painted on the Dick Region of his pants, think of how fucking awesome that have been.  They chop each other a whole whole lot and it's all quite the Ode To The Kobashi-Sasaki Match I crapped upon way back when.  They switch to forearms and Kojima bails from the ring.  Kojima re-enters and they do the chopping again but then they trade comically Brian Lee-esque Elbow drops.  This is very New Japan- in that the psychology isn't novel-length, but I don't really dig the lack of true hate and stiffness.  New Japan should be a fucking bear mauling.  All Japan is like being eaten by a snake.  This match is kinda like being barked at by a chihuahua- eventhough Tanahashi leans WAAAAAAY the fuck into a FACEBUSTUH~! on the apron.  They have a very spirited fight for Suplex over the ropes and Kojima does Locomotion DDTs- which just makes me think that Kojima is 1/3rd the deadly wrestler Jake The Snake Roberts is.  Toprope Elbow for two and I wonder if they will do 10 minutes of finishers.  EN LIEU, Kojima no-sells a German and botches a Powerbomb? A hotshot? GUH.  Tanahashi with the Dragon Sleeper and Kojima sells it like Rob Van Dam selling the Crippler Crossface.  And you want to smack him in the head.  Kojima ACE-CRUSHES out of Sleeper attempt and we got 10 minutes left.  Nice brainbuster and I think the ten minutes of finishers begins.  I'll list them:
Northern Lights Bomb for two.
Locomotion German Suplex for two.
SWING BLADE! no-sold!
Kojima Lariat... AH!  They fuck up my list by laying there and selling the duelling lariats.  Oh well.  Back to the forearms and Kojima pulverizes Tanahashi to set up the toprope Frankensteiner that's .... NO-SOLD?  FINALLY!  A reason to legitimately despise this match.  Thank you match.  There are Shining Wizards and Dragon Suplexes for two counts.  There are lariats.  There are lots of nearfalls.  Goodbye, little match.  You are not very good.

#$#$#$#$#$#$ Toghi Makabe vs Hiroshi Tenzan- G-1 CLIMAX NEW JAPAN PRO WRESTLING 8/12/2006: Oh shit. Maybe this won't be Lex Luger versus Lex Luger in the FINAL BATTLEHALL of who can be the most dominant Lex Luger!  Maybe.  Makabe does smack Tenzan really hard early.  They try to see who is master of the shoulderblock and they trade chops until Tenzan says, "HOW BOUT DESE MONGOLIAHHN CHOPS, MUTHAH FUKER!?!?!" and he does some headbutts.  Now I can't help but think that Makabe sells Tenzan's headbutts exactly how Lex Luger sold everything- a loud exhale and a constipated look.  Makabe with the SPEAR! and they take it to the floor.  Tenzan ISN'T Playboy Buddy Rose when going into the ringpost, though Makabe nails him with a chair before hitting a perfectly adequate Snap Suplex on the floor.  Makabe stomps on Tenzan a little and half-heartedly tries wrenching Tenzan's head around a bit and there is more stomping and listless Mongolian Chopping and JESUS, this IS Lex Luger versus Lex Luger but it's Lex Luger versus Lex Luger at a house show.  In the opening match.  After Lex and Lex went out drinking with Barry Windham the night before.  Ewwww.  This sucked.  The finish was okay, as Makabe hits some nice stuff including an actual lariat and he also makes Tenzan's chops look less hideously shitty than they usually look. Tenzan is sooo poopy.

*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&* JYUSHIN "THUNDER" LYGER vs GIANT BERNARD- NEW JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- G-1 CLIMAX: Lyger has the black Evil Mask.  Monstahhhh Giant Bernnnnaaaahdooo has the Evil Babyhead.  This IS Japan so this isn't A-train selling all of Rey Rey's offense on Smackdown- and I wonder if they actually had to sit Giant Bernard down after this match and talk to him because Bernard bumps like a fucking FREAK for a guy 1/10th his size.  His fit by the rail is SOLID GOLD.  Lyger wants a knucklelock and Lyger knees him right in the Prince Albert and this match is cool- as Lyger uses speed and guile to do a cool mutation of the generic New Japan heavywight match.  The droptoe hold after challenging Albernard to the New Japan Shoulderblock Challenge is inspired.  Fuck.  Maybe this IS A-Train selling for Rey Rey on Smackdown.  Lyger kinda whups up on him the first ten minutes, which culminates in Bernard rolling quite spritely into La Majistral.  And then Bernard kills him with the Choking Falldown Slam Thing. Giant Bernard fucking rules and I get the feeling that he must be a big fan of Lyger's to sell for him so much.  Lyger tells him to go fuck himself when Bernard tries to shakes his hand.  That's awesome.

!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@ Satoshi Kojima vs Manabu Nakanishi- G-1 CLIMAX NEW JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- 8/12/06: Oh Jesus. You gotta watch'em all.  You never know.  Diamond in the rough.  Miracle Match.  IT COULD HAPPEN!  Shit.  This is fucking 30 minutes? Oh Jesus.  I'll have to come back to this one.

$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$% Giant Bernard vs. Hiroyoshi Tenzan- NEW JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- G1 CLIMAX- 8/13/06: Babyhead- check. Mongolian Chops- check. We're ready for the semi-final XXX throwdown. The G-1 is breathing hard and thinking about baseball and it's fixing to climax. I can only hope that Bernard beats the shit out of Tenzan as severely as he sold for Lyger. If he does, young A-Train will reach a lofty stratosphere of love from the DVDVR camp. Not that I hate Tenzan or anything, it's just that he doesn't really have a match worth a crap unless someone is beating the living fuck out of him. Bernard seems to be playing off the Lyger match- as he is all respecting of Tenzan but Tenzan isn't fast and wiley as Lyger and loses the Great New Japan Shoulderblock Challenge-O! Tenzan rolls to the floor and A-Train wants to throw him through the rail, but Tenzan gets in the ring and tries to get the drop on A-Train-o but Bernard big boots him to start off a fabulous batch of the stomping of the ass of Tenzan. Bernard kicks his head off the apron and we weep at the beauty of Giant Bernardo. Bernard crushes Tenzan's back to the ringpost. This is the ass-beating that this match needed. I think I love Giant Bernard. Tenzan throws actual punches before being quickly being cut off with a completely dickish back of the head Boomerangy Lariat. Tenzan sells the BODY VICE~! by looking like he is fixing to cry. Yeah, Bernard is the carrier of stiffs. He is definately right behind Koji Kanemoto in the MVP voting for this version of the esteemed New Japan annual tourney. Tenzan rakes the eyes to TRANSITION~! to offense and Bernard is game to leaning into whatever Tenzan can throw at him- not that Tenzan's offence is gonna make you forget Diasuke Ikeda or anything. Bernard answering the preposterous Mongolian Chops with the Abdullah the Butcher's Five Fingers Of Death was nice. Tenzan kicks out of the Bernard Choking Falling ChokeslamBomb but Bernard fuckin SLAUGHTERS him with a charge into the corner. Tenzan fights out of the Superplex and hits a Moonsault for two into his upsidedown Cobra Clutch FOR THE WIN! Best Tenzan match I've seen in years. Which makes it perfectly acceptable wrestling. All because of the coolness of Giant Bernard. Bernard fucking rules.

TO BE CONTINUED.

#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$ Ippei Ota/ Yoshinari Ogawa vs Akira Taue/ Katsuhiko Nakajima- PRO WRESTLING NOAH- 7/16/2006- [DEAN RASMUSSEN]: I can't figure out where I got this- Lenny, Kevins, Ditch, Sprewell rimzz- so I apologize for my ijicy. I've been downloading the Professional Wrestling like a complete freak lately. Tim Noel has been hooking with all the 70s and 80s wrestling and that comes off Schneider sending all the 80s stuff from his endeavor and I've been giving the SHORTSHRIFT~! to the modern Professional Wrestling.... THEN I watched a batch of 1995 WCW with JT and SatanPro a few weeks back and it got me thinking that one should ALWAYS stay in the now. If folks had thrown in the towel on wrestling after Hogan signed the WCW, think of all the amazing Pro Wrestling you would have missed. So fuck it. I'm downloading EVERYTHING and watching EVERYTHING and reviewing EVERYTHING. I'm 40. I've been married 13 years. I have 4 kids. My house is paid for. I need something dorktastic to keep me out of trouble or crawling into a bottle so WRESTLING- YOU ARE THE ONE! Anyway, I don't know if there is any special significance of this match- other than the fact that Nakajima will get to pound the fuck out of Ota and we get to watch. Aaaaand that's about all I need to feign interest so let's crank up the wrestling watching machine on the computer! THIS IS THE MODERN WORLD THAT I READ ABOUT! Nakajima is spunky entering the ring. The great Akira Taue is morbidly stoic the way I DEMAND that he be. Ogawa still looks like he should driving the schoolbus on the Simpsons. Ota in this wmv file matches the face of the guy in the profile on Stuart's NOAH site so I know I am WELL GROUNDED for the wresting match at hand! WORD! This starts well as Nakajima kicks Ota dead in the fucking THROAT! Ota responds with a perfectly fine dropkick. Oh this is gonna rule. Nakajima mauls Ota into the corner and tags in Taue. Taue would not be into selling for a guy half his age and half his size but Taue has these really great facial expressions that get over that "This Ota is hurting my chest a lot more than I thought he would". Taue's psychology is deeper than the Mariannas Trench and Ota couldn't have a better friend in the ring. Ogawa tags in and he and Taue work together like they've wrestled each other for 20 years but it all leads to Ota and Taue getting back together and the great spot of Taue finally being irritated enough with Ota's chops to throw him on the ground and chop Ota in the chest like Ota is the bully from A CHRISTMAS STORY and Akira Taue is the oldest possible Ralphie. Ota does lots of matwork with Nakajima and I'm feeling a special relationship here because it would do Nakajima well to have a basic, sound wrestler to fill in the spaces between kicks to the throat. Ota and Ogawa make a really cool 80s Southern heel team- as they tear up Nakajima's knee while not using a single move that Ole Anderson would question- including Ogawa's straight punches to the face. Ota the brand new asshole Nouvelle Randy Rose is what this world needs and he wraps Nakajima's knee around the ringpost like he's been to the dance before. Nakajima, MEANWHILE, is selling the assbeating like a nouvelle Ricky Steamboat and Ogawa punching him in the face will bring tears to the eyes of the true wrestling fan. Nakajima hits a dropkick to make the hot tag and Taue is Historical Landmark Afire! Taue slaps Ota around a little and tags in Nakajima and the crowd is TORQUED for Nakajima to beat the shit out of Ota. He crushes Ota with the Toprope SUWA Dropkick for two and then Ota goes into his finisher mode- including his annoying Airplane Spin. Ota goes up top but his Airplane Spin doesn't affect Nakajima as he does spectacular jumping spinning backheel crescent kick to the top and hits the swanky German suplex for two. Ogawa makes the save but Ota succumbs to the second German and that finishes off a good little wrestling match. Ota/Ogawa could be PREPOSTEROUSLY fun as a tag team.

#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$# DENNIS CONDREY V LASH LEROUX- Wrestle Brimingham- [Golden Terror Mailman]: So, Leroux has eaten well since entering wrestling obscurity. In a match with a 55 year old man, it is both telling and sad that he is in the worst condition. This is a kick/punch competitive squash -- there was never a real sense that Leroux could/should go over, which is testament to how much of a Legacy WCWSN really left. The match? Would've made What Worked, with qualifications, even before the post-match BRAWL happened [when a promoing Condrey was attacked by Lee Thomas, with whom he has been feuding for about a year over the Loverboy gimmick.] The Loverboys BRAWL FOR ALL outside the ring, and Condrey cracks Thomas' head open like the veritable English muffin. Good stuff, but a bit tepid somehow. Afterwards, Condrey cuts a promo in the backroom of the Zamora temple or whatever, in front of an American flag. He flubs his lines, but recovers, sorta, closing with 'Dang Lee Thomas, boy, shut up, give me back my Rascal Flatttttttz CD, I'm MAD AT YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU'. --

!@!@!@!@!@!@!@ Jun Akiyama/ Genichiro Tenryu/ Go Shiozaki vs Takeshi Rikio/ Mohammed Yone/ KENTA- PRO WRESTLING NOAH- 5/17/2005- [DEAN RASMUSSEN]: I've been downloading everything I can get my hands on for obvious reasons- I love professional wrestling, and I especially like Japanese Professional Wrestling (as do you, one would assume, or you are a person who really has too much free time at work since you are reading this).  I tried to get everything from 2006 I could find but I found this line-up too interesting to walk past as I perused young Ditch's secret site. Rikio will look exactly like Tenryu in fifteen years so it's like GOLDEN AGE BATMAN! versus the BLACK KNIGHT BATMAN!  Except it's reallife and Neal Adams could never draw skin as crappy as Tenryu's.  Yone's hair is fabulous.  KENTA's hate for Tenryu is fabulouser.  Tenryu makes the greatest "OOOH FUCK YOU" face in wrestling. All wrestling is just an excuse for Tenryu and KENTA to punch each other in the face.  It's fun!  Go Shiozaki takes a big assbeating from Yone before dishing out a big assbeating to Yone.  The symmetry of the match is heartwarming.  KENTA is tagged in early against Tenryu and the hate is FUCKING AWESOME.  Tenryu tags out to Akiyama and you really are waiting around for Tenryu and KENTA to hook back up- though Rikio makes the time go by faster by smacking Tenryu in the face a whole bunch.  Go Shiozaki does a Guy In Peril section and I tend to drift off to the Baltimore Stallions versus the Memphis Maddogs game from 1995 that I have running on the TV.  Tenryu throwing a fuckin table at KENTA and beating the shit out of KENTA ringside draws me away from the Tracy Ham/Damon Allen showdown at Memorial stadium.  Go and KENTA wrestle and I drift off to the local Maryland ads from 11 years ago on Home Team Sports before it became Comcast Sportsnet.  Tenryu tags in and Tenryu just punches KENTA DEAD IN THE FACE.  Shoizaki tags in and I watch a young Al Shipman run the ball and wonder how long he was in Arena before the Pharoahs folded.  Go gets KENTA in a submission and marvel at how young Don Matthews looked in 1996- as he now looks like biggest sports asshole on earth now, as opposed to a guy who one day would look like the world's biggest sports asshole.  Yone and Rikio double team Akiyama and I watch Elfrid SWACK Payton and remember CFL Baltimore/Montreal teams of yore.  Oh man, I had forgotten that Alvin Walton played for the Stallions after winding down his Redskin Superbowl years.  20 minutes in and I patiently wait for the Tenryu/KENTA shitstorm of ass-stomping to kick in. The beat on Shiozaki for a while and Rickie Foggie comes in for an injured Damon Allen.  KENTA is working over Go and runs to the other corner and fucking KILLS Tenryu with a kick to the face and it makes the beating of Go go smoother.  yone beats the hell out of Go and taunts Tenryu and Rikio mauls Go for a while.  Tenryu tags in and murdalized Rikio to set up the part you wanna see.  Rikio lariats to TRANSITION~! and makes the hot tag to KENTA and they opt to BEAT THE FUCK out of each other.  For a minute. Tenryu tags out and Jun Akiyama makes a cameo.  I watch Skinny Culver catch one for 8 yards and remember reading that Skinny is STILL playing in the Arena League.  I'm assuming it's on one of the non-Bon Jovi/Elway teams that play on stations not available on my basic cable.  Shiozaki does a rolling cradle and I take a moment from drifting off to note that Go Shiozaki can suck my cock for doing a Rolling Cradle.  KENTA and Tenryu brawl a bit at ringside and it brings back from remember the career of Chris Armstrong.  Yone hits a Musclebuster and that's that.  Perfectly fine match, I guess.  Not NEARLY enough KENTA/Tenryu.  I would have some secondary obsession (anime, Britcoms, maybe your Sailor Moon DVD Deluxe Edition, you pathetic fuck) playing to side for the 17 minutes of filler between the hate.  Postmatch is filled unsportsmanlike ugliness~!

#$#$#$#$#$#$ Jyushin "Thunder" Lyger/ Chris Benoit vs The Steiner Brothers- NEW JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- 1993- [DEAN RASMUSSEN]: Someone posted this on matches board and I was too curious to put off watching it.  I'm sure I've seen this before but I'm guessing that it was 10 years ago that I saw it.   The key to this match is Benoit taking a PREPOSTEROUS batch of hellish suplexes but even more key is Scott Steiner bumping like a complete psychotic cretin. Rick Steiner is a dick to little juniorheavyweight style Lyger and Lyger sells Steiner offence like a little junior heavyweight bitch, but the Steiners are both pretty magnanimous in their full frontal selling of the junior tag offense.  It makes me wonder why they didn't have Benoit and either Steiner have a substantial fued when Benoit had ascended to the point of carrying either Steiner after each Steiner had completely fallen off and were killing time in the WCW.  God knows Benoit owes a giant stylistic debt to Scott Steiner and God knows that they work together really well in this match- as Benoit lands straight on his neck quite a few times and then actually SELLS landing on his neck.  Rick and Benoit on the mat is pretty fun and you could see the missed opportunity there for the late 90s WCW.  Actually, the first deathdrop is Rick German Suplexing Benoit and Benoit selling it like it looked.  They do goofy stereo spots of powerslams and Frankensteiners and it leads to Scott and Benoit have a cool sequence together where Benoit counters all of Scott's moves and sets up Scott taking the first of two Superplexes. Steiners Lariat-to-German to TRANSITION~! and Benoit accepts a manly ass-beating.  You forget how truly nasty the Steiners offense was in their prime.  The second rope fallaway slam was especially nasty.  Rick punching Lyger in the face on the apron was even nastier.  So Lyger was always the greatest guy on earth on the apron, it seems.  He gets the crowd all worked up and the hot tag is actually all heated and Scott takes a SECOND superplex and takes the double diving headbutt and takes the fucking GNARLEY Lyger bomb after Lyger reverses a toprope suplex.  Steiner then fucking MURDERS Lyger with a Steiner Squaredriver and gottdam, Scott Steiner useta rule.

$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$ Michinoku Pro - Great Sasuke vs Atsushi Onita - 23/9/03- [DEAN RASMUSSEN]: A Superspecialman posted this to the matches board and I had no idea that this existed.  Their deathmatch from FMW is one of the most spectacular deathmatches in wrestling history.  One wonders how they fare- older, after the fact, during political careers. MASK versus CAR!!  AWESOME!  The non-Kawasaki Stadium-level attendence makes me wonder if they would recoup the price of a mask, much less a car.  Actually, folks are there, just all on one side.  This is no-ropes exploding barbed-wire so they spend the first five minutes fighting being thrown into it- to get across the idea that it fuckin hurts and they do a TomK-beloved "I will not release the this headlock irregardless of how many times you Vertically Suplex me" sequence.  It rules.  Onita decides to beat on Sasuke in the middle of the ring and you remember Onita wrestled in Memphis long enough to know how to work a brawl.  And then he goes flying spectacularly through the exploding barbed wire and it RULES.  Onita crawls into the ring and sells the damage while kicking out.  Sasuke with the Vertical Suplex and I love how they aren't going "Old School" in the 1994 idea of the deathmatch but "Old School" as in the 1975 idea of the deathmatch. Sasuke and Onita drive their foreheads into each other and that lets Onita go on offense.  Onita with the truly nasty looking chairs to the face- jabbing into the face not slamming it over his head.  Sasuke sells the chairs to the face by curling up in a ball and crying.  It's awesome.  Onita beats him with a ladder to try get Sasuke to fall into the spidernet MINEFIELD~! but Sasuke makes himself heavy so he can't be thrown in allowing Onita to get the ladder again.  I'm quite excited about the exploding minefield at ringside and wish Onita would go ahead and hurl the insane Sasuke into it already.  ENLIEU, they do the FUCKING AWWWWWWWWWESOME fall off the ladder through the exploding barbed wire.  You just gotta fucking see it.  So fucking awesome.  This match rules. They show it again in slow motion and it rules even more.  AWESOME.  God, and we still have the MINEFIELD~! left!  (I force my wife to stop cooking the dinner and come over and watch it. She is suitably impressed.  Then I watch Hoodoo Gurus and Icehouse videos with my sons and then i finally get back to the back-end of this match.)  Onita starts ripping at Sasuke's mask and Sasuke punches Onita in the stomach and bails to the railing to be attended to as Onito Pro guys yell at the Michinoku guys and calls them pussies and they fight.  Sasuke gets back in the ring and Onita CRUSHES him twice with more chairs to the face and then Thunderfire Powerbombs him on a chair for two.  Onita beats him with a ladder for a while and until Sasuke can piledrive him onto a chair to set up Sasuke going to the top of the ladder to hit a 450 BUT ONITA PUSHES THE LADDER AND SASUKE FALLS INTO THE SPIDERNET MINEFIELD!  AND IT RULES!  They show it again in slow motion and it's awesome!  They show the smoke coming off of Sasuke's back and this is fucking AWESOME.  16 count and it's STILL SMOKING! Aw man, they show powderburns and just as Sasuke beats the count, Onita's second (THAT'S MR POGO!) throws a Pogo-level fireball and Sasuke is bringing the KILL ME to the death match.  Thunderfire Powerbomb for two and Sasuke is fuckin DEAD.  Thunderfire Powerbomb on top of the ladder for two and smoke is STILL rising from Sasuke as Onita charges Sasuke with a ladder and they both fly into the remaining exploding barbed wire.  Mr Pogo throws another fireball and sets Onita's shirt on fire and Sasuke rolls Onita up for and gets a NEW CAR!  Pogo destroys Sasuke postmatch.  This match is fucking SICK. And by sick, I mean fucking GREAT.  Onita beats the hell out of Pogo and they cut it off before Onita does the greatness that is Post-Deathmatch Oratory that only Onita does.  JILLION JILLION STARS.

@#@#@#@#@#@#@# RENE GOULET V NICK DECARLO- WWE 24/7 preview- Maple Leaf Gardens, 1984- [Spinkick Mailman]:  This is just a clinic on opening match subtle heel stuff. It's all here -- the stalling, the chicanery, the suspicious glove, and the uber-French mannerisms that manage to get Goulet heel heat in MTL. This reminded me of that idea, put forth by Roland Barthes or Lee Marshall, that the opening match was intended to lay a template down, to put forth basic moves in an immediately understandable context, or perhaps to establish that concept. I dunno. I loved how Goulet showed no passion whatsoever as the boring chants rained down as he chinlocked Decarlo. Rene Goulet understood that he was there to flash just a little, to function as sort of a tease, like 'Dur Dur Et Bebe' was for the singing career of Jordy. If you have Comcast, take a looksee at this match, esp. if you ain't never seen Goulet.

@#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$# Hiroshi Tanahashi vs Giant Bernard- NEW JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- 7/17/2006- [DEAN RASMUSSEN]: Sprewell Rims posted this and we thank him.  Tanahashi has Candyman Brad Armstrong hair. A-Train again!  Allright! He towers over Tanahashi and he looks truly monstrous beating the hell out of the Japanese fella early.  Tanahashi uses his speed and agility to avoid Bernard's lumbering mauling offense and drives a cursing Bernard to the floor with his wiliness speeding tenacitiness and barrellrolling piscado.  Bernard is awesome as the babyheaded methed-out redneck trying to control his bitch with violence.  Tanahashi does a thousand rolling elbows and only Travis Tomko interfering at ringside could subdue the lil ball of fire. Tomko gets sent to the locker room and Giant Bernard has a flash of deja vu to a prior booking philosophy he was subject to.  Tanahashi continues to be too fast for the lummoxy Bernard, moving away from the Ass Of Bernard and allowing Bernard to bust his cornshoot on the mat.  Tanahashi racks himself on teh top turnbuckle after Bernard hits the ropes and then drives Tanahashi to the floor with Big Boot to the corner.  Bernard works him over in the ropes after he crawls back into the ring and busts him up with running kicks and shoulder bustin as Tanahashi is sprawled over the apron.  Bernard is fun with the good basic shoulder-blocking offense and he has a sweet lariat when he unleashes it.  He also can eat a buncha tricky Tanahashi offense.  Plus he's so fuckin weird looking.  He will work forever in Japan.  Of course, Tanahashi is leaning into Bernard offense like a champ- as I figured his innards would squirt out like a tube of toothpaste as Bernard fuckin KILLS him with a All My Fat Behind This Elbow Drop across the back.  First nearfall is nice- as Bernard hits a fucking OBESE Avalanche square on to the littleness of Tanahashi and it fucking had to suck.  Tanahashi does the Spinning Lariat Thingy While You Fall move and we are at STALEMATE.  Bernard hits a SWEET Victory Roll for two.  Bernard is fucking ruling it in this.  Bernard makes great faces while being confused by Tanahashi escaping a powerbomb to hit a fabulous German Suplex.  Tanahashi does ten punches in the corner to get a Powerbomb for his trouble.  This match is wacky.  It's strange to see two guys in this day and age take so much time to set up finishers this late in the match. Usually, it's finisher-kickout to finisher-kickout to finisher-kickout.  This is all about finisher-wad of wrestling to finisher-WWE hijinx with a chair and Travis Tomko.  Tanahashi hits the Toprope Slingbalade-o! and then hits a normal Slingblade and Tanahashi wins the ninth finest match on Smackdown this year.  Giant Bernard is fabulous.  But he always did rule it.  Quality wrestling.

!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@! Hiro Saito vs Cobra- NEW JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- 6/28/1985- WWF Junior Heavyweight Title- [DEAN RASMUSSEN]: Cryptic and melancholy young Lenny posted this on the matches board. This fuckin RUUUULES.  Hiro is getting flowers from the ring gals and Cobra chucks a bouquet at Hiro and starts beating the shit out of him.  Takano is fucking BEAST of offense- the kicks, the elbows, the MANLY suplexes.  He stomps like Arn Anderson, he suplexes like Ted Dibiase.  Hiro is a MAN in this by hitting the rail like he was being thrown clear of a Semi hitting a Semi.  Cobra crushes his trachea with an elbow drop off the apron while Hiro is hanging off and then he just punches him in the chest.  Cobra is fucking VIOLENCE in this match and Hiro has to switch from victim to wrestler but keeps getting cut off by the psychotically violent Cobra.  After five minutes of taking a THOROUGH assbeating, Hiro goes crazy with the assbeating.  Cobra leans into a fucking HORRENDOUS chairshot and crawls to the ring and trades kicks to get back on offense, hitting a nasty Tombstone to set up a fucking sick kneedrop from the toprope to Hiro's teeth. They finally slow it down with a toprwristlock on the mat, that Hiro sells like it's the 80s in Japan.  They make it back to a vertical base and Cobra beats hiro back to the ground and slaps on a chinlock until Cobra opts to go fucking insane with chops and kneedrops.  Hiro finally hits a Dangerous Backdrop to go on offense and hits a brainbuster and truly hideous piledriver.  Takano cuts him off with a Cravate into a Cobra Twist and this truly is a fucking AWESOME fucking wrestling match.  Hiro fights out of a Boston Crab and Cobra greets him with those totally dickish Cobra headbutts.  Cobra drops al these knees across Hiro's face and you don't get this level of hate in 99% of your wrestling purchases.  Cobra enziguiris the hell out of Hiro and hits a Tiger Suplex Hold for two.  Cobra BODYSLAMS Hiro onto the toprope and Hiro falls all wrong and crazy to the floor.  WEIRD.  Hiro reverses a suplex attempt into the ring and German Suplexes Cobra and bridges to get the flashpin though Cobra has gotten his shoulder up and the fans know it.  Postmatch, they hug and kiss and.. no, they don't.  They BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER.  THIS. MATCH. FUCKING. RUUUUUUUULES.

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NEXT TIME!  This whole Yoshie fixation in All Japan.  More crappy fuckin Kojima matches.  Memphis.  Georgia.  Chattanooga.  Whatever else we dig.  Love it.
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8 FISTS IN THE FACE OF WRESTLING.
THE DEATH VALLEY PLAYAZ