DEATH VALLEY DRIVER VIDEO REVIEW ISSUE #168

Posted on December 2, 2015 1:41 PM by Phil
168cover(cover by Rippa)

DEAN~! might like KENSUKE OFFICE~! just a little bit! OSAKA PRO~! still makes RIPPA~! feel funny! YUTAKA YOSHIE~! definitely makes DEAN~! feel funny! CLOWNS~! are still really disturbing! When KONGS~! Collide! TWO ZEUSES~! ZEUSI?~! GREG VALENTINE~! MASATO YOSHINO~! PRINCESA BLANCA~! IT’S DVDVR RESTART BABY~!

Howdy!

None of you have a fucking clue who we are. This is the Death Valley Driver Video Review. Remember these? No, of course you don’t because you are young and stupid. GET OFF OUR LAWNS!!! As a reminder, this is Dean Rasmussen’s brain child. I would guess that since you are seeing this on the DVDVR website or message board (or perhaps via CRZ’s The W) you, the gentle reader, understand this. But it is the internet so ya never know. I’m Phil Rippa. I’m just here to make sure Dean doesn’t post a picture of his junk.

Okay, now that that is out of the way, I would love to say that there is a video explanation from Dean as to why it’s been… oh… 18 months since the last DVDVR but there isn’t. You can safely assume that the unwatched wrestling pile is huge and that his beard is still comical. These will continue as long as I can distract Dean long enough from the booze and the ladies. It’s an all Rippa/Rasmussen review (Oh Issue #135, you were so many years ago.) Phil and Tom are over at Segunda Caida. Phil’s maybe, kinda, sorta final Best of 2008 list is enclosed. Enough Jibber Jabba.

God, I should have made this an elaborate April’s Fools joke….

~!~

KENSUKE OFFICE – 11/02/2009
[by DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Kuishinbo Kamen/ Ebessan vs Kikutaro/ Catfish Man
Oh you know and I know that GOD the one thing I look for in my wrestling is…. of course… HILARITY! this is cut to about 45 seconds so I don’t have to clutch my ribs for too long. HILARIOUS!

BxB Hulk/ Naoki Tanizaki/ m.c.KZ. vs Takeshi Minamino/ TAKA Michinoku/ Kento Miyahara
I had lined up all my Social Dance Wrestling Entertainment jokes and was gearing up to make a few “God, TAKA sucks ass so completely these days” comments and get on with my life, but Kento Miyahara just fucking CRUSHES m.c KZ with a knee to the head and suddenly all is forgiven. Cut all too hell so miss large wads of 110 pound guys running back and forth really fast. But yeah, stay for the finish = CHOICE.

Sanshiro Takagi vs Takashi Okita
I love Okita because the X-League gimmick is so close to my heart. I REALLY love Okita now that he does a three point stance before launching into a TRUE Ciclon Ramirez-level totally out-of-control tope. Takagi ain’t much but he takes the full brunt of Okita straight into the fucking rail like a destitute man’s Javier Cruz. This is also edited to spare the innocent from too much exposure to Takagi’s wrestling prowess. I’ll be happier when Okita gets to win matches like this.

Jun Akiyama/ Taiji Ishimori vs Kensuke Sasaki/ Kota Ibushi
God, this match fucking ROCKED. It may be the best synthesis of junior and heavyweight styles meshed together to make a fun in I don’t know how long. Ishimori has progressed to quite the fun little wrestler. Ibushi is beloved on the internet and I like his fighting spirit myself. The key to this is that the junior side is just as intense and stiff as the heavyweights by the time it is over, but they keep it in junior terms- so it was a neat trick. They go all flashy early with the speedy stuff to double dropkick and applause thingy. Akiyama tags and doesn’t even acknowledge anyone under 200 pounds but Ibushi tells him to suck his dick with kicks to the chest- until EXPLOIDER SAY U TAG! Sasaki and Akiyama beat the living dogfuck out of each other early with 12 thousand glorious chops of redness. They sell between chops so it’s really fun. Akiyama makes the great “Oh crap, I forgot about this crap with this guy” face and you are LURED in. Sasaki finally chops Akiyama down and Kenski drops to the mat to make you remember the slappiness of the prior two minutes. Owie! They go to knucklelock and it’s all King’s Road in its lengthiness. Ishimori comes in and works on the elbow of Sasake and this is buildalicious as Kensuke powers out and allows Ibushi to tag in and make with the knees to the chest. Ishimori opts to work the DDP-level taped up shoulder and also throws him to the floor so Jun can drive the bad shoulder into the ringpost. Akiyama does a REALLY great Dusty Elbow right on the clavicle. they get to the ring and Jun starts selling for Ibushi as Obushi kicks him in the chest a lot. Jun cuts him off by spindling the shoulder some more. Ishimori does the totally dickish dropkick to Ibushi’s butt driving his shoulder into the turnbuckle thus opening up Jun and Ishimori to go totally Gene and Ole on the shoulder. Ibushi gets the hope spot and jun just dusty Elbows the shoulder again. Ibushi fires back on Ishimori and Ishimori Dusty Elbows the shoulder and then Cobra Clutch Slams him to the mat on the point of the shoulder. This stuff was fucking manly. Sasaki and Jun take it to the floor when Sasaki has had enough and storms the ring. This allows ishimori to do every Rings of Saturn variation he can remember on Ibushi’s shoulder. Ibushi is fucking awesome selling an ass-beating. He is all spunky in his comebacks and the crowd gets all torqued and they boo when he gets shoulder-crushed when he gets cut off. Ishimori should quit highflying all together because he is perfectly fine beating the fuck out of someone in three by three foot area. His offense is fucking nasty when given a chance. Ibushi FINALLY kicks Jun in the throat and Sasaki is a house a-fire with the Powerslam and Judo throw into the Strangle Hold Gamma!! Ishimori makes the save and allows jun to hit the toprope High Knee to allow Ishimori to hit Sasake with a batch fauncy junior moves. Sasaki chops his adam’s apple into the third row for his trouble and it is fucking great! Ibushi just KICKS THE FUCK out of Ishimori several times. Ishi hit a fruitily elaborate Crucifix for two and Jun and Sasaki beat the crap out of each other on the floor. Ibushi and Ishimori hit a 24 step roll-up sequence that ends in a standing Skytwister Press by Ibushi. They then stand in the middle of the ring and just beat the LIVING DOGPISS out of each other. It’s about everything you want out of two up and coming juniors. they trade released Germans and Dragons and I’m loving this. If you can’t be fat, at least be high-impact and hurtful. Jun and Sasaki keep up the same pace leading up to the toprope EXPLOIDAH~! Sasaki counters a final Exploider by Obushi kicking Jun in the back and then goes lariat crazy on Jun to lead into the greatest gift a wife can give her husband- her finisher- as Jun succumbs to a thoroughly beautiful Northern Lights Bomb. Everybody looked great in this. The Akiyama/Sasaki sections are a thousand times better here than in their actual title match. Sometimes junior support is key.

KENTA vs. Katsuhiko Nakajima
Well, I’ll be, this fucking great too. This is the second juniors match I’ve watched in one week that went over 35 minutes. The Minoru vs Kaz Hayashi 38 minute slog was unforgivably boring for giant stretches. THIS match is also 38 minutes but it is fucking great because instead of doing three junior matches in a row and calling it Going Long, they have an old fashioned KING’S ROAD match. The major difference between this and the snoozer that was Minoru vs Kaz was that Nakajima and KENTA fill up the body of the match of giant sections of them just kicking the fuck out of each other in the face and then rolling around and crying about it. Just replace the released German Suplex sections and the Emerald Frozien and High Angle Powerbomb sections with two guys just fucking killing each other with kicks to the face. And then laying around and selling a busted up face. It was fucking great.

~!~

Osaka Pro “OSAKA PRO STORY #45” (12/7/08)
[by PHIL RIPPA]

Desudesu is the fucking man and provides years upon years of viewing pleasure. I will do this show and save the Hurricane 09 show for the next issue (HA!). I am also hearing the kids saying that I need to go find the Tigers Mask/Black Buffalo match from last February. And I am prepared for Desu and Alan and Ryan and numerous others to yell at me.

Osaka Pro is so the first secret love of your love. Sweet. Tender. Innocent. You steal your first kiss and your heart is a flutter. You then grow apart, not seeing and talking to each other. Then, one day, you run into each other at a party. Your first love has aged beautifully and, because you are you, is now way out of your league. You still get to fuck though and that is why Osaka Pro is the greatest. Of course, like I know the first thing about sex either. Moving on…

Tadasuke vs. Kazuaki Mihara
Boy of these guys are wee rookies. Mihara is really really doughy so Dean would love him. He also has this green/yellow singlet on that makes it look like he has some sort of fungal growth. Tadasuke has an AMAZING spikey mullet that screams Japanese Indy Wrestling. I spend the five minutes or so that was shown of this match starting at his ass. Hey! I wanted to see what the back of his trunks said. That’s my story and I am sticking too it. My way out of date prescription has me thinking it was “Blood Butt” which was all sorts of amazing. Sadly, it turned out to be “Blood & Guts” which is the name of the little faction thingy he is a part of. Blood Butt is sooooooo much a better name. This was fun in that two guys with less than six months experience kinda way.

Tennouzan SemiFinal: Hideyushi vs. Black Buffalo
I really love the graphic and recap video that is shown before the tournament matches. #1 and the best is the visual of Black Buffalo having red mist drooling out of his mouth and on his finger. Oh I fucking heart Black Buffalo. I still weep for the loss of his hood – at least he still wears it to the ring. Anyhoo – Hideyushi gets jumped by B-Squared and the Rudo Army – Tigers Mask, Masamune, Orochi and The Bodyguard (The Bodyguard? Really??? Was the random scummy Japanese Indy Wrestler name generator broken? Is he going to feud with Bobby Brown over the summer?) – and they work over his already injured left arm, which then becomes the theme of the match since Buffalo works it over and there is lots of liberal interference from the outside too. Eventually, Hideyushi gets his HEAT BACK~! An tope, some kicks, a foot stomp and an okay Shinning Wizard. That someone meant it was the perfect time for the Katanagari (a cobra clutch sleeper thingy. I got that from somewhere that wasn’t our moves list. Poor poor Ray.) Hideyushi gets Black Buffalo to tap but the ref doesn’t see it because of the devilish distraction from the outside, which turns into the longest ref distraction ever as there is about 7 missed chair shots, another Katanagari and Tigers Mask hitting Hideyushi’s bum left wing with a stick. The long and short of it is that Black Buffalo wins with a rollup. Eh… I liked a couple of spots but the “ref is distracted for nine minutes” thing wasn’t that much fun in like 2000 so it still ain’t flying with me now.

Tennouzan SemiFinal: Billy Ken Kid vs. Asian Cougar
Before y’all get excited (like I did), this match lasts all of two minutes with maybe 18 seconds of total action. This is after Cougar crippled himself (apparently his ankle) and he can barely walk. BKK dickisly throws two dropkicks to the knee (which seemed cooler when I thought it was his knee that was injured) and the towel gets thrown. Poor poor Asian Cougar. Oh and as an aside, never ever do a Google Search for Asian Cougar… well unless you are looking for some creepy creepy middle age loving.

Zeus/ Atsushi Kotoge/ Daisuke Harada vs. The Rudo Army (Tigers Mask/ Masamune/ Orochi)
See this is the Zeus that Meltzer is always talking about (and yes, this joke would make more sense if I flipped it with the one in Singles Going Steady section but that ain’t happening. Work with me people.) I do love Zeus’ commitment to the corn row mullet – that will get you some store credit with me. Kotoge and Harada are the other two members of Blood Butt… err… Blood & Guts. Just so you can tell the two of them apart – Kotoge is the one who wears the basketball shorts that goes down to his ankles and I want to punch him in the face. Damn kids and their fashions. Let’s face, y’all have seen this match a thousand times. I don’t think you are going to cry as you miss the TEASE~! Of a Zeus/Bodyguard match (and I for one don’t see that being any sort of good). Harada overhead German suplexing Tigers Mask into Masamune was fun though so there was that. Would have been better if someone else had been in there instead of Zeus, there are only so many clotheslines I can take.

Tsubasa/ Takaku Fuke/ Mircale Man vs. Kanjurou Matsuyama/ Kuishinbo Kamen/ Ebessan III
Man, time really does wait for no man. A third Ebessan? Already? Supposedly, this one is the former Ice Penguin, who I have no feelings for either way as I have never actually seen Ice Penguin. This is 100% comedy so depending on your opinion of Japanese comedy you may or may not stay for the whole 15 minutes. There is a lot, and I mean, A LOT, of Fuke dancing. Which for the first three minutes kept getting a chuckle out of me but after awhile I started thinking like someone was looping that part of the Cupid Shuffle that yells “TOO THE LEFT!” and all of use were stuck in a circle of hell. Matsuyama is the doughiest Pat Tanaka ever… if Pat Tanaka never got a hair cut and painted his face white. He also doesn’t have the greatest cardio as he definitely is sucking wind during the second half of his set.

Tennouzan Final: Black Buffalo vs. Billy Ken Kid
Billy Ken Kid comes out and is all emotional about his shot at the big time. I can dig that. This match is told in two parts. The first half of the match is lots and lots of ref distractions and the four and five man beatdowns on BKK. Geez, does the Rudo Army do this every match? It’s really starting to distress me. It’s like my friend with benefits telling me she has crabs and that I have a small dick. BKK’s choice of seconds in Miracleman and Hideyoshi was severely inadequate considering that they kept getting punked and made to look silly. (Even sadder considering Hideyoshi was champ at the time – maybe still is. Oof. I am loopy.) There are two different ref bumps. Then Blood & Guts run out too. Jesus, who the fuck is booking this? Paul Heyman? If 911 comes out, I am officially flying to Osaka and punching someone in the face. God, Zeus is on the mic. He might as well be 911. Everyone brawls to the back moving us to the second part of our match which is the “everyone kicks out of everything for the next ten minutes” portion of your program. It wouldn’t have been so bad if BKK didn’t hit his version of the Air Raid Crash three different times. I really hope his offense is a little more varied than that on other occasions. Anyway, BKK is eventually able to put away Black Buffalo with Vertigo which is this fireman’s carry, electric chair into a Michinoku Driver that is overly elaborate. Apparently, Billy Ken Kid dislocated his shoulder in the match. Geez, can’t imagine why? Maybe it was one of the two belly to back suplexes that he landed all sorts of wrong on. Or perhaps is the was the top rope belly to back suplex which you just knew was going to end poorly as you watched them set it up. Overall, there were some neat spots but I so would have preferred a straight match for your tournament final instead of something that looked like it was straight out of Hardcore Heaven.

~!~

NEW JAPAN PRO WRESTLING- 3/15/09
[by DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I love New Japan. Still! The reviewing!

Jushin Liger/ Kazuchika Okada vs. Ryusuke Taguchi/ Prince Devitt:
Oh jeez, here we go. Will Lyger continue to depress me? Taguchi is sporting the douche goatee so I know who to hate. He and Lyger do some perfunctory/meaningless/rote (circle one) mat work and I just don’t see any fire works this could lead up to so I may tune out and catch up on the Gilmore girls that my daughters are watching aver at the TV. Okada reminds me of the Japanese Peter Parker so I have to love him. Prince Devitt is sporting the Nouvelle Undertones Revival Cut. They work on his spindly Euro-Legs. Okada beats on the Prince and takes a mis-directed shotay and… oh will Luke ever tell Lorilei how he REALLY feels? Okada hits a giant dropkick on Taguchi to set up a Lyger quebradora to set Okada hitting a running elbow to the douche toupee and that is your match highlight so far. Nice Uranagi by Okada and Prince really leans into a shotay. Okada kicks out of a toprope double stomp and then succumbs to to two lung-blower variationszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Super Strong Machine/ Tiger Mask/ Koji Kanemoto/ Taichi Ishikari vs. Toru Yano/ Black Tiger/ Jado/ Honma:
God, I was ready to blow past this and get on to the next match but TM and Black Tiger really beat the fuck out of each other early to draw me in. Who is this Black Tiger and where has he been hiding such a totally spine-crushing tope? BT bumps GINORMOUS to the floor. Okay I love this match. Kanemoto beats on BT for a while until Honma comes in! Hey Honma! The matchlist was wrong. They kick the bastard son of Randy Rose- Ishikari- until Jado comes in and smacks him around. TM comes back in and he and Yano continue to makes the strangest entertaining faux WAR 6 man to take place in a while. BT and TM go at it again and the hate is there but the pinnacle is Honma’s Actual Elbow Drop. TM kicks Honma in the dick and you wince and I wince. Kanemoto facescrapes Honma and do a lot of clumsy spots that make you miss Honma going facefirst into a barbed-wire board. It kinda goes to hell from there. (HEY! BT speaks English! Is Rocky Romero or Ricky Reyes?)

Milano Collection A.T. vs. Giant Bernard:
Can giant Bernardo beat the shit out of MCAT for me to like this match? MCAT uses his speed early to avoid the hellish fury of Bernard until Bernard hits a shoulderblock and an Avalanche. Bernard has a really great elbow drop and his legdrop looks like it hurts. They take it to the floor and Bernard is getting in the hideous sounding chop to the chest. I fear the flashpin because Bernard is beating him to death. Bernard has a really great abdominal stretch. Giant Bernard fucking rules. MCAT dropkicks the knee and jawbreaks to hope spot. MCAT gets in a flurry of lowgrade highflying offense until Bernard cuts him off with a Chokeslam Powerbomb. MCAT fakes a foule and hits a shitty superkick and gets a two count. Bernard sells the plancha and MCAT’s crappy punches before they have subterfuge with somebody (was that Karl Anderson?) Ace Crushing MCAT before Bernard totally K-Drills him and REALLY, you gotta beat the shit out of MCAT a lot more than that for me to give a shit about this. Oh yeah.

Yutaka Yoshie vs. Tomohiro Ishii:
MY DICK IS ON FIRE WITH ROCK AND ROLL. I’m in love with both these guys. Hook’em up! Yoshie cut his hair. He is more emo than moondog now. yoshie uses his fat advantage early and Ishii hits the floor to figure out how handle the manly girth. They opt to beat the fudge out of each other with chops to the chest and you and I become wrestlearoused. Yoshie does the fucking great move of just BLOBBING over him after with a forward roll of True Pudge. Ishii chops to HOPE! But Yoshie opts to MENACE him with his giant ASS. He drops it down right on Ishiii’s head and uses the ass-strength/weight to procure the Boston Crab to stomp to stomp to stomp to headbutt counter to headbutt to headbutt to hit the FUCKING BEAUTIFUL ABDULLAH MEATCLEAVER ELBOW DROP to power Ishii over in a vertical suplex. Ishii fights like a motherfucker and hits a SWEET corner lariat and fucking MANLY “GOOD GAWD I’m PICKIN UP A FAT MOTHERFUCKER” Brainbuster and it RULES!! Ishii’s offense is nasty and hateful and he tries a German but Yoshie backs him into the corner and goes back to Utilizing His Giant Ass. An Avalanche sets up the Stinkah Face-uh as the announcer calls it before hitting a fucking beautiful spinebuster. These guys fucking ROCK. Yoshie hits the I WILL HIT YOU WITH MY GIANT GUT Lou Thesz Press and EVERYTHING is looking hurty and awesome. Yoshie slams him facefirst to set up going up top but Ishiii catches him on the way up and hits the LOOK AT THIS FAT MOTHERFUCKER THAT I’m SUPERPLEXING SUPERPLEX and NOTHING rules more that Yoshie when he is bumping. Ishii hits a fucking beautiful lariat and gets the two count. They fight for the vertical suplex and opt for battle of lariats that the fattest man wins. Yoshie throws Ishii off the top and hittest the PHATTEST SENTON EVER. Ishii enziguiris to hit the fucking MANLY German Suplex. They beat each other to death with elbows until Yoshie hits a Urican and Kick to The Mouth and HOISTS HIMSELF OFF THE TOPROPE CRUSHING ISHII LIKE A METEOR THAT WOULD ANNIHILATE THE DINOSAURS. YOSHIE IS FUCKING GOD. TRILLION ZILLION STARS.

Yuji Nagata vs. Takashi Iizuka:
Iizuka is EVIL! Nagata’s expiration date expired a while ago. Nagata brings some really shitty forearms from the mount. God, did these idiots not see the Ishii/Yoshie match. They were fucking KILLING each other. THIS is Ace Darling and Lance Storm trading STRIKES~! in 1996. The stiffest shots to the head are by Honma on the outside. Iizuka hits Nagata with a chair after doing the 90 step shitty deathmatch ramble and Nagata is bleeding? How come the preceding match conveyed 9,000,000 times the violence but stayed in the ring and had no blood. Oh right, THOSE GUYS FUCKING RULE. These guys- more like the idea of a brawl as opposed to anything compelling. Nagata can bleed a lot but he doesn’t reach a Nakamaki level as a brawler here. 10 minutes in and Honma throws the best punches in the match from ringside. 11 minutes in Nagata goes on a big offensive streak and Iizuka leans into it and things pick up. Nagata’s toprope Exploider is nice. Iizuukaa’s lowblow seems more effective. Nagata answers with an elaborate Hotshot-style neckbreaker and Brainbuster and at least this no longer resembles the worst W*ING main event ever. Nagata applies assorted Nagata Locks. Honma makes the save and thus Honma is the best thing in the match. Iizuukaaa puts on his Five Fingers of Death fingers and gets disqualified. Yep. I would flee by foot from this match if I was youse.

Hiroshi Tanahashi/ Manabu Nakanishi/ Wataru Inoue vs Togi Makabe/ Val Venis/ Karl Anderson:
Hey, it’s Val Venis! When did he discover Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls? He has pudge now, so he is even more beloved. MANABOOO will have to REALLY pull something out his ass to make me care about this, BUT he is on the massive awesome streak so I will let the tape roll and find out for myself. Manabu vs Venis and THIS could be fun. Val takes a shoulder block, gets scared and tags out. Manabu chops the fuck out of Karl Anderson and tags in Inoue to keep this from becoming an improptu Haystacks Calhoun handicap match- which I was kinda looking forward to. Inoue goes INSANE and does the AWWWWWWESOME sprint off the apron flying highknee through the barricade. Anderson takes it like a fucking MAN. They AAA Tanahashi’s flippy twirly dive but get the Manabu Nakanishi plancha in all its glory. This is soooo much more fun than I figured it would be. Inoue and Anderson wrestling above themselves here is the key. Anderson dropkicking Inoue off the top was unexpected and delightful. They spend some time beating the hell out of Inoue as this goes all Southern Tag and you approve. Val Venis makes himself useful by taunting the faces while double suplexing Inoue. God, Anderson looks great in this match beating the shit out of Inoue. He is… having a WILD RESURGENCE. He is making you and I forget that Makabe is in this match. Inoue tags in Tanahashi a little early but Tanahashi is ridiculously blazing as a house a-fire. Anderson cuts him off and eventually ends up in the ring with Manabu and it’s all over for the Faux Wrecking Crew member- what with the Argentinian Backbreaker and everything. Omori shows up postmatch to possibly ruin Manabu’s string of watchable matches.

Shinsuke Nakamura vs Hirooki Goto:
I’m taking a ride with my best friend. I hope Hirooki Goto won’t let me down again. Nakamura isn’t the best news for a Hirooki Goto Underachieving Streak. Roll the tape and we will see. They hit the mat early. It kinda sits there for four minutes and then Goto says… to himself… he says, “I CAN’T SUCK FOR THREE STRAIGHT MATCHES!” and they begin beating the hell out of each other. Goto bumps huge into the rail after hitting a swanking lariat and taking a dropkick while climbing. Nakamura will not make you forget the career of Stan Hansen so he does nothing compelling on the floor. They go back to the mat and Nakamura works the arm. Goto fires back and is all intense and charismatic before he is cut off by Nakamura, who works the arm again. For a while. Nakamura is channeling the Great Muta at a house show. Goto finally goes on offense and they FIGHT FOR SUPERPLEX~! Goto smacks him really hard, slaps on a sleeper and does a neckbreaker with Nakamura draped off the top. And hits two very nice elbow drops (for a non-fat guy) to set up his totally boss toprope elbow- though this one doesn’t crush Nakamura like it usually does. Goto cuts off Nakamura with a side suplex and Regal Stretch and this match is watchable while Goto is on offense. Nakamura on offense, not so much. Nakamura wakes up and hits some stiff kicks and Goto eats them directly in the teeth. They do a cool sequence where Nakamura evades Goto’s short running clothesline three times to set up a German for two. Then Goto evades spin kick to hit a Released German. OOO, they know each other! They opt to punch each other in the face a lot and BUSINESS IS PICKING UP! They do couple nearfalls and then Goto just fucking KILLS Nakamura with two lariats and it’s over! That wasn’t great but Goto looked like he would beat your ass again so his hot streak begins here!

~!~

DRAGON GATE 3/22/2009
[by DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Bless you Alan 4 bringing this over from the Land of Sobak (which is the invaluable Strong Style Symphony board, I do believe.) I usually file these Dragon Gate Social Dance Hootenanies in the To Be Watched After I’m Fucking Dead pile, but we here at the DVDVR have a mission- to watch the wrestling. Plus I like a couple guys on this. If my head explodes, send a dollar to my wife- for the good times.

KAGETORA/ RYOMA vs Akira Tozawa/ Kenshin Chikano:
Thin men take it to the mat- they are KAGETORA and Tozawa. I have to establish this early of won’t be able to tell the fifty armdrags apart. RYOMA has great paunts- white with camoflague faux cod-piece- SO HIS JUNK CAN SNEAK UP ONYA! Chikano hits him plenty hard in the face in the corner so I don’t hate this yet. They trade manly chops and my hate is totally disappearing. KAGETORA tags and he and Tozawa do about 40 things in twenty seconds. KAGETORA smacks him in the head so I can pretty much pick the moves out of the endless list that I like. Tozawa slaughters RYOMA with German dead on top of his head. Several thousand moves later and RYOMA does a really great tope con hilo for no apparent reason. KAGETORA wins with a Air Raid Crush Variation. Yeah, this was far more of a list than a match. But it was a not overly long list and there weren’t twelve finishes on the list so I give this a million Social Dance Points.

Masaaki Mochizuki/ Don Fuji/ Magnitude Kishiwada vs Katsuhiko Nakajima/ Takashi Okita/ Kento Miyahara:
Oh awesome, the Kensuke Office guys. OKITA! OKITA! He should dress like Lawrence Taylor dressed at WrestleMania that year. God, Don Fuji has lost a thousand pounds. Mochizuki and Nakajima kick each other really hard at the beginning so I love this. Don Fuji goes fucking CRAZY with a FUCKING AWWWESOME Lou Thesz press off the apron onto my boy Okita and this fucking rocks. Don Fuji beats on Miyahara for a while. Mochizuki kicks the hell out of Miyahara, I mean REALLY kicks the hell out of him. Full sprint right to the back on the apron. Sidekick to escape and Don Fuji takes a wad of kicks from house a-fire Nakajima and Mag-Kish opts to show up and cut Nakajima off. Okita hits the DOUBLE SPEAR he learned playing Americanoh Footballoh! Okita and Mag-kish have a POWER BATTLE that Okita wins with a vertical suplex! Don Fuji slows it all down by beating the living dogshit out of Miyahara again. Mochizuki kicks Miyahara’s lungs through his back and this is soooo fun. Don Fuji accidentally lariats Mochi thus allowing Okita to go all power offense and eventually sets up the TOTALLY BOSS Shoulder Block Through Mochizuki’s Face While Mochizuki Is On One Knee. JUMPING SHOULDAH! Mochizuki gets saved a few times and Nakajima trades kicks with him until hitting a Twisting Brainbuster that it sounds like the announcer called a SLEESTAKAH~! which would make it the greatest named move in wrestling history. Fuji and Okita have the eternal battle between American Football and Sumo to set Mag-Kish to hit the fat boy splash off the top to set up a Mochizuki kick flurry for two. Another flurry later and Okita succumbs to Mochizuki. That was fucking awesome. The Kensuke Office= Fun Wrestling.

Susumu Yokosuka/ Gamma vs Ryo Saito/ Genki Horiguchi:
Ah the grizzled old veterans match. I remember when they were all rookies… God, Gamma looks like he’s a hundred. Gamma also has star-fish hair. I think everything might have all gone wrong for Gamma since I last watched him. This match involved a lot of spitting and W*ING 90 step rambles to the outside. And lots of nine step double teams which was what caused SUWA to dub this style of wrestling Social Dance Wrestling. This can’t go on forever. I hope. God, they slow it down to nothing with a heatless heat segment on Gamma. Ryo and Susumu do some wrestling. They do a neato double Germen Splux spot that confuses me. They go back to Hardcore Social Dance Powerhall 2009! Somewhere a blue mist comes into play! And a Kendo stick! And no-selling a toprope Exploidah! Fuck this match. They hit a bunch of finishers that nobody sells and the ref throws a suplex somewhere in there and Susumu hits a random Tope Con hilo. Ryo hits everyone with a blue box and gets disqualified! Boy, that sucked some ass.

Masato Yoshino vs. CIMA:
Hey! It’s that TNA guy! I just put on HEEHAW on the big TV so this might be a baffling review. CIMA? After all these years. He is oiled up. CIMA does these little hoppy kicks early. CIMA stops a Tope with a Shotay through the ropes from the floor and I’m baffled by the physics of the spot. Oh you Culhanes- why the 1100 bananas? CIMA is methodically kicking Hoshino in the corner, meanwhile Buck Owens sings “Sam’s Place”. CIMA with Half-Crab variation and I’m wondering why CIMA looks like he is going to be competeing in Little Mr Tokyo Universe postmatch. Hoshino uses speed to fly across the ring and crush CIMA’s shoulder. Ooo late 60’s Connie Smith on HEE HAW! God, she was unbelievably hot. Hell, she’s hot now adays on the Marty Stuart Show. Hoshino with the Spider over the ropes to another set of ropes which I haven’t seen before and it is neato. Hoshino hits the AWESOME running dropkick off the floor through the ropes to CIMA’s jaw. That was choice. CIMA responds with the fucking CRAZY Santo Tope Through The Ropes Next To The Pole and he hits Hoshino full on. This match is pretty fun. CIMA hits the first lung blower of the evening. The Lung blower is the Falcon Arrow of the late ’00s. Waylon Jennings without a beard! It’s as awesome as Hoshino’s spinning Octopus Hold. CIMA hits the ropes. Tree Of Woe Dropkick and ducking the Van Daminator dropkick and Hoshino with the GIGANTIC Dropkick off the top just as we all sing WHERE oh WHERE are you tonight? Why did you leave me here all alone? CIMA hits a facebuster in the corner and then hits a double stomp to the stomach. Hoshino sells the damage. Sonny James begins singing about Running Bear and Little White Dove and their love as wide as the sky. CIMA and Hoshino fight at the toprope. Hoshino uses his truly amazing agiltiy to hit the jumping Slingblade from the apron to CIMA on the toprope to the mat. Hoshino hits a batch neckbreaking finishers for two. CIMA hits a desperation spin kick. Hoshino goes all T2P and CIMA counters out and hits a few finishers. Junior Sample is telling a story but I’m gonna have to rewind that because this is too fun. CIMA goes up top and Hoshino catches him and they fight again with CIMA hitting the toprope Superplex and then the Black Cat DDT and then the toprope knees to the head for the win! Wow, that was fucking great. Not too many finishes, really cool offense that wasn’t stupid like it can get at times- this was good. Hoshino is my new favorite DG spot machine.

Shingo Takagi/ Dragon Kid/ Taku Iwasa vs BxB Hulk/ Naoki Tanizaki/ PAC vs YAMATO/ Yasushi Kanda/ Kenichiro Arai:
Hey! I’ve been meaning to see this Pac guy! HEY! I really fucking hate a three way! By the first triple headlock I’m already drifting off. Jumping! Running! Unlikely triple team spots! God, AND THIS DOESN’T FUCKING END! I’m going to go get another orange. Ooop, still going. NINE MAN SUPLEX! And the highspots kick in. Shingo punches PAC in the mouth after PAC hits a fruity embellishment and I loved that. Then they go back to HILARIOUS THREE MAN SPOTS! And you know I love hilarity in my wrestling. Ah, and they start the highspot train. Arai hits someone with a bottle and this is the clusterfuck I figured all of these matches would be. Luckily, this is the exception not the norm so far. Arai takes the stupidest bump in the history of this match by taking a reverse rana off Shingo’s shoulders off the toprope directly onto his head. Ugh, what a landing. This actually gets kinda good when they get rid of half the people and treat it like a 6 man. Shingo crushes somebody for the win. Even the matches I hate, I don’t really hate all that much. I’m losing all my hardcore cred…

Cyber Kong vs. Anthony W. Mori:
Cyber-Kong still has the drawn on muscles!- but looks de-gassed so it’s Frazetta muscles drawn on newly cultivated pudge. Mori is a buck twenty soaking wet. Mori does the wacky Diving Senton to the floor, so I see how he will make up the 80 pound weigh differential. For some reason Cyber-Kong needs a backdrop driver AND a batch of chairs to beat a guy a third his size? I guess hair versus hair you don’t take any chances. Kong on offense is kinda plodding, though he hits a nice corner avalanche. Mori is actually wrestling this as a guy 80 pounds lighter than Kong, working the knee for a hope spot so the psyche is right. Kong hits the novel German Suplex While Opponent Is Sitting In A Folding Chair. And then starts cutting Mori’s hair! Then he crushes the ref and EVERYBODY ON EARTH runs in and it all equals out. Kong hits a nice K-Driller but the ref is dead so the Tiger Bemasked guys run so the Blue Box guys de-mask them and they shave Mori’s head anyway UNTIL MOCHIZUKI runs in and they throw the near-dead ref in and re-start the match. I was wondering what Paul Heyman was up to these days; it appears that he’s booking Dragon Gate matches. Mori takes a thorough ass-beating after the restart but refuses to die. He Fighting Spirits his way to fighting into a Superplex into a Triangle Choke. Kong powers up and they throw powder in Mori’s eyes but he re-applies the Triangle choke- and then Kong powers him up again and they hit Mori with a chair and Kong fucking DESTROYS him with a Running Lyger Bomb for the win. I was disappointed because I was looking forward to seeing 911 chokeslam everybody, but other than that, I HAD to love the total ECW overbooking of this. It was just weird that it was overbooked so heavily to help Cyber-Kong when you needed it to be overbooked to help the 120 pound guy. I await their table match. And then for Mori to start fucking Cyber-Kong’s old summer camp romance.

Naruki Doi vs Koji Kanemoto:
Hey! It’s the other TNA guy! And Koji Kanemoto! Let’s see how this goes. Doi is greased up and smooth skinned. Koji Kanemoto is aged and bitter. Koji does fun leg holds early. they go straight into beating each othe in the face and this is not your father’s Dragon Gate main event. koji punts him in the face and there is no social dance in this main event. Koji calls everybody in the audience a batch of pussies and starts kicking Doi in the head and Doi hits the post early. Koji whips out his “Bring it on, motherfucker” face and kills Doi two knees to the solar plexis as he crawls into the ring. Koji just kicks the fuck out of him in the corner and this is really great. Doi finally kicks out of the corner but Koji cuts him off by kicking him in the throat. Koji misses a MOONSAULT PRESS! but Doi can’t capitalize. Koji goes all footscrapey. Doi fights out and hits some pretty shitty looking kicks in comparison and gets be-scraped some more. C’mon, Doi, you might as well lay it in. He’s Koji Fucking Kanemoto and they put him in the main event. He is going to fucking kill you. Doi fires back a little heavier but gets caught in the toprope going up. Kanemoto Superplexes him TO THE FUCKING APRON and this match is fucking awesome! God, this is more of a bearmauling than a wrestling match as Koji- as an ode to 1995- Falcon Arrows Doi to the concrete! FOR MYAH PEEP HAYABUSA, 4 U DAWG! Koji CRUSHES Doi’s head with a kick after a tiny comeback and there is such a vast difference in quality of offense here. Koji’s moonsault loses again and I guess it’s time for Doi’s first foray into offense. Doi’s kicks suck- especially compared to fucking Koji Kanemoto’s . Doi goes facescrapey but finishes with Rolling Senton Avalanche to the corner. They fight for suplex and Koji goes over the toprope and Doi hits a perfectly crazy tope. Doi just doesn’t have enough assbeat in him to make this transcendent match. Doi hits a Kidmantastic sequence with Koji tied up in the ropes. Doi misses a missile dropkick and Koji goes on offense again. Doi has a comeback but Koji finagles an anklelock out of it. This is really good old guard versus young lions match – like the Lyger vs Kanemoto/Ohtani matches in 98 but while Koji is fucking GREAT Lyger, Doi is a very poorman’s 98 Koji or 98 Ohtani. But the form itself helps this go long without me wanting to rip my eyes out. Koji takes up time between spots to viciously kick Doi in the face. I’m noting of the three juniors matches that have gone way long that I have seen in the last two weeks, the two that worked (this, KENTA v Nakajima) involved guys filling time by beating the fuck out of each other- while the one that sucked (MINORU vs Hayashi) didn’t. Koji goes back to fauncy leg holds and FINALLY hits the moonsault- as if anybody has pinned anyone with a moonsault since 1988. So yeah, third time a charm FOR TWO! they slap each upside the head and Doi hits a SHINING WIZARD~! (the Falcon Arrow of 2004~!) and hits a Tiger Suplex Hold but koji is in the ropes. Doi’s chin is busted open and blood is exactly what this match needed and hardway is so much more hardcore. Doi punches koji in the knee and bites the knee and kicks the knee. KNEE. Koji catches him going up and hits the HIDEOUSLY NASTY TOPROPE RELEASED TIGER SUPLEX for two! They trade hilariously elaborate submissions and Doi makes the ropes. Doi catches Koji going to the top and misses on a toprope Death Valley Bomb so koji drags him down into an anklelock. Koji goes all Volk Han with it and goes to three different variations until Doi hits the ropes. Koji kicks Doi in the back and hits the toprope Belly to Belly for two. Tiger Suplex hold for two and Koji is doing the math in his head and then kicks Doi right in the teeth to make DEAN happy. Doi has a flurry and his own Tiger Suplex hold and lot of sliding kicks to the face. Doi hits bendy facebuster thing and GETS THE PIN! I figured he was going over and I’m glad it wasn’t fifteen minutes of finishers but Doi isn’t in the same league as Kanemoto in terms of offense so it looked like quite the flashpin. koji Kanemoto you buy as a guy who will beat your ass. Doi you buy as a guy who runs the ropes real pretty. Luckily for Doi, Kanemoto can carry him in a 27ish minute match because this was good. They had to import the good from New Japan though. But yeah, you want this.

~!~

Schneider’s Ongoing 2008 MOTY List

1. Blue Panther v. Villano V CMLL 9/19
2. Yuki Ishikawa + Alexander Otsuka + Munenori Sawa v Daisuke Ikeda + Katsumi Usuda + Super Tiger II BattlArts 7/26
3. Mitch Ryder v. Todd Morton XCW-Midwest 11/4
4. Jimmy Jacobs v. B.J. Whitmer IWA-MS 3/1
5. Floyd Mayweather v. Big Show WWE 3/30
6. Mike Quakenbush v. Johnny Saint WXW 3/8
7. Teddy Hart v. Eddie Kingston v. Homicide JAPW 1/19
8. Yuki Ishikawa v. Carl Greco BattlArts 6/1
9. Necro Butcher v. Sami Callihan IWA-MS 10/4
10. Rey Cometa/Pegasso/Freelance vs Los Oficiales IWRG 10/17
11. Bull Pain/Todd Morton v. Jerry Lawler/Chris Michaels XCW-Midwest 8/9
12. Mystico De La Juarez/Silver King/Rubi Gardenia v. Cassandro/Magno/El Hijo Del Santo Lucha Libre London 12/9
13. Necro Butcher v. Predator IGF 6/23
14. Necro Butcher v. 2 Cold Scorpio IWA-MS 8//17
15. Low-Ki v. Chris Hero PWG 11/2
16. Blue Panther v. Atlantis CMLL 7/11
17. Blue Panther v. Villano V CMLL 9/29
18. Meiko Satomura v. Aja Kong SENDAI 10/26
19. Yuki Ishikawa v. Alexander Otsuka RJPW 6/18
20. Mitsuhara Misawa v. Takeshi Morishima NOAH 3/2
21. Bryan Danielson v. Nigel McGuiness ROH 2/23
22. Erick Stevens v. Roderick Strong FIP 2/8
23. Trik Davis v. Sami Callihan IWA-MS 8/17
24. Hayato Jr. Fujita v. Yoshitune MPRO 12/12
25. Evan Bourne v. Chavo Guererro WWE 10/14

~!~

CMLL Puebla 3/8/09
[by DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Schneider makes with the PBL and WE love him for it. He tole me that I would like this Espiritu Maligno because he will die for me. I didn’t need to tell him that he had me at “Espiritu Maligno.” Review AHOY!

Tigre Rojo/ Black Tiger/ Blue Center vs Toro Bill/ Mister Rafaga/ Espiritu Maligno:
Okay, when Espiritu Maligno is the SECOND best name in your match, you have GOTt to love a Puebla locals match. BLOOOOOO CENTER! All this plus the fat stylings of Puebla Jesus, Toro Bill! God, and it hasn’t even started. Toro Bill and Tigre Rojo hit the mat and it is an old school Primera Caida because the matwork is a display of competence- as opposed to pointless time killer. BLLOOOOOOO CENTEEEER~! and your boy Mr Rafaga trade armdrags. Black Tiger chops the Cancerous Spirit who answers with comical lucha submissions. God, remember it wasn’t that long ago when most CMLL matches had fun first caidas like this. I’m glad it still exists somewhere. It turns into an armdrag convention and Blue center gets in the trickiest- bouncing off the toprope. Toro Bill hits the greatest Fat Boy Tope you will ever see and looks to have crushed his knee in the process. Maligno helps roll him into the ring. Because it is Mexico. EVIL carries the day in the first fall and the second fall is more elaborate- as Maligno flies through the turnbuckle and fucking KILLS himself to the floor. Bill loss the shirt and bumps big on the monkey flip- ignoring the pain of his crushed knee. OKAY, WHAT the FUCK is up with ESPIRITU MALIGNO? He and Black Tiger run the ropes and Maligno does a full speed Chris Hamrick bump between the second and third ropes straight onto his back to the floor! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS GUY’S MAJOR MALFUNCTION? And how can get more of him? They do the endless missed dives to the center and they do the star and one could say that this match is a little old school. Hell, I’ll say it. This match is a little old school- though the bumping is totally fucking insane and state of the art. GOODNESS takes the second fall. I assume Espiritu Maligna will saw his own head off for the third fall. Toro Bill does the AWWWESOME Fat Boy Splash off the top to BLOOOO CENTER~! and I want a Toro Bill versus Yoshie Fat Boy Finale RIGHT NOW. Tigre Rojo and BLOOOOOOO CENTER trade topes with Rojo winning with the Over the toprope Tope Con Hilo (actually, BLOO hits the Asai Moonsault- which was actually pretty nice, but the least crazy thing in the match). GOODNESS prevails as Espiritu Maligna forgets to rip his own arm off and beat the technicos to death with it. I’m looking forward to the rematch though. JILLION STARS.

Maximo/ Metro/ Mascara Dorada vs Misterioso/ Okumura/ Virus:
Virus has very elaborate make up and has regained the Greatest Mullet in Allllll MEXICO!! Yesssss. I’ll see if I can put up with the rest of these guys. Oi, Okamura…yeesh. Metro is the lost Power Raider! Virus takes him to the mat and you are viewing actual Lucha Libre. Maximo threatens to mount the buttocks of Misterioso and they do some crappy 1/2 speed matwork and it goes on forever. Sometimes Actual Lucha Libre sucks ass as much as AAA Lucha Libre sucks ass. The Okamura vs Mascara Dorada section was better, as they actually did the armdrags at full speed. Metro sets up the Dorada plancha with the multi-rotation rana, Maximo crushes Virus’s face with his testicles and the first caida is over. The density of Maximo’s testes must be quasar-esque. I’m assuming here. The second caida is about Virus trying to get the best of Maximo and losing miserably- and it’s full speed up to the tender kiss of Maximo. Misterioso is looking for a kiss and Maximo is suddenly coy. He does not just give his love away. You gotta earn it. Virus steps on Maximo’s head to return his love. Okamura pops up for a second and disappears again to make this the best Okamura match I’ve seen. Metro takes the hit as the rudos win a fall. The third caida starts with Virus and Misterioso trying the shove the ringpost up Maximo’s ass longways- so yeah, this match has a certain feel to it. They triple team Metro and Okamura FINALLY finds his calling as Knee For Other Guys To Be Thrown On. Metro hits the tope and Maximo runs the length of the apron to crush Virus with his jolly girth. Dorado hits a especially nasty looking German with a bridge to pin Misterioso and there you have it! Slightly above the middle of all pro wrestling!

Pegasso/ Rey Cometa/ Astroboy vs Vangelis/ Euforia/ Nosferatu:
It’s my boy Astroboy! Shouldn’t Vangelis come out to the love theme from Blade Runner? He could drink some tequila from a square glass and blood can come out of his mouth as the Tequila goes into his mouth. That would rule. Euphoria has great paunts- what with the fire and the skulls- and he and Rey Cometa feel each other out. Pegasso comes in armdrags a-blazin! Nosferatu grounds him with assorted leg locks and they stalemate and tag out. Puebla is old school. Vangelis and AstroBoy is the best of the three sections because Astro Boy has lots of neato in-ring highflying spots to counter lumbering matwork of Vangelis that all works to set up the FUCKING MANLY Vangelis “I’m Old Enough To Remember Dancing To ‘Electric Kingdom'” fat ass old man speeding tope of total skull crushing greatness. They pin the other victims and these are the rudos you read about. The replay of the tope is even better. FUCKING BOSS. Second caida, they triple team Astro Boy and the match kinda wanders off the reservation to the land of meandering half-assed triple teams. Astro Boy hits a tope to turn the tide and Pegasso and cometa hit duelling tope Con hilos to allow Astro Boy hit a lung blower (or as the annoucer says, “THE BACKCRACKRRRRRRR!”) for the second fall. Pegasso and Cometa could hit a fucking Double Lindey in their tope Con Hilo and it will pale in comparison to the Vangelis tope. You gotta put some ass behind it for it to impress me. Pegasso and Nosferatu have a quick exchange to start the third caida. Vangelis fucking rocks with the graceful rolling out of armdrags. Astro Boy does flippy circling ranas on Euphoria and we are ready to see the Tope when rudos- being rudos- CHEAT to stop him from reaching the ropes. Vangelis hits a splash off the top and everybody dogpiles on Pegasso and the rudos win the day. This is the kind of Lucha I could watch all day. Not earthshaking but rock solid and executed with heart and effort. It’s all I ask of my Lucha Libre. The basic form of a traditional match makes it work 9 out of 10 times. And Vangelis I want to see more of.

Blue Panther/ Ultimo Guerrero/ Atlantis vs Villano 5/ Averno/ Mephisto:
Awesome! Villano 5. 32 years in the biz. He punches UG in the face while Averno and Mephisto hold him. They succumb to annoying Lucha half-assed rambling brawling triple teaming. It continues until the end of the first caida with the rudos winning eventually. Well, the first caida sucked ass, let’s continue. Segunda caida begins like the primera caida ended- with no real form and shitty brawling. It switches over to all three technicos beating on V5 and then they congregate to form a star until V5 pulls off UG’s mask. And this is really sucking ass. Third fall is more of the same. UG comes back and he and V5 do a little wrestling until V5 foules him, pins him and there you go. Boy, that really sucked ass. This is why a lot of Lucha is unwatchable these days

Marcela vs. Princesa Blanca:
Awesome! When did they put the belt on Princesa Blanca? Blanca always reminded me of those redneck chicks you know growing up who would chug a fifth of Canadian Mist next to a dumpster while Journey was blaring out of the Duster. But grown up now. Like she had a couple of kids and got a little burley and more womanly. This is straight up title match lucha so it is all about matwork and chain wrestling- and these two make a good showing. Marcela controls the first five minutes and hits the suitably nasty top rope double stomp for the first fall. Blanca sells the damage until the call for the second fall. She dodges Marcella’s charge and stomps her after a dropkick and this is all about the dropkicks as they trade about five in 30 seconds. Marcella hits the Hotshot-style rana and gets a 2 count and they have a fast roll-up sequence where Blanca gets the flashpin to take the second fall. I’m not saying it’s formulaic, but the way that Luchadores traditionally wrestle a title match is a good guide to having a good match. Just plug in competent workers and these two are pretty good, so this is pretty good. Marcella has Blanco on the run the first fall and most of the second but Blanca gets the flashpin and they are even. The third starts with chops by Blanca and then a nice lariat by Marcella to start a very nice highspot section by Marcella- jumping off the toprope to hit a beautiful headscissors to throw Blanca to the floor to set-up a fucking MAGNIFICENT plancha off the top turnbuckle to the floor. They lay splattered across the floor for a while, but Blanco battles into the ring and hits a toprope cross body block that Marcella rolls through for 2 and 3/4s. Two hair-powered helicoptering throws by Blanco leads to a two count. Marcella with a backbreaker and Blanco is Misawa-esque in doing the 2 and 8/9ths shoulder shrug. Marcella with a face-buster but Blanco is too close to the ropes. This is pretty good. Far better than I was expecting. Marcella with NICE almost Everest-style deadlift German Suplex but Blanca grabs the ropes at two. Marcella goes up top but Blanca catches her in the stomach with both feet and gets the pin with a la Majistral. that was a good little match. It was a whole lot of Marcella’s highflying, but you bought Blanca fighting out of the nearfalls so it was a lot of Marcella but I dug Princesa Blanco as a game worker who was up for the task. So yeah, Marcela RULES, but Blanca I dig more now than before the match. Ah lucha….

~!~

There’s no turning back now- I’m under attack now- I see the skies are open
And I hear the word spoken- SINGLES GOING STEADY You only perceive
what you believe- You need only believe to believe- What do you know?- What do you know?

~!~

Abdullah the Butcher vs. Zeus – WWC 7/7/90 [by RIPPA]
Rummaging through my old unlabelled CDs, I found three discs of wrestling downloads from when the Matches folder first went up, which was like four or five years ago. One of the matches was labeled “Abdullah the Butcher vs. Zeus”. Like any sane human I thought “well that clearly isn’t right”. Of course, who ever uploaded this match hates me and the Baby Jesus because they made it a .rm file. (Just for the record – I am blaming Doug Corti until otherwise notified.) After cursing YouTube for not having it (I mean, fuck, you recommend me 424 different Test matches just because the guy died but not one fucking person would be like “If I put Abdullah the Butcher vs. Zeus up, I so can get more hits that the Don’t Tase Me Guy or the new Simpsons opening or whatever the fuck the kids watch these days”. I bite the bullet and download Real Alternative… again, which I am sure will crash my ITunes… again. Unlike when Meltzer says now in the Observer “No, not THAT Zeus” when referring to the Zeus who shows up in Hustle, I totally mean THAT Zeus. As in Tiny Lister, President of the Universe, Zeus. The interwebs tell me that it is from the 1990 WWC Anniversary show so we will go with that. Sometimes bad wrestling makes you feel oh so good. This is one of those times. Zeus does three things in this match – a bear hug, unintentional shoot headbutts and the worst punch/overhead smash strike you will ever see. The best way I could describe them is a guy in need of bifocals on a bad acid trip trying to fend off the wolf spiders. There is also Abby choking himself which is all sorts of great because Zeus isn’t capable of figuring out how to apply a choke. Man, Abdullah must have felt all sorts of bad for Zeus since he does his darndest to make him look good. And of course since this is Puerto Rico and Abby there is blood. Mind you – it would be hard for him not too between the aforementioned shoot headbutts and the fact that Abby thought “I have a good idea. I will let Tiny stab me with my own pencil!” Zeus is gassed two minutes which makes me feel better about myself since I know that back in 1990 I had better cardio that Lister. For all intents and purposes this is an enjoyable, amazingly sloppy 10 minute brawl which is totally made by Abby going “Okay, Fuck It. Let’s see where this goes.” Of course, it ends in a no contest/double countout as Zeus had to be protected and… well… it is an Abdullah the Butcher match.

Tiger Mask/ Tatsumi Fujinami/ Kengo Kimura vs. Dynamite Kid/ Bret Hart/ Greg Valentine – 7/31/82 [by DEAN]
Awesome! Greg Valentine and five overrated chumps! Let’s do it! Okay, Bret Hart is underrated. The Hart Foundation was overrated. Hey! The fourth best Tiger Mask! Valentine and Fujinami lock up first and Valentine gets in the Johnny Valentine shot across the nape of the neck after selling a dropkick and bodyslam and you want him to stay in the ring the whole time. Bret Hart and DK lay into Kimura and this is pretty fun. Valentine CRUSHES Kimura’s skull with elbows and this starts to fucking ROCK. Kimura fights back but is mauled by Valentine who then hits a 1975 Vertical Suplex that makes me cry from the memories… Norfolk Scope… Ricky Steamboat… Wahoo…. BlackJack…. TigerMask and Bret Hart start tanglin’ and TM is all spinny. He’s no Ken Wayne but he is perfectly fine in this role. Fujinami works Hart’s leg. TM gets all spinny with the leg. Kimura gets all stretchy with the leg. So yeah, your pretty waiting until the tag Greg Valentine back in. Waiting….waiting…okay there’s DK…waiting….waiting… waiting… DK and Fujinami do lots of Proto-Dragon Gate Social Dance wrestling…waiting…FINALLY. Fuj tags in Kimura cuz he don’t no part of any Valentine. Valentine across the nape of the neck into a Butterfly suplex. TM the Least makes the save and SPRINTS out of the ring in fear. Valentine with an inverted Atomic Drop and he tags out. We begin waiting again….OH COOL! Valentine CRUSHES the shin of Kimura. Valentine CRUSHES the knee of Kimura! And tags out. Waiting… waiting…waiting… TM is all highflying… HEY! Bret has a really nice elbow drop and kills TM with it. Valentine tags in and DOESN’T show the world how an elbow drop is done (to my chagrin) and he tags out after a leg drop. DK and TM yadda yadda yadda. Fuj and DK yadda yadda yadda. Kimura and DK yadda yadda yadda. Bret Hart makes the save and I forgot how much I like Bret Hart. Kimura flies into the third row after being thrown over them by Hart and DK and it rules. Ooo! 2 out of 3 falls! Valentine CRUSHES Kimura with an Elbow Drop and we weep love’s easy tears. Bret Hart punches Kimura in the knee and I’m thinking Valentine and Hart would have been a better tag team than Valentine and Flair if Valentine could get him consistently work this stiff. Valentine gets the second fall with a Figure four. Valentine calls Fujinami names as the bell rings and starts just MAULING Kimura’s leg. Yeah, the Valentine/Hart tag team would have been SWEET. Fujinami with the hot tag and they win and that’s all the Valentine. Greg Valentine is fucking awesome. Bret Hart was also awesome.

LOS VILLANOS (III, IV & V) vs. LOS PAYASOS – AAA – Taped 6/10/95, Aired 7/1/95 [by RIPPA]
It’s the fucking Villanos vs. the fucking Payasos. It’s well documented that I fucking love the Villanos. I fucking hate clowns though. I can tolerate the original Payasos because it is wrestling. And ever since Dean told me an endearing story about his kids and Psycho Circus, they are too weirdly cuddly for me to hate. All the bizarro new school Payasos? Fuck them. I am not sure who uploaded this many moons ago but it brings back the memories, complete with horrific video quality. God, 14 years ago. Has it really been that long? Misty Water Colored Memories. Yeeesh. I enjoyed this match but it is really really flawed – the biggest being that it is a nine minute one fall match. Oh, the other flaw is that the Payasos were seconded by… well it might as well been Bozo the Clown. And he has a whistle. Clowns with whistles is probably the worst combination I could think of, unless, as Ed pointed out to me, it was a clown with a ventriloquist dummy. The Villanos are seconded by Fuerza Guerrera. OH! And the ladies that came out with the Villanos were amazingly easy on the eyes, but that can often be said about the ladies of lucha but now we are getting into the creepiness that is Rippa and away from the creepiness that is Los Payasos. Outside the opening minutes, which featured some nifty IV/Payaso Red… okay… okay Coco Rojo matwork, the rest of the match is a mad sprint of… well not much of anything. Coco Azul comes off as the bumper of the clowns as he does a totally unnecessary shoulder separating charge into the ring post in addition to overselling the Villano sit-out powerbomb. Coco Amarillo – hoo boy – threw some RVD in the Royal Rumble level clotheslines and general kinda dragged things down but then he took not one but two Jerry bumps and I was like “Well I can’t hate THAT”. He also does a respectable job catching IIIs top rope plancha to the outside. Other than the early stuff, Rojo seemed to be there just to be the victim of V’s fake unmasking shenanigans that gave the Villanos the win. I will admit that Rojo ending the match and participating in the post match brawl while wearing a Villano hood is giggle inducing. This was a nice as a 10 minute diversion even though the typical AAA camerawork drove me batty as per usual – I mean, three cutaways to the whistle clown during the highspot train is not appreciated.

Shinsuke Nakamura/ Hirooki Goto vs Giant Bernard/ Karl Anderson – 3/6/2009 [by RASMUSSEN]
Can Goto go two in a row on his hot streak? Can there be two watchable Karl Anderson matches? Add in Giant Bernard and I would ASSUME anything is possible. But YOU know what happens when we assume. Bernard is rocking the far less sexy singlet.He and anderson’s theme music has lots of electric drums so it is truly NUMBER #1 and THE BEST. Goto and Nakamura’s theme is more quasi-Brian Mayisms that constitute the majority of Puroresu wrestling themes. Japan loves a technician. Anderson wants a piece of Goto’s fat ass as the bell rings. Anderson beats the crap out of Hirooki early and we rejoice at the promise of another Anderson match that doesn’t put us to sleep. Goto gets into the act and they start elbowing each other to the face and it’s fun! Bernard and Nakamura do a wad of wrestling and it is perfectly fine. Anderson comes in and you just cain’t get past the Horace boulder effect when you look at him. But Horace Boulder was in a thousand fun matches so it shouldn’t be a problem really. Anderson and Bernard double bank Goto and Bernard crushes Goto with his fat. Goto fights back but Bernard crushes Goto with his fat. Anderson tag in a-chokin! The Gaijin do shenanigans behind the ref’s back and it kills some time. Bernard is stompy and taggy and this isn’t really going anywhere. Goto fights out of Superplex and hits a less spectacular version of his toprope elbow. They do stuff and Anderson hits a Crappy Compared To Yoshie Spinebuster and gets all tangled up in Nakamura’s finisher and there you have it. All streaks end at too. Yoi.

AJA KONG vs. AMAZING KONG – GAEA, April 30, 2004 [by RIPPA]
It’s ON LIKE DONKEY KONG!!!! Yup, I am just as ashamed as you are now. Finding Kong v. Kong brightened my Saturday considerably. Thank you YouTube and your horrible horrible comments section. If I were to do a list of my all-time Top 10 favorite wrestlers, Aja Kong would be in my Top 5 (by the way – Aja has a myspace page. God bless her heart.). TNA is amazingly shitty and the one thing I probably enjoyed in the last two years was the feud between Gail Kim/Awesome Kong (yeah… I am probably going to end up flipping back and forth a half of dozen times with that. Stupid trademarks.) God this is fucking great. Amazing jumps Aja as she is coming to the ring and posts her so Aja wrestles the entire match with a river of blood in the center of her face. Then Amazing gets on THE STICK~! and starts calling Aja a “fat fuck” and that she has been waiting for this match her whole wrestling career. Oh yeah – make me love wrestling again. The two Kongs beat the hell out of each other – not like they really would have done anything different. The brawl goes all over the place. Amazing is yelling “I AM THE NUMBER ONE KONG!” They shoot headbutt each other a lot. And Aja does the crazy Aja tope which I would never want to have to be the one responsible for catching. Aja is still bleeding all over the place. But don’t you worry, she makes up for it by crushing Amazing’s nose near the end of the match. Aja gets the victory with a barehanded uraken and then declares “I AM THE ONLY KONG!” This really is an outstanding Abdullah the Butcher/Bruiser Brody brawl. The only difference would be that Abby would have to leave his feet and Brody would have breasts. Oh and neither participant got stabbed in the shower by Invader #1.

Jay & Mark Briscoe vs. Kensuke Sasaki/ Katsuhiko Nakajima – 12/27/2008 [by DEAN]
I’m on a Kensuke Office roll so I thought I would review any all ephemera I could get my hands on. I guess this was around the time we went to Phillie and saw them live. No, we saw them in FREEZING COLD ECW Arena in July so I guess that this was something else. You and I no longer care so roll the tape. Office Boys come out to that generic metal I can’t place anymore. Briscoes comes out to “Gimme Back My Bullets”- which wins every time ever. Nakajima doesn’t break clean and he and Mark take it to the mat until Mark wants to trade kicks and elbows- so Mark knows how to play to Nakajima’s strengths. Nakajima kicks Mark through the ropes and hits the rolling senton off the apron and kicks him all through the ring until Mark drops him Samoanly to let everybody tag out. Jay and kensuke Sasaki trade chops and hits a nice lariat and hits a really nice brainbuster early. the Briscoes beat on Nakajima in the corner and its pretty manly as the Briscoes do a wad of double teams. Nakajima is out elbowed and brainbusted and this is fun tag team wrestling. Sasaki tags in and beats the crap out of Mark with lariats and then goes for the trick knee of Briscoe. God, the commentary is really good getting over all of this. Who are these guys and why are they not doing the HDNet show? Nakajima comes in and spindles the leg some more. Sasaki hits real live power offense and you remember why Sasaki is a good guy to have around. HE IS POWER WARRIOR! Mark Briscoe counters with the CAPCHA suplex and Jay is the house a-fire, kicking Nakajima in the face. They trade kicks and Nakajima wins until the Jay cuts him off. Nakajima does that annoying Mochizuki running up the ropes kick to the back of the head. NICE BULLDOG by Sasaki and nice power slam on Jay. God, these guys call every move so I feel like I’m cheating. What a weird feeling. I love the Office Boys goofball Sasaki Throws Nakajima At Opponent offense. Nakajima kicks Jay a lot and crushes him with a knee in the corner. nice Superkick by nakajima and this is a fun tag match. Mark sells the knee to not hit the Spring board Doomsday Device. HA! The announcer boys miss the opportunity to mention that Sasaki was a Road Warrior and that they were swiping his old finisher! Yeah, I got nothin’…. HEY WAIT! They hit an actual Doomsday Device and they still refuse to mention the Road Warriors connection! I wonder if the Briscoes get the connection. J-Driller and it’s over. Kensuke Office = Wrestling I enjoy watching.

CHAD COLLYER/KANYON vs. SPANKY/PAUL LONDON – WWE VELOCITY (Aired 12/6/03) [RIPPA]
I so miss the randomness of Velocity and Heat. One could only hope that Superstars will be this way. It won’t be but maybe Vince is so enraged over something this week that he won’t pay attention to his own programming. Anyway – I have no idea who uploaded this and when I downloaded this (I am thinking, oh at least four years. Stupid marching time.) Of course – if the WWE is clearly bored and reading Death Valley Drivers, then I watched this live and remember it 6 years later. This was right after the WWE decided to put London and Kendrick together as a team the first time. They, of course, had no clue what to do with Nise Dean Malenko so Collyer was just kinda there. Granted I watched all the Heartland during this time so I was happy that is where he was playing out his development deal. I have no idea why Kanyon is in this match. I mean I know they hated him and he was all over Velocity but why they put him in here instead of a random other development guy is a mystery to me. There had to be another random Michaels’ trainee they didn’t have to pay who could have used the exposure. Though looking at the results of the course of that year, maybe it was an elaborate piece of booking as Kanyon apparently kept going through different partners trying to defeat London & Kendrick. I mean I have no problems with Kanyon but he sure is around to make everyone look tiny. He at least can sell credibly for the faces so it doesn’t hurt the match. Collyer is around to take all the big moves. Spanky is around to bump big and to be the skinniest Ricky Morton around. London is around to do all the moves that actually get the crowd to care. The best is the dropsault into a moonsault onto Collyer followed by the weird reverse Russian Leg Sweep/Enziguri finisher that they rolled out. Of course, it exploded Collyer’s nose but I can’t tell if I should be blaming that on Kendrick for not protecting him or Collyer over-rotating on the move. Oh wait – nevermind. On rewatching it, London crushed Collyer’s nose with a forearm right before the finish. That had to suck. Anyhoo – full Worldwide point here. Oh and if someone has the Spanky/London vs. Bryan Danielson/John Walters match from Velocity, you can gladly take the break from your porn and upload it somewhere so we can all distract ourselves for three minutes.

JOHN CENA vs. BRYAN DANIELSON – WWE VELOCITY (Aired 2/8/03) [by RIPPA]
Well since I am talking about random Danielson on Velocity appearances, I stumbled across this while trying to find the date of the other match. Yeah – people so don’t care about copyright on the series of tubes. I think I prefer this announce team of Josh Matthews and Ernest Miller much better than Matthews and Bill DeMott (who was doing the announcing on the December match. Man, the WWE sure wasn’t afraid to keep going through different color guys in less than a year. Yet, Don West will never leave TNA). Thank God Cena dumped the full length pants from his wardrobe… especially when they were canary yellow. And Ryan used to bitch about the colors I chose for the DVDVRs. Anyway – this is really fucking great for the three minutes it lasts. I mean its Danielson rocking the arm for two minutes and getting to do the knuckle lock bridge. Cena doesn’t look like a fool hanging with him. The remaining minute is a brief Cena flurry followed by Danielson getting even more offense with the insane European uppercuts that no one not named William Regal was doing back then. Cena wins with that spinning powerbomb he was using at the time. If this was truly Danielson’s tryout match, I am glad he did something subtly wrong to screw it up or wisely turned them down.

Tiger Mask/ Kantaro Hoshino vs Black Tiger/ Villano III – NEW JAPAN PRO WRESTLING (9/17/82) [by DEAN]
God bless American Dragon 1979. I’m trying to recall Hoshino. Let me quickly hit the Wiki. Ooo, he had a stroke in 2004. Black Tiger is Marc Rocco, I’m assuming. He’s got the awwwwwesome beard mask and you and I both rejoice. Rocco’s offense is awesome- quick elbows and punches to the base of the throat all leading up to the beautiful Vertical Suplex. Fifth best Tiger Mask tags in and V3 is your magnificent rudo as TM1 flies all over the place. Hoshino hits a Cowboy Frankie Layne running lariat and I remember the 70s. Rocco crushes Hoshino’s head with a double axehandle and a fucking NASTY running elbow to the face. Rocco was soooooooo the best thing ever. Rocco bumps all Ray Stevens to the floor and I remember the 70s. Tm1 tries all his jumping spinny crap and BT punches him in the face because HE KNEW IN 1982 THAT DEAN WOULD WATCH 27 YEARS LATER AND LAFF AND LAFF AND LAFF. Punch him again! TM and BT go all Euro with the matwork and its scientific until BT drapes him stomch-first across the toprope and I remember Chris Benoit before he killed everybody in his family and ruined that move fo everyone. Hoshino does that shin across the stomach from the toprope that is to anachronistic Japanese wrestling what an airplane spin is to anachronistic US wrestling. Hoshino is tied up in the ropes but maves to allow BT to crush his testicles on the toprope and then take an Atomic Drop so that BT’s nether regions don’t know if they are coming or going! BT and Hosh take it to the street and BT mauls him against the rail and then hits a double axe-handle off the top to the floor. V3 gets in a headscissors but he is there mostly to make TMs technico stylings look good. And he’s about the best there is at that. BT brings the assbeat so he is the more fun rudo in the match. God, his brainbuster is fucking MAGNIFICENT. BT with the low blow! EEEEVIL! V3 hits a very slow backslide while TM nurses his crushed junk. BT wants to do more evil things to TM so he ties him up in the ropes and they whup up on him for a while. TM ties up BT and Hoshino decides to make an appearance. BT escapes before the second running body press can land for Hoshino so BT kicks him in the face and hits a FUCKING AWEEESOME Tombstone- a tombstone better than the one’s Fit Finlay would fucking kill people with back when he had the mullet and was streaming for Regal on WCW Saturday night. Go download this and see it. It is fucking BURLEY. V3 tags in and Boston Crabs the earthly remains of Hoshino’s skull. Hosh escapes and FIRES BACK with his own piledriver on V3. TM does the far far far far far lesser Tombstone and BT makes the save. Hoshino backbreaks V3 and Rocco makes the save diving off the toprope and killing him. Hoshino and misses a plancha to the floor and BT is beating the hell out of him as TM casually pins V3 with a Quebradora. Black Tiger is fucking ELECTRIC. You can’t really get much better than Mark Rocco in his prime.

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NEXT TIME: Another issue before the World Cup. Maybe even before the Winter Olympics. We can dream.